Picky Eating Isn't About the Food | Katie Kimball | TEDxHartford 

Skycloud: Love your comment. My parents were worried about Anorexia when I was just Nine years old. They just couldn't grasp that I wouldn't eat meat, drink milk and many others. I believe the only thing that was disordered about my eating was the constant concern about what I wouldn't eat rather than working with what I would.

People who aren’t parents don’t understand. Kids waste a ton of food and money. Parents don’t want to make three different meals. It’s honestly ridiculous. Over analyzing this is another woke reasoning for a kid being a victim. I was a picky eater and my parents didn’t cater to me. And I’m glad they didn’t. Y’all need to realize you’re stressing your selves out for little to no reason.

@@xbemos except that's YOUR opinion. Just because you don't relate to it doesn't make it non-true. There is science, research, and studies behind it. It isn't one size fits all. Glad it worked out that way for you and you are content with your results, but your theory doesn't apply to everybody. Most of this is coming from actual parents too. It does go deeper for some or many.

I live indonesia And here we have wierd food Like bat (paniki), we have like fermented rice that we roasted in bamboo(i think its chinese) And i dont like the smell and the visual and family keep saying like u gonna starve to death when u go to other place I mean i eat fried tofu, stir vege, fish, chicken, beef. Everyfood that not so complicated to make Just fry and some salt i can eat it

Shut up and eat your vegetables...

Grown up picky eaters - definitely exist!!

Let's not make it complicated. This very advice will apply to adults, they just have to apply the 5 P's to themselves (aka, you parent yourself). At the foundation, adults are simply grown children with tons more exp and the ability to parent themselves

Well, they need to get over it.

@@yourlocalraven489not as easy as it seems.

Embrace what you've got and work with it instead of against it, yes!

this sounds like a deeper issue and has very little to do with food.

​@@kirstieb8025yap, most likely something to do with lack of control ( of whats going on) and lack of safety in specific time in life ( childhood perhaps)....

Absolutely! And then, there's the environmental effects. When I was a kid, my mom fed me peas from a can and I spit them out. Later, she tried vanilla ice milk (yes, it was a thing in the olden days) which I also rejected. So, the rest of my young life, I was told I dont like peas, I don't like vanilla ice cream. One day, I ate a raw, fresh pea accidentally put on my salad adn I was in love. Then....vanilla ice cream (not ice milk, which both my mother and mother-in-law preferred) and vanilla is my favorite flavor. Do the math here. ( But I will say that from that first bite ...until today. No olives. Ever. Please!)

The great news is that it's not too late to shift your palate and learn to work with, not against, the way your body wants to respond! My husband added new flavors in his 30s. :) See what you can do to adjust (IF that's what you want), and of course send this to your family so they can calm down about your preferences. :)

In other words, even at 26 yrs old, you are still not dealing with the core issues that make you a "picky eater" and therefore, working to move past it. What she is saying is it can be FIXED if you REALLY WANT to try, not just fall back on the same old "oh, I'm such a picky eater" thing. I also think it can be a cry for attention, regardless of age. 🤷🏼‍♀️ sorry

@@SymphonySaysCry for attention lol you’ve not got a clue

@@SymphonySaysnice advice guy.. that’ll help him

Food tastes different to me than normal people. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that people don't realize that I want NOTHING more in this world than to be able to eat all the foods they love. I woukd live to not be constantly embarrased in eating situations, on dates, family gatherings, etc. I hate this about myself and it truly takes more joy from my life than nearly any other issue.

I had dinner at a friend's place and her Mum was like that. She could see me eating really slowly and she told me I didn't have to finish it if I didn't like it or I was full. I was slow because of sensory processing issues but I really appreciated her attitude as I grew up in a family where I've sat at the table for so long after being told "you can't leave the table until you eat it" that the adults just gave up.

My mom was like that as well she also never made us clean our plates

Learning later on in life that parents appreciate it immensely if you tell them these types of realisations. I usually mention them casually when my dad does something that reminds me of a childhood memory that I'm fond of. We had a pretty rocky father-son relationship (both more stubborn than the other) but dropping these small appreciations ment a lot to him and it has affected our relationship so much.

