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Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED 

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Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected - an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships.
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20 май 2015

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Комментарии : 13 тыс.   
@cosmaskibarangwa8277
@cosmaskibarangwa8277 2 года назад
I'm in a relationship with the gym, we always seem to workout
@Atlas65
@Atlas65 2 года назад
It is maybe a dad joke level. But still a very underrated comment.
@aisele1
@aisele1 2 года назад
🤣 brilliant. 👊
@emprrah
@emprrah 2 года назад
Yup
@racheltalbot718
@racheltalbot718 2 года назад
😂😄😂
@hueyhooverhampton7060
@hueyhooverhampton7060 2 года назад
😁
@Aaron-hk6st
@Aaron-hk6st 2 года назад
An affair isn't always the end of a relationship but it is always the end of the relationship as it was once known.
@oliviah4022
@oliviah4022 2 года назад
True
@StarofSolomon
@StarofSolomon 2 года назад
Only cucks remain with their cheating partner.
@wesleygordon1645
@wesleygordon1645 2 года назад
There is such a thing as forgiveness & restoration, but it takes two people to work it through!!
@wesleygordon1645
@wesleygordon1645 2 года назад
@@StarofSolomon Fools don't forgive! And fools don't ask for forgiveness
@jerryharris876
@jerryharris876 2 года назад
For me, it is the end of the relationship, period.
@Yetipfote
@Yetipfote Год назад
"Staying is the new shame." This sunk deep.
@tme98
@tme98 Год назад
Same here, I am guilty. I took her back, and my friends lost respect for me.
@lukasbryant9881
@lukasbryant9881 Год назад
It may have sunk deep, but is actually shallow and incomplete. Relationships are complex and the saying "staying is the new shame" is an extreme oversimplification. Starting from 14:40 on, she explains this.
@coronaphone710
@coronaphone710 Год назад
Give m what they want But do it safely... Put something on it and make 100% sure ...
@eithkobbsh1094
@eithkobbsh1094 Год назад
@@coronaphone710 What is your mental disorder exactly?
@USAviation85
@USAviation85 6 месяцев назад
@@tme98What matters is the respect you have for yourself.
@yasminatkinson9290
@yasminatkinson9290 Год назад
He knew how much it would hurt me, but he did it anyway.
@789kbek
@789kbek 4 года назад
"Not looking for another person, but looking for another self." That hit me hard.
@789kbek
@789kbek 4 года назад
Love, like all emotions, is far more complex than that.
@ThomasDoubting5
@ThomasDoubting5 4 года назад
Self is nothing it's an illusion. Self is what you think we are. Nothing but thoughts. What we actually are is not explainable in reality. Senses and emotions is the nearest thing I can think of.
@ThomasDoubting5
@ThomasDoubting5 4 года назад
@@789kbek it's only complicated when you think and dissect its the same with anything. Love is a idea and no words do it or other emotions any justice. But if you think nothing,or question anything.. What is any of this?
@puckromanesco5336
@puckromanesco5336 4 года назад
12:21
@fireoil
@fireoil 4 года назад
it extend to friends in another dimension i feeling
@Chris-cf2kp
@Chris-cf2kp 7 лет назад
She's a powerful and brilliant orator. It seems like many here missed her message. She is against infidelity, yet does not cover her ears and shout when both perspectives are examined. She is presenting her analysis of both perspectives, that of the cheat and that of the betrayed. She is very scientific and unbiased, and this speech was very insightful.
@flower5185
@flower5185 7 лет назад
What did you learn about cheaters from this? I watched the whole thing hoping to find some insight, but this sorta fell flat to me.
@earlgrey2130
@earlgrey2130 7 лет назад
Then you didn't listen. We learned about who cheats, when and why we cheat, what it does to the cheaters, the relationships and how to deal with the situation it creates. What else do you wanna know?
@Confundus
@Confundus 7 лет назад
Wtf??? You need to watch it again and listen this time.
@bigsteve3481
@bigsteve3481 7 лет назад
+
@geema2281
@geema2281 7 лет назад
I thought she was insightful as well. It seems most people in the comments just didn't understand. This wasn't a pro or anti discussion. It was merely a discussion about the reasons and circumstances and even the outcomes once it happens. I thought it noted some interesting points and perspectives. I'm sure people will now insult me and call me names or something.
@alinq9897
@alinq9897 8 месяцев назад
12:22 “it isn’t always our partner, that we are turning away from. but the person we have ourselves become. and it isn’t so much that we are looking for another person, but looking for another self”
@madhumitabasak9275
@madhumitabasak9275 8 месяцев назад
That line made me pause, it was truly so beautiful ❤
@jimin6813
@jimin6813 7 месяцев назад
Brilliant line
@Jetsetfastfood
@Jetsetfastfood 2 месяца назад
If your wife neglects you she should not be surprised when you find a new woman.
@Kritikanbringer
@Kritikanbringer Месяц назад
Stop the cope.
@insanepopcorn
@insanepopcorn Год назад
This orator can really weave a compelling narrative. Ive watched this ted talk several times now and am always enthralled by how captivating Esther is. Her charisma and charm are only eclipsed by her knowledge and insight. I aspire to one day think and talk as gracefully as she does.
@andreav9045
@andreav9045 Год назад
You should listen to her books.
@Thescotandthegobbyshite
@Thescotandthegobbyshite 2 месяца назад
Her podcasts are amazing too
@sephiroth1234
@sephiroth1234 8 дней назад
Great comment, ChatGPT
@Cocofx
@Cocofx 8 лет назад
"Affair in the digital age , a death by a thousand cuts" WOW
@itaialter
@itaialter 8 лет назад
TheSwoleBroscientist Dying by a thousand cuts is a reference to a certain torture technique, where instead of just killing you and getting it over with, they cut many many small cuts in your body until you slowly bleed to death. In her metaphor, the discovery of each piece of history from an affair is like a new cut.
@iviewthetube
@iviewthetube 8 лет назад
Cocofx Sort of like the meat slicer at Quiznos?
@namewithheld7835
@namewithheld7835 8 лет назад
***** just keep your head down and ignore the world, great philosophy. That kind of thinking keeps poverty and crime the most prevalent problems in the world
@namewithheld7835
@namewithheld7835 8 лет назад
***** who would think a low life Cheater would be better than them? And why does the person being cheated on become a coward loser for wanting there to be justice in the world?
@namewithheld7835
@namewithheld7835 8 лет назад
***** if you had listened to the talk you would remember she said it wasn't a emotional need that caused the affair, it was a fear of the partner's own mortality, and the feeling of _"Is this it?"_ You seem to think *communicate and listen to your partner*, and _everything_ will be _peaches and cream_. That's *bullshit*, you even said relationships are complicated. You are just trying to blame the other person for your own lack of self control, and personal responsibility. 
@hughmanatee7657
@hughmanatee7657 3 года назад
She is not only brilliant in her analysis, but also a master of language.
@hughmanatee7657
@hughmanatee7657 3 года назад
@Fernando Fernando Explain that, please.
@krose420
@krose420 3 года назад
joseph bianco so you’re a cheater
@ShivavihS
@ShivavihS 3 года назад
@@krose420 or his insight comes from being cheated on
@henare101
@henare101 3 года назад
@@krose420 stop gaslighting and projecting
@krose420
@krose420 3 года назад
henare101 honey what’s wrong with you? You sound miserable
@horrormastersph2070
@horrormastersph2070 Год назад
Whenever I run out of reasoning and common sense, i go back to this talk. Excellently delivered😑
@erikajeremy
@erikajeremy Год назад
hz0yoe Holyoke
@baronhelmut2701
@baronhelmut2701 2 месяца назад
Yeah, the only way you can listen to this nonsense is if your brain isnt working well. A relationship is over after cheating. Regardless of any feelings or any desire. If you forgive them once, they are just going to keep doing it.
@leopren
@leopren 2 месяца назад
@@baronhelmut2701 exactly, this is justa a well spoken mental gymnastic to justify the lack of moral compass, lack of self control.
@007-bourne
@007-bourne Год назад
My second best Ted talk ever! Well articulated. “When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become”.
@joo5972
@joo5972 Год назад
i think the most hurtful thing about an affair is thinking of what you were doing while it was happening. Thinking of being at work, Thinking of the times you went to the store, the times u were sleeping and were so naive. You feel bad for yourself, you question what’s true and what’s not. The hardest part is not forgiving the act, it’s forgetting the act. It’s so hard to not ask for constant validation and then wonder if what they’re telling u is even real. Feeling like “this person looked me in my eyes right after they did it and didn’t even feel the guilt”. It’s a scary thought. It makes you question yourself. I don’t know if I can ever let this go but I want to trust him more than anything, I want what he’s saying so badly to be true.
@jessemilymorrow
@jessemilymorrow Год назад
This.. this is actually how it feels to be cheated on by someone you never suspected a thing! And I think if someone hasnt been betrayed by their so trusted partner then they will never know how it really feels! Well said.
@jessemilymorrow
@jessemilymorrow Год назад
@@hak1985org I think its more so the fact that you trusted so easily this person and when you find out they did something you never expected, it hurts to suddenly be shocked with not knowing what is true and what isnt anymore and doubting everything they are saying because now you know how easily they lied to you about so many things. Of course this is gonna make you doubt about yourself and many other things!!
@ThiaEmmy
@ThiaEmmy Год назад
@joo this is exactly how it feels. The constant clash of emotions versus sound logic is exhausting let alone painful.
@umutruzgar2923
@umutruzgar2923 Год назад
@@hak1985org There is a human being in front of you -a traumatized one!-, would you mind being more emphatic and not attack their persona, please? That's just unhelpful and rude.
@umutruzgar2923
@umutruzgar2923 Год назад
just please dont ignore your intuition. If you want to try only because you love him, think twice. Strongly recommend therapy as it is one of the most devastating things you could ever experience, it leaves a trauma
@jasonnowak6512
@jasonnowak6512 4 года назад
"It's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person"
@thomasking3663
@thomasking3663 4 года назад
They missing your point .....
@Love_To_Be_Love
@Love_To_Be_Love 4 года назад
Jason Nowak so true! I’ve been focusing on creating my own happiness from myself!
@perry9402
@perry9402 4 года назад
Being in Love with a projected imagination of what your partner is can be dangerous. If they leave, your left with a shattered self. Some people actually never recover.
@joshuacoleman8000
@joshuacoleman8000 4 года назад
@@perry9402 And some end up going on a deadly rampage.
