Psychoanalyzing Mak For 49 Minutes | Chosen Family Podcast  

I'm literally shaking and crying with excitement that they read my question. Alayna was the first openly queer influencer I ever followed, then TikTok became popular and I found Mak, then I got into stand up comedy and found Ashley. Now those three amazing women who helped me the most throughout my journey are talking about my life. That's unbelievable. I can't believe I heard my own words in Mak's voice hahaha THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU ALL ❤❤❤ This helped me so much more than I can put into words

STOPPING doing something that makes you uncomfortable for the sake of other peoples' comfort is like one of the hardest yet most important changes you can make for yourself and I fully support it.

mak doing the voice of a parent when their kid shows them a stick they found, while Alayna is showing off her bottles ^^

I love Mak getting more of a voice in this episode!

Mak I don't know your brain but I spent a couple years in therapy and had a hard time getting anywhere with it because I used to intellectualise my emotions. Like I would just explain to my therapist a messed up situation and say "it was really messed up and that's frustrating but it's in the past" like it was so hard for me to go deeper than that because i was raised by a type of family that never made space for conflict or emotion without it being explosive. My therapist reeeeeeeally had to gradually coax those feelings out of me. It can be really hard to fully confront emotions that you don't even know you had. Personally, it felt like grieving my relationship with my dad wasn't worth it. But I'm so glad I did because I have more space and quiet in my brain.. I'm also way more emotionally present and available for the people I love. ANYWAY i want a bagel now

This pod is my safe space. Who wouldn't want to watch three amazing, wonderful, beautiful people chat together 💜

Bless Alex for leaving in Alayna’s “omg this is a shit show” at the end. Love you guys! Just the right amount of chaos. ❤❤❤

This episode really got to me. Mak's family problems kinda mirrored my own and Alayna's and Ashley's advice on the matter is basically what I learned in therapy. We don't owe our parents a good relationship. We don't have to keep allowing them to step all over us. It's fine to set boundaries. It's hard. It's definitely hard, but it's worth it.

I love how hard Mak is working to end this episode, to no avail. 😊

Alayna cradling all of the water bottles at once is a perfect representation of the discussion earlier in the episode of how we hold our emotions while not fully processing the past and there is eventually too much that we will no longer be able to hold onto. This is precisely why I only watch these on RU-vid instead of listening.

I loved hearing from mak. Plus hearing what Ashley and Alayna said to her actually really helped me because I know I repress things but idk how to not do it so thank you. Also I love Ashley randomly chiming in with the bagel updates

Mak, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just wanna say it’s not dramatic to ask/expect that your family respect your partner’s significance/role in your life. Not continuing to placate your dad means you’re choosing yourself and your partner/your collective emotional safety and that’s so major ❤

speaking of merch, “trauma whore” and “oh my god this is a shit show” need to be on a hoodie immediately. love the show, love all y’all, i hope mak finds some peace❤

Ashley after this roller-coaster ride, we all deserve to know what you ended up eating?

Ashley's cat during the scream 😆

It was somehow really cathartic to hear Mak talk about her family and her dad's weirdness around her partner and about Mak being gay. This is such a real problem that so many of my queer friends and I to some extent have faced, and to hear even a very publicly out person having these same kind of struggles is...comforting somehow? It's affirming to hear that yeah, this IS hard and sucky; we're not overreacting about feeling bad. Anyway, thanks for the realness ❤ (But also please totally don't feel pressured to share more than you want to, though, internet intimacy is an unruly beast lol.)

The grief for the parent that you need and/or expect when they aren't really that is definitely real. Sending out the positive love for Mak ❤❤ ... As an aside, Ashley has invented 'good cop/bad cop' therapy playing off Alayna ... Loving the podcast, seriously you guys make our weeks better ... even for old straight white guys 🤗

This should’ve been called psychoanalyzing Mak for 45 minutes, and bagels

I laughed so freaking hard when Ashley started yelling when Mak’s gf texted

Despite (or maybe because? lol) Mak looking a little uncomfortable through most of it and it really going all over the place near the end, this was one of my favorite episodes.

