Just be a Traditional Woman - $h*t Therapists Say 

“Before I speak on this as a therapist, I wanna hear what you have to say as a woman” is just really thoughtful

I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, opinionated therapists are incredibly dangerous. I had one as a teenager. My relationship with my mother was very toxic at the time and she managed to manipulate my therapist into supporting her positions on every disagreement we had and would spend 40ins explaining why she was right, I was wrong and how I was bad for hurting my mother. I say 40 minutes because she spent the first and last 10 minutes of the session with my mother. The next therapist I saw 5 years later because the first one got pregnant so I had a chance to find someone new was confused by somethings I took responsibility for. He asked if he could have 1 joint session with us both to try to understand the dynamic. We had a 40 minute session, he asked her to step out, turned to me and said "holy crap, ok, I get it now. Boundaries for the next year we are focusing on Boundaries! You did not exaggerate, you are not crazy, it wasn't your fault but you wont see that until we learn to maintain some healthy Boundaries. So yeah, Boundaries" He was right and by god did he save my life, literally. He saved my life with boundaries. Incidently, my mother hated him for it.

The problem with "traditional marriage from 1950s" is that it is heavily glamorised by people who didn't live in those times.

Wow! I didn’t think I’d see my response on here ! (I’m the woman from the first example) This actually helped heal a bit of the damage I’m still dealing with from her. In defense of my husband he was horrified when he saw me tying myself in knots trying to follow her “advice”. He said he was a grown ass man with two working legs and he can get his own water if he was thirsty lol. Also, he wanted a partner not a slave and actually encouraged me to leave that therapist and find a new one. I’m really glad I did before we had our daughter because I shudder to think what other crazy things she would have said.

Listening to this, I had to think about my grandparents. It was the fifties and a busy household with 6 kids. My grandfather, a talented tailor but otherwise all thumbs, stood ironing the clothes while my grandmother was hammering in a nail to hang a picture. A visitor was shocked and asked my grandmother why and my ever pragmatic grandmother replied: he can do the ironing better than I can and I don't have the time to tend to him when he undoubtedly hits his fingers. They were fairly traditional but recognized their talents (or lack thereof) and worked as a team. It influenced my view on "genderroles".

I once had a therapist tell me, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight,” after telling her I was struggling with an ED relapse. And that was it. No follow-up. No, but. Just wanting to lose weight is fine. I was silent for what felt like a full minute, waiting for the wisdom. I finally responded, “Yeah, but standing over a toilet trying to talk myself out of purging is not that.” I stopped seeing her after that.

Alicia - I love seeing another woman who embraces the fact that she has a lot of “masculine” traits. I occasionally come in contact with people who want to shame me for being assertive and ambitious and having leadership qualities. I love these parts of me and I fully feel feminine and womanly. I love that you embrace this about yourself too.

I had a therapist tell me that I needed to "fake it till you make it" before even fully coming to understand me and my situation. Turns out a lot of my anxiety and depression was based on masking undiagnosed autism. I had been faking it, I had been faking it for so long that I did the opposite of making it, I burnt out and crashed. So when he told me that before either of us knew about the autism I thought, "sure, because that's been working out so well for me."

If I were the woman in the first example this would be my response; "I'm sorry, did you think I was a psychic when we got married? I'm not and I can prove it because if I had foreseen this conversation, we wouldn't be married. If you want something from me, you verbalize it with the word please. If you have a problem with that, we can't stay married."

I don’t have a problem with people choosing a traditional relationship…at long as both partner’s have equal rights and respect for one another. I do, however, have a problem with people saying, “I chose this role because my gender or my religion dictates it.” I’m all for religion until it’s used to oppress people.

Hubby and I organically ended up in a somewhat "traditional" marriage. After our daughter was born, it made more sense emotionally and financially for me to stay home (severe anxiety over the idea of anyone watching her aside from us). She's now 8, and we still have the same dynamic. I do all the domestic and financial chores, while he works his labour intensive job for 9 hours per day. When he gets home, he relaxes and spends time with kiddo until her bedtime. But after that, it's all about us. He's asking about my day, helping me emotionally even when he's stressed or exhausted. He's finding out what I need from him tomorrow to help me. And on the weekends, he asks me what cleaning or organizing thing I just can't deal with, and he does it. It can be as little as throwing a load of laundry on for me all the way to deep cleaning the bathroom/kitchen or doing the yard work. I take care of him when he's exhausted, and he returns that when he's able to. It's a "traditional" marriage at a glance, but there is mutual care and support in ways that fit with how we live.