@o0orayo0o
@o0orayo0o 3 года назад
But the imagination is the pinnacle of evolution. You must have been cheated on or never got the girl of your dreams so now you stopped dreaming altogether.
@rjwl55
@rjwl55 Год назад
Like she said, sometimes we get to the point in marriage where we realize that we are not the person we want to be or really are. Although it is harder to become your real self in a dysfunctional marriage, refusing to be stereotyped by your spouse and living in integrity can actually have a revitalizing effect on your marriage, as you are more like the person that they fell in love with in the beginning. After 20+ years and fruitless counseling, I gave my rings back to my spouse and said, "If you are willing to have a completely different kind of marriage, let me know, because I would be." It took two months, but he decided he was willing and we made steady progress after that. At 45 years of marriage with four grown children and 9 grandchildren, I am glad I hung in there for change.
@derrevolutor6347
@derrevolutor6347 Год назад
what kind of marriage did you have and what did it become?
@rjwl55
@rjwl55 Год назад
@@derrevolutor6347 I began the first 10 years of marriage trying to become the person that would make my spouse happy...which proved always just out of reach. The next 10 years were spent trying to defend myself and get my spouse off my case, which was gasoline on the fire. The Gottmann's books helped as did Verbal Abuse by Dr Grace Ketterman and Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. In the end insisting on being treated with respect (in a respectful way, of course), getting rid of Gottmann's "4 horsemen" and refusing to accept or internalize intended and unintended offenses (letting the other person be in a "bad mood" but not reacting or cooperating with it) gave us the power to overcome/minimize destructive relational dynamics. Occasionally we slip back but quickly recognize old patterns and apologize or pull out of them. Friendship and companionship is more our goal than romantic drama.
@derrevolutor6347
@derrevolutor6347 Год назад
@@rjwl55 wow. I wounderful that you analysed your emotions and found a way of logicly working on it. Most women I know resent this method, stating that their love and relationships can not be explained. You made a rather unique choice, both of you. Thank you for sharing your experience
@monicastanley0422
@monicastanley0422 Год назад
That’s a beautiful outcome. I’m so glad for you. ❤❤
@erko78
@erko78 10 месяцев назад
Rare outcome but did cheating happen? I just don’t understand how someone could trust someone who cheated and continue to stay with them. This Ted Talk is nice but really just word salad. Cheating isn’t just the physical act. It’s the partner lying to you day after day, smiling in your face and telling you they love you while at the same time texting their affair partner, risking your health with STDS, risking your family’s life because what if they picked an affair partner who is unstable and will show up to your home, etc When you look at all that evidence you realize this Ted Talk is just word diarrhea. A cheater has shown you they’re dishonest, deceitful, will risk your health and your family JUST to get their attention, validation and sexual urges. Now you tell me why any intelligent person would want to give such a person a chance again? The logical and intelligent decision is to move on from such a horrible person and try your luck at finding someone better.
@Aelfwine_Deira
@Aelfwine_Deira Год назад
Very powerful words. As someone who was cheated on....yet we managed to continue our relationship. The parting words really struck me: "your first marriage is over, would you like to start a new one?" That is exactly how it is if you choose to stay together. It is not for everyone and the cultural norms and peer pressure (as she discuses here are so powerful) make it almost unbearable to stay together.
@CrystalDatingCoach
@CrystalDatingCoach 9 месяцев назад
Cheated once...and never again. Really?
@madmike3012
@madmike3012 9 месяцев назад
You’re still getting cheated on.
@MrMoronification
@MrMoronification 8 месяцев назад
Same here. The process of building trust again with her and moving through the process is very difficult. I beat myself up daily for what I have done. I hope one day I can forgive myself.
@USAviation85
@USAviation85 6 месяцев назад
@@madmike3012Statistics show 60% of men and 40% of women cheat. But, 90% of people only have one affair.
@iamweebo1349
@iamweebo1349 4 месяца назад
@@MrMoronificationwhy did u do it? :/ If you don’t have a problem sharing
@grapiken7766
@grapiken7766 8 лет назад
There are those who rise above childish weakness and make a moral decision to treat their partner with respect. They may, at risk to themselves and the relationship, clearly communicate that they are unfulfilled by the relationship in some way. There is no getting away from it - cheating is an act of disrespect and on a personal level, I would rather be told by a partner that they were 'unhappy' than to be cheated on. The lying, deceit, prevarication and duplicity is a thousand times worse than being told the truth.
@christinasebastian3749
@christinasebastian3749 8 лет назад
Well said
@CCLynnBeauty
@CCLynnBeauty 8 лет назад
+Gra Piken It's happened to me constantly, and to this day I'm still broken over it.
@grapiken7766
@grapiken7766 8 лет назад
CCLynnBeauty this is why I hate cheaters. The heart never fully heals
@samr1321
@samr1321 8 лет назад
+kioni kearney At least, then you know that it's over and you don't have to deal with the question of "why?".
@MoneyMagnet2222
@MoneyMagnet2222 8 лет назад
Thank you Gra! My thoughts exactly. When a person chooses to come up with lies to hide his/her affair all while looking their partner in the eyes & saying love them, the cheater has made a conscious decision to selfishly disrespect the trust and space his/her partner has given. If those likely to cheat put efforts into their "main" relationship that they do in affairs - there would be no need for affairs. Man or woman up and tell the damn truth. You put those you claim to love at risk physically and emotionally all because you want it all. Communicate! Tell your partners your dreams, fantasies, fears and hopes. If your partner does not want to meet you halfway, get counseling or break up! Sheesh.
@humanormachine2936
@humanormachine2936 5 лет назад
This woman immediately commands everyone's attention and holds it for the entire time. What a powerful speaker, and one of the most brilliant minds we have today.
@korosensei1379
@korosensei1379 4 года назад
Yes, I noticed it too. She really deserved the standing ovation
@ggrthemostgodless8713
@ggrthemostgodless8713 4 года назад
wow ---you're easily impressed.
@mikem4162
@mikem4162 4 года назад
GGR TheMostGodless lol!
@prelude12341
@prelude12341 4 года назад
Translation...we (women) want to bang whoever we want and still take your money in divorce...
@iniubongnkanga9390
@iniubongnkanga9390 4 года назад
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact Mike to help he is a genius, you can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701)
@champtunes
@champtunes Год назад
Got married at 23, wife chested 2 years later. Didn't forgive her and found myself a godsend angel in my new wife. Took me 6 years to meet this wonderful person and I couldn't be any happier. This is what a marriage is supposed to feel like. We have a son and we just thank God everyday for life.
@bilalmunir4757
@bilalmunir4757 Год назад
Happy for you. May the lord give you both the patience to deal with each other’s imperfections and bless your children.
@heidiWava
@heidiWava Год назад
Yay! Thanks for letting me know it's out there, and giving hope that I'll find my good relationship when I'm ready!
@joanarc7963
@joanarc7963 Год назад
@@adalindamorales4123 shut up adeleine
@amorepsyche808
@amorepsyche808 Год назад
@@adalindamorales4123 this was really unecessary
@bulletbob6296
@bulletbob6296 Год назад
Yeah I understand mine cheated within 6 months. My new wife has been a God send.
@Jeff-uq7iu
@Jeff-uq7iu Год назад
Cheating especially in a marriage is probably the worst thing you can do, you can permanently scar someone. Even if the person gets over it, they will always be affected by it. When I was in the military I've seen guys get completely wiped out by news of infidelity, even to the point of suicide.
@volvo24091
@volvo24091 Год назад
Suicide because your wife was dishing it out. Fools.
@firewater3523
@firewater3523 Год назад
Ah yes, youtube, censor the comment replying to the comment about infedelity induced sucide
@blake4701
@blake4701 Год назад
100 percent.
@MrQuincy88
@MrQuincy88 Год назад
@@firewater3523 well uh… if u were saying people are weak and it shouldn’t affect them then I get why they censored u
@Goochiesharkanimation
@Goochiesharkanimation Год назад
So true..
@alexl8392
@alexl8392 5 лет назад
2:50 "Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today monogamy is one person at a time..." DAMN 😔
@greenlitlleman
@greenlitlleman 5 лет назад
@AJ Flex Monogamy could be "always one person for life" only if it is enforced by society like in Islam countries. It is unnatural for our species, it can't make us happy in 90% cases. Things become like it is because people were given a choice and now things are much more natural and closer to our nature which is serial monogamy.
@kurtisnicholson125
@kurtisnicholson125 5 лет назад
@@greenlitlleman REALLY?
@jackjones3657
@jackjones3657 5 лет назад
Good luck having a loving and trusting marriage with that mentality.
@pres4417
@pres4417 4 года назад
@@greenlitlleman u serious 🤣🤣🤣
@greenlitlleman
@greenlitlleman 4 года назад
@@pres4417 Its not me, it is evolutionary biology and neuroscience. It isn't a matter of opinion here.
@joemarshall4226
@joemarshall4226 5 лет назад
The fun of having a partner with whom you have no secrets is better than the thrill of cheating.
@natashagranville6581
@natashagranville6581 5 лет назад
But some men (and women) are thrill seekers. They like taking risks. They get a buzz from it. They are addicted to cheating, like alcoholics and gamblers. I have been cheated on. Now i have major trust issues with men.
@jeniwatkins3297
@jeniwatkins3297 5 лет назад
True
@Chimonger1
@Chimonger1 5 лет назад
Whether each in a successful relationship knows it or not, humans ALWAYS keep secrets from even those closest to them. How many secrets, or what kind of secrets, usually depends on how whole or broken they became, from how they were parented from the time they were conceived. Those who think their partners hold no secrets? Usually are blithely deluding themselves. It would be extremely rare to have no secrets...and if one thinks they’ve found such a couple...think again!
@jeniwatkins3297
@jeniwatkins3297 5 лет назад
@@Chimonger1 generally this is true but not always.
@mercwindow
@mercwindow 5 лет назад
Winter Star I believe it's just healthy to have a well rounded interesting happy life in your own right that you can then share. It's then up to you and the respective partners how much of that life you participate in. For instance I love ballroom dancing. My husband knows and encourages this as he has observed me at my clubs but he hates that kind of dancing. He on the other hand is a body builder and I have observed him and his colleagues of both sexes at his gym. I get a buzz from having this 'conversation ' through dance that can be quite sexy with many men several times a week. I don't know whether or not this makes my husband jealous he never says but we equally do lots of wonderful intimate things together and share conversations about his gym and my dancing. We are not perfect by any means but this is one of several things I have for me that keeps me emotionally satisfied and interesting to my partner
@neilkellett732
@neilkellett732 Год назад
30 years ago I cheated on my greatest love and was discovered. It destroyed us both and while she recovered, I didn't. After trying so hard to make it work again she left me and went on to meet and marry another. She is now very happy while I have never fully recovered from the guilt, the loss and the self blame.