Yeah this is how kids grow up not being picky eaters. When you give them options they grow up picky and end up being too picky to try some awesome foods and flavors. Starts from baby ages.

Jillian, this is my favorite quote of today! ;) "Don’t mess up your relationship with them over a broccolini stem." So on point!

@@KatieKimball Thanks! I believe that my relationship with my mother was seriously damaged by our struggles over food. I hated dinner time. I felt a failure because I couldn’t/wouldn’t eat what she wanted me too. I bet she felt a failure as a mother but she would comment on what I ‘still hadn’t learned to eat’ every time we broke bread together. Such a waste. Of course it set the stage for so many other struggles. Get the message out there please!

But growing children need food😅

@@bolarinwagidado1689 if you offer healthy choices they can’t go wrong. If there are hard boiled eggs bananas peanut butter cheese bread even a home made quick bread or cookies whatever they choose it’s going to be nutrition. Win win

@Janet Slater, I guess you've allowed your dad to enjoy his "specialty" with pickishness, without asking yourself if you could just be fed up with it, and let him prepare and eat his choice of food so that you and the other members of the family could make their choice of what's on their plate. That would've taught him a lesson, instead of enjoying his family members' compliance with this tyranny. Your dad was a selfish person! No offense, but there are people who show charm on the outside, and other welcome treats of character, but once you get to know what's on the inside?!! Habitual role play in families is a burden at times, I'm from a family of 11. Mom did the cooking, traditional in the fifties. This changed of course. And last but not least... you could've prepared your own food, am I right?

@@devonseamoor I was a kid during a lot of this, so I didn't realy have much say or power. It also took my mom years to finally stand up to him, and say no. I also wouldn't exactly describe my dad as "charming" by any stretch of the imagination. He was just "there" and that was about it. Emotional neglect is a real thing.

My DH is also a very picky eater and he is vocal about it. I believe it tracks back to his childhood where every night his guardian (yup not raised by his parents) would serve the exact same meal. No joke, it’s 100% true. Pinto beans and tortillas. That’s it nothing else. He told me that he was so sick of eating the same dinner every day that he would refuse to eat and sometimes later sneak back into the kitchen to make a peanut and butter sandwich because he was so hungry. So for him being a picky eater gives him a sense of control when it comes to food, since he had no control over what he ate as a kid. I completely know why he is a picky eater, I just don’t know how to keep him feeling in control of his food choices while being flexible with what some of the other people in our household would like to eat.

@@devonseamoor I agree with this comment. My grandma made 2 dinners every night because my grandpa and her had such different food preferences. Absolutely ridiculous

I divorced a man like this. So glad I did. He was so controlling.

if you’re ashamed of it why don’t you work on fixing it

I'm currently doing these montessori practices with my children at home. And it's great! From food prep to clean up, my son is very involved in the process. It is messy, but I absolutely love it, and I love seeing how engaged he is, and how much he's learning in the process. He currently has foods that he doesn't eat, even if he helps prepare them, but I have noticed that he's at least willing to try. And allowing him the opportunity to follow his own cues, listen to his body on what smells/tastes/feels right or not has made mealtime not as stressful as it sounds for other families. You got me misty-eyed a bit talking about your now 30 year old son, because it makes me imagine (and further excited to see) the kind of man my boys will become :). My 7 month old is definitely taking his time with his introduction to solids. His brother dove in with finger foods from the start, but he seems to be more comfortable with purees. Looking forward to seeing how else his journey with food differs lol

@@DukeChubbyDun Something else that’s important is miniaturizing furniture. We put up a second clothing rail in his wardrobe about 1 m from the floor and got lots of little hangers so he could hang his own clothes. We played “let’s put all the things with “red” on together etc. His bed was low and his bookshelves were just two high so he could reach everything. All his toys were timber and natural fibres. It was such an enjoyable experience for both of is. I didn’t know it was Montessori, it was just my instinct and logic, but learnt later about Montessori and also brought in lots of ideas from The (Rudolf) Steiner philosophy.

