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Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Probably just trolls, kids, or people who don't like change. Forget em. Cant make em drink the water, can only lead em to it! Something I think is important to remember daily for us all
Wild Roses exactly... must be the very ones who instill the abuse and messaging to self blame to their kids . Narcissists. addicts. Sociopaths... the ones that scoff at therapy when you ask them to go... when they are the reason you need to go in the first place. 🤦🏼♀️
Dear Sir, as the mother of an adult son who is currently going through the healing process of wrongs done to him as a child, I too, am learning to stop the intense and painful blame of the past. And am healing and learning to accept myself as I was and as I am. The wonderful person that I am. It is not just the children of dysfunctional families that must heal, but the parents too. And to be eternally grateful for the opportunity to do so. I am fortunate to have sons that are open and honest and forgiving.
This comment is my wish to hear from my mother. She went through so much too. I pray she will find some healing. Although she really is not well, I do not lose hope for those I love. 🙏
@@grneyefin Even if you never contact your Mother again (and I pray that you do), you have contacted her spiritually, heart to heart and spirit to spirit. And on that level she feels it, believe me. In that, there IS healing for you both.🌹
Jerry Wise Relationship Systems "Of course you're a gift! Look at how many are responding positively! You have a gift and are giving it to the world just like you are supposed to! Perfection doesn't exist, but gifts that heal so many broken people are perfect enough. This world is in such need of peoples gifts."
MLArtLife Yes ... Jerry is a blessing. I can feel his compassion and empathy which are very healing for me ... and I'm sure for others as well. Love you all 💖💚💖
What a wonderful class. It's helping me so much. I am already doing the exercises and finding my way to clarity. You make things look so simple. Thank you so much.
Thanks Jerry. That was so well timed for me. I have had a horrible day blaming myself for something I did that was in good faith, and have been reprimanded for by my manager. Because I am the adult child of Narcissistic parents, and my mum was also an alcoholic, I shouldered the blame and responsibilities for so much as a child. I was the oldest of 3 daughters, and the scapegoat. I have been so affected by this. My younger sister is Narcissistic, and has abused me for many years. I went no contact last year. All my romantic partner relationships have been highly toxic with abusive people. And I only ended a toxic relationship last year. I have many physical problems as a result of the chronic stress, and am awaiting therapy. I get so triggered if I make a mistake, and find it so hard to be assertive and not accept full blame. I'm driving myself nuts! So listening to this has helped me to put things into perspective.
I am reading your comment and thinking oh wow! I have had the same thing happened to me today. I did something at work in good faith and was criticized. Such a strange thing when everybody's against me. I didn't blame myself but hearing the accusations was very uncomfortable. I love myself and stopped blaming long time ago. But it looks like I have still work and healing to do. Jerry is helpful in explaining how things work and how to change them. Happy healing to you. One day you'll be free from blaming and conditioning.
Agnie M I hope so Agnie. I'm 53, and only really realised just how bad things have been over the last couple of years. I've opened up a huge can of worms, and am very up and down at the moment. Need therapy, but am on a waiting list which may take another 7 months. Just have to keep on using RU-vid , and books which help my healing. Glad to hear you have moved on from the self blame. Thanks for your reply. It's good to know there are others that understand. x
We should start a support group. I’m the oldest of three with an abusive youngest sister and covert middle one. Has the no contact been helpful? I too am the family scapegoat and I’m so tired of going to therapy trying to cope with being in relationship with them.
I would like you to talk about how parents project their fears on children. Or, if you already have, help me find it. My mother hated it when I'd read a book. Get upset when I sewed. (And those are small things.) I finally asked her why she got so upset. "Because when I was a little girl my mother would read and I wanted her attention." She replied. Huh? I'm NOT her mother! But in many respects, she wanted me to be so. Or do the blame shame game if I wouldn't. Things came to a head with my entire family when my son died. I severed all contact. It is almost like being in a witness protection program. I love my family. But don't like them. Certainly don't trust them. The one thing I can do is pray and ask God to bless them. But there are times I feel guilt. Then shake it off. Thank you Dr. Wise.
Right spot on today . Therapist, Jerry and good friend all on same page today….I hope someday I can feel freeer and calm. constant inner work . I can only change me . Thanks Jerry . Missed your noon event today but heard this one as well as 3 others of yours today.