@calimarcella
@calimarcella Год назад
:(
@SilverPaladin
@SilverPaladin Год назад
You should forgive yourself and put it behind you.
@JohnJJingleheimer
@JohnJJingleheimer Год назад
Good
@srbaruchi
@srbaruchi Год назад
You are likely idealizing the marriage and the love and bond between you. This is easy to do in the absence of the other. Regardless of why the affair happened, and the marriage dissolved, 30 years is WAY too long to be victimizing yourself. You are a different man now. But you have to RECOGNIZE that and CHOOSE, actively, to no longer be stuck in the past.
@dddddbbb
@dddddbbb Год назад
Sounds more like infactuation than love. If you truly love someone you don't put your own desires above theirs. Move on. Find someone you do love.
@GininaPulcinella
@GininaPulcinella 8 лет назад
This is one of the best Ted Talks I have ever seen. This woman is so intelligent, captivating, and powerful. She is perfectly rehearsed and polished. She has put together an incredible, well-thought-out, riveting speech, and she is an exceptional speaker. She absolutely commands the audience. Unlike so many speakers of Ted Talks she never stutters, stumbles, and stammers over her speech. And, unlike many Ted speakers, she is anything but boring. She is beyond eloquent and charismatic. I would watch this woman read newspaper obituaries. In short, she is brilliant. Brava, Esther Perel. Your standing ovation was exceedingly well-deserved.
@TrustinJC
@TrustinJC 8 лет назад
+Ginina Pulcinella I read a few comments prior to watching the talk and thought yours was setting me up to be disappointed. But I found that 15 minutes in I was in complete agreement. By the end, however, I found that the talk was lacking a very important element. And that element has to do with spirituality. For her talk only dealt with the carnal aspect of adultery. And as she only dealt with this aspect of our dual nature (spiritual and carnal) she shows that she does not truly understand the deeper nature of an affair. Furthermore, the fact that she does not outright condemn affairs because some good sometimes appears to come out of it also shows how much she lacks in understanding human nature and the why's and the consequences of adultery. Identifying those occasions where some good seems to come from it does not erase or make up for the harm that usually follows.
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx 8 лет назад
+Ginina Pulcinella that does NOT mean she is intelligent, captivating? an expression, not what someone is. powerful? why, because she rehearsed it? intelligent? not at all for the reasons you describe knowledge does NOT equal intelligence. EVERY person on ted talks are intelligent in some way, you are WRONG.
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx 8 лет назад
+Ginina Pulcinella praising? literally your opinion, it does not make it right, and neither does peole agreeing with you
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx
@xXJackirBlackBloddXx 8 лет назад
+Ginina Pulcinella yep i listened to this speech and she isnt as smart or knowledgable about the other ted speakers, you dont realise this BECAUSE she is captivating (or you're just fucking stupid)
@ryanlast4817
@ryanlast4817 8 лет назад
+Ginina Pulcinella So ... your idea of a compliment is to put down another. ie: ..."unlike many TED speakers".... That hardly exhibits intelligence. Describing ..."many TED speakers" as a stutterer is patently false. Which is an exhibition of yet... more intelligence.
@dafyddil
@dafyddil 3 года назад
"Staying is the new shame." This woman has it so figured out... DAMN
@dud3man6969
@dud3man6969 3 года назад
I could only keep waking up with a fake smile on my face for so long.
@bryanr7622
@bryanr7622 3 года назад
LITERALLY
@carlosgarcia5458
@carlosgarcia5458 3 года назад
That profoundly hit home!!
@tiffanybluetarot
@tiffanybluetarot 3 года назад
@@dud3man6969 it's difficult to do. Especially when you start waking up alone more often than not. There is a breaking point ...and even though we knew an ending was coming, it doesn't help ease the pain when it happens.
@dud3man6969
@dud3man6969 3 года назад
@@tiffanybluetarot I do understand. When you’re really bonded with someone you believed you could trust the betrayal is hard to believe at first.
@caradeville3076
@caradeville3076 Год назад
Who else is watching this through tears after being cheated on
@Ch0senJuan
@Ch0senJuan Месяц назад
Lol at no one responding 😂😂😂
@SpicyCurrey
@SpicyCurrey 27 дней назад
​@@Ch0senJuan too vulnerable. But she's not the only one
@feldsparchannel4205
@feldsparchannel4205 17 дней назад
Me
@LivveDae
@LivveDae Год назад
To me cheating is most damaging because it requires a total lack of honesty, and then creates an immense distrust in the person who cheated. You were sticking to the contract while the other was going off doing whatever they want, treating you as if you're too foolish to notice, too unworthy of being loyal to, and it assumes the cheating partner is too special to be cheated on as well by opening the relationship while the one being cheated on deserves to just be one of many. Being cheated on feels like being stabbed in the chest. I personally believe it is an evil thing to do. Her breakdown on relationships was very insightful though.
@adambridgeman4191
@adambridgeman4191 5 лет назад
"It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self". (Esther Perel) Pure poetic truth...love her so much!
@deborahwiley-patel5072
@deborahwiley-patel5072 5 лет назад
This struck me! If more ppl would pay attention to this and not falling into depression or suicide.
@worthmyhearts.k.3630
@worthmyhearts.k.3630 5 лет назад
I loved that part too, she is not only intelligent but really poetic. Her speech was like an epic so that I became so overwhelmed at the end. But even after that, there are bad types of infidelities you can never survive from.
@jameslittle5214
@jameslittle5214 5 лет назад
Why can't people just not be cowards, and end the relationship rather than cheating?
@isabelomolo8853
@isabelomolo8853 5 лет назад
THIS just hit home for me.....wow!!!! I replayed it 6 times
@crissybelle7946
@crissybelle7946 5 лет назад
So true.
@vivavinto
@vivavinto 3 года назад
Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms: neglect, contempt and indifference
@patriciacole8773
@patriciacole8773 3 года назад
That’s the cold harsh truth
@hannasalo3463
@hannasalo3463 2 года назад
So very true 😪
@KarlosEPM
@KarlosEPM Год назад
Spotted the cheaters
@oemj7147
@oemj7147 Год назад
@@KarlosEPM Yup, the typical excuses.
@onnol917
@onnol917 Год назад
@@oemj7147 you do understand that this does refute OP's statement right?
@S.bjc03-01
@S.bjc03-01 11 месяцев назад
She is so well-spoken. I love this Ted! I love how she spoke with conviction, facts, asked important questions, challenged some beliefs while remaining respectful, and sprinkled a sense of humor. I love how it doesn’t end with just “no, move on” because that it not always the case for some. The reason behind infidelity reveals a lot more truth to about the person who commits the act than just reflecting the relationship itself or their partner. It’s definitely a grey-area of introspection when trying to find the next steps because the answer lies within one’s core values and beliefs.
@mikebarriga
@mikebarriga 5 месяцев назад
There’s something incredibly sad about the idea of looking for the bright side or the opportunity in an affair. Being cheated on sucks, having to imagine the events as they took place sucks. Picturing your partner with someone else sucks and choosing to live with it also sucks.
@mikaylawright6625
@mikaylawright6625 4 месяца назад
One hundred percent. The thing Im struggling with is imagining him doing to her the same things he did to be, or better, and enjoying it.
@unonumero717
@unonumero717 4 месяца назад
@@mikaylawright6625I can almost guarantee he truly did not enjoy it and hates himself for what he did if he’s showing deep remorse. I know I didn’t enjoy it. It made me sick. I went limp. And was sick all night afterward until I left.
@Thescotandthegobbyshite
@Thescotandthegobbyshite 2 месяца назад
​@@unonumero717you sound like you have a conscience. Many people either don't, or feel entitled or justified to have the affair. Some cheat because their partners have already cheated. Some cheat just because they can. Some even cheat because they were told not to and it reasserts their independence. But what I do know is that so many people do not feel guilty as they justify it in their own minds.
@sheriwilliams8942
@sheriwilliams8942 2 месяца назад
Sorry Sir, I know the feeling. 😔
@donnasimmons2241
@donnasimmons2241 2 месяца назад
Amen, you are absolutely right.
@JohnvanGurp
@JohnvanGurp Год назад
44 years with my sweetie and I’ve never strayed once… I made a commitment out of love and it’s as strong as ever.
@abileleoncino
@abileleoncino Год назад
may god bless you
@combitech8169
@combitech8169 Год назад
Oh here we go 😂
@jannaghaleiw5504
@jannaghaleiw5504 Год назад
Well said John, you're a great and very honest and honorable man. Me too I swear, I've been married for more than 24 years now, I've never ever cheated on my wife.
@lm406
@lm406 Год назад
Really, there is more than one way to "Stray" , Nevertheless, good job. I commend you for marriage longevity, I could not stand him after a few days of marriage.
@debbiedebbie9473
@debbiedebbie9473 Год назад
I didn't know that was possible for men. Your wife is lucky. ♥️🍀🍀🍀
@aminmansouri2733
@aminmansouri2733 8 лет назад
I had hardly ever seen any other speaker in Ted Talks than this person with such deep understanding of the concepts they are talking about.
@PacificMoceans
@PacificMoceans 6 лет назад
Amin Mansouri i agree
@humminghawk
@humminghawk 6 лет назад
there is nothing that can't be justified. Nothing. even lieing, stealing, ect. there is a reason for any and all behaviors. anything can be reframed to look good. I really am not getting tha aha moment here. liars, cheaters, thief's have always existed and always will. and yes, we are to forgive. and to work on ourselves.
@UnholyRave666
@UnholyRave666 6 лет назад
Explainations and justifications are very different things.
@Grasseatereu
@Grasseatereu 5 лет назад
then you acutally start listening to what they say...
@jasonn1210
@jasonn1210 4 года назад
@Angela Wilson it's not all about you. take her advice and ask investigative questions and not accusitive ones which will eat you up inside.
@thaisoceanos
@thaisoceanos 9 месяцев назад
This talk is an absolute masterpiece of communication, expertise, quality thinking and social studies.
@richardgraham1167
@richardgraham1167 Год назад
Break trust and it never truly returns. Excellent TED Talk, thanks Esther Perel.
