Managing Boundaries with Narcissists - Part 2 

The videos I make are requested by you the viewer. Please feel free to suggest any mental health related topics you might like me to cover in the future. The contents of this video are only meant as ideas to consider, not as a substitute for support from a mental health professional.

I was married to a narcissist. She took away my dignity and made me question my worth. Got to the point that I hated myself. I'm in the process of getting myself back. I just want to be happy.

I have found the best way to deal with narcissists is to have good self esteem. It took me a long time to learn this. I couldn't have good boundaries until this happened but I did try to fake it until I made it. When you realize that you are perfect the way you are and deserving of love this is the foundation to build on. No one gets to treat me like crap anymore, I deserve healthy, loving and kind people in my life! Another helpful skill that will keep you out of their clutches is the ability to self-validate. Hard won lessons for me.

Narcissists don’t honor boundaries no matter what you try. Just get out!!! Your sanity is worth it!

I am divorcing a narcissist. This channel has saved me. Every time I watch one of your videos, I think "YES! SHE DOES THAT, TOO!"

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. Warning to anyone in a relationship with a narc...the more relationship bonds you form (marriage, house, & kids) the worse they will become.

I use a lot a tactic: “it doesn’t matter” when the narcissist blames or tries to shame me by antagonising: e.g “you are weak and I am strong” I just stay calm, recognising that he wants a reaction and reply “all right, but it doesn’t matter” or “why does it matter?” And then let them do the work….

@Darren F Magee The Looney Toons reference was hilarious! 😆 The part about them studying you so they know what buttons to push is SO true!! Especially never ever let them know about any insecurities you have. Just think of them as a loaded gun and telling them your insecurities is like handing them a bullet with your name on it.

You are a god send! I can't tell you how grateful I am that I found you. So spot on, I might finally find my way out!

My 40 year old son is a narcissist. No matter what We say or do, backfires. He’s like a ticking bomb. He’s always right and We are always wrong. I’ve stopped speaking to him bc I can’t stand being around him. He pushes and pushes. He tells me awful things and then says he loves me from both sides of his mouth.

A long time ago now, I made an important decision, which seems still very relevant in the context here. Stop giving them a vote in decisions about how you see yourself. I still kick myself about how long it took to stop taking the bait and trying to explain myself, which I would do even in full knowledge that there was no intention whatsoever to listen to the explanation. The point of the baiting for explanations was just a puerile power game in which any explanation was always going to be dismissed and ignored anyway to give the narcissistic abuser a sense of power and superiority. Once I consciously decided that how I see myself is not a committee decision, not explaining became easier and then just the default. I hope that might help someone else a little too.

Darren, you are a kind person and your intelligent insight and helpfulness is needed and appreciated. Many thanks from Arizona.

Yesterday I had a huge argument with my sister (2 sisters and 1 brother are narcs). I am +10.000 miles away from their houses. I called her manipulative toxic 👿 bitch and to leave me alone , she's been sucking my good energy since we were young (we are in our 40's). Yes I was rude but my sanity come first I had enough if them and I deserve to live my life in peace and enjoy it with happiness. I will not allow my family to destroy my mental health anymore period 💪

Great coverage over the hard things to name. It is best to have accepted the fact these people can't love...Accept the loss of the person you thought they were. It is easier to be detached and protect yourself.

Exactly what this Jezebel assistant pastor's wife does. Even when I said, "No" to her demands for my money or demands to do things for her, she ramped it up & said I was rebellious to her & to not question or disobey her. I kept quiet & RAN AWAY from that church.

This series is an epiphany. Concise, unbiased..... real. Thank you ever so much Darren. For people who don't have access to doctors, mental health services, your videos are a blessing. I have alot of challenges ahead. These videos have helped put a direction & destination in view, instead of running around in ever decreasing circles. I appreciate your work very much. I wish you every success with your channel. 👍

That is brilliant. Stop being ambiguos. Not telling them what to do. Boundaries for vulnerable narcisist.

