Madame Web - God Tier Garbage 

Morbius walked so that Madame Web could crawl.

My grandma always told me, "I don't care what they tell you in school, but Madame Web was black."

My favorite scene in the movie was when Madame Web logged onto her ICONIC Madame Computer and said “It’s time to surf the web”.

Never seen a character so happy to be blinded and paralyzed

If I were 9 months pregnant,the last place on earth I would go to is the Amazon jungle with venomous snakes, poison frogs, hairy spiders and jaguars. Not a great place to give birth.

My favorite part was when she shouted "oh no, I forgot my damn web!' and then that became her name.

My favorite part about the movie is imagining a bunch of writers in a room high-fiving each other and saying shit like "Once they see this, they'll BEG us to make more Spider-Man movies."

What I really appreciate about the inclusion of the song “Toxic,” is that in an interview, the lead writer said the movie was set in 2003 specifically so the song could be used. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Another scene that was dumb was where Mary was giving birth. The 3 girls could had just stayed in the house with the curtains closed. As long as they stayed in the house and kept out of trouble, they would had been safe.

There should be a 3 pack DVD release of Madame Web, Morbius and The Marvels and title it the "Well, we tried" collection. I'll take 50 copies, please! Lmao

They really did Adam Scott dirty with this role, he deserved a lot more

Little platoon was done dirty 💀

"You can't madame THIS web!" Actual line in the movie.

What else can you expect when it's written by the same writers behind Morbius? I had zero hope for this when I saw who was writing it.

"The superhero genre practically exists for the lolz at this point", oh my god, I hadn't thought about that, it's so true and so sad.

I like how the photographs that would've been taken in the 80's have higher resolution than the movie itself. Cause that makes sense.

First time I've seen a villain get taken out by being P'd on.

"Okay, let's do it, just make peter parker a baby and the comic book nerds will love it" 😂😂

PSA: Opening a car door underwater is easy once the car is filled with water. If you are ever in a drowning vehicle, do not waste energy trying to open the car door before then. instead, stay calm and wait for the car to fill with water. When the car is so full that there is as little air remaining as possible, take a deep breath and only then open the door. Because the pressure inside and outside of the vehicle will be about equal at that point, it is going to open normally as if on land

Dakota is good when she wants to be, and her idgaf press tour was epic nepo girl

I watch Ryan George do a Pitch Meeting on this and producer guy asks writer guy “wait did she cause his death since she slowed him down long enough for the truck to his the ambulance. Lmfao.

Exposition isn't "bad," per se. It depends *entirely* on how that exposition is handled. When exposition is shared between characters who should both already know all of that information, then "Yes," that is bad! However, there are also some very good ways to handle exposition. My 'go-to' has always been a scene in Masada, where the Roman Engineer is explaining to Lucius Flavius Silva (Roman governor of Judea) what they'll need to be able to build a siege tower. It's a brilliantly handled bit o exposition and should be the gold standard, in my opinion. Another good + bad example is at the beginning of Inception. Mal is explaining to Cobb what happens when you get killed in your dream, even though Cobb would already know that. The dialogue is therefore spoken SOLELY for the benefit of the audience and is a horribly handled exposition dump. Later in the movie, however, they pick up a rookie and have to explain to her how things work. Those exposition dumps are appropriate and well handled I hope I've now shown how exposition isn't good OR bad, but that it rather depends on how that exposition is handled and whether the dialogue is narratively necessary or not. In other words, if both characters already know the information, then they shouldn't need to share that information with each other again (such as the horrible exposition dumps ala 'Let's go over the plan one more time...') whereas, if at least one character present is ignorant of the information in question, then it is indeed narratively necessary for that information to be shared (ie - 'Really? So you've never heard the story behind why he's known as _The Spider's Matador??)_

Dakota, Hamill, Cavill, Harison Ford, all respectable actors that showed contempt on something they were excited to be a part off only to be betrayed by the showrunners are commendable for telling or warning the audience that what they're about to watch is absolutely insulting to the characters they wished to play. Dakota is commendable in my eyes because after they got done filming, she fired her agency for giving her that dumpster fire project. Although, I would say that they too probably weren't aware that it was going to be bad. Still, they could've done a few mins of research about the team that made the script. I think Leto is the like the king of getting bad roles. Morbius and the Joker are some that he got wrecked on. A lot of people say it's his acting (simply because they really can't get over the fact that he was a singer first).

"Dakota Johnson is a pretty solid actress" - THAT. That right there is a lie.

