As a recovering alcoholic myself I think it’s great you’re asking for help! This is tough man. In my experience, just being able to learn how to start a conversation with my oldest kids was frightening to me. I keep pushing the issue though and now I can actually get a couple of sentences in response instead of a grunt or something. I guess my advice for whatever it’s worth, is to continue to try and keep an open dialogue with each other. Start a conversation about anything that might get a response, keep it open and moving, and build the trust. Our feelings are personal and we tend to guard them. It takes time and understanding, but it’s worth it. Just my experiences, hope it brings some insight. Keep up the good work.
I’ve never been quite in a situation like this myself. My nephew found his father, though he was older than your son. All I could say to him was that I was there if he ever needed to talk. I hope your family gets through this tough time. Much 💕
I disagree with ppl saying he needs counseling immediately. You as the parent need to be there and help him. Hold him when he needs it. Listen when he needs it. Treat him normal when he's normal. Don't let him continue to be in shock. Pending age he will snap out of it quick. If you treat h like a victim he will hold it for years. Be dad. Have mom be mom.
That’s really hard with no easy answer but I think being close and you being a listener is what he needs. Ask him his thoughts about death and afterlife. I will be praying. ❤️
Continued from previous post. Tell him he is strong for handling it like an adult if that's the case. Truth could be he is handling it better than you. 14 is an age of changing the way you see the world. Tell him the truth is YOU need help understanding, ask him for advice. Take the spotlight off him. You may be surprised how mature he is. I have a niece, when she was 9 she introduced herself to my wife saying, "Hi, my name's ******, my dad killed himself." Five years later I see her playing with her nieces and nephews, caring for those younger than her. She is standing next to me, turns and says, "Wow I remember you wearing that (black leather) trench coat long ago." I can't make this up. She put her hand on my arm and tells me, "It's okay, you'll grow up one day." !!!!!!!!! I'm 38 now still looking for a career, still a struggling addict and my niece is more functional than I am. Death doesn't have to break us. When one dies, we honor their memory by living our lives to the fullest A.K.A. moving on, being strong.
You can't explain how death works- no one can. Don't force him to talk, just tell him that you'd like to talk about it. . . But then the next part really needs to come from a place of your own family values. . . So without some kind of base to that idk much else. You know, fate vs choice, circumstances. . .a higher power or energy. . . etc. Maybe explain what you think, give him a little quiet time to see if he opens up. . . Then just say "hey thanks let me know if you want to talk about it later" and go about your day.
Some level of professional help may be warranted, considering the depression angle. From your side, I would recommend simple honesty and being straight forward with him, expressing your own lack of complete understanding may help as well. I would say it is better to let him know that this discussion is hard for you too, than to try and fumble your way through with a false face and bravado. You might also want to encourage him not to pull away from this moment or try to ignore it, but to step into it and focus on helping others dealing with the issue. I am assuming there is some connection between your family and the deceased, so encouraging your son to help and support their family with anything that he can do to help manage the chaos of the situation (cook a meal, mow the yard, clean the house, watch kids/grandkids, etc). This can help keep him occupied outside of his own head and allow him to exert a measure of control on a situation that often leaves people feeling helpless. I know you have expressed some level of antipathy towards religion or faith in general, but I have found it easier to have these big discussions when you can tie the subject into a larger framework that will allow you to better understand the process/necessity of death and that, in the grand scheme of things, death is not simply an end. As a Christian I would tie into that framework, but you might embrace a more generic Great Circle of Life (a la Lion King) framework to help him grasp the concept. Its never an easy discussion, so I will be praying for you and your family as you work through this trial.
What you need is professional help for him - pronto. There are some traumas that we as parents are not equipped to handle. Kids are masters at pretending they're fine, but he's not. If he doesn't get the help that he needs to be able to process this and move forward, it will start to manifest itself in his daily life and it will affect the entirety of the rest of his life. What a good therapist will do is talk to him solo for a few sessions to get to know his communication style and gain his trust and then they'll be able to talk more and more about finding her that day. Eventually I'm sure the therapist (if you have a good one) will bring you all in for family sessions from time to time. As parents, a big part of our job is to know what our limitations are and get our children help that we aren't able to give them. I feel I can speak with some level of credibility because due to what happened to me as a child, a judge ordered that my mother had to make sure I received professional mental health support. I was 10 years old.