Darren I cannot express how grateful I am for your guidance. Using this everyday until I get out. Thank you x

One way to stay safe, I would suggest, is to know when to walk away. Never react based on your own emotions. Edited to add- during an interaction with the narc

Thank you for this. You understand this like an expert, and explain it in a way anyone can understand. And your compassion comes through in what you’re saying.

Thank you very much sir. I very much appreciate the perspective of an expert who really understands what narcissism is, and how survivors can learn to better deal with it. Glad to have found your channel!

Keep your identity when dealing with manipulative, selfish, self centered narcissists. Always be independent. Don't ask for money, transportation, favors,and dont invade their space. Don't complain or stress them out. If u do, they will block your phone.

Thanks for these vids. I’m divorcing a narcissistic husband and what you say is very useful to understand his behaviour and know what to do until I’m able to completely leave him in the past. I lost my mother when I was 16 and me and my 2 younger sisters were left at the mercy of our narcissistic father. It was a family without love. It’s very hard to defend yourself from that when you’re so young, but what the three of us did was leave home as soon as we were old enough. My youngest sister turned out to be quite the same but, as she moved abroad in her early 20s, we haven’t had to put up with her except once in a while. I completely barred her from my life long ago. So these two cases didn’t help me much to understand narcissists, and that's how I ended up marrying another one. I didn't notice he was one. He certainly didn’t look like one at first or during the first decade, because we both have the same profession but, as he is older, I suppose he had a sense of superiority over me because he was ahead of me for some time. Until he wasn’t: I got a better position than his and hell broke loose, in a narcissist’s way. Not physically violent, but I was always guilty of everything. He didn’t want to collaborate in the house chores, so gradually I stopped doing his part. He had to cook for himself, wash his own clothes and, in general, take care of himself in response to his insistence on me having a full time job but playing the housewife anyway. We stopped going out, travelling together and doing anything enjoyable because he always found a way to spoil all that. I remember telling him things like “Going to Paris together? What for? So that you throw a tantrum at the door of Notre Dame because you don’t want to go in?” He was always accusing me of not respecting his closet space, so one day he came home and there was a new wardrobe in the bedroom, just for me. That made him feel ashamed for a couple of days, but then he found other strategies. I moved out of our bedroom. He took care that sex stopped being enjoyable for me, so I stopped wanting to have it. And so on, endlessly. And nothing stopped him. He's always treated his son the same way, and his son puts up with it because they live in different cities and only see each other now and then. He has a better relationship with me than with his own father! Now, in retrospect, I don’t know why I put up with this for about 7 years, but I think it’s because of growing up without love since my mom was gone. He wasn’t able to control me, but someone coming from a healthy family environment would have left much earlier. I just wanted to be loved and I stayed in the hope that he would prefer to have a good life with me. I had to learn to understand the situation. Now he’s old and he lives alone. It’s what he deserves, he built his own misery. So I’m saying all this for others to learn from my experience: don’t put up with this like I did, there’s nothing to be gained from trying to make them reason. Don’t lose your time, just go away!!! And have a nice life, everyone!

It's one thing to be on the lookout for narcissists when setting boundaries. It's another to be on the lookout for useful idiots (aka flying monkeys) when setting boundaries. Narcissists can be predictable if you know them well while flying monkeys can be dangerous and insidious

Thank you for these direct instructions. I get lost in confusion at times. My husband is not a person I would re-marry. He is in assisted living after years of multiple medical problems/surgeries, etc. I've been his caretaker for years, but now he needs 24/7. He insists he can manage on his own and becomes indignant about it. I work full time. That is impossible to consider and even if he could come home, I cringe at the thought. All the lights came on since he left. I can breathe.

In the process of distancing myself from a narcissistic family, every time I watch one of your videos they bring back some bad memories. This has really helped give more insight to issues surrounding my family's interaction with each other. Thanks for what you do.