@joshuaamoroso4809
@joshuaamoroso4809 2 месяца назад
That’s not true at all
@TheSeancassady
@TheSeancassady 7 лет назад
What you say at 6:15 reminds me of a class I took in college on sexuality. The professor separated the students by gender and had each group create a pie chart of characteristics or attributes they look for in a partner. So the female groups pie consisted of things like being a good father, being financially responsible, supporting me, having a sense of humor... The male group then came up with a similar list but you could definitely see a difference in the items listed for each group. The thing that we discussed afterwards was that no one person fulfills EVERY piece of your pie. They may be great with money but not great in bed. They may be super funny but not great at making you feel supported. The question posed by the professor was "which pieces of the pie can you live without and which ones are absolutely essential for you to want to remain in that relationship?" I think of that when I am discussing relationship topics with people, it is an interesting concept.
@LSSYLondon
@LSSYLondon 6 лет назад
That is such a good point. I always say "No person is so perfect, so Ideal, as to be the be all, end all, everything you will ever want, need, desire, every day 24/7 for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. And if you think such a person exists, I have a bridge to sell you."
@TheSeancassady
@TheSeancassady 6 лет назад
The problem is that we are raised, and society strongly influences, an idea that you can only be with one person or should only be with one person at a time. I like the current trends of open marriages and polyamory, I just wish I had been born about 30 years later so I could have participated in what I see playing out now.
@youtubesuresuckscock
@youtubesuresuckscock 6 лет назад
I don't know dude. Jeff Goldblum is up there.
@Rolroorlo
@Rolroorlo 6 лет назад
Perfect concept
@lauramoyabeauty1710
@lauramoyabeauty1710 6 лет назад
Hi Annony Mouse, I would like to talk more about alternatives to “normal” relationships. I consider myself polyamorous and would love to hear your perspective as someone “from another time”. Your comments were very refreshing.
@florat3742
@florat3742 3 года назад
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley
@joelosminski4525
@joelosminski4525 3 года назад
Great quote...
@gericko4931
@gericko4931 3 года назад
yeah, a singer , he must know about psychology
@florat3742
@florat3742 3 года назад
@@gericko4931 You don't have to have a diploma to know about life... Life experience also counts, everyone is searching for their own answers. Also, his quote is more philosophical than scientific.
@karaa7595
@karaa7595 3 года назад
@@florat3742 well said. Psychological "experts" act as if they literally created human beings. Their field is so subjective that I find it difficult to call it "scientific".
@keithkellner4517
@keithkellner4517 3 года назад
And how to make suffer those who instigated the hurt
@susettehorspool2646
@susettehorspool2646 Год назад
Wow. She's really good. I hardly ever subscribe to the videos I watch, but I want to hear more of her. She's direct, uses delightful language, and tackles the most difficult parts of her talk head on. I'm impressed.
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Год назад
My partner was cheating on me while we were leaving together for 2 years. Although there were so many some red flag, but she never stopped telling me how much she loved me and want to spend the rest of her life with me. So I kept on believing her lies and shoving the red flags. . Never knowing that she was having an affair with a guy that I know and they both kept it a secret. I got to find out when I open up to a very good business partner. How I have been noticing some red flags and he advised me on what to do and to find out for sure if she is being faithful. It was then that I realized that she was having an affair with this guy and they were secretly making future plans.. I was so heart broken by this but still grateful that I did the needful to actually find out. It is really such a painful thing how people plays with ones emotions.
@xialee5703
@xialee5703 Год назад
So how did you find out?
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Год назад
I employed the help of a professional, who helped me to uncover everything with evidence. Here is his contact no. below
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Год назад
1[559]
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Год назад
[3760]
@phawtakhun3652
@phawtakhun3652 Год назад
[021]
@quiteindeed6809
@quiteindeed6809 4 года назад
The worst part of this whole ordeal, is that for those of us who are truly monogamous, are also sadly the most vulnerable.
@amadd5641
@amadd5641 4 года назад
Other pieces of the pie some will restrict to weekends.
@yusufdurmus1557
@yusufdurmus1557 4 года назад
In a way, It almost encourages you to not be 100% loyal at all :(
@quiteindeed6809
@quiteindeed6809 4 года назад
@@yusufdurmus1557 I always say: "Why be a good man tomorrow, when you can be a good man today"
@freppie_
@freppie_ 4 года назад
Love is making yourself vulnurable right?
@varalabeschkuni2890
@varalabeschkuni2890 4 года назад
@@jordanallen8420 creep.
@brianm5637
@brianm5637 2 года назад
Good talk. Yes, the affair did redid one my marriage- it ended it. The narcissist ex-spouse: 1:accused me of having an affair constantly 2. Denied having an affair even after I caught her, while: 3. She blamed me for having an affair. Good riddance to that psycho. Years later, I met a ‘normal’ woman, which blew my mind. I waited for a year for the lies and gaslighting to start, but they never did. I consider myself blessed.
@connorflynn1885
@connorflynn1885 2 года назад
Same story here, hah! It still catches me off guard to get a sweet, loving, appreciative message from my SO.
@thrushjz
@thrushjz 2 года назад
Sounds like my Ex...
@vkrgfan
@vkrgfan 2 года назад
Sorry about your experience. Yes, she romanticizing infidelity too much. Narcissists aren’t looking for another self when cheating , they aren’t able to self reflect period, and it’s never their fault. They pursuit of an affair is deliberate, they want their cake and eat it too. But they sure teach you a lot about self love, after relationship with a Narcissists your boundaries and values reassessed.
@karlmel15
@karlmel15 2 года назад
Sound borderline
@kenyonjhill
@kenyonjhill 2 года назад
Why is it always heartbreak then a good person shows up LIKE WTF Why Can't the Good Person Show up first
@chriscullen2586
@chriscullen2586 2 месяца назад
'The victim of the affair, is not always the victim of the marriage.' Wow. That is an incredible truth.
@AsesssInvestmentsLLC
@AsesssInvestmentsLLC 2 месяца назад
Yes it is
@jasonb.9167
@jasonb.9167 21 день назад
It sure is...
@stevenvater8720
@stevenvater8720 Год назад
She is the best speaker I have seen on you tube, konstsntin kisin a close second. Her wit intelligence skill in communicating... priceless
@Ch0senJuan
@Ch0senJuan Месяц назад
Cool.
@unnink6243
@unnink6243 2 года назад
Choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. This is gold❤️
@edenskye1870
@edenskye1870 Год назад
Its really really true. My husband hasn't cheated but i have felt betrayed by him at a point in our relationship... this exact thought went through my head... The truth is if it hadnt have happened im not sure if i would be a close to him as we are now. Our problem solving skills and our trust absolutely exploded....
@sandracastillo3317
@sandracastillo3317 Год назад
He cheated on me and everyone was flabbergasted I still wanted to stay and work it out. He was the MOST shocked. He told me point blank if I had cheated he would absolutely not have stay. My friends indeed did try to shame me and say I should not stay at the time but it wasn't the sexual cheating that bothered me as much as the lies that went with every aspect to cover up the cheating to make me feel like I was crazy.. If we create a space for trust things can improve was my thought. He started lying again about 6 months ago, non-stop. I am glad I stayed for my own peace of mind, 5 years ago but his behavior and our relationship didn't improve so after almost 8 years together, I left...without a word. He mistook my genuine desire to get to the bottoms of things and grow as a couple as a weekness and his distain and disrespect just grew because I stayed. My parents have been married and supportive of each other for 50 years and weather everything, so not working things out is not an option in my mind. I am hoping to find the same but with no shame in staying or going when needed.
@desireoxurus4208
@desireoxurus4208 Год назад
@@sandracastillo3317 I bloody applaud you for your stance, the stance that we have as a society that if it's broken or cracked we need to throw it away and buy a new thing instead of trying to fix it first. Working things out and getting to the bottom of the discontent that caused the affair to begin with is it something that we can fix or is it something that is just something that is broken within my partner a sense of rebellion that they hadn't expressed at a younger age etc. but kudus to you for not staying when you sensed disrepect. all the best.
@shar6310
@shar6310 Год назад
I wanted to leave early on but I was embarrassed. I thought I could make it work. The disrespect was crazy! I finally startd to see the light about 2yrs ago, I let go emotionally over a year ago and left physically 4 months ago 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️. It's definitely hard....oh he started dating someone right away...
@ycAuntieLala
@ycAuntieLala Год назад
So long as you realize she didn’t mean it as if it were true or a good thing.
@jaguarfocus
@jaguarfocus 8 лет назад
"it isnt that we are looking for another person but we are looking for another self"..............damn........ you nailed it. i have felt like a different self in each of the relationships that i have had. always wondered if others felt the same. thx
@XNadax
@XNadax 8 лет назад
Maybe because you were not your true self in every relationship you had..we wether consciously or subconsciously tailor ourselves to fit in with our partners and in a way we lose some of our true selves..Or maybe because everyone you were with brought out something in you you didn't know existed we grow and we learn new things about ourselves everyday.
@jaguarfocus
@jaguarfocus 8 лет назад
yup....growth is life.
@DeeMontezx1
@DeeMontezx1 8 лет назад
Yes absolutely.
@jaguarfocus
@jaguarfocus 8 лет назад
i think the only way for any relationship to work is to tone down on the expectations from each other and take it one day at a time..........this forever love nonsense is what ends up killing the bond between two consenting adults.....give space and get space in return..........deep understanding of the balance between both is the key.
@kpjlflsknflksnflknsa
@kpjlflsknflksnflknsa 8 лет назад
+jaguarfocus with respect, maybe you shouldn't depend on others to define your "self"
@Delred1
@Delred1 8 месяцев назад
It could NEVER be the same again, NEVER.
@deborahmarinelli9277
@deborahmarinelli9277 Год назад
To listen to Esther Perel is marveling to me. She‘s clear, bold and on point. The end of her talk has brought up very strong feelings and tears and a deep understanding, like something snapped into the right position…. Which makes me think, what she said is an universal truth. When we‘re confronted with deep truths, then we are able to adapt our behaviour in order to align it with our beliefs.
@jessicad.f5485
@jessicad.f5485 Год назад
This was very insightful and captivating. "Many cheaters feel guilty for hurting their partner but not about the affair itself "💯
@Lilyflowers659
@Lilyflowers659 Год назад
Cheaters don’t change, despite what others say.
@jessicad.f5485
@jessicad.f5485 Год назад
You might be talking from experience but sorry, some do
@kenadams3306
@kenadams3306 Год назад
Humans are mammals and only 3 to 5% of all mammals are monogamous. Throw in social media and you have darwinism on crack. Fight it, hate it, ignore it, nothing's gonna change, it'll only get worse.
