Responding to Trauma Play as a Foster Parent 

I'm so sorry

❤❤❤

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I hope your life is full of joy, peace and love from here on out.

Same. Thanks for commenting that. I honestly thought I was the only one

My parents trained me to pretend I wasn't home in case people they were indebted to or repo men would come. Now I'm in my 30s and I still do all of the things when I hear a doorbell: feet off the ground (or take off shoes if I absolutely have to move), hold my breath, turn off the sound in everything that *could* make noise, but leave anything that's already making noise as is, stay away from windows etc. etc. I *can* just open the door if I know it's a pizza I ordered (not without fear though), but any unexpected doorbell rings paralyse me.

I know I really appreciated that too 💖

Yes true in our house we say a disregulated adult can't regulate a disregulated child.

I didn’t even know what that meant! Like the regs in some states don’t allow u to engage in trauma play? …why would anyone join in who was having “big feelings”?? Wouldn’t that worsen the trauma for the child 🤦‍♀️

This stuck out for me too

@@YeshuaKingMessiah Maybe you figured it out now, but regulated in this context refers to emotional regulation, not legal regulation. Being emotionally regulated kind of means you're in control of your mood and not struggling with strong emotions. So basically if you want to help a child feel calmer and more peaceful you need to be able to get yourself to feel calm and peaceful first.

@@junbh2 Thanks for this clear explanation. I couldn't work out what she was talking about.

I'm so sad for little you 💛 she did not deserve that. But you can heal and I wish you the best of luck on your journey! Humans are amazing creatures - we can overcome and find joy even after so much hardship.

I saw that with my niece when she left her dad's. It was so sad, but also eye opening and we were able to bring it up with the therapist and hopefully got her the help she needed.

It might be heartbreaking, but that is some serious work and processing going on. Personally, I feel that it’s important for a child to have a safe space to allow for that to happen. Of course, there may be some rules to be put into place in terms of safety, but letting a child express those experiences and emotions is so, so important.

My college students still do it in improv, role playing, creative writing, board games, etc. I try to let them express themselves safely while also giving them power over the situation.

You just confirmed a thought that I have been ruminating on for a while regarding trauma from my childhood and how I used to play it out with my toys. My trauma wasn't anything like what some of these kids have been through, but it messed me up in ways that I'm only discovering almost thirty years on from when it happened.

@@missveronica8393 Isn't is amazing how we constantly uncover and understand more deeply things from our past. Even if we thought we understood it before? It's like an onion. Sounds like you're ready for the next layer.

You were that child's guardian angel that day

I am having trouble understanding what the winding line is? But I don't want you to say anything that would get you in trouble, or make you uncomfortable.

I interpreted that to mean they saw it as disorganized in a way that looked like the child was in pain.

Thank you so much for helping that child!

I know this is a year ago and don’t mean to be difficult but how did you know the parent wasn’t the abuser and not someone else ?

As someone who didn't necessarily have abusive parents, but definitely didn't get their needs met and was emotionally harmed growing up (undiagnosed mental issues are a hell of a thing), that last sentence hit me like a truck. I moved out on my own a few years ago, and it genuinely is the first time in my life where I've felt completely safe. I'm glad your husband and kids have you.

That sounds so beautiful, what you’ve created now

Yay ♥

💛

​@@dreaming-of-spots6805 unfortunately, emotionally absve parents are still that. If you never felt safe, then that's abse.

💓

@@emilyb5557 Thank you.

🫂

You’re right. What is an adoptive parent, if not a really long term foster parent

Exactly. I’m a teacher in training and I find this stuff really useful

Agree agree agree!!! I have an adopted daughter on the autism spectrum and watching these situations has really helped my responses and given me more options ❤❤❤

Monster reprllant on her brother? I wonder why I never though doing this on mine... (He's my most supportive family member, amazing man, but he could ve SO annoying as a kid and teen 😂)

crap I just had the realization too from your comment. I was ashamed of it because I thought it had come from my imagination but now I get it. ugh 😞

Don't feel silly if it helps you.