Reactions, either against OR for them, is most of what they want. ANY reaction keeps you in their games. Keeps you sucked into their games.

Thank you so much for these important reminders! I will be on alert so I’m not blindsided by their next unexpected jab! I think for sometime I got so accustomed to trying to explain away their behavior instead of seeing it for what it really is. These videos help remind me that it’s going to keep happening and I can be prepared to deal with it in a healthy way.

At 73 years old, I am still trying to find a place to be in my highly dysfunctional family. My first memory is fear of my older brother and sister. My sister was Mommie Dearest mean. Only told this to one other person: she beat me with a wire hanger when my parents were out and she had friends over. I was crawling down the hallway, just trying to get to my room. She kept at it until one of the boys told her, "That's enough." A total stranger had more empathy for me than my own sister. I still can't stop her, but I sure am going to try. I have been "the little servant girl" for so long I am depressed and feel worthless. I only hear from her when she wants something. Thank you for these videos. I'm glad I found you!

yep, my covert mother is constantly "heavily ill" since my 5 actually and literally dying so I have to do all the chores at home she believes. She started using me that way at my 10 but I quickly realized what mummy`s "illness" was really about

"Stop doing their work for them"- Yes, sir.

If you name the behavior .. sometimes this can be used against you as a reaction . They will just do it more. In this case, I imagine it’s just best to remain silent.

Excellent how you explain that they learn a new trick when you are vulnerable.

Thank you for this series on boundaries. My father believes he owns his three children and that we owe him because he gave us life. We are not young, in our mid fifties and sixties. Our mum passed away last year since then he has made our lives a living hell. In fact he is alienating all three of us. Which brings with it guilt on top of our grief for our mum something he does not acknowledge. Everything is about his grief.

I currently live Ireland.. When I first moved her, I had a private driver( because I hate driving) he I was everything you described. He was continuously pushing boundaries.. and pushing “shock” conversation or comments..usually sexual , or blanket statements about my physical stature. I’m reserved, mild mannered..until I’m not. One day he felt it would be a good idea to grope my left breast.. as ai was unloading groceries. I forgot his age, and physically put him in. His place, as he was pulling himself off the ground.. I promise to personally deliver him to his God. These kind of people don’t care about boundaries! It’s a challenge! The older they are, the worse it is!

Most of your videos spell things out exactly the way occurred or felt at the time. Thank you

This is very good instruction, thank you. I like that it is specific enough without drowning in details.

Another really useful and easily understood video. What I have been struggling with is the “but how do I respond/reply/act to a narcissist?” as my boundaries are non-existent. So to have your examples of lines really helps me understand what is required and I can then learn from that. Thank you Darren.

Thank you for brilliant advice Darren.

My new female colleague definitely has a repitiore of tactics; however, because I have educated myself and continue to do so, her variety of approaches were as clear as day. I eventually set my boundaries and now she's in the silent treatment mode, which is, as you expressed, is just another tactic.

Brilliant! Clear boundaries that are unforced with consequences. Say what happens when the boundary is breached. Stay firm. They may never change, but we learn to be strong

This set of videos is invaluable. I wish I had known these things before. You probably know how spot on you are on their behaviors and tactics but you have no idea how much you’ve helped me. Thanking you is not enough when you’ve changed a life like you’ve just changed mine. Information is power.

Loved this video, very helpful information! Also, my inner child enjoyed the reference to Wile E. Coyote and wishes she could go back to those Saturday mornings when watching Looney Toons was the agenda for the day 😁

In response to their problem, “Oh no, what are you going to do?” Thanks Andy Stanley. I also like “You know, I don’t think I am going to let you blame me today.” Deny them “significance.” This comes from ego state theory. Significance is the ultimate type of supply.

Thank you so very much!!!

Thank you. I began to set my boundaries in writing via email. I refused to respond to the immediate intrusion and emotional blackmail. Subsequently the person proceeded with all the tactics you have described. I'm very pleased to say that I stayed factual and rebutted all attempts. Now to keep strong. Luckily it's a friend not an intimate one.