"We often apply moral judgments to non-moral questions." This is an elegant way of saying what I say about purple vs. yellow. I love purple and I hate yellow. Is there anything morally wrong with yellow? Absolutely not! I have had many people in authority make a "purple vs. yellow" issue into a moral issue. In the circles I often frequent, my more assertive so-called "masculine" traits are looked negatively upon. I have been charged by people in moral authority to essentially change a fundamental part of myself. Someone who is a mentor to my husband has instructed me to be much more submissive and to quell my assertive tendencies in deference to my husband. To her, I should always submit to my husband's wishes, even if they're NOT moral issues but even "purple vs. yellow" issues e.g. what restaurant to eat at. My husband HAS NEVER been the type to push and demand I follow his lead. We haven't been married for even a decade yet, so we're still figuring things out but I thank God my husband does NOT demand submission from me. My husband calls me his "strong right arm" and defers to me as his partner. There's certain things that he has vastly more wisdom and experience with so I defer to his expertise. There are other things that, like Alicia, I excel at. When our kitchen sink was clogged, it was me who did the research and figured out how to fix the issue. I was the one to put on gloves and unscrew the P-trap and pipe under the sink to unclog the sink. My husband has taught himself how to invest and handles all of our retirement saving/investments. I handle only our simple basic emergency fund savings account cause that's all I understand. Investments are completely over my head! My husband handles washing most of the dishes because I hate it even more than he does. In exchange, I handle most of the gross jobs like the cat litter box and taking out the trash and recycling. I can handle gross things much better than he can since I'm a farm kid and a healthcare worker and I can use gloves. (I always say that I can handle a lot of gross things if I can wear gloves!)

No prudent therapist will say "you should have" in a lecture-ous manner. The therapist is not living in the shoes of the client/patient.

I'm a woman and I once had a therapist say no boyfriend would be happy in a non monogamous relationship because 'men are just naturally possessive'. My response was 'ah yes, because we all know how much gay men love monogamy!' 🤣🤨☠ Yeah, that was my last session.

The main reason for why I don’t go to therapists anymore. Halfway through excepting our third child my husband realised he was in love with his childhood friend and asked for a divorce, our daughter was born with a syndrome, and I almost caught eclampsia. Safe to say, I was not in a good place. Went to see a therapist and he said “but you’re happy?! You’re smiling at your baby, and you’re not crying when you talk about this. I don’t believe you need to be here, I think you’re faking it!” I just looked at him for two seconds, put my baby in the pram and walked out.

I love the idea of partnerships finding their own balance. My husband and I have a semi-traditional balance: he does the fix things, I do the people stuff. However... he cooks and sews better than I do. Also, my "ew gross" threshold is waaaay higher than his.

Last time I saw a RU-vidr get divorced things got very ugly. I'm glad things are still good between the two

"if something needs to be fixed I fix it. If someone needs to be heard, you hear them." I really liked how you said this.

Alicia, your comment about people trying to make you less YOU really struck a chord with me!

I have been judged and criticized so many times because I grew up dreaming of being a somewhat traditional housewife. I changed the term to stay-at-home mother and people have started to shut up.

I went to a Christian therapist with my abusive husband some years back. He gave similar advice. All the focus was on me and how I was causing the problems by being hurt by his behavior. We went to 1 meeting with this man and it made everything exponentially worse. Even my husband admitted it just validated all his resentments and caused him to act worse. That was maybe 6 years ago and I finally put him out about 2 months ago. I wish I had done it sooner. It never improved.