@@FluffyEclairs You're right. Thank you.

​@@raea3588From what I see in the comments, you are far from alone on both fronts. Let's just celebrate that you found something that helps! 🥰

@@tejaswoman That's so kind of you to say ❤

Same here.. and it helped ❤

My bathroom is like one of the only rooms in my house *without* tissues, so you saying that just blows my mind.

I was also going to say the bathroom for all the reasons you gave but also because I could run the shower and flush the toilet to try to drown out the shouting.

You can always use toilet paper to wipe up your messy face. That's like 30% of my toilet paper is for, if I have a cold.

Same, I always hid in the bathroom because it was the one place where my abusive father would not follow me into (because if I said to a teacher or someone else “my dad comes into the bathroom when I am in there” that raises more red flags than “my dad smacks me because he says I misbehave all the time”) As a child I had constant (what Drs said were) UTIs, even though nothing ever showed up in urine testing, now as an adult having gone through therapy, I realised it’s my bodies response to trauma/stress, in that my body basically forces me to stay in a place I feel safe in (the bathroom). The occasional time I have felt UTI symptoms as an adult I have always thought “am I stressed about something or is it an actual infection”

@@GotAnUmbrella Well, there’s always TP (usually!) so what’s the need???

I’m so sorry you and your siblings had to go through that. I hope you’re all in a better space mentally *and* psychically. ❤️❤️❤️

respond ca;my, "that seems so scayr" or redirect play to something else and in private talk to the social worker/case therapist about the comments made

@@Kytti-not-kitty thank you for responding.

In a curious way, you've reminded me of something my mother often says when she attends presentations by the leader of a local charity called CitySquare: "Larry, I don't know why I always attend whenever you speak. It's very hard on my wallet!"

Yes, I think she means emotionally regulated. In this case, it may be in regards to if the trauma play triggers you as an adult, whether or not if its relevant to any trauma you have. Sometimes a kid being vulnerable like this can instantly drive someone to tears (its simply heart breaking!) But doing this can be incredibly confusing and scary for an already traumatized child. Waiting until you, the caregiver, feel stable/secure enough to respond to the child is paramount to making a safe environment.

No. Not no emotions. Yes, walk away and deal with yourself and re-approach the situation when you are ready. Being emotional is human. Learning how to appropriately address and express those emotions is regulation. You can look it up and methods to help

It's a little more nuanced than just the presence or absence of emotion... it's more about how well you're handling that emotion in the moment. "Regulated" doesn't mean you have no emotions, but rather, that you are in control of your emotions. Your best self is in the driver's seat, and you are able to make decisions from a kind and rational place. You are able to be present for the other person from a kind place, even if you do have your own emotions going on in the background. So for example you may feel annoyed, but you can give a gentle yet firm demeanor if you're correcting a child who behaved poorly. You're not going to yell or be unkind. Whereas when you are dysregulated, your best self is no longer in the driver's seat. Sometimes it means a fight-or-flight type response in your brain has taken the wheel a bit (remember that we all have that part of our brain that is hardwired to sense and respond to threats) and you're not in a good place to be there for someone. If you feel like you're on the verge of yelling, then you're definitely dysregulated and going off alone to calm down is a good idea, and maybe take some slow deep breaths. You may need a moment by yourself, to step away and begin to center yourself again, before you're back in a regulated state and feel ready to be there for someone as your best self. And, if you're angry, the anger may not go away, but the intensity can die down a bit as you come back into a centered and regulated state. Regulating your emotions is about handling them maturely, rather than about whether or not you have them at all.

Makes me think of a ritual I learned from a children's rhyme after a minor injury such as mildly scraping a knee: after putting the Band-Aid on, I repeat, " _Sana, sana, colita de rana - si no sanas hoy, sanarás mañana_ ." (Heal, heal, little frog tail, if you don't heal today you will heal tomorrow.) It's silly, but even having it said over me as an adult feels better because it represents the care of the other person. And I didn't even grow up with it!

@@tejaswoman yes! it's like kissing a booboo better!