Just brutally honest... or a narcissist? 

You want to upset an honest person, lie to them. You want to upset a narcissist, tell them the truth.

Brutal honesty without compassion is cruelty

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

"I'm only telling you this because I love you".....🤣🤣🤣

When I expressed concern to my brother about how rude his wife was, his response was ‘she’s just brutally honest’. I wish people would realize that ‘brutal’ is not necessary and not good with ‘honesty’. It’s an excuse to be rude or insensitive. It is totally harmful. So tired of it all. I don’t bother engaging anymore. I keep my boundaries and focus on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

If you are a Truth Speaker though, you get banished. They are able to speak their truth while you are punished for speaking yours.

Yes, yes. My narc sandwiched "I'm your mother and I love you" in between "You're mentally ill" and "I don't have these issues with anyone one else in the world."

Thank God I stayed until the end of the video and heard she said “honestly is good but brutally honest-not so good!”

In my childhood i could never PUSH BACK. I was trained to just take all the "brutally honest" abuse and family totally over stepping boundaries.. It triggered uncontrollable rage if i did and i was subjected to more emotional abuse. It was 3 ppl against me...I thought it was normal bc i truly believed i was such a worthless person...and that i needed them in my life. At 30 i finally left and blocked all of them. All of her videos have been such a blessing!!

Yes I often heard narcissists use that line along with "that's just who am" and "My intentions are well-meaning" followed by a gaslighty response of you either being too sensitive or misreading them when you react. They usually have this smirk after giving you their 2 cents as if they are intentionally trying to upset you. There is a fine line drawn between tough love, blunt, and direct and being nasty, hypocritical, and cruel. Feedback should be constructive, not demoralizing.

My narcissistic father said he was "brutally honest." My mother always called him "tactless." Narcs are certainly "brutally honest" when it comes to judging others, but woo boy, don't you dare be "brutally honest" right back. Nuh-uh. Everything else is a cruel lie. You can't lie because lying is bad, but the narcs can lie as much as they want and hurt whoever they want. Glaring double standards. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.

Narcisism is the absence of love as dr Carter defines it. Love is kind, patient, gentle and has nothing to do with brutality, cruelty or abuse. Anyone who is brutally honest is driven by something that is not love and care. Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤

Ugh 😑 Those are the exact phrases I grew up with, esp: "I'm just telling you the truth so you're ready for the real world."😢 Thank you for calling this out for what it is.

Yeah, the other one they like to bat on about is the 'problem child', where problem child can be defined as anyone who doesn't play the narc's game in the way that is expected

This is tricky because I do know 'brutally honest' people who mean well, and I myself can be blunt at times. The difference is the method and intention behind it...if you really care about someone you don't want to hurt someone with the truth so much as heal them. Honesty doesn't have to be "brutal". Narcissists are "honest" because they want an excuse to tear you down... Good people are honest because they actually do want the best for you. Observe someone for long enough and it will become OBVIOUS which one it is.

"If you CAN'T take it, DON'T dish it!" That was the message I got when I was growing up. They couldn't take it. That's not on me; it's on them.

It's sometimes called "concern trolling." It's a form of gaslighting. They frame it as being concerned but is done to undermine, belittle, or insult you.

As a child, I disagreed silently with the negative things my mother said about me. And yet at the same time I internalized them. So I was left sort of sticking to my guns and yet feeling like a terrible person because of it and that haunts me to this day that plagues me to this day and I’m 63 years old.

I have a vivid memory of my mother first reciting a litany of my failures, and then telling me "I'm the only one who loves you enough to tell you the truth about yourself". Yeah, right...

Certain members of my family would do this to me when I was growing up but would get all upset and rage when I or someone else would do the same to them. Major reason why I don't talk to them nor am I close to them now especially since they would lie to me and steal from me too. I no longer feel the need for their approval or even their acceptance.

I had an ex-friend say something to me that didn't hit me until I told another friend what was said. The other friend state it was an awful thing for her to say that, only then did I realize that it was awful. I had been letting that other person say all kinds of cruel just because she said it was for my own good.

Brutal honestly imo is a psychological game they love to map out and place others on in hopes of striking again and again.