What a wonderful testimony to immersive food experiences and intuitive parenting! Fun to hear that at 30 your son still has those good habits. :)

@@DukeChubbyDun So great to hear this! You're noticing a lot about your kids which will serve you as a parent (and them) so well in many arenas of their growth. Less stressful mealtimes are a very common result of taking this approach! :)

My husband and I have a similar set up for our boys! My youngest is using a bassinet, but my older son has a low bed, he has full access to his clothes, so he's able to dress himself each day. The same for his shoes, his bookshelf, toy shelf, etc. He also has access to his drawer in the kitchen where his cups, bowls, etc are. I'm first generation American, and I was raised with a connection and understanding of my/my parents culture. Although I discovered montessori practices recently, I loved it because much of it was not too dissimilar to how my parents did things growing up back home, and how they raised me. I would guess that most others with 2nd and 3rd world backgrounds could probably see the overlap as well. I kind of just added some methods and a few new ideas from the montessori method when I became a parent. But what you said (or wrote 🙂) is key- instinct, logic, and I'll add observation is key to fostering an enjoyable learning environment for these little beings 😊 I'll have to check out the Steiner Philosophy 👍

It's so fascinating to look back and learn about our own childhoods! Love this!

Pyytipannu? Is that the Finnish cut potatos with some onions and ham?

@@SuomiMama Originally Swedish, but yes it’s the same

I love this real life success story!

You're a grown-up now. Eat whateverthehell you want. But please, eliminate all processed seed oils from your diet. They are rancid before they get to your kitchen.

please dont take the seed oils comment to heart. i understand how hard it is to eat even the things you like sometimes, and thats without diet culture fear mongering. most large studies show that seeds oils are not inflammatory, the majority of "proof" against seed oils are small studies and anecdotal evidence.

I'm so happy to hear that! Hopefully now you have some ideas about what to dig into to build a great relationship with food now.

I am guessing that happens to a lot of kids - it's like mini mouth trauma. My daughter is likely experiencing the same thing as she has convinced herself she doesn't like nuts after having oral appliances, but she used to love them. :( It's a tough road back!

Yes but unfortunately not with my child .. good to hear it works for you..xxx

It's a long play! Takes time, and not magic. @@shamsahennadesigns6279

For sure! Not everyone needs to eat salad to be healthy. Can you eat cooked veggies? Or put them in smoothies? We want some veg for vitamins of course, but they certainly don't have to be raw.

Good job, your mom! I'm sure you're grateful that she was wise and intentional in her parenting. :)

What are the vitamins you took, I need advice

@@sarahgumball8597 I usually take Women's Alive vitamins.

Aw gee...that is a huge compliment, thank you, Beth!

So well said! We all have assumptions at times that others think/behave like WE do, because our internal experience is often the only one we know. I'm so glad this talk helped you understand the inner world of others to increase your empathy! :)

@@KatieKimball I noticed when I was really little I'd always picture a story I read or heard as a familiar setting if I didn't see any pictures. Like maybe I'd picture their yard looking like mine or their grocery store looking like one of mine. They visited their grandma and pap and in my mind their grandma and pap's house looked like mine. Or maybe if streets had names shared with my town, I'd picture my town's version of that street. If I didn't do that, I imagined it being like something else familiar to me. Maybe I imagine them being in a cartoon I like for example. But if something was described, even a little, I could run with it with my imagination. I've learned as I got older to let my imagination do the work. It's weird how we have such big imaginations as a species but we so often imagine the rest of the world as what we know and understand. Or at least I do.

Those are tough challenges and I'm SO glad to hear that you're able to work on your eating and got a dx! There's hope - there's healing - there's a good rel'ship with food for you soon!!

My favorite thing is when people are surprised and learn something new! Thank you!

Yes, 100% -- it's soooo stressful to worry that our kids aren't eating enough! But we can reset our thinking and take baby steps -- good goal with the snacking!

Weird, cuz back in the '60's, someone had to cook it, so that was our only option...whatever was put on the table. Between meals? If we asked, mom wd offer us an apple. That was it. No pop, candy, fast food, cookies, or chips on a regular basis. We all ate everything. I brought up my kids the same way, with same results.

