All i get from this clip: - expectation holding us back - we should be grateful - expectation to people is mirror of our self - all expectation cant be stopped - expectation doesn't guarantee us anything - expectation doesn't stop worst things happen - do your own stuff - letting go the expectation - rest from reality
Expectations are desires, and desires are the root of all disappointments and pain. Giving up expectations from others and oneself is NOT easy. It is one of the most painful thing to do if you are someone like me who gets attached to people, things and places. It’s excruciatingly miserable and depressing existence. Not easy to give up.
So true! Lately I have looked at it as a way of giving freedom to others as well as myself. However, we are designed for connection! What's the balance?
I really liked this talk.A few years ago I discovered a change in the way I thought about relationships. I stopped thinking about what they might do for me. Instead I started to think about what I could do for them. That change in me took place when my dog died. She was the one who taught me to think this way because I wanted absolutely nothing from her, I just wanted things FOR her. And when she was no longer around, I understood this also works for people. Only hope I had realized it sooner, I might have treated a lot of people much better.
Wow, the same happened to me! Death of my dog made me a completely different person,so humble and forgiving! Suddenly, I could understand everybody and where they are coming from, their perspective...This also opens doors for the love to come in (from the inside of us, not from the external world, which most people are _expecting_ to happen and usually are disappointed!) because as long as we are bitter and don't get what we 'expect' we are not able to feel the _true_ love, empowering kind..There should be a TED talk about that - how much we can learn from animals! Everybody should not just have a dog but spend a certain time alone with them, to get as close as possible to them. There is so much wisdom in animals and unfortunately most people spend their whole lives not discovering it... _Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened_ "
But your dog offers support and a safe haven and that alone is an expectation sometimes are expectations can be as simple as that but I’m sorry for you loss I’ve also been in the same situation
Wow, it’s so true that we don’t expect anything from our dogs, we just want them to always be happy and healthy. But we expect so much from people, we expect our relationships to be a certain way, our loved ones to act/say certain things, the list goes on and on.... I haven’t yet lost my dog...she’s 5 years old, but I can already feel the pain thinking about losing her. I’m still working on letting go of expectation of people... thanks for your reminder.
Beautiful! I actually learned this after having my first child! I've changed so much after I had a child. I I realized that I can't control everything and that I'm still going to love whether she does what I want her to do or not. Lol. I learned that she is her own little person and she is entitled to have her own feelings and I can't be mad at her or punish her for feeling different than the way I think she should feel. And now I use this with all of my relationships. 😊
I had the privilege of being taught by Ms. Marshall for two years in high school. She was truly a wonderful teacher and made all her students feel loved and successful. She was not scared to share her stories to connect with us and make us feel at home in the classroom. I loved being taught by her and always feel proud when I see her tedtalk :)
I was taught this growing up: Show up Pay attention Tell the truth Don't be attached to the outcome. It's the fourth one that has proved to be the most difficult.
not all expectations are false. I am not a quitter. You just have to learn or recognize when it's time to let go...You can't give up without trying...and as long as I tried, I can walk away a better person knowing that at least I took the risk. We can't win all the time.
Heather.. I’ve got goosebumps beyond measures❤️ You answered to 40 years of pain that had been planted in me, and I was about to let a sweet, amazing person pay for those years of expectations. Thank you for guiding me to give “us” a chance❤️🙏🏻
Wow, this is soo good. I’ve been struggling with the frustration of failed expectations. I’ll be challenging myself to fully rest in the reality of moments and to own my stuff and being gracious with what I see as weaknesses. To see reality as beautiful.
I wish this talk was an hour long with more examples of how it applies in real life in areas outside relationships. Her concept is powerful but the example she illustrates it with is very very narrow. I’d like to hear more of her.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!! I was suicidal a few moments ago but I'm trying to fight the feelings and thoughts mentally by reaching out for positivity and you did that for me Heather Marshall!!! Thank you and God bless.
Bon Chica Sun I been exactly where you are. Things will get better tho you may not see your way out now. You are in control of your destiny. Sending you love and positive vibes 💕
Now that was the best talk on relationships I have ever heard! And yes, Ìf you`ve asked a couple of times and you didn`t get the response you wanted, your probably not going to get it.`That comment is so very true, and I wish I knew it many years ago. But better late then never. We do need to rein in some of our expectations, tone them down to reality, and be happier for doing it. Live in the moment....we need to rethink the way we live and `Live in the moment more.` So many profound comments in this talk, that I will have to listen more then once. Thank you Heather Marshall.
I have so much high expectations to my future. I expect that after years of suffering I'd be happy and sucessful by then. But life doesn't always work that way. I wanna lower my expectations but idk how. Less expectations, less dissapointments
That’s not the way you’ll be able to drop expectations, that’s just soul crushing. Drop expectations so you can appreciate all the things you have but never deserved. I’m
The first step in Letting Go of expectations of others, is to first start Letting Go of expectations of yourself. Meaning: start telling yourself (and believing) that it's okay not to expect certain things from yourself, such as perfection, the need to be first, the need to be right, the need to have the nicest, trendiest, high-end things (like, cars, home, clothes, etc...), the need to show off or impress others. When you start not expecting those things for and from yourself, you will see how much easier it is to not have so many expectations of others.