My ex used to say: "You like it when I'm honest, don't you?", and I'd say, "Yes, if you're tactful about it", and then he would proceed to slag me off in some way, no tact whatever. If I reacted negatively, I was too 'sensitive'. Man, that boy was such a feeder: he loved dishing out fun at other people's expense, but couldn't take it. He just couldn't handle the truth. I frequently wonder how I got so trauma bonded to him for 15 years because he could be so spiteful, out of absolutely nowhere. But only to me.

That last part was beautiful. Spend your time with that child by telling them they’re worthy and good. Let them know they are meaningful and beautiful in their own. They can be true to themselves. They can be who they want to be. That’s a potential game changer for their entire life. It’s the best thing you could do.

While my ex-narc was cheating on me he would batter me with brutal honesty. His words were an attack.

If the comments are designed to put down and humiliate others... IT IS NARCISSISM. Honest good people try to tell the truth in a manner that helps. If it doesn't help... If it comes across as just an insult... It IS an insult open your eyes people.

OMG, my sister's exact words. "I'm just brutally honest." That's why I went no contact with her. Tired of the excuses. That's all that is, an excuse for their abusive behavior. I got to hear it from her enablers, too.

My N (ex) used to do this to me all the time and say "it was for my own good" 🙄 , I didn't even dare gently bring up a concern or a discussion let alone be brutally honest with him! In the few times that I even voiced a differing opinion, he punched a wall, punched his other hand, threatened to hit me (never did) or just up and left. Definitely had double standards in everything. Thank you also for mentioning the children. My nephew, living in 2 homes (dad is remarried) is at once spoiled (no rules) by my N sister and also frequently subjected to lashing out and screaming on her part for just acting a little silly. He's 9 and has developed severe anxiety. It helps to know that maybe us being there for him and giving him love may soothe him a little.

Thank you for this. I feel like people can be honest without being brutal or harsh. Honesty and transparency are virtues but unfortunately, narcissists will always jump at the chance to use it as an excuse to be rude- not to mention their supposed “honesty” is often unsolicited.

I have a hard time coping with this one cause I’m a blunt direct person. But I also expect people to be the same with me and get annoyed when they sugar coat it. I’ve been in an abusive relationship with a true narcissist, and he was never really blunt about anything. In fact, he lied all the time like a pathological, liar and sugarcoated everything to make it seem like it was better than what it really was.

I like it when you talk about family systems. Everything you said was so validating⚡️

I can hear my daughter say why are you upset? I was just being honest. So happy to be away from all that abuse. Thank you, Dr.Ramani.❤️

"I'm just being brutally honest" Me in the past: "Who asked you anything ? just stfu"! Me now: thinking "whatever, what do they know anyway"

This is exactly how my so called best friend manipulated me for many years. She eve said things like " you are so naive and easy to manipulate but I would never do that, I could never do that, I'm your best friend and I care for you" . I a so happy to have her out of my life! It's the best feeling ever, I'm free to be myself and I heal so much

Brilliant. So many of us have unknowingly bought that cruelty creates and builds character. Thanks so much for helping us identify and healthily deal with this manipulative behavior, Dr. Ramani.

I have to consistently listen to you Dr Ramani because the narcissist I’m with is noticing something different with me. He’s trying so hard now but I’m moving out tomorrow (because he’s off on Sundays and Mondays) and I just keep listening to you every time he tries a tactic. He has realized I’m not giving into his tactics and is trying in many ways to be ‘good’ now. In my head, once I realized I’m done with him (although I’m still living with him) a huge weight felt like it was lifted so there’s no going back from here. He already lured me back in in January and this time it’s not happening! Thank you so much! I would have NEVER realized and put a name to who he was and how he acts if it was not for you! Immensely grateful ❤❤❤

I totally offset the negative unhealthy comments my nephews experience from their parents to give them lots of positivity praise and love. Reminding myself also that I am good and worthy too. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

There is Such A Difference... between Gentle Honesty... 🤗 Which is Kind and Caring ❤ 🤗 And Brutal Honesty 😡 Brutal honesty is an irony. It's designed to Hurt you 😢 and/or to also break your heart 💔

