Michael Alig & The Freudian Death Drive 

Alig reached his best high because he was dying. As a neurologist, you're aware of the chemicals that start to flood the brain at that point. It's a feeling some might describe as NIRVANA. Addicts know that they can survive without the drugs. It's like not cleaning your house for a long time. You know you're going to feel great when it's done, but the mere thought of it is overwhelming because you know the process is going to be hell. Coming off of opiates, the first thing you have to deal with is the physical withdrawal, which is like a horrible food poisoning. On top of that, you have all of these feelings that you've been numbing for years that start to bubble up to the surface. At the same time you're having these severe physical symptoms, you're having consecutive repetitive panic attacks. It's as if someone is flipping a switch on/off in your mind from mania to severe depression, every hour on the hour. You feel more exhausted than you've ever felt in your life, but you can't sleep. By day 4, you're usually so sleep-deprived that you have a difficult time separating reality from a dream. This is what addicts face when they think about quitting. They're terrified of it, so they don't. If they're lucky enough, a day will come where they realize their only options are a sickness that leads to healing, or death. I've been clean from opiates for 14 years. I lost my mother and my brother to overdoses. Losing my brother was my wake-up call. To anyone suffering, if you're reading this, you can do it. I got through it with meditation, refocusing, daydreaming, watching movies, writing, drawing, listening to music, and melatonin. I would meditate for an hour before trying to sleep, and I was able to get about 5 hours of sleep each night. Experiment and find out what makes those days easier for you.

I used to be a dancer at Limelight among other clubs and I remember Alig and his crew well. They were so scary to an 18 year old dancer still in high school in Long Island. They were VERY hard core in everything they did, the way they dressed, presented themselves as well a the drugs. They wanted to scare people all while complaining people “ judged@ them. I just went in and did my job and had a blast. Thank god I avoided their drama!

In my experience, people don't want to die, or even want to get high or drunk. People want to not be in pain, and everything else is just a symptom of that. They may not even be aware that that is the reason for their death impulse or addiction, but deep down, it always comes to pain. That is not an excuse, but it's something that mental health professionals and the judicial system seem to not understand most of the time.

Retired prosecutor here, Dr. vdV. I appreciate your take on cases and incidents and thank you for the lessons you provide. Keep up the good work.

I spent loads of time in NYC clubs in the late 80's just to go dancing. People like Alig are/were so common in that world. So exhausting and comical in their childish need for attention. Warhol was the same.

What an intelligent statement: "Dark humour works to diffuse emotions like fear or sadness. But not remorse." "Dark humour" is not meant to be an aid to people with an interest in committing crimes or cruelty, especially ego driven crimes. Listening to Alig make those comments and then say "just dark humour mate', rings just the same as the frats boys laughing about raping insensibly intoxicated girls and then saying "You just don't get our humour".

It might be hard for us to understand to the degree that sociopaths do not like people. they have no issues with killing someone they knew, letting the body sit in the house for a week, and dumping it in a river. Then, they'll laugh about dumping the body 20 years ago. They are delighted in their behavior.

I think he looked at his Actual Life as if he was in a movie. As if none of it was real, it was all a performance... It seems like he was completely detached from the reality of what he was experiencing

Your, like, one sentence description of how each of the Cluster B disorders functions and how they differ is the best I've ever heard it. Please do get to videos just on this topic! 👏

I met this guy once back in like 1995 (?) in NYC at Limelight. He was a mess. That whole crew was kind of gross.

I think you nailed his pathology on the head. I used to chat with Ernie Glam, michaels friend and former roommate. He told me that Michael had this tortured quality about him that no matter how successful or how popular or how fabulous he was, there was part of him that would never find happiness and stability and calmness. He was always attracted to the drama and the disarray.

I'm really looking forward to your Cluster B video. My mom is a classic case. She is a compulsive liar and stole money from me when I was a teenager. She also tried to steal money from my brother. Unfortunately I eventually had to cut off contact with her.

