Mommy Issues: A Personal Analysis (feat. Meryl Streep) 

Thank you all so very much for watching! If it's not too much trouble, please let me know if you like longer or shorter video formats? I get a little worried whenever a video goes over 20min😕...I adore you!

"you're not going to find a teenager obsessed with Meryl Streep" Hi; it was me. Mommy issuesand Father issues have ruled my life for so long its crazy. This makes me weep because it shows me we're not alone

I wonder how many older women, with or without their own mommy issues, watched this and wanted to reach out and volunteer to be K’s unofficial adoptive mother? My hand is raised... Who’s with me?

This happens a lot with girls experiencing mommy issues. The same happened to me as well. My mom never really wanted or excepted me. Now I look for women in their 50s and fallow them around like a lost puppy. It's so typical.

“Impressionable children see themselves as their parent sees them, whether that be positively or negatively” It makes me wonder how I’d have been different if my parents had been a little kinder.

Thank you for sharing such a deeply wrenching and vulnerable story. I must admit that I shed a few tears. As far as the length of your videos, feel free to make them as long or as short as you like. I’ll watch either way.

I was so captivated by this video I couldn't do anything but watch it intently from beginning to end. Am I fucked up? Yes. I have mommy issues to but of a different sort I suppose. My mom is a narcissist, and that's a whole thing. She began being jealous of me when I was about 10. I have gone back-and-forth between wanting to cut her out of my life because she's toxic, and wanting a mom. I want her to be somebody that she cannot be. That's what I've realized. I want to stop wanting that, I don't know if it's possible.

Kidology: "I'm too old for someone to care about me." Me who cherishes our parasocial relationship: 👁️👄👁️

The way you tell your stories are so exquisite, the story itself is.. so captivating. Not to self depreciate but I aspire for your skill set.

I suffer from mommy issue and I am in my late 20s I was hit , verbally and mentally abused by my Chinese mother due to my failure of obtaining a well paying job due to my OCD and Irritable Bowel Syndrome . I stucked with either low paying job and part time jobs after graduation for years . While employed, I was never able make enough money to live on my own and pay rent. And my mother struggled with bad health . Bad vision for years . She was undocumented and couldnt go to the doctor until became a green card holder 3 years ago My father left when I was 5 and refused to pay child support. My mother was my only reliances. But due to our financial and her health issues she is torned mentally and often lash out on me and call me names and spanks me even as a working adult I still have mentality of a teenager .I couldnt make my own decision, I still fear her and fear others judgments .

I like how you started by saying that stereotypically mommy issues are something that guys have, but that's okay if women have problems with that too. Well surprise, I'm a guy with daddy issues. You are so brave for telling us all this and you truly seem like a stoic, the way you speak about these stories so calmly. Also, you are a great storyteller indeed, saw that in some other comments already but it's so true!

Oh that was interesting, mommy issue from a female perspective is something I think have never seen discussed earnestly before. I have never had any daddy issue whatsoever, but I might have some mommy issues as well. I am a bisxual woman and growing up, definitely the first "sexual" being for me had been my mother. I was very close to her growing up, my father was a person to me that was mostly at work, my mother stayed at home with me and my brother. Things have gotten...more complicated over the years due to the mental illness my mother suffers from. I turned 30 this year, but I still find people with hands similar to my mother's very attractive. The first boyfriend I ever had, had hands very similar to my mother's and that was one my favourite physical traits of him. Anyway, this video gave me a lot to think about.

Wow, it takes a lot of guts to be that vulnerable, but it’s exactly that kind of vulnerability that instigates interesting and important discussions. My father was so horrible in my childhood (he’s a manipulative narcissist), that my mother seemed amazing and perfect by contrast… but now that I’m older, I’m realizing that while my mom is amazing at many aspects of motherhood, there are some areas where she is seriously lacking (namely providing any emotional support). It shaped the person I became in some not-so-great ways, and now I’m having to put in the work to mend it. It’s a long and tiring journey 😅

The loss of a mother or grandmother is something you never get over. I lost my great grandmother in 1980, and my grandmother and mother in 2007. If I ever get over it I'll let you know.