In my experience with a narcissistic father and a sibling, too, their "brutal honesty" as they like to call it, was often a pack of lies that they would tell me and their other victims, and repeat endlessly, too. Narcissists are truly manipulative, nasty, horrible people. I know all about their fragile egos, etc. I simply don't care anymore. Narcissists love to "dish it out" yet can't ever take a dose of their own medicine. If one tries to tell them any truth about the narcissist, they rise up in moral outrage and go to war. It's a no-win situation. I went no-contact with my dad 35+ years ago. When he died, I mourned what we'd never had: a positive, healthy, parent-child relationship based on love and support. With my sibling, after going no contact for years, getting "hoovered", and then going no-contact again, I realize I will likely never see this person again. That's really for my own good and self-preservation. Narcissists remain angry, bitter, manipulative, abusive people up until the day they die. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Honesty without empathy is just bullying

I've heard it before, from an enabler.

You are just brutally honest and I love it Dr. Ramani… the loser would say “ don’t fall in love with me” “ I don’t want to be in a relationship” “ we’re not in a relationship” as though I wanted more and was not going to get it…or to boost their ego whatever it was, it was a Big turnoff although I told myself…”wow I appreciate the persons honesty”! Later I find it was their grandiosity insecurities entitlement & disregard. It makes me vomit that I tolerated their egotistic Narcissism. Thank you Dr. Ramani

After a long lecture about how we can't make life decisions correctly or responsibly ranging from retirement plan to our dogs vet care, my MIL asked me if me "quitting my job (to go to school) and us getting married was a coincidence?" She proceeded to talk about my husband's exwife taking advantage of him. She ended the lecture saying she cared and loved us. We both felt extremely loved and cared for after..... I think she knew it was inappropriate even in the moment as she said she felt "I could take it" while she was lecturing. After others made her more aware that she was out of line, she apologized somewhat convincingly. When we established boundaries and didn't just say "it's okay," she decided to stop communicating with us. It's been over a year now.

they can dish it out but not take it.

I thought, instead of trying to always provide "evidence" to convince people that this (narcissism) is actually real, I think that the reason people don't "see it" is because they are actively trying and doing every single thing they can, NOT to see it..... Does that make sense? It's not that we are doing a bad job trying to explain and provide evidence and proof. It's that they are doing everything they can not to see the narcissistic behavior... 👍❤❤❤

What I heard, growing up was, “I’m just being honest, you’re too sensitive”. My parents were my first bullies, and if no one was around a bully me I was always good at bullying myself. It’s like I knew something was dysfunctional growing up and I knew no one would ever understand but I thought if I got away from the source I could fix it, I was only able to for a short time but even now, if 51 years old, I can’t function well in the world socially so I stay by myself whether I’m working or whatever. It’s like my only solace is also my only curse solitude.

So true…. They can dish it out but can’t take it!

Thank you Dr Ramani! I have noticed it is telling when people talk about them selves in third person! It looks like they are looking or someone to validate them and assist with their regulation. I have said countless times. If you are as "concerned" as you claim adding action to your words will increase credibility! No Bueno!

My mother has ALWAYS been a blunt and brutally honest person, not just with me, but with everyone. At the same time, I can now see how she will be that way when it serves her best. I have seen her clam up real quick when I ask her a question that might incriminate her about something. She can almost never take what she dishes out. If I’m as blunt with her, as she is with me, she’s super quick to get defensive, blame shift, rage out,… The whole nine yards. I have said many times over the years, “You’re the only one who talks to me like this. No one else says these things to me. How do you explain that?” Her response is, “They don’t know you.”

I'm not a narcissist, but I am very straightforward and honest. If someone asked me if I liked them, I would have no problem telling them the truth. My ex-girlfriend is a narcissist, so believe me, I know the difference.

Right. He says: "I am just saying the truth. You are not able to hear the truth. Always in a bad mood. Forgot to take your pills again?"

Excellent! Very helpful. Thank you very much.

Truth!

Thank you so much for this! Gave so much clarity!

He once said he’s brutally honest while breaking my heart but he was just being brutal. As usual. When I said it hurt though, he said (kinda yelled) I should be thankful bc he is being honest with me and it’s something great that he deserves respect for that.

