Amen. I married a man-child attached to his mother. She was his first wife.... For two years I could not understand why my husband would shout at me when I made a simple request, such as "Please take out the trash." And then I started piecing the stories of my husband getting into arguments with my MIL because she wanted to rule his decisions. I realized he was yelling at me the way he does her. I was just his mother.... So now our marriage is dead because of him.
Most men won't yell at her or stand up to her.. They do that to the spouse. We got into a disagreement and he started accusing me of things she does. I was like hold up I've never said any of those things. That's your mom your angry at for saying those things or trying to control you.. Because a lot of them love her but hate her so they won't confront her because they " feel bad, she's their mom".
YES! This occurred with my Nex of 23 years. Father left at 5 and she treated him like a little husband. She spoiled him and excused his bad behavior by laughing it off and making excuses. He told me he could kill someone in front of her and she would say he didn't mean to do it. He was getting more and more violent during this time so I wondered if he meant me.
Yes, it's true! To one degree or another. I was sure he was treating me 2 or 3 years into the relationship in a totally unrelated way to the history of our relationship. I 'knew' it had to be about his mother, not me, as a 'replacement' for what he felt about his mother. This didn't last fortunately, as he reconciled with his mother, afterwards. But, meanwhile, I was made "to take the fall'. 😮 😢I should have run, then, but I did not. I was clueless, apart from this, so stayed another 30 plus years. I thought I might only run into something worse, & he was supporting me with our small children after I'd lost my Dad in a tragic accident @ 16. I was living with trauma 'damage control'. At that stage, I was in my early 20's. I stayed to learn a lot more things about what Covert N's are like. Hind-sight is an amazing thing, when one has real history to go by. But, toxic families are so damaging to one's children & not least of all to oneself! I wish I'd had this kind of info years ago.
He probably did l felt my ex would like to kill me but he would have made it look like an accident He was always doing really dangerous things with no regard for our safety One example he threatened our son with a stock whip because he would not crawl between the feet of our large horse that had already kicked out daughter in the face and knocked her out
I’m so glad you have brought this up, Danish! I was forced to parent my Ex from Day 1 of marriage. He did not even have basic life skills. He behaved like a whiny brat whenever his mum was around. Initially I was confused about their dynamics because I often felt like a 3rd wheel around them. She clearly favoured her daughters and scapegoated him; he would grovel for her affection and approval, yet badmouth her and lament over her neglect behind her back. I sensed that deep down he hated her unconditionally. But the act he put on in front of her was misleading. To the point where he took great pains to please her by cranking up his abuse towards my children and me whenever she visited. And whenever he lashed out, he’d accuse me of being abusive by quoting things his mother did to him!
I think that is absolutely true. One of the first things “my narc” told me about was when he was being punished by his mother around age 11-12, (and no doubt he was a handful for a mother of nine) how he stood up to her saying she would never touch him again. I think he has been paying back “Mom” ever since, and he is in his sixties now.
Confirmation to the tenth power! Years ago, I had no idea 💡 I was involved with a male narcissist. Everything now makes sense. Thanks Danish for sharing this powerful message.
I was looking for information on this very topic yesterday. My husband talks about his mother like she's a faultless saint. His father died when he was very young. She's emotionally cold. I learned, over the years, that she wasn't a good mom at all. I have come to terms with the fact that I'm a surrogate for his hatred of her. It's really unfair that I am being punished for all her neglect while she gets deified. Ain't that a bitch? I also think that this aspect of narcissism really shows how they don't see you as a person. You're just an prop to be used for the trauma theater they play out over and over. I don't want to play anymore. It's boring and exhausting.
Oh my yes. My ex hated his mother and very early in our marriage turned me into her so that he could say and do to me what he truly wanted to say and do to her but lacked the manhood to ever confront her. Even though I told him I was not his mother, his compulsion kept driving him on and was part of the reasons that I eventually left him.
