Raging, Blaming, & Justifying Your Behavior Won’t Heal Relationships 

I am an attachment based and family constellations therapist, I am consistently blown away by how deeply Anna understands attachment and family systems. I always send clients to her. She is the real deal ❤

Waking up to the fact you weren’t a good parent but a dysfunctional one due to your trauma absolutely breaks your soul 😢

I’ve recently cut contact with my mom (I’m 31), and my mom also acts like she doesn’t understand/doesn’t know what the problem is, despite my trying to have conversations with her about it a dozen times over 10 years. Her meddling, controlling, and hypercritical behavior only increased as I became an independent adult. That’s what solidified my decision to become estranged.

Id be willing to bet that her daughter started to understand what a secure relationship means from her boyfriend/ his family. A similar situation happened to me and the realization that families with healthy boundaries exist made me really resent my mom for not even trying and refusing to take any accountability. I grew up having no boundaries. I thought it was normal only to get into awful relationships and believing that loving someone means staying with them no matter what. If you are reading this OP, at least take satisfaction in knowing your daughter is learning how to protect herself and be an emotionally well regulated adult. You also have trauma and it is possible for you to break the cycle. For now, the best thing is to give her time and respect her boundaries. You are worthy of love but the love you are seeking from your daughter can only come from yourself.

Dear Fairy: I am "Lisa." I agree with everything you said. I passed onto my daughter the idea that she needed to be perfect to win affection. And that if I really healed, I would have more confidence in myself. The fact that I still struggle with insecurities is telling. I like your advice to stop separating my inner child from me. It was a metaphor to refer to CPTSD. The inner child represents the trauma I experienced. I get that healing oneself takes accepting responsibility. But, as you reveal, it is more than just accepting responsibility. I hadn't realized how damaging justifying my behavior has been to my relationship with others, and to myself. What I take from this video is a better understanding of the situation from my daughter's perspective. I need to respect her boundaries. And, even though I didn't think I was making excuses for the abuse I myself caused, I actually was making excuses. I am very grateful to the comments from the viewers, who really help me see things from my daughter's perspective. Though I disagree with some personal judgements into my character (I am not BPD, a Karen, alcoholic, drug addict, or family terrorist), many responders struck chords in me from their unabashed raw insight that I will explore further on my path to improving my self. I am grateful that your platform allows one to be seen from objective eyes, from different angles, for which to gather personal insight for growth.

I'm getting a sense of manipulation from "Lisa" She is not accepting responsibility for her actions and behaviors. Personally, "raging" or yelling at me would lead me to push that toxic person out of my life.

Oh boy, this was a doozy! I found myself wondering almost immediately if "Lisa" uses alcohol. As one who wasn't the best parent either, this letter brought the sadness and regret from when my kid & stepkids were young 😢. I now know i didn't do the best i could....we can tell ourselves that all day long, is it true though! I was extremely damaged and selfish (retrospectively) and not present as i could have been. Therein lies the hurt that so many adult children live with - we were caught up in our own stuff. One can admit it or not....BUT...those dear one's we raised deserve our acknowledgement of what they were slighted. I know i did so much better than all the people that "raised" me, still it could have been so much better. It hurts deeply, yet one thing thats most important for me is accountability - My daughter & stepkids hold very little animosity towards me and in fact do love me, for this im so very grateful. I would surely despise myself if i couldn't admit my wrongs..... maybe others can relate. ❤ Thank you so much Anna - always great! Its helpful to see ourselves in others in all the good & bad!

Anna I give you a round of applause for encouraging taking responsibility

Trying to break cycles is life long keep working on it and we can enjoy life better we all can

I have healed a lot and I don't often see comments that touch on this "shadow work" for trauma, so I will share my story if anyone can relate I was the traumatized one, who was defensive, justifying and not taking accountability for my actions even if I did not realize. I always found a way to not be held responsible because it made me feel even more shame than the shame I felt from my trauma. My trauma came from my childhood where my emotional needs were not met by my only parent. I grew up unstable, somewhat spoiled, had a broken identity and no self-esteem. I didn't even realize it but it made me abusive in some of my relationships. It took me years to realize and it has made me lose some relationships. I was searching for answers, of how to heal and be better but I couldn't change or take accountability. I would see all these comments talking about how others have had the pain of abuse from their own parents or broken relationships and I felt so much shame. I have trauma, but that doesn't make it okay for me to hurt people. If anyone out there is struggling with taking accountability, having humility and healing, I want to let you know I've been in your place and it will get better. You'll have your own path for healing but you are not alone. Just because you've done bad things doesn't make you a bad person and you can heal from it. I don't have the answers for you but I hope my story helped in seeing that you aren't alone and you aren't bad. Aside from that, thank you Anna for your videos. I have been watching many of them for half a year now. I've learned so much about trauma, CPTSD, repeated behaviors and you have helped give me the self awareness to realize my trauma can hurt others. I'm in a better place now and repairing my broken relationship :) thank you so much Fairy!!!