Yes, people have said that to me. I have a Comeback to it. Look 'em directly in the eyes and say: "yeah. I've noticed. Funny how you're never "just being honest" with Praise or anything positive! Being brutally honest back to them can be met with their rage or silent treatment or them leaving. Fine! Let them. Tell 'em you sick n tired of their ONE-SIDED Bullshit....and thats the problem. Too many of us dont. So, what happens when you never stand up to the bully at the beach who kicks sand in yer face? They keep on doing it. So....stand up. LET them get upset. They may walk out. End the relationship. Divorce you. If they get violent or hit you, you can file assault charges. Enough is enough. Who needs to keep living like that? You shouldn't dread coming home. Save yourself. You may very well be Happier Less ridiculed More Peace, at home. All that, in turn, is better for your health.

thank you Dr. Ramani for un-crazying us 😭

I had to pretend to be something or someone I wasn't. I became something I hated when he pushed my buttons. I lied to him about people's or places I'd seen in order to avoid his rages or discards. After being away from him for 2mnths now I find being bluntly honest refreshing instead of lieing. 🍒

It is o e of the reasons I’m letting go of an acquaintance. She is over the top, with her so-called brutal honesty (although she’s never actually said that). But I’ve seen these lightning bolts of nastiness, to me and other people that just made me feel, “Woa!” It’s easy getting rid of her though. All some narcissists g huff Ave to figure out, is that they’re not going to get what they want from you and it’s like seeing a witch fly off, on her broom.

Right on point again Dr R ! Thank you u so much.

@4:13 I love when Dr. Ramani gets spicey. ❤🔥🙏🏿🐈🐈‍⬛

My N said she was just “brutally honest” all the time and she was only doing it because she cared about me. Even repeated it again in her very last text to me when I went NC. The few times I tried to do it with her, it brought on a frightening rage.

My narc boyfiend always justified everything saying that he was direct and that I couldnt handle it. And then got in a rage and blocked me. Havent heard a word from him in 2 months. Totally unacceptable behaviour….😢

Blew my mind. I didn't even realize this and how much harm it can do. Thank you so much for this

Yes!! Thankyou Dr

I didn't know "honesty" came in all kinds of flavors

My ex sister-in-law told me as though it was a virtue: my mom isn’t two faced. She’ll tell you what she thinks to your face. Okay well she chose to be cruel with her delivery and her words. She’s honest with what she thinks of other people but isn’t honest about anything deep inside her like her own life. She didn’t share and is open and honest in that aspect. It’s very critical and judgement honesty. And definitely can’t give it back to her.

Yes, if you go along with this BS, there is no limit to the nasty things they can say and get away with!

😥 My sister is proud to be brutally honest. In 2021, like many others, my family was hit with covid. My oldest son died and his dad ended up in the hospital for 17 days. My sister said "oh, that wasn't even when the strongest covid was active. I had covid when it was the worst!" Then proceeded to say that she wished that my son lived and his dad died instead. Everything she's gone through is worse/harder than everyone else. Sigh... 😢😪

Thanks Dr Ramani God Bless

Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

Most of my whole family. Until I found out I realized they were brutal like hitting someone with an electric lamp: it hurts but it breaks. Most of their "personas" were a façade.

I hear it from my narc sister everytime. Yes!!! She may be honest and may even be guiding mentor but I cannot be honest with her. Whenever I say brutal truth about her, she changes the topic or lashes out in anger or she just brings in my vulnerabilities in those conversations to shut me up ( example - how' my career is not growing at the pace it should be or even how I have gained weight) That's really frustrating ughh.😢 Even my mother takes her side saying ...she is your sister...she may be bitter but always wants good for you.

I just had a talk last night to my daughter always saying sorry for her opinion. I'm like no. It's how you feel. Don't be sorry. It can change, yes, but don't ever be sorry for your feelings or opinions

Were you listening to the phone calls I've had with my relatives? Word for word. I felt sick to my stomach. Now, more than ever, I know my decision to go no contact was the best move for me.

I had this exact experience this evening, with my terminally ill mother. I challenged her, against my set strategy of greyness and zero emotionality. With provocation, she bypassed my emotional firewall and prompted me to be honest.. something that she has never been shy about. That brutal honesty. Ha! I'm not proud, feeling quite miserable because of what I said actually.. I spoke nothing but truth.. and she put the phone down. Something she's never done. I probably won't hear from her again. I'm unsure if it's a good or bad thing. All I know is that both my brother and I have been narratively sabotaged by her for decades. I expect I'll see her husband further down the road though. His m.o. is violence while hers is unaccountable meanness. It is what it is. I wish it wasn't.

