LIMERENCE: Hiding Your Feelings to Keep Your Fantasy "Safe" 

I felt that

Well said

Yes this 😔

The level I felt this on 🥲

Oh, wow.

So true! -Cara@TeamFairy

wow great awareness! it's the greif and detox I feel

Well put

Brilliant comment. Just being away from her for a few days lessens the affects of limerence.

Amen - I’m on Day 3 🥹❤️🙏

Yup.

This hits me so hard

From the very beginning, I've felt that way. I remember faking a stomachache (tbh I might have actually had a psychosomatic stomachache) and cutting my trick-or-treating short because I was so nervous to stop at my crush's house- I was 9 years old

Ditto

Haha I commented the same thing :) I had to pause the video at that sentence because it's just so simple and true.

@@pizzakrydder2515 Same 😥

Bruh

That not getting something back? It also struck me to have something to do with codependence for me. I can get in "other-ated" mode. I put the focus on the outside, go into a fix it or care taking mode, and don't view my own experience (or the experience of others) clearly. Codependency is not just about putting others first in your own life to the point that their needs take priorities over your own self care. Codependency has to it that layer of trying to exercise a form of control over on in the situation. For me, I was looking for safety on the "outside" because I didn't know how to be my own safe place. My safety growing up had been in the hands of others that were not safe people for children. As an adult, I kept trying to create environments or situations where I would matter--have value, and be therefore be safe, by placing my value on the outside. I wanted be known (as good, desirable, a contributor) as a form of self protection. By controlling the outside with solutions that I felt would be a fix for others, I felt I would somehow be fixing me...keeping me safe and protecting. Yes, other-ated. Codependency and CPTSD for me went hand in hand. I got into co-da (codependence anonymous--a 12 Step group--free) online meetings during the pandemic. The things about the pandemic? It gave us all time and space to break from the narrative we called reality to reconsider what we value in life. Everyone I know has decided to give self-care and mental health issues a greater priority in life. Now we can work on taking better care of ourselves...and then, each other. Kindness to ourselves seems key in all this. It's not kindness to ourselves to put ourselves in a situation where we are getting nothing back or living off crumbs. Those pervasive patterns! But keeping ourselves in constant trying to survive mode isn't true kindness internalize or externalized, in reality. We have survived. Now it's time to learn to heal and to live fully. Grateful for the Fairy and this self help community support.

Right between the eyes!

Good post

yep, just realize this yesterday, after i saw intimacy trauma from parent figure.... no wonder im having hard time to be vulnerable, we, child of Narcissist, never been taken care on emotional level

@@Peanuts76 I agree:)). We never learned as kids. We can learn it as adults.

It's more showing a person priorities, goals, structure and what purpose existentially speaking in relation to their life do these relationships belong (?). Everyone changes, grows, sees so much perspective. Healing results in simplicity and regulation to the point it makes no sense after therapy to blame, shame, ego issues to the artist ego to addiction just don't apply anymore.

Better wounds from a friend than kisses from an enemy. Proverbs 27:6

That seems to be what is happening to me now, I'm staying away from real love and living in fantasy as a distraction. But I want to heal and experience real love, I want to stop with the unhealthy obsession. Out of respect for myself and the other person I care about

EXACTLY

Just be careful... I mean maybe mine would have ended badly no matter what but I had someone who was my only crush in high school... now I know I had limerence HARD for him. I waited to act on my feelings because I think it would have been too intense back then. Years later we reconnected and the attraction was high, on both ends. It was more equal finally than it had been in the past, I was more confident and secure within myself and instead of putting him up on a pedestal like I used to when I had limerence hard... This time it was a simple and secure moving towards another person. 🙂 Long story short he was a completely different person than he used to be... (in a bad way unfortunately ha) he used to be one of the weird art kids like me. It seems to me he’s had some sort of wounding surrounding that part of himself and now he’s almost completely disowned the artist part, instead showing up as very cerebral. This is the limerence speaking but sometimes I wonder if I had been there for him back then maybe he wouldn’t have severed that part of himself... I don’t know. Probably not. My self esteem was so low back then I would have been too easy to bend... I would have been crushed by his harshness and with time and my confidence growing I now realize that harshness is just something I am not compatible with. And that’s something he’s always had, haha. It was just a disaster that never would have happened either way, I guess...

