Maybe her boyfriend genuinely doesn’t understand the amount of work that goes into keeping a house clean. This happened to me when I first got married. My husband and I both worked 2 jobs and I did all the cleaning and cooking. I told him I was tired and couldn’t keep doing everything, he looked at me like what’s the big deal. He agreed to do all the cleaning and cooking for 2 weeks. I made him a list of everything I do and how often it gets done. On day 4 he admitted he had no idea how much work it was and after that he’s always been really good at sharing the responsibility. 34 years later I can say we are still happily married.
What you did is the mature thing. You approached your husband in good faith and helped him help you. The problem I see in many modern relationships is that wives want to put so little effort into actually relating to their husband and helping him understand her needs. They expect him to just be this fantasy that she has in her mind from the start. Then she ends up resenting him when the reality (inevitably) doesn’t match the fantasy
That is wonderful!!! ❤ I'm so happy for you and that your husband stepped up for 2 weeks to see how it is and humbled himself enough to be realistic and honest. Bravo to you both!!
Dawn; That is beautiful. Most males think housework is no big deal. It all happens by magic. Then add a kid or two and they still think, stay home moms, sit on couch and eat bon bon's...lol
It’s like he’s a psychic, he can read the mind and motives of a man he’s never met after talking to this woman for five minutes. Awesome. Must be those two PhD’s.
oh god this is so relatable. my ex used to make good money and work 2 hours a day because he had a team of students he made do all the work and he just managed them. i at the time would work 8 to 8 and sometimes only get paid for 3 hours of all that time and he used to say 'well you make less monetarily, even though it takes all of your time, so compensate with the housework'.
Oh girl. I was in a similar situation. So was my bestie. So many women end up here. My partner was not interested in how I felt, and he was not interested in the things that bring me peace. This became a huge problem because I have treatment resistant depression. I'm in my 40s now, and I know how to manage my disease. But it takes routine and systems. I even kept my home a particular way because my therapist recommended it, right down to what colors I'd allow. I used to have this wine red color scheme, and he told me to surround myself in blues and yellows instead. Happy colors. What a difference that made! He said, "Find and create joy in your space however you can." So I did. Then my partner moved in, I invited him, and what a mistake. Over the course of 3 years (together for 5), he erased me and everything I was doing to stay well. So it was no surprise when I relapsed last year and went off the deep end. He worked full time, he's in construction, but he was a manager. So he'd do all his work from home and most of it was just managing emails and taking calls and scheduling crews. Most days, not kidding, he would sit on the sofa and play video games and binge YT in between calls. I also worked from home, but I was like you. I worked on a business 9-5, then tutored kids until 8 or 9pm. Long days. And that man would have the audacity to ask me nearly everyday, "What's for lunch?" "What's for dinner?" Did he offer to make me food during my crazy hectic work days? Did he think, "Huh. I'm just playing video games. I have time on my hands. She's clearly swamped. I can make lunch for her." NOPE. I was basically just a replacement for his mom. That dude? He's FIFTY. And he'd complain endlessly about my work schedule. I left once i realized I was dating a frat boy who never emotionally matured who was stuck in a middle aged body.
Alright throwing myself out there with this comment... What if I have the same problem as the boyfriend, but I genuinely want to work on it? I've always struggled with cleanliness and routine but the girl I met and am so lucky to have my life with today ends up picking up a lot of the slack which I think is unfair to her and puts a strain on the relationship. We sit in a mess that I ought to at the very least be helping with if not taking care of. Often times I just feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start, or I feel like I do things the wrong way and get frustrated really quickly, or do things in an inefficient way and take too long or get sidetracked. My girlfriend and I both work long shifts on the weekends, and have four days off during the week (the same days) where we could be getting things done, but plans to make it happen seem to fall apart. I care a lot, and I do want to do something about it, but I've got very little evidence to support that claim, and I don't want to take so long figuring it out that my girlfriend gives up on me. I care to try and learn how to do these things I just don't know how yet. I don't know if you'll see this but any advice is appreciated!
I struggle with cleaning. Can you commit to working on it for at least an hour a day, on your off days? Just do an hour. Then do something you like for about 15-20 minutes. Repeat as needed, but this is too big a sandwich to eat in one bite. Hope that helps.
I struggle with cleaning, too. Do an hour of cleaning every off day. After an hour, give yourself a reward-a nice coffee, a little tv or a short game. When that becomes more routinized, start doing a second clean & goof off cycle every off day. Putting on music might help. Just a suggestion.
