"you neglect your own needs" yes... But how about not even knowing what your needs are, that's a whole other level. Your identity is crushed and narrowed down to accommodate your parents
This is me to the core! Maid, nurse, listen lady, chef, honor student, I did it all when I was a kid. To this day my sister and I still preface what we tell each other with " don't tell mom." The fear of being engulfed really hits for me. I want to be married and have kids, but I am often worried that I will fall for someone who is either too needy , take advantage of my caregiving, or will frown upon my hobbies, dream, etc and just keep locked away. The isolation tendency is pretty big for me too..... I honestly have not heard this topic described like this and I am so thankful I found you!
Mine use me as their counselor. As a child I just knew they were unhappy. I did things to ease their burdens thinking it would make them feel loved and happy. Now in my 40s. I'm at my breaking point. But unfortunately the dynamics have been in place so long. That now that I set boundaries it's all Fallen apart. They both have threatened each other. Tried to kill themselves because we are forgiving. I had my mother arrested. And now I'm just shutdown. I just can't deal right now. I feel numb.
I have watched a lot of videos about parentification after discovering this was probably the cause for the immense and apparently unjustified anger I have always felt towards my mom. She is the daughter of a narcissistic mum and had the role of the scapegoat. She carried a lot of suffering with her and she still does and growing up there's always been a lot of drama I witnessed surrounding my mom and my grandmom relationship (countless attempts of reconciliation that failed so my mom would end up crying endlessly). She also developed an autoimmune diseases (lupus) as you would expect and that was also a source of suffering. I think I've felt like it was my responsibility to make things better so I was the perfect obedient child, very good in school, the joy for both my parents. The growing up I developed this immense need for exploring and travelling so I eventually dropped my good job and went travelling for a few years with massive disappointment of my parents. I've now met the most amazing man but he is not a traveller and he is very much ready to settle down, while I would continue being a nomad cause that's what makes me the happiest. It's like I haven't had the opportunity to play and be careless as a child so now the world has become my luna park and I have no intention on taking on any kind of responsibilities (marriage, mortgage and things like that). I feel like a peter pan in a world that expects me to grow up, when I've just finally started to have some fun. I'm losing my sleep finding a way to keep my man and keep travelling and backpacking but in my core I am afraid that this relationship will get me stuck, that I will lose myself and I won't have my needs met once again (maybe that's the engulfment you were talking about in the video?). Thanks for your videos they helped me immensely understand what the hell is going on with me!
I've also felt a great need to go traveling and explore, but at some point I thought about why am I so stuck on "escaping" and realized that I just want to erase my past life, myself, where I come from and most of all my family. I want to pretend like none of them exist, because in my head I thought that would grant me freedom, but in reality I think I would just be running from things. I suppose it's not really a problem for now, since I can't afford travel. Lol
Wow! Im speechless. You summerized me to a T. Hope and healing for all. We all deserve happiness and peace ( even though we dont feel that we are deserving)
I was in elementary school when I walked into my parents room at midnight and asked them to let me unlock the door for my sister to come in. They locked her out and told me to not let her in because they were upset with her. Meanwhile she was pounding on the window telling me to let her in. I was crying my eyes out and tried to mediate between them… as an elementary schooler. I didn’t realize how messed up this was until much later as an adult.
I had a stomach ulcer at 9 years old from the stress of being parentified. The pediatrician tried to give my mom the book "Codependency No More" and she lost it and we never went back to that pediatrician. My mom tells this story as if it's a feather in her cap, I was always confused and hurt. I have CPTSD, and you ticked all the boxes for me.
When I was 10 I had so many mouth ulcers from stress, I had to be given liquid lidocaine for the pain. I had to start taking care of my sister and my mom at the age of 7.
A lot of GenXers were parentified. I was along with many of my friends. Having huge responsibilities at a very young age. Traumatized an entire generation
Oof. You didn’t even start before I felt like I got hit by a truck. “You don’t want to be engaged in anything overly demanding” and the isolation to self-regulate. That explains a lot.
I was the only child of my moms. She was very strong and resilient and beat the odds and lived a largely normal life despite having cerebral palsy and being unable to walk. That all changed when my dad died… her mental health declined, she stopped walking on canes and I had to always take care of her and worry about her and everything was my fault.. it was very hard. The biggest issue I still have is that I struggle asking for help… I hate feeling like a burden. I avoid relying on anyone because I can’t seem to rely on decent people.
Yyyyeah... I didnt even know this was a thing until just now watching this. 100% agree with everything. The only thing I would add is that the isolation or lack of wanting to make new friends is because I dont have the bandwidth to take on someone else to take care of. Also the resentment when someone new asks for help because if I had to figure it out for everyone else why the hell cant anyone else figure things out for themselves.
I am the eldest daughter, parentified and avoidant. To me, any kind of symbiotic connection causes resentment and fight or flight response. All I want in life is peace and freedom to just be. And relationships do come with pressure. I’ve been the “adult” my whole life, and now that I am actually an adult and can choose autonomously, I choose freedom at all costs. I dread being too connected to someone. Yet, I crave to be understood and seen. I’ve been attracting so many anxiously attached people in my life, that has additionally drained me. And the result? Being single and feeling lonely, but rejecting any opportunity to connect deeper because of the fear of loosing my peace I waited for for so many years as a child.