Awesome stuff... Expectations hold you back. We should never expect anything from a relationship we should do our part selflessly.. Because everyone's way of expression is different and may not match with our expectations This video needs more views
Ok cool but is it ok to feel that I’m putting all the work in the relationship and they are putting little to none into. Does it make it ok to stay with them ? Is it ok to feel as though they won’t want this as much as I do ? If I’m feeling the sense of happyness in a relationships due to how little time and effort they put in it. Is it ok to stay with that person??? I’m confused help
it all depends how much you invest in those expectations. It is more difficult if you are not willing to let go, and continue to "hold on" to hope. At some point, I agree, you will become stronger and better able to "accept" or "deal with it", but you will always be left with that scar in your heart of what you wanted, and could never attain. Maybe in time, I will learn to let go of that too.
I hear what you are saying Amelia. I have recently dropped expectations I had of certain family members and a friend. I had to do this to reduce the pain and disappointment I had been feeling. From now on I will be developing the new habit of not setting myself up with expectations. I ''expect'' this to be a positive change in my thinking. How are you doing Amelia ? Do you have any tips to give me ?
@@patriciafisher3108 hello Patricia, I wish I had the wisdom to advise. I am learning as I go. It's different with different situations. Some events are more painful than others. To me, it's about how invested I am with people that are in my life. It's hardest with those that you expect or want more from. Good luck with your journey. Some things are just accepting situations, and I am not always quick to let go. It's a process.
I've had this video in my watch list for months, and today o decided to watch it. Turns out, I needed this so badly, and only at this moment. Thank you so much.
I am starting to think that if one has low expectations then it is self protection as you will not be disappointed or feel let down. It is hard to belong in a world and interact with others who do not treat you very well. It is nice though when some unexpected kindness comes through, as that takes your breath away.
Meditation caught me in a profound thought of "are my high expectations closing me off to happiness? So after watching your video I understand fully what that looks like. Thanks 🙏
Great talk! it’s a tough subject..hopel has to be tempered with reality..just keep doing your very best..the rest will go where it goes., A hard learned lessons..acceptance is a process ..
This was excellent and what I needed to hear, but I wish she would have talked more about her reunions with her parents. I would have loved to have heard how that went. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations...
This was helpful! I need to let go of the expectation of my husband listening to me. It's not going to happen so I need to let it go. It's sad but true.
There's also the possibility that someone listening to you is a human need that barriers in your husband's life/psyche/self-esteem/relationship with you prevent him from giving to you. It's possible you've felt ignored or rejected in the past, and you've recreated a relationship in which your partner makes you feel that way and reinforces a painful but comfortable dynamic whose roots took hold earlier in your life. Maybe this video is right and we shouldn't feel we SHOULD to be listened to, but I believe it is very possible to foster a relationship in which both parties are listened to and feel understood, heard, and accepted. I believe equality is important, and I don't think the problem here is inherently with the person who has the expectation of being listened to--that you're just not Zen enough. Sometimes the problem is with the person you have the expectations of, and perhaps someone else can fulfill you better, whether because they listen to you or because they can have the kind of relationship with you that your husband is incapable of having under these particular circumstances.
Complacency in a relationship COULD just be accepted if you can find happiness with what you have, but maybe something more fulfilling is out there. That's all I'm saying.
I recommend Esther Perel's relationship podcast (Where Should We Begin?) Poor communication rooted in fears and disappointments are very common in relationships, and she offers a lot of insight into that particular subject among others.
I dunno. I have a hard time letting go the expectation of not being lied to and cheated on by husband. If that's unreasonable, so be it. Some expectations must be met if you want to be treated nicely.
Frau Ing it is not unreasonable! It’s a deliberate relationship where it is a minimum requirement! Loyalty and honesty are the foundations of a marriage!
I'd class being faithful as more of a commitment than an expectation. Given that as part of the vows for most ceremonies you promise to be faithful and take care of each other till death does us apart. It's a fair point though.
Because that’s where freedom and unconditional love lies. We are all meant to be loving to love, not loving to receive, not loving to control, just loving. It’s a practice for sure, but I have found it to be worth it. Expectation comes from our ego. When we align with our spirit, it simply wants us to be present in our moments and love for the sake of loving, because love is what we are.
@@JK-ek5jv but are not relationships are two way thing, that there is an exchange of love. What though if people do not show love through their actions? I told someone recently how their treatment of me upset me and my expectation was for them to apologise but I got nothing. If that person loved me they would have been concerned about me being upset and apologise. I am starting to think I should not expect even the basics of love from people. I will then not be surprised. As each day goes by, my views about human beings are the low of the lows. I do feel we need to get back to the basics of what love actually is.