It's disheartening how so much of the dialogue behind what we do has descended into "Freudianism" and "fetishization" that explaining emotional attachments needs a disclaimer that there is nothing of that nature there. Really appreciate this deep dive into the absence of a mother. There aren't enough resources for people like us, so it's helpful and comforting to come across stories like this.

Okay, the ending killed me 🤣 Also I can’t believe the similarities between our upbringing, coping mechanisms and life philosophies. I thought I was a nihilist too, I didn’t know that was about destroying things. I also don’t care enough for that. I certainly am an anti-natalist though. Have you been in therapy? I also thought I had “crushes” on girls growing up, but it was also just a strange “attraction” to the motherly or ones who were beautiful in a wholesome way that I could aspire to. Eventually I would realize what was happening, get disgusted with myself and shun them. I closed my heart entirely to close relationships with women but I am still vulnerable to people pleasing the ones who remind me of my abusive mother 🙄

Wow, I felt this powerful maternal mama bear instinct during your video about your awful landlady. Now I understand why. I am sure it is weird to read that a total stranger just wants to grab and hug you...XO from a 50ish lady who kinda looks like Meryl Streep.

The human mind is fascinating! You had attachment trauma, and Meryl was your idealized maternal figure who could not abandon you. You were coping with the grief of losing the closest, most empowering person in your life. I think you’ll get to a place where you will find the world does want you and need you. You’re brilliant. Thank you for sharing this story. Signed, Mommy issues for miles

Well I've got mummy and daddy issues so I guess I'm double f*ckd up 🤷🏽‍♀️ From your story, I just realised that I look for a mum and dad in virtually every adult I encounter. I don't gel well with people my own age; I feel comfortable with mostly older people. You're a strong person and you don't look or act like the things you've endured. Finding this channel is one of the best features of my 2021 🙂

How strangely similar this can be to what many of us men can experience as a ghost of "mother" in women we meet later. Thank you for sharing such a human experience. I also attatched powerfully to a woman later in life who I obviously subcosciously wanted to belong to, be good enough for and feel "okay" with. A mom. Potentially boring/moving personal experience : I was 22 and very insecure entering art school. I met a 46 year old woman working there. She had a kind of powerful and even authorativ vibe to her, with a wonderful vulnerable and painful self-awareness just under the surface. Never rude, not even good with bounderies, but worthy of respect just because her character demanded it. She had deep wrinkles under her eyes, a pointy nose, thin lips, busty and soft body, large working hands and a wonderfully soft voice. The first time I spoke to her I understood that I would become attatched to her. It was like we already knew what the other wanted, and were insanely curious about each other. Her eyes revealed every damn thing. You know "the look" of being unsure and curious? And no - this wasn't an affair kind of thing. Nothing like that happened, although it was sometimes right in the air. I sure was madly in love with her. Like, obsessed. I found her heavy body peculiar and attractive. Her kind of tired expression made me want to comfort her and be strong for her. It was something else than romantic and sexual attraction. I wanted to be her child. She was larger than me, as if I was still a child. I wanted her to love me as if I was her son, but also be a man for her. I wanted comfort, tenderness, approval. Might sound weird but fuck it since we are all open here - I had this idea that she would symbolically "birth" me into adulthood. Not like an actual birth, but sort of through her approval I could finally become an adult, secure person. And all the time I knew her it was like we both resisted this "birth". Like I was stuck in my child role, stuck inside of her womb. Like she needed me there. I loved fullfilling her wishes, I knew exactly what charmed her. I wasn't overbearing either. I made her work for my attention and approval many times, and she did. It was an unspoken game between us. Bounderies almost completely broke down. It was so confusing. I was in a lot of pain knowing that every day she went home to her real sons and husband, while I walked home alone wondering what all of this meant about me. Was I unworthy of being a son? Was I unworthy of being born? Why am I not good enough/ready for her to want to see me be a man? Why do I both love and hate feeling like a child with her? Who is she really? What should I do? I wrote and wrote about her. Analyzed her, and me. Only sometimes fantazised about sex. More about touch, spoken words. I too, fantasized about being at her death bed, reading too her, making her smile. Me daring to embrace her. Her dressing me up in a suit. Well, obviously nothing could happen. I admitted my feelings for her, to which she suddenly seemed to recognize how serious I was, and kind of flattered but panicky rejected me. We became strangers to each other after that day. I started to dream about her every single night. Either she walked past me, or rejected me, avoided me. She was always tall, proud, busy. Other times I dreamed I embraced her. Then she was small. But she was gone, in real life. I couldn't stand the rejection anymore. I didn't feel rejected once. I felt CONSTANTLY rejected. Every time I dressed up I dressed up for her. I had internal dialogues with her about morality, politics, art in my head every day. I cried A LOT. She has no idea how ruined I was. Some days I wanted to die. Like, I started to think about what I could do to just die. It took me 3 years to "get over" this. I still think about her at least once or twice every day. I sometimes dream about her, too. TMI, but when I do my thing you know what, I still think of her at the peak. It's like my sexuality is attatched to her. I don't find other women attractive anymore. It's just me and a faint ghost of her still in my mind. The hope I felt when I met her was beyond anything I've experienced. It's like she's my best and only reference for love, sex, attatchment, belonging. Still don't know what to do. Anyone sharing their similar experiences (male or female) appretiated :)