As a person who suffers from BPD, i would really love it if people like you would try to teach the general public a little bit more about what BPD is and how unique it is on every person. There is so much stigma painting us as terrible, irredeemable people. Some of us actively do the work to try to get better... There is a ton of information out there and people don't even realize the difference between BPD and NPD.

Gabor Maté's theories are perhaps useful here, that addiction is rooted in unresolved trauma. Speaking as a gay man of that generation, Michael Alig is sadly an all too familiar type. Alig said he was badly bullied as a kid for being gay. I've seen it so many times - the effects of it are catastrophic. It leaves the victim with self hatred, toxic shame, and underlying anger at the way they were treated. They then tend to drift into drug use and / or promiscuous sex as a means to dull the pain and in some cases to punish themselves. Histrionic behaviour is also an absolutely classic symptom. "Please like me because I'm incapable of liking myself and there's a huge aching hole in my soul that I can't handle". The breakup of his family at a young age will also have been a big destabilising factor. Speaking to a friend who was a heavy ketamin user, he said he used it as a means to escape from his own self hatred. I suppose in that respect it is a death drive.

Wow I had no idea he called his mom after he killed angel😳 I thought I knew all there was about this case. Thank you for this video.

This a very insightful and thorough investigation into the psyche of Michael Alig Dr. vdV and I learned a lot and gained a new perspective on Alig and what may have propelled some of his behaviors and (at least some of) his actions. As you noted, Alig is inconsistent in his narrative concerning the events that transpired and his manipulation of those he was either speaking to or being interviewed by and I'd like to state another reason which (is not mentioned) and one that not many know of and I am only stating this as (for one) it is mentioned in "Glory Daze" and the fact that only 1 member involved in this grizzly case (Freeze) is still alive..What is NEVER mentioned in videos, films, interviews, etc involving Alig, those involved and the murder is that there was a "fourth person in Michael's apartment during the murder!". This person was Michael's boyfriend (now deceased) and was Hidden from all parties concerned and even came forward with a "different version of events", which forced Alig and Freeze's attorneys to "jump at a plea bargain" and this person was "Daniel Auster", son of author Paul Auster and his version of events are Not the version we have all heard and the fact that he never testified, we cannot attest to the validity of his claims, which was that Michael and Freeze were NOT "attacked", nor responded in "self defense", but that Alig and Freeze planned to "Rob and Murder Angel" and by doing so would not only clear up Alig's "drug debt", but line their pockets with whatever money and drugs were on Angel!. Apparently (after the fact), Daniel was given "hush money" and told to "leave NY", though obviously his conscience got the best of him (if this version of events is true) and came forward with his story, but for whatever reason never testified and a plea bargain was struck!..Daniel Auster died a year ago of an overdose (like Alig), 11 days after being convicted of the death of his daughter, who apparently had (somehow) "ingested some of his supply" and with him died his version of events regarding the death of Angel Melendez!.. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing whether the death of Angel was the "accidental mishap" Alig has always claimed, or a "premeditated robbery/murder?". The difference in these stories would have meant a difference between a sentence of "10-20 years" or the possibility of the "death penalty!"…. Regardless of what truly transpired that day, a great many things can happen (and be justified) when hard drugs/addiction are involved, but it takes a certain type of person to "dismember and dispose of a body" as Alig did and that is (obviously) Not something one can blame on "drug use!"... Excuse my lengthy rambling, but I felt the need to point out a series of events that most are unaware of!.. The film "Glory Daze" can be streamed Free online and it's certainly worth a watch for anyone interested in this topic, the Club Kids and the whole "darker side" of the club scene and the death of NY nightclubs and the Club Kids!..

You are so intelligent, Dr van der Vaart. I learn so much from listening to you. This was most interesting. I grew up in the 70's and didn't realize what some of these drugs were and how they were integrated into music. Thank you.