Back in the days of MySpace, I once shared a thought on my profile that it was perfectly ok for a woman to be a "traditional" housewife if that was what she wanted and suited both partners. That caught the eye of a random guy and he messaged me and we discussed it further. We've just celebrated the 18th anniversary since that first message and us being friends. (Never met in person, unfortunately. He's a musician and graphic artist from the US, also a Muslim, I'm an atheist lawyer from Central Europe. But I still consider him one of my best friends, even though we haven't been in touch as much as I'd like in the past years.) I mean exactly, whatever works for you, as long as your partner and you respect each other for your contributions to the relationship. Regarding the worst thing a therapist said to me, and including one that said I was self-absorbed when I was 12, I had this episode when I didn't want to be alone on my birthday (turning 27), my parents were on holiday so I invited a friend over to my house. He got drunk one morning before I woke up and insisted the best way to show me how much he loved me and was the best for me was to make me sleep with him. He wouldn't stop even when I asked him to five times. Only stopped when he saw me crying. Thankfully, I was later able to get hold of my cousin and she and her boyfriend came to get me. Saw my therapist the next day, he told me I should not have invited the guy over. And I guess technically he was right, I hadn't been careful, but that shouldn't be an excuse for the guy to do what he did, right?

We have options now. We can be whoever we want to be. Some women want to be traditional stay home wives/moms and keep house. While some men do the traditional husband things. If that works for BOTH of you, SO BE IT. Do it then, if you don’t want to be that, then don’t! Men can be great nurturing dads and do whatever the traditional wives can do as well. Everyone is different and what works for some people might not work for others. You are never going to please everyone and that sounds so cliche but it’s true. You need to be who you are and only YOU can define yourself as a person and no one else. That’s just my cheap two cents worth. Have a wonderful day to anyone who reads the comments in this post.

Saffron in Firefly DEFINITELY has "some other things" going on.😂😂😂 Red flags red flags red flags!😂

The worst person who ever burned me was a licensed therapist/counselor. She gaslit me SO HARD and I spent YEARS unpacking all the sh*tty ways she treated me. And she had ALLL the gossip on other therapists in her field. Not all therapists are built the same.

I have been to many different therapists and institutions in my 20s and have been through many many disappointments... Therapists are human too. There are lots of shitty, nasty and plain evil among them. The sad thing is that society has capitalized simple compassionate human interaction. We can't speak about anything anymore, no one is listening. And if it is something "uncomfortable" their immediate response will be "Have you tried therapy? Go to therapy." It is fucked up on so many levels. And then they wonder why there is a loneliness epidemic.

I wish more people understood that the idea of what's "traditional" varies depending on culture and can sometimes be based on an upper class ideal that most people couldn't attain. Depending on the time and cultural context, women were doing jobs outside child rearing and keeping their own house (seamstress, milliner, maid, beer brewing, just to name some from Western pre-industrial history). Women deciding to be SAHMs and living their best life is great! But the rhetoric that women working "outside the house" is unnatural or goes against history upsets me. A huge amount of labor was required from everyone for us to make it this far, and it's wrong to discount the role women played in communities because we've somehow branded making textiles as less instrumental work than lumber and nails. (I honestly think there's a link here to being disconnected from our community and where our goods come from, but that's another story)

One of the things I love most about my husband is that he doesn’t need me. He is fully capable of doing whatever needs done from cooking to entertaining to scheduling to vehicle maintenance, as am I. It means that the to-do list is split around who has time and energy when things need done and not any preconceived ideas of who should do what. (With a couple exceptions of jobs that one of us despises.) As a bonus, it means we both recognize the effort that was put in to whatever task was done.

In 1986, after about 3 years of having issues, my mom took my dad to a marriage therapist she found in the phone book. The (male) therapist told her she was wrong, not trying hard enough as a wife (even though she was taking care of everything, aside from working), and she needed to stand by her man. She was so upset & stressed out, she broke out in hives and my father said "look at how crazy she is." They never went to another session again, and after my dad traded in her beloved truck that wasn't paid off to buy a new one, she gave him a month to get out. She found out later that the therapist they went to was a defrocked priest. Gotta love the phone book.

There are many situations when we should get up and walk out.

I had an abortion once. In between therapy sessions. When I came back to see the therapist I was seeing at the time, I told her about it and she couldn't fathom that it was the right option for me and that I didn't regret it. She tried to shame me and kept asking why I had done it and what my partner thought and why I seemed so calm about such a terrible thing. I didn't return.

