“Partner is my number one, children are our number one.” SO GOOD! I am actually the best version of a mother to my kids when my relationship with my husband is healthy. It’s like once we’re connected and close, we’re the best team of parents. Not to mention, children feel secure when their parents have a healthy relationship.
It always baffles me how my husband is able to clearly articulate what he needs in general and I can't do that. I've definitely learned from him to voice my true feelings and not sugar coat nothing.
Going through a really tough moment with my gf. Basically hates me and wants to end the relationship and our baby has been here for only a month. It’s good to hear these tips bc I don’t want our relationship to end. It’s been a really rough day
Something that helped me was Michelle Obama saying she hated her husband for years during the early years of raising children. But now they’re relationship is better than ever. It just makes me realize that this is a phase of our relationship and just because it’s HARD right now doesn’t mean it will always be like this. And that other people are going through the same thing!
That's beautiful! I often times get the impression that people expect relationships to be good and harmonic all the time. As soon as it's not, that's a problem and the relationship is domed and maybe it would be best if they split up. I totally disagree on that. While we tend to throw away stuff instead of repairing it, we tend to do the same with relationships. But difficult times are part of having a relationship. Working it through will make the relationship stronger. There was a reason you once didn't want anything else more than this person to be by your side! That's what I've learned and observed over time :)
A comment about therapy... Don't wait until things are completely falling apart to go to therapy! If you were sick for weeks and weeks, then you would go and get help, not wait until you were about to die. If you and your partner are struggling, then go get help!
youre amazing shayla, with amazing advice. thank you for opening this discussion and normalizing the experience of marriage/relationship struggles after having a baby. being a parent is tough, communication is tough, and being a parent will emphasize all the ways you don’t already communicate and work together. you have to work together as a team and that takes showing up for practice (doing the work)!
Im 7 months postpartum and we still have not had any intimacy.. we can't even cuddle anymore because the baby is such a light sleeper without me.. she is one of the tougher babies too. She's always hated bottles and pacifiers. She hates being left in the pin and won't stay asleep if I'm not cuddling her. She's been this way since she was born. Nobodys advice had helped us with her and we are now really feeling the affects of this.. we have to take military showers because the baby raised hell when one of us is gone for too long.. we are starting to really miss each other and there's nothing we can do about it because she also raised hell of we let anyone else watch her..😢
Shayla please get a dishwasher so that you don’t need to worry about this chore. I feel like every mom needs one in their house… It even takes pots and pans.
I feel called out and seen! Hahaha I just snapped on Saturday after days and weeks of not enough sleep. I find I wait and then explode and accuse him of not helping at all and me never getting a break. 👀 Oops. But my baby won't take a bottle anymore so I feel trapped some days/nights. And some days she barely naps. I looked tired and haggard all the time, which I hate! Trying to find a way out of this rut without relying on stupid MN weather to warm up and do it for me.
"... and I kind of smell like BO" - the exact moment I knew we could definitely be best friends. The postpartum BO is too real, and not talked about enough. Let's bring this secret from the shadows into the light!!
Yes! Partner is totally my logical brain at the moment! So grateful I get to rely on him and say: "I can't think right now, please tell me what to do". (The answer is often: take a nap or do some yoga). He's also my emotional regulator and energy manager. He's always saying he's taking care of me so I can take care of baby. This works well for our family right now, we're managing everyone's needs rather well in this challenging season.
Thank you for always being REAL! We have a 9 week old and for the first few weeks I had so much resentment towards my husband. I finally started voicing my feelings and it has helped so much!
I am soooo happy you included therapy in your list. Not many people realize and some don't want to admit, but therapy is so good! It saved my relationship once before baby and once recently after we've had a baby. I feel all your tips are pretty much coming out of our sessions xD
The most useful tip for me was: ask for what you need from your partner. Say clearly and specifically what you need help with. And also say whether you need a solution or just a moment to vent :-)
I thought my husband and I were experiencing this. But I couldn’t articulate why I’ve been so frustrated. Thank you for putting your finger on it in this video.