Great video on a very interesting subject. Ever since I saw Glory Daze, I have found this topic very compelling. I’ve watched many episodes of Michael’s RU-vid channel, The Peeeew. apparently, when Michael and James, St. James were joking about dumping another body in the river, Michael didn’t realize he was miced, or didn’t think the footage would be used, and when James put it in the documentary, Michael was extremely upset with him. He did not want this to go public.

i knew most of these people. just a lot of warhol wannabes. and we all did most of the same drugs. we saw the club kids as mostly a joke. it was a wonderful, hedonistic time for most of us. michael wanted attention. good and bad and your giving it too him. my first boyfriend was best friends with the guy michael killed. i had no idea about the club kids. or the murder. and remember putting up flyers in nyc with him asking his where abouts. and some people in the know already knew it was just a drug thing gone way too far. nyc had 3000 murders a year at that time. most due to the crack epidemic. i then backed off and went on my own. and basically learned early on the club kids were slimeballs and avoid them.

No one has ever come at it from this angle before. Very insightful.

Angel was a good friend of mine, and the way that his murder was made into a joke still angers me. Michael never should have been let free. His nonchalant attitude about the murder is proof of it. He's proud of it and enjoys bragging about Angel's murder.

Freud's books are a must read for people interested in psychology, even if he wasn't "right" on many things. I prefer his student and former friend Carl Gustav Jung, hands down. But Freud is still an important person in the field of psychology.

What a fascinating talk about the death drive and Freud, thank you for imparting your knowledge so eloquently. Also love the shirt.

A note about the drugs - Alig surprisingly didn't do drugs until about halfway into his club career - that's where it went off the rails.

I recently did 6 ketamine therapy sessions for my severe depression and anxiety. It’s so funny that you mention the hero’s journey because that was something I thought about frequently during those sessions. Afterwards I felt compelled to watch movies like Dune, The Prince of Egypt, Lion King… all of those epics. It also does make you feel like this reality dissipates and you can see into another, spiritual realm. Really an incredible drug used in the right settings. I don’t know how anyone does it recreationally lol. But the sustained feelings of joy and purpose are something I did not think I could ever have again in my life.

Really unique and insightful content on your channel. It sticks out in a sea of RU-vid content- I always jump to watch your videos. Thank you!

Now this is quality real crime commentary. Fascinating coherent insights. Thank you. Looking forward to more 😊

Don't forget the dragkid Desmond is amazing is allowed and has been allowed to spend time with this man alone.

I saw the movie Party Monsters and it was bizarre and disturbing. I didn't know the backstory until now. The death drive theory is interesting and I'm intrigued how it reconciles with our survival instinct. Are we all on a spectrum for both of these?

Thank you for introducing me the Freud concept of the libido transforming the death drive into mastery. Stunning.

Retired therapist here… love your insights - love your channel! Please keep uploading - very appreciated - from Northern Quebec!

I love the way you describe addiction and how it tells you that you need them but they are trying to kill you.

In the late '70s, certain chemicals were flowing all around me, since I hung around with musicians and record company execs. I did partake, since they were offered freely, and I enjoyed the effects of 'c'. It culminated with a friend offering me a snort of 'h', which laid me out on the floor with me head under a coffee table. That one experience was enough for me, and I just stopped using, period. I'd never heard of this...person before the algorhythms suggested this vid. I subscribed and liked about two minutes in. I appreciate your presentation, and the interesting content. Very nice.

I'm gay and I remember at the time how creeped out I was by these club people. They used to get a lot of attention in certain media and a lot of people were highly amused and fascinated by them, but I found them horrifying. Having observed them, I couldn't help thinking that they were horrible people and I wanted to stay as far away from them as possible.

His narcissism ego and power made him confess. Whenever Michael got his attention he felt powerful and that power that could lead a whole group of club kids made him more of a megalomaniac. He lost control as soon as he confessed unintentionally.

When my psychiatrist voiced concern I had a death wish, I told her... "I KNOW I don't want to die cause last week when a 10 ft wave tried it's hardest to drown me, ALL I DID WAS FIGHT FOR THE SURFACE!!" Highest of ecstasy , woven into our deepest fears! !