20 years ago while I was engaged I had a breakdown and needed to see a psychiatrist. After listening to me speak about my childhood trauma he waved it away as nothing and said it was a good thing I was getting married because a husband wouldn’t stand for this nonsense and would occupy my time so I wouldn’t have time to be mentally unwell

Not super related, but one time, I went in to a therapist with my mom ( I wanted her there) and didn't feel comfortable opening up about some sexual trauma I experienced, so my mom kind of explained what happened to me in the most recent instance. My mom started crying; I wanted to cry and felt so uncomfortable and unsure of what I was supposed to act like or say. I'd never talked to a stranger about this, so I was happy my mom was there to help me and make me feel safe. He laughed and said I was "going to be fine". He ended our session about 15 minutes later. It took me years to realize that encounter with a therapist was absolutely awful and wrong. Kept me from reaching out for help and healing for 8 more years. Glad there are people like you guys because people deserve real empathy from professionals who can guide them in the right direction.

I have a disability that I inherited from my mother, who was diagnosed with cancer (she's currently in remission). Our disability is tremendously rare and while trying to deal with the idea of losing the one person guaranteed to understand me, I tried therapy. The therapist told me, "well, just find someone else who has this disability and make friends with them." If I ever found out someone became my friend solely because we shared a disability and they didn't want to feel alone, I'd feel so used. Not to mention, it completely disregarded the relationship my mom and I already had. I paid for the one appointment and never spoke to her again.

In college I told a therapist I thought I was trans, and he told me I needed to dress prettier. I'm not trans, but what? Worst advice ever. And I loved the way I dressed.

It's 2024 and sadly everyone in my family is very conservative and unhealthily "traditional". My mother is the typical people pleaser who does everything for my father. I can't stand what he expects from her - it's inhumane. But "that is just the way it is", as my mother would say.

I was a gifted child - like ridiculously so. Then in my late teens through early 20s, when it became obvious that I'd wasted those gifts, I went down a VERY dark path (opiate addiction, theft, extreme violence). I eventually got my life together, then later in my 30s, started struggling with emotional baggage around those dark years, so I went to see a therapist. After a bunch of sessions, she told me I was too hard on myself, and that I didn't need to feel bad about anything I did. "Your intellect is beyond exceptional and that makes you so special,. People who are that special shouldn't have to hold themselves to the same rules as the rest of us." Um... this is exactly the thinking I had back in those dark years, so to hear it from a therapist made it clear that... well... I needed a new therapist.

My therapist (that I don't go to anymore) told my mum that all my medical issues were in my head and told me to stop going to doctors because I'm just making it worse... I had a bacterial infection (among other, more permanent things).

The body language in which you responded to her parents "help" that stifled her was sooooo telling!!!

My parents (my father was a Baptist minister--but not THAT KIND) were totally equal partners, even when she stayed home while we kids were small. He actively encouraged her when she decided to get a job and was incredibly proud of how well she did. My mother-in-law used to tell the story that when she married my father-in-law (also a Baptist minister---and not THAT KIND either) she started out doing the whole traditional wife role and after a week or so he said, "What are you doing?!" And she said she was trying to be a good wife and he said, "Knock it off. I didn't marry you to serve me or echo my opinions!! I married you because you are strong and independent with your own opinions." (My paraphrase because I don't remember exactly what she said.) Needless to say, my husband and I were completely equal partners from day one--and blissfully happy.

As a bi/nb feminine looking person, "Why aren't you more traditional" is such a hurtful comment, especially from a therapist. Do they think we're choosing ? Did they chose to be the way they are ? How can they be therapists when they're so biased ?! If someone I put my trust on would unvalidate who I am because I'm not 'traditional', I swear I would break, I've never been ! I'm neurodivergent, and bipolar, and that's not traditional, I've always felt 'not quite a girl', I've always tried to be the 'traditional girl' my mother wanted, but I've never been, and I'll never be, I'm not broken, and people saying stuff like that need a slap hard enough they change career pathsq. Damn how many people have they hurt this way ? How many people will listen to them and hurt themselves and others because of that ?

My therapist suggested my chronic depression and suspected personality disorder would be cured by finding a boyfriend. Even after I said I wasn't interested in a relationship, he tried to set me up with another one of his patients!

In the military it is difficult to get an appointment with a therapist, but very easy to get an appointment with a chaplain. They are often very good sounding boards an usually respect the fact that the sailor before them may not share their religious beliefs, but still need human help. The one issue I had was when a particular chaiplain told me, a buddhist, that animals don't have souls.