@@tessarae9127Hi Tessa, thank you for sharing your story. “When I was younger”. I’m married and have been with my husband for over 10 years. I’m sensible and I go by the facts, not fantasy and I am 34 yo now. I’m like 80% healed because I have done the work over the years to get to this headspace. I’m so grateful for my progress. You’ve been through a lot. Big hugs. Wishing you happy healing.

Trueee

Curious what you mean by this? You left your relationship and regret staying that long?

Lots of poets do this

Those men are disgusting

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

Absolutely. Been there myself far too long. Never a dull moment, Anna 😉

I like that!

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I sent a message to Robert Glover on FB regarding getting on your show. I hope it helps!

I love this idea

Ugh yes, I’ve come to despise the concept of “falling in love”... it just feels like you and the other person are just victims and powerless to your feelings. Real love feels free 💙

@@tessarae9127 I agree! 😀

Beautifully written

Opening up to yourself and to the other person too? And what if he only wants to be bestfriends with you but you want more? Being rejected like that is also healing? So what do you do after all those things are being done?.. You walk away to totally heal?

@@jedilady4485 Ahhhhh you described something that happened to me exactly. I wrote him a really personal love letter. It was completely, utterly vulnerable and completely me. We had dated and I had not been able to be myself, we parted, became friends, and I decided I wanted to be honest about how I felt and open up the "real me". He not only said he did not feel the same, he said he wanted to be friends and then completely stopped talking to me basically. I have never been SOOO hurt and so rejected, and I realized why I never opened up the real me and my true heart - because it would hurt so much to be rejected for that. It has taken me months, and brought up so many issues with self-worth and despair and such intense shame. I'm still not 100% over it but mostly I would say. The thing is, it showed me I can survive my greatest fear - the fear of opening up and being shown I am, in fact, not good enough to be loved for who I am by, in my eyes, "someone like him" - but I learned that fear was already always in ME. I broke down the way I did not because he did not feel the same way or want more, but because of an underlying fundamental wound to my self-worth I was looking for someone to confirm or heal by loving me. The whole experience made me realize that my own healing of that wound is what will let me get to know someone truthfully and as myself and not be terrified and mistrustful and trying to please them out of fear of being rejected for my truest self. Because I already survived that and it was okay. And I figure the person I meet when I am in THAT energy of fearlessly being myself and wearing my heart and my truth on my sleeve is the person who is truly meant for me. So the situation that nearly killed me in terms of the depth of self-hate and despair it brought up for me was also a blessing in disguise because now I am free of that fear, and it can no longer control me. Have you seen the movie V for Vendetta? Remember how V put Natalie Portman through that hell and how she is so angry but then stands bald at the end in the rain so free from her fear and realizes the gift of it. That is how it felt. It is still painful, but I guess I just wanted to share this with you to say I think maybe some pain is worth it when its the pain that you already carry in you anyways just coming to light. If they are meant for you or it is the right time, they will be compassionate and grateful to you for opening up and wanting to explore things. If they are not, then it is simply their loss or not the right time. I used to hate when people said that - because the truth was, it was always me getting rejected - so there HAD to be something wrong with me. And now I see it differently and I never thought I would. Much of it has been with Anna's help.

@@sar.c5835 wow thank you for this enlightenment! I had childhood neglect trauma and was jealous of my younger sister! I am in really good best friend terms with her for a long time now and my dad and mom has been really showing me love and support! It's just funny how your trauma still projects in your adult life even if you have forgiven and understood why that happened in the past. Now as an adult, I still get that same situation, met this guy, became really good friends, then he met another girl and chose her to be her gf instead of me. We are back as (best) friends now and didn't want me to leave again. So what I'm trying to figure out now is... What part do I need to heal when I have forgiven my dad and sister and I have nurtured my inner child in my meditations? There is something still there that needs to be healed??!

Great example! -Cara@TeamFairy

That's true. I don't watch dramas much for that reason, but I realise that dramas have to be over the top to attract viewers. I don't watch soap opera s anymore.

Realizing Ross and Rachel are kind of representative of a daydream/limerent relationship because of this comment just made me GASP, incredible example!

You are so welcome

Girlllllll yesssss...

Moree so

omg yes. and being trans on top of it....I never know even if someone is the same orientation if they would be attracted to me. its so much easier to live in fantasy

Thanks for bringing that forward.