I think we are in so much fear when we choose to get out of denial of the self blame. Also the consequences of being alone for good is frightening. But that is such a real lie. Once the toxic , sick behavior is stopped or even removed we are given this space to create something excitedly new. This way we begin to know how to love ourselves and really treasure a new life. Life gets good and it starts propelling us forward.
You make so much sense to me! Thank you so much for caring enough to help people like me who have deep emotional wounds. A lot of proffessionals just don't understand how to help, but you do.
I agree that a lot of professionals don't understand how to help people with deep emotional issues. Im quite surprised that Jerry's type of therapy is not waaaay more prevalent than it is.
This was me to a T. I’m still doing work on myself. I was brought up by a psychopathic mother, she was both emotionally and physically abusive. When I asked her years later why she did that to me and my sister, she said ‘you probably did something to deserve it’. I couldn’t escape the home, so I learned to submit and try harder to try to avoid the beatings. In my adult life I got entangled with a covert narcissist and was totally controlled and continually blamed myself. He agrees it was my fault. I escaped that relationship and I’ve been working on myself for the last year. Your videos are very helpful, thank you
Jerry My new thing is to study what you say, believe it, then fill in the blanks why it's true. Your material is so helpful and I thank you so much. What a blessing you have been. thanks.
4:20 Self blame is not the result of some cognitive dissonance, it's actually the result of primordial abandonment anxiety which triggers a freeze response in the amygdala as part of a survival instinct and disables or suppresses the ego. If the mother is chronically stressed then the ego is chronically suppressed.
I have heard some of the other earlier recorded self-blame videos you posted Jerry and I find this one is the best. For me it is very insightful to hear about the roots and have you explain with examples from real life. I really appreciated how many examples you shared and learning "why" by hearing it explained makes so much sense. Thank you for taking the time to record this video and post it on youtube.
I may jumping the gun here but just occurred to me that.. if I stop blaming my self, if I break the chain system create an extreme fear. Because is no use to believe my family will change. But if I change i won't be of use for them any more. Won't change my life or wounds to be heal... but will confirmed all the years of hearing that I am unlovable, unworthy. Feel heartbreaking to realise yesterday I was a supply ... now I am not even that as I am sure they find another.
You don't deserve to be 'supply' and if you are of ' no use' to them--so what? Your self esteem, self-love, self-care is not based on your family of origin. You may want to read "Inner Bonding" by Margaret Paul and also her book on "Healing Your Aloneness". Best to you and your recovery and healing Ame... Please join as a support member here on RU-vid for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop
Dear Jerry I very much hope that you understand how significant a contribution you make with your very generous videos and advice. Not only is that right on the mark, but shows an extraordinary insight, professional depth, empathy and understanding that makes an enormous, truly enormous, difference in people’s lives.i am sure your practice is thriving and so much appreciate the fact that you are so prepared to give to the community as well - an ethos about the privileges of professionalism that has almost disappeared from the landscape of professional services. Thank you very much.
im slowly getting over self-blame...its not easy but im getting there. im such a different person and think so differently from the girl i was 10 years ago, and im sure in 10 more years if im still on this earth i will be even more empowered and in control of my life. thanks to vids like these, thanks youtube and the internet!
This is what I'm healing in myself I've learnt to blame myself for everything and it's made me depressed. I'm taking waay too much that's not even my responsibility. I was taught this from an early age when I was abused by my narccissist mother and teachers.
thankyou Jerry for your very informative videos... I get validation from you for what I went through and this is really important for me. Some perspectives you share did not come to my mind before and your words make so much sense. I like your combination of showing empathy and validation for the real pain we went/ still go through and on the other hand reminding us on what our responsibilities in life are and encouraging us to choose self growth while not blaming us. I find it honestly really really hard to grow up in a mature and healthy way, I've never had good role models for doing that, except for inspirational books I read. You are helpful in gently showing us that it is not all our fault. You make our messy lifes a bit clearer, things that tend to be so confusing. I hope you know how rare it is to find someone who is willing to share deep insights for free and how much needed it is. I guess I'm not the only one who has to deal with everything all alone and whose "family" and "friends" only tell them to get their act together in a blaming and very judgemental attitude - I get praise when I'm pretending and I'm being ignored when I'm not performing - which only adds to the self blame. So --->THANKYOU.