As a therapist, I love to see this type of thing being discused. People needs to know more about therapy and good therapy to losed the fear that people have about it. You can say what kind of therapist you want, is your right and, in some ways, you can "enterview" the candidates to know if they are what your need. For that, I always talk about my kind of therapy, how I do and their rights and, if they let me, about the Enfoque ecológico (No pude traducirlo en mi cabeza al inglés, pero Jonno entiende, así que bien) that is the theory/practice i based it. Blessings!

2:15 I love you two as a team😭 you are amazing

The thumbnail is so amazing (Jonathan should wear more suits)

My parents were very mindful that they had what appeared like status quo traditional, but they'd explain why they divided it up like that to us (emphasis on pragmatic reasons) and it was evident that each could team up or step up as situations warranted.

As a young woman who enjoys more traditional gender roles in my marriage, I was totally shocked by 0:56 to 1:20, and that video from Jono's show. That is NOT healthy. "Traditional marriage roles" is NOT that. My goodness. Yes, I take care of most of the cooking and cleaning in our home, because I have an easy remote job at home, and he works 10 hours a day as an engineer. I'm more than happy to take care of laundry and dishes and general cleaning and cooking while I'm here anyway. But if he comes home and I am _tired_ for whatever reason, he is _always_ willing and happy to help me cook dinner, do the cleaning together, and we finish up the day's tasks together. Also, mind-reading your partner is an impossible standard. It will ONLY ever lead to sulking when your every desire is not implicitly understood without you having to communicate. All that to say... what you're responding to is NOT NOT NOT good traditional marriage roles. It's the opposite of them.

Holy crap! There is so much peace in this video for my relationship with my parents! My mom doesn't like that her daughter is a "subservient wife to her husband." I manage the people, like Jono. She doesn't see how we balance our home perfectly just the way we are.😊

I absolutely love how much fun you had creating that cover photo. The creativity suggests a relationship that is powerful and alive, even during challenging and complex times.

I had a therapist tell me that having a baby would give me purpose and I should knit something for my future baby to think about it. This was our first session and I was in my mid twenties at the time.

I bet none of the therapists giving this advice will tell you about all the "traditional house wives" in their office who are still miserable, or how many of them their husbands cheat on or divorce them and leave them penniless to chase a younger woman because he only ever saw her as a life accessory that existed for his happiness.

I wonder if these judgemental "therapists" are actually therapists. I wonder if they're lay people hired by a very conservative church. It seems more like preaching than therapy.

I was talking to a therapist about my troubles with dating men who were transphobic. I would go on dates with men and all of the sudden they would talk about how gross they thought trans women were. I wanted to find men who respected all women, including trans women. My therapist said "don't do that" and when I argued with her on why trans women are women she said "so you think I'm a bigot if I don't want to date a women?" And kept getting extremely defensive and making it a personal attack on her. She kept claiming I think she should date the gender she's not attracted to or shes a bigot. After almost 5 years of her being my therapist I fired her. It was super painful but I have a new therapist who is amazing.

I once saw a psychiatrist who prescribed meds for me that cost more per month than my rent. When I told him I could not afford that, instead of prescribing something else, he suggested I try getting married to somebody with more money. I am not kidding.

My bad therapist experience: (long story short) after researching neurodivergence, I told my therapist I thought I might be on the spectrum. My therapist said, "don't worry! You're not autistic!" Well, this threw me into freefall. Finally, I had an explanation for many things in my life that didn't make sense. I wrinkled my nose and said, "no, that's not your job to diagnose me. Your job us to ask, 'what parts of autism do you relate to?' or 'what tools that autistic folks use that seem to help you?'" That leaves everything wide open. And it doesn't matter if I'm on the spectrum or not. It would allow me to access tools without judgement. I asked them, "did you say I wasn't autistic because you thought I was _worried?_ Were you hoping to reassure me to ease my worry? Because that was not the emotion I was feeling. I was feeling _relief._ And by denying my self-diagnosis, that pulled that relief out from under me." The therapist took it well, and we both grew from that moment. (And I'm considering seeking diagnosis - at least if I feel it would be helpful to have that.)

I was explaining my family dynamic to my new therapist. I told her that my family doesn't feel the need to speak on the phone regularly or be in constant contact but we were always there for each other if needed. She told me "that's sick." I went away from the session disturbed and feeling angry. The next session (and my last with her) she apologized and I found out she talked with her father on the phone daily and could not conceive that anything could be healthy that did not involve that level of contact.