I'm a Bi Black Witch and I go to a UU Church that loves and accepts me and my Bi child with no problems! Unitarian Universalists are people to let you worship without judgment!!! You are loved little one❤

I relate to having homophobic family. I recently accepted that my Jehovah's Witness family are, I had been avoiding actually calling it what it is to compromise and try and understand their perspective but it hadn't been good for me. I was met with silence everytime I brought up my partner like a normal person, and these stern expressions looking away from me etc. *shudder* I took a step back from them and it's been the most therapeutic thing I could have done for myself. Holding off on making a voodoo doll of my mother look at pictures of Pamela Anderson. 😂❤️

Putting up a boundary with a family member is one of the hardest things to do. it felt so scary and uncomfortable when I first did it, but it’s been really beneficial for mental health in the long term. Sending support 💜

This was the best bagel mystery show I've ever seen

i’m pan and am very involved in my church community. part of the reason i’m still able to be in the community while not being out to everyone is because i get a lot of comfort from knowing that who i believe my creator to be loves me and has known me and loved me more deeply than anyone else since he made me. knowing that has helped me be patient in finding accepting people within my church community which i have found! it’s really been recent that i have found someone accepting but they are so fiercely and completely accepting that it was worth the wait to find an ally. i have a feeling some of my other church friends will be just as completely accepting as the one is but it’s a scary thing to come out to church people so i also give myself the patience to come out to people when i feel completely secure in my relationship with them.

I was not ready for this face slapping episode. I didn't wake up and prepared to face so many feelings

Also Mak, ….just wanna share some of my experience with therapy.. Firstly, finding the right therapist that works in styles that matches how you work is really important. It took me a long time to find ''the right therapist'' as i was experiencing a similar disappointment, of ''ok, I went to therapy and nothing moved forward'' ….but different therapists work in different ways and finding the right one for you, is SO important and individual. (Like any other close relationship, some people you Collab with easily, others not as much). …Secondly, However I also found, that as I practiced this more, actually telling my therapist WHAT I need from them (you're paying for it, they are there to help serve your growth and mental health needs, so you are ALLOWED to tell them what you need from therapy) I feel like what you just mentioned on the pod you can bring to your therapists, why you feel like its hasn't been working the way you need it to. That's what they are there for!!! They will not be offended or hurt and usually in my experience are thankful that you speak up about your own therapy needs, and what IS and ISNT working for you in the therapy session platform. I know that can feel scary, but once you start being transparent with your therapist about all your feelings, including about those related to your therapy sessions, there's room for positive growth and it actually gives them a chance to meet your needs better. If you continue doing that consistently and still hit an wall with them, then you know that they are probably just not the right type of therapist for you. Different therapists work in different modalities and with different focuses. But you cant figure that out if you don't give them feedback on what you need from therapy. … Sorry if this is a lot. This has honestly helped me get the best out of therapy as it took my many years to recognise this and realise I could give strong feedback on needs. (this can be hard if you are a naturally conflict- averse person, which it seems like you might be, too.) But if you just face that *erhmm* "'discomfort'' of speaking up and practice that kind of open communication with your therapist, you are able to get so much more out of it, I swear. This in itself is also a healing practice, As who safer to practice speaking up for your needs with than a therapist. ... If none of this feels relevant to you than ignore it,...but i just have a feeling it might be part of whats going on.

Was starting to get The Sads after spending Thanksgiving alone, and then remembered I never finished this episode from last week. As a 30 year old queer who had a vast chosen family throughout my early and mid twenties, it's been a big adjustment as most of my friends have moved across the country as they've begun their careers. Thank you for this podcast for helping me get through the day!

This episode is definitely hitting home for me today, specifically because I’ve been having issues with my family and setting a boundary for myself/deciding to maybe not have them in my life anymore.

This episode hit hard. Completely relate to not feeling accepted or seen by parents.