Idk man…giving your BF an ultimatum on how he should clean his house that you’re staying in for free seems kinda insane to me lol. Her BF treats her well (her words) and pays all the bills, but somehow we landed on her doesn’t care about her b/c he’s not as clean as her and he doesn’t want to pay for a maid. If it’s that big of a deal, caller should just pay for the maid herself. If she’s she’s stressed now…imagine how stressed she’d be if she had to pay bills 😂
Getting an MBA has an end date. Just do the best you can until you finish school. It isn't that serious. Pay someone for 2 years and then cut it off. Money is meant to be spent to enjoy life.
It’s his house, he pays all the bills and they aren’t married. Since she has a job, she could get her own place and keep it as clean as she wants it. Quite sure his house was dirty when they started dating. She just overlooked it. The simple solution is to move out.
I KNEW we were going to get the “playing house” line from Dr. John eventually, as though somehow this guy would have done more chores if they’d gotten married before living together. But actually this is exactly what you get a chance to learn about someone by living together before marriage. I’m so glad my wife and I “played house” first.
if someone doesnt clean their own house when they live alone, being shocked when they still dont want to clean when you move in is insane. When dating it is so obvious that someone is not responsible. Things become more heightened and people cant run from the signs they were ignoring when living together. A lot of people know enough that the relationship isnt ready for marriage - it is those subconcious signals but dont put enough care when deciding to move in
I'm sorry, I dig Delony most of the time. But I love how he breezes over, "He pays for everything." A perspective that could only come from the well off/rich.
@@wendypeeters7656 How is she entitled? 1) she lives rent-free in her boyfriend’s house. 2) her boyfriend pays all the bills. 3) she said her boyfriend does clean... but he doesn’t “deep clean” the way she wants. 4) she’s upset that HE won’t pay for a maid. 5) she says her boyfriend treats her well and is very sweet - yet she is speaking poorly of him and allowing John to as well. 6) her boyfriend also works full time, and financially supports her (where is HER paycheck going?) - she is his dependent. She’s dead weight and women like this do not make good wives or mothers.
@@katiejon17 1 She works 2 She study 3 He doesent do clearing ( when you listen good he doesent do anything) 4 He only playing games 5 If the things were reversed nobody says anything 6 He is not into her otherwise he would have helped her
I understand that when she says “he pays all the bills” she means he coordinates the payments. She works full time and he doesn’t want her to hire a cleaning service?
Girl is setting herself up for a miserable life. Typical story of a man who won’t help with the house, the kids, etc. She’ll be overworked and lose attraction for him. No more intimacy. He’ll cheat. Divorce.
@@ozzycortes there was a study done that showed women don’t feel attracted to people they have to take care of (aka children). It’s in our biology. It starts with a man being a partner and not a child to her. Attraction starts with the man and his actions.
Imagine if this guy is wonderful on all fronts but isnt a clean nut. Im sure she isnt perfect in all areas. JD compares it to violence and infidelity. So melodramatic.
I remember one time, when my husband and i were dating, i had told him that I was so stressed out and i had to wake up in the morning to clean the kitchen. When i got up the next day, he had snuck in and deep cleaned the whole kitchen. 😢
Gender doesn’t matter, but if your gf or bf takes you for granted, it’s time for you to cut ties with him or her. Dating and marriage are team efforts, and you don’t need one party making you a slave and making you do everything. Dr. John is really awesome for being blunt and helping people realize that they’re stuck in deep predicaments. Also, Dr. John needs to hire mods to weed out the trolling redpill kids from his comment section. The comments are giving people cancer.
This caller takes her boyfriend for granted. He pays all the bills. He cleans. She’s upset that he doesn’t “deep clean”. She’s upset that HE won’t pay for a maid. And she is speaking poorly about him, and allowing John to as well. Boyfriend needs to kick her out and she can support herself from now on.
This ended up being a weird call and the title the crew gave this episode was unnecessarily dramatic. Her life is not a mess at all in fact to me she sounded like a sharp kid who is very much on the right track in life. Didn't seem like there was even any major psychological issue happening that she needed help from a therapist but then Dr John as much as I think he's awesome started reading into her situation trying to convince her that there's something deeper going on but everywhere he went with that she wasn't feeling it and from her tone I actually believe her in this case. Lol this entire phone call could've been resolved with her and her boyfriend splitting the cost of hiring a housekeeper once or twice a month it's not even really that expensive but it sounds like the boyfriend doesn't want to put any money towards that so if anything one of the takeaways is that the boyfriend sounds like he could be cheap which is a quality that doesn't bode well for doing life with somebody. Nothing to see here. Hire a housekeeper - problem solved.
