Dr Donald Hilton, Northwest Coalition for Healthy Intimacy 2014 Conference, Portland, Oregon. "Pornography and the Brain: Understanding the Science of Addiction and Recovery"
Thank you so much. I am married to a man in denial who has become void of any emotion in our marriage, who has changed so much, I don’t know him him anymore. This man now tries to bargain with me, if he does something “nice” he expects sexual favours and thinks that’s okay. He’s so far gone. Pornography was something we had watched together because we enjoyed the stimulation. It’s become the dirty little secret that he now hides and lies about. He chooses pornography over having any kind of a relationship with me.... Unless he acknowledges there’s a problem, there will never be recovery. Any suggestions you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
Many people dealing with this have found it helpful to go to support groups such as S-Anon (www.sanon.org). You can find support from other people who are dealing with the same thing. Living with an active addict is a lot like having second-hand smoke-- you are impacted just by being around it. The addiction changes their personality and how they treat you. Finding a good therapist who has specific post-graduate training in dealing with sexual addiction (such as a CSAT) is also an important step. People dealing with these type of issues often find it takes a minimum of 12-18 months working actively with a therapist to address the underlying issues and start to create long-lasting change. Even if your husband refuses to go to therapy, please find a therapist and support network for yourself. You can't control whether he decides to change, but you can decide what you are willing to live with, what works for you in your marriage and set boundaries accordingly. Your sexuality is yours to use in a way that benefits your life-- not a duty you owe to your husband if he doesn't act like a jerk.
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