My ex eas very angry with his mother because she did not protect him from his father's violence and his father's denial of his dreams My ex wanted to bash our children and when l told him he couldn't would turn on me and threaten me I felt he eas taking his anger out on us plus he fid not want his children to have a life that eas better in any way than his had been That included support from their mother opportunities for education freedom from fear and so on We all left What a relief
💯% 🎯 my man-child ex narc and his mom have a weird icky relationship. I asked him was she his biological mother bcz they acted like lovers. He is 31 but she talked about him like he was a teenager and was hostile towards me like a jealous ex girlfriend.
Plz give a solution to this if leaving is not an option. Plz plz plz. I am struggling with this. Silent treatment since 2 months bcoz of his mother. Now i decided not to give up. She feeds him daily on fone with her never ending lies
I understand how unsettling the silent treatment must be for you. Learn to ignore him and his silent treatment. Act as if it doesn't bother you at all... and slowly learn to actually be indifferent towards him. As they say fake it till you make it. Trust me the ignorance and indifference will drive him crazy. He is intentionally giving you the silent treatment coz he expects to see that reaction from you, which is his fuel. He wants to see you disturbed and frustrated. It makes him happy. But if you don't give him what he is expecting, it will make him unsettled. Work and focus on yourself. Do little things that bring you even the slighest of comfort or happiness. Stay strong. Sending you lotza strength, love, peace and prayers. God Bless You... 🫂 ❤
Mommy cannot be the bad object, that would be life threatening. That is why 'you' - the replacement mommy - is necessary. The whole reason for devaluation and discard is to change you into the bad object so the narc can give you all his shame, then he hopes to walk away 'reborn' as the good object.
Wonderful. But here's another point: My son's dad, a heavy duty narcissist that I broke up with when son was 2, told me his father ( an alcoholic nasty phys abusive narc) used to abuse everyone but moreso my son's dad. The mother, was actually a sweet woman who stayed w this bastard. But she didn't protect big Robert from the dad. He got the worse beatings. He took alot out on me VERBALLY, then stole my son, got custody because he was a cop, was v abusive to our son, son became drug addict, and it was ME with my very little money took son in to help him get off drugs! So much crap! Son still talks to the dad because kids want have hope.
That was my father for the 50 years i knew him until his death. My mother was a kind supportative bright woman. Endured his daily demeaning for 60 years. Never left him.. She was shattered and crushed. She endured and wanted justice... And he never gave it to her.. His abuse of her created great mental emotional scars in all of us children. My siblings never married. Too afraid. Im 70 years old and still struggling with the grief and depression. We were told by our mother to have compassion and understanding for he had been badly betrayed by his mother. We all endured with a very high cost. I repeated the pattern in a very short marriage of 10 mnoths late in life. And i said HELL NO. I DO NOT ENDURE and ran.
In 1973, my mom DID TRY to divorce my NPD father. The lawyer told her she can't divorce her husband just because he's mean. There were laws back then most would not believe were actually legal!
Yep, exact same with my Mom and Dad. and me. I never left, to protect my Mom. So, they are both gone now, I'm now 57, single, alone and have no life.. They sucked me dry.
@@nordictrekkie6447 its not easy to rise above. each day...takes effect and courage. yet I moved states away. and have worked to develop friends they have come. with God in my belief. I still would want companionship... I dont know if im not too damaged. haunted by PTSD events.
My narc told me not to expect flowers because his mother told him flowers are a waste of money. He wanted me to cook fried chicken legs every night because that's what she did. He used to tell me to stop treating him like a child. I tell him all the time that he acts more like a girl than I do. Sometimes he acts like he's my parent. Several times, he has told me that he's canceling our vacation if I keep "disagreeing with him" about random choices.
Same here! He wanted me to cook, clean, do the laundry… everything like his mum did! Precisely so that he could act out and pick on me because I’m someone he has power over.
When I was really upset and in pain one night... after being together for almost 26 years , he said ' stop crying , my mother had false tears too.' What an eye opener !
Oh my goodness. This never occurred to me before. We had a narc mother, she was very domineering. She turned him into an ultra golden child narc. He hated her and that’s why he hates me? Wow!