This episode felt so real to me. Like i could relate to mak so so much. Having a homophobic dad and almost dead realationship with him is so hard.

The cat in the background is perfection.

Shout out to dadshley for that yell-woke me up real good.

hearing Mak talk about therapy feels exactly like my experience.. i dont feel things.. i intellectually figure things out but i dont experience emotions the same way as a lot of people do... i recently saw a therapist on tik tok talking about how she counsels people who are on the spectrum and they dont feel feelings either so she does things differently for them. Alexithymia describes problems feeling emotions and people on the ASD spectrum deal with that. I dont know if thats what Mak is dealing with but i relate to what shes saying.. also also : that question! im in the same boat as that person who asked that question.. and i loved ashley's answer too.. thanks ashley!

Just THANK YOU for sharing on that level of intimity. Your humanity is beautyfull. Love you ladies.

Loving the therapy talk!!! YES for differentiating symptoms and problems. YES for processing grief over our parents being unable to give us what we need. That shit is so real. And healing is possible! 💕

I think with what Mak was talking about it's really important to understand that therapy is not for everyone, it's great for people who it works for but it doesn't work for everyone. I took a long time to realise therapy wasn't something that worked for me and find other things that do!

I also give myself therapy! I realized I’m messed up and need therapy but have no access. So trauma blah blah coping mechanism blah blah childhood dissociation blah blah good imagination blah blah way too much daydreaming so I often sit down with myself and have a therapy session like I will talk and talk and really deconstruct myself. I’ve learned a lot about why I do what I do. Honestly it’s better than nothing

Maybe Mak could benefit from setting a strict boundary around either not bringing her gf around her dad until he stops making weird comments or leaving immediately if he does make those comments.

The DC show was fantastic, I had a great time! Overall I wanna just continue to heap praise on y’all for how much you do. I know sometimes it’s just saying stupid jokes and rambling into microphones, but from my own perspectice, I’m trans and I’m not in a position to safely be out or open. Just having these vulnerable conversations and being authentic is amazing. The whole parasocial relationship ends up being a feature in this by giving me this sense of queer women’s community that I just can’t have in my daily life. It’s a breath of fresh air that I imagine so many of us need in our lives. Seriously, thank you.

Thanks for the repressed feelings talk. It felt good to better understand myself and relate to your experiences. I am also terrified to go to therapy. But I'm going

Mak says doesn't care about him changing but actually that situation takes away the joy of family gatherings from her. She deserves quality family time and doesn't have to give up all over.especially when everybody in the family already accepted her girlfriend but one person. So maybe he can go away if it bothers him. I think mak should stand up and defend herself otherwise I believe she will be feeling that feelings soon or later.

I really feel for Mak. I went the non communicative route and just didn’t speak to my parents for a year and a half. Not the best way I imagine, but it has kept my peace of mind. They did finally reach out and ask about my partner when they do call now. I guess that’s something 🤷

I started therapy because of all of you three and literally I’m Mak haha … repressing feelings and thinking that all I talk about in therapy is not taking be anywhere apparently and I have so many self conversations that when I go to a session is like I’ve done this introspection on my own already 🧐 but this episode was so helpful, I was able to see so much of myself in Mak and now I think I have an idea of the path I would like to take on my next session. Thanks so much!

ASHLEY THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT. My dad died when I was 8 & at his funeral I was the only kid running around having fun. and I felt like absolute garbage later on, thinking about how that's so fucked up, how could I not care? It wasn't until I was 12 or 13 that I started to actually process everything and went into a depressive hole. now I absolutely weep occasionally about everything I missed out on. I'm more upset about it now at 25 than I ever was when it happened. I took such a dark turn that when things were bad at home that I scraped into the bathroom paint "dad" I missed him so much and was convinced that if he were here things would have been better. And I still shame myself for not processing it sooner, and when you talk about your dad I always imagined that it hit you right away, like a "normal" person. Thank you so much for sharing, and you're so not alone in suppressing.