I cut my mom off multiple times since I was 13 because of her allowing my stepdad to abuse me, gaslighting me about what happened and so much more, much more extreme case but all I wanted was accountability on her part and changed behavior. She continues to gaslight and attempt to manipulate for the benefit of herself and my stepdad so I do not talk to her anymore, but as an estranged daughter I can say all we want is for you to heal so we can have a good example/role model you don’t have to be perfect. My dad isn’t perfect but he treats me with respect and kindness and like an equal, my dad and I fights have been intense but he doesn’t insult me and belittle me the way my mom did. Which for her was probably “small” things like telling me I wouldn’t grow up to be more than trailer trash or that I would be a pot smoking loser when I grow up. All things said “out of love” trying to get me to do the things she thought was best but in reality it was abuse and I didn’t forgot those words 10+ years later. Her words motivated me to be successful but not in the way she wanted.

It never occurred to me to Blame my inner child!! Yuck, like blaming an actual child. Finally someone is there for my girl.😊Inner you is there to be loved, protected, cherished, provided for, calmed, reassured, supported. Another Great video!🥰

Thank you so much for making these videos and helping so many people. I am blown away by your wisdom and insight. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Someone send this to my mom

I’m a perfectionist Virgo with ctpsd. I am only 21 but being like this is my biggest fear. I just realized I have been a part of the problem and need to take responsibilities for my relationship. Man it hurts. But, I am glad it is at the age where people are more patient…

I find that the responsible way to name parts of you, inner child etc as sources of your emotions is at the same time acknowledging that any harm you do is yours to resolve, always.

you shouldn't play the blame game, it never brings health or resolutions. You shouldn't blame others or yourself. Those that traumatized you, they too were traumatized, they couldn't behave any other way without healing. If you trace the trauma to it's source, you'll find that source going further back than you can trace. in the end it's turtles all the way down. Not blaming dosen't remove responsibility, or culpability, but it makes room to heal.

Very tempted to do your Daily Practice, I used to journal but my hubby found them, read them and yelled at me about it (yep- fun...not). I watched some of the videos and one gal burns them after the writing so that's a possibility. I have a new puppy so maybe after he calms down and I'm not dealing with "Puppy Brain" in addition to trying this 🙂

Dear Fairy, do you have any thoughts about daily practice + therapy with EMDR? Not even sure if this is the best place for this Q. Thank-you.

What if I don't have resentments every day twice a day? Do i skip those days ( Daily Practice). Thank you

❤thankyou 🙌🙏😌

This could be me and my mother 😓

Thank you. Im fkg rough as russian get

I have a feeling, this Lisa, heard you but refused to actually accept what you said. She most likely dissociated really hard and refused to understand it was even her.

I am not also not sure what to say other than that Anna is probaly right and that this mom is similar to some other parents: abusive, emotionally manipulative, controlling and not ready to accept the person as an adult. I would stop seeing the current therapist and see a psychiatrist, there might be some narcisstic personality going on, some substance abuse or other untreated mental disease. Inner child theory is also a bullshit, I am not buying any of this eaither and go to some 12-step groups

Writer, I am 43 and I cut off contact with my mother a couple of years ago. For what it's worth, having a healthy relationship with my partner and working on having healthy relationships with my kids opened my eyes to a lot of issues with my mother that I wasn't really focused on before. It was like once I knew what good love felt like, and how a good enough mother prioritized and supported her kids, all of the unhealthy issues with my mother stood out in stark contrast in a way they hadn't before, because our difficult relationship had just been "normal" to me. Please don't blame other people in your daughter's life for the boundaries she has chosen to set with you. Her perspective will shift as she grows, and that's to be expected. The job of being a parent is never done.