I'm Dealing with an 82 yr old Narc. I'm Asserting Boundaries w/ Her. She's Been Told Before NOT to Do Certain Things. She Never Learns, Changes, Nor Apologizes w/ an I'm Sorry. She Hides & Breaks My Things. I've Been Trying Something Different Lately-- I Call it Shut-R-Down. 😂 I See Her Approaching Me from Behind thru a Strategically Placed 2 inch Concave Mirror on My Desk. She Loves to Interrupt Me When I'm Reading There. When I See Her Just at the Door, I Turn 1/2 Way, No Eye Contact w/ My Hand Up... Then I Say 'I'm Busy Right Now'--Can't Talk I Keep the Control --She Get's Shut Down and Leaves. If She Says I'm Sorry, I Don't Acknowledge it. It's a New Thing She's Never Seen Before. I Found that answering questions w/ another Questions Baffles Her. She Asked Where I Was Going--I Said: Why What's Going on? Is Everything ok? She Said No. Everything is ok. So I Left the Room. My Experience: My Narc. She Would Expect Me to Set Myself on Fire to Keep Her Warm Then Complain and Kick at Me When I'm Almost Burned to Ash Saying : I Knew You'd Burn Up Too Quickly and Leave Me Here Forever, Cold & Alone. Thanks for the Vids.

Thank you.

Your channel is an absolute gold mine. Thank you!

Thank you Darren! I get so much out of your videos.

Very interesting. Was told by a higher level manager to tell the narc supervisor in a meeting discussing a conflic she and i had " when you do X, it makes me feel ...." Now i know that fed right into the narc's plan so she could further push my buttons. Nothing worked out. The higher level manager was human. The narc supervisor was a monster.

Thanks for this great video, Darren. It is true that often they want a reaction, but sometimes, too, it's enough for them to say something they know will trigger some hurt, regardless of whether you react or even respond or not. The aim seems to be to just weaken the other person. I have found this with my mother, who I used to engage in conversations on the phone (Past tense now, I will no longer accept a call from her. I will see her in person maybe once a year, if that). So on the phone, she is very talkative and sometimes would throw a gaslight in the middle of saying something else, and then just pick up the discussion as if nothing had been said. It didn't matter if I responded or not. I thought I was doing the right thing by not responding and just biting my tongue, but it kept happening (not all the time, but every so often), I would feel the hurt of it, not only at the time but for the rest of the day or even week if it was bad enough. Typically then I would block her for a few weeks or months. The last time she did this, I did respond, as calmly as I could I asked her "what are you talking about" and then repeated the question. She then quickly 'forgot' what she'd said which was clearly directed at me and pretended it was herself she was talking about. When I then questioned her again on it, she just laughed in a way like she was happy she got a rise out of me. It was clear enough I'm sure that I was disturbed by it, but this didn't matter. She carried on as if nothing was said. She is 73 now. They don't change.

Thank you so much for your advice, these videos have been invaluable in assisting with a 30 year issue. Please keep the videos coming!

When I had enough, I responded with : You are stupid ! I repeated that until she said: I think, we have to stop talking, and I said: Yes. Now, I have a peace and happiness. Stupid, worked perfectly.

" Name it to tame it" works well. Calling out each covert narcisist trick as it is happening is easier to manage than trying to explain to anyone how the cumulative effect of their bad behaviour is making you crazy.

Thank you for an extremely informative and helpful video. Thanks for expert advice. We should behave with the narcisists the way you have described.

Excellent! Thank you 🎉

Thank you for great advice Darren.

Hey Mr Magee, I like the way you explain, for me having these people in extended Family, Brother's wife and her son for example, are Text book examples of everything you say. I'm away from them now, it makes me Down on myself for putting up with it for 40 years, I can see these types coming a mile away now

Wating for the 3rd...