On Mak's situation, I'm in a bit of a similar situation myself. I came out to my Indian family, and there's a general 'don't speak about it' atmosphere whenever I go home. For my sister its all "wow when are you getting a boyfriend, boyfriend this, boyfriend that" and then for me its like this gaping silence of shame. It makes me feel like they don't see my relationships as real and worth celebrating or knowing more about. And I have good relations to my family outside of be being queer, so I do care about their approval. It sounds like what Mak is saying is that she's started to question what kind of relationship she even had with her father outside of this, and if that relationship is something really worth going through all of this over. I can't imagine what its like to look back and wonder what was really even there in the first place. I'm also the type to not want to stir a fuss and just be like "this is how it is" and go on with the parts of my life that actually give me joy. Ashley and Alayana's advice about drawing a boundary is probably the 'right' thing to do, but I know I'd really struggle with doing that personally because I don't want to somehow make things worse, even if they are already not great.... so there's really no advice here other than just thanking you for speaking about this because it made me tear up and feel seen. Even if things don't get better for you, I hope that with distance and time after you move you'll be able to build up a life for yourself full of people you love, and maybe one day when you visit your family you might feel that you're in a good enough place in your own life to be able to draw that kind of boundary.

The episode in which Mak is convinced to perform brain surgery on herself.

Family is complicated. Religious family is even more so. I stopped going to my grandmas house for a few years cause I couldn’t be myself authentically. She finally asked me about my gf at the time and was able to meet her, even though I told my gf that she would likely never ever meet my grandmother. She came around and got her a Christmas gift even and was able to finally just wish me well in my relationship cause she saw I was happy. Mak, until your father can be happy for your relationship you may want to make the choice to not go home. It’s a hard thing and your family will hopefully stand up for you and say it’s bullshit and maybe your dad will finally make a step to truly allow you to be your authentic self with your partner for family events. Much love dude cause I feel this hurt a lot 🫶🏼

I’m glad this episode came out before the holidays. Setting boundaries with homophobic family members sucks. Not wanting to let the people down that are always letting me down. Rough

Great therapy sesh Mak. This was even more like hanging out with friends than normal. Definitely the orange water bottle! So cute!

I am in a similar situation to Mak. And whilst in my head I tell myself that I don't care about what my family think, the constant rejection does hurt. And that comes from constantly giving them that chance to change, like continually bringing your girlfriend home just for your dad to react in the same manner. And I know for me, it's about this underlying hope, particularly that with time they will change and they just need to get used to it, because the idea of possibly having a family that can accept you is incomparable in joy. But it might be time to realise that you have put in so much more than you should ever have to. You have tried for him and given him chances for YEARS. You did your part for him. And since there has been no progression on his side, you have to consider if this is worth it on your happiness and your mental health, trying so hard for someone who chooses not to try for you, even if that means stepping away from them. It's his time to try for you, and if he chooses not to, that is entirely on him. I hope this helps x

5:57 Ashley's actually right though, Mac. I literally didn't know that I had any daddy issues until I started regular therapy and now I'm like, oh my entire personality is shaped by mommy, daddy or step-mom issues (+ growing up with undiagnosed ADHD + chronic pain since the age of 15). I couldn't even cry in front of my therapist until I had been seeing her for a year because "little Marie" got yelled at for crying, mostly just if it was in response to a punishment or something he didn't understand but "neurons that fire together wire together" so my brain went "I cry, I get yelled at and feel threatened therefore I don't cry". I had to pause the video to type so there's a possibility that Alayna is going to say what I about to but there's nothing wrong with changing your therapist or asking to approach therapy in a different way. Even if you think your therapist is a nice person they might not be the best fit for you. I've had limited temporary success with CBT for very specific things like cutting and disordered eating but it wasn't healing or even acknowledging the underlying issues. Now I've had the same therapist for 2 years and she's the best therapist for me. She's a lesbian feminist with ADHD and tattoos who has previously worked with autistic children (good for me as someone with a neurodivergent but undiagnosed child and as someone with ADHD who suspects I sit somewhere on the low needs end of the ASD SPECTRUM) and she gets me like no one else. Not every session is going to be a winner, sometimes I've felt like I went on too many tangents and didn't get anywhere but most of the time I leave feeling so much better than when I went in or at least with a lot to think about. I do hope you get back to therapy soon. Listen to your Chosen Family

