It's difficult to believe it's been three weeks already. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him or listened to his music. Since there are not people in my daily life that understand the pain, I'm grateful to have Shawols who share the same pain and won't judge me.
Seeing everyone gather together to honor Jonghyun's memory touched my heart. I felt such peace and comfort. For me, it was the beginning of the long healing process ahead. I remind myself that he is no longer in pain. He won't have to struggle to get through the day anymore. He is at peace looking over his family, members, and his beloved Shawols.
I can't help the tears that continue to fall. I still feel such immense pain in my chest when I hear his voice. I didn't understand why it hurt so much. I was angry. But then I understood. I felt pain because I put myself in other's shoes. If that was my brother, best friend or loved one, then wouldn't I feel pain? Must we close off our emotions to others simply because we don't have a physical connection to them? I feel the pain of others. Knowing they're hurting makes ME hurt.
How deep in sadness must someone be in to think that taking their life is the only way out? What a heavy burden to carry every single day. How exhausting is it to put on a smile on your face when all you want to do is break down and cry. All you want is for someone to hold you while you cry. You want someone to listen. No, you don't have to give me advice or try to understand what I'm going through. Hold me and just say that it's going to be okay.
Please, keep in mind that depression has nothing to do with gender. Anyone is susceptible to it. It doesn't make you any less of a man if you ask for help. MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
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5 янв 2018