Yes, I am fcked up. I couldn't make friends with my peers after 15 or so and ended up making friends with older women, also men but less so, but I was too scared to walk after them even though I wanted to in the fear that they would dislike me even more. I had a relationship that is awfully but accurately called "emotional incest" with my mother. I didn't get attention unless I helped her. That is to say, I relate to this video so much. I felt like I had no mother whatsoever. In Finland there was a tv show for kids that had a granny sometimes, and I was obsessed with her. It felt like for that small moment I had a mother. I didn't take this obsession further, but I clearly remember the feeling of safety whenever I saw the granny and I understand why you, in your much worse situation, ended up creating a journal for Meryl Streep. The feeling of safety and motherly love was in a way created by you to you, and Meryl was just a helper for it. I think this is, as far as coping mechanisms go, an okay one. I'm glad you dealt with it later, when you were more capable of it. I'm glad the algorithm suggested you a week or so back, I've watched and enjoyed your videos very much. Thank you for sharing your story, it helped me to go through my own, too.

I lost my mom when I was 4. She was just sleeping. I can't even. Thank you for your story.

I had my heart smashed looking for substitute family. That cured me from expecting comfort from others.

Parents have such a huge impact on so, either positive or negative, and everyone wants human connection. Anyway, what a voice!

‘I lost everything” *adorably giggles* I don't think I've ever related to something so hard😅👌

You have such a gift for bringing humor to heavy topics, I laughed when I heard gamadoelas.

you are not F--ed up, you are deeply engaging with the human condition and my heart goes out to you. the way you have been able to share your insights into yourself--so eloquently, as is the way you express yourself--is another form of beauty and I sincerely hope you know how much I appreciate your raw honesty. Your intellect is something I admire and your vulnerability is unmatched, but also with a level of awareness that is so rapidly engaged. I really hope you know how special and brilliant you are. regardless of the difficulties, you are truly a loving and deeply warm person, but sadly given circumstances, they have likely honed so much grief. I also used to not care when I was younger, and in hindsight im recognising emotional neglect that is is no way the fault of my parent but I would like to say that friends can also care for you. I actually have a friend who similarly finds deep fulfilment in the roles of older men who she can admire and feel represent the love from the father she lacked in her life as he passed away. These instances show up in so many persons and your courage to engage with confronting it is eye opening and I hope you know that so many of us appreciate your strength. Also the role of imagination and how you were able to try to make peace with something you had no control over is also a characteristic shared amongst many. In my opinion, it sheds a true insight into the human need for love. You are showing to yourself that you love yourself by envisioning a means of closure. Perhaps that previous sentence lacks the clarity I am trying to convey, but even though certain aspects cannot be replaced quite in the way we wish for them to be, you can still find care in individuals who are there for you. I sincerely hope you honour yourself so you can stand in your truth and slowly begin to trust people as you begin to trust yourself. The lack of care sounds like a protective mechanism of indifference, and whilst this non-partial perspective is useful, I would hope you know how its default ruling over one's entire life is telling of root issues that can be addressed in a safer space, than solely with yourself. You are a brilliant and bright person, through and through and I send you all my love.

