The boys won't let Kyle join in on any of the Holiday activities because he's Jewish. Kyle sings a song about feeling lonely and left out on Christmas.
"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo" S01
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EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY
The kids all run outside, where big, beautiful flakes of snow are falling from the sky.
STAN
WOW! Christmas snow!
WENDY
Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue, it’s fun!
VINCE GUARLDI piano MUSIC kicks in as all the kids catch snowflakes.
A flake lands on Stan’s tongue.
A flake lands on Cartman’s tongue.
Kenny points his head up, but just then a bird flies by and shits in Kenny’s mouth.
KENNY
PLMPH!!!
STAN
OH SICK, DUDE!!
Kyle sticks out his tongue, but-
CARTMAN
Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
Jewish people can’t eat Christmas snow!
KYLE
We can too!
STAN
No, I think it’s against the law, dude.
KYLE
OFFICER BARBRADY!!
Barbrady is standing in an intersection, directing traffic.
BARBRADY
What?
KYLE
IS IT ILLEGAL FOR JEWS TO EAT CHRISTMAS SNOW?!
BARBRADY
Yes.
Kyle stares down at the ground, pouting.
KYLE
DAMMIT!
STAN
Hey, come on guys, we have to go to
the mall and tell Santa Claus what we
want for Christmas!
CARTMAN
Yeah, we’ll see you later, Kyle. Guess
there’s no reason for you to come
since you don’t get Christmas presents.
KYLE
No, but I get Hanukkah presents for EIGHT DAYS!!
CARTMAN
Too bad it’s usually a dreidel or
something lame like that.
Stan walks away from Kyle.
STAN
We’ll catch up with you later, Kyle.
The kids all start to walk away from Kyle.
KYLE
Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do
have Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo!
The boys all stop.
STAN
What is this about Christmas poo dude?
KYLE
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet
every year and gives presents to
everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
CARTMAN
Oh Kyle, c’mon seriously, you are
really reaching right now.
KYLE
Well, you’re gonna be sorry when you
see me riding around on Santa’s sleigh
with Mr. Hankey, fat ass!
CARTMAN
(Super snooty)
You’re not gonna ride on Santa’s
sleigh ‘cause you’re a Jew, KYLE.
STAN
See ya, dude.
Everyone leaves. Kyle stands there alone... Sad. Sad, soft music begins.
KYLE
It’s hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won’t let me join in any
games. And I can’t sing Christmas
songs Or decorate a Christmas tree Or
leave water out for Rudolph ‘Cause
there’s something wrong with me
My people don’t believe
in Jesus Christ’s Divinity
I’m a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas...
Kyle walks over to where he sees children laughing and playing and sitting on Santa’s lap. Kyle watches from the distance, behind a tree.
KYLE
Hanukkah is nice, but why is it that
Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to
eat kosher latke. Instead of Silent
Night I’m singing Ooo chach to ga
vive and what the fuck is up with
lighting all these fucking candles
tell me please!
I’m a Jew
A lonely Jew I’d be merry, but I’m
Hebrew On Christmas.
The song ends. Kyle slowly walks away.
15 сен 2024
