Mepkin Abbey - Vocational 

Could you elaborate. I never heard anyone speak or call me other than humans. How would I discern God calling me. I mean I want to be a great saint but my mundane Catholic life would hardly amount to such outside of martyrdom. I call it mundane because of the cycle I'm repeating: Sin, Reconciliation, Eucharist then repeat. I feel I must rise above because I know to be Catholic is above this cycle I find myself performing the cycle to infinitum. I know what it is to have dilation of heart and I know what it is to be spiritually perplexed yet never crushed. I know gain I know loss; twice married twice a widower. I recently lost all my blessings to Hurricane Ian. Divine intervention has always preceded these detrimental circumstance and I've been content in His strength. It's not like Elijah finding God in the silence after destructive forces but it's before the event occurs He teaches me somewhat prophetically. Here is a riddle. I had a vivid dream two nights ago. There was a herd of deer grazing on a lush forest hill side clearing. The watch deer made me out and the herd left feeding and ran up the hill and I did give chase. I ran uphill as if I were running down-hill without growing weary. There was a cement terrace built into the hill on the left I perceived for the ground cover kept secret its expanse. Upon it stood a magnificent buck. I turned to see where the herd had run but I had lost them. When my gaze returned to the buck it was now a large tiger whose orange stood out against its stripes. It was even more magnificent than the buck with a large head and a heavy muscular build. There was a tall wooden post to my left to a wooden octagonal, slightly longer in one direction, platform suspended mid-air. I became afraid and climbed the post but half way up a weariness caught me and I couldn't climb any higher nor throw my weight upon the platform. I turned to look for the tiger but I didn't see it but I thought it was looking at me in ambush though. I perceive the herd is the saints and buck maybe an archangel or more likely me as a saint and the tiger the Lord the platform is heaven and the post is Purgatory and my weariness is my sin. I'm trying to deal with my sin while I want to be a great saint but I can't get past Purgatory should my hour come soon. So now I ponder the monastic life to overcome the present monotony with a higher one which has a greater prayer life with Lectio Divina, Psalm chanting, contemplative prayer, Ora Et Labora, the Divine Liturgy and monastic discipline like St Benedict's rule. Maybe then I can live more virtuously and climb the post to freely jump to the platform.