Wow as someone who loves being a homeschool mum who does a lot of traditional things, but I’m not really a traditional wife (not religious for one) I came in here expecting to be told I’m silly, but I was pleasantly surprised 😊

Great video! Thanks for sharing your light! Because we need you too! 😊

Alicia is an incredible woman

“So many people assign moral judgements to non-moral questions “ …. So true… I once had a therapist tell me she thinks I have a developmental disability- pretty much on the basis of our initial sessions bc I was a bit fidgety and indirect eye contact… which I am every time I’ve started with someone new… not-so-shockingly when I start to trust is when I relax

When I was in college I was in my first serious relationship. I had thought I was gay in high school because I had no interest in dating women. That serious relationship was with a woman. I was very confused and the therapist told me that I should break up with that person and go date men. Lots of things happened since then and I figured out a lot about my identity but that advice I thought was insane and crossed some serious boundaries

I just saw the title and thought this is gonna be awesome lol😂

I had a therapist I was forced to see when I was a kid who grew up in the IFB. Not honestly sure if they were a real therapist. They told that I was lying about being physically abused even though I had visible bruises and that emotional abuse wasn't a thing. They then went on to tell me to stop being so difficult and gave my parents tips on how to break my personality. So that happened.

Just found you all. Love geeking out about Firefly. Thanks!

I'm a member of the same church as Jonathan. I was a missionary for the church in Vegas. I had some horrible experiences with criminals while I was there, and now I have PTSD. I wanted to leave the church at one point because of the mental and emotional anguish from the PTSD, but I wanted to stay because of my beliefs and faith. A therapist who is also of my faith told me to "just pray, read your scriptures, and have faith." That didn't help. Luckily, I found another therapist. He was also of my faith but decided to work with me on my PTSD issues instead of my faith issues. He helped me realize that my paranoia was affecting my marriage. Working on me having peace of mind helped my marriage, my faith, and even my professional life.

My mother is a therapist and she says she struggles with patients that only want answers. I was also struggling with a friend and their boyfriend and she told me instead of telling someone what to do you have to plant the seed and see what they decide. I think that's really her therapy style.

Seeking help on establishing boundaries with my narcissistic father (only child) who is going through cancer: "You need to get more involved. Go to his doctor appointments with him. Take time off work. Be there for him." "But how do I protect myself?" "You don't." I immediately switched therapists.

My therapist once said: "It's better to be unhappy in a relationship than not be in a relationship at all." He said that not being in a relationship makes us lonely and i couldnt disagree more. Being in a relationship that didnt make me feel loved and valued, made me feel lonelier that i have ever been single.

Thanks, Mended Light! Also, thank you, Alicia, for not being shy about your more stereotypically masculine traits. You're a bit of a role model for me. (I'm also named Alicia!) I'm still working on learning on a deeper level that my personality type is okay for me to have as a woman.

I love you two. Every time I watch Wreck It Ralph, I have in my head Jonathan's warm affection and admiration of Alicia (via Sgt Calhoun). It makes my heart all warm and melty, that acceptance and self-acceptance, external gender roles be damned. Thanks for continuing the lovely videos, as your own relationship has shifted.

Nice to see you two working together today.

My mom is bipolar it was very hard to get a diagnosis. She didn’t get it till I was out of the house. She went to mostly “church therapists” they told her all kinds of things. She was depressed because she was not going to church, or another one said her faith was not strong enough. Then a “real” therapist told her her depression came from her own self loathing and she needed to work on her self image. Getting her outside to match the outside (she was very very overweight) telling her working out daily would solve her problems

My parents were married for 42 years till death do us part. The roles my parents had are your roles. I loved it as a woman. My Mom was the daughter of a car mechanic, my father was a corporate white-collar guy that wanted room service and many pairs of shoes. I never saw them as not being masculine or feminine. Just Mom and Dad.

The first one: that's what my mother wanted from her children and husband. Well, she still wants it, but any time she says it out loud she runs into a 3-siblings barrier. Dad moved to infinity over twenty years ago, but anyway he never accepted that crap. While it is good to be able to anticipate the needs of your partners, friends, whatever, it is not something which can happen magically (it comes after a lot of clear communication) and it should go both ways.