Why are you staying with a man you're not married with??? You'll be much happier staying alone. Your life is too hectic to be inviting stress in your life. Focus on your priorities Hayley .
She’s kind of a dirtbag. He pays for everything, so she is getting a free ride. She says he cleans. But he doesn’t “deep clean”, and she’s upset that HE won’t pay for a maid. She says he’s sweet, and treats her well. They aren’t even married, and he’s doing all of this for her. And she’s here complaining about him and allowing John to talk poorly about him. Boyfriend needs to dump her and find a good woman.
John seemed to want to throw the baby out with the bath water. Declutter your house, robot vacuum and house cleaner. If he doesn’t want to hire one, do it anyway.
Every wants a golden retriever boyfriend until they get overweight and less cute. Not defending a lazy partner but if you selected for fun, what should you expect... disc golf 👀
@@bwilli301 He contributes by giving her a place to live (she said he has his own place ) and paying all the bills. The place is apparently clean enough for the person who owns it so if it isn't clean enough for the person who is living at someone else's place, it is up to her to clean it. That is what she called asking about until he turned the call around to focus on the boyfriend not wanting to clean his own place.
If he pays everything in order to make her shut up, maybe HE should leave, find another woman and throw her some money to buy her and her silence. "Put up or shut up"? Wow, your significant other must be very lucky to have you
Maybe he doesn't see the need to clean as much as her, because hes happy to love with more clutter. Maybe he isnt stressed after work because he isnt chasing an MBA. Is it posdible for John to have a single call with a woman where he doesn't put the blame for her choices on the guy?
This makes me SO ANGRY😡 Why are women expected to do EVERYTHING?! Why are we expected to work full time AND do all the housework?! Men work full time and they don’t feel obligated to do anything more than that.. meanwhile women work full time and are expected to cook dinner every night and keep all the housework done.. when did this happen?! It’s absolutely outrageous 😡😡😡😡😡😡
She's not expected to work full time. She lives there for free. If she lived on her own all the same things would be expected of her, only then she'd have way less money cause shed be spending it herself on bills
This lady didn't need to call. Completely unnecessary. And Dr. John is over analyzing this. Men being lazy in certain house chores is not uncommon. It means nothing.
@@ptrpan61he’s just one of the usual five incels who hide out in his channel and diss him whenever he calls out men (and conveniently ignores things whenever he calls out women)
Ok, this is by far the dumbest advice I have ever heard from John. Instead of focusing on her "I want more, more, more" , he is focusing on the fact that the boyfriend doesn't want to get dragged into this perpetual hamster wheel, and he is happy to where he is in life. She sounds like the type of woman that will never be satisfied.
It's his house though. He's literally playing for everything, she should be taking on the household chores if she's not paying any other living expenses
@@tshep7031 if it were me, I would separate myself. Just because he pays for everything doesn’t mean he don’t have to lift a finger around the house. He can help clean up too.
@@squeaky822 she described the stuff she's having trouble with as "deep cleaning". It's not that he doesn't do the dishes, clean up a mess he made, or basic things like that. It's the dusting and window cleaning and stuff like that that is less important and less frequent that he isn't doing. Everyone keeps describing him like he's a lazy slob and I just don't think that's true. She never describes him as a messy or disrespectful person. He pays for everything else. She cares about the extra cleaning chores getting done while he views them as more optional, because many of them are. If she wants her house to be at that standard and she currently pays nothing towards it, then it is absolutely on her to pay to get the house to what she wants or do it herself. I agree, she can leave if she wants, but she will have the exact same issues living alone that she does living there. She would still struggle on time because she'd still have to go to work, school, and do all the cleaning herself. Only then she'd have less money also because she'd have to pay for her living expenses too. If she wants to split chores, she should split expenses. That's hoe things work in every other living agreement. Why does she deserve free housing and also no unique responsibilities to the household? Nobody else gets that deal except sometimes children, which she is not.
