seated on the same bed for the last seven years
i have had the same view every single day
across me, a window i barely open
as i prefer staring at my ceiling more
everything feels stagnant
like time has froze
as if i’m gonna be stuck here forever
unbeknownst to me,
a long time has already passed
but myself, and i’m behind
i’m still living in my room and the past it carries
i don’t know how to get out of it
and i don’t seem to want to get out of it.
i’ll miss my room,
i’ve thought about this before
i’ll miss it when i don’t live here anymore
i realized i have never put up a clock on my wall
i can’t tell when it’s time to stop
and it’s not like i wanna know either
specks of dust on top of my cabinet,
table, and headboard
not enough to burry them completely
why do i hold on to things i can never go back to?
i’ve grown attached to the warmth of my
pillows and blankets i’ve had ever since i was a baby
the tears i’ve soaked my pillows on
i always seem to never let them go easily
like how i stacked up my collection
of perfumes thru the years, and remember
the exact scent that takes me back to the year i despise the most
the stench which reeks of misery
i’ll always take it with me wherever i go
i still have familiar faces i meet
in my dreams, i still see my friends i miss
my classmates, and teachers i left behind.
to this day, they catch up and haunt me
nightmares accompany me now
and i’ll always let it be
because familiarity is comfy
i’ve created a fortress enough
to keep some people out,
but too suffocating to keep people in.
my heart can only do so much
clinging on to a past
that opens up a large wound from before
i’m still hoping i’d get to take a step
out without looking back at it anymore.
i’ll always carry the bricks of my history
and end up building the same so-called home
however a part of me would always
still miss it, remember it, hate it…
but until i put up a clock, i’ll know
when it’s time to shut the door and start anew
estefany
thursday, 29 february 2024 3:17 PM
29 фев 2024