Smart stuff as usual, but gosh i gotta tell you how much i adore your thumbnail 😂

Something that my therapist said to me was along the lines of "I feel like you aren't taking this very seriously. So maybe you should take a break from therapy until you learn how to open up, so you're not wasting your money, or my time". I thought she was supposed to ask me questions and figure out why I needed therapy, because I didn't know anything about how therapy worked. I was undiagnosed ADHD at the time, and I'm an extreme people pleaser, so I just agreed and left, but the rejection sensitivity dysphoria made it so i havent been back to any therapist in nearly 10 years. I don't want to bother anyone else, and now I dont want to burden anyone either.

Is this malpractice from that therapist? 😅

Once, I went to a grief therapist at work because my dad had died recently, and her literal advice was "you should see a medium. I know a fellow who's highly sought after, you'd have to wait a few months because of his waiting list, but then you can speak to your dead dad again."

A miysoginistic therapist would probably be the only one my boomer-cliché father might not declare an idiot right from the start. My parents divorced (they probably should never have married), which was the right thing to do, but in a nasty way. Anyway, my father is not all wrong when he complains about what a handful my mother was (she was. She had BPD and more. Both had alcohol issues. So he was too). But one of his critique points always icks me. That she was "a bad housewife".100% according to these outdated gender rules. He would often say "that women was not 'leadable' (and using the terms for walking a dog)". Being "leadable" like he undestands it should not be a standard for ANY women. Regardless if she is a generally well balanced human being or struggling with mental health. That's why, yes, having somone else to tell her to subordinate might have pleased him. No blame on him watsoever of course. (Not that it would have worked. My mother's nature was rebellious. Ever since she was a little child. Feel pressured to to sth, she would fight like hellhound to do the opposite) But it's terrible that should-be professionals like that even exist. Thanks for this series. I can only imagine how helpful it can be to have a valuable perspective from a third party. Especially since (I assume as it counts for me) being in a therapy puts you already in a vulnerable place. Questioning yourself and the professional, it's hard to find answers on your own. Like is this me being wrong or the therapist doing a bad job? Took me many years (with my actual, good psychiatrist) to really see the "bad" experiences I had with some professionals were rather them than me doing wrong. Last thing: I loved "firefly" and discovered it only thanks to "Cinemy therapy". Thanks for that too. Made this video even better.

I have a mother who is more masculine and a father who is more feminine. They both took up the roles that fitted them best and from the outside I've had some people react surprised when they see what problem I approach what parent for. This stereotypical gender swap in parental roles has also had an effect on us children where we are less stereotypical masculine or feminine. In relationships I've experienced some people react badly to it and others really liked it. My partner should compliment my traits and I'm not changing them no matter how much some people would like me to do so.

In my experience with therapy, if your therapist starts talking about their personal beliefs or values for longer than a, "I can understand where you're coming from, as someone with a similar background." (or something to that affect) they're not following the rules of being a therapist. It's not about them. It's not about what they like or want or believe. It's about you. They can share things to build a connection, if that's how they work. They should not be telling you what to do. NONE of my therapists (the ones I worked well with as an adult at least) have ever told me what to do. Never "you should... you need to..." It was, "why don't we try working on... how do you feel about trying..."

Tried to tell a therapist about my mum's abuse. She then insisted on a session with my mum ( I was 16, so thought i didn't have a choice). She spent the whole time agreeing with my mum then IN FRONT OF MY MUM told me to get over myself, my mum was doing her best, and I shouldn't call her abusive. You can guess how well that went when we got home. Also, love that firefly is your fav show and you married a woman who looks a lot like summer gale.

I was in a group therapy once and there was a woman who had been an affair partner and the therapist said to her 'you did nothing wrong' which outraged me, as the child of a cheating parent, and then he went on some weird tirade about 'there is no such thing as a mistake, or right or wrong'. I get that he was trying to get across some point about how we all do our best in the situation with the tools we've been given from childhood and all that. But it seemed like a really stupid take to me. If there is no right and wrong then what's the point of accountability or trying to change? That's when I learned not to put therapists on a pedestal.

I, just recently, went to a therapist who asked me why I needed a therapist when I had a social worker. Said it in multiple ways that made me feel really uncomfortable.

crying. thank you for acknowledging this in psychotherapy. it's repulsive social psychology at best. Easy money for ruthless misogynists. Crushing abuse of power.

