Shellina Musa Very true, and my grandmothers aunt had a baby out of wedlock right after she graduated high school, and this was in the 1880’s . She was sent “away” for the summer to “visit relatives” - she got married to the baby’s father - had the baby and moved back to town after another several months, no one was the wiser.
All families have secrets. Now that we live in a more open society, people get angry when secrets are exposed right away. In some cases, people are more understanding and accepting than maybe 20-30 years ago.
Orphanages then were full of illegitimate kids who often didn't survive the orphanage. Babies often wouldn't drink their bottles unless they were held and there were so many babies they just propped the bottle in the crib.and hoped the kid would drink. Many didn't, and died. So there were worse things than a family secret.
Being adopted by family is not always a good thing. My story is long, so I won't share. However it involves physical, mental, and sexual abuse.... by my aunt.
I am milan But if you really think about it a small town and parents forget they talk too much in front of their children and I’m sure those boys was told don’t say a thing.Since they felt they were grown they decided to tell him and in my opinion that’s really messed up because that was not their secret to tell🤔
Miss Dee exactly that’s selfish to me to make your own child believe he was adopted yet raised in the same home I’m glad he’s doing fine ppl n their behavior smh
I was 13 when I found out my sister was my birth mother...this was common practice in the 1950's/60's...and yes SADLY it was ALL ABOUT THE FAMILY NAME!!!
Would you rather have been adopted out? Your mom didn't have a lot of choices. You were lucky to have remained with your bio family. Of course it was about the family name. Girls who got pregnant back then were treated like tramps. They weren't the princesses of daytime TV. They got no sympathy, no help. They were kicked out of school before the other girls could see her and get "dangerous ideas." Unless you lived through that time, you have no freakin' idea. I get really tired of the Maury Povitch generation.
Folks are so dismissive of how he feels. There is no “pity party” or “at least he was raised in love” or “better than foster care” or “playing the victim” when someone is trying to come to grips with living a lie. If you haven’t lived it, you don’t know the impact and to minimize his feelings is just mean.
At least he was raised by his family all in one home. Its not like he was left to be raised bc his mother was a drug addict. Which to me would make him feel worse... knowing drugs are more important raising your own kids. Which i must say as a 18 year old young mother myself if they all only came with instructions included everyone would be happy. Just do the best you can love n nurturing compassion caring and God is what you need.
@@lucihgdt8089 I have two adopted brothers, one from an addict and he has bad dysplasia and the other decided he would moleste me as return for my father paying for my mothers divorce!? After this my mother blamed me for marrying my father in a rush marriage but when I got my birth certificate at 47 years of age, my parents weren't married and there was no ruling saying they had to!? I believe in honesty, just plain tell the truth rather than lying to your children because right now I don't trust anything my family says!? I thank God that I didn't bring another human into this world as from my experience, this is no way to raise children!?
He had a wonderful. They just didn't tell him everything and it was a shock. My twin brother and I are adopted but within my natural fathers family. We knew we were adopted but you learn more as you get older.
I truly think he wouldn’t be as hurt if someone in the family had told him first and not his friends. Can you imagine the shame and humiliation he must have felt to hear about such a secret regarding your identity from your schoolmates? Everyone in his school knew but him.
That's exactly it if his family had told him before his friends did it would have hurt but he wouldn't move past it. But because it was his friends had told him and not his family it's a lot worse. And I really don't think this guy is going to want anything to do with her you know he says it's not good but let's be honest his whole family lied to him but he's more mad at her for basically knowing about it all these years instead of just saying you know what I did when I did I'm sorry can we try to move forward and be a family. And the fact that they didn't speak about this issue again for almost two decades and they rarely speak it tells you a lot that this is something that he doesn't want to talk about and she probably doesn't want to deal with any drama in her life either
I absolutely agree. Funny how once a lie settles in, its easier just to let it lie. Bringing out the truth would change people's view about their family name, and we can't have that. right?
Gratitude is the answer. He had a family that loved him, and took care of the family in the best way they knew at the time. Look at the intentions. They loved him, kept him, provided for him, enveloped him in the family. Give this family grace. Times were different.
My birth mother didn’t tell anyone she had had a baby girl: not her mother, her brother, or even her husband. The shame and secrecy were so harmful and unnecessary. It exacerbated her mental illness and caused a rift with her family. No one understood the pain and loss she had endured. They judged her harshly instead of having compassion for her. I found her when I was 37 and was able to help her get the care she needed.
it's time we stop judging women, forcing them to hide or give up their child because they don't conform to what society says is acceptable. single mothers are still frowned upon, and their children are called "Broken". A broken home is not a home without a father as society wants us to believe. A broken home is where an abusive man interferes with a loving mother raising her children safely. A Mother Is Enough. Stop calling children broken when there are so many who wish they had their mother.
