Open vs Closed Relationships in the Gay Community 

Have you ever been in an open relationship? Are you in a monogamous relationship? Let us know in the comments 🔽🔽

Open relationship makes people feel jealous. Some people can separate sex and love. But I cannot.

Together for 32 years never open. Totally attached and grateful of it.

One thing always missing in these discussions is whether this is a symptom of "nothing is ever enough " - which is what really defines American culture. More, more, more. Bigger and flashier everything. Bigger cars (Hummers even), Bigger houses (10 rooms aren't enough for 2 people), 3 or 4 homes, super-sized fast food, and on and on. Nothing is ever enough in the US. Isn't that part of what's being communicated by open relationships? That you or your partner aren't enough? I think that a big part of being in a fulfilling relationship is making your partner feel like he's enough (and then some). I get how it works for some people. But I think the "nothing is ever enough " syndrome needs to be examined.

Ok so this was more of an agreement on open relationship rather than a discussion. Sounds like most of the panel was onboard with polyamory. Would have preferred if there was a person who didn't fall in the spectrum of poly or any shade of that. Definitely one sided in my opinion.

In a monogamous relationship, and now we’re engaged! I knew from a young age I wanted that for myself and I never settled for men who didn’t share the same core values as I did. It was a long wait but I found the one! 🥰

i would love to be in a committed, closed relationship. having not found one, i have chosen celibacy. celibacy is definitely, for sure, not for everyone. ❤🏳‍🌈

I’m gay and have been single my entire life but constantly approached by couples wanting to make me the third. No thanks. My partner is out there and time will tell. I won’t ever compromise my values due to people who can’t handle what they already have. I respect those who are open, but every time has been an imbalance of attractions and jealousy in the existing relationship. I know healthy polyamory exists in the world. Much respect to you all. ❤️🏳️‍🌈❤

Open relationships are a flaming hot example of human avarice: you want to have it all. I have yet to meet an open relationship that hasn’t ended up in breakup or divorce (for all of you trying to argue that opening the relationship is what saves your relationship… I mean how sad)… how about the growth and learning that can be achieved from focusing all of your energy and desire on one person? Has anyone ever thought of that?

Being in a committed relationship also doesn’t mean you’re trying to control the person you enter into the relationship based on agreements. I perceive Calan is romanticizing an idea of open relationships as he openly disclose that he’s never even been in one so I’m not sure why his commentary is completely relevant besides expressing curiosity but he also has a tendency to be very preachy.

As a psychologist I wouldn’t recommend open relationships. They are detrimental to the pair bonding process. However, to each their own.

I hear the same logic for people wanting to open their relationships, and it is so one-sided. No, you won’t stop thinking other men are attractive, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is a necessity for you to act on it. Yes, 50% of marriages end up in divorce, but it’s not always because of infidelity. Also, why don’t we focus on the 50% of marriages that survive? For monogamy to work, it takes a lot of self-control and the willingness to sacrifice. Two things we don’t see too much of these days. Also, the dynamic of happiness between open and monogamous relationships, is so subjective it’s not even funny. Not EVERY open relationship is as happy as some might suggest. This definitely comes off judgey, I know, but we haven’t looked at this subject as thoroughly as we should.

It's interesting to hear how each guy came to their conclusions. I do believe that everyone has their own truth on how life should operate. However, I have some disagreements with a couple statements I heard. Near the end, the bottom left guy mentioned something like "act on what is within you or else it will destroy you." That, to me, is a dangerous mindset. Open relationships, at the end of the day, are sexual desires. Giving into every single temptation of lust can put you and your partner in bad situations because the man is not thinking clearly. The top left guy is saying his ego is telling him to let go of controlling another person. I don't know how to feel about that. The point of relationships that eventually lead to families is that two people compromise some of their freedoms for the larger goals of security into old age and functional families. I understand trying to let go of controlling desires, but there should be nothing wrong with an expectation of a man honoring his word of fidelity. Fidelity leads to security, safety, and success of the family. I'm so worried about my prospects of love at 28 years old because it seems like all gays just want constant sex. It's scary...