I guess I don't get why he wont let her hire a cleaner? Especially if they can afford it, that seems to completely fix the problem??? "he plays a lot of video games too" lol yikes
Because she's asking him to pay the cleaner. If she paid a cleaner herself I doubt he'd care at all. It's not something he cares enough about to pay out of his own pocket. She clearly cares a lot, and he pays for everything else, so she should be the one hiring or managing the cleaning
Okay so watch more like “I just relapsed and I don’t know what to do” (June 11, 2024) or “No one knows I’m deeply depressed” (April 2nd, 2024) where John literally saved a man’s life on air. Then come back and continue your little narrative of “John loves to tear down men on his show” couldn’t be further from the truth. He only calls out BS when he sees it. This bf is lazy, plays video games, and is a slob. She just didn’t want to hear the truth!
@@flashthecorgi2053how is he "lazy" if he has a full-time job and is PAYING ALL THE BILLS? you expect way, way too much and its why so many end up single and childless in your 30s
HES PAYING FOR HER HOUSING! John you're giving terrible advice. He's her money bag. Let her "deep clean" Let her find motivation. Let her delay gratification and Be An Adult
He was not, he was saying the truth the whole time. She just doesn’t want to see it. He’s lazy, plays video games, and doesn’t clean the house while she is super stressed and he isn’t interested in fixing the problem. She wouldn’t have called Dr. John if she was at peace with how the situation was being handled and Delony knew that. He was calling a spade a spade and she was pushing back on that!
@@flashthecorgi2053He’s one of the few incels who use anonymous accounts to attack Dr. John whenever he calls out men. Social media is ruining people lol
So here's the life example of a similar situation. I supported my husband to get through his studying, did all of our chores, cooked, cleaned, and covered all of our bills. Once it was my time to invest some time in my career, he disappeared on me. Now that i look back, supporting your other half was never his thing. It was not just about letting me concentrate on studying. It was about EVERYTHING, I just happened to ignore all those things for years. The result is, we're not together anymore. Im raising our kids myself, covering all of their activities and household expenses. In other words, dont ignore little things. That's just the beginning of more troubles to come.
My sister is doing all this for her boyfriend. My mother and I worry everyday that the same will happen to her, where he will leave her for another woman despite all this effort. People often take others for granted. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you’ll be ok.
@Prismalpink he didn't leave for another woman. His overall emotional and physical absence in our lives made me miserable. I asked him to leave. Took me years to realize it's worthless. You and your mom should find a way to point it out to her in the most gentle way, so she knows she can rely on you and know she's not alone.
They are not married, so why does he get a vote on whether she can pay someone to do some house cleaning, or anything else for that matter? She is making excuses for him. They are playing house, and he is not really committed to her. Commitment looks like, "Wil you be my wife?" That he pays the bills is irrelevant. They aren't on the same page with finances. He is not husband material and therefore not someone she should be living with. But, they shouldn't be living together in the first place.
@@jeannet7443 It is completely relevant that when you life with someone in a house that they own and pay the bills for, that you do not have a say in how clean the house is. You also don't get a say in whether a cleaning person is allowed into the house. It is their property, not yours.
She’s working full time and working on a master’s degree. There just aren’t enough hours in the day and then to keep a spotless house on top of it. We all only have so many productive hours in a day and when you are that busy, you have to prioritize what’s most important. House will have to wait
Yup, and like the guy doesn't clean because he's happy to live with clutter. She's a guy that he has different standards than him, but why is it his responsibility to meet her standards and not the opposite?
@@martusia4594 1 she never said garbage, and 2, it's his home, too. If it doesn't bother him, why does he have to clean it? They are not married. John's wanting her to control this guy when they're not even married.
Hi Hailey! Dr. John gives great professional advice, but I resonated with your call and wanted to give you my experience and what worked for me and my husband (we dated for 6 years during undergrad and my grad school days - so similar to your situation) and we've been married for almost 7 years now with 2 kids, one dog, and two full time jobs. Hire the house cleaning service. You can always cancel it. My husband was hesitant at first but quickly saw the value in it. During weeks the laundry piles up we take it to a wash and fold laundry service. It's amazing how even with outsourcing there is always more to do! There is nothing wrong with building in margin to play video games, exercise and relax during busy seasons of life. Also, this change literally solved our problem of feeling overstretched. The problem wasn't any deeper lol. Maybe it is - I'm not a professional - but what we're doing is working for us. Hope you guys work it out and good luck in grad school!
Landscape architects, artists, arborists and all that over here. Family business, work for ourselves, taught ourselves, no crippling loan debt. It’s sad how people have been conditioned to be a degree holding debt slave so they can feel validation. I’ve noticed in life, the true masters of their craft are usually self taught. She’d make more money on her own with good work ethic.