Marleise Rashford exactly I’m 24 and my mom cheated on who I call my dad and she got pregnant by my bio dad in affair and never told me until my older siblings did two years ago worst emotional feelings of my life
@@taay_thegreat2057 I had the same thing as you I found out 10years ago. I suffer in silence it's so hard I don't tell my family hope your feeling better
My mother told me at the age of 7 that the person I thought was my grandmother wasn't and the person I was taught to call cousin was actually my biol grandmother, on top of that, my fake grandmother was upset that my mother didn't pursue the life she wanted for her so she started a tone of lies that turned the family against her "us". Then the person I was to call aunt was actually my great grandmother whom showed me nothing but ill feeling most of my childhood. Then my fake grandmother died and my uncle didn't tell, but I overhead him canceling business meeting due to his aunt passing, then I asked who died he told me my great-aunt. I asked who is that once he said her name, I then asked "my grandmother", he looked at my and said in a hard tone "that's not your grandmother". I felt so bad due to the fact no one knew I knew the family secret, so he didn't care at all. Now here I am 40 years old trying to deal with all this due to the fact the love I had for my mother has turn sour due to her not supporting me as well as keeping me under her control also the pressures she placed upon me she did not do the same to my brothers and they turned out to be nothing in life. Now that my bio-grandmother turning 80 soon she feels i'm supposed to help and be there for her when in fact she was never there for me. As you can tell, this triggered me.
because at this time teenage mothers were either expected to marry or be sent to a home for young mothers and give their babies away once they gave birth. Maybe they framed it this way to avoid societal pressure and judgement. Which is unfortunate, but how things were back then.
This has happened to my stepsister. She's raising her granddaughter as her own. Her actual mother, who pretends to be her sister now is married with 2 other children. Her husband doesn't know his wife has 3 children, not 2. I told my stepsister this is going to blow up within the next 10 years.
Yeah, no. Plus, that's not incest or anything, which is the joke it sounds like you were making. Ever heard of the show Andi Mack on Disney Channel? Same situation.
The same thing happened in my family. My great aunt is one of 12 kids. She became pregnant. She wasn't ready to be a mom so her mother (my great grandmother) decided to take the baby and raise it. He grew up not knowing that his sister was actually his mother. At eighteen he also found out the truth and ran away. He vanished and was never heard from and my grandma was trying to look for her brother, even though he's technically her nephew. He's finally come back and he's trying to find his way to a better life. Unfortunately, when he went back home, he was hoping to see his mom again (his grandmother) but she had passed away. She hoped he would come back and bought some land for him so he could build a house. It was really sad that he couldn't see her again.
That's what I always preach about, running away you expect everyone to be alive when you return, you don't count of them dying while you are on the run!!! Always remember that people can die not only of age but of sicknesses and accidents too!!! Better NOT run away.
@@mrsTraveller64 I don’t blame him though. What they did was wrong. They lied to him all his life. It’s a valid reaction. It’s just unfortunate for there not to really be full closure.
just goes to show holding a grudge hurts everyone especially the one holding it. his response (running away) is understandable but don't let it get in the way of how you live the rest of your life.
@@mrsTraveller64 You're right, and running away doesn't resolve anything. Those memories and issues live in your head. Better to stick around and work them out.
Bonnie Gates yeah this is same thing happen to my father he didn’t find out till he was 20 he has a very tumultuous relationship with his mother now at 69
This is such a sad mindset. Everybody has secrets and things they've done that they aren't proud of, situations that they didn't't know how to handle. Being in this kind of situation isn't an excuse to allow it to damage your soul. We need to do better and teach people that you can't change what has already happened. If you're the type of person to let other people's secrets ruin your life then that's all on you.
@@BuyTheDip627 What a ridiculous thing to say, 15 year olds do have a rational understanding of morals, they're not 12 year olds. Even if you're right you do realise she didn't stay 15 forever right? How does having no understanding of morals cause your child to grow by themselves?
Howard Potts The brain of a person isn't fully developed until he is 21. How can a person without a fully developed brain understand convoluted moral frameworks, and tie it to reality? It is nigh impossible for that to happen. At 15, children can't manage money properly, or even drive, and you are actually positing that they are adept at raising other human being? Lool. Don't let me deride you, please. The truth is this: this lady made an enormous mistake by having a child at 15. If she had waited until she acquired knowledge and wealth, then her child would be better off today, in both pecuniary and non-pecuniary terms.
This isn’t exactly uncommon and I’ve heard this a lot how grandparents raise their children’s children due to face and how they weren’t grown and had life still ahead of them. This isn’t an old generational thing that happens.
I just learned at age 38 that I have a brother that my mother put up for adoption. I only found about it from ancestrydna.com. My mother would have taken the secret to the grave otherwise.
veronica carlson the same situation happened in my family with my Aunt...but it was in the 1960's. Now personally my situation with myself is different than his...i was born in 1975. My mom who is white with Cherokee indian ancestry had an affair with her next door neighbor( a professional wrestler in the 70's the Magnificent Zulu).(lol) who was black...got pregnant with me. She was married to my father who is white passed me off as his. I obviously do not look purely white...but i was always told i was white. My mom's father his half Cherokee and he always said" finally i have a grandchild that looks like me". I live in Georgia and back then even in the 70's it was not acceptable. They always explained why i had a tan complexion was the indian in me...lol. Everyone has curly hair in my family.. so i just accepted it...never questioned it at all...lol. When i was 35 my now stepfather told me i was biracial....half black. Everyone had always known accept for my grandparents...who would not have accepted me. They waited til they passed away to tell me. Although they loved me more than anything! It's hard when everyone you love knows the truth accept you...its a betrayal! You question who you are...and were you ashamed of me? Lol so thats my story...its kind of a bad lifetime movie...lol.
My parents brought up my nephew as our brother! He was 13 yrs old when my parents told him the truth, it did affect him for a while but he loved my parents so much he was fine. He is 49 yrs old now and is such a awesome person he still looks at my sister his mum as his sister they have a great relationship as siblings 😊
Michelle Tana At least your parents told him the truth before he found out on his own, and didn’t believe they could keep the secret forever. I think it takes a certain level of either arrogance or denial to believe the secret can be kept forever. I always tell my kids the truth comes out sooner or later.