So this is how real adults adult 🥺 The more I learn about it the more I realize just how utterly useless my upbringing was from a humaning perspective 😳 Eh, at least I'm learning instead of staying forever stuck 🤷♀️
3 minutes in and im already like yep that's us, yep, yep, yep! But we are loving our 10 month olds golden stage right now, so much cuteness 😍 ... also I've started your podcast, so nice to listen to, cheers!
I love all the content you create because I feel very identify with you. And this video is not the exception, I had to laugh sooooo much because as you start and the story with “Susy” happened to me too! Exactly as you described it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣poor husbands sometimes… And I looooved the 7 steps you gave, it’s going to help us so much !❤ thank you
I'd like to know why you wanted children and what's your take on the childfree movement? The natural way is not working out for us for a few years now and IVF is the next step. We're taking a step back to really consider if a kid makes sense anymore as we turn 39 this summer. We are leaning towards not having kids, since the pros far outweigh the cons for us.
Problem is just because you have a problem with it doesn't mean I have to. If Ive done everything thing besides one thing you better go touch some grass and not talk about the damn dishes. That's definitely the way to push your man away
I will say, our sex and intimacy might be greater post baby! My husband was SO excited to get back at it...and me too. 😁 So complete BS when people say it will go bye bye!
Thank you! I needed hope. We're going through a rough patch with the piano playing not being in sync and I think big part of it is my huge belly. So I'm even more worried that after baby we won't be able to get in sync again! And this is really important to me. I'm physical touch all the way so not connecting like that really makes me feel like something it missing
The feet touching: YES! Hannah Witton did a video recently called 'how not to resent your partner after having a baby' and it made the point about how relationship admin- the very thinking about all this stuff, the bringing it into conversation/strategies is also WORK, and often unequally gendered at that. In this economic system, where the often-male partner is first back to work/the higher earner, my husband and I do try to have good conversations about how we value the different work we do- whether paid or not. I'm actually considering transitioning away from bedsharing/breastfeeding around 9 months as I gear up to paid work again; baby's increased mobility and reliance on me for nighttime succour is making my sleep worse than when we first started sharing the bed (and I'm starting to need more than foot touches!)- we both want for him to be able to put her to sleep and bottle feeding might be one way to do that- much as I'm torn (recurrent milk blisters another unforeseen downside to nursing!). Just to link this to your previous vid on sleep. The conversations about this, particularly when tired and emotional, can be hard- but always helps in the long run. And remembering that partner and kids are top priorities, but also ourselves! Without that we can't be the parents we wanna be. Love x
Sunflower lectin can help with milk blisters & clogged ducts. It helps break up the fatty milk. I have to take it. Not trying to sway you in any direction. Just wish I would have known about it sooner.
@@MultiDaisy1995 thanks, yup I'd read that, though a few of the other suggested remedies haven't been enough but I might give it a try! There are other reasons for transitioning (sharing load with baby's dad and wanting to restart a medication) but for now this could be helpful :)
I’m a new mom, my little potato is 6 weeks old. It’s been a little challenging here and there but it’s good. Lovely video. I’m kinda anxious to go back to work.
You saying to husband "I am sooo grateful you did this..." but "if you don't mind" seems weird, because why are you requesting for a favour? Is it not work for both people? And at the end of the day you are having to master manage all of it and reduce it to tasks for him. Just too fatiguing, can be better.
Lol love the "play the piano" reference 😂 Mom of three here! Can totally relate to this topic, I think it's great that you're sharing the reality! I love my greens from 1st Phorm!! Drink them everyday!! Also, obsessed with their protein, so many great flavors!
