Famous Ulster comedian James Young's Year 2001. A funny monologue about a Loyalist dying and going to hell, hell being a United Ireland. Funny for all sides! Enjoy!
The monologue:
It was Sammy McNally that done it,
He was never done swinging the lead.
And one bloody day as he swung it,
He hit me a blow on the head.
"Get up!" sez he, trying to lift me.
I never heard one word he said.
"Are y' deaf?" sez he, trying to shift me.
But I wasn't deaf... I was dead!
Of course, I went straight up to heaven,
It's three million miles past the sun.
I arrived at a quarter past seven,
In the year of 2001.
I seen a big lad in the hallway,
Sez I, "I'm just in from Belfast."
"Is that so?" sez he, "I am from Galway.
Sure, we've let an old Prod. in at last!"
I said I was happy to meet him,
And asked him what I should do.
"Come with me," sez he, "and I'll show you
We have a special department for you."
I followed him down a long passage
Where it led to, your man wouldn't tell,
But my God, I soon got the message
When I saw a sign pointing to Hell!
"Aah" sez I, "for God's sake have pity!"
"It's all for your sins in the past.
And he led me right into the city...
A place, the dead spit of Belfast.
"Is thon Hell?" sez I quite astounded:
"It is so, indeed." sez your lad.
"If that's Hell," sez I, looking round now,
If that's Hell, it can't be too bad!"
But the whole thing was very provoking,
Here was a place I knew well.
Surely to God, they were joking,
Surely Belfast... wasn't Hell!
But there, God love it, before me
The big City Hall stood in state.
With a tri-colour flying above it
And two Civic Guards at the gate.
That was only the start of the torment
I soon was to learn all the facts.
The Pope was living in Stormont
And Paisley was cleaning the jacks.
The head of the great Orange Order
Had long ago given himself up
Lemass had abolished the border
And Linfield was out of the cup!
All the Micks had lovely fat faces
And the Prods. were all queueing for soup.
There was Fenians in all the high places
And MacLiamoor was playing The Group.
The shipyard arrived like lightening,
I knew I'd find Orangeman there
But, what I did find was frightening
Speaking in Gaelic, they were.
The whole bloody city was stinking
There was nowhere a Proddy could go.
It was desperate thoughts I was thinking
Then it come in a flash, Sandy Row "
I knew they'd be loyal to Lizzie
And I wouldn't be left in the lurch
But when I got there, they were busy,
Building a Catholic church!
I went back to the fella that brought me,
He was having a snooze at the gate.
I tried to get by but he caught me.
"You can't get away from your fate!"
Sez I, "I don't like what you've brought me
If I'd known, I'd never have came."
Sez he and him standing fornenst * me
"Sure in here we all are the same.
In here perfect freedom is given,
To wander about, it's as well.
It's just that some think it's Heaven
And then, again, some think it's Hell!"
I'm a ghost now, but I'm just a beginner,
But if I was a mortal again,
I'd be nice to the Micks and the Shimmers
And I'd write to the Pope now and then.
Every man on this Earth is your brother
So don't write those things on the wall,
For, if we love one another...
We'll find out there's no Hell, at all.
20 окт 2024