Being in a relationship is a give and take. If one person is only giving and the other is only taking, it's a one-sided relationship. I went through my undergrad and grad program doing everything on my own, I cooked and cleaned every single day and my ex couldn't even take out the trash. Take it from me - don't settle with less than EQUAL. When someone is making you do all the work, it means they don't respect your time as much as they respect their own.
@@yambagnelson9987 Sure, depends on their circumstances and agreement. There should always be an agreement on expectations and responsibilities should be equal.
Exactly. My first marriage (14 years) was unequal, and he loved it that way~ I was in a living hell. My marriage now? Completely equal! We are egalitarians and it's easy and delightful~ we are always checking in with one another to make sure we both feel like neither of us are being taken advantage of. ❤
My parents were both college proffs. The ONLY time either one said the, ‘P-word’ (proud) was when (you guessed it!) I was going to (their reality) college. Wishing you the best. Your heart knows what’s right for you! 💖
@@actuallyterry I felt it was conditional love & it set me up to selling out my authenticity, gifts & path to please them because me pleasing my parents was how I learned to feel safe. Once I understood this, I became the rebel-black sheep of the family by being myself. But, I love who I am & well, my parents will be ok. 💖
Thank you! I am a SAHM (former RN) - and I want so badly for this boyfriend to realize that he is doing all the right things: he’s supportive, he cleans (she said it... but doesn’t “deep clean”), and she’s upset that HE won’t pay for a maid. He has all the indicators of being a great husband and father - and she’s got nothing of a good wife and mother in her. I hope he cuts the dead weight (HER), and goes to find a good woman who will appreciate him.
Don't like the way John handled this at all. He goes out of his way to convince her the BF is a bum and doesn't care about her (without having heard from the BF). I guess driving a wedge between the couple and destroying a relationship is OK as long as it gives him youtube fodder.
A good therapist impartially listens to a person and helps them discover their own conclusions. John likes to impose his own emotional complexes/biases/narratives onto a strangers situation after being told minimal information and then convince them he’s right
Free rent. Boyfriend pays for everything. Her income is her income. Upset that boyfriend won’t pay for a maid. Choosing to go back to school. She’s the creator of the entire situation. If her boyfriend has any brains, he’s going to dump her and move on. She’s absolutely an entitled jerk.
We don't know whose house they live in. She said he has his own place. Also, she was pretty clear about paying for the help together (split the cost), but he doesn't want to. That sounds like they're probably splitting all or most bills. She's working her behind off to make more money for the future (she is not milking him). It sounds like he doesn't care about the state of the home. She does. Because he doesn't care, even though he contributes half (at least) in making a mess and dirtying up the place, he wants her alone to do that part. If he lived alone, he would probably simply be a total slob. Unless another girlfriend, mom or a cleaning lady--but he won't pay for either--does it. In other words, he's acting like a boy, a smart teenager, and not like a grown man willing to take and split responsibilities. But in essence, he (his behavior ) is saying that he doesn't care about how she feels, or about wear and tear on her body and psyche.
I have been married 36 yrs have 2 daughters and i was a stay at home mom, and now im a stay at home wife. My husband works 12 hours a day and shift work , in a furnace. It's hard hot and tiring. But he even tells me he doesnt know how i do it all. Its because ive been doing it for 36 yrs. My job hasnt changed just the people i work with😅. He said he'd rather work than do my job. I did work jobs to bring in money when times were tight. I did like working outside the home. I cannot do both. Id rather do my job than do what he does. 180 to 300 degrees everyday. No thanks. We're happy. We respect eachothers positions.
I’m also a SAHM. This caller is getting a free ride from a BOYFRIEND, choosing to go back to school, and complaining that she has to clean 🙄 She’s best suited for that single life. And I truly hope this man cuts his losses and goes to find a better woman. He is literally financially supporting her and she’s upset that while does clean, it’s not “deep cleaning”, and he won’t pay for a maid.
Disagree with Dr John on this one. She said he paid all the bills and treats her right. Seriously? WTH are you complaining about ? My suggestion is take one room a day every other day even . Housework won’t go anywhere . And also if he pays all the bills and you said you make good money then go ahead and pay for someone with the money you make .
They aren’t equally matched. He is husband and father material. And she is selfish and entitled. She is getting the better deal my leaps and bounds - and still complains about it. I hope he leaves her and moves on.