I have a mother that rages, blame and justifies her behavior. I cut off contact with her as soon as I turned 18 and was able to go to college. My mother treats people really badly, she has no friends, she creates confusion and conflict with people everywhere she goes. But she behaved like she was genuinely confused that I was relieved to get out of her house. To the letter writer, you might not really be reflecting on all the things she watched you do and how that had already shaped her opinion of you. Even if you hadn't raged at her when she was young, seeing you do it to others leaves an imprint. It comes across like you are a dangerous person and like you're a ticking time bomb. You might be kind to her today but if she does something you don't like or you're just in a mood and turn your focus to her she's going to feel the boom. The problem with blaming and justifying is also it makes the other person feel dismissed and silenced. They can't even tell you when you've done something they don't like because you start blaming other things or saying you are justified because of this or that. For me when I am around people that do those things I don't stay in the relationship because it feels pointless. If I can't express myself and be heard and you could start raging at any moment, it's a dangerous combo. This is not to make you feel discouraged though, it's to say it's important to consider the person on the other side and if you can start actively doing that by reflecting on the situations and making different choices like, pausing to think before you speak - you can avoid some critical comments getting out. And if you can have a conversation with her where you can say, "I was thinking about this thing and I didn't realize how that must have been for you. Do you mind telling me how you felt? I'm interested in how you feel." That could make a big difference, especially if you can hear her out and not blame or justify your part. Just listen, take it in, and maybe apologize.

The writer sounds resentful at her daughter. Like she's secretly blaming her daughter for being unreasonable. That comes from a feeling of not having been seen oneself. But that is no excuse to pass it on to your child.

BAM! Once again Fairy hits the nail on the head with unerring accuracy. And without any unkindness or disrespect. Her gift. For me the giant red flag and 'aha' moment came when the letter writer said she had been *angry* about her university -aged daughter getting tattoos. And that she had expressed that anger. Lots of parents don't *like* the tattoos (or piercings, haircuts, etc) that their kids get, even as adults. But to be *angry* about it reveals a real problem - especially when it doesn't affect you in any way, and when your child is enough of an adult to be at university. It is none of our business how other adults decorate their bodies, including our own offspring. It's nothing we need to 'respect'. So it tells me this writer has big problems with boundaries, leading to controlling behaviour - and unreasonable and disproportionate responses towards any resistance to this control. As the letter went on I became more convinced of this, and Fairy confirmed it. I agree with Anna that a lack of insight is the stumbling block to really setting off down the road of healing (of herself) and of genuine reconciliation (with her daughter - hopefully). The letter writer has been hurt in her past, and for this I have compassion, especially as it very much affects her present. I hope the she can heed Fairy's advice and start to free herself (and her daughter) from the long shadows of her past. She is clearly someone who wants to do this, and I wish her all the best. ❤️

You get to the heart of it so well. My mother used to tell me, accusingly, that she knew she was a bad mother but it 'wasn't easy'. Early in life I became her 'kind' sidekick to reassure her that she was a good mum. This was the birth place of my fawning. Actually she was a terrible mother, and to find my truth I had to push her away. I tried forgiveness, sounded great but simply meant I found a deeper place to hide my pain. Later in life, I found my addiction to fawning, (with the resentment that I wasn't being appreciated). It is up to me to understand, heal and change. Acceptance has replaced forgiveness. Still exhausting but very empowering

Me too! My children refused to include. me in their lives. I'm 69 yo and alone. I was neglected and abused as a child, and tried to be the mother I always wanted. I had never heard of C-pssd until a couple of years ago. I am working the steps, but, I wonder, at my age, and with nothing left, why bother?

Ouch, hard truth. I feel like this video was made for me. I’ve gotta lower my defense, not mind read … (bc it’s usually not positive ) Thank you, this is a very needed reminder. ❤❤

Basically this is a karen who has terrorised her family and then the daughter stood up to her and told her to shove it.

Thinking DBT might be helpful to this individual. Anything that can make them pause before blowing like a powder keg. Being truly mindful and aware.

This video really hit home for me. A few exceptions but I am guilty of raging and not apologizing or acknowledging my fits. Watching this video helped me to see the abuse i have put in my daughter. I reached outt her and apologized. The letter seems so choppy that i had a hard tme following it. The fact that the writer blames her inner child for ANYTHING seems odd. How does that even make sense

The only power bigger then the worst version of ourselves, is the healed version of ourselves. But besides that person and to become that healed version we need the person who holds all the power and who is powerful enough and can actually take what we are asking away, or who we can release all our trauma to is the person of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit. If we are asking anything else, the universe etc, nothing will change. Only God the father, Jesus Christ, the holy Spirit who created the world and us has the power to help us. Sure we can help ourselves to a limited extent but with God all things are possible especially healing that is part of God's will for use to be healed.