And the added layer of the trauma of growing up LGBT and being exposed to prejudice… I don’t have cptsd, but I’ve concluded that stigma really crippled my relationship to sexuality :/

Me too… such a missing piece of my self knowledge. I tended not to focus on teasing apart my own needs as a human until late in life. I didn’t think my needs mattered. Not really. Only in relation to my work for others. My real needs that is. Not talking about simple pleasures. Those are easy, I mean deep human stuff. Thanks so much for this ❤️‍🔥🙏🏻

Love that song! -Cara@TeamFairy

That wasn't Cat Stevens? 🤔😲

Bless you to start clean. It took me a couple of years to realize but better later than never.

Agreed. 31 year old female here. Honestly, I had no idea there was a word for this and I'm having a bit of an aha moment lol. I've never liked this trait in myself, and I never, ever talked about it because I feel like it makes me sound "desperate," "clingy," a lot of unflattering sexist tropes. I really appreciated hearing about it from a male perspective, because it just reinforced that it's got nothing to do with gender, or age either.

Thank you so much for the supportive comment! -Cara@TeamFairy

Our journeys are all different but I actually feel the exact opposite. I never felt alone, I assumed everyone loves like this and theres something wrong with me cause I could never be with my object of limerence. That the problem was I needed to improve my pickup lines or my job or I wasnt attractive enough or whatever to impress this girl or that. Now I see I'm actually not normal and it's much more like an addiction. I have a problem and that problem can be traced back to parents who truly never gave a damn. I guess in a way it's very helpful to know others suffer like this but I didnt even know I was suffering. I just thought I was unlucky.

Absolutely!!!! Same here

@@leaf4958 Exactly!!! I only listen to Classical & instrument music ONLY. I am determined to heal.

guess, you guys never go dating.... stop watching romance and find some couple

stop romantice some cartoon figure and meet up new people and ask them for date....

@@Peanuts76hard pass

Thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

Wow I shut things off too but I want to stop!

That’s the dangerous thing about limerence: It sounds dangerously close to the romanticized experience of being in love that we are used to hearing.

Exactly. Any woman would definitely avoid a man with all these red flags, unless she has a lot of big problems herself.

Very good REAL, PRACTICAL considerations!

I fully agree with you. He doesn't have anything to give to a relationship with a woman. If I met him and he was interested in me I would like he has bad intentions and I would run. He doesn't want a relationship. He wants all the benefits of having access to a woman

He has for sure huge mental disorder to neglect two children like this. But that's typical addict behavior. A drug addict parent would neglect children too.

That would be such a great topic! I would suggest also how to build true, real intimacy with someone (as opposed to fantasy)

agree!!

Great idea 💡

I feel the same way. Fantasy is just like escapism ways. My real relationship is so bad, Emotionally unavailable

@@indahmaria1400 I had same thing happen to me . It sucks

Are you still in contact?

His main focus should be on mending not seeking out young women who might feel they have to nurse him back to feeling ok and fill the void from his emotionally distant parents. Also him being out of the home that much sadly sounds like he is repeating what he grew up hurting from, having to run a household and at all times have either of his kids in the home would mean he is missing out on how to guide his own kids emotionally. It’s so interesting yet sad how people know what hurt them during their upbringing but somehow end up repeating it with their own kids, as if they have some need to do it themselves to understand how the parent might have reasoned for doing it to them. Either way, it’s getting old with older men seeking out young women (who in turn often come from broken homes of some sort with neglectful fathers), and expect themto fix them and care for their emotional needs. Can’t it just be that the co-worker was nice and then stay with that instead of seeking out more and express disappointment and to say they acted like they wanted more. It’s such an age old fantasy that women always dream of mending men’s emotional state. I know I’m not alone in having older men hit on me (as a girl) in my teens and also as a young woman during my 20s, what do they truly think will come out of it in a healthy way when they literally are 15-35 years older?!

@@soilgrasswaterair they don’t think. They are in an emotional reaction or sexual reaction.

Old men are just attracted to young women, I think that's all. They just want and fall in love with youthful women.