God I new I shouldn’t have watched this video. I left one of your guys video feeling so good and now feeling so bad after seeing this video. I hate how monogamy is demonized so much and open or polyamorous relationships are the Solution to your problems. I know plenty of people who’s lives were really ruined buy the pear pressure to not have monogamous relationship. I don’t understand why when there is a problem in monogamous relationships that gay guys are so quick to blam it but then when there is a problem with polygamous relationships or open once’s the problem wasn’t the idea rather it was you. There is a Double standard there . I personally think that if our Community was truly healthy we would see a roughly even amount of all three and even a fourth category of people who don’t want a relationship at all. Not like what we are seeing now where so many are pushed into doing things because they feel like if they don’t then they will be labeled as not mature , desirable , or somehow hating themselves because they want a monogamous relationship. I wish there had been someone here who could have expressed those feelings and there own story.

Aside from my earlier, critical comment, I truly appreciate this channel having mature gay men going deeper on tough conversations! We truly need this in our community and I am about to start binge watching videos since this is my first exposure to the channel. 🙂

This comment section echoes the majority of gay men; we want an intimate monogamous relationship with someone and to build a life together. There's a small but loud group of gay men who are also typically into cruising and bathhouses who advocate for open relationships. The first story about getting an STD on day one of being open isn't surprising at all. Interesting talk, but wanting stability and commitment is healthy and not about control or insecurity. Thanks for your perspectives.

Open relationships are for those who lack the ability to stay committed. I don't care how anyone tries to spin it, you basically agree to sleaze. I rather stay single than to be in an open relationship.

I get the sense from this conversation that we need to change and be more accepting of the idea of an open relationship. I don't feel this should be the goal, but from the conversation, I felt I am not mature enough or ready for this step. Why do I need to? This is what I don't understand. Also, could you make a video about your values (for a relationship) and how you chose the ones you have atm? But, I got to say, I really enjoy listening to your videos! Keep it up!

Yall's conversation is very interesting. Thank yall for sharing

Maybe don’t “breathe into” something you do not enjoy like open relationships when you’re not into it. I’m not into heterosexual sex for myself so I don’t need to “breathe into it”…I don’t need to do it if it’s not for me or doesn’t work for my feelings.

Letting jealousy and codependency melt away has been such a relief.

I love Reno’s term and resonate with Monogamish. A lot of truama in my life comes from end to end years of singleness and only hookups and the myriad of rejections from seeking intimacy beyond sex. (Being 50+, geographically in a nature preserve, emotionally needy or yearning, and anxious means A very high rate of rejection [# of rejections / # of receptive engagements] ) And so I’m loving the idea of meeting someone who is a priority for me and visit versa and that priority would be supporting each others process of relating to each other our engagements. Avoidance trauma is also hyper prevalent in our gay society and I’m a threat to most men with what I bring to the table.

I'm an 80 year old gay man. Single much of my life. I have many older gay male friends who have been in relationships for 50+ years... with lots of varieties of sexual behavior outside as well as within their relationship. It would be interesting to hear their experiences.

if its open, its not a relationship. definitions of words exist. lets use them

Wow guys! We are on the same page. I just covered Open Relationships on my RU-vid channel and my recent FB Live! Love the discussion!

Still have uncertainties with regards to having an open relationship or getting in the middle of one. I would feel that someone would be left out and upset. After being in 2 monogamous LTR's spanning 40 years, being polyamorous would be kind of hard too to deal with.

If you need to be in an open relationship, then don't call it a relationship, just call it a "F buddy" situation/roommates...whatever. That's all it is, and all it ever will be. People seem to want their romantic dependency needs met, but want their cake and eat it to. That's selfish, and people like that shouldn't be put on a pedestal.

This video was so helpful and introspective! Please continue making video s like this. My fiancé and I are beginning to explore opening up our relationship and unsure of which direction to go in.

Open relationships sounds like you want the status and privilege of monogamy, but none of the responsibility.

So Esoterically, Eloquently and beautifully explained like painting Mona Lisa..... So Ugly out here in these streets, promise you that

Been out for decades. Most relationships, regardless of the type, fail. I find being single is the best option. You can love someone and be single. Serial monogamy also works well.