@missmarya747
@missmarya747 Год назад
Or not to be a habitual cheater, liar, or diminish it.
@blueskies6699
@blueskies6699 Год назад
Nope nope nope. If cheaters felt at all guilty they’d stop at the first kiss. They don’t. Most do it again and again and again. For normal non-cheaters this behaviour is incomprehensible. Cheaters don’t care bc they have no guilt receptors. Or love receptors for that matter
@EduardoMartinez-oz4ft
@EduardoMartinez-oz4ft 4 года назад
In my opinion this is a video that everyone no matter the generation, age, race, gender identity, political ideology; everyone.... Should watch.
@briansounalath
@briansounalath 4 года назад
What about non binary Reptilians?
@argemsalazar8122
@argemsalazar8122 3 года назад
no
@cgreen4395
@cgreen4395 3 года назад
This lady is bullshit
@krose420
@krose420 3 года назад
Eduardo Martinez probably because you’ve cheated
@smitajky
@smitajky 3 года назад
I agree. When she said that today it takes bravery to NOT condemn an affair that is the unfortunate truth. If between 25 and 75% of PEOPLE have had an affair it also means that there are between 7% to 50% of marriages in which one or other has NOT had an affair. Being able to understand it and to handle it would greatly reduce the suffering across the nation. Yet we are too stupid to see that so we doom ourselves to a needless misery.
@Joseph-xf2me
@Joseph-xf2me Год назад
This lady is very knowledgeable , it’s safer to get away from a cheater that has proven they will betray you .
@danyminaya2828
@danyminaya2828 Год назад
That's the opposite of what she said?
@archankumarmyana40
@archankumarmyana40 Год назад
@@danyminaya2828 she didn't recommend anything. She just gave us the knowledge so that we can make wise decisions which are good for us. At the end she just posed a question, "Are you ready to start a new one?". So the answer is upto us.
@SmileWorld441
@SmileWorld441 Год назад
@@archankumarmyana40 yes but the whole point of this talk was to give new perspectives that oppose the one described in the original comment
@SmileWorld441
@SmileWorld441 Год назад
@@lessknowledgeplease it seems like you are, I didn’t view like that and never said I agreed. Think about it 😉
@callanc3925
@callanc3925 Год назад
Frankly, you should end any relationship the moment any harmful or even pointless lie is caught. Things like "no you dont look fat in those pants" or planning a surprise party behind their back are exempt. But something seemingly insignificant like telling their friend they did the washing up when you know you did it, or that they went for a run when they actually slept in is a sign that they will lie about anything.
@vietnguyen3007
@vietnguyen3007 Год назад
This is still so powerful years after I first discovered this talk
@kierah16
@kierah16 6 лет назад
"Affairs in the digital age is death by a thousand cuts." 😧😦😥 So true.
@c.j.9248
@c.j.9248 5 лет назад
Keira Lewis I so totally agree with you Keira. That is how my wife had her 2-year emotional affair. And 3 years later after it was exposed, I again still do not have access to her email account or phone. Feel like I am being set up for another bout of heartache on the horizon.
@summerbreeze3358
@summerbreeze3358 5 лет назад
@@c.j.9248You likely will have to suffer another affair unless you demand full transparency and access to her accounts in return for continuing the marriage with her or else threaten with the divorce which she deserves. Secrecy is how she got into an affair the first time. She has to earn your full trust first but you have to be assertive and show her you can divorce her if she doesn't make the effort to do so.
@MichL_71
@MichL_71 5 лет назад
Nothing quite like that feeling of stumbling across the digital evidence. 😩
@leslieclarke7417
@leslieclarke7417 5 лет назад
a hit to the gut
@stephaniemwadime3329
@stephaniemwadime3329 5 лет назад
Right. I've never related to something so hard😩😩😩
@TheRABIDdude
@TheRABIDdude 4 года назад
12:21 Wow. Just brilliant! "It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self."
@guybonberry5252
@guybonberry5252 4 года назад
This comment of Esther's is so succinct
@Redfoxx4eva
@Redfoxx4eva 4 года назад
thats the nicest way to say broken people seek to comlplete themselves.
@TheRABIDdude
@TheRABIDdude 4 года назад
Ivan Ahumada Not necessarily even broken people. It can be people who are just bored with their life routine and dead-scared of aging.
@mlorpf
@mlorpf 4 года назад
@@Redfoxx4eva I think the vast majority of people feel unfulfilled in some way
@ianreed7605
@ianreed7605 3 года назад
I love this comment but it takes a bit of a monster to look for another self by destroying someone you allegedly love.
@teenajopataytay
@teenajopataytay Год назад
I wanted to try again after my husband cheated. He didn't. He also told me he thinks he'll likely end up dating the girl he cheated with, but wants to stay friends with me. Screw that. Is he hurt that I set a boundary and said no? Of course. But am I done living by his laws? Absolutely. I feel angry and heartbroken, of course, but I also feel liberated. I have no one to answer to any more, and this whole affair has shown me who my real friends are. I have fewer than I thought, but as many as I need, and I will get through this divorce.
@tanx125
@tanx125 10 месяцев назад
You did right. Actually im the cheater in mine i flirted with a classmate bcos i was influences that girls and boys who are friends do it as joke. But i realised that if i have to hide then its wrong. When he got to know i was actually more hurt than my bf. And its been 5 years and i still feel hurt that how can i make my love feel this way how did i end up disrespecting him. Tbh, your husband doesnt care abt you and you should never give him chance. Im telling tbis bcos honestly constant feeling regret helped mw grow and be better for him. Now even if be decides to leave ill be happy tbat atleast i tried to heal him
@user-yz7mw7gm7n
@user-yz7mw7gm7n 14 дней назад
Right on I went through it myself they never get better they get worse ❤
@inesalag
@inesalag 5 месяцев назад
how beautiful what she sais about looking for another self... "it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self"...
@geraldpolmateer3255
@geraldpolmateer3255 3 года назад
My wife and I have been married almost 40 years. I find her more attractive and desirable than ever. A lot of that happens because both of us have a strong desire to be better people.
@smitajky
@smitajky 3 года назад
@@reneekelley4279 If you had watched the whole video you can see that there is a lot more than meets the eye. It is a form of cowardice to simply accept the pressure of society.
@mylittlekittens
@mylittlekittens 2 года назад
Self improvement definitely makes a person more attractive.
@dadof3tngirls
@dadof3tngirls 2 года назад
@Jack Strawb good luck with that attitude.
@geraldpolmateer3255
@geraldpolmateer3255 2 года назад
@@smitajky the majority of people are followers and follow the crowd. Just look at how the politicians can stir up people for their self interest. Unless people have a wise standard they will follow anything. Most people want to be right rather than have a relationship. A lawyer friend of mine once told me he quit doing divorces because he believed 99% of the troubles people had in marriages could be helped if the couple were not focused on being right but rather on being humble and getting help.
@magenrader6725
@magenrader6725 2 года назад
That’s beautiful and you all are lucky to have each other. ❤️
@glittermeaway
@glittermeaway 4 года назад
“Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love” 👏🏻
@kbanghart
@kbanghart 4 года назад
Not really
@michaela3891
@michaela3891 3 года назад
That’s your takeaway... haha
@sophiawilson1934
@sophiawilson1934 3 года назад
Darinadler1 on Instagram carries out phone data retrieval passcode and password surveillance on infidelity
@buyimajola4245
@buyimajola4245 Год назад
I think what needs to be discussed more about this subject, is that you shouldn’t blame or question yourself when someone cheats on you. It is not your fault that someone made a decision on their own to lie, hide and manipulate the relationship to cheat. It’s not about you, it’s about them period.
@ExtremeObservations
@ExtremeObservations 10 месяцев назад
No, it is about you too though. As a couple you’ll both need to find a new dance. But you’re right in the sense that blame and blaming isn’t constructive in any way.
@kartmo
@kartmo 10 месяцев назад
​@@ExtremeObservations no, the only person guilty is the cheater.
@MZRTMusic254
@MZRTMusic254 9 месяцев назад
​@@kartmo if you're the type that people easily walk over or dismiss and you are betrayed then parr of it is your fault. But if you just happened to commit to a narcissist who just does it not because you weren't enough, not because you weren't doing enough but simply because he/she can then none of it is your fault. Like when you divert most of your salary to alcohol to the problem it becomes an issue that's crippling your home and so in response to that your wife secretly starts seeing someone else. I'm not saying you deserve it or that it was okay or right, you had it coming. Part of that is your fault because you brought in willingly inadequacies and your wife responded to that by looking for someone better than you were at that time to take care of her and her needs.
@addiecoelman1996
@addiecoelman1996 9 месяцев назад
​@@MZRTMusic254don't give advice, you're terrible at it. What an ignorant comment
@kayladonnrichardson7384
@kayladonnrichardson7384 7 месяцев назад
Every relationship has 2 parties, and each one contributes to the dynamic. Any good therapist will tell the cheated-on to look inward to see their part in the outcome.
@kimt8162
@kimt8162 Год назад
My parents were both the one and only for each other; the key: they waited until they knew they had the "one>". She's right; they often were homebodies, yes; they argued and all that. They liked to hang out with each other; they supported each other. If you are happy with your home and see what you have at home as "the one". Even if you are out and someone flirts with you, you won't take it seriously and won't let it become anything. The internet is a problem; people think they have all these options out there.
@marieegan3451
@marieegan3451 Год назад
I kind of agree. I came from a smaller town and from a slightly different time where being married was the thing you needed to do once you graduated high school. I resisted doing so, or I would have been divorced. Many women I went to school with married the first person that asked them, because they were in love with the idea of marriage and children, ignoring the fact that the guy was really a bad fit for them personally, with a lot of red flags. Many had parents that stayed married out of obligation and not love, and they accepted that they might need to as well. But we live longer lives, and societal norms are shifting. Many of these women ended up single Moms, looking for another man to help support them and their children when their horrible marriage blew up. No person is a perfect fit, but waiting and opting for someone who is a better fit for a partner, is definitely more acceptable these days. And never forgetting that marriage is work and appreciating and acknowledging your spouse goes a long way to keeping them happy and by your side.