Such good advice. Thank you.

Thank you. Much appreciated.

Great video!

Thank you so much 💜🙏

Brilliant! So helpful… 👍

Thank you so much.I love listening to your sharings.God bless you.

Stop being ambiguous is really good. A bit like not being subtle is sometimes a requirement. I actually had staff in a business who didn’t seem to get my subtle warnings that things needed to improve. It was almost like the person didn’t want to see the situation. Only after I spelled out that her job was in danger did it dawn on her what I was warning. Incidentally I was accused of being threatening for saying that but hey ho! Thankfully this person is now gone, unfortunately at some cost but gone anyway.

Thank YOU!

I can’t get enough of video’s about boundaries. 🙂

so well said.

This is very helpful information, and the Tardis is comforting.

Thank you so much for this. My covert narc parent is really pushing my buttons and these are great tactics for me to feel in control x

My son's father is a narcissist and we have been broken up for 6 years and it's been a living nightmare. These videos are really helpful, they literally describe every minute of my life with him and every time that we talk about anything. Thank you for these and keep making them!

THANK YOU SO MUCH for helping us to be strong & grow healthy emotionally. God AWESOMELY BLESS you.

Exactly why after my father's comment, I looked at him for about 5 seconds, turned my head, then turned my body, and then walked away. I could see him peripherally looking at me, basically frozen, because I gave no reaction and walked away. The next that I saw him, he was hospitalized. I stay for a few minutes and left. I never saw him again and didn't attend his funeral. Why? Father or not, I had finally concluded that my life, all of my life, was better without him and I hadn't lost anything worth having.

Now that I've seen a couple of seasons of Peaky Blinders, your voice is much more soothing. Thanks for doing these!

Thankyou Darren. Am so grateful for your inceteful information re Narcissism. It was a previous msg snfchouveven mentioned Stovkholm Syndrome. It was like hitting the nail on the head. These attitudes I saw related to 2 specific identities that we had encounter with. They were like intruders messing up so many peoples lives. I really hot a broader perspective on the situations and was able to pass this to members of the family that had been affected by it.

Thank you! You answered my most recent question in dealing with my NPD landlord. I think you're spot on. She even tried to endanger my job which in turn could create a lost tenant. Totally self-destructive & financial suicide to both of us. Absolutely illogical, in fact bordering insane for her to create problems with my job. I think it must've been subconscious on her part

Ty darrin for sharing ur insight very helpful 😁🇨🇦🇨🇦

I did instinctively what you said. He ended his life with max violence you can imagine, and that ruined me

Thank you sir

Amazing advice , I have to deal with a father in law who is undoubtedly Narcissistic, and although I know this and have distanced myself from him , it still is good to go over the basics of what I’m dealing with and how to manage our thankfully rare meetings . You are of course right , he will never validate me or my husband , it should be the thing I remember foremost in our dealings with him .

This one functions perfectly well as a preparation for the very unpleasent realisation behind the stright out diminishing state of mind that's been actual where a narcissist has been able to keep dominating thanks to ones love for the one dominated the most. I probably wouldn't be able to fully explain why more or less unwanted memories (easter time and all) are triggered just by this series, but I do at least realise enough to want to emphasize a form in presentations that shows considerstion on the part of receivers who could be in great need of just the advices given, as where they are needed, perhaps what conserns the establishment of personal boundaries in particular, this tends also to indicate problematic relations elsewhere, at least where little amount of true personal freedom is developed. An honest thank you is at its place, and I pray, if even just adviced already, that we shall all be able to keep our conduct through the easter, even if again expecting to be experiencing inner revolt.

Very good helpful video

I appreciate what you are sharing. I ask God to help me stay strong and to keep me safe. I pray for Holy Angel protection and for wisdom to how handle difficult situations

Just found your channel ❤️ I am working with my ex, and I set a boundary that they stepped over, so the consequence was a team meeting with the rest of my employees. Unfortunately, I do not think they will stop crossing the boundaries I set up, so I am not sure what to do next time - since it is really hurting my confidence each time.