He has a counselor already. And I know that's the person who's going to help them through this. I'm just not sure how to handle it from MY point of view. I want to be there for him but know it's over my head.
I'm not a Dad so I'm not going to speak on It from that point of view but what I will say is I hope you find what you need & other than that I just wanted to throw some love & positive energy your way.
😥🙏 when a traumatic event happened to me...the worst thing was that everyone ignored it like it never happened...I know you dont believe in "religion" but Jesus really showed up for me in my trauma and gave me peace and a feeling of power that was greater than the trauma...without that personal relationship with God...I'd say at least let him know your door is always open and there are grief councilors for children as well...even with Jesus in my heart...professional counciling at my level would have really helped me, I believe...but I cant say yay or any about that...everyone is different...but for what its worth to you...I'm asking God to really show up in a real way for you and your son...the way He has shown up for me...its impossible to dissect and quantify the...peace...and comfort He can provide...after all...who knows us better than the one who designed and created us? 🤷🏼♀️ but this is just the perspective of the child...not the parent...you're a good dad to care like you do!
Hey man, I just saw your video. I'm so sorry your family is going through this. The loss of a friend, loss of innocence and not knowing how to handle it. I never experienced something like this, so I don't really know what the right answer is either. Thinking back about when I was that age, I think it would have been shocking to me, and definately something that stood out in my memory. I don't think that it would have altered my mind severely. But everyone is different. Therapy could be a great option. If not for talking about what happened, just getting skills to manage his depression when he is still young.
I know you said you aren't religious, but not gonna lie, without understanding who Jesus is and why we are on this earth, explaining to a 14 year old, the meaning of life is almost impossible. So maybe don't talk to him as much as listen and just try to be there with him when he is ready to talk. Long drives are great for encouraging conversation as long as there are no headphones or games to cancel out conversation. Go fishing, go for a hike or camping, not sure what your interests are, but you need to be able to spend the time to earn his trust so that you can be there catch him when he starts to fall. I know this is months after posting this but your earnest request for help touched my heart. I hope your son is doing well, will be praying for you both to find answers. May love and truth be with you.
Not just looking for clicks. If I was I would have uploaded in the last two weeks. But putting myself out there like this helps me at times. That's all it is. Good luck with your recovery my dude.
This is such a hard topic. Every child is so different. I lost my youngest daughter a few years back and my oldest daughter and her father were the ones who found her dead. With my daughter I didn’t force her to talk about anything until she was ready. I do feel the need to note there is a large difference in ages (my daughter was 5) but anyways, I have made a point to talk to her every single day about anything she wants to talk about. I have always tried to let her know I am here to talk about anything. After about the first year she had a little bit of a breakdown. The only thing I could and can still do when she breaks down is be there. Show her she isn’t alone. Let her know that her family is here to support her. This is such a hard situation. And I’m so sorry you guys are going thru this. The only advice that I can really give is lead by example. This maybe where his mother will have to lead if you weren’t friends with the person. If you were friends then lead by example for him. I will be thing of you guys and send prayers and thoughts your way. i hope he really is ok and that he has figured out a way for himself to cope. I really wish you guys the best💕
Thank you so much for the warm thoughts and advice. I am Sorry for your loss. My ex wife's friend died, it's not exactly a loss for me. I didn't know the person who died. What you went through.... I can't even imagine. Your strength is incredible.
Not sure but maybe a father-son time can work too. I have heard that a warm hug can help too u know. Honestly speaking, no matter what ur still his Dad so you can explain the whole death situation to him ( texting this while walking). 🧡IDK if u believe in God but if u do ask him for guidance, he is the best help you can get for free ( more reliable than me at least 😅)
I'm trying to know what to do to help my son though. I appreciate your reply, I just don't know how to be there for HIM. It's not me I'm worried about.
Dude you really need to get thicker skin. You are on RU-vid. I just looked up the miracle on ice. It got 654 downvotes. Hell I looked up the cuppycale song from a 4 yo and it has 7k downvotes. Just do your thing and if you don't like the comments .... DONT READ THEM.
@@recoveringaddictreacts2024 damn dude. I know you went through some shit as an addict but holy fuck do you not have a spine. And don't worry I won't come back to your whining. I too an a recover alcoholic and I can take the damn heat. You act like criticism is the plague and you are on internet for ducks sake. This is not a safe space this ppl trying to either help or tear down. You literally took me saying be there for your son as heat. Wtf. Later bro. Hope you cont I'm recovery and stop being so whiny about comments. Everyone isn't going to love everything you do.