It’d be really interesting if you interviewed James St. James ( Michael’s closest friend and author of Party Monster)..I’d love to see what he might say about Michael’s life

That time I stopped by Michael Alig’s to buy party favors; the elevator doors open into his apartment and he was having a hot tub installed in the livingroom. I got my stuff and left.

just dicovered this channel..finally finally finally found the approach to crime etc i´ve been looking for. intelligent, insightful and very compelling. thank you!

I did NOT know Freud was a neurologist.....super interesting! Thanks for making these - you do a great job of explaining things!

I find the ketamine for depression thing really interesting. I'm naturally a pretty depressed person to begin with and 10 years ago I had a breakup that left me in an extremely rough emotional state for a protracted length of time. I had always like drugs in general and ketamine was among my favorite but I had never done it very often, but during this time I started using it almost daily because I found it just made it so much easier to cope. Now I realize that some or even a lot of this effect was just caused by normal addictive pathology making me feel more fulfilled from using than not, but I really felt ketamine was getting me through better than anything else could. Since then I've gone through a whole battle with addiction to Fentanyl and meth, and now I've been sober for a couple years. Anyway it's interesting that before I was aware of ketamines pharmacological use for depression I sort of came upon it by accident. Although I was definitely misusing it with total disregard for my own safety, and Im not advocating that behavior. Just telling a piece of my own story with mental health and addiction.

I learned so much from this that I didn’t expect to. You explain heavy intangible concepts really well

You are my favourite crime related channel because of your valuable psychological insights. Thank you for being here and being you!

Could you do a "day in the life"/ "week in the life" of you. How are you so knowledgable? How many books do you read? Do you watch tv or drink or smoke?. How do you spend your time? You must be so organised! It must be amazing to have something you're so passionate about as your career #inspiration

I just discovered you on RU-vid. What fascinates me about you is your vocabulary as well as your ability to get the audience to be introspective. Or I should say myself to think about my own psychology.

You are absolutely right, you don't joke about murdering your so called friend if you feel genuine remorse.

Deliberate descent into madness... i do think they subconsciously seek actual death... because they're alive-dead, like vampires.

He reminds me of The Joker in these interviews, and it's not just the looks. Wondering if he drew inspiration from the comic book character. Your work is so insightful, please don't stop doing what you do!

I love how well researched this was and how you explorer so many different view points. Definitely a think piece in terms of destruction and mastery. Well done.

So glad to see you include Nelson Sullivan! I stumbled across his old content and very much enjoy it. ❤ great work on this! My cousin Jeff actually helped produce ‘Party Monster ‘back when he lived in Manhattan!

All your videos are insightful but this is perhaps your best yet.

Your intelligent analysis is insightful, obviously educated, and fascinating. Quite refreshing.

You’re absolutely correct, the way this guy jokes.people like him,scare me. I enjoy and learning from your, awesome videos. You rock Andrew🙋‍♀️👋👍❤️

Yay! I’ve been diligently checking for that “blue dot” notification next to your channel!! Another incredible breakdown! This is my favorite video so far! The filming was awesome. I love the split camera views and background. Always looking forward to your next project ❤

Love your analysis in every video that you have posted since I have been subscribed. This one was exceptionally well done.

This is my new favourite channel🙌I thank you so much for your work🙌👏👏👏

I have not studied psychology. My field is Literature, encompassing the usual stuff - novels, poetry, drams, essays and including a significant amount of mythology, folk tales/fairy tales, ballads, traditional song collections and that ilk, and all the usual forms of analyzing literary work. Literary analysis has lots of cross overs into philosophies of different schools, philology, history and psychology. While I've read some of Freud's more strictly psychoanalytical writing, it was his literary analysis that I found more interesting.. He was good at it. He could be really quite insightful. Though my reaction might also be due to this: With literary analysis ambiguity is the rather the point. No one view is ever meant to be "THE" explication. Many different analyses can have validity. Though this is not to say that ALL do. Bad literary analysis is bad. But it is much harder to cause harm to people with a silly or even clearly wrong or stupid essay about King Lear, than it is if you tell the world and your female patients that the reason they're saying their father has been raping them is due to THEIR wish that this were true. That theory was a case where even as literary analysis it was fifth rate, but to then claim it as psychological insight and medical diagnosis was...monstrous. And not fairy tale monstrous, but the real thing.