THANKS VERY MUCH for the videos, your channel and the solid, useful, wise info on them. Truly appreciate the time and dedication you give. Helps me and others quite a bit...ACOA's have a lot of issues, striving to fix issues, constantly saying WTF, I don't understand, feel like crap, creating chaos because that is what we are used to, everything and anything except often loving ourselves and enjoying life. You are a blessing and the information of great support. God bless and Happy New Year THANKS!!
I really wish you would take this concept beyond a family dynamic because oftentimes this spills over I to our workplaces and other relationships in life especially the perfectionism piece
I found myself owning the problems in adult relationships1) because they were painful violations of trust 2) so I sorted out the dynamic to get a grip 3) I described to partner the cause and effect, seeking compassion, mutual agreemant to stop doing the violation 4) response?? Denial of problem, nope not going to validate or admit wrong..5) I own the problem because Im the one who identified the problem, therefore...6) if I own it, then I can CHANGE it!! It was unconscious... I own it I can fix it...yeah , NOT when Im already practicing humane values. But no one around will own their crappy behaviors. I isolate. Its not worth it out there.
You dont just have to accept your own crappy behaviours, you also have to accept everyone else's crappy behaviours. You dont have to like them but you do have to accept them for what they are. The good thing is that there are some nice people out there in the world who dont have too many crappy behaviours, so surround yourself with some of them.
Accepting ourselves can definitely be challenging and is an unending lifelong process. Can you start with accepting that you currently still don’t know how to accept yourself?
Thank you Jerry. As always, you provide such excellent guidance. Can you please address the issues facing grandparents when the relationship with the adult child is toxic? I have been in recovery for years and have made great progress toward self-differentiation, de-enmeshinging from my family of origin, boundary setting and maturing emotionally. My major problem is maintaining my relationship with my granddaughter while being nearly no contact with her father, my adult son. Can you recommend any resources and can you address this issue in a video? God bless you Jerry
I need to change . Rather than selfblame I do A LOT of overcomepensating my ex husbands actions and etc same mechanisms with my older sister who I believe is a narc because she is capable of real chilling silenttreatments that go on in years .and then dissolve and on and on
Please join as a support member here on RU-vid for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop
can this also be the case in friendships? Because this happened to me, blaming myself for everything when me and my best friend had a fight, i always took it on me to keep peace. It happened so many times that i started getting used to it, until it caused so much stress for me. only couple of times,rarely she says "its not your fault" she would usually directly blame it on me from time to time,when we had a fight. We had an argument, it started off by my parents telling me to not talk so much through the phone or in general (she goes to a different school,we used to talk , litterly in the morning and night uptil 2 am) My parents dont like her because of another big argument and fight we had two or three years ago,i told my parents about the argument when we had it ,but that was two or threeyears ago.. She was saying that "my parents like you because i never told them about our fight, but you did" bringing up our past fight in the persent one, making me feel guilty and shamefull for what i've done, then i said "i know if i could turn back time and change it i would" she replied with "yeah i would too". before we had talked (about the paragraph above) i wrote down and texted her, how i feel what i do for her, i litterly drop everything that im doing just to talk to her. When she replied to the text, she replies with " yeah i know you have been there for me but like i mean recently" just because i couldnt talk, one time i wasnt there, im a bad friend? after the large paragraph that i sent her about what sacrafices i made for our friendship i not enough? after i broke my parents trust just to talk to you , you still manage to say that? i also talked about boundaires to her , she was shocked and upset, saying "out of everyone im talking boundaries about its you" saying "best friends dont have boundaires" thats when i said i had to go, and just blocked her on everything the next day. thats when i started blaming myself for how she reacted to boundaires and my feelings and how i shouldnt have blocked her, about how shes feeling, first she wrote to me that she doesnt care if we talk or not then says that it pains when we dont talk. ive been blaming myself for all the actions shes done or that i have taken... but after i blocked her, i felt at peace but shame and guilt stuck with me, im trying to tell myself that i did the right thing
Firstly...This phenomena does happen. I have seen it. Evolutionary psychology has produced this thought process in children. There must be an evolutionary upside to this or it would have disappeared. In-essence, children MUST be getting something out of self blame. Surely, perfect parents are nonexistent, and not the answer. Please explore this topic in more depth.