Sometimes we made a grazing plate on the weekend. The food was healthy and the kids could nibble on between playing.

Both very good reminders! I often recommend "build your own" bars to parents of picky eaters, as it gives everyone options about what to eat but also the unity of the family eating together (and the parents are making the choices about what is served).

Yes! Nutrition for children adds up over weeks and months, as opposed to within a day :)

Sometimes kids just know what's healthy and what's not. I was the same, no animal products and my parents took forever to accept this.

@@annie_violet Amazing!!! I know very few people who seemed to arrive on a Vegan bend. Did your parents also try to persuade you to eat what you refused? My parents were so worried that something was "wrong" I still deal with individuals who seem to think I need dietary advice...from them. I'm patient though. I do realize that for the vast majority of people eating the way you and I do os actually a serious struggle.

@@annie_violet Some vegan diets are worse than dairy and meat! Careful...

@@Jennifer-gr7hn all diets can be bad. Non vegan diets are generally worse

That's so sad that it affected the way you feel about yourself! :( Do you see any of the 5 Ps in your history?

Please don't blame yourself. You may just have more discerning taste.

Your self esteem is yours. If it's low, build it up. The power of vulnerability book/audiobook may be a good place to start your journey

So glad to add a new perspective!! Ages 2-5 is VERY normal for kids to start to test boundaries and have a lot of strong opinions, but it doesn't have to stay a problem if you stand firm on what you serve and don't "only" offer what the child loves best. Keep up the intentional efforts!

Same… I have kids that gag and vomit… they are also on the autism spectrum… so I let go of the guilt… and feed them what they will actually eat.

Obviously do whatever you want, but when your kids become obese, diabetic or anemic, don't blame anyone but yourself

I applaud you for even trying. You're already overwhelmed so you deserve appreciation for even trying one small step. Go look in the mirror and tell yourself (even if it feels silly) that you're a good mom and doing your best. Then maybe pick ONE tactic here to try. And remember, she says it can be a MINIMUM of 3 times before a child might come around to a new food. I have a 13-yr old with ADHD who has major issues surrounding food it's a struggle to get her to try anything new. She's hypersensitive to smells and textures. As a single mom myself, I think we need to support one another. No mom guilt allowed! 😉🥰

Ignore guilting people. May I suggest vitamin stickers from patch md. My child only eats one brand of chicken strips, pasta and (sometimes) pizza. That’s it. I did nurse him for a long time (years) because he refused food. It’s not because I did not know. He’s my fourth child. He’s the only one like this. The vitamin patch helps me keep my own will to live, lol.

I literally just left the same comment. Luckily I still have a 5 and 12 year old but wish I could have started much earlier w/ each of them !

I had peanut butter and jelly in the cabinet. If you don't like dinner, you can make a sandwich. They'll be fine.

You set boundaries, they have choices - when done in love, a wonderful system! Well done!

I still don't think it will work for my 11 year old. She doesn't eat meat, fruit or veggies. I don't know what to do. Do I just let her go hungry? She doesn't eat breakfast, eats her beefaroni or grilled cheese at school and then no supper. And if I changed her lunch, that would be 3 meals no food. She literally would not eat.

@@nevergoingtobehappy4112 she may need a blood test. Some blood deficiencies such as low b-12 can actually muck with appetite to the point that nothing is appetising.

So happy to help, Adrianna! Keep up the good work!

I'm sure that experience was huge in your relationship with food!

@@KatieKimball Thank you for your response,, I greatly appreciate it. Yes, definitely; food has played an interesting character in my life. I also have a condition that adds to complications in eating some foods (had the condition for 2/3 of my life). I guess it has been a lifelong learning experience of what I can or cannot eat while trying to keep a stable weight. I'm trying to expand my knowledge and understanding so I can help myself and hopefully help others in future. Knowing more about how the body works and exercises that can help issues like trouble swallowing are key to helping my body in my daily life.

Power and control are big issues around food to be sure...

