Kevin Clay (Penn State '15 BFA Music Theatre) performs "Allergic to Cats" from the musical "The Theory of Relativity" with the music and lyrics by Neil Bartram.
Lyrics: Good evening, Doctor. O’Hara. I'm glad you could make it. I know, it's frustrating getting to midtown at this time of day. The uptown NR is a pain, not to mention the rain. But thank you for coming, sir. I've got something to say. I'm allergic to cats. That's part of the reason I asked to have dinner with you. I'm allergic to cats. I know, it's hardly a life-threat’ning medical hullabaloo. See, when I was born, they expected me later. So I spent two months in an incubator. Ever since that, I can't be near a cat. I can tell by your smirk, you think this is silly and borderline phobic, perhaps. But this innocent quirk, can cause such a violent reaction my lung could collapse. So bear with me sir. This is nothing sordid. Your patience, I promise will be rewarded. I'm really not bats, just allergic to cats. But Julie, Julie loves cats. As you know, they're her passion and joy. She knits them wool sweaters and crochets them hats. For their birthdays, she sews them their own special toy. There's Meowser, Miss Mew, Cookiepuss, Alexander. Her couch is a playground of pee and dander. So I cough and I wheeze, pop a fistful of Claritin-D's, try to hide before anyone sees I'm allergic to cats! For over a year, I've hidden from Julie each anaphylactic display, 'cause she's such a dear. If she knew how cats make me suffer she'd give them away. But she is my world, I live for her truly. Julie loves cats, and I love Julie. So she tickles their toes, and I smile while my throat starts to close. But I vow that she'll never suppose I'm allergic to cats. Well, Doctor O'Hara, I feel that I've buried the headline. The point of this story is murky, I have to concede. I hope that I've shown you tonight, I love your daughter with all of my might. So humbly, I stand, asking you for her marital hand. Wedded life will be blissful and grand. With Julie, and Meowser, Miss Mew, Cookiepuss, Alexander, the dander, the pee, and me!