So if I’m gathering the message correctly: sometimes people won’t forgive you because your behavior hasn’t changed.

-Power greater than ourself = any deity or thing like the universe who has power greater then yourself. -Before meditation or at times of Dysregulation it is important to learn “grounding techniques” that you connect with. -Make amends for what you have done to harm another person. However never assume how they will or should respond because that’s their business not yours. - I hope this helpful to anyone who reads this.

PS: I found this particular video very helpful and validating, as a daughter.

Sounds a little bit like me and my mom and dad and step mom. I had to move away from all of them and kept my distance and guard myself when I was pushed into their presence. Bot moms have passed, my Dad and I are closer now. It's hard ,but don't give up.

Theres nothing to forgive im sad to have discovered my sister talking badly of me and spreading false lies about me. I thought we were best friends and that she truly knew who i was. Unfortunately she hurt me mostly because i thought we were pure and loved each other whole hearted. I realize how weak our bond was that me not showing up to her graduation made her say i was envious and didint want to see her succeed. She didint even come to me she went to others saying all these mean things that broke my heart. I was there for her diring all her hard time lifing her up and cheering her on its not easy being around sad people but when you love them you want them happy too even when i was sad I prioritize showing up for her. So when she celebrated i finally stepped back allow her to celebrate with many people because there are many people who will be there for others to celebrate. Its few who are around when your down to uplift you. But in her eyes someone told her that only people who want to see you down will be around you to see it. She actually believed this about me. It broke my heart and i realized i dont want to be in her life good or bad and i dont want to get close to her again because i dont trust her. Some people keep people in their lives even if they think your evil but i wont be one of those people. I hope she gets better but its sad that i dont see her the same way. Im kind to her if i see her but i wont pretend that i see the sister the friend that i used to see.

Just wanted to offer an additional/alternative take on the inner child thing. The thing about perfectionist inner children is that the “perfect ideal” that they hold up to seemingly beat us with was their/your original idea of what it means to be an adult. This might come from having been made responsible for things as a child that you could not be responsible for and weren’t ready to handle. So the child self dreams up this ideal to try to be understand the kind of “adult” you need to be in order to be safe. And, the fear that led to those perfectionistic tendencies still exists in our systems as PTSD. As adults in therapy, we can think that we just need to bring this child self “into the light” or get it to somehow just stop telling us these things. This doesn’t ever really work and we can get frustrated, and most likely this frustration is the same frustration that was directed at us as children for not being adult enough. And so it just triggers the PTSD perfectionism again. What our inner child needs is an adult to take responsibility for their feelings, not to be further blamed for not being good enough. as the adult we can do this by not giving in to the child’s feelings and letting those feelings run us, but also not pushing away the child’s feelings. We need to hold them they way the child never could, and to hold the child in the way we never were. The inner child needs care first not correction. One way you can do this is when you feel the panic rising or hear the perfectionist voice, notice where the fear or tension arises in your body, and attend to it, hold space for it, the way you would want to hold a frightened child. This is a difficult skill to get good at, but you can practice any time that perfectionistic anxiety comes up. And you can make friends with your inner child this way so that it begins to feel safe and let’s go of the perfectionist defense strategy. Also, I have to wonder whether working on a better relationship with this inner child part might help create an easier relationship with your actual child, your daughter. It’s hard to say for sure, just from this small peak into your world, but given that both issues came up together in this letter, there is a chance working with the inner struggle might help with easing the outer struggle. Good luck!

00:00 🔄 Healing from trauma involves taking responsibility for one's behavior. 03:38 🤷 Trauma can lead to harsh behavior, but it's crucial not to blame others and take steps to change. 07:04 📝 A letter from Lisa describes her strained relationship with her daughter, Emily, after conflicts during college. 14:26 🔄 Lisa recognizes her past behavior was inexcusable, leading to pain for her daughter. 17:17 🔄 Lisa's fear and anxiety persist despite therapy and positive moments with her daughter. 18:41 🤔 Lisa seeks advice on silencing her negative inner voice and maintaining her relationship with her daughter. 21:06 🚦 Lisa is encouraged to shift focus from her "inner child" to accepting responsibility for her actions. 27:25 🔄 The daily practice is recommended as a tool to address fear, resentment, and achieve mental clarity. 30:25 🔄 Acknowledging and addressing control issues and unacknowledged shame and guilt is crucial for Lisa's healing.