I would nope out of that office in a heartbeat.

To be fair, this area was overrun with need for therapy and few therapists in this therapists defense. But the worst thing i heard from a therapist was: "You aren't suicidal right? You're fine." and I was shown the door. Which was a struggle more at the time because I thought it was a mistake to seek help since it wasn't an emergency in the first place, luckily my father recommended I try again and the therapist that i lined up with at the center the second time was a much more helpful match for my needs at the time and helped me realize and target what was making me struggle so much.

Lol, my favorite worst advice was growing up. I was bullied a lot as a kid, and my therapist told me to dissociate to cope with it. Was really not a good thing.

Worse "advice" (if you could call it that) from a therapist I ever got was right after one of my close friends lost her mother to COVID. Therapist asked how I was doing, told him I wasn't doing well at all, he asked me why, and I told him about my friend, and how worried I was about her. And he basically asked me why I had to be sad just because something bad happened to my friend. He said since it wasn't my mother, I should not be sad, and that I was choosing to be sad when I didn't have to be. And then argued with me when I tried to stop seeing him as my therapist. So... yeah. Not my best experience ever.

I had a therapist tell me and my husband that we were "too old and needed to hurry up and figure this stuff out". We both walked out and were like "WHAAAAAAT?!"

Therapists putting all the blame and weight of emotional labor on women is so common! My mom recently went to couple therapy after learning my step dad cheated on their wedding afterparty years ago and she was told she should just "close that chapter" as if she was overreacting by being hurt because it was so long ago and "what matters now is he is present in their daughter's life". Also she was told that he is lazy and passive, because she demotivates and emasculates him by being too competent and that being hurt that he pretended to be a different person before they married is irrational because "everyone does that". Thankfully, me and my sis talked her into seeing someone else, but she was close to believe that craziness at one point.

Shockingly dramatic outro music haha. (Good commentary, though. Subscribing!)

I'm speaking of someone who has been a part of a high religion group like Christian evangelicals. It sounds like some of these situations may have happened in religious counseling settings. Churches in my experience have employed Christian counselors that pastors can refer the congregation to in times of need. However these counselors tend to not follow the guides of mainline therapist. And do a lot of harm because some of the people who go to them don't know the difference between a Christian counselor or religious counselor and certified mainline counselors.

You guys would just love the, " Dear Joan and Jericha " podcast! lol

I have always told friends you have to find what works for you and who you are with. If someone wants to be a stay at home mom, that is their choice. My only issue is people deciding for me that I have to do that as well. Don't judge me and I won't judge you, there is room in this world for all types of wives and husbands and partners.

Thank you sooo much! My husband and I are just like this! We switch “gender” roles all the time.

I once had a male "therapist" ask me if I would be able to trust him. I was a brand new radfem and without hesitation (I had lots of therapy as a foster child, so I trusted therapist). I said that I could. If I were to be asked now? I'd say hell no!

never thought I’d hear a therapist say “you should be able to read minds” after a lifetime of being told people can’t read my mind

First, glad I’m not a therapist, lol. Having come from a traditional background, and even starting out in more traditional role in my marriage (it was NOT for me), I have questions. As a therapist how do you walk the line between accepting the choice of role but still advocate for your patient to make choices to care for their own well being? How do you make sure they aren't on a path to an unhealthy, toxic or even abusive situation? I’ve been working a lot with my mom and mother in law, both widows that are struggling to learn things like how to pump gas, go through emissions, do taxes, etc. Sticking with their traditional roles meant they never bothered to learn to do things for themselves. Mom has been up nights worried that she’d have to rent out a room, a look at her finances shows us (and her) that she’s VERY comfortable, but she won’t believe it because she never learned how finances work, so she's white knuckling it through her senior years because her role didn't involve learning basic money management. And it works both ways, I have an uncle who after my aunt passed was completely incapable of caring for himself, didn’t even know how to boil water, wash clothes, vacuum, anything. Grief is hard enough without having trial by fire at an advanced age to learn what parts of adulting you’ve missed. No landlord is going to care that a widow was a dutiful wife for 50 years when she’s behind on rent, hell... see the story of the 82 yr old woman who owed $77 for trash service and was arrested.