16:38 - 17:32 hit hard. All the rhetoric I've heard about 'being vulnerable' has fallen flat for me because the moment a man asks for help is the moment he's deemed as no longer worthy of help. And in my experience, it's been the worst when I've had no immediate male groups/tribes/communities. Men are not the primary enforcers of this social paradigm.
It reminded me of the movie (and book) The Pursuit of Happyness, when his wife leaves and he loses his apartment and becomes homeless with his young son. He goes to find shelter and they won’t let him in because it’s for women and children only. They offer to let his son stay, but not him. He ends up having to go to a homeless shelter that fills up at 5pm every day, and some days he doesn’t make it in time after work and they have to sleep in a NYC subway bathroom. Expressing vulnerability would’ve gotten him nowhere or worse, had his son taken away. He had to live with the shame of his tireless work not being enough to keep his child and himself off the streets. The only way he even survived was to hide his homelessness and vulnerability from his employer until he finished his internship and got the full-time position. And for every good man who makes it like he did, 100 good men don’t make it. By
I was talking to a female friend about how men just do not have space to show vulnerability. And she said, “I mean, if a man’s mother dies, why shouldn’t he be able to cry?” And I said, “It’s interesting you had to cite the most extreme example possible of a man’s mother dying as the time when it’s okay for him to cry.”
I love how she’s always telling stories of conversations she has with friends. It’s made me realize that I have to be more open to telling people about myself and not just listening to them. I used to not understand why I didn’t have many friends, I think I’m a pretty good listener, but also it’s probably hard for people to open up to me if I don’t open up to them as well. Healing can only come from relationships. That’s what Brene brown has taught me. I’m so grateful for her.
Your use of "I am sorry, I made a mistake" was powerful ... But when you said "I am sorry, I AM a mistake" I broke down and faced a past pain that had never surfaced before. THANK YOU FOR THAT GIFT!
"Shame needs secrecy, silence and judgement to thrive." Makes sense why I always hated secrets in my family. It wasn't the secrets but the shame that's automatically implied.
It's true. I opened up to a girl about some stressors in my life, I had been going out with her for a few months, and I thought we had something. Her response just shut me down. Instead of empathy, or support, I got a disappointed response that showed her disappointment, and difficulty in dealing with a man's vulnerability.
I told my girlfriend of 9 months that’s I was unhappy with my job and feeling depressed a few days ago and I haven’t stopped regretting that I told her. She was very kind and supportive but I know that put a crack in her perceived armor that I wear. I’m supposed to be the one who has my life together, who is happy, who can pick her up when she falls, who can be her rock. I went into our relationship with the expectation to be her protector and a sources of strength and stability in her life. How can I do that when I’m struggling myself.
It is true. We (collectively) expect men to be more than human. It’s unreasonable. It’s unfair. It’s very wrong. All humans have the same basic needs, wants, feelings. Ouch. I’m having guilty memories. Perhaps hero & romance movies and fairytales from childhood + perfect love songs generated such hurtful treatment. Prayer 🆙 that me & other women really “get” this message and mindfully, purposefully replace unrealistic expectations with respect & support for our brothers. And remind each other and teach our daughters. And Male Bashing should be outlawed. Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as we would have others do unto us.
@@ShirleyAnnPetrillo-oj7sc Agreed. If you have never hear of the work of Alison Armstrong I recommend her. She is paving the way for a new dynamic and understanding between the sexes. She is a champion of men but didn't start that way. Her information is really interesting. Maybe not everything will speak to everyone but it is a great start to a new way.
Hi Marc, I was thinking the same thing. Having been married to a Narcissist for 20 years she would point out all of the expectations of a man, that in her eyes I failed in all. This was done by comparing me to men we knew who apparently had those qualities or met those expectations well. Some of the expectations are being a good provider, husband (there’s a lot to that one), a good father (again many expectations), being supportive and encouraging of their wives, being a good caretaker when she or the kids are sick, being able to jump and fulfill her responsibilities, cooking, grocery shopping without calling with questions about what to get if item is not on list or size/quantity is specified, etc. For the record, I humbly say that I succeeded in most of those expectations, not in others, and needed to work on the ones that did not meet my own expectations. Fantastic talk. It made me aware that I allow myself to be very vulnerable. I have struggled with depression, at times severe, and I’m very open and honest about it with the women that I meet. I’m dating, and it becomes obvious which women are not comfortable with a man who allows himself to be vulnerable. Dr. Brown, thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable!