No video format sharing your thoughts could ever be too long, Kidology. I am in awe. Thank you so very much for another amazing, emotion-inducing video.

learned from therapy that virtually all my issues stem from my mommy issues. thank you for talking about this.

I grew up with an alcoholic mom who was largely absent, emotionally. I looked up to Whitney Houston in that way. I realise the irony now 🙆🏽‍♀️ but she really looked like my mom. I cried buckets when Whitney died. I still cry when I watch her doccies especially her demise with drugs. Thanks for this, your videos make me feel less alone. I only recently discovered you and I'm binging your content. Thank you for being so open, Zandile.

Yup, mommy issues right here too. It's why i'm terrified of getting emotionally attached to anyone. I run quite alot from those i feel i'm starting to attach to or them attaching to me.

Zandile what a beautiful name. Made me feel all warm inside. As if despite everything you are a part of us. Despite language, upbringing or locale.

Ouch this fucking hurts me. When you said that you're a grown adult and no one will want to be your mum. I felt that to my core.

Length was great, I thought. I described my mommy issues once as feeling like there was this deep ocean creature covered in suckers - needy to the extent that I was dangerous so it felt safer to just stay away from anyone remotely reminiscent of someone who would show me care or tenderness. Easier to be alone than at the mercy of longing and shame amiright? It's gotten better with learning to kind of re-parent myself, be my own internal maternal voice, but that could only come when I could manage to stop hating myself, and that only happened when I finally could admit to myself I'm lesbian (raised thinking being gay is a choice, sigh)... Soooo yeah, less fucked up, but it's complicated 🤷🏻‍♀️ Found a lot to resonate with in Audre Lorde's first chapter of Sister Outsider. Thanks for your thoughtful examinations and willingness to grapple with your own stories to bring them into this format. Cheers from a fellow Mommy Issues Weirdo

Oh man, this video really resonated with me. Growing up my mother was schizophrenic and all of my childhood and adolescence was lost in looking after her. She refused to take medication and it was difficult for me as a young child to comprehend that I couldn't trust all the things my mother said. As a child adults are almost infallible they seem to know everything and they have the ability to provide safety. But I never had that, I knew through my mother too soon that adults had their flaws this caused me to become overly self reliant and independent. I felt like I had only myself to trust to make things work. My parents argued a lot(they almost divorced but decided against due to traditions and social stigma). I don't think I realised the degree to which this affected me until I processed it a bit more. They seperated on and off. Finally my father completely moved away when I was 15 for his job. He was the sole breadwinner in the family so I didn't see him that much but I still have a good relationship with him. I prize compliments from older women above the rest. I also find it very hard to care about most things. Mama mia left a deep impact on me especially when they are performing slipping through my fingers. I can't listen to that song without crying because it hits too deeply into the part of me that wanted a conventional mother daughter relationship but could never have it.

Ms Kidology you are a very impressive loner ! Your producton , voice and overall presentation is so engaging ! Thank you for sharing !

I have a similar story with my birth mother. Born of a one night stand (she was a drug addled stripper apparently) and I was put up for adoption. After 30 years of searching my half sister found me through 23 and me, she told me about my mother- that she had died in 2006. Very bittersweet.

The parasocial tendrils are drawing me deeper and I know its false, but with so many similarities between your character and story to mine; I feel a sort of kinship. Anyway, back to social distancing.