@Rob Bwoamn I know a guy who's uncle is actually his father. It was a family secret. His conception was incest. And that happened in a black family. Older brother got younger sister pregnant. The son had no genetic disorder. So, incest can happen in any race.
A close friend lost her “mum” at 12. When T was 13, her sister took her for a walk and said, “you know how mum passed last year etc etc…well she was actually only my mum. She was your grandma. I’m your mum”. Her entire family changed from uncles to brothers and so on. Her mum fell pregnant at 12 and gave birth to T… when she just turned 13. They left their town, went elsewhere for almost a year to hide the truth because of that time, back in the early 60s.
I think in the minds of those who hid the secret it was a common courtesy. Basically, it was and is considered for a child to be born out of wedlock taboo and in a town that’s probably devout at this time it was even more looked down upon. Many people can put two and two together and figure if the daughter goes away for 9 months and the family shares that they have a new adopted child that’s most likely hers. So instead of calling her out or something they probably kept it to themselves as they didn’t want to hurt the family and also it’s the families personal business anyway. This comes from a descendent of almost the same situation as this one where the sister turns out to be the mother of the youngesr brother, the family and town did the same thing but the family thought it would make my ancestor feel differently about his birth and belonging in the family if he learned he was a “accident” and they told him the same thing around the same age as it would just confuse a child to tell them that your sister is actually their mother as we all know the birds and the bees is all ready difficult as it is. This is just my thought on the subject.
I really think it’s one of his relatives. Like it unfortunately sounds like it could be a case of incest. If the whole town already knew, why were they still hiding it from him? Obviously because that wasn’t the real secret.
This happened to my father. He called me to tell me when he was 60, he didn’t find out until he was 18 and was so ashamed he hid it from us for years. He thought that telling us would make us (his kids) feel badly about him. I just told him, No dad it just makes you all the more interesting. I wish he hadn’t had to carry it all those years. There is no shame.
Exactly what I was thinking. Everyone else knowing this family dynamic is more embarrassing/hurtful than a young woman getting knocked up and raising him as her own
I found out that my long lost “cousin” whom I met was I was around seven or eight was actually my birth mom... which in turn meant I was wasn’t actually adopted by my birth parents out of no where. I was given to my Dad (technically my great uncle) and his then girlfriend at the time by my birth mom. Family secrets are definitely common.
I adopted 4 fully biological siblings at 40 as a never married gal. They were 3, 7, 8, 10. Two olders were my girls who told me from day one they had a sister who was raised as their "cousin". They were very, very clear and sure of this. Didn't seem that they were making it up. They asked me to find her. I spoke to several of our social workers who had followed the family's case for years through the courts, who said, Anita -- there is no sister. The girl they're speaking of IS their cousin. Birth parents told us she was not their child. So did other family members. But I believed my girls. I waited until they were in the early teens before I took steps to locate her, after the girls continued to beg me to find her. I was very cautious, as I knew the family secrets likely meant there were reasons why all of this happened. I wanted to protect my kids. My two youngest boys had no idea about this supposed "sister / cousin". To this day -- while I know I would do it all the same -- I regret finding this girl, who it turns out WAS their half sister -- a product of their birth mother's relationship before she met wacko birthdad, who said he would not marry her or stay with her unless she got rid of that kid (who was a baby). Birthmom showed up at her older married sister's house, handed her the baby, and said she would come back for her when they got married and settled. Never did. Everyone kept the secret. "Aunt" / new Momma never legally adopted her -- just pretended she was her baby -- so when birthparents started having babies (my adopted children). When I found their oldest sister, she was a mess. Turned into a disaster.
This same story happened to a cousin of mine. The grandmother died of cancer and his sister called and told him you have a mother still. This was a kid born in the 1980s.
I totally agree with you. As a single, never married 40 year old with no children, I adopted 4 siblings out of foster care -- all fully biological -- so I have a first hand experience with the trauma my kids lived through and carry with them now even in their 20's. When you mess with identity in any way -- there will be consequences and wounds....even when adoption is lovely and a selfless act. My job is to teach them about their preciousness to God and all that He protected them from, and the new life given to them as He called me to take them in as my own. I never forget, however, that they are separate from me and have a totally different core identity than me, despite how bonded I am to two of them particularly.
true, but he also needs to understand they did what they did to protect him just as or more so than the "family name". He could have been given up, abandoned or aborted. He was raised by HIS family. It's a shame he learned of it from friends before his family could tell him and maybe that was the hardest part. So if they didn't keep secret it also could have done a lot of damage. I do hope he heals and they spend the rest of their lives as a family.
There was a lady in RU-vid who adopted her neice. She seemed super sweet and loving. The birth mother had another child but wanted to give up her baby for financial reasons and some other untold reasons. So the other parents are acting as aunt and uncle and the sister not much older is cousin.
I can attest to this, because I learned while younger that my “mom” was actually my great aunt, who adopted me from her niece my biological “mom” who I thought was my cousin at first, she suffers from mental illness so although I still have this hatred or pain not sure which one towards her but I understand more as I’ve got older.
My grandmother’s sister in law did the same thing with my great aunt’s baby. It’s all very confusing but this lady adopted my great aunt’s baby and she was raised with so much love and care. Of course she resented it and felt sadden but she found a loving husband and she now had children and I’m sure many grandchildren by now. Please focus your pain in something positive, God gave you a mother who could take care of you, just think about the life you could’ve had. Hatred and pain will consume your heart, be strong and may God bless you.
identity can be a problematic thing if a person is not sure. I can only guess the amount of psychological pain it presents- being adopted or knowing what you knew is not correct. It introduces a lot of unknown factors like if you got this reality wrong - what else did i thought was correct also wrong. I don't know. I would not wish this type of pain on anyone even my enemy. All the best man. Maybe the best advice I usually give to myself in cases mildly similar to this - I tell myself- maybe it is not about me. Not about me, at all.