@@nicholabrown11 In my experience, we’re carrying a lot through time with us. This isn’t our first life. Our issues are usually set up in the past because of limiting thoughts and beliefs we locked in. None of us are victims as we are powerful creators. Most are creating unconsciously. We can communicate our feelings to others and if they choose to not treat us as we want to be treated, then we have free will choice to move on. We need to be mindful of what thoughts and beliefs we repeatedly carry forward through repetition, because those are the exact things that will be delivered to us in our physical reality. I use triggers as windows into what I need to heal internally using Aboriginal Dreamtime Healing using Holographic Kinetics. It allows us to change the past in the present so we can create a new future. I went from attracting emotionally unavailable guys to attracting an amazing open hearted, conscious man who is also healing his internal world. EVERYTHING is an inside job. It’s never about the other people. 💕
@@JK-ek5jv thanks for the reply. I am so pleased you have found a special man in your life and healing techniques. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Nice talk but it just states the obvious: "you should be letting go of expectations". It doesn't tell you how to do it which is what most people are looking for. That's like those motivational talks telling you that you should find your life goal or passion but not telling you how to. It doesn't help.
Oh Lord.. this is a mountain to climb.. I get the benefits but it is incredibly difficult for me to not expect. It’s a part of who I am because I’m always looking to make others experience better and also expect from them to do the right thing... I’m missing something
People, even people that mean to love and care for you as part of their life will let you down. Period. They may not mean to and do not want to but they will because at that time they let you down they are being weak. Whether through cowardice-too afraid of whatever it is at the time to get involved in the risk of bearing your burden with you, poverty (they are too poor financially to help you), they are undisciplined and used to taking care of self first and thereby weak in that sense, or they are just too selfish and cannot feel what you feel and cannot see beyond their own pleasures and comforts, ambition etc. Hence, they will let you down. So to set you, (you that is) free the best way is to forgive them and lovingly choose not to rely on them in the future. They are not strong enough. So, you must do the thing yourself or go without that which they could help you with. Lower your expectations of them yet raise them for yourself. It sets you free from being disappointed and that pain. You are not surprised when they do not come thru. Not painfully disappointed anymore, just aware. They just can't be there for you. Maybe they never will but give them the benefit of the doubt that they will someday grow up stronger and be better but right now they are not. They are not there yet. Maybe they will never be. Encourage with tangible hopeful instructions when they might finally solicit your advice or opinion (they can finally start growing too) but mainly work on yourself to be stronger. You need to improve you. You cannot change them. This has helped me many times in dealing with humanity. Remembering they are weak just as I am at times and that it is best not to depend too much on their strength, to be self sacrificing or helpful. You be the person that does the thing they won't do. Just remember not to have pride come into your heart in the process. Remember where you were and what you were about before you began getting strong. It will keep your heart humble while you grown along the way.
dang I wanted to hear about the reunion! sounds like it went okay, oops these are my disappointed expectations, lol, but with such a sad start, a somewhat happy ending would have been nice to hear about. But I guess I can "rest in the reality" of not knowing every detail ... ;/ I guess..
Problem is i was entering this video not cuz of my expectations of others. But the crippling unfulfilled expectations i have of my self which when arent met, are absolutely numbing.
It’s 2023 just turned 26 , things are getting better however I did set goals that by this age I would have xyz , a portion didn’t happen - yet “ but , expecting it by a year and not getting it didn’t feel good . I plan to throw a big party for my 30th wether I’m still single or not with friends , I don’t expect it to happen since it may be unrealistic to have many friends come at all . When it’s social plans I’m almost always left alone to carry the flag , gods will give me strength please.
You have to observe who they are. Do you think it's wise to expect a greedy person to share?...or ex: I expect you to make me happy!. Do you think it's fair for me to expect this from you ? No, that's a burden you didn't ask for, furthermore if you don't live up to my expectations I will be very disappointed....now I'm disappointed and you're a failure. There are no problems, only solutions. Once you find the solution the problems cease to exist. If you don't expect anything from anyone......that unexpected hug or call is more the sweeter.....do something you wouldn't expect to see yourself doing, be adventurous, be brave and learn what to expect from yourself.....a genuine, loving, caring person. So just concentrate on who you present yourself to be and just be it.
Just out of curiosity, what is the difference between letting go of expectations and accepting less from yourself? I can't even begin to allow myself to feel okay with lowered performance in my profession without feeling like I'm failing myself.
You lower your expectations of others but raise them for yourself. They just cannot be or do what you want or need so you need to do it yourself or without them. Raise the bar for yourself not others. Others are too weak. Forgive them for it and move on to making yourself better. Try not to scorn them in the process. They may come along eventually doing better and you were not perfect to start with either, but you get it though. Hope this helps.