@@deirdrekiely6187 I am dead serious. According to this caller, her boyfriend: 1) pays every dang bill 2) she gets a free ride 3) he does clean, but not “deep” clean (I’ve never met a man who does). 4) he’s sweet and treats her well 5) she wants HIM to pay for a housekeeper 6) despite her having a full time job and paying none of the bills, she refuses to pay for the housekeeper she wants 7) he works full time - he can play video games when he’s home You modern women are your own crown of thorns. No man wants you anymore. You are not capable of collaborating or compromise.
Eve worse - she said he cleans, but he doesn’t “deep clean”, and she’s upset that HE won’t pay for a maid. I am saying this as a wife - I hope that he breaks-up with her and kicks her out. She is selfish and entitled. Can you imagine what kind of job this man might have?! And he wants to come home and relax - and his dependent is like THIS?! She’s shameless.
@@katiejon17 He wants to come home and relax sure. But I would imagine she wants to do the same. If the bf is not requiring the deep cleaning then I wouldnt do the deep cleaning if I were her.
@@noorzanayasmin7806 she chooses to go to grad school after her full time job. Fine - but she also seems to then believe that it’s her boyfriends job to pick-up her slack. She is even paying any bills, yet wants HIM to pay for a maid?! He is made for a better woman. And she has “broken-home” written all over her.
"He pays all the bills and takes care of me" and you live in his house, apparently rent- free. Then use your own funds to hire a cleaner and order takeout meals. Stop acting like a petulant entitled teen, grow up and take some adult responsibility for your share of the household costs.
What ever happened to not talking bad about someone because "they aren't on the phone with us right now"? Impressive how quickly Dr. John was able to trash this guy in only 12 minutes without ever speaking to him or getting his side of the story!
As he pays all of the bills (as she admitted) maybe it isn't in the budget. Who knows. She should more clearly communicate this need to him (and sounds like she will do so going forward) and they should come to a resolution. Always 2 sides to a story. Wish we could have heard his side, and wish her mic wouldn't have been cut off for the last 2 minutes of the call.
Agreed, I was disgusted with John on this call. He compare this guy to domestic abuser for gaming. He immediately decided this wasn't just about a messy home, and instead, she had to be a traumatised child. He didn't explain how they could discuss their different opinions like adults, but instead how she dhould treat this guy like a child. Do better, John.
He does this all the time. It’s not only sick, but it’s malicious. He pulls horrible things out of his a$$ and says pretty disgusting things about someone not even in the equation. She’s not even making these claims about the guy, but when she tries to correct John, he just pushes more. This is her BOYFRIEND! Not her husband. And men and women also have completely different standards for what constitutes a “clean” home. She even said he cleans, but he doesn’t DEEP clean. If I skied my husband what he thinks “deep cleaning” is, he’d have no clue. John makes every call more chaotic and dramatic than they are. HE’S the one who needs mental health help.
Hiring someone to help clean does not change the fact that he doesn’t care about what brings her peace and being there for her. Don’t put a House Keeper on the table run from this guy.
Did y’all miss the part where she didn’t have a conversion about how dirty they house is. We’ve all walked into people’s houses and noticed how messy it and they are ok with it. He probably think the house is clean enough. She needs to have an adult conversations with the man.
Well, it goes both ways. He doesn't want to clean. Why does he have to clean when she doesn't want to clean? They need to throw money at it. Get a house cleaner 1 or 2 a month.
Take your shoes off when you come in the house. Get a robot vacuum. That is what my daughter did. She has her house decluttered. If you don't need it; get rid of it.
That is a good suggestion, but she still has to seriously consider her relationship and how much she's willing to put up with. If she marries him and has kids with him, it's on a whole other level and her life will be miserable and she will be resentful if he leaves her to do the bulk of everything.
I love my robot vaccume. I was hesitant at first but it’s awesome. I agree. If you haven’t needed it in a year, it’s probably of to throw it out. I did exactly what your daughter did and it’s so much easier.
I think you missed the point...why is it HER responsibility for the domestic part of the relationship? Why doesn't he care that she's burnt out? He's doing the bare minimum because he can get away with it. If she didn't live there with him he'd have to do ALL of those chores himself or pay someone to do it. Just because she has a uterus doesn't mean that he abdicates all of the domestic work to her.
I have a feeling some of this has to do with different ideas of "clean" and when something is disturbingly dirty. My wife doesnt see messes the same way I do, and I know I see messes different from many other people. Some of this could be "girl wants me to dust ceiling fans, and to me they arent dirty till i can see a dust bunny, if she wants to do it every Saturday more power to her" while she is thinking "I cant feel like im allowed to relax till the weekly dusting is done, why is this lazy bum avoiding doing reasonable housework?"