I don't know how you handled it, but when my husband put his hand on me--rather than spend time with me (my love language)--I packed up the kids and left. He hit rock bottom, learned that his own narcissistic family wanted him to divorce me so the could elevate themselves on his misery, and he repented and came back for me and the kids. We now limit contact with my in-laws.... Best to you.
You know, no matter how much i agree with all psychological explanations of how they subconsciously believe this otr that and thats why do this and that - again as if unconsciously- I had several situations when the words narcs said only proved that they are fully aware of the wrong but just never care or even probably enjoy seeing people struggling or suffering. They are aware, people.
Yes... He was completly enmeshed with his mother, talked about how sexy her body is and generally acted like the 2nd husband ( minus them sleeping with each other ). He started to treat me badly, laughing when I hurt my foot and was in pain, calling me lazy when I was having a fever. Luckily I never married him. He did lots of damage.
Mine used to buy flowers for me all the time big bouquets.. strange behaviour.. The sicker I was the bigger bouquets I got.. When I had a breakdown and confronting him when I realised what he was he put his head on my lap in a fetal position with a smirk on his face.. 6 years of a situationship he never commited but was not married.. he is 1 of 4 male siblings.. Never said a bad word about his mother until her death and actually gave me a vest she knitted after she passed.. He was never violent towards me but that was his covert part but his cruelness is too much to write here.. The stalking has stopped but I know he will again.. The stare the robotic everything he is a chameleon.
This message will assist many in distancing from this damaging toxic pattern which was lacking 40 or more years ago. There is also often an awareness on the part of the Narcissistic individual that this codependency existed with their Mother but it is hidden from the spouse until after marriage. The public service of this enlightened content is appreciated. Younger generations may be helped to save themselves the heart ache of dysfunctional emotional entrapment and let go of the relationship sooner. The past journey of four years would be much less had this information been available. Get help, value and prioritize personal mental health and wellbeing. Nothing good will be received in this unfortunate circumstance. 🙏🏿☮️
This is SO validating. I recently had a recovered horrific memory (it had been dissociated/amnesic) of something nex did because he was taking out his mother-hatred on some other woman. After the memory, i was shocked, because i thought nex had adored his mother. Now i realize the truth. After he first met me, he would often tell me i "reminded" him of his mother, which i took as a compliment. It wasn't! The only openly negative thing i recall nex saying about his mother through clenched teeth was that she would sit and watch "soaps" in the living room while one of his adult uncles, whom he loathed and called slurs, would come into the bedroom and "play barbies" with 6 year old nex, his sister, and little brother. I know what happened to nex in there almost as surely as if he'd told me directly, and i think he blamed his mother for it. He blamed her for enabling CSA and perhaps also various forms of abuse by his father. Nex's mother would have turned a blind eye to abuse in order to preserve the family's appearance, etc, and i feel for nex as a little boy. BUT that's no excuse for what he became and the fact that he did the same to children when he was a man. :(( Nex was extremely dangerous when he saw a woman (such as me) as a replacement for his mother-rage. I'm grateful every day that i was finally able to get away when it was almost too late for me. Even though we can't change the past, we can UNDERSTAND it, and this can help us build better free lives for ourselves. Here's to the best for all of us as survivors.
They hate the "enablying" mother not having protect the child from being abused by others especially male relatives. Thats what I learned. The passive indifferent mother is the Problem why boys become narcissists. I know 3 of those cases. My ex husband and father of my children is a narc too but I stood up for my son until I finally left my ex to protect my son and so he didn't become a narc too.
The narc I was with punished me hard for his mother abandoning him.. his cruelty made me walk away, he was the warmest man but also the coldest. Once I knew the cold was real and accepted this thoroughly I left.
Yup my bro and his mother in law, our mom always set him up to physically defend her, then his father in law passed away and this affair of ate teen yrs, my sil that dumb, tries to give me the skinny of things, told bro tell her to mind her own business, so what, they're used to me not attending funerals 👻, my sil so controlling, only time bro got to relax was in the arms of another mommy dearest!