I found your channel with your "I don't dream of labor" video and have since been actively watching most of your videos. I really enjoy your videos, and the longer the better! I wanted to thank you for sharing this bit of your life with us, internet strangers.

Growing up with my grand parents and not feeling ‘ loved! by mother ruined my emotional structure so badly. I used to fall in love with boys the instant moment I felt attracted to them. And I would get treated so badly and I would hit rock bottom so many times. I am so thankful to the universe that I found my boyfriend , he loves snd cares for me so deeply . I feel so healed and I am beyond grateful for that.

What a moving story. I can relate because I also have some kind of mommy issues, I grew up idolising my mother so much that her realness as I grew up offended me in a way, I had placed all these expectations on her and when she turned out to not be superwoman, I grew more and more resentful. Luckily she is still here so bit by bit we are working through things. I am a South African and I’m wondering if you have kept in touch with people in the country.

You are so so so articulate and this isn't even a scripted video 😭 I honestly really, really want, one day, to to achieve that amount of eloquence. Thank you yet again for yet another masterpiece 💕 Edit: spelling

This was one of the most compelling, fascinating and captivating videos ive ever seen. Youre so insightful and such a good storyteller, this was strangely eye-opening for me. Really appreciate you sharing your story, tyy

ppl with similar struggles finding and supporting each other in the comment section is just so beautiful.😭💕

wow I recognized that we were similar earlier on, this video really hit home for me. Thank you for this, no one ever speaks on mommy issues.

I'd like a variety of longer(like this)- and shorter- (+- 15minutes) videos. Watching from South Africa🇿🇦

I was literally talking to a friend about this on the day you posted the video. As she is a mother we were discussing how important it was to identify and work to resolve mummy issues so that you don't pass that trauma onto your children.

I have felt the same way about a certain actor since I was a kid, I'm not going to mention who it is but it gives me great relief to know I'm not alone with how I feel. And when you said that Meryl Streep is growing old and it's going to be painful in the end being attached to that person... I felt that. I cried once knowing the person I saw as a parental(?) figure is going to be gone someday and I'm never going to meet them. It just really hurts overall and the best thing to do is really detach yourself (which is hard for me haha). Watching your video really gave me some awareness and insight on some of the things I feel. Thank you for sharing your experience with us!

Exactly there’s maternal worshipping in Nigerian single mother households as well which is what I experienced on top of that emotional and physical abuse

This was a beautifully told story. I believe your obsession with Meryl is called limerence. I used to have obsessions with people that I scarcely knew but I would fall deeply in love with them and feel like I needed to be with them to feel whole. Limerence is common with children who have suffered abandonment as we have 💜 much love to you on your healing journey.

Wow, that was a lot to unpack.. Really got me thinking.. As it relates to childhood trauma, the issue is that it regressed us to our child state, you can't "outgrow" it. If you haven't done so already, I suggest you check out stuff about "self parenting"

Holy shit, this video was absolutely wonderful. It truly felt like going on an adventure, as I like to say, a "rollercoaster of emotions". I was fighting to contain my laughter (it's 3am rn) and extremely amused at some parts, but also found other segments incredibly gut-wrenching and emotional. I can only thank you for sharing this deep and vulnerable tale. Can't really add anything to it, can't say I find it super relatable but I felt that shit. I do think I have both mommy issues and daddy issues (as a dude lol) as well as a myriad of other issues but I can't trace such a clear narrative like you, not sure if due to me currently being an unexperienced storyteller, my issues being an amalgamation of many different categories of issues, and me not being great with reflecting about myself until relatively recently and also probably still afraid to explore them. I would punctualize though without any intention of downplaying your story in any way, that even tho I don't claim it is an easy thing to share by any means, it being a non-sexual obsession has at least some shareability going for it though.

You are a gifted storyteller! Love the long videos❤️

It’s killing me you called them Feodorovna 😂 but great video

I started to tear up when you were recalling how people played the prank. I think I’m relating to your teenage, lonely self. I also relate to what you said about imagining yourself being there for a mother figure. My dad had a lung condition and received palliative care at home for a year before he died but we were unable to be there in the moments just before he died ( we didn’t get to the hospital quick enough). I fantasise about looking after old men and have considered working in the care profession so I can look after them. The only thing that’s stopped me is the worry that I will get too attached and not cope if the old men I get attached to get ill and pass on.