Old men are always living in delusion

Thank you for being a part of our community here! Nika@TeamFairy

I'm glad you had the self esteem and wherewithal to make that boundary early on. I haven't been so quick but I'm 24 and finally getting it

Me too I'm way past begging anyone for their time and attention buh bye

I recall seeing a video with the word limerence on my youtube homepage. Happened to be going through a tough time. I didn't know what the word meant, but had a strong feeling it was about all the "in-love" episodes I went through younger. Like you, I didn't want to click on the video, because for me I knew I'd be sucked into the topic and a lot would happen. My nervous system was tired. Well, I clicked on it anyway and the rest was ongoing history.

Well said, it’s important to understand that there was a gap hole where affection and love should have been from your parents.

I had a similar experience! I think I was a bit limerent for a man, and he knew that I was interested. He didn’t like me back the same way, but he still flirted with me. I think he just enjoyed the attention.

Powerful example of how bad the subject of limerence can feel , thank you! -Cara@TeamFairy

Glad it helped! -Cara@TeamFairy

I've done these many times over the years. I know it could work for some, and awesome 👍 if so. But it will not work for me. Life have shown me that some times you should just stop trying. If something turns up, wonderful. If not, live with this and just keep going. Holding still won't help you move forward.

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

How do I fix it? 😢

Thank you thank you. I feel the exact same way, and you expressed it perfectly. I had no childhood trauma either

From my perspective I think the balanced stable men aren't necessarily out there seeking partners through deliberate and intentional dating like via apps or websites. You have to meet someone naturally and become friends first to meet normal people I think...

@@MellowJelly I am 38 and really outgoing so have dated in a lot of ways. I've met men in many places had all kinds of relationships with men...including healthy friendships with single and married men. I wasn't necessarily talking about online dating. Online dating was pretty awful though...

I hear you. I'm late 30s, twice divorced both abusive marriages and the last was a very sociopathic narcissist who spent 5 years trying to destroy me via smearing my reputation and trying to take full custody of our children. First was clouded by my mothers sudden shocking death a few days before the wedding and me having to nurse my depressed father for over a year etc. The second just grew to despise me as my career soared and his stalled. Ive been dating on and off for a few years but have quit all dating for the last year. Ive no intention of going back. My honest opinion is that men post 25 years of age, who are both physically attractive to the majority of people (not movie stars, models or Instagram influencer type people) & have the right psychological make up to be devoted, reciprocal partners to a single woman, are less than 1%. More like looking for neutrons in a haystack without any sort of microscope than needles!. Dating apps are statistically the worst places for vulnerable people as modern dating enables highly narcissistic people to run through other people like products on a supermarket checkout without a glance back. Modern themes in dating of ghosting, gaslighting, future faking, manipulating to get sex and then discarding and ghosting is fundamentally frequent and very common. Women who online date and haven't encountered this are either lying or lying to themselves. I too maintain many platonic relationships for 20 plus years with male friends at work, both single and married and you hear what their frustrations are but from the perspective of basically kind and devoted partners (to their partners). Its so tempting to believe that someone really truly wants to get to know you and likes you, when they are complimenting you etc but you always eventually find out they aren't really invested in you as they have so many others they are juggling and you mean nothing to them except a masturbatory release etc. Men will call you hot or pretty to your face all day long but truly are just playing a game for one time sex in order to discard you immediately thereafter. Its impossible to trust men on this medium for me. So many men these days are rotating several women at a time and not telling anyone. The romantic fantasy of someone who likes you as much as you like them and is a kind and decent person with mutual interests and truly desires to reciprocate your love, is for me, higher odds than winning an international lottery. I've come to accept i will never have that romantic secure love but I focus on love on my friends, children and pets. The good thing is the longer I am single, the clearer I am able to articulate what reciprocal love might be or look like instead of constantly twisting myself in knots wondering when I'm going to be discarded. I hope you find your peace 🙏

How to process?

really? i wasnt rejected much as a little kid it wasnt perfect but it was ok but then when i was in high school i was rejected by everyone i got real depressed almost failed high school and family turned on me, i assumed childhood trauma could include teen years

Glad they are helping, almost all the letters coming in are on this topic. -Cara@TeamFairy

Glad it was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

Glad it helped! -Cara@TeamFairy

Because that's how emotionally mature they are.