Family secrets are the most detrimental.. I have my own 😔 I recognize his pain and he is really having a hard time with the internal connection with his sister/mother and my advice to healing is forgiveness and unconditional love 💝
Secrets unfolding after you "think" you know someone can be very painful. Your relationships are questioned and you wonder what else is untrue? My dad died 45 years ago and we just found out a few years ago of a half sister we did not know about. When I spoke to the mother of this sister she intimated that there "maybe more" but wouldn't go beyond that. I was disappointed in my dad (and had put him up on a pedestal growing up) but it does explain all the vacations he took on his own....God bless my mother when she found out about this other child. She said "well, we will have to invite her over and have a party. It wasn't her fault." And, so we did. My mom just passed, and I miss her. But, I was proud of how she handled the situation so honestly and gracefully.
I was amazed when I heard this story. His sister actually turned out to be his Mother. The shock he must have felt. Also all the secrets that were kept. These days anything is possible.
@@aaronf3622 if I found out this in my life I would be in shock, angry, upset, disappointed and aggravated. So many years passed by and just now coming out. A lot of bad choices were made.
@@barbarabrown9821 seriously? This man is just trying to share his thoughts on the subject and you have to go and bring gender into it? That's not what any of this is about!
i could hear the pain in his voice and see it in his face. . so sorry this happened to you. this really should have been dealt with more care and caution. and if you can get to a place of this not destroying your life then you are one lucky man.
As an adult I learned my older twin brothers had a different father. Family secrets ultimately are not healthy. They will always be my brothers but it hurts knowing my parents kept the secret for so long.
The reason family secrets are not healthy is because they are based on a lie. The truth always comes out sooner or later, but it does not matter in the end because you are still family.
I have 3 younger half brothers. Twins and 1. One of the twins came to me when he was about 7 or 8 and asked me why I call my mom mom and not his mom mom. It wasn't a secret but for him to ask I got caught off guard. I told him the truth and he said oh and walked away. One of my mom's sisters found out she didn't have the same dad maybe 11 years ago. She was I want to say early 40s. She took it pretty rough. She was upset with my mom and her other 6 sisters for a few months. I don't remember how she found out but she stopped calling my grandpa her dad. He knew but treated her like his own.
I see your point but at the same time the family was very selfish in their decision to create this big lie because they were worried about appearances. So disgusting what the family did. It was all about themselves and not the child.
S Lee-Choi if it was all about them and not the child then the child would not have felt such great love... his words... I’m not saying the adults were right but he did have a great amount of love and hopefully he can get past his anger..it’s all about forgiveness
Hopeless in Nyc first off you just admitted “ who wouldn’t love a child” basically stating that it wasn’t just about the adults and appearances.. although I’m sure they were scared about the appearance! Many people don’t love children they have... he said he was loved and he felt it... I’m sure they were overjoyed to have him in their lives. It’s a shame he can’t reciprocate that for his children’s sake... all he is doing is punishing a family that loved him that didn’t know how do deal with shame... unforgiveness is resting in his lap and he is passing it on...
Hopeless in Nyc I completely agree. They lied to him for 18 years for appearances sake and it’s flat out disgusting. Like they were saying in the video, lies like that can have deep psychological ramifications. You can’t blame him for keeping his distance and taking his time developing a relationship with his mother after that lie. Secrets like that can be hard to come back from.
My X was given away to an aunt as a baby, grew up thinking she was Mom. Brother was actually a cousin. Our relationship ended over 20 years ago and I still can't wrap my head around that, being that I was raised lovingly by two parents. I just cannot imagine the depth and severity of the feelings of deception.
This is crazy. They did their best to raise him and keep him from "The Secret" however they took something from him. For what? Just to protect their NAME. Ridiculous. People don't understand that these lies can destroy these individual's PSYCHE.
yes and the thing is, it's not a secret if the whole town knows! Everyone knew but him. That's a lie, not a secret. What a messed up family more worried about their reputation than the child. And he said it was the early 70s. This is past the sexual revolution and the era of hippies and free love. Teen pregnancy would not have been that big a deal. Not worth creating this lie over
His mom chose life and adoption over abortion. That should be praised not made shameful. Due to this warped way of thinking this guy was robbed of his identity for 18 years.
It's okay that his mom gave her child to her parents to raise; under the condition that he was told the truth by the grandparents or family at an appropriate age. He should not have had to learn of his adoption from friends. This is betrayal from the family.
It’s easy for people to say “ how could they have done that? “ , of course in scoffing and judgmental way. Now that I’m older and wiser, I remember that life is fluid- thoughts change, the culture(s) within societies change, policies and politics change AND all of this determined by the ‘Ethos-the Spirit of the Age”. As it is now and forever will be subsequent generations will judge us too because the present way of thinking will once again change. Don’t be judgmental and try to understand, the families actions were dependent on societal norms at that time. It could have been worst, his mother could have seen sent away to ‘boarding school’ and he adopted outside of the family. While I understand his feeling of betrayal, it is important to evaluate the bigger picture.
Seems like Dennis the older brother loved him especially. So maybe the brother and sister hooked up. Possibly incest. Im sure both parents are relatives
My daughters best friend was in the same situation. When she turned 16 they told her the truth, this was her terrible downfall. She was angry, depressed and her occasional pot smoking turned into as much and as many drugs she could ingest. It was terrible to keep this secret. She has never recovered, she is now 30 and is still lost.