Part one: Here to help man. Check out this completely different approach. My little disclaimer I don't know the situation! Okay How did she die? Circumstances matter most. Was the death natural? (health problems or an accident?) or unnatural (Murder or Suicide?) My advice is based on natural. Growing up when someone passed my musical family was often called on to sing at funerals. It was usually for old people I didn't know. I'm not being callous by saying there may not be a problem. If the death was natural then don't assume he is traumatized. He may not be and don't need to be. So don't tell him what he should be feeling based on trying to protect and understand his feelings. Don't treat him like a child that dumb and confused or a wounded bird that can't handle discovering truth on his own. Death will come for everyone sometime, don't avoid it or making it bigger than it is. It is huge but doesn't have to define him from now on. If he says he is fine don't treat him like he is lying. To be continued...
My reply part one: she was 46 so way too young. They think it was a heart attack so natural but very sudden and unexpected. Given that she was only 5 years older than me I'm worried that he'll start thinking I might drop dead at any moment too.
@@recoveringaddictreacts2024 dude you might not survive your next car ride. Be honest. Your duty as a parent is to prepare him for the world. Tell all your kids anyone can die at anytime. Then tell them you love them everyday.
I honestly dont know how to deal with this specific situation, but one thing I know very well never to say to someone who is depressed is: "I understand you", "I get you", "I know how you feel" etc. Because not everyone experiences depression the same way, its a battle that can be fought with others but is inevitably up to the individual. You might understand what it's like to be depressed but how will your son know that you felt or experienced what hes currently experiencing?
Very good point. And one I keep coming back to. I want him to know I understand, even though I know that I don't understand. Does that makes sense? Because I'm 41 and it makes no sense to me so I'm really struggling trying to figure it out to a 14year old.
@@recoveringaddictreacts2024 If you've experienced depression then on some degree you do know what he feels. But most times the person in question will never fully believe someone who says they understand what they're going through. Words can only go so far, find a way to connect with him. Good luck :)
@@zennkon6414 I'm trying. Believe me, I know that he's never gonna just accept my words at face value. No 14 year old would believe that their dad understands them lol. I understand him though. And even in spite of that I don't know how to make it better for him.
@@recoveringaddictreacts2024 might be different because its me but the best thing that worked for me was people just hanging around me, not doing anything crazy like going to the pool or beach or something. But just hanging out, talking about games, shows, movies etc. Just being able to connect with people without that whole "im doing all this extra stuff because your sad" stigma was nice.
Bro, This stuff does not belong on RU-vid man. This is your personal family shit. If you’re looking for help on RU-vid with people you don’t know, you got a lot of issues. Get to a counselor and get some serious help bro. RU-vid is not the place to ask for advice…smh
I have counselors. I also think it's important to show that it's ok to talk about stuff like this. Other people might not, and that's fine. But I'm personally ok with showing my real life on RU-vid. If what you want is scripted, produced stuff.... There's plenty of that available on RU-vid. I think talking about real issues has its own place too though.
@@recoveringaddictreacts2024I reread what I said, and it kinda came out dickish. No offense. I was just stating how i thought was a bad way to handle something like that. Should have enough people in your inner circle plus counselors to combat your situation. good luck, and I hope things get better.
@@michaelkimball8192 my inner circle pretty much IS my kids tbh. So when it comes to issues involving them I can get a little lost. Don't think for a second I'm not talking this over with the professionals around me. But sometimes it's ok to just vent to, and ask for help. I got some great advice on this video and it helped me. I get what you're saying, "don't expect your subs to be a substitute for the help you need" basically right? Absolutely agree. But they can help supplement, and also show that it's ok to talk about this stuff. Kinda like a support group. I'm not looking for a counselor here obviously, and sure as hell I'm not one. This just helps give me that feeling of "you're not alone" while I hope at the same time giving someone else that feeling. Like it's ok to be honest about your struggles, because you aren't the only one going through it. I was kinda a dick in my reply too so I apologize, I misunderstood your message. I'm hoping we get each other a little better now. I saw you also commented you hoped I wasn't doing this for clicks... Like I said I hope you get me a little better now. If there's one thing you should know about me it's that NONE of this is so I can gain fame or followers or clicks or attention or any of that shit. That's the last thing I want, tbh. I want a community, not a "fan base" or whatever.