Just discovered this channel. I'm currently in a monagamous relationship, but before that for about 10 years I had similar to what Matt was talking about. I had about 4 regular guys (separately) that I had relationships with which I enjoyed. For me it was beyond fuckbuddy or friends with benefits. I loved the sex, the intimacy, the conversation, just the hanging out of it

Your discussion is interesting and makes one ask the question "What if I allowed myself or rather if I had allowed myself". Here, there is no regret, but only a simple curiosity. The subject would have probably interested me more 30 years ago. Obviously, I am a little older than you but I am still very young at heart. That said, with all due respect to your discussion, the question of the open couple will have been settled a long time ago: neither of us wanted it. I like the idea of ​​a deep commitment. I also like the idea that everything can exist as long as everything is done with respect. And respect begins with oneself. It is true that we are rather conventional. Life has allowed us to adopt 3 children internationally (Asia). I believe that this is no longer possible at the moment for a single man. My partner was the adopter while I adopted my partner's children once the third arrived. This was our big project as a couple. This took us completely elsewhere. Needless to say, we didn't have time to think about going elsewhere. And yes, it is important to live your experiences, sometimes to explore and give yourself permission to like or not like the experience. In fact, I allowed myself to explore a relationship with a man at the age of 26. I liked it and it confirmed to me that I had to take this path after my 4-year relationship with a woman. At 30, I met the man with whom I was going to undertake the greatest project of my life. In short, to each his own experiences! Probably the most important thing is self-respect, respect for the partner, communication and well-established boundaries. Here, right now, it's not something I'm drawn to, but I can see how some couples might be open to it. If both partners feel comfortable with that, why not, it's their business. I think we never do anything for nothing... probably to meet a certain need. But what need are we meeting? I have a few hypotheses, but this is precisely the subject I'd be more interested in hearing about. What makes us become an open couple or remain closed. I'm more interested in this subject than giving myself permission to...

I’ve had 3 closed relationships and each partner cheated, so I cannot contemplate an open one but what works for one as long as both partners are equally invested in their realist parameters

I’ve done both. Now with the man I always wanted. We met when we were both in open relationships. Didn’t work out. Eventually ended both relationships. Then 8 yrs later we met again. And now monogamous. No interest in anything else. That said - we ended up together because of previous open relationships. And we both played around when we were younger. All I can say is - when it’s right it’s right. And you don’t need anyone else. Finding it is up to fate though.

If a couple are into BDSM that involves group play I can see the need for an open relationship but individually looking for other sex partners sounds problematic for me.

I realy enjoyed this convo, and at the end of the day, it depends to each person.

I love these debates. Being in a different time zone (Europe) it is a bit complicated to participate. For me I will only accept monogamy. I often wonder if one partner agrees to an open relationship in a bid not to see the relationship end. If both are sleeping around it becomes a relationship of convenience. A fake one at best. How can there be real deep love or connection ? The odd affair OK but over time I feel an open relationship is playing with fire or tempting fate. He may fall in love with the other guys he's sleeping with. I´m too jealous to be OK with the whole thing.

Monogamy is compulsory in mainstream culture. Anyone who chooses to pursue nonmonogamy has to endure shame and harassment for deviating from the norm. Kinda like coming out of the closet. There is no right way or moral way to be in a relationship. What works for everyone will be different. Therefore--to the gay men commenting, can we _please_ *stop slut shaming* ? We're only tearing our gay community apart by perpetuating harmful values of patriarchy when we enforce monogamy upon everyone.

Reduced statistical risk of aquiring an STI = fewer partners. Fact !

I think open relationships only honestly work in a very limited number of couples. What I see most of the time is couples that are open because they feel it's the new utopia, like it's the new ideal relationship to have.. practical: you have the good things of having a partner, but also the lifestyle of a sexy single fuckerboy... but that's on paper only. Monogamy doesn't work for many people, that's clear. But let's keep in mind that open relationships and polyamory aren't either a perfect recipe for everyone. It depends on so many things...

