I like how he discusses it in a formulaic way. I’ve sabotaged every good relationship I’ve been in and then I chase women that either don’t want me or are dysfunctional themselves. It’s like I’ve been outsmarted by my unconscious for decades in order to avoid my fear of commitment and settling down. I never realized how growing up watching one parent neglect and abuse the other for 12 years shaped me. I used to think marriage was a nightmare people get stuck in. Now I realize how healthy it really is when people experience it in a healthy way growing up.
"The other thing you can do is decide I'm going to manage on my own. If I'm hurting I'm not going to seek out comfort when I'm feeling threatened. That's called avoidant attachment." This one perfectly explains me. I grew up very avoidant of other people due to just too many negative interactions between relatives at home and peers at school. I felt rejected and like what I had to say didn't matter. My value was in what I could do for others rather than for understanding and appreciating who I was mentally as a person (in other words my individuality didn't matter).
Jonathan - first let me say you didn’t deserve to be treated in that way; I grew up in a similar environment as you. There is a book that may help make sense of what seems so utterly senseless: it’s called “The Betrayal of Self” by Arno Gruen.
@@crazycool7309 Thanks! I've never heard of that book before. Might have to check it out sometime or find a digital copy of it online. Might give me some insight into emotional betrayal and how common yet undisclosed it can be in public conversation since stuff like mental health and familial emotional and physical abuse are only dealt with in a criminal justice or mental health format (both of which are full of hostile social public stigma) which is uncalled for and unhelpful yet so many businesses and services that supply the necessities of life (banks, hospitals, grocery stores, department stores) have the unofficial "mask" you must wear to stay productive and remain competent enough to prove you deserve your paychecks. It's a really sad cultural norm and business practice that treats employees as disposable and expendable and needs to change.
I've just discovered this Menninger series with Dr. Allen and they're wonderful. However, towards the end of this interview, when Dr. Allen says that essentially the goal is an attachment within a couple or romantic partnership, I found that very disheartening. For so many of us that has not been possible and is the source of so much distress. Where does that leave us?
Thanks for this great material, but some explanations veer off a bit into the "relationship"/ "relational" sphere, which is very important, but not what "attachment" is. Attachment is not a bond itself, but it is a "function" of the attachment figure (mostly parents/ first caregivers) - in case of the child (person) feeling unsafe/ threatened... This is why attachment with one person is different than with another person (how many times we hear, My child is a piece of gold, when with X, but a terror when ...?) Also, this concept is intertwined with Mahler's separation-individuation process, and the development of personality disorders, when attachment style gets "frozen" in time (and in psychoanalytic terms, this person would be called the a-historical subject [Ogden]) And, yes, during therapy, we hope to become the new and "secure" attachment figures (without colluding with the patient by supporting their "frozen" ways of being), to become the "secure base" for this person (and hopefully he/she can foster the same with others)... It is not just the hand holding...
Some elemental points here. I am an adult, attachment-lacking adult, seeking to begin meeting needs and seeking to understand how about doing so. When I listen to more detailed explanations about early attachment - bonding, having needs met, social learning and more - I am shocked to have made it this far. In some early attachment environments, children are left alone, unattended, no caregiver responding to our signals, nothing. For an infant or toddler, this is near desolation. Think of a plant, left in a room, unattended, unfed, dim light with no “caregiver”. This is the early environment from which some emerge: Few needs met, and so forth. Thank you.
As he said, "fundamentally we need that secure base"........ yep, and you can sure size up or sum up when people are not with" true", or "lacking "with that "true"concern = lacking respect and empathy to your pain!
This is very interesting. I work with children who can no longer see their parents and have to live at residential homes and foster carers so i am kind of searching for ways of reducing this stress in the short and long term. Not easy. great video
I have found this to be an absolutely brilliant video. I especially found the portion about how we still have little understanding of the implications associated with actions and response in our fragile social world. Cheers!
So true when I expressed my wish to have positive relationships after traumatic abusive ones my therapist told me that's your inner child in other words my adult self wouldn't care if I was without my needs being met or not which is completely not true
The tragedy is when our connections with parents are broken through their ignorance, and we learn this way when raising our own children. This is very sad, not ever knowing what a secure base feels like
I’m disfunctional in this area 😂codependent but then go it completely alone it works for me people cause such hurt 😞 Felt for most of my life no one actually cared that much about me. 🙄 Mother died when I was a baby, I went from person to person. Then fostered wonderful lady but something was lacking there for me. She died when I was 18 I was completely on my own. Interesting information complex is right… I tend to give unconditionally it doesn’t go well for me unfortunately. Narcissists there are a few close family around me too, they annoy me no end 🤨 It seems to me non what to actually get to know me 🥹 I deal with everything alone because no one I know cares it’s all about them constantly. I don’t hurt much any more.😊
There can be where a secure bond attachment can manifest as being a mixed message especially in teaching a 2 yr old about independence.....that is when accidents happen and truma