Are we certain Neil Breen didn't play a hand in the film's production?🤔

I hope the spiders were worth it, mum.

0:24 Honestly it’s impressive that they’ve bombed THAT many times AND STILL get hired. you’d think that even by accident they’d put a movie that scores over 50%…but no. these guys can’t be serious right? where’s the part where they tell everyone it was a Harvard study that tests the theory of failing upwards in Hollywood? or a guinness world record attempt? idk…I refuse to believe they have ever watched their own movie and said “Yes this is going to be the movie of the year.”

Your impression of Ezekiel was spot on. I laughed in the theater at almost every line he said.

To paraphrase Carl Benjamin: ‘I wouldn’t even hate watch it”

I will admit that Dakota's posture in those interviews would bring the tiniest nod of approval from a US Marine drill instructor. Then he'd order her to drop and do 50 pushups (remember, drill instructors have that programmed into them).

Who tf is dakota johnson related to? How did that cardboard cutout get any work

Also I watched the start of this movie online a while ago but thought the website had uploaded a bad copy because the audio was so off. I had no idea it was actually like that

I thought The Marvels was the absolute worst superhero movie that couldn't be topped in terms of its doodoo quality. But once Madame Web started knocking on our doors, I knew we had some solid competition.

‘The reason we set it in 2002 was so we could use Britney Spears ‘Toxic’. -One of the filmmakers (really)

How do you have Sydney Sweeney in a skintight superhero costume in your film and somehow still end up making it unwatchable?

3:08 this moment is only 2nd to “l Bobby mudda, l Bobby mom”

I think all RU-vidrs need to know you can't go wrong with a well placed Bill Burr clip😅😅😅

People said Mobius was terrible. I saw it for myself and it wasn't that bad. I saw this movie yesterday in my humble opinion Sony should stop making movies. Until they get it all right.

Sony thought morbious was unironnicaly successful so they hired the same person

I watched it and remember thinking that Uncle Ben must have been an expert diver to get her out of that river. Cassie is also in a wreck and almost drowned, likely concussion, but somehow, they allow her to go on call the next day, less than 24 hours. Wouldn't they make it mandatory for her to have a day off or at least get checked by the hospital herself before putting her in the field again? Maybe she has an abusive manager and bad health insurance?

14:02 Are we sure this is a nightmare and not a dream? (You know what I'm talking about)

I already said this at least 40+ times: Dakota ( Johnson) couldn't even name a single Spider-Man movie

if they weren’t gonna do anything with Adam Scott being Ben Parker, they should’ve just let him be Ben Wyatt

16:23 wait…..Emma Roberts is in the movie? Man she kept that quiet! 😂

Your French Accent Guy fucking destroyed me. Also, nice shout out to Little Platoon! 😂 Your best yet, man. Snark Level 99. Thank you!

Never been to a movie where the whole audience laughed but that last scene made everyone cry laughing

Well, I guess we found where the writers of all those awful SyFy "Original Movies" went after they'd successfully destroyed that network. 🤷‍♂️ Edit: Also, who had the camera that took the picture of her mother with the camera? 🤔

Dosen't even qualify as super heroe origin, more like a villain origin

"What have you guys done? Let me see here... Dracula Untold. Hmm. The Last Witch Hunter. Good. Gods of Egypt. That was a banger! Morbius. OMG You're the Morbin' time people! Here's 80 mil. Make me spider-man adjacent blind wheelchair old lady, forget her name."

Love how one of the writers' last name is Sharpless, lmao

What pulled me out of depression was knowing it was someone's full time job to write and produce this movie. Remember, no matter what you're useful yo this world compared to that.

shoeless leather borat is CRAZY LMAOOOO

5:22 that fella looks like Steven Crowder and Hassan Piker did the fusion dance.

It´s impressive how they managed to keep those Sydney´s assets covered during the whole film, lol.