Unified self❤ take responsibility for all parts, I love hearing this- met a few people who remove responsibility with “the monster” “the inner child” “my past self” etc. .. really important to own your whole self❤❤❤

I actually really like the concept of the inner child, but I think what is most often forgotten or misunderstood about that work is that there is also the "inner adult"; or outer considering the adult is who that person is at that point (At least physically, internally they may being run by their wounded inner child). Which is how I find the work so helpful to visualize an inner child and inner adult dialogue, exchange or interaction. This concept has really helped me when tackling and absorbing the work around re-parenting the self. Because to re-parent an adult feels patronizing; but visualizing the work as helping the child in your story that was hurt, abused and/or neglected, (or just never parented properly; with care, love and attention) makes the work feel so much more real, significant, and meaningful. And at no point in my explanation of that, nor in my understanding, do I ever say that the inner child concept and work is another person's problem. It's not meant for other people to have to handle or deal with; the child is our own and thus is our own responsibility. And yeah, an inner child can throw a tantrum, be mean, and selfish. Or otherwise, respond and act in a way a child would. But that isn't an excuse, because unless a person is in actuality a literal child, then that means an adult self is always present. (At least from a developmental standpoint; de-regularization without the skills and knowledge to recover or keep a hold on a rational balanced perspective may make the inner adult inaccessible in the moment of that kind of reaction; thus a person who is incapable of being able to respond in a mature way; aka, a person in desperate need of some kind of inner healing). And to allow a child to hurt others and then excuse them for it while standing by without any effort to mitigate or prevent damage to others; is just irresponsible. If that were to happen in real life, which I'm sure many people have had their own experiences of witnessing, where a child runs rampant causing chaos in an environment while their parent sits by passively as this happens, seemingly ignoring the child and their impact on others and their surrounding for whatever reason. I would hope that a majority of people would, rightfully, feel anger with the adult in this scenario rather than the child. Because the child is acting in a way that can be expected of a child; well, a wild child in this case. But I would hope the common understanding is that it's the adult's responsibility to care for and keep their child in check, (And I mean that in the gentle guiding hand sense; not the punitive authoritative sense). So that a child can learn through a parent's guidance to consider and respect the feelings of others. Which is why I absolutely agree with the sentiment about how others who are full grown adults, who either intentionally or unintentionally, use this concept of the inner child to excuse themselves from the responsibility and consequences of their actions are using it wrong. Essentially, making others responsible for the inner child of a full grown adult. And while yeah, others can have compassion for another person's story and understanding of how that's affected them in regards to this concept; that still does not or could ever warrant, excuse, or ever justify hurting or mistreating another person. The sentiment I think of often when thinking on issues like this is the line, "you can act however you like but that doesn't mean other people ever have to put up with your bulls*t" Which is honestly a line I've found so much healing in when it came to facing the ways I have hurt other people in my past and present. It has helped me to take responsibility for my actions, regardless of my intentions or extenuating circumstances, and ultimately take accountability for the changes that were necessary for my own internal growth. And thinking on it now, I can see how that can be interpreted as an internal re-parenting moment. The lesson of those words are gentle but firm, not punishing and shaming. And to me, that is what re-parenting (re: the inner child concept) is all about.

You saw right through the mom’s narrative. Awesome job.

I have found that ACOA has helped me see my own dysfunction and now I am learning how to Re-parent myself. Therapist just weren’t doing it, they would only listen to me talk, there were never any answers. Took a long time for me to admit the part of my problem was me. I am very grateful today for the program. I am an adult child of a dysfunctional family.

As usual, I greatly appreciated Anna's comments. I'd just add that some of the letter writer's words and vibe seemed very familiar to me and immediately made me recall that I suspected I was projecting some unresolved junk with my parents onto my kids. Pretty horrible and I'm still now trying to make up for the damage I caused, especially to my eldest. Making some inroads, also constantly working on forgiving myself and living in the present and what I can do NOW.