@greencoolmoss
@greencoolmoss 3 года назад
Damn you really need to re-listen to everything she says like 3 times before internalizing it. So much depth
@mattjacob5234
@mattjacob5234 3 года назад
In need of any hacking or you need to anonymously spy on your cheating boyfriend/girlfriend dm @hack_a_ton on Instagram He works on any type of hack(all social media, PayPal, Bitcoin, credit cards, mobile cell hacks and so many more). He helped hack my girlfriend’s account, he’s reliable and charges way less
@kcx2678
@kcx2678 2 года назад
“When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner we are turning away from but the person that we ourselves have become.”
@citizenfour9622
@citizenfour9622 2 года назад
“Oh well” is right. Leave that nonsense in the past! Let it go. Now you have a spouse and you’ve made a solemn vow to give yourself whole to them. Focus on the path you’re on together NOW, not “could be” fantasies of elsewhere!
@ceridonohana2985
@ceridonohana2985 2 года назад
I think people have forgotten to take responsibility for themselves. If the reason for the affair is a response to the person they have become, that's within themselves to change that. We all have autonomy of our lives. If we don't like the person we have become,, or position we are at in life, change it! I tell my kids they decide what kind of a person they want to be. Be a better person and fix yourself.
@davidretondo2871
@davidretondo2871 2 года назад
Bible speaks
@davidretondo2871
@davidretondo2871 2 года назад
@@citizenfour9622 your right on. Can you imagine where we're going! Excuses are now available for debauchery! Check morality
@carlosonliones202
@carlosonliones202 2 года назад
@@davidretondo2871 ...and, so....whatever...
@marclegarreta3359
@marclegarreta3359 9 месяцев назад
This made me cry. As a person who is so afraid of abandonment and rejection, it makes me less afraid to love.
@VIPIN4528
@VIPIN4528 9 месяцев назад
Chilllllll man just make urself strong enough that when any rejection or cheating event happens to u tt affects your career/money life least Figure out ur own way before it's too late coz it's sure we all get rejected and cheated in most cases and humans are not like before anymore
@Nailnuke
@Nailnuke Год назад
It's my experience that trying to make things work after the pain of infidelity is a mugs game. After 30 years I still feel the same, I remember every sordid moment of what was done to me (twice), I should have moved on but I stayed because of the kids, now I stay because of the grandchildren. There is no love. My advice to anyone is to make the break as fast as you can, the sooner they are gone from your life, the sooner you'll start to mend. adulterers don't change, they don't deserve forgiveness.
@marinpecheur9128
@marinpecheur9128 8 месяцев назад
Your comment makes me sad for you...
@mel2936
@mel2936 6 месяцев назад
I don’t know how your life is now. But just no it’s never too late to leave. Don’t live your life for other not your kids,grandkids,friends, no one. Live life the way you want to even if it disrupts the peace. I say not being who you are and not choosing yourself is the biggest betrayal. I say you can still leave. I hope the beat for you💗
@lolaizajazzmin
@lolaizajazzmin 2 месяца назад
I don't even know if the word is whether they deserve forgiveness or not I'm not sure either even matters whether they're sorry for it or not you have to take care of you and all I can say is I am a person who has an extremely faithful personality, and I despise despise adultery, despise and faithfulness And it happened to me I guess where my husband was cheating and I gave him six months to change and he didn't and I'm glad I left him never been sorry about leaving him actually did me some good I totally laugh about it now and I'm so glad I stayed firm. It would've been a mistaketo allow him to come back into my life and yes, the children did suffer. They would've suffered whether we were together or whether we were apart his actions were horrid.
@evanssabbi
@evanssabbi 3 года назад
" the kiss that you imagine giving can be as powerful and enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking"..... that was powerful. Thank you for that Esther.
@evanssabbi
@evanssabbi 3 года назад
@@stevearcher6100 anyone who is in touch with their emotional selves can relate to that. Truly being in touch with one’s emotions isn’t just reserved for the ladies alone. It does take a man who is secure in his masculinity to travel to that depth.
@Avidjupiter
@Avidjupiter 3 года назад
@@stevearcher6100 You lack perspective.
@johnorr6697
@johnorr6697 3 года назад
That statement has the absolute truth at it's core. The mind is forever young !
@citizenfour9622
@citizenfour9622 2 года назад
*Translation:* “Live in the fantasies in your head rather the reality before you.” That’s bad advice all around. This New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise! 🤦‍♂️🙄
@JohnWaaland
@JohnWaaland 2 года назад
Citizen Four: Seems like most of us have fantasies or dreams and "tapping into our emotional selves" part of the time and other times we relate to the physical world. I was trying to unravel what you said, "New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise"?
@sumitsinghthakur2930
@sumitsinghthakur2930 6 лет назад
Basically, if you're bored in a relationship, you don't need an affair, you need a hobby.
@gcmusictchr
@gcmusictchr 5 лет назад
@AmarNathan - What is "love" to you? What is a relationship to you? Perhaps you are not embracing the whole person in your "relationship." In that case, it would be easy to understand how you so easily get bored. A relationship takes time to build, and it should get better and go deeper with time, if you have chosen a person with whom you are well-matched. If you choose a person that you have little in common with, then you will get bored because there is nothing to build on.
@FathomFrequency
@FathomFrequency 5 лет назад
@AmarNathan maybe its an age factor. Women over 30 tend to have a better handle on their worldview. Maybe they are projecting to much on you idealisically...Or if you are simply oblivious- you could be amused by taking off on someone and bewildered by their confusion and loneliness. You got to set some boundaries for yourself and be explicit with them.
@mommabear5059
@mommabear5059 5 лет назад
AmarNathan personally, I don’t find anything wrong with that......IF!!! you are honest up front and let them know that’s how you are and that’s all you want. Believe me, there are women who don’t want the entanglement of an honest commitment too. But if you aren’t honest up front, you’re nothing but a scoundrel.
@kits1111
@kits1111 5 лет назад
Yes, but people look for easy n cheap tactics...rather than putting efforts in themselves.
@porridge57
@porridge57 5 лет назад
AmarNathan You are exactly right! Look at what these people are saying to you. Be with one girl. Don't want other girls. If you cheat, you are breaking their trust, betraying them, crushing their dreams, being a scoundrel, causing the end of civilization basically. Jeez, no pressure...just live up to our expectations of you. And ignore your intensely powerful natural, biological drives. You are actually the only one being honest with him/herself here. I guarantee you some of these people scolding you have cheated or would love to. It's is an extremely powerful drive.
@simoneisabelleortega645
@simoneisabelleortega645 Год назад
Wow. Deep insight. It's difficult to acknowledge all aspects of an affair when you are the victim/perpetrator but this one conversation was instantly life-changing. Funny, sad and inspiring. Thank you!
@ProletariatPrince
@ProletariatPrince 7 лет назад
"Who's children are these and who gets the cows when I die." The vast majority of the history of humanity summed up in a single statment. I like it.
@ProletariatPrince
@ProletariatPrince 7 лет назад
Hmm who's or whoose?
@Loftur1172
@Loftur1172 5 лет назад
Princess Ameatia it's whose :). In order to know for next time, expand the 'who's' contraction and see if the sentence sounds right. "Who is children are these...?" Versus "Whose children are these...?" I hope this helps!
@Treebard
@Treebard 5 лет назад
Great comment! (Do not care about your grammar lol.)
@kwamebushman606
@kwamebushman606 5 лет назад
Princess Ameatia ...yet it will still go over plenty of heads
@foxdragoon84
@foxdragoon84 5 лет назад
Civilization, not humanity.
@GurraGo
@GurraGo Год назад
12:30 "It isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self." Wow - strong words! Very accurate.
@ENFPerspectives
@ENFPerspectives Год назад
Which you can find practicing self improvement and without an affair
@christinaleesarson3041
@christinaleesarson3041 Год назад
Right on. I caught my ex husband looking for another self. I thought it was a great idea, so I started looking for another him too! But at least I had the grace to get a divorce first. Byeeeeeeee!
@-jq8gt
@-jq8gt Год назад
@@sergiu.leustean Harder said than done? Well then guess what? You're not ready for a relationship. So don't get into a relationship until you've sorted yourself out.
@-jq8gt
@-jq8gt Год назад
@@sergiu.leustean "When you try to change yourself being in a relationship comments like "This is not you" / "Why are you fake now" etc will pop from the other person, which will make it very frustrating for the person who wants to change / live different even if they consider to do that what the current partner. A relationship of "A person" with a specific individual will establish some stronger patterns of behaviour and some weaker patterns of behaviour compared with a relationship with another person which has different type of personality and which, through the new created dynamic with her/him, the "A person" will adapt / manifest different types of traits." This is utter gibberish. When you've got the English language sorted out, come back for a polite chat.
@LH62579
@LH62579 Год назад
​@@sergiu.leustean But can't you just discover yourself and change yourself by making new friends then? Or trying new activities with your partner. Travel to different places, experience different things, meet different people, read different books, listen to different perspectives. There's numerous ways to practice self improvement and change. It doesn't have to be within the context of an affair.
@clairecakes9860
@clairecakes9860 Год назад
I once Read that the secret to a lasting marriage is perfect acceptance of an imperfect person. Now I don’t think that people can’t change for the better or that you should stay in an abusive relationship. But I do think that acceptance of the whole person even if they are not “the best” for the will of commitment is a valuable and loving thing.
@monicastanley0422
@monicastanley0422 Год назад
Agreed. Great points.
@bowekurowski5320
@bowekurowski5320 8 месяцев назад
So I have mixed emotions about this. I've been on both sides of the fence, and I completely understand that in a relationship, nothing happens in a vacuum. Esther Perel's comment about how the victim of adultery often is not the same as the victim of the relationship is really on point. The odd thing was, when I was on the receiving end of adultery and cheating, I kept waiting to feel terrible... that I wasn't enough, that I should be angry... it never came. What did come was issues with trusting her for sure, but I never was angry and it never made me question my own self worth. It made me question what type of relationship we want to have, was the fairytale version of "marriage" and "love" portrayed by Hollywood even possible? Can one person be everything? Even if they could, should they be? It allowed me to really analyze our relationship, have some super open conversations putting our feelings on the table, and then gave use the opportunity to design the relationship we wanted to have. One of the biggest pieces of advice someone gave me about marriage is... lower your expectations and when people show you who they are, believe them. Stop trying to make an introvert an extrovert, or trying to convert someone who hates musicals into a fan. Let them be who they are and decide if there's enough there to hitch your wagon together.
@annafabian8281
@annafabian8281 3 месяца назад
❤ Nailed it!
@andreisoloviev7011
@andreisoloviev7011 3 месяца назад
Thank you for your comment. There is some very good advise here.