Same boat here. Still lost. She sound like me. Hope we get to move on. Depression is not easy. Drinking is not good but to hide the pain what can u do. It hurts so bad
@@obsina9009 You'll get over it. Trust me. God is our real father. He's there when biological parents let us down. He heals our pain. I can testify to this.
I understand completely as I was born in the 1950's. Times were so much different, people didn't even live together if they weren't married and having an illegitimate child was a huge scandal
@NA Phiri I'm with you. But I will say a plus to being a young adult today is that it's easier to spot "the real ones". Men and women who are dating but refuse to live together today are more likely to be legit about their conviction and not sneaking around to do their business. There's less pressure to be fake.
@@mammamathews I learned of my Dad not being my biological Dad when my Mom told me, she wanted to tell me all growing up but I was chronically ill so she waited till I was better. Turns out my bio Dad wanted nothing to do with me, so my "adoptive" Dad ( the Dad who raised me) chose to instead claim me and put his name on my birth certificate so I would have a Father. My birth certificate shows both my parents as my parents, so had my Mom said nothing, I would have never known. I think somehow I was not surprised when I was told, I always felt different growing up but never knew why. I briefly talked to my bio father who still did not want to talk to me, but honestly its hard to affect someone longterm when My Dad growing up and I had an amazing, close relationship. My Dad loved me so much, even preferring me over him and my Moms biological kids. It was hard to wrap my mind around mostly my half siblings moreso that did not want me to talk about my other side of my family. Turned out I had an additional 5 half siblings on top of the 6 I already had. They felt a bit threatened I am sure. Sadly, my Dad passed away just a few years after I found out...which further cemented in me, that HE not my biological father was my REAL Dad. My biological Dad passed away just a few years back and I felt bad for his kids, but not for me. I had already lost my own Dad so I knew how they felt. I know its normal to feel awful finding out a secret, but really in all honesty. I would not change a thing. I got such a better Dad in the man who raised me. My experience was so good overall, that I went on to have 2 biological kids and chose after my second son to adopt 4 kids. As an adoptee of sorts and an adoptive Mama, I can say its norrnal for me now.
I was in grade school with a girl whose adopted sister was likely the result of my classmate's father's affair. He ran around with a lot of women when was supposedly working late. So, getting at least one of them pregnant didn't come as a huge surprise to anyone privy to his after hours escapades.
@Lisa B. Wow, your story really touched me. Beautiful to reinforce that it's so true that family is not necessarily a biological tie, but it is where there is real love.
@@msr1116 Thats a crazy story. My Dad knew my biological father from town and knew he was not an upstanding person that he took advantage of many women. Sadly, my Mom got into this bad mans his path and how I came to be. My Dad wanted me to have a Father and was hoping this man would never claim me, (which he didn`t) so he could raise me and keep me safe.
I wonder who were named as his Parents on his Birth Certificate. Perhaps he was not having any official record at all and was given the status of an abandoned infant... allowing for adoption as a means to officially be included in his Mom's Family
I was thinking the same thing. If his grandparent's were still kind of young when he was born he could have just thought his parents had him late. He would most likely still look like his family members unless he took after his dad more.
This same story happened to singer Bobby Darin. He didn't know about his family's secret until he was a grown adult. Wynonna Judd was 29 when she found out that a man named Charles Jordan was her biological father. Keeping secrets like these could really mess up a child tremendously.
Wow, that is my dads story. My dad was raised thinking his mom was his sister. And his grandparents were supposedly his parents. He found out. We have never met my dads father and family. I wish we would.
I too was adopted by my Grandparents but my family never hid the fact that my older sister was the woman who gave birth to me. I cant imagine how not knowing and finding out later would be like. My Sister recently passed away and I'm thankful that I always knew who she was and that there was nothing (no secrets) to ruin the relationship we had.
DNA testing on my mom’s side allowed her to be United with a 1st cousin she had no idea existed. He grew up without knowing who his father was. His mother passed and he had no family…but when he did DNA testing, he gained a whole huge family that accepted him with open arms. ♥️
I'm so Glad my parents ALWAYS told me the truth. They got married when I was five. I ALWAYS knew my Dad wasn't my father. I don't remember a time without him. They could of lied but NEVER did. So Greatful for that.And Daddy NEVER said anything but She's My daughter.
Because the sperm donor didnt wanna step up...kept sayin "not mines, not my problem" and refused to see me anymore...my child was raised thinking my 2nd husband was her Daddy and that was just that. I watched my younger cousin fight with the fact that his sperm donor didnt want him and wanted nothing to do with him (but wanted and faught for his sister)...I saw it tear that poor boy up from a young age and refused to see my child go thru the same thing. So no we didnt tell her. We started dating when she was 7months old. He is the Daddy she knew and could count on day in and day out. His family accepted her and loved her from day 1. Late teens she was told and all she said was..."I dont want to know him or find him...I dont care if I have sibs or not. I have a family that loves me. Fyi. I was 18 and pregnant and divorced when the decision was made. I left and moved 120+ miles away and do not regret it one bit. I have raised a 30yr old, well adjusted, self confident, independent and successful young woman who never asked herself why her father didnt want her or why he didnt love her. She had/has a very happy life thanks to the sperm donor walking away.