My ex bf had an abusive stepmother. He was 32 when I met him. I was 19. He abused me in every way possible and beat me up daily as well. Sexual abuse, emotional, verbal, everything! I was able to escape with three broken ribs and many marks on my body. I have met his stepmom. Horrible woman. Unfortunately, he continues the cycle of abuse... He used to mess with my medication as well and gaslight me by telling me things never happened that I had memory of happened... I thought I was going insane. I would have been k*lled if I didn't left when I did.
My ex would see me breastfeeding our baby “ and he would stare at me very sad and I said “ what’s wrong”? He would say “ You love that baby more than me”!😮😢
Too bad this excellent insightful video wasn’t available years ago when I fell in love with an enmeshed mamas boy. He acquiesced to her horrible treatment of me,born of jealousy,that included lies being spread by her to damage my reputation, and watching us being intimate through tiny opening in drapes at night. His response “ face it, my mom hates you “ I was young and inexperienced and in love with a man baby who moved back home and to this day remains there living among his long deceased mothers junk that he kept as a shrine. He’s 78. Lesson learned.
Yep my husband's grandfather was very abusive to his grand mother he always compared me to her. It really is just so mind boggling. My husband takes after his grandfather not his dad who has class
That’s interesting that the narcissist would see their female target as their mother, a few of the narcissists that I knew hated their mothers, which by the way is really creepy 😬
Best teaching I have ever heard. Fit my husband to a tee. How many times have I said to him, “I’m not your mother!” Way too many. I left, but not until after 50 years of abuse. I am only now just starting to understand what happened to me.
My whole adult life...ROBBED 😭 Thank God I'm going to get a second chance now and never go back and NEVER attract another another narcissist. Thank God for healing.
Thanks Danish for very informative videos about Narcissim. My mother inlaw is a narcissist and so my brother in law but my husband is good person but at same time he is an adult child. I don't know how to handle things so request you to make a video on this topic. Pls help me
.mother was an image of good servent to her husband the father had all the power of dictator it can be oposite too.Child learns how a husband should behave to woman and it is sick
I've seen this in my husband and his brothers. I've seen it in other people's Marriages.. THIS IS 100% TRUE!!!! In True crimes the male psycho, sociopath killer there's almost always a domineering mommy dearest behind most of them..
Wow now is make more sense . I living with his mother . So what you are saying is what I have been dealing with . He punish me all the time . 😅 it not funny I have been through crazy time . I finally left about 7 months now .
My MIL Used him and spoil our relationship and He 😈used me and spoiled my beautiful life without any fault of me . Thank you Danish 🌹 because i understand 😈 only through your videos by chance
My ex-parents always taught me to look for a man who treated his mother exceptionally well, because that was how he would treat me. LIES. He never treated me as well as he treated her! And of course she doesn’t believe a word I say about him being abusive, because he’s “such a good boy.”
My brother took out all his anger against our mother on his partner Thes became really noticeable when they had children It eas like flicking a switch I also found as we aged his behaviour towards me ,l am his older sister, became more and more nasty I felt that in his mind l had replaced our mother so he could safely turn his anger against me He eas a la so horrible to my children and his own
After l left my dangerous ex eith yhe children my mother was seen nearly every day visiting him foing his washing cooking etc I always felt that subconsciously she was taking my place as his wife What a sick family
My ex hates his mother for leaving him with his grandparents. His life was better for it but his anger and entitlement was at a nuclear level. Mind you he's only met his father twice and was abandoned by him but he didn't have much venom for him. He then used sex as a teen as a way to establish his toxic ego. He was caught having sex as a teen by family members 6 different times and stood there while the family berated/threw out the girls. As an adult he just used and abused all women in his life (including myself). He even said to me that since he couldn't punish his mother he will punish every other woman. Sadly he fathered 2 daughters and has insane anger with his children's mom. He even contacted me after 8 years no contact wanting to reconcile aka reup his abuse supply.