Yo was that the Ultimate Warrior making that "guitar riff" noise? Lmao

23:05 dude missed the chance to quote "the Prometheus school of running away from things"

Great video, hopefully I'll watch this cinema masterpiece soon as it's part of the Morbius Cinematic Universe, the greatest universe of all! But I have one criticism... Toxic did come out in november 2003 cause that's when the album In the Zone was released... the single did come out in 2004, but the track was out for months on the actual album :3

I gotta know what was that clip of the guy voice singing a guitar from? that absolutely killed me

I wanna point this out for others because its an interesting piece of trivia. Ezekiel Sims in the classic 616 universe never had a Spiderman suit. He only ever wore a fly ass suit and just never wore shoes to stick easy. The Ezekiel we see in that suit is an alternate universe version of him, and the suit he's wearing is a homage to "The Last Stand" Spiderman, A Spiderman that our 616 Pete saw as his possible Future where as he got old and slowed down he got more brutal and sad. Its called the last stand because Peter sees his past and present, and sees that if he continues down the road of eternal responsibility....He will stand at his uncles grave, the NYPD will meet him there, they will ask him to please stop the fight, one last time...and he will die there fighting, because he can never give up the responsibility. The story is made even more cutting in that Present day Peter horrified of this future tries to stop the past, only to see himself be gunned down and then the vision ends and he's back to the at the time current world ending war. Its a suit that wordlessly haunted him as a reward for helping a famous superperson costume tailor in one of the best pieces of Spiderman media out there.....And I find it to be a beautifully symbolic and chilling suit. Its my #1 suit in fact.

Worst movie I ever saw was The Avengers, no not the one you're thinking of, not the MCU. I'm talking about Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman. The best part was that I did not know going into it how bad it was and had to re-orient my expectations mid movie but I still walked out laughing. If you're not sure what movie I'm referring to, because it is sort of obscure, just know that Madame Web's rotten tomatoes score was over 3X higher than the score this movie got. Interestingly some of what made The Avengers terrible was in sharp contrast the opposite of what made Madame Web terrible. Instead of telling you exactly and bluntly everything that was going on they only spoke in allusions, inside jokes, and metaphors the entire movie so you had no idea WTF was going on. Also the editing on it was so terrible that there was a part later in the movie that jumps out of nowhere because they had cut all of the stuff that explains it and sets it up but decided to leave this part in anyway in spite of the fact that it had no more significance than the characters traversing from one spot to another. What makes it extraordinary though is that it's completely bizarre inherently and also starkly contrasts to the moods and themes of the movie. If you're a fan of watching terrible movies ironically then check out The Avengers but make sure to not watch the extended edition, try to get the original movie theater cut.

19:50 giant reflection of the crane arm for the camera

Can someone please recommend a movie where Dakota Johnson was actually good? I know her from 50 Shades (where she was bad but it was attributed to the very bad material), Persuasion (which was panned because it was a stupid re-imagining of the original Jane Austen, so her interpretation of the character didn't fit the story), Suspiria (where she was wooden as well but i thought her character was supposed to be and she fit the story well), as well as "The five year engagement" (where she played the minor role of the sex-craved 20-year old who overwhelmed and annoyed jason Segels Character so he would want to go back to emily blunt) and beastly (where she played the very minor role of Alex Pettyfers ex-girlfriend and had like two lines). Which movie was she actually good in? Because i would really like to see what she can do, if she got a script that made her play a person that is alive and human and funny, and spirited and "real" as opposed to the stilted people she played so far. Also, i really like her voice but it never goes out of it's very mellow melodic mid-range (from mezzo-piano to mezzo-forte) almost without emotions (apart from maybe an implied "inside-joke" kind of smirk, for example when she does interviews or mocks her own role in 50Shades).

Finally, a good content creator. I tried so hard to watch Pinely's vid on this but he made a second channel and as usual the content overall takes a hit and it all may as well be on second channel. please upload more i miss u

Congrats to Johnson on making super heroes and BDSM boring and unwatchable. 👏

I've made so many videos on Madame Web, but RU-vid blocks so many of them. This movie is so bad, it's actually fun. And Dakota Johnson deserved so much better. Yes, she's a second generation nepo-baby, but she isn't woke and hasn't once attacked the movie audience for anything, so that already puts her a step above most Hollywood actors these days. She knows this movie is bad and isn't trying hard to hide that from us, so respect given where it's due. She may not be the greatest actress ever, but Dakota Johnson (and even Sydney Sweeney) deserved better than this.

I found out about the Madame web movie from a TikTok edit 😂

17:17 madame web delayed her boss from driving away after her vision of him getting hit by a truck-- so SHE in fact was the reason he was hit! she killed him!

My favorite scene was when she stunningly and bravely declared: *"There is a tempest in me. It swept me to this island for a reason. And it will not be quelled by you, Regent."* So stunning. So brave.

At least they haven't cast Whoopie Goldberg as Blade. Yet.

All the superhero movies now seem to be trying to outdo each other in how awful the story, characters and effects are.