@@u2canmakeadifference603You seem like a genuine source of information. So I wanted to ask you, is the vulnerability stereotype true? That women are somewhat uncomfortable with male vulnerability? And do you think there's some substance to that, instead of them being weirded out because it never happened around them, so they never created an expectation or a model of that in their head. I'm asking because I see a lot of men echo this sentiment but I think they might be biased. It's very hard to find someone who appears as unbiased and and not just hateful or vengeful
First time exposer to Brené Brown and I love her comedic energy in sharing her researched theory. I also see the struggle to be vulnerable a common issue for comedian type characters too. God bless.
I grew up with four older brothers. I have never seen one of them allow themselves to be vulnerable in front of me, except for my oldest brother (who passed from cancer last year). And they used to be incredibly critical of me when I was vulnerable. Your talk has helped me to understand from where their "cruelty" stems. This understanding is giving me the ability to exhale and to truly forgive them. Thank you.
Wow! I love Brené’s TED talks. She is such an inspiration. It was freeing to hear someone say people would rather see a courageous person verses a “perfect” one.
"Dare greatly" - you got it. Thank you for sharing, thank you for your authenticity, thank you for teaching. I am a better person for having watched this. Most grateful.
My daughter shared Brene’s book Atlas of the Heart with me. It’s a “get to the point” book easy to read and understand though it’s the size of a Bible. I’m nearly half way through and have learned so much. I highly recommend.
I was very vulnerable to someone who's not my therapist for the first time. My boyfriend, actually. I've been trying not to spiral & learn that I deserve to be heard.
Empathy is the antidote to almost everything. People are selfish by nature. It takes a lot to step out of your own perception and see the world through someone else's perspective
A strong heart doesn't need to be guarded. Defense mechanisms aren't necessary for stable foundations. Perseverance is not possible for the weak hearted
Having privilege must be nice. Im a straight white guy and im waiting for it to kick in. Im 50 hopefully it happens before i die early from working my whole life keeping the country running so women can stand on a stage and talk sbout how great i have it.
It was men who laid the blueprint- the one who provides has all the power. Women were told to just follow it. When women say, we no longer want to follow. We want to be our own providers, we're told you're too strong and independent, stay in your place and follow the original script.
Ah man . When she said vulnerability isn't weakness I lost it . I'm sorry I'll probably edit later cause I'm crying . Just realized I needed to hear that. Especially now. Thank you ❤️
Vulnerability is weakness to status quo. If your status quo is faulty you'll allow vulnerability to destroy the cacoon of comfort. If you're subconscious is ready for growth.
The bit you provided about how the man said his wife and daughter would rather see him die on his white horse instead of falling off is not an example of weakness, it’s an example of failing. They are not the same. I’m a bit disappointed you simplified men to just one thing. That you think it’s not also a web of unattainable competing expectations makes me feel like you didn’t talk to enough men. It might be a different web, but it’s sad to see the minimization.
The point here was that women often do not understand what it is to allow their men to be vulnerable not that men not being able to be vulnerable is a single issue.
I forgot but I thought you you said you might read your comments so I wanted to write this to you I just saw a movie called a man called Otto That perfectly exemplifies your theories about vulnerability and being present and especially the talk that you gave me about showing up at the forum and being seen so if you see that film then that film embodies Sorry about the misspelling of your name I can’t correct it I talk to text most of Renee Brown’s theories thank you I just wanted to let you know that
Has anyone ever noticed that what people are ashamed of, is based around what the other gender chooses them for? It's when they fail to meet the criteria they feel shame. The "thin, and beautiful" is a stereotype trying to be most attractive to a man. Even if it is a ridiculously 1 dimensional version of it. Same thing with men. Stoic, high status and strong are values women value.
She is way too complicated to me. I know many many many people who do not know what she is talking about. You need a manual to follow her and bing her words into action. Intellectuals are her followers I presume.