Thank you. That explains everything. My ex husband had a domineering mother and more recently a man I was involved with had a mother who totally controlled him and one day I said she's more like a wife than a mother. He would cancel many dates because his mother had to go somewhere. His mother once flew into a rage when I went to lunch with them both and I said we often share a piece of cake. She actually said he never told her that. I was in a state of shock. He on the other hand would tell me things about other women and once told me someone had come on to him and then pushed him away. Rather like you might tell your mother not someone you're involved with. This video explains everything and I attracted 2 of them towards me. Perhaps because I was patient and empathetic. Not anymore. Never again. I come first, you treat me with respect or get lost.
Mine is a man child. When we first were together he was clean, toom care of his house and seemed so put together. After we started living with me he stopped helping out with cleaning, dishes, laundry and would act like a baby when i said yo please help me out. He wanted a mommy
I want to come to your workshop one day. I stiil live under the roof of theirs,i want financial independence to get out and heal. May God allow it please.
This is so true! I met a kiddo with that behavior. He and his mom are so sick. Almost 40 she gave him money! Father many woman. Poor guy or i should say gay. He has the same behavior!
He sure tried but I became a super empath and destroyed his control and ego. I wish I could get the 13 years back 😢 just very blessed to be able to be educated and awakened ❤
This is exactly what happened to me.I always had a gut feeling that he is showing the anger he had for someone else to me,I even told him that one day but then I was so confused to understand what was happening with so many narcs in my family. Now that I stepped aside I get it.
My narc husband’s mother damaged him by neglect. He nearly died twice in his very early youth, she was chatting up neighbors and not watching him. And let him do whatever he wanted in his teens. She just did NOT give a damn.
@@HealedChakras777 i challanged his mother control over me and my house and now facing his silent treatment since 2 months. The moment i will bow against his mother. She will turn on his switch and he will be ok like all this never happaned. But i am not ready to bow in front of tht witch now. I also focus on kids now and don't try to talk after 3 to 4 failed attempts of communication
@sidnasir5483 I'm sorry you're going through this. Make sure to keep finding ans doing things that keep you happy. Save your words and reactions until you can get away from them both 😘😘
This is fascinating. I’ve always felt like my husband was like the little boys I didn’t like in school. Whiny so full of themselves yet total dorks that made me role my eyes and avoid them. If I say Look your behaviors really bothering me. He will immediately say. No! Your behavior is bothering me! I’ve done nothing wrong! Each time I expect to hear Mommy Shan is being mean to me.
Yes! Literally I feel like I'm taking care of a 3 year old boy! He literally calls me Grandma and like my grandchildren is constantly hollering "Hey Grandma blah blah blah". It's wild.
My ex’s Mom, I remember having to tell her, that she needs to stay out of our marriage life, and in a separate conversation telling my ex that we go to couples therapy or we divorce it’s that simple. Ultimatums are dangerous and should only be used as last resort. Therapy worked for one or two sessions, but after it didn’t. I remember sitting in the therapist office and my ex started doing all the talking so I listened. Her reply was each time you say things to her like that, you nick your wife’s wrists and eventually if you keep doing that she will bleed out. Meaning there will be nothing left of her in this relationship if you don’t stop. His Mom is an enabler in my opinion. This was an excellent video and I do believe he has a Mom wound. There is a reason therapists get to know you by asking “tell me about your childhood”.
Thank you! This validates exactly my experience. He eventually wanted and ensured his mother raised our children. They alienated them against me, the mother.
before the video begins, is it conceivable that a narcissistic woman with a father would could do the same thing to her husband or boyfriend? Or am I just being too sensitive?
Never heard this before and it aligns with the anger he vented that I usually asked him if really loved me,he would just stare me and tell me he hated the question
Mother wounds in someone else does not explain to me why as I type almost whole sentences and almost whole paragraphs often dissapear off of my screen while I am typing whenever I am trying to do my homework and whenever I am trying to participate on some social media platform. Sounds like it could be an explanation in some situations though.