I would literally watch a 2 hour video of yours. Loved this.

Hey, just found your channel and have been binge watching. I shed a tear at this one because I really do relate. I adore my mother more than any other in the world, and I always knew objectively that she loved me, but I never felt it. She was often very closed off and cold, I don't really remember receiving hugs or much validation from her, even to this day. She's a nurse and I ended up following a similar route, I work in a care home for the elderly where she once worked and I feel that in a roundabout way I chose this path to somehow gain more affection and acceptance from her. Ultimately, ever since school I was always gagging for the older women's attention (teachers to colleagues) and for me, this would manifest purely platonically in most cases, but in other cases romantically. Which obviously, similar to you, lead to a lot of rejections and awkward situations.. My mother was also divorced from dad from an early age, and my dad found a 'new family' and I became the black sheep. I don't look back on my childhood with fondness, I felt alone every day of my life and to be honest I still do, and that's most likely why I haven't found romantic success and probably won't for a long long time. These sorts of issues are very serious and impact cognitive and social function in profound ways that nobody can know, but ourselves.

I'm sort of speechless. This is one of if not the most moving story I've ever heard. It is so honest and raw. I was 5 when Mamma Mia came out and I can sort of understand and contextualise the way you feel about Meryl Streep, maybe because I recognised one or two of the things you described. But wow, such an amazing piece.

I actually find it a beautiful thing that as a child you found what you needed in a mother figure and created it for yourself through fantasy. I am glad it's one of the experiences that has brought you to where you are now. Thank you so much for sharing. I just found your videos and love your style, your pace, and thoughtfulness. Thank you.

You are such a beautiful story teller, this is the most vulnerable and personal thing I’ve listened to in a long time- our stories are so extremely different yet I still relate so much

This really is my comfort channel

You, friend, have been very brave. Beautiful energy and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing this personal story. Very interesting and also psychologically relatable on many points. Keep shining❤️

This was so beautifully told. While I have not dealt with a modicum of the troubles you have regarding your relationship with your biological mother and subsequent foster mothers, my mother and I have a rather toxic dynamic that still effects my world view. I never idolized an actor, but I had an obsession with theme parks as a kid for a similar reason, specifically brochures and videos showing families having fun, and I just remember the few times I would go to theme parks on school trips I was always so severely disappointed and lonely. I've grown out of this as wel, but you never realize how intense this coveting of what seems like a fairly "normal" relationship in your life can be until you've learned to live without it.

Thank you so much for making this video and sharing your story. I have recently begun working through my own "mommy issues" and it's encouraging to know that I'm not alone. Similar to you, I have also noticed that I have a tendency to seek out relationships with older females. At the age of 24, I'm acutely aware that no one is going to step in and become the mother I always wanted, and that pain is always present.

Thank you for being so vulnerable. For our benefit and most importantly for yours.

Thanks for sharing, I also had a mother who passed away due to breast cancer and you mentioning seeing the deterioration was relatable

You deserve high praise for the calm articulation of something very personal and vulnerable to you. Having the courage to post this is beyond heroic! Salutations, Kidology!

It was healing to hear about your experience of breast cancer and I have sincere compassion for all you have been going through.

Oh, mommy issues. I have been working through some of my own in therapy lately, so I appreciate you sharing your story with us. I look forward to your next video - long or short!

I never heard anyone else relate to me in this exact way . I never hear shared experiences about lack of love from a mother and how that greatly effects a woman especially growing up in the foster system. Thank you for sharing .