@melbee4848
@melbee4848 3 месяца назад
Thank you for this!!! I’m sitting here analyzing how I feel and I don’t feel worthless or ugly or not good enough. I do t have those feelings and reading your comment reinforced that it’s normal and ok. I love myself and know I’m fantastic and worthy. My partner made his own choices. He doesn’t know I know and I’m trying to figure out if I want to say anything or just let it be. I know why he did it even though I don’t agree. Ty
@bowekurowski5320
@bowekurowski5320 3 месяца назад
@@melbee4848 Glad it helped a little! I'm the kind of guy that believe people are gonna do what they're gonna do. I don't own her and she doesn't own me... but we do owe each other honesty if we're deciding to be in an intimate relationship. At least we know what we're working with at that point, and can make appropriate decisions or redefine the relationship, rather than setting up a win/loss relationship. Wishing you all the best, but it sounds like you're already very secure in yourself which is a great place to be! Kudos to you!
@defaultgraycat
@defaultgraycat 3 месяца назад
That's a lot of words just to say you're a cuck.
@nadiaduarte7160
@nadiaduarte7160 7 лет назад
Amazing insight. It seems we really need to continually work on ourselves rather than look to our partner to meet all of our needs.
@letsgetcancer7265
@letsgetcancer7265 6 лет назад
Nadia Duarte, well said. You are a wise person.
@tonystone3397
@tonystone3397 5 лет назад
Love would demand that you put your partners needs before you even thought of your own wants and needs.
@sabelomgaga5879
@sabelomgaga5879 2 года назад
"What if there are certain things that even a good relarionship can never provide" Got me thinking hard!
@geraldchan7395
@geraldchan7395 Год назад
An incredibly articulate talk. So full of conviction
@YTFangirlJ
@YTFangirlJ Год назад
This is seriously one of the BEST TED Talk. Thank you Esther.
@BaebiDoll
@BaebiDoll 2 года назад
09:43-10:10 this is well said 10:50 crossing the line 12:32 looking for other 'self' not person 13:40 affair is desire machine 16:01 new disorder that leads to new order 18:18 investigative questions instead of painful 20:26 dual perspective of infidelity/ affair
@pivot197
@pivot197 5 лет назад
Communication is the #1 problem in most relationships. If you cheat on me I’m out. I relay that from the very beginning of the relationship. Now, if you tell me you are thinking about cheating because of XYZ...I will be hurt, but will appreciate the honesty. My goal is to work on resolving XYZ in order to strengthen the relationship. All you have is trust. Too many relationships die because of a thousand tiny cuts that lead to resentment, anger, and infidelity. In many relationships the silence of everything that was not said is deafening. Always stand up for yourself in a relationships and make sure your partner accepts who you are. Communicate constantly.
@carlagualtieri407
@carlagualtieri407 4 года назад
Wish I did this
@spruceguitar
@spruceguitar 4 года назад
You say “If you cheat on me I’m out” but you also say you’ll be grateful if she tells u she is thinking about X Y Z. You many not agree but let me lay it on you: and It depends how much time you have (if you are 85 it may not be your thing...) If you realize the importance of transcending your jealousy, and if you accept that you may both love another person and accept that, you may change your views. Open relationships are in the cards for the next century.. But to be willing to roll along one must understand what you get out of this: transcending your jealousy is a Big Thing. (Obviously not in the form of cheating - it requires work and constant communication). The partner knows when one is interested in someone and supports their loved one. Also: it’s not for everyone... But if you understand its importance I recommend you don’t miss this opportunity. PS: Finally I’m aware that this comment can attract a lot of hate and strong feelings. But I won’t stop saying it: jealousy is a pest and has to be eradicated. PPS: A child in shared custody doesn’t suffer because their dad also loves someone else. They suffer because their dad does not love their mom anymore and vice versa... If their parent truly loved the other parent and also loved someone else the child would be happy.
@vkrgfan
@vkrgfan 2 года назад
Don’t try to recruit monogamous folks into your polyamorous web if lies. To be honest even polyamorous community does not condone cheating. If you want to live such lifestyle you have to be a part of poly community.
@tarasierralee
@tarasierralee Год назад
@@spruceguitar Jealousy is not a "pest". It is a very natural, very valid and virtually universal emotion. Brené Brown defines and describes it beautifully. "Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have." It goes far beyond romantic relationships and is more of a "cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness, and/or fear." "In small doses and expressed appropriately, it's a normal part of HEALTHY relationships." Not feeling jealousy WHEN IT IS WARRANTED (or pretending not to feel jealousy) gives the message of indifference to the potential loss of a relationship.
@setkreyol1970
@setkreyol1970 Год назад
Well said!
@MvrckOkie007
@MvrckOkie007 Год назад
Understanding why people do it…good analysis. What this talk lacks is any emphasis on accountability for the betrayer.
@anoushkayadav5545
@anoushkayadav5545 10 месяцев назад
"The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage" that stuck hard w me.
@Colors5873
@Colors5873 10 месяцев назад
Eye-opener
@lornocford6482
@lornocford6482 3 года назад
Infidelity is a betrayal to the children too and they have no say in the re-building of the relationship. Few parents actually acknowledge what their children go through.
@bansheeebeatz
@bansheeebeatz 3 года назад
Why do you feel that it is a betrayal to children?
@yve4889
@yve4889 2 года назад
@@bansheeebeatz because children grow up to believe their parents are madly in love and that nothing could break them apart. So when this perfect - or at least peaceful- picture of their family is torn, it really takes a toll on them. Deep down, no matter what, no child likes to see their parents separate or hurt each other in any way. Not to mention that through and after divorce, the kids will have to be separated from one parent and just keep being thrown back and forth between the two until they are old enough to make that decision or live by themselves. And what about their mental health? It's not going to be any better.
@stutim3987
@stutim3987 2 года назад
True
@LSSYLondon
@LSSYLondon 2 года назад
@@yve4889 Wrong. I don't know any kids that grew up thinking their parents were madly in love... that's a fallacy. Children catch on to the true behavior of parents very very early (around age 5 usually).
@minhthutrinhngoc5171
@minhthutrinhngoc5171 2 года назад
@@LSSYLondon You sound like someone who haven't had kids yourself, if not, you're not understanding your children well enough. My parents has always been fighting since I was very young, but I've always gripped onto the image that everything would be fine, and I could be like the other kids. My father's affairs have affected both our family and me personally severely, it has robbed me of the ability to trust or commit to a relationship. Even though children can catch onto the behaviors of their parents early (which is quite unfortunate, no children should grow up that fast), the hurt and the damage of an affair will always be guaranteed.
@B501M
@B501M 3 года назад
She's like.. glowing.. with her knowledge and intellect. Wow.
@yve4889
@yve4889 2 года назад
One of the few women who's education is actually shining through in a mesmerizing way.
@sugarcandy654
@sugarcandy654 2 года назад
@Chris Canavan II awww looks like someone’s jealous of a woman, little baby man
@pauladoyle9355
@pauladoyle9355 Год назад
Excellent!! An affair comes about as a “perfect storm”. occurring when you least expect it. We have the power to refuse and make our own decisions for our life journey.
@vanessamaillart7208
@vanessamaillart7208 Год назад
Love the subtle way she discusses cheating! Very smart analysis!
@margovalencia10
@margovalencia10 2 года назад
The love for yourself has to be stronger then the desire to be loved by someone else . Make sure your showing up for you first 🥇
@zufex2029
@zufex2029 2 года назад
In other words: Don't care about your partner, just cheat if you feel like it.
@peaknonsense2041
@peaknonsense2041 2 года назад
Showing up for you first makes love for another impossible. Love is not an emotion. It's an action; sacrifice of self interest to another. Self love is new age woo woo speak for narcissism.
@peaknonsense2041
@peaknonsense2041 2 года назад
@@zufex2029 Pretty much. Self love is just narcissism under different terminology. Love isn't a feeling. It's an action. There can be no love where there is no sacrifice. All these faux spiritualists give ridiculous advice.
@margovalencia10
@margovalencia10 2 года назад
@@peaknonsense2041 what good are u for someone if you can't even be good for yourself ?
@margovalencia10
@margovalencia10 2 года назад
@@peaknonsense2041 love is a thought then a feeling then a action . Trinity is a real thing
@MissHannah2036
@MissHannah2036 5 лет назад
Some people cheat, using it as a stepping stone out of the relationship rather than being open, honest and brave enough to say they’re not happy in the relationship, that things are irreconcilable
@jblove2322
@jblove2322 5 лет назад
Part of the responsibility of being married is discussing when you are falling out of love. People tend to keep that to themselves, try to fix it on their own and then leave when it fails. But a relationship is a team sport, both partners have to work on the problems together.
@MissHannah2036
@MissHannah2036 5 лет назад
an acquaintance's husband did this....he didn't want counselling, he didn't even want to try. He was already seeing someone from the gym, the wife was blind sided she had no idea there was a problem in the marriage. People need to grow some balls and be honest with themselves. Three kids involved as well.
@SDG-pm8pn
@SDG-pm8pn 5 лет назад
@@MissHannah2036 So sorry for your friend.
@SweetGirl-xd1oc
@SweetGirl-xd1oc 5 лет назад
Husband cheated yet wondered why im not the same person i was before...it will never be the same even if we forgave
@sheriefkhandalwai9347
@sheriefkhandalwai9347 5 лет назад
MissHannah2036 Cheating does not mean that you are unhappy
@wl4006
@wl4006 2 месяца назад
Incredible delivery. So many perspectives Esther has spoken about that we could think about and learn from. Completely unjudgemental and very relatable. Thank you Esther for sharing such powerful insights. Always quick to blame, as victim of affair, than to reflect and ponder the fundamentals/ meaning of the supposed affair.
@leopren
@leopren 2 месяца назад
nahhh, this is just mental gimnastics to justify being a a**hole
@amorepsyche808
@amorepsyche808 Год назад
Affairs will kill trust.. without trust there is no relationship be it romantic/ business/ friendship/ ect. Integrity should be the core of any relationship
@Rumdreg
@Rumdreg 8 лет назад
Cheating is just an expression of impulsiveness. A yearning for instant gratification instead of talking and working on the actual relationship. This is accentuated by the modern society that provides quick and ever- available pleasure.
@DSBrekus
@DSBrekus 8 лет назад
Rum Dreg Your over simplification is ironically a prime example of instant gratification. People like simple answers but the truth is complicated because reality is complicated.