@@obitouchiha4739 I agree But have mingled with people who adopt and one condition is that some sign documents with the parent to never reveal herself or disclose in any manner that they're the biological parent bc they claim if the child understands the foster parents early he/she starts disrespecting them in persuit of her family which gave them away. I did witness a man who murdered his foster mum out of bitterness. The spirit of rejection is so deep.
A cousin of mine was adopted and everyone knew except her. Everyone in my parents generation knew and it trickled down to my generation of kids, who maintained the secret. She found out last year and was completely devastated
I think it's the worst when everyone knows but the person. If you're keeping a secret, don't tell the entire family. When that person finds out that everyone knew, it adds to the trauma.
2020 vision Good question. I wonder if her mom and dad hung it over her head to behave like she was his sister. She probably spent her whole life squelching any motherly feelings and behaviors out of fear.
In big families, older siblings help raise younger ones. My father was born in the 50's and saw his oldest sister more like mom. This isn't abnormal in large Catholic families. So probably his "sister" did mother him to a degree. But if the parents made clear that's not her role, that's not the role she would have taken. Just depends.
Disowning in Philemina the movie. True epidemic proportions. Instead of sterilization of the men. They need one thing self satisfaction, how weak can one be?!
@@onthehill3381 sure was the stigma as the rich have over the poor families. The responsibility of having order over self satisfaction to hide in shame 😠😡
When I was a junior or senior in high school, I was involved in after school drama and a sophomore that I was friendly with told me about how his older sister was really his mother and his "mother" was really his grandmother. It blew my mind. It's such a dysfunctional way to run a family, but to the people involved, it feel better than the alternative. My own parents got married because my mom found out she was pregnant with me but divorced when I was 7. I'm glad that we are starting to get away from that kind of social pressure.
A shock for sure but he was raised in a loving family. So adjust and be grateful that you were raised with your own family and a loving environment. I don't think the decision to keep the baby was out of concern for reputation. They waited until he could assimilate and accept what the truth was. The parents were the mature ones raising him and making the decisions for him. My son got his girlfriend pregnant last year. Neither could raise the baby even though they are adults. My daughter took the baby home from the hospital. I come over and babysit my granddaughter while my daughter works. I do this Monday thru Friday and then work 12 hour shifts on the weekends. My other grown daughter and I help with expenses. My daughter who took the baby also has a daughter in college who is very involved. The daughter who has custody has also spent a lot of her paychecks taking care of her new baby daughter. The biological mother gave up her rights as did my son. Even though my son sees her occassionally and wants to be involved at times with just seeing her once in awhile, the custody was given to his sister. He provides no financial help. The baby calls her mama and she will not be told any truth until she is old enough to understand. The baby is happy, very much loved and her needs are well provided for by four women who love her very much. We kept her in our family. We love her very much. When she is old enough, she will be told non-judgemental truth about how she came to be raised by her biological aunt who she knows as Mama. Her childhood development should be a strong bond with Mama who TRULY is her Mama. Anyone can have a baby. Love is commitment and 24/7 care. Our little girl has a very happy and loving home with four committed women and three of us who come over and do whatever is necessary for all her needs. She will understand that her biological parents just could not be parents. Mother or Father are not just people who brought a baby into the world. Mama is the one who takes care of a child 24/7 and can make mature decisions and be there all the time. So please get over your shock and be grateful!!!! Quit your self-pity and be thankful that you were kept in your own family!!!!
@@rebeccacastro2525 I've lived this story and discovering the truth was considerably more than "just a shock". Although you seem well intentioned, you will never understand the devastating consequences such deceit can have on a person's social, physical, emotional and psychological well-being. I won't bore you with my story, but I will encourage you to research the possible consequences of withholding such information from a child and not to make blanket statements like, "he should be grateful that he was raised by a loving family". Seen another way, what that equates to is love = lies. And, believe me, that can take decades to unravel.
Totally understand back in those days, having a child without a father was seen as the outcast therefore the parents kept a secret in order to have their daughter being label bad. This certainly wasn’t the way to go but again back then was right for them
But they don't consider what this will do to the child when he eventually finds out. I know it was common back then and why they did it, but it just isn't right.
I strongly believe what his Mom (aka sister) & Grandparents did they did out of LOVE. They could have allowed him to be adopted which was common back then. Glad he found out and has the chance to work things out with his Mom. Keep in mind, She wont be around forever, but regrets can last forever, so open your heart and enjoy her while she's here. You can't get too much Love❣️
Even though lies are never a good thing, but I completely agree. At least he had the love of his entire family, his REAL family, around him his whole life. They could have given him up and his feelings would now be he had been abandoned. At least he didn't find out his sister is his mother and his father (grandfather) is REALLY his father. I think he should forgive her. She suffered the burden of that secret, also. It was obviously the idea of his grandparents.
@@holylandfan3275 it's easy for anyone on the outside looking in to say he should forgive her but until we can fully understand the impact of a lie and deception at the hands of those who claim to love, we have no idea what this means to be on the receiving end of a lie.
@@holylandfan3275 The mother may have not wanted him that's why they are having hard time now. I would like to know how their sister brother relationship was. She may been estranged from them while. Lots of healing to be done here.
Marissa Jones maybe the community thought it was just a rumor? Like town gossip? The kids who told him probably didn’t know for fact, but maybe they told him the talk of the town.
So....it was never really a family secret, since the town folks knew! Didn't make much difference about their good name in the end, cause it looks like nobody cared, but them.
@@bibble4135 They knew, because one of their own kids told outsiders somewhere down the line. I get the feeling he's never going to be really close to her even knowing, because she was never his mother, but just an older sister...