I am 52 and I don't think I would have survived growing up in internet culture. Y'all are strong and brave ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

This ep was iconic

Best episode ever! My mom just hung up on me for telling her that I wanted to cancel my upcoming therapy appointment, but now my chosen family’s actually explained its importance… haha! Love this timing

Just by the title i know this is gonna be hilarious.

Really appreciated Mak opening up in this episode ❤ I’m currently in that same exact situation with my dad and it’s super hard and complex and hearing Ashley and Alayna’s thoughts on it was super helpful and comforting for me. Wishing you the best Mak!! It’s hard to prioritize your own happiness but it’s very important :) ❤

Right before 19:35: Ashley looks like she’s plotting to beat up Mak’s dad

That cat is a star 🥰

Alayna: Definitely the bright blue water bottle! I would so go for that……the bottle I mean! 😂😂😂

13:26 'Quirks is a funny word for traumas'

I love how the masc gays (Ash and Mak) love the grey water bottle, but the femme gays (Alayna and myself) love the blue. LOL

It takes me about a year to break in a new therapist. You have to get to know each other. Therapists will adapt to how your brain works. They get to know what will be helpful for you and what won't be. It takes time, but its so worth it. Best wishes to everyone's therapy journey.❤

I'm glad your siblings supported you Mak.🙎🏾

Hate to say it, Mak, but this is why therapy is helpful! It might suck to talk about the same things over and over, I know the feeling, but over time, you can make progress on those subjects. A therapist can help guide you through the dad stuff and the moving stuff and just whatever else in a way that doesn't leave you feeling lost. Maybe, over time, with the right person, you won't feel this conflicted....

this is the highlight of my week every week

Mak 3:20 real love right there ❤ when said i will cry .

Alayna should do a poll, but my vote is for the Blue one!!!

Every time Alayna says zed I feel like I'm in an alternate universe

This intro was the funniest shit man, I'm literally about to do therapy with my father...🤣😅

Cracks me up that the clock app is all arriving at the same conclusion ash had looooooooong ago concerning the comedian who shan't be named now that his Netflix special dropped

OMG Ashley's "Ahhh AAAHHHHH!!!" made me almost spit RedBull all over my work computer! Hahahaha! Also, come to Portland (Oregon) again soon please thanks.

Thank you for talking about things like this openly. It really helps more people than you would think. ❤

Always enjoy the humor but this one really hit home for me.

9:57 omg Mac, sorry, another comment but my therapist was just talking about identifying "what's going on in your body" because I really struggle with that and she said "it can be anything even if that feeling is 'man, I wish I could leave right this minute because I am feeling a lot of discomfort right now'" so yeah, feeling. I almost never want to leave therapy, it's actually usually the opposite because I can't afford as much therapy as I feel like I need (I'd like to go minimum once a week but I'm going every 10-15 days) so when I do get in I usually have a lot I want to say or explore. My therapist is super open about going to therapy herself though and said she's felt that way before and she also struggled to identify where she was feeling things. It takes time and practice.

I relate so much to Parents still wanting to tell you how to live your life. It feels so hard as an adult, to have people you once respected.. still treat you like a child. Hearing Mak talk about her Dad... tell her what behaviours you can display in their home... I would have left. Easy, if I can't be myself here , I better go.

this podcast is genuinely such a light for me.