Looking forward to the cluster B video!!! Just the little bit you covered made me understand them so much more!! Thank you!!

WOW! This is the most amazing analysis pertaining the this “death drive” that I’ve ever heard. You are absolutely brilliant

I celebrate the timing of this video appearing on my landing page, as I am in the process of re-reading Goethe's Faust. Mephisto in this text is repeatedly described so vividly, he even makes references to sartorial self expression lifting the spirit as he's adorned in primary colours, almost always in vermillion and gold, adorned with animal feathers, so similarly to a club kid. Wonderful work Andrew in delineating how this scene completely lost their balance of ego expression and creativity. I think their proposition for fun was always a Faustian bargain of sorts, promising these young people who'd come to New York fun as a way to surpass their humble, unfortunate or unremarkable roots. But then there's always the comedown that follows, increasingly bringing more pain than pleasure. Thank you for your insightful analysis, it allowed me to re-read this foundational work through a new lens.

Fascinating analysis. Thank you for this.

I loved watching James St. James’ Paint My Face series on WOW. VERY disappointed and disturbed to see him casually making jokes with his murderer friend about throwing a body into the water. Like what the actual fuck… i understand coping with humor but your “friend” actually murdered someone- how can you even talk to them let alone joke with them?

Their DESMOND IS AMAZING "situation" interviewibg desmind whilst they perchbhum in front of the rohypnol painting is so utterly repulsive. Theyre predators, dangerous, becUse of their lack of empathy and need for gratification

The images and the thumbnail GRABBED my attention, 😮 but the way you laid out the story and your opinions kept me locked in. RIP to Angel. My wild partying days weren’t quite this wild, but I can’t imagine not surviving them because of tragic, drug-related violence. Thank you for your insight on a case that I’ve only heard about once, long ago. I love how you leaned in to Freudian ideas and the “old school” principle of withholding psychotherapy on antisocial people. Addiction and mental illness are so scary and painful to deal with, but so important to understand. I hope you have a whole catalog. ❤

Please make the video on cluster b disorders! Every time you explain something about psychology it blows my mind.

Ah the Donahue Show thats some 80s/ 90s daytime TV gold

18:26 SAVING THIS! Thank you. Just found your channel. Very grateful it came up

Really fascinating insight. Thank you for you work and sharing it with us

hello Dr. Van der Vart, well done job. This was a very levelheaded analysis of the "death drive", with an awareness of the need to cull out the outmoded theories of Freud, whilst propounding and acknowledging. the valuable pioneering work he accomplished. You picked a great example of a contemporary model for an "archetypal" overarching behavior which can have such an impact on what can be the foundational responses/choices, (on what so many,) people can make during a crisis. The one thing of note on delivery/form I might add is your interjection of the introductory pause phrasing of the word/sentiment,"Right?" in your discursive statements is superflous. You make a solid arguement and proffer, you don't need to moderate your ideas with a "modesty" tempering caveat. I think it is probabaly done in an effort to impart your contribution with a "sotto id" indicator of open mindedness, but is unnecessary, as your meter and temperance are rational and comprehensive. I would ask if you could expand on anti-social personality disorder as that was the only aspect where I was not fully comprehending the shorthand distinctions you were offering for an encapsulation of the personality type you butterissing toward the broader point of Cluster B disorders.If you have time to respond to that inquiry,I would appreciate it. Good luck, and admirable work you are carryiing out.

Great analysis! I see this same dynamic today replay itself among young people groups.

I really appreciate you and your extensive knowledge, and I just subscribed. Can't wait for more!

They’re entire crew was like “he was a poser so we didn’t care.”