I say bluntly honest. Brutally honesty is trying to hurt! There's a time to be blunt never brutal!

100% right, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for seeing my experience with my ex-partner of 15 years. That's why he's my ex. ❤️

My parents did this to me as a child and I rather logically deduced that I'd be showing love to my friends and classmates if I also started saying shitty things to them! My teachers called in my parents to talk about it, thus giving them some more ammunition to tell me how awful I was. I really wish teachers were better trained to recognize the signs of someone being emotionally abused.

There is expression in my native language that says : "words hurt, words heal" (my free translation) Thank you, doctor, for reminding me You each time saving me

I disconnected after my boyfriend was 'honest' about his pedicure being interested in him and gave him her phone number. He accepted it, so his action disgusted me. I didn't explain anything, just went silent. That was a month ago, now he refers to me as the girlfriend he lost. That's right: he can stuff his honesty wherever as far as I'm concerned! I have my bounderies.

Being brutally honest back to a narcissist is reflected back on you. Been there, done that.

If you’re going to tell it like it is, you better damn well be ready to listen like it is.

It’s always in your “best” interest.

Truth when faced with their (upsetting) lie? I was shown the door, when merely saying his lie about family members, so as to not take responsibility.

Narcissist never talk brutal honesty .In fact they always lie

Brutal and often uncomfortable honesty. No filters. No care on if they upset feelings. Ultimately no care about sensitivity. My narc had such a poor world view. Such a damaged soul and just wanted to project it out. Genuine love was a foreign body to him. All very sad when offence becomes the defence.

I usually say I'm brutally honest I expect it back as well so I didn't realize that's a trait I just expect honesty

ive come across someone like that saying ive no filters when they destroy someone its difficult to reconcile the fact that they are very damaged ppl with the extreme cruelty

And they play the victim ... And make you feel bad for giving the same treatment. And gives you the " I'm sorry for being honest"

Absolutely 💯 correct. Thank you

made the mistake of engaging in a heated argument with my narcissistic father who had a few drinks down. I was very honest with him and it did not go well. The more I watch these videos the more things click, but at the same time I become very depressed. It’s not just my father, it’s my mother and a sister, and they’re constantly manipulating this web and I literally feel crazy. Like will I ever get out of these cycles. Will this ever stop? Will this ever end? Will I ever finally leave for good. It’s so maddening, it makes me want to disappear from exsistance.

Preach,precious doctor!!!!

Narcissists have serious problems the truth is eventually coming out

So when we emulate that, because this is all we know, how do we heal and stop these destructive behaviors?

I was accused of being brutally honest by a sister in law years ago.

I have a narc father, he also says these as well as brutally honest: -“tough love” -“It hurts me to say this” -”Just being truthful” -“I guess its my job” -“I tell it like it is” -“I’m just the idiot that’s got to talk to you this way. And I don’t want to have to!” -“Hope you see. That I’m just being honest of how the world spins”

I also find the “I don’t know how to sugar coat this” lead up can also be hurtful coming from a narcissist. It is a back handed criticism of how in-tough the target is.

My mom and my sister are this person... My sister actually says that catchphrase while mom is a little more covert about advertising it. Now I am brutally honest about myself after a life of regular embarrassment. I try to get a laugh out of people by sharing embarrassing things about myself. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it gets awkward.

My sister is exactly like this! Just last week she said she was getting a Father’s Day card for my other sister’s husband…. I said why? they don’t have any kids? She said he does a lot for her. Well that is true, sort of. It’s mostly my sister who does things for her sister, not her husband. She called me at 8:30 at night and told me off. He’s her daughter’s godfather. She was nasty. I just said you have told me off royally so thank you and good night. She then folded in on herself and wouldn’t talk to anyone until last night. That’s 3 days. She isn’t well, I get that. She has no money, friends and her daughter moved 2000 miles away to the middle of nowhere. I still see her but I won’t participate in the game anymore.