I met an amazing couple at ptown. Two professional males in their fields. One of the guys was married with kids. So the relationship went from monogamy to polyamorous to open . One of them contracted HIV and gave it to the other. They invited me to join but I couldn’t do it. All three of my past relationships went from monogamy to they want to be open. Being in the open relationship is not for me. I’m just not wired like that. Sometime I hate myself for not trying it, but it’s not for me. And I don’t wanna start taking prep to add to my collection of other medication I’m taking. I’m not hating on the idea, but I have a few friends that didn’t work out for them. I’m not Hating on it. It’s just isn’t for me. So I’m by myself. It suck but it is what it is. Prep open the door for everyone to experience this kind of behavior. That’s why finding someone that’s into you and vice versa is so hard now. I’m new to your podcast. I appreciate what you guys are saying. Hopefully young gay guys will learn a lot from you guys.

Open relationships are weird and weak, not something to strive for, or something to brag about (easy to create). They are for very broken emotionally immature impetuous couples. Also i noticed open relationships usually heavily involve low self esteem and lack of respect which creates more problems not always obvious ... how can you respect someone who says it's ok to cheat on me with countless men ... way to be a doormat lol

U guys are all young. Wait til u hit ur 40s and 50s and start to realize that this whole “oh I want people to come and go in my life la Dee daaaa” goes away and u start to realize that people won’t be so willing to want someone who is 50 and not able to commit to a monogamous relationship. Everyone wants to party and have as much sex as possible when they’re young but all a sudden they decide to want to settle when they get old.

in a closed relationship and i think we're about to breakup and im terrified i'll never find anyone else who wants to be closed...

an 'open' relationship is NOT a relationship... relating is a binary concept hence 'relating-ship'... Taking something self-indulgent like polygamy and re-introducing it as a form of human devotion and intimacy - is actually pathetic and makes no sense whatsoever.

If you have an open relationship: good. I won't be a part of an open relationship: good The only discrepancy is: some guys might feel obligated to continue a relationship that starts with or opens eventually... and one stays with the other based on financial reasons. Can we talk about this?

It has to be the right timing for a couple...can be so much adventure and fun for the right emotional adjusted couple

I feel like this video could easily be fodder for folks on the right end of the political spectrum as someone who's more center. That aside, I fully support the idea of being monogomish. As someone who's a bottom with GI issues where an STI may cause critical damage, I am biased towards monogomy. My last relationship was openish and made me realize that I'd need emotional exclusivity, whereas he desired deeper connection with others. However i would not have grown as a person unless i tested my own boundaries.

Omg I’d love to be apart of conversation like this!

just found this channel brilliant , im learning a lot about me right now and i dont feel so lonely

Another phrase for "open relationship" ....... "roommates with benefits".

Thank U super interesting. I resigned from dating long ago, seemingly unable to pair bond. But found intimacy w/men in open relationships, 3 men, numerous encounters. They were good experiences. But terribly unbalanced, we could only meet when they would say so. Thennn... those relationships re-closed🤔If ever i try again, he's gotta be single ONLY

I'm in love with my boyfriend of over 4 years. I could never feel comfortable knowing that awesome dick and body is pleasing someone else on the side. The physical aside now, when two pple bond, there is no room for another person in that equation. It's a stupid unnatural concept born of lust and disfunction. If you want multiple partners, you're simply not ready to settle down. Two pple engaging in relationship is special. And tremendously rewarding.. going into an open relationship is selfish, base, Lustful, insincere, and doomed .

Dumping your partner for accidentally getting gonorrhoea..? When you’re in an open relationship..? 😐

I was hoping this was not a one-sided conversation. It seemed to focus more on why open relationships DO work, and not explore why they actually don’t. Everyone is different, but personally felt it lacked a (balanced) opposing side to really explore the topic fully.

Nice discussion a lot of truth was shared! Thank you

10:49 Matt, you just described polyamory. I have a primary partner and several secondary partners. All of which I share intimacy with on a romantic and sexual level.

Come live in the Netherlands if you want to have an open relationship. 98% are open.

I feel like most people I know is in open relation relationship. I hope this is not happening just because it's becoming a trend but to really assess each other if this is really what they "both" want and not just one person wants it really bad and another person just saying yes to it because he wants his partner to be happy. If one partner can be more desirable (to others) than the other partner and only one of them is only get the privilege of having that pleasure or fun with others...then the other partner would be left out. A friend told me that ...most open relationship...one person always gets hurt.

This video is so judgemental against monogamy. Why is monogamy about control or fear. People enter monogamous relationships willingly and no one should control anyone. Both are willing to be in a committed relationship. This is typical gay toxic shaming of other gays who want someone else other than flamboyant life style.