This was such an enjoyable and thoughtful watch! Thank you. Easy follow 💕

I'm so happy you hit my bots again. You're gifted and a gift to those of us you trigger lmao

I have followed this scene and it’s consequences for years. I really appreciate your insightful analysis. New subscriber. Thanks.

My sister was always obsessed with the Party Monster story she read the book, she watched the movie , and whatever kind of media was out there she consumed it. One of her huge goals in life was to meet James Saint James. Years later she moved to Vegas and indeed got to meet James St. James at a New Year’s Eve party and she was absolutely enthralled. He ended up coming home with her and her husband to further the party. I was not there that’s just something that was not interesting to me and I had my own family and a child so the party scene wasn’t a huge deal to me, it’s kind of crazy to think that this person was an idol to someone but it makes sense because my sister had major addiction issues and ended up dying from addiction. However, if anyone wants proof of the pictures of her partying with James Saint James, I don’t have those pictures as they went into some other family members custody after she passed away. I have no clue what happened to those pictures and that incident occurred probably well over 10 years ago, so who knows who knows where those pictures are. I had never heard of this de@th wish or de@th drive type of Mentality but for her made sense, a K Hole is something that is terrifying to me, whereas that was a goal for her. She overdosed about 2 days after Mother’s Day 3 years ago at 34. Different strokes, I guess.

you are my favourite channel. I am so grateful for your sharing of knowledge. The explanations incl the stepping into abyss and coming back consolidated with a transformation is almost word for word, what my friends who have done it, have reported to me. I didn't believe them but I believe you cos of the letters after your name LOL. Maybe my friends aint so dumb after all. Good for them.

The production value keeps goin up nice work!

Really cool insight at the end about the language we still use today. I talk about how we call people who are really good at something "a beast" or "a monster."

Thank you, Dr. VdV. What began as a diversion quickly became an interest in this excellent presentation. The study of psychology fascinates me. It was a pleasure to find a video that wasn't a simplication of a complex topic. I tend to lean toward Jung's explanation of the need to acknowledge the shadow self as an integral part of the psyche. I think that once accepted, the dark part within us can remain there without the need to be expressed outwardly. If nothing effed up happens to you as a child, that is.

you are spectacularly undersubscribed

This was wonderful. Thank you.

Could guilt cause gallows humor? He doesn’t appear racked with guilt, however.

Thank you I found it fascinating particularly the concept of the death drive which seems to make sense to me with regards to understanding behavior..

I’ve had so many explanations in school of cluster b personality disorders but never have I heard such a useful and succinct definition. Thank you!

Great video. Looking forward to your next one! 💕

Thanks for your hard work. I appreciate it.

I was given ketamine in the hospital once while having a severe asthma attack. I felt like i was in a beehive, looking up at the hexagonal shaped lights directly above me n they kept "stinging" me. Trying to get an iv in me. It was absolutely crazy

Please do an Incel and the reason to take out so many and themselves..death drive

First class analysis. Thank you. Subscribed.

first time watcher. and this is really good.

Just found your channel, it's very good. Thank you. One of the things that caught my attention is when you mentioned different terms for the same phenomena and the different ways Freud and Jung would explain it. My point of view is a bit different. "Epiphany" and "enlightenment" can come from many things, including, but rarely, drugs. No matter where they come from, if there is nothing to tie us to our life and no anchor to reality, it always ends badly. Sometimes very badly. I would use different terminology, but I think your assessment is spot on.

Nelson and the whole "scene" seemed really vapid and narcissist and hedonistic and it's really a dead end that ultimately leads to death and destruction. Kali Yuga is the age of misery and mercy.

Fantastic video I’m really enjoying your work. Going to watch the Ramsey videos now.

Hey, really nice treat finding this vid and your channel 🥂

He was a really sick person.

Wow, where have you been all my life ? Great video and looking through your playlist I am excited for a new and interesting companion to help me through my work day

This is so fascinating. Great work. I want to hear more about your thoughts about Magnotta as well.

He seems narcissistic and loves attention in my eyes.

Ooh Clinical Psychologist here....this is interesting.