Also I'm surprised u didn't bring up Gregor's arc. I feel like it talked about some of the points about clones and their duty to the Republic. Him choosing to come back and fight for the Republic was a powerful moment for me. Would love to hear ur take

I think I have to educate you on why she stole the Taxi, because the last time I remember she normally ride a taxi and she told him to drive her to her home, the taxi driver told her that he don't know where the fuck her home is.

"How do I shot Web?" -Madame Web's cinematographer.

25-year Hollywood vet here : trust me - if the lead bad/good guy in a movie is named after a Biblical character : THE FILM WILL SUCK. It’s God’s revenge or something…😅

Watched Alteori vid on this right before I watched it for myself. Can safely say the movie is the trailer. That one singular conveniently left out chefs kiss meme IS the movie. God tier writing.

I mean is Sony even trying to make a half way decent film. At least the Jovovich Resident Evil films had a “it’s so bad and silly, it’s actually really good” vibe. At least to me, those movie are just dumb zombie action film and Mila is very charming and charismatic in her role as Alice.

I almost spat out my drink when MJF popped up talking about Joe Frazier😂

Your imitation of Ezekiel, on point bruh. 😂😂

What's the clip at 1:05 from? The "POV I'm explaining a new riff to the band" thing? Fistula uses it as a song intro.

At 17:11, the blood painted on her hands in a straight line is another huge indication of 0 f**ks given. 😅

Man my boy said that WHAMMM!! With his whole chest lol 😂

casting Sydney Sweeney in a movie in which a different character is named Cassie is a bruh moment within this bruh moment of a movie

Actually, opening the door completely submerged is easy to do. However, you risk drowning if you wait until the water pressure equals. This is why they tell you to immediately unfasten your seatbelt roll down the window and get out of the vehicle. if you wait, you have to wait until the interior of the car is filled with water.

In the movies one defence that I can give it while still feeling my soul, at 21:20, she did actually remove the license plates earlier if I remember correctly.

is it me or.... when you know that someone will kill you, running after him doesn't seems to be the smartest thing to do, right?

You bet those background actors looked up that.

Have you ever heard the tale of our slain king, and his beautiful daughter, the princess Lisa? They were in the amazon with my mother, where she was researching spiders right before she died

Madame Web is about family, and that's what's so powerful about it.

The Troll 2 of super hero movies.

Your accent replicating the villains was perfect! I almost thought it was the actual dialogue from the movie. Shoeless leather Borat was funny too.

Just found you recently, freaking LOVE the content. You're making me laugh more than the Drinker can!

Whats wrong with "I hope the spiders were worth it mom"? Seems pretty standard. Shes upset that her mother wasted away her life chasing spiders. Its not a banger line obviously but it gets the job done.

Honestly, I would not be surprised if this movie used AI on the script side of things.

I remember hearing the Director say she wanted the movie to take place in 2003 specifically so they could use the song toxic. Now you're telling me that song wasn't released until 2004? Amazing.

I thought it might just be me. I bought my first comic book in 1960 when the kids in my family received a 25 cent per week allowance and comics were 10 cents. I collected comics through my 20s and this included Spiderman (with very rare appearances of a minor plot character, Madame Web). The grandkids now have my collection. Of all the supporting characters introduced in the Spiderman comics would someone think Madame Web was interesting enough to use as a movie's main character? It's bad enough that these movies are written without creating a character bible, and continually introduce abilities to advance the plot, never to be seen again, and bore us with off-screen events covered by endless exposition. Some of the grandkids were visiting last weekend and I bought Madame Web on Amazon Prime for a movie night. After half an hour we turned the TV off, adjourned to the computer room and played New World.

I’ve only watched the first 3 minutes of this video and I have to subscribe simply because he included that Bad Friends clip of “I want to be Ninja” lmao. He also has made me laugh a solid like 4 times in 3.5 minutes so it’s well earned!

At this point ChatGPT needs an oscar!

How does a spider tribe in the Peruvian Amazon ship this baby back to New York? Just asking How does the news paper in the diner have a story about the kidnapping that just happened minutes before? Just asking dakota Johnson is a nepotism baby that’s all Her father is Ron Johnson her mother is Melanie Griffith and grandmother is Blythe danner

My favorite scene is the whole birth of Peter Parker. I wish someone could record the going to labor scene, the ambulance scene and the birth scene. I think it’s interesting to see Ben Parker being there for Peter’s birth and not Dr. Richard Parker. It fits well with Peter and Ben’s father and son chemistry, don’t you guys think?

Why would anyone responsible for Morbius ever be invited back to make a movie Christ.