I know you keep repeating your self-defensive mantra of "I don't care" [...so I might as well tell you], but I'd like to thank you for your courage of speaking about this topic anyways. You are completely putting your ideas and yourself and your trauma out there. You might not feel vulnerable, but there is a reason we all keep our walls up all the time. There are people who don't understand and will be hurtful, so it is sort of a dedication to the other portion of people who appreciate you. That is brave and I thank you. (Daddy Issues, my father was absent and no suitable replacement was found/wanted to take responsibility)

They don't go away. But it helps to talk about it. Introspection generally helps. I learned with time to deal with my issues so that I am not only functional, but in a good place in my head.

I appreciate this video so much. For the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm the only one experiencing this and feeling like a freak for it.

I want to say too that I deeply appreciate your raw honesty and vulnerability about this topic… everything you’ve shared in part 3 I found especially poignant, genuinely heartbreaking, and also somewhat comforting? I’ve struggled a bit with limerence in the past and though mine manifested a fair bit differently than yours, I find it soothing that someone else has dealt with what it feels like to so desperately long for another person… your willingness to share the most intimate aspects of what it feels like to orbit around the idea, the fantasy of someone else… I find your courage to be incredibly inspiring and thoroughly refreshing.

There have been great books on the topic of “going on with your adult life as a daughter wounded by her mother” in the past few years, such as Discovering your inner mother (Bethany Webster), Already enough (Lisa Olivera - abandoned and adopted) and The emotionally absent mother. Just putting that out there in case it can interest someone.

So sorry for what you went through!

I admire and thank you for sharing. One thing that's true is that we all, as human beings, NEED emotional closeness and secure attachments to other human beings to live, it is definitely a survival thing. I think in sharing this you made a lot of people feel less alone and I so hope it helped you too. I was sexually assaulted as a child (which took me years to even realize and admit to myself) and that experience separated me from everyone else in a way and also from reality, and I LEGITIMATELY, like deadass 😂, believed I was Harry Potter's sister and that I would go to Hogwarts eventually so everything would be fine. I mean you can imagine that didn't fly so well with my peers lol 😂😂

New subbie here. Just discovered your channel and so glad I did. Nobody speaks well anymore, that's one thing I've noted your diction is perfect. Thank you for your rare insight into life.

A very compelling honest story. Thank you for your bravery to share something so personal. Your clarity and self understanding is admirable. Length on videos is no problem for my taste.

This is her best video.

Thumbnail... storytelling... music... *chef’s kiss 💋

I’m glad you’re getting the recognition you deserve ❤️

Kidology what an amazing person you are. I'm in awe of your intelligence, your emotional processing abilities and self reflection. Thank you for sharing your powerful life story. At my age I cant share any motherly love, but here is some sisterly love from me anyways xxx I really respect and admire you. Have a lovely day.

It always makes me sad when I hear about children suffering 😔

It’s 4:30 am and I’m crying like a little girl hearing you talk about Myrel Streep. I myself have a lot of mommy issues and this hit a bit too close to home. I recently found you and I’m already in love with your videos. Thanks for doing this and sending Love your way 💜

Your are the personification of elegance, and I am beyond happy to be able to listen to you.

Long is OK, you're a good and deep story teller and keep your audience's attention. When we're not crying we're laughing.

I'm always in awe by your vulnerability on a public platform, it's a very brave thing to do! Just wanted to say that I really resonated with the part where you mentioned that you saw yourself as white. I grew up in a predominantly white private school abroad and when I came back to my home country a lot of people would say that I act/talk white (which I still get told today) and it's only recently that I have started to accept and lo e my blackness. Thanks for sharing ya part of you with us :)

Background music totally sets the vibe. Beautifully told story. 👏 Remember God is always there with you, His Word is always there to guide you, and His Spirit is always there to comfort you. 🙂🙏

That was a great essay which I definitely can relate to growing up between two households with a step-mom emotional distance and a mentally struggling birth Mom and me trying desperately to latch to a maternal figure even as an adult.

I'm so grateful for your openness. I'm going through something wholly different but I see myself in you and your story. You are a phenomenal person. I hope you get 500 K subscribers and all of the money lol.