That's always what I love to hear! Same here...even I have to remember to be consistent! ;)

Sounds like your body might have been telling you what was good and not good for you, amazing!

For sure - not one size fits all. Do you try making deconstructed meals? That's a great strategy when members of the family have different preferences.

Totally! Kids love growing their own food and often munch veggies right out there in the garden. Thanks for pointing that out!

@@KatieKimball yes! My parsley and basil rarely get from the window to the table :) and grandmas garden is better than anny playground

It can. That’s basically where I learned that it was more than picky eating for my daughter. She doesn’t even want to touch it. We’re in 10 years now. She doesn’t really care about food. And will go days without eating if you force her.

I imagine that may have developed from a response to your parents’ approach to food power struggles. The fact that you are aware of this is amazing. Parent-child dynamics are hard to overcome, especially while living together, but not impossible. As you get older I hope you are able to put your own enjoyment and expansion of experiences above hanging on to old stances. Who is truly winning when you deny yourself pleasure and increased choices? Sometimes it really does come down to that question: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? I think your awareness means you are on the way to overcoming these limitations.

@@heatherowl thank you, just to be clear I’m not a minor(not saying you assumed it, just saying for clarity), but your reply is very helpful, I appreciate it

Awareness is HUGE! I think if you can shift your own mindset to an understanding of changing tastebuds and palate, that will go a long way. Ask your parents to list some foods they didn't like as kids but enjoy now...as a foundation for the conversation of food preferences shifting naturally, not something they were "right all along" about. You can be "right all along" that your tastebuds *will* change. ;)

Absolutely - when you look at statistics on things like texture sensitivity and picky eating, kids on the autism spectrum are somewhere like 10x more likely to experience them than neuro-typical kids. The 3rd "P" of "processing" covers this trait, that sensory processing difficulties can make it very challenging for kids to approach food without fear. Getting professional help is a great idea when processing is an issue.

Hey just so you know, and I'm correcting you as kindly as I can, but there's not really such a thing as people having "mild autistic traits" in their genes. You either ARE or ARE NOT autistic. Any person with autism will feel things differently and have different sensory issues and comorbidities. That's why it's a spectrum. Every experiences things to some degree, but when it becomes a disorder it means it's affecting and impeding your daily life. Autism is a disorder, some more than others, but there is no "mild autism" just people who aren't affected as severely. I'd be considered in the past to be "mild autistic" or "high-functioning" bc I can drive and kinda work and kinda fit in and I'm smart, but both of these labels are harmful and inaccurate. My symptoms affect me to the point I am disabled. I can never work a normal job with normal hours, I get overwhelmed very easily, and I struggle with severe executive dysfunction. Also, I'm a very picky eater. It's mostly always texture that throws me off. Taste is second. Smell is third.

Yeah. My grandma told me that my sensory and executive function problems might be an extremely mild case of autism.

That's horrible and abuse! I'm sorry to hear your parents would treat you like that.

@@magentasky234 It's okay they've gotten a little bit better and I now realize it's wrong so I fight them on it.

I'm so sorry that generation didn't understand what was wrong about that approach! :(

God bless you for giving a home to your great nephew! The connection and love you'll give him may be the very thing he needs to release some control of what he eats. Stress = picky eating! Because you've reduced some of his stress, you'll probably see improvements and I'm tickled that you already are. Keep up the good work!

Please share this talk with your folks! Maybe you can start to have more in-depth conversations about how food works with your body and mind, and they might want to understand more. Best of luck!

Like she says, you need to learn how to cook.

Today for instance I made chicken coconut curry. It was no trouble to keep some chicken out of the sauce, it was no trouble to offer the rice without curry sauce, and no trouble to put a bottle of soya sauce on the table. It was very little extra work to put some slices of cucumber and some cherry tomatoes on a plate. Today she did not try the curry, but the yogurt convinced her to sit down with us and eat, which is how she noticed the colorful raw veggies that magically disappeared too.

@@Moondymon23 I LOVE the phrase, "parents provide, children decide!" Such a great ring, and it sounds like you've hit the child's agency and your boundaries just great!