Actually families of 8 often took in relatives children if they fell on hard times! Back in the 50's, 60's and 70's many families took in cousins or girls went to live with their aunts! It did not cost that much to feed one more and there were always hand me downs! Family helped out family then, unlike now when people are selfish! We are getting back to that again, thank God! I am 60 and have health problems and I live with my son and daughter in law and just a few years ago that was unheard of, but people are getting back to the family unit again and that is a good sign that we are no longer throwing away our elderly and family members! My faith in humanity is being restored as families are pulling together again! We all pull together as a family and try to be there for all family members! They at least kept the boy in the family and provided for him! Nothing wrong in that! If they put him in the dumpster he would have whined about that too! He should be happy they loved him enough to keep him in the family and raised him well!
This isn't Maury Povich, dear. This was about a young woman in a different era with different morals than the alley cats of today. At least they kept the baby in the family and did not adopt out. They were all taking a risk in such a judgmental time...well, it appears the judgement still hasn't stopped. I hope the man stops punishing his Mom before its too late. Back then, a girl who wanted to keep her baby had very few choices.
Ok, I understand keeping him in the family this way rather than adopting him out, but TELL HIM THE TRUTH as soon as old enough to understand! People don't realize how messing with someone's identity messes with them psychologically.
This is really interesting to hear about , my family had a similar situation but it was never kept a secret. My mother got pregnant at a very young age before she was prepared to raise a child so my grandparents stepped in and ultimately took the parental role of my half-brother. He was made aware of the situation early on because they never wanted him to feel any betrayal or question everything.
Its easy to criticize his family for their decision 40 years later, however the social pressures people lived under at that time was very different. If he grew up as the son of an unwed teenage mother in that environment back then, he would have lived in scandal everyday. That would have done much more damage. We cannot judge the past based on the values we live in presently.
Absolutely plus people feel the need today to tell all their buisness on social media.plus when family holds a gruge against a family member they come to social media to act like they never made a mistake in their life.Face it we all make them one time or another.most of us just dont go on social media and post it.
@@melissaa2481 i totally agree. Life is complicated. People make mistakes. How would i feel if someone aired out my mistakes i was ashamed of? Thinking about this helps me let people that damaged me off the hook. I understand now why we shouldnt drag people
My Uncle who recently passed was adopted the same way in the family. My Grandparents raised him as theirs, he had a bit of a hard time with it in his teens when he found out. However, he got over it for the rest of his life he firmly stood his ground. Because he was raised by my Grandparents with Love he recognized them only as his parents. Unfortunately he never accepted his biological mom, who is my Grandparents oldest daughter, as his mom. She didn't pay attention to his birthday or anything so we don't blame him. He lived a good life before passing in 2021 from cancer.
I was a product of a father and daughter. I was given up for adoption in 1969. My birthmom found me when I was 39(2008). I found out at age 40(2009) that my birthfather was my grandfather as well. He passed in 1990. But the truth is life... I'm glad I received the truth even though I don't have a relationship with her anymore.
@@Brwneydgrl69exactly!! Live your life to the fullest potential and believe there's a reason for you being here. But no one needs to tell you this, as you're already a very strong and happy woman. Thank you for sharing your very personal story as it might help many others who're in similar situation .🥀
@@brycewakefield6565 well when the mom gets pregnant at a young age. Her parents take responsibility for the child as if it was their own. Making the mom a sister
Yep, it's happens all time in our culture. Things have changed a lot in modern times but in the old days young mother's where not really allowed to keep their kids it was understood that a child born from an unwed mother belonged to the gradparents.
@Praxy M92 in that case (and even in the case of a 16-18 year old girl) it makes sense for the grandparents to take over a parental role. But just because they have assumed the role of primary care taker does not mean that they should lie about the child's true lineage. Plenty of kids are raised by their grandparents, so why not just teach the child from an early age to refer to you as grandma/grandpa rather than mom/dad. Then, when the kid is old enough to understand the situation, it won't seem like as big of a deal. Obviously in the particular case you referred to the true mother will likely never be able to take on a maternal role. But if the girl is later on in her teenage years when the child is born, and especially if the father has stuck around, they will eventually be able to transition into a primary caretaker role with the grandparents as a strong support.
This happens so often and its so scary! One of my moms oldest friends also found out that her mom was actually her sister. Til this day they don't interact like mother&daughter and her kids don't think of her as their grandmother. This protecting the family names has to stop, the value of the name ceases to exist when you hurt the family
We had and still have a huge secret in our family. One that crushed my brother. There are 4 of us kids all from the same Dad and Mom. I'm the oldest and the next is my brother 2 yrs younger. 8yrs ago he had a DNA test and found out our father is not his father. He secretly asked another brother to provide his saliva sample and along with his they sent it to be tested. Came back they do not have the same father. He was crushed. But he said he always knew deep down. He is 6'3. None of the other boys are tall. Brown eyes, all of us have blue.... just alot of things made him suspicious. The worst part of the story is finding out who is biological dad is. I'm not going to give the man's name but if you were to Google his name, you would find out that he's not a nice guy. He's in prison right now for life. He went to high-school with my parents. Obviously my mother cheated on my father with this man. My brother confronted my father who swears he never knew. He's never confronted our Mother. Our mom has severe mental issues and my brother decided that telling her would not go well. He's right. We wonder if the mental issues, in part,, are from holding this secret for 56yrs. My brother has had a hard time dealing with all this. He doesn't speak to our dad and hasn't for 3yrs. He thinks my dad knew even tho he says he didn't. Alot of family members knew this secret and he also doesn't speak to them. It's caused a huge rift in our family. My mother is the only one that doesn't know we know. Family secrets are devastating!!
why does everyone think it's about protecting the "family name"? if so, why not give him up, abort the child and say he never happened? even today, society calls a child is from a broken home if they are raised by a single mother. No, the child is not broken. It's society that is BROKEN! Many decades ago unwed women were tricked into abandoning their infants because the Church said they are not deserving of their child. then their child was killed. If women/mothers were allowed and supported in their decision to keep and raise their child, without judgment and without their child being harmed by society.... there wouldn't be this need for secrecy.