Knew this would be a good one at "discomfort"

this is one of my favorite episodes

Sending all my love to y'all! Go Therapy 🎉❤😊 "Grrrrhhh, give me a dollar! Lol"

best episode! more psychoanalyzing, that's what chosen families are for

The blue water bottle is sooooo cute but I want the pink too! I'm so excited to see merch from an angel ❤

Mak, you don’t owe your dad anything. If you can’t be around your family because of him, then don’t be around them. The majority of your family seems to love and accept you (to some extent at least), and that’s great. But if he doesn’t change, your dad will have to come to the realization that not only is he ruining his own relationship with you, but he’s also affecting the rest of your family’s relationships with you by being the way he is. All of that is on him. Don’t talk to him or see him anymore, if you don’t want to. Talk to the family members you trust and feel comfortable with, and let him realize that all the contact he has with you is secondhand, through updates that are given by the people that do talk to you. The only way to make him change is if he has a reason to. And if he finally understands that he’s losing a daughter, then maybe that will be reason enough.

I LOVE when episodes get chaotic like this.

YAY!!!!!! My favorite time of the week!!😍🥰🥰🥰

I love this podcast so much!!

This episode is HECTIC 😂. Love it ❤

31:47 probably the most intense whiplash I’ve experienced in 15 seconds

Getting to watch a bit earlier today because I am home with covid😭 I love you guys and you always make me feel better❤️❤️

I swear Alayna and I are hooked up to the same dream computer. I've never come across another person with hypnopompic hallucinations or someone who also dreams about the night sky being wrong. The amount of times I've dreamed that the entire sky started glitching while I was staring at it is way too many. I have a lot of dreams that freak out other people that I'll have zero reaction to while those sky glitching dreams leave me entirely unnerved when I wake up.

This episode was a lot of fun.

Honestly, my family is a lot like Mak's where nobody talked about anything and it was just expected that everyone shows up and loves each other like you're "supposed to" because it's family and that's just how it is, and everything outside of that gets shut down, avoided, and silenced (not in a directly mean way, but still). I moved away from home because of it 10 years ago, and finally took the leap to go no-contact with my parents 3 years ago because I felt the same way as Mak, as far as I just...don't really need anything from them. They don't add anything of value to my life and my relationship with them has felt "dead" like she said for years and years. It feels shitty and selfish because there was never any direct abuse or trauma and I don't think they're terrible people or whatever, but at the end of the day I needed to do it in order to move on and have a life I could be proud of, and it sucks because I'm still not there and it's very slow going but at least there's not that specter over my shoulder anymore of my family's expectations being so mismatched with my own for myself. Maybe that isn't the right path for Mak, but I thought it might be helpful to see what it looks like on the other side of a decision like that in a similar situation.

I vote yes, Alayna's sister on the pod🎉

you guys need merch 😭

when I realised that it's not my responsibility to change my dads mind about queer people I started feeling so much happier and more comfortable to just focus on loving myself and spending time with people who I don't need to convince to accept me.

I would say to Mak, even if it feels in the present like a therapy session just sort of listed stuff you already knew and were aware of, its still worth it, and the insight you get from it might not be fully cooked until later, heck it might even be about totally different stuff than what you thought you were talking about at the time. I say stick with it!

Sending lots of love to you all! ♥️Mak, you and your girlfriend, you'll find your way, and you'll find peace, I'm sure 💪🏻 Me and my girlfriend, we've been there and what we've learnt is that either they change their attitude or you guys change yours so you end up not caring about their behaviour. It might seem like a huge, difficult thing to do, because it matters to you now, of course, but we noticed that once we started focusing on our lives together and what matters to us, it was easier to distance ourselves from those feelings and get rid of those expectations we had. There's no way we can get people to behave as we'd like them to. We can only ask for it and, if it doesn't work, just focus on changing how we see things. I'm probably projecting my own experiences, but I relate so much to what you are experiencing, that I just can't help it 💌💌💌💌💌

i can feel shit before and after therapy but during it i’ll just go numb

yo ash gonna be honest - did not even know that lady at ur comedy show situation even happened until the pod you discussed it... so we love ya and keep doing you!!!

If someone (partner) is working to sustain a positive relationship with you, and someone else (dad) is taking you for granted, focus on the positive relationship. Your partner deserves to be treated with respect. If your dad can't do that, she shouldn't have to be around him The communion joke was priceless, by the way