This need for open relationships is one of the reasons I wish I wasn’t gay. Any way you slice it an open relationship is an excuse for not putting forth the commitment and discipline to make a monogamous relationship work. Like others in these comments,I’ll happily remain single until someone who feels like I do comes along.

I cant do open relationships at all. I know I'm a very competitive person and yeah it turns toxic as fuck. If you sleep with one guy, I will need to sleep with two guys. More if they're not as hot as my partners 1. This sort of dynamic has led me into some really really dark situations I would not have put myself in otherwise. I could do a sort of limited cuckoldry with severe boundaries, I don't care so much about the jealousy part but I have to commit to monogamy myself because I know what I'm like and I will end up doing things I don't want to. I get some people aren't the same as me, but growth is sometimed about not putting yourself in situations that are harmful for yourself.

Open relationships are for people who cheat, without the consequences of disrespecting their partner. Its not healthy long term and does more emotional damage to both parties involved.

Until the moment I saw the video I felt somewhat comfortable, but from 49:18 to the end I began to feel bad, surprised and quite judged. What I mean is: Why else or if wanting something monogamous is conceived as insecure attachment, control, fear and toxicity? Why else or if we have to exceed that limit of fear if I don't want to? Why fulfilling love in monogamy is equivalent to not being an evolved person or that I am constantly going to find myself with the same "mistakes"? I don't want to sound flippant about what I'm about to say, I respect your point of view a lot, but I felt those ideas were prejudiced and biased. You yourselves said that it is not about "right" or "wrong", but at the same time you associated and generalized so many ideas that you ended up (perhaps unconsciously) ascribing wrong things to monogamy or that it is wrong because monogamy is equivalent to everything negative (fear, not wanting to explore, etc.). In addition, you forgot a fundamental concept, the affective responsibility: if my partner knows that I’m distressed that he sleeps with others and does it anyway because "that is his right", he is trampling on my love for him and destroying me as a human being who needs security and not be hurt. With that message, infidelity is endorsed and don’t consider that the needs of the couple of qualities are their limits of what they do and do not want in a relationship. Honestly, I’m very disappointed as a simple gay guy who longs for a monogamous relationship and cannot find anyone who wants the same, because with what you mentioned I felt that if I’m not willing to accept something that I don’t want, that if I don't want to explore those kinds of situations or experiences with a partner, my love life will be full of heartbreak, lack of understanding and loneliness. Not all people want to push limits, evolve sexually and "leave their fears”, because not all fears and insecurities are false alarms, not all the limits that fear gives us are oppressive barriers, not all moments of exploration help us. I agree with the fact of not manipulating or coercing freedom, but if one member of the couple wants fidelity and a relationship of only two, then you should also have had the consideration to say that these negative elements aren’t exclusive to monogamy, that if someone doesn’t want to explore it doesn’t mean that they will find pure unhappiness with a partner or feelings will appear that will end up ruining the relationship, and that there are healthy and happy monogamous couples, or that it is okay to be monogamous and not force ourselves to do things that hurt a lot. It's these kinds of thoughts from non-monogamous people that make me hopeless and marginalized.

I think there's a lot of understandable fear around open relationships and polyamory from a stability standpoint, as well as self image and esteem. From my experience with both, i would say that there are specific challenges that arise tending to multiple relationships, but it isn't that different to looking after your multiple relationships with family members, friends, work, land, etc. You will need to balance time, attention, needs, desires, etc., but we do this with those other relationships without comment. You don't say to someone about to have another child, "You can't commit! How could you possibly care for two children at the same time!" I get it when people say it's not the same, and i isn't, but i dont think it's that different either. Think about what is your actual concern. Is it that you think you won't be able to manage your time, or that you'll be abandoned, or you'll feel less self worth...? They're all valid. I'd just say that there are different strategies for addressing them, and they'll work for different people. ❤

I can't STAND being hit on by guys in a relationship! To me , they are selfish bas**rds who want their cake and eat it too!