This is absolutely fascinating, this all resonates so much. I'm trying to imagine what it must be like to live without these ways of being, how others must experience the world through a completely different lense. Thank you 🙏💙
I had to pause the video every time you mentioned something that made me go "I'm being called out right now" because I could remember things in my past that would go unexplained. This feels weird, but needed.
This was so insightful! I was surprised with the topic of play. I could not figure out why other adults enjoyed playing with their kids or nieces/nephews and why I struggled with it but it makes a lot of sense now. Thank you for sharing this content!
You just described all of the interpretations that my birth chart have described without mentioning astrology at all. One of my aspects jn my chart is that i dont own the trauma and that in my mind it's not ny story. It also says that if I had a child I would then resonate with my pain through them. Im here to say yes. Ive been unpacking this 'trauma' and im not there yet to say it is trauma but i can say i have just finally FELT what i guess i should have felt then or pushed away.
I'm aware of the fact I was parented. Watching this video is triggering. I only feel better when I prettify my parents and forget what they have done that hurt me badly. At the mean time, I feel ashamed to have this experience even though I rationally know it was not my fault. Overall, I agree I need help, but my wall is too high to let help in.
Is this why I can't play? I can't even make myself play with my kid and enjoy it. I go through the motions, but it feels like torture the entire time. I thought it would get better as he got older and could play less tedious games. Nope. I've just never been able to engage in play, not since I was seven or so.
HI! DESPITE THESE SIGNS I'M STILL CONFUSED IF I WAS PARENTIFIED OR NOT AT THE AGE OF 14. PLEASE HELP ME I was 14 years old when my mother gave birth to our 4th sibling. I remember being opposed to my parents idea of being pregnant again because of our financial needs at that time. When my mom gave birth and get home, just a few days later when my mom decided to go to work and my father as well. It all started when I was taught how to change the baby's diaper - my mom automatically decided and asked me if I can take care of our sibling. As a 14 year old daughter who have no idea how heavy the responsibility would be and just wanted to help her parents - I agreed. But weeks, months, and years after, there were times where I will cry on my own while carrying the baby on my chest because she won't stop crying and I was physically exhausted and wanted to sleep. I called my mom what to do and they just said give her milk, but the baby didn't stop crying so I had to figure it out on my own because I didn't want to bother them anymore because they're working and it was the least I can do for them. Years after those challenging times of raising a sibling, I started to be emotionally distant towards my parents because I realized my efforts and care was not appreciated and acknowledged. I became resentful because I felt unseen and until now that I am in my 20's. I became more disciplinarian than them towards our youngest sister because I took care of her the most, although I don't blame them for working and being busy because our family needs money - simple appreciation of the things that I did at school and at home, I rarely feel and receive those from them. For me they didn't know how many times I cried on my own to make the baby fall asleep, they didn't know how physically and emotionally exhausted I was, because they didn't ask me as well. All they care about is the baby being alright and safe. Our oldest sister wasn't there to help me take care of our baby sister because she stayed in our grandmother's house for quite some time, that's why my parents entrusted our sister to me. I am the second born and we are four girls. Now that I am in college, I still take care of our youngest sibling but not as much when I was in high school because college is more challenging and stressful. Every time I became busy my parents, particularly my mom would say that we are too being busy at school that we can't take care of our baby sister properly and even teach her on homework and teach her to read. Which I admit, but sometimes it just pains me how she can't understand that I have my own life as well not just the life as a caretaker of my sibling. She's also strict and protective that even coming home at night because of student organization duties makes her mad. There are also times where I unintentionally shout at our youngest and 3rd sibling for being stubborn and playful esp when I'm stressed, I felt guilty and bad because that's just normal for their age. I started to reflect back that maybe my temper became short and also my patience because of the experiences I went through that I bottled up inside. I often let it out towards my siblings which makes me feel bad about myself but I can't help it. All those years of caretaking for our youngest, I started to feel exhausted of taking care of anyone and I don't want to have kids in the future because I felt like I had enough already. I just wanted to travel, study and work, and provide the things I really deserve for myself. Our family is okay, I have both father and mother and 3 siblings at home but ofc not every time it's like that. Every time my parents have fights and arguments I will feel responsible and the need to protect my siblings and our youngest sister especially. My family is complete but we are not really open to each other as we thought our family are. My oldest sister started to have mental health issues when she had depression in 2020, that's the Covid-19 crisis, she became vulnerable and my parents didn't know how to comfort her and we don't have the money to get her professional help. Since they can't fully understand, I stood by my sister even after her depression stage when she feels lonely again and she can't tell our parents because they sometimes get mad. In our family, I felt like I need to be strong for our oldest sister and other siblings. I am the advice giver and often receive compliments from parents friends that I look more mature than my oldest sister or I am mature for my age. That's maybe because I took care of our sibling at a young age. Now I am confused if I was parentified or not. Can you guys help me?
My youngest sibling have no special needs or anything, she's completely normal but I think that early experience of having such responsibility really impacted me as I age. I have so much resentment to my parents and they're oftentimes emotionally unavailable especially our mother.