After a very long 5 year separation I have finally decided to just block all contact. I just cannot care anymore. We have older children, who can contact him when they want. I finally am feeling the emotional trauma of it all and if I didn't have faith I'd probably have lost mind. It is no joke. But thank God I am free

If you want me give suggest my honest opinion why we have so many narcissistic behaviors, I will say that our society created them also are constantly enabling them. We can expand on this belief if you want to. Tgank you. God bless your work.

In process of divorcing a narcissist wife. I didn't recognize it at the time though. Just suffered the abuse for too long. The tips you give in recovering are valid. No point in blaming the other for your faults. I need to work on me.

I foresaw that she was the type who likes to press an issue when I set my boundaries, but I told that's Ill advised because I would see it as harassment and get management involved. Now, the silent treatment.

So I do recognize it isn’t about me , I guess what I’m hearing is that I have to not react - know that’s just who he is and it’s not personal. That’s a tough one when I really want to be married to my best friend - and i thought that’s who I married. He is definitely high functioning. But it doesn’t take a degree here to know he is a covert narcissist. I guess I’m at the place where I have to decide do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can’t change. Right?

I have asked NY older son to stop talking to me and to only talk to my partner I feel like a broken soul but no more

Years before I came to realize what I had married, years before I'd heard of covert narcissists....I told him anything I said was ammunition, using those words. Narcissists are a true lost cause. They must be saved from themselves BY themselves. So there is nothing that you can say or do to give them insight into your point of view. After you see you can't change the dynamic with a narcissist, I hope you find a way to make the only change there is. Leave the dynamic. Never believe a narcissist's words, take their actions as truth with great caution.

It is quite difficult to do this in a work situation when the narc is in a supervisory role. Grey rock is often not an option and a vindictive and retaliatory supervisor has leverage in many situations. Many, many times I was set up baited, lied to, devalued, triangulated and gaslighted. I knew better than to provoke her and wouldn't give her any personal information. She was well thought of by her superiors... until they realized she was lying to them and tried to take some of them down, and that her subordinates in the department were all right about her.

I learned about 'grey rock' and used it very effectively with my (text book) narcissistic ex wife.

try to lead (even better is to sever all ties) not to negotiate, or be led... (thanks a million)

I feel like I can use some of these techniques to just deal with myself.

❤

Yeah we would definitely have to work this out with each other because I am sure she would have some boundaries with me as I would with her that's what a relationship is about working together and having a good understanding with each other it's not all just 1 one sided no more manipulating.

Yes he sends nasty rumours around about me . He is so nasty and he bashed me and promised he never do it again so I took him back wrong thing to do. He bashed me kicked me strangled me to the extent hevleft his finger marks black and blue on my neck and body he put so much pressure on my neck it effected my wind pipe .My doctor said he was Lucky he didn't kill me. I still have troble with my neck till this day. He lives a few doors up and never ever apologised for all he did to me and this is the man who was supposed to love me. I am only small and he is a big man who thought it was OK to punch kick Strangled me and didn't care less. Its going on 38 years and he still never apologised. And worse he kicked my dog for barking when he was strangling me. I thank god I see him for what he is. He has no remorse. I had major surgery and he never knocked to ask if I needed bread or milk it's all about him. HE WILL GET HIS KARMA BIG TIME FOR ALL HIS NASTY TRICKS PINCHING MY KEYS AND GETTING A SET CUT AND COMING INTO MY HOME WHEN WE WERE NOT TOGETHER. GOING THROUGH BANK PAPERS SEARCHING IN MY DRAWERS. I CAME HOME EARLY AND CAUGHT HIM. REALLY A NASTY MAN. HE IS NOT THE MAN I THOUGHT HE WAS. I HAD HIM HIGH ON A PEDESTAL AND SOON FOUND OUT I WAS WRONG.