Closed relationship, but we play together only

I wonder if people spent a bit more time looking for the right person - and by the right person, I mean in a sexual sense - whether there'd be so many discussions about open relationships. Yes, invariably, excitement fades with age and time, but I think the biggest issue is that many people enter into relationships with people with whom they're not sexually compatible. And it's not just about whether you're a bottom or a top. It's much more than that. People hook up with those that aren't right for them and, at the start, that incompatibility is masked. But it eventually catches up with you.

Did anyone else almost spit out their coffee at the first sentence?!

I feel like this conversation lacks a lot of perspectives… all participants feel similar regarding these topics… I appreciate every opinion it just feels very biased and a constant cycle of confirmarion bias between the participants. Having said that I think the conversation was interesting but not very objective which I get because this isn’t a formal setting. I think all types of relationships work, however the lack of emotional maturity is something I have seen a lot on these discussions… gay men feel like they are always missing something or are never satisfied, would have love to have seen this discussed more as well as why do the participants think open relationships are more prevalent in the gay community?

50% of people cheat. Either you cheated, or your partner has.

Very interesting topic!

A deep and lasting relationship requires more than sex. Especially a willingness to be honest and vulnerable.

That is why there are lovers and boyfriends. You don't have to chose one over the other, and both can be friends. I myself do not care what my boyfriend does on his own time, as long as it does not intrude into our time. Love is not controlling another's behavior.

How these people are ok with sharing their partners with others is beyond me...

I come from the school of as we get older ... we become more comfortable with ourselves..i would def be open up to 1 , but feel the the relationship should start closed , and then after a few years , maybe open it up... im a very non jealous person , and i come from a place of sex and love can be separated ..so i would be ok having a boyfriend who was an escort ... that would bother me .. but i understood different strokes for different folks ❤

my ex brought up the idea of open poly relationship and eventually he got what he really wanted to have he knew he had plenty of options and need keep exploring them and figured im resposible part and he has kinky fun with good looking link ups or potientials....... needless to say i was replaced

An open relationship is like a fat person wanting to lose weight but wants to continue eating junk food every day and never exercise. You gotta put in the hard work to reach your goal. Gay men tend to be emotional and want everything to be fun without hard work or sacrifices. They want to be the proverbial "kid in a candy store." You need discipline to build a solid relationship. It might be helpful if gay men started paying attention to people like David Goggins and Jordan Peterson. Bringing extra people into your relationship seems to dilute the bond you have for your partner. Opening the relationship might mean you can no longer satisfy your man. Also, it's kind of awkward how gay men think of relationships as either "long-term" or "short-term." There's no such thing as a "long/short-term" relationship... only relationship. And it's REALLY ODD how some gay couples continue going to bars and clubs even when they are in a relationship. Why do gay men continue to surround themselves with outside temptation while in a relationship? It's like a fat person trying to lose weight while hanging out at the local ice cream parlor.

Wow, you can feel the jealousy and anxiety coming off of these comments.

@7:35 which did not allow him to grow? - monogamy OR non-monogamy?

Monogamy takes discipline. People in open relationships will truly never be happy because they’ll always want more. Key to a fulfilling life is being grateful for what you have. Why drag this shit along, making things so complicated and leading to a path of misery and destruction? If you’re not happy in the relationship than just fucking leave? Most people follow this trend because they’re just following the crowd. It takes courage to believe differently than the herd.

Sometimes, people pretend to be open saying that they are ok with bringing another person while they are still dating. They convinced themselves to accept everything to maintain a little affection.

Couldn’t an open relationship cause more shame? Also - trendy is what it sounds like along with no self control required unless you’re at the gym as a gay man then you’re self control with your body must be flawless. LoL

Cheating and not getting caught makes life easier hahahaha

Wow, a lot of raging judgements being made in these comments. There’s a difference between expressing an opinion and damning everyone in an open relationship to hell. When’re you guys burning the witch?

Please help this mature whiite Marine be gay i will love with my ❤ for helping me be like you

Best relationship by far totally open. Fusional is not for me

These comments are just full of monogamous people calling poly people disgusting. Crazy how simple saying “polygamy is great if it works for you” is met with such visceral hate

4 gays. 4 disappointed fathers

If you just stay with one person then you don't have catch anything and use protection ..

I prefer open Like to have my CAKE and eat it too..Beside I dont want nobody putting chains on me..