Good reminder! Parents can be detectives to an extent, but nothing beats a professional when serious problem feeding occurs.

Great place to start! It may take some time to unravel habits from childhood, but many people can work *with* their own sensitivities and find lots of food they can enjoy. Good luck! :)

I'm with you on your bottom line philosophy, that we can't simply cater to kids and short order cook, and certainly no one should be eating chicken nuggets and mac and cheese all the time, or preferably never. There are some graceful ways to help kids build a good relationship with food and with their family.

Oh funny, I didn't even do that intentionally but I also love how well it works!!

I agree! Many "picky eaters" are really just food connoisseurs! :)

Cooking definitely helps you widen your palate, and don't worry about being a supertaster - it's a real thing! Maybe you'll be a food connoisseur someday and invite your dad to your restaurant. ;)

I'm 49 and a picky eater. One of the worst for me is spices. I found out as I got older and would try spices that I was actually allergic to many of them. Anything in the ginger family, just even smelling them, causes my throat to close up. It's a really rare allergy and lucky me to have it. I have allergies to some of the others but not as bad as the ginger family. I'm also a supertaster as well as having other processing disorders. My daughter is so empathic she can feel the emotions food was cooked with, not to mention the feelings of the animals in meat. It makes it hard for her to eat anything she does not make herself. There are many reasons for food preferences and you'll figure it out.

Hey! I was like this. A good starter is siracha! Its spicy tomato sauce/ ketchup. Very yummy and an easy start! I started by tasting some of what someone else was eating. If I liked the look or smell, I wish you all the best on your journey! 🥰

There are some people who are more able to tolerate spicy foods than others. It means you have more receptors on your tongue. You can build up a tolerance over time. Your options are to start with a mild spice and work your way up to a hotter one (probably the best option), try foods from cultures that cook with spices (adding spice to a food that's not designed to be spicy won't always work the way you intend because of the ingredients involved), or if you're really impatient you could try adding hot sauce to everything. Your desire not to let your family down is exactly what the lady was talking about in the video. It's another form of Pressure. Also, your Dad belittling you really isn't okay. It's actually psychologically counter-productive. Positive reinforcement is a far more suitable method to change things in your life. Maybe set yourself a goal where you work towards a certain level of Scovilles (what they measure spiciness with) and, assuming you can get your Dad on board, he cheers you on and helps you positively reinforce the experiences instead of making you feel bad if you can't do something (which negatively impacts your experience of spiciness).

I’m so sorry to hear about your dads reaction to your eating struggles. I have suffered through that myself so I can relate. Your dad doesn’t seem to realize he’s actually hurting your relationship with him which is so precious and necessary. Whatever you do, if you ever decide to get married, be on the lookout for a man who constantly criticizes you. The reason for that is simple, many times women select their future spouse who are similar in behavior to their dad. Good or bad. You don’t want to spend your life with s man constantly on your case about any little thing. I noticed it lot of people mentioned hot sauce. That was great for soldiers who were in the Vietnam war. I don’t recommend it if you struggle with eating. If you take a bite of food doused with hot sauce and it really is hot, like Sriracha, you are liable to not finish your meal. I can’t eat really strong tasting food, hot sauce is one. If you want to try any kind of sauce, try it on something somewhat bland so you can get the whole experience. Too hot? Too strong? Sriracha overwhelming? I hope you won’t put so much pressure on yourself to “please your family” when it’s not about them. It’s about what you have to live with. My husband told me a funny story. When they were kids their dad had a bad habit of fixing Grape Nuts cereal (don’t know why they were called Grape Buts-no grapes here). He then doused them in hot water until they got soggy. I guess they were supposed to be an oatmeal substitute. Anyway my SIL kept saying she couldn’t eat them. My FIL insisted she eat them. She took one big bite and proceeded to puke all over. My MIL laughed so hard she almost wet herself. Dad never did that again!

Most definitely! Gut-brain connection and leaky gut would be under "pain" for sure, and gut healing and mineral balancing often helps picky eaters. Thanks for bringing that up!