@@bdlimea7018 that’s really sad that your dad also was a victim of your mom’s infidelity but he is being blamed for the situation and your brother can’t even confront your mom because of her mental instability. Does she still have no idea he knows the truth or she just hasn’t been confronted about it by your brother? I feel very sad for him, I am sure he’s lashing out at your dad because he knows he isn’t able to with your mom. That’s got to be rough. Nothing like this has happened in my family to my knowledge but I can sympathize with having a mom with mental illness that I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be mad at or show any feelings of frustration because of her instability. She’s a lot better now but it was bad for a while when I was a kid. I hope you all can heal as much as possible from this painful situation.
@@bdlimea7018 How could your mom not know they know? Doesn't she wonder what caused an obvious rift within the family. And with multiple members at that? She CAN'T be that oblivious. . .
That is the norm back in Ireland Philemena had to stay in nunnery convent to give up baby she wanted, instead of shot gun weddings the hillbillies way of correcting wrongs. Cowards sperm stickler again runs away of too young to support a teen Mom. Welfare and punished by girls father not to have to pay for another mouth to fed. The poor Catholics the father's of these young mother's had no jobs but to release there sperm. So the girl gets punished and never goes home again.
My friend found out when he was sixteen that his sister was actually his mother when he overheard the argument between his sister and parents (Grandparents). Ironically, they were from Kansas as well??
My mothers cousin also found out his sister was actually his mother! Also in kansas! Sadly he didnt learn about it until after his adoptive parents passed. What is it with kansas 🤔
@@abbsartistry oh wow! In my case I was forced to give up my daughter to my cousin's mom's family..I think his cousin on his mom's side... Either way his mom's family because im on his dad's side
Listen, even if it was done out of love, in the long run, it ruins the child with insecurities, abandonment... i can relate & it sucks everyone expects me to just move on.
@@liyasolo9146 don't u have state sponsored social services in your city. This is really sad, be strong and pray to God for peace and emotional stability
@Piatequila tht is so insensitive, u can't be telling him, "its either he picks himself up or he can cry the rest of his life". Tht is insensitive, the guy is still hurting, he needs kind words
Same situation with my father. When he was 18 he found out who he thought was his sister was actually his mother and the people he thought were his parents were actually his grandparents. His other sister and brother were actually his aunt and uncle. He was born in 1934. His mother got pregnant and was unwed. Such shame and embarrassment for the family back then in those days. His mother took the secret of the father's identity to her grave though.
Kinda a similar story. My grandmother was a widowed in 1924 and left with 3 sons. In 1935 she gave birth to my dad out of wedlock. He wasn’t adopted out but he never knew who his dad was. I don’t think it bothered him that bad. But now I’m trying to figure out who my grandfather was. I just want to know where I can from. Does it matter? Yes and no. My dad’s birth certificate says the dad was 40 and a painter. But the name says: unable to ascertain. I may have it narrowed down some with DNA but the person I think who it might be, didn’t have other children so I’m not sure how to finish figuring it out. My grandmother had told my mom a last name back in the early 60s. Whether I’ve found the right person or not (he passed before I was born) I have met some great new cousins! And a little side note; My mother was also born out of wedlock in 1940. But it was common knowledge who her dad was even tho he’s not on the birth certificate. And DNA has confirmed that. I did meet him a few times over the years but not as my grandfather and I was too young at the time to understand how one day that would important to me.
@@ritadyer9295 It would be nice to know right? To solve the mystery. I too am trying to figure out my family tree through DNA but not much shows up for my father's side of the family. Good luck with your search.
I’ll never understand these women who won’t tell who the fathers of their kids are. I mean I guess if it was dangerous or something I could understand but it’s such a hurtful thing to keep from your kid. Why do that to them? Like sorry you feel shame or whatever but it’s not about you anymore when you decide to have kids.
@@batacumba yes, I agree with you. I think it is sad my father never knew the truth of where he came from. When I asked my grandmother myself, she just told me it was a long time ago and that my father was the biggest mistake of her life. She ended up rejecting him and us (her grandchildren). Very hurtful.
Ill never get this. I was adopted to my grandparents and found out my sister was my mother when I was 8. My mother always told me I was adopted and she knew my mother but she wanted to wait to tell me who she was until I was old enough. My mother never lied to me and I adjusted well because I didn’t feel like there was something wrong with me because of being lied to.
My parents raised my son but he always knew I was his Mom. Now he is 54 and I am 75 and our parents have passed away. We took care of both of them in their home and they both died here at home. We were very close.
When I was in second grade, my best friend told me that her brother who is only 10 months older than her was actually her nephew. Her oldest sister was his birth mother. It was a Mormon family and this was just how it was handled in the late 70s in the religion. He was in the same grade as us and all through growing up I knew but he didn’t. It never occurred to me to tell him (even as a child) because I knew it wasn’t my place. He found out when he was 18 but I have to wonder how many others in our class knew but never said. The guy in the video did say that it was an open secret around town so maybe that’s how his friends knew.