Yeah, typically in hetero relationships the women have higher cleanliness standards (probably they were raised with the expectation of needing to run a household), but it can be the man too. My dad does more tidying up and cleaning than my mom, I'm afraid of what will happen to the house if he dies first. In her case I think it's lack of energy due to depression.
John lost ALOT of my respect from this call. John has become such a simp and thinks the man should completely give total control to these modern women who can’t even cook a meal.
She says nothing and another things that happens with woman ALL the time is that cleaning needs to be done this way or it’s wrong. If you don’t fold this way it’s wrong if you don’t load the dishwasher it’s wrong. And Dr Delony gaslights people into thinking their partners are to blame when many times they’re more to blame.
Exactly! John is making it worse than it has to be. It seems like she’s looking for a fight plus when he asked her have y’all sat down and had a serious talk about she said no. He’s probably think the house is clean enough for our standards, I’m paying all the bills, and I do some choirs. He’s probably thinking he’s pulling his fair share of the weight in the relationship. On top of that John is over here just shaming the man for his hobbies. This was such a waste of a call
Typical John take. He’s got this ego that he’s this amazing therapist so he can make these wild predictions about the callers relationship dynamics that are invisible to them. When really he’s just projecting his own bias onto the callers story without actually knowing the truth then trying to convince the caller he’s right
@@royh2618 Right?! Seriously, sometimes I think he makes it worse than what it really is. And how many break ups or fights has he caused just by planting that little seed of doubt? Sometimes you just have to choose your battles. It’s not worth the stress! I wish her issue was my biggest household issue. 😂
She didn’t mention he pays ALL the bills right away 😂 If he is one other the many men who think that’s all they need to bring to their family then just let him go now and save yourself the divorce drama later. Delony is a bit intense in this call but he’s right. This man does not make her happy and a marriage and kids won’t make that better.
I’m a mom of 2 and I just got a masters in medical science, and I’m currently studying for the mcat. Everyday I do a “power hour” and I try to accomplish as many household tasks in that hour and whatever I don’t, just isn’t important at that moment and I save it for another time. The house isn’t a mess and everyone eats cooked meals everyday so I guess it’s working lol. My husband is also very helpful around the house so that helps immensely too.
"My husband is also very helpful around the house"..He lives there, he should be. But I know what you mean. (No offense intended by the beginning of my comment. It is just sad that this is still being uttered in 2024).
@@_smartyshorts I am saying that his "helping" is not helping--it is participating in a household! He lives there and also contributes to things getting dirty, laundry accumulating, etc. SAHMs are not robots and should not be on the clock 24/7.
Whoa! Dr. John, your example of one partner building a life together and the other partner enjoying a roommate he can sleep with is way too INSANELY spot on!
after my husband passed away 15 years ago wanted to have a new relationship. ive had several short term relationships in my age grup, over 60. ive always strived to build a 'relationship'. Little did i understand at the time the man had no intention of building anything with me. other than short term
And the reality is the complete opposite. He pays all the bills, she gets a free ride. He does clean, just not up to her standard. She wants a housekeeper, but wants HIM to pay for it. She is the piece of 💩, not him.
@@KiltBill2 🤣 “dear John Bologna... my boyfriend pays all my bills, keeps a roof over my head, lets me use my own income on whatever I want. He’s sweet and treats me well, he even cleans - but not good enough for my liking... and he refuses to pay for a maid on top of all the bills he alone pays. What an absolute jerk!” Dr. Bologna: “let me clarify this situation: you must be traumatized by your childhood, your boyfriend does absolutely nothing for you, you don’t deserve this”. 🤣
@@katiejon17 yeah, I've never been as disgusted with John as I was on this call. Must have been a slow day (or his wife cucked him again) because he was desperate for this to be more than just 2 people having different cleanliness standards. And TBF, I dint think she really bad mouthed her BF beyond that.
They do not change after marriage if this the thought process you'll be just taking care of an extra child Him and have to do all the chores yourself plus household if you do end up getting that farm!!
poor Hayley was not expecting the direction that call took, dr. john went in with no mercy lol (also i feel like he was 100% hitting the nail on the head with everything he said)
Had the same problem...but be warned 1 week later after completing my MBA, I was informed he would rather to end things. So focus on your studies. Get out if necessary as you are not married. An unsupportive BF will not become a supportive Husband.