@DSBrekus
@DSBrekus 8 лет назад
Rum Dreg There's no reason to take things so personally. "Cheating is just an expression of impulsiveness." This is what you said, you stated that's all cheating is, impulsiveness. And I pointed out that's an over simplification. If you had said something like "sometimes cheating is..." or "one aspect of cheating is..." then fine it would indicate you aren't making any big general claim but you simply boiled cheating down to one thing. I don't know anything about what you think about this subject and I never claimed to. I just replied to your comment as it is.
@kalif3000
@kalif3000 8 лет назад
Rum Dreg I agree. It is really sad that some people can't seem to reflect on themselves and realize that.
@xsp53x
@xsp53x 8 лет назад
Burgled annnd Burgled takes the lead again...
@Arjuno
@Arjuno 8 лет назад
Burgled So bang on that my couch shook. Rum Dreg You think she hasn't thought this through???
@charlessands7649
@charlessands7649 4 года назад
“Your first marriage is over”. There is something so frighteningly freeing about that.
@BlueSkyHypnosis
@BlueSkyHypnosis 5 месяцев назад
Crisis = Opportunity. Esther is so helpful in explaining how after infidelity, the old relationship is over. Either the partners split or they begin a new relationship by healing the wounds created by the affair which can ultimately be better than the old relationship.
@baronhelmut2701
@baronhelmut2701 2 месяца назад
There is no new relationship. And there should never be. A person who cheats never had enough brain matter to stay interested eventhough things arent novel and forbidden anymore.
@BlueSkyHypnosis
@BlueSkyHypnosis 2 месяца назад
Well certainly for you this is a no go under any circumstances. There are others however who've been able to use the infidelity as a catalyst for personal and couple change and growth. Their individual lives and their relationship have actually improved as the result of the crisis.@@baronhelmut2701
@leopren
@leopren 2 месяца назад
After cheating there is no Trust, the biggest fundament of any relationship, so NEVER can be better than the old relationship.
@verajaynepalmer
@verajaynepalmer 20 дней назад
Helpful to who, cheaters? I personally don't like 💩 sandwiches.
@michaelconnor9578
@michaelconnor9578 Год назад
Every relationship I've ever been in, I've been cheated on. It has always left me thinking that the problem is with me & as much as I'd like to have someone in my life to build with, it just doesn't appear to be in the cards for me. I just can't stay with anyone I can't trust. To date, that means my standards are too high & I'll probably die alone. Infidelity sucks 😞
@daniellesilva3433
@daniellesilva3433 Год назад
You are deserving of much better, and you will find it. Create that self worth for You, and it will come. Sending you love and compassion for what you have been through ❤
@tamarbatyah7
@tamarbatyah7 3 месяца назад
Replace "cheat" with "hit". Still your fault?
@vasdgod
@vasdgod 3 года назад
"Monogamy used to be one person in life, today monogamy is one person at a time" nice one
@MsPerfume25
@MsPerfume25 3 года назад
Lol
@devilsoffspring5519
@devilsoffspring5519 3 года назад
Monogamy IS, by definition, one person at a time. It could be only one person for life, or you could be with a number of people, but if you don't sleep with someone else when you're with a given person, then by definition you're monogamous. Some people get married, or form an exclusive partnership with another, and the other person dies. After that, they find someone else. If they don't shag anyone other than their current partners, then they're monogamous.
@sunflare8798
@sunflare8798 3 года назад
@@devilsoffspring5519 what you are describing is serial monogamy, which is a form of polygamy. Monogamy means one partner for life. If we accept your definition then even a prostitute can be classified as monogamous if she goes with one client at a time, which obviously doesn't make any sense. Don't mistake the concept with the application.
@Drmetalman1
@Drmetalman1 3 года назад
@@devilsoffspring5519 a cheater probably changed the original one person for life definition to incorporate their own actions haha j/k
@stevedemoe5755
@stevedemoe5755 3 года назад
It's what we call serial monogamy
@hummingbyrde
@hummingbyrde 2 года назад
I have listened to this speech a dozen time. Each time I hear something new I didn’t hear before. This woman is brilliant and her insight so helpful
@kiranmahilange9
@kiranmahilange9 2 года назад
I hope you recover from whatever made you listen to this again and again. Hope you found the closer.
@lucymandarin2420
@lucymandarin2420 2 года назад
She really is... Her work is amazing. 🙂
@skillustrates
@skillustrates 2 года назад
@@kiranmahilange9 You might have thought heads was tails there- maybe OP is the one straying.
@user-ej3iw8lw3w
@user-ej3iw8lw3w Год назад
the poor sap you cheated on also heard something he hadn't heard before. the creaking of his bed with an interloper using it
@angelanowak5448
@angelanowak5448 Год назад
Yes, on the surface. She isn’t French, but she sure does think like French. She completely leaves out morals snd a Moral giver who alone can fix the damaged people. It’s a huge miss!
@melb8416
@melb8416 Год назад
This woman is wise beyond ages and a powerful speaker
@richardbramwell8876
@richardbramwell8876 Год назад
A sensible man can handle not being fully loved (adored) by the woman he loves but not being disrespected.
@zejaguar
@zejaguar Год назад
🍻
@johnfairchild3421
@johnfairchild3421 Год назад
Respected. A MAN. Earns it everyday he goes to Work. When it s Hot. When it s Cold& Rainy. When you Love Her. When you Love your children. When you do everything right and then that is not even enough. After 13 years I left walking hutch hiking 2,000 miles to get AWAY. Started a new Life. Wanted her back. Called her young duck answered. So I finally Tore up Her picture 36 years ago we haven’t talked at All. I live. Hate her. I never. Remarried. Why. DisRespect. She was A Cocaine addict. I really didn’t know she hid it and her parents hid it and everybody hid it from me. WHY. What did I do to get that it what did my children do. Oh I found out. Her very own family Sexaully Abused Her when she was a kid. She never had a. Oragasm with me for over two years the first time she Did I asked her what happened and she told me I thought to myself. All those times I wasn’t pleasing her. I was pleasing myself. In 13 years I pleased her a couple of times. But I always told her I loved her and I did love her. But she loved cocaine more than me or her very own kids
@NoTaboos
@NoTaboos Год назад
What rubbish.
@johnfairchild3421
@johnfairchild3421 Год назад
I agree with that. My ex. Girlfriend done 20 years in navy. And I had been in Live with her for years and years but when she disrespected ME. Three times I told her to never ever call me again. Even though it really hurt and I mean hurt as long as she has known me she basically called me a liar. Okay I served my country just like her. I never ever disrespected her. End of it I loved this women. 45 years that’s a long time
@Letitgo1975
@Letitgo1975 Год назад
Respected? Is there a wife who respects her husband???
@mihailung1720
@mihailung1720 8 лет назад
I can't imagine this speech being given in any accent other than French.
@arabifatah
@arabifatah 8 лет назад
true
@samr1321
@samr1321 8 лет назад
and I can't imagine those words come out of anyone other than a French.
@Suessnase
@Suessnase 8 лет назад
+Sebastian Anderson she is from Belgium :-)
@Snappldel
@Snappldel 8 лет назад
Isn't it Russian?
@jburckhardt
@jburckhardt 8 лет назад
+Sebastian Anderson OMG, I love her accent
@MERKAMGCLK
@MERKAMGCLK 3 года назад
Everyone is tempted. Character is how you respond to that temptation. It is a moral choice based in honor.
@aletagoodwin6119
@aletagoodwin6119 3 года назад
Exactly!
@kathyhansen2820
@kathyhansen2820 3 года назад
yup
@13kimosabi13
@13kimosabi13 3 года назад
Since EVERYONE choses to SIN => everyone is morally flawed and their character is not of the integrity/righteousness that anyone else should emulate them, correct ? WE ARE ALL W/O HONOR, correct ? Even YOU, right ?
@MERKAMGCLK
@MERKAMGCLK 3 года назад
@@13kimosabi13 you assume the worst in everyone. Again sin is a choice. You can choose not to sin and live a life of honor and integrity. Doing the right thing is usually the harder choice. To sin is easy.
@13kimosabi13
@13kimosabi13 3 года назад
@@MERKAMGCLK What you believe, if you truly believe it => is a LIE ! Not only is doing the right thing hard to do => it's impossible. Sure => all of us can do some things that seem right (to the rest) and some of us can do a lot of things that the group would be impressed with.......but not GOD ==> HE EXPECTS A MUCH HIGHER STANDARD => HE EXPECTS YOU TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE EVERY TIME ==> and you fall way short of HIS EXPECTATION. Please stop lying to yourself that you CAN and that YOU WILLFULLY DECIDE TO DO THE RIGHT THING ALL OF THE TIME. I have to call BS. And you need to hear that......because you've managed to deceive yourself. WAKE UP ! YOUR HONOR AND INTEGRITY ARE FILTHY RAGS TO GOD. Read Romans 3:23.
@davidgoz8219
@davidgoz8219 4 месяца назад
Excellent!! Any couple that gets an opportunity to work with her is truly blessed. 🙏. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of us.
@ladyliz9981
@ladyliz9981 Год назад
Infidelity/cheating is in my opinion a lack of self control. It’s so sad to even imagine the pain that this could cause. What we don’t talk about is the very unfortunate situations that come from infidelity, like giving your partner and incurable STD or a baby being born. There is no excuse and I feel for anyone that has gone through it.
@aloalo3727
@aloalo3727 Год назад
Murder my broken heart
@ladyliz9981
@ladyliz9981 Год назад
@@aloalo3727 🥺
@Broken_healing9908
@Broken_healing9908 Год назад
Would you say habitual drug use by the non-cheating spouse (prior to the infidelity) is a lack of self control? There are many underlying causes that would lead a person to infidelity, which some were touched upon in the video by the therapist who has years worth of data to back her theory. Sure, a lack of self control could be one of the causes, but everyone’s experience is unique and nuanced.
@christophermichael5764
@christophermichael5764 Год назад
@@Broken_healing9908 This is the comment that I was looking for. Infidelity sucks, but for many, its the lesser of two evils. "Should I stay faithful to a spouse that has no desire whatsoever, or can I fulfill the most natural form of human connection (outside of marriage) and lose everything that I worked for through my entire life?" What an awful existence.
@callanc3925
@callanc3925 Год назад
@@Broken_healing9908 Yes habitual drug use is lack of self control as well. That doesnt excuse cheating, especially when its easier to leave a marriage than ever
@newtonianromance
@newtonianromance 6 лет назад
That is truly brilliant..."your first marriage is over...do you want to create a second one". Both encapsulating the devestating impact of the betrayal, but