Love these tips! Haha one I found really helped that I’ll add is compliments each week! My husband and I every Sunday do what we call family council. We sit together, go through the calendar and then share compliments. Just anything nice that they do that you appreciate from that week/ in general. For example, I might say “I really appreciate that…” “thank you so much for…”. It feels awkward the first few times, but the more you do it the more it becomes super natural to compliment each other 🙌🏻
My second baby was born 11 days ago and this could not have come at a better time. I’m kind of losing it currently. 😅 Everyone lied to me when they said 1 to 2 was easy. 😭
I'm so glad you made this video. I set up a therapist before having my baby and I was so glad I did. But she said don't call yourself crazy! Even though it FEELS completely crazy. I felt CRAZY with all those baby hormones. You were worried about Susie. I went and decided that my partner probably doesn't even like me anymore cause all I do is take care of an infant 24 hours a day. Why did we become friends in the first place? I've always been boring! And he had joined an online community and was in discord a lot, and hoo boy that made my anxiety 1000x worse. He has new friends now that are fun and interesting and probably young and full of life! Talking to him, he was like "you really think I would rather hang out with anyone more than you?" Yes! These 7 tips are so perfect. I had to learn to ask for what I need BEFORE I think I need it. Ask, ask, ask. My therapist had me writing down every time that my husband did something that showed he loves me. Cause I kept forgetting the good bits and hyper fixating on my fears. I was also "Me and my baby" vs my partner. I don't know why. Baby and I just felt like a unit and partner is a helper. That should not be the case. My therapist told me I need to refer to our son as OUR baby, not my baby. It's my husband and me vs the baby lol. "Take time to connect" fixed our relationship issues. We determined that from the time my husband gets home until our son goes to bed, that is family time. Every weekday. But for us that family time was missing, and we felt so disconnected. This video is gold, thanks so much for putting it together.
You're fuy and accurate! Im 2 weeks postpartum and we have a 5 and 2.5 yr old and you may imagine the chaos at home right now. My preemie needs to gain wt and im breastfeeding, bottle feeding and pumping every 3 hrs in the same room as my husband and our kids...poor things they wake up in the middle of the night...it breaks my heart but my husband disagrees on putting them in their room in which they've never slept in bc he deals with them and thinks they will keep coming back to our room all night and he doesnt want to deal witht that. God help us.
Great tips Shayla! Toe touches! Yessss! The hand gesture was gold!!! We're hangin' on and finding moments here too - had a great chat whilst folding laundry! Pssssst he multitasked and carried on a convo - it takes having kids to transform us in so many ways!
Hey Sheyla I just had baby number three four days ago and this was so helpful thank you. These are SO GOOD, and so true. The sweet moments are amazing but man it's challenging to stay close in the post partum time, thank you for these reminders.
Thank youuuuu. I really needed this. The mind spiralling due to no piano playing 😂 so true! We are totally going through this right now with all the craziness, our Bebe is 6 weeks old tomorrow and I’m like ahhh. You are awesome 👏 xx
Love this so much ❤ I need you to read the empowered wife though and get back to us 😂🎉🎉 but love these tips and always rooting for couples- it’s rough with young kids!
Mines 2 and we are still having issues. He had a mad drama about a bloody bowl ffs and still had an issue with me removing the contents. I had no clue so was just trying to rectify it. And what's worse is I fought for him. my side of the family don't get on with him and maybe they were right.
In the newborn days, some of my best memories with my husband were eating takeout standing in kitchen with the lights off, whispering to not wake the baby 😊 i just felt like, alright. We're in this together. And life is wild. But we're doing a great job!
Connection time! We found just handing the baby off to each other without prioritizing our “we” time was disconnecting us so we’re making more of an effort to stay united.
Nice advice about giving a husband an hour to relax and then ask for help. It seems natural but his needs are often ignored once he is at home, like now he is obligated to serve his heroic wife🙈
This was a very practical, applicable, and wise video. My partner and i are expecting soon and we haven’t been together that long. Praying for grace, energy, and laughs to help us on this new journey ☺️Thanks so much!
My children are my number 1. Always. Our children are my husbands number 1. I wouldn’t ever have it any other way and I wouldn’t have had married my husband if he didn’t understand that kids come first, partners come second.
My husband and I sacrificed for our children, but we also understand that we need to be intentional about our relationship with each other. I grew up with parents who hated each other for 20 years. Individually they loved us, but not one another. I think that's what people mean when they say their partner comes first. I instinctively want to respond to my children's needs, but I must put effort (during the child raising years) into also connecting with my husband and communicating our needs as partners.
Children won’t be around forever. If your children at your number 1 you’ll have nothing left when they leave home. It’s also healthy from them to grow up with parents in a strong relationship.