How is he “an unsupportive BF” if he pays for everything? She even admits that he does indeed clean... he just doesn’t “deep clean” up to her standards. And she’s upset that HE won’t pay for a maid. She’s the dirtbag here. And this man is going to realize that and dump her.
Have you talked to him and said you need some help and asked him if he would take laundry, dishes and vacuuming? Men work well with a task list. We don’t do well with things they don’t see. John has even said he didn’t see the mess in his own house. If he says no, then let’s split a housekeeper.
@@queenbeemo42, true. But I think she’s going to have to revisit the topic in a reframed format. Guys are dumb and don’t see the mess around them in their 20s or whatever. We get a little better in our 30s sometimes. But she has a need for more sanity and quality time. So, how does she get there? I mean, she’s not going anywhere. She said he pays the bills, and she’s in grad school. She’s not going to find a deal like that anywhere else.
A lot of these videos I love...this one feels extremely weird. Like the dude could clean, yes. Its worth a conversation between her and her bf because she even said they haven't talked about that yet... but to sit here and bash the bf every time is weird. Even when she tries to talk sweet about him, John bashes the man. Lately i've seen this trend... I don't wanna unsub but I'm definitely close lol
No not necessary he may not realize how much work cleaning is. When I first got married we both worked 2 jobs and I did all the cleaning and cooking. When I realized I can’t do everything I talked to my husband and he agreed to do everything for 2 weeks. I made a list of everything I do and how often it gets done. On the 4th day he told me he had no idea how much work cleaning and cooking is. After that he’s always been great about doing his part.
I'm kinda shocked that John is honing in on "the lazy boyfriend" (who has a full-time, well-paying job by the way) instead of pushing back on the caller's warped perception of what she needs to be happy in life. She admits that she is only getting the Master's degree for the money and that "she needs more land and more things". That isn't the path to true happiness and John knows it. What I do agree with is that the caller and her boyfriend clearly have different values and won't last if they can't come to an agreement about what they want in life. What I would say to the boyfriend, though, is that if he really wants to stay with this girl, he should pay for a housekeeper. To say that you don't want to spend the money on something she wants when you have plenty of money to do so is pretty lame.
...she can at least hire a maid since she doesn’t do anything else. Her boyfriend pays all the bills and she is his financial dependent. So yeah - this woman is real piece of work.
I've known women with full-time jobs, kids, husband and getting a master's degree. Hire a housekeeper and enjoy your time when you can. John's right because if the bf cared at all, he would at least hire a housekeeper or someone to clean the house regularly. It doesn't cost much.
Lets hire househelp, OR im just not going to have time or energy for sex........because eventually. That is whats going to happen.exhaustion settles in, along with resentment, intimacy stops, relationship falls apart. But thats ok, he still has his games🙄🎉
I think Dr. John is really good most of the time, and I get that he has limited time in a phone call. However, in this case he went straight to your BF is a bum. Like Jesus! If I was her boyfriend, and heard this call, I would be scared if she ever got a therapist for anything. I would always be wondering if her therapist is making huge leaps in judgement about me with very little information to go off of.
Or, put down your precious study book and grab a dust pan. Why is the importance on everything she wants? I'm sure he's tired too, and he's carrying them financially. Education becomes this sacred cow to people. These are all her choices.
No one is perfect. No one comes in with a playback of how to be in a relationship. It takes practice. Also no one is a mind reader ladies. Both sexes need to have conversations that can be uncomfortable. As a boy mom & one who is already an adult. I know I've raised a gentleman who does help. But have also taught him it's a give & take and to not settle for a woman who expects him to do all the "dirty work". Some people are better at cleaning while others are better at cooking etc. What works for one couple may not work for another. Find your own, healthy balances.
Oh so he won’t help her, and he also won’t let her pay to get someone to help her ? Drop him man, that dude is acting useless. If you guys make money, and he’s too lazy to help, the least he can do is not guilt you for paying for a little bit of help
@@BirdDogey1 He was also a licensed professional counselor in the state of TX. The only reason HE CHOSE NOT to get licensed in the state of TN was to avoid their stupid regulations. BUT John went through the full counseling practicum and had real clients. In fact, he’s had his practicum supervisor on the show Dr. Michael Gomez!
@@BirdDogey1 Right but he is a trained, credentialed counselor. He’s been through years of training and education. He taught graduate counseling classes to people who were becoming licensed counselors which means he had to walk that road himself. So he is not far from a counselor, he IS a counselor just not licensed currently!