I can relate♥️ even on the search to find a mother figure. Mine wasn't specific as yours , it was just any older woman enough to be my mother, older sister or simply knew enough to trigger admiration in me. I realise I wanted acknowledgement from them especially for my accomplishments when I needed it. Something my own withheld from me. But some either ignored or others tried to smother me into codependency where they would clip off my wings and require me to ask for their approval before making any step. And it was quite suffocating. Because eventhough a part of me is still a wounded child, the other part is a grown up adult who wants to fly and be respected. So I gave it all up, all together. For it seemed impossible to attain. But the lack of boundaries in regular relationships is still a struggle. Too much pleasing or running away to self protect.

What a fascinating and moving story. Thank you for sharing this. Seeing that you posted this 2 years ago, I'm hoping that you are gradually finding peace and acceptance from others but more importantly from yourself. You rock! With time, you will find all your answers, because you have a very insightful look at your life. I took 35 years to get over the loss of my major female figure of my childhood( I was 15, she was 26 and died unexpectedly from an anaphylactic shock). I later had another significant friendship which I guess was a continuation ( The same type of older sister vibe, long black haired with fair skin) and that one also ended in an hospital room, 25 years ago, AIDS took her). The overcoming happened in 15 MNS through touch therapy, completely by accident as I was being offered to sample various " alternative" healing techniques. I hope it doesn't take that long for you. And I imagine you must have taken therapy sessions, maybe? I imagine it can help the process although I never did. Wishing you good luck and your channel is amazing, as are you.

Nawwh this is so beautiful! So glad we share the same inspiration🤍

Thanks for your vulnerability, your story really touched me. Even though I did not experience similar things I can relate to the grief and the longing.

Thanks for sharing such a personal and touching story. Yeah life's bizarre at times, but the truth is the human experience can be really fucking weird at times, and different types of weird for different people, especially given your circumstances and the age at which your mind was so impressionable by parents/guardians/adults/society. You've made it through to the other side alive and that's what matters 👏👏

I only found your channel a couple of days ago, but I find you very intelligent and articulate, and I find myself deeply moved by the topics you discuss. To a certain extent, we are made of our scars, our past trauma, your experiences with your adoptive grandmother, your abandonment by your biological mother, many things in your life story, all though negative in themselves, have lead to the development of a very interesting and thoughtful person. For me my home represented comfort, a place to retreat to from a world outside the home which seemed to only ridicule and reject me, my mother while loving, at the same time holding me to standards I could not meet so there was the concept that I was always a disappointment. Trauma can cause growth, it can also cause festering wounds, but as I said we are all our scars, and therefore we are all a little f**ked up.

You're just crazily amazing. Loved everything about this and your last line at the end made me burst out laughing. You're such an amazingly unique individual! I'm sorry you've had such a tough life. The way you've managed to navigate the world with such grace despite difficult origins just goes to show what an amazing individual you are and will continue to be. You are shining girl and trust me when I say your channel is going to blow up. You're too much of a gem in this world for anyone to ignore.

Your story would make such a good movie. Thanks for sharing. You've really been through a lot.

I too have mommy issues. My mother, who has since died 3 years ago from kidney cancer, was abusive verbally, physically, and psychologically. I naturally gravitated to my father since he was the "better" parent (but he was an enabler). She would beat me with belts till I screamed and cried for simply failing exams, play mind games with me, and tear me down with horrible words. I wonder why she did not appreciate me. I was kind, pretty, smart, and always respectful. However, my mother was incapable of accepting me. Even if I was "perfect" it would not have been enough. Or she would have been jealous. My mother was a damaged woman who I learned was abused in her childhood, which included being abused by my grandparents. Throughout my childhood she hated my grandmother, often wishing death on her. These days, I am working on myself. I live with my father and brother for the time being. Its' an unhealthy and abusive environment however and I know that living on my own will be the best for me. I go to therapy and have been for 5 years. My father has been getting therapy for my brother and is interested in family therapy. And while that does leave me hopeful, I know that I need to focus on myself. I genuinely wish I had a mother I could rely on. However I am sure I will create motherly friends on my journey. Sitting with you xoxo