Regarding the daughter, she might be partially here to blame and stuck in her dysfunctional ways too but it is still not the mother's problem. She has no choice but to let it go completely and stop trying to fit the daughter into some kind of mild. Even if she decides to cut the contact out, it might be temporary and for her own good

I feel that Anna is right here, this situation is very similar to what I've had with my mum, at some point when I moved out from home instead of agreeing with her I've started to lush out on her, I was full of anger for what I've put up all my childhood ( controlling, criticising, putting me down). Back then I was dependent on her so I couldn't defend myself and I bottled up everything. At some point I avoided contacting her, I couldn't stand to be around her. After years of working on myself something changed in me, I missed our relationship so I set some boundaries and we're doing quite well. She still triggers me sometimes but I know how to handle things, I want my mum in my life, it's healing for me to have her back. Funny thing is that when I stood up for myself ( set boundaries) she started to treat me with respect, amazing what boundaries can do😊

i relate to struggling with the self-doubt coming up obsessively over every imperfect interaction but i learned from the fairy that it's not fair to put that on other people, if another is disappointed or dislikes me they're within their right to feel that way, and that doesn't mean all of my worst fears about myself are true or that receiving perfect unending approval would heal those doubts; building an inner sense of worth is a personal project and has to be based on who we are working to be, not on imaginary points earned by having flawless relationships in our lives.

I don’t know what to think about this video. On the one side, there are the mother and her daughter, both apparently victims of misunderstandings, neediness, narcissistic tendencies of their parents and awakening, trying to heal and set boundaries, and then there is you naming mainly the daughter who is suffering and trying to set boundaries but you nearly are offensive to the mother who wrote the letter. And then here I am asking myself how much I am only a victim but because a bad person, too, maybe, and all my insisting on boundaries might be narcissistic. How do I see if I’m behaving like a victim or like an abuser when I’m setting boundaries?

A lot of people blame the mother but I have complex and it was both caused by my mom and dad but main one I’m sure was my first infant school teacher she was psycho I was five and she stared at me all the time has if to beat me up she never took her eyes of me I was such a calm girl in school never talking but she hated me she didn’t so many times allow me to go to toilet I had to wait hours and I would wet my pants so many times this was in the uk school I didn’t tell my mom I was scared terrified in the end I told my mom she went up to the school to beat her up the teacher escaped in time she was expelled from the school afterwards but the damage had been done even now I can’t sit around people I get a big fear in me even though I’m sixty now I hope that teacher gis to hell she ruined my life

This woman sounds Borderline. She acts exactly like my sister who has been dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder her entire adult life. It's not an easy thing to get over even with therapy. While her awful childhood could be a component, the condition itself is a neurological problem.

Thank you both for sharing😁

Internal family systems and reading a plethora of books on inner child healing has shifted my healing journey with Cptsd. Awaiting my stellate ganglion block to help alleviate the chronic state of my nervous system.

Thank you for making these videos. They are wonderful source of hope.

Hurt people hurt people. There's nothing to forgive nor for which to be forgiven.

Dear writer Lisa, please don't give up! Chances are, that your relationship with your daughter will get better again, since it was ok during the first 18 years. Maybe you are two different personality types, therefore you have diverging views and values on many things, which naturally creates conflict. A second thing might be, that there is also a generational clash going on between you two. So you can't have a symbiotic relationship with your adult daughter, as you might have wished (probably only a small amount of adult children have that with their parents anyway). Therefore, you might need a phase with some distance, avoid sensitive topics but leave your doors always open for your daughter. It's very clear through your letter, that you love her. Please, don't be so hard on yourself, many conflicts come from personality and generation differences. On the other hand, it was a bad thing from your daughter to lie about her grades, it's ok to get angry about that! Moreover, the current Western societies want people to be celebrated for whatever ugly physical decisions they make - don't fall for that. If you don't like her appearance, you have the right to say so. To get a wider angle of the role of a mother, you should consider discussing with moms of Asian or Latin-American origins, so you can get all those unfair mom-bashers out of your head. Maybe your daughter carries some amount of unhappyness inside her, and guess who is there to let out her aggressions without bigger risks while she's nice to anybody else? Of course you should be careful with your tone and avoid devaluating her. Because of your low self-esteem, people might smell your insecurity and don't accept what your saying, which might lead to a harsh tone from you. If that resonates with you, stay on your firm ground and try to make it better the next time. Take your responsability for that. But it's ok to show anger and emotions! Some people generally treat people with low self-esteem badly, well, if your daughter does that, then shame on her, she needs to do a bit of character work. I wish you and your daughter all the best and may your big love between you two come back.

First 😊