Not all men. But from what I’ve heard and seen from my guy friends into younger mates - younger people are better trophies, they’re less complicated (less opinions, life experience, relationship experience), have more active sex lives and often times help them hold onto their own fading youth or give them the sense of such. The guys in my circle who do this are usually not the most mature of our group. Usually they’re successful but stunted in their personal growth. They don’t know how to maintain relationships and haven’t had a lot of successful ones, they always feel they need to best or do better than their exes, they compete with their guy friends and usually make poor long term partners due to selfishness, fickleness, are emotionally unavailable, never vulnerable and would rather leave than work anything out. As someone in their mid-30s surrounded by these men, I rather continue panning for the one gold nugget than run with the bulls, even though some of them show interest. Don’t stress about these guys - they’re totally not worth it.

Glad you liked it! -Cara@TeamFairy

I resonate with this. I've experienced limerence since early childhood. This advice from Anna is priceless 🙏

Thank you for this information!! I will definitely check out the book

It's hard but here you are doing the work :) -Cara@TeamFairy

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

They can carry us off like a tidal wave.

He never said or did anything invasive. Men go through these things too and they need safe spaces to talk about it. Don't throw around the word creepy. When women act stalkerish and obsessive it's even glorified and romanticized, and when a man feels valid limerence due to ptsd and is trying to work on it, not to mention he never made a pass at that woman or pressured her, you call him creepy. Not the type of vibe we like in this community

@@MellowJelly I never said he did anything invasive. Please point out where I said that. What I said was he would creep me out. That is what I said. I also said I would be very disinterested. Which I absolutely have the right to be. And most women would be disinterested based on what we ook for in a man. Especially when it comes to children. I'm sorry if no one wants to date you either but I won't be attacked for stating my opinion. I don't care if you like my vibe. Don't read my comments then.

@Chelsea_Yhokoub we do keep in mind that everyone who writes a letter is a real person and, so the "creep" comment would be hurtful.

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy My intentions weren't to be hurtful at all. I will be more aware when making comments if my words could hurt someone. To clarify, I was trying point out how he could possibly (not definitely) be perceived, so that he could be mindful to convey who he is and what his intentions are, in a different way.... just like you're pointing out to me that I'm being hurtful even though that's not my intent. It's uncomfortable to hear but I would rather someone say something, than say nothing. I've had men project fantasy expectations on to me. I personally feel inhuman and uncomfortable when this happens. Thats my point but creepy was definitely the wrong word to use. If the person who wrote in felt hurt by what I said and he sees this, then I'm sorry. I'm certainly not trying to hurt anyone. It's difficult to convey intentions or tone over text. Especially to strangers.

I agree. I am trying to give him some grace, considering that, truly, emotional vulnerability is not a gendered thing. but on the other hand, as a man, he has the responsibility to check his behaviour. it kind of creeped me out, too. and I'm sure the woman felt something to that effect or at least a little uncomfortable, hence the ghosting. considering how men are conditioned to be violent, he should monitor his behaviour more vigilantly and practise being more direct with his feelings so as not to cause misunderstandings.

There is more support available crappychildhoodfairy.com/ Cara@TeamFairy

@Autumn_Jade you're definitely NOT the only one. Letters have come in around this and Anna is considering a special course to address this topic. Stay tuned :) -Cara@TeamFairy

Please do this because I don’t know who the hell told me to become a divorce lawyer with all my issues lol

So many letters on this topic the past few weeks! -Cara@TeamFairy

Absolutely!!! I am thinking the same! I’ve spent my life in therapy and self help and nothing has smashed home more than Anna. It’s embarrassing to think about how I can clearly see now how I have behaved. Not my fault, but now it’s my responsibility to get down to earth. I owe a major amends to my grown kids who watched their mom cycle through one failed relationship after another. The shame I feel is overwhelming right now.

@@michellek2946 Those are normal "wake up" feelings proving you're still human. It DOES improve after waking up.

I'm 63 and in the same boat. Here's to hope 🤞

I was thinking the same thing. I'm 54. I'm friendly, outgoing, considerate, but it's the "closer to home" stuff that worries me. I'm a decent person as long as a certain amount of distance is maintained. I don't know if I'm capable of letting anyone in anymore. Or, if I ever WAS capable. In my younger years it was easy to pass infatuation off as "love" and to think I was connected. I need to think about this and the limerence thing. I'd only heard of it just recently.

Likewise at 57 😎

@@gracelewis6071 I completely understand this.

Good observation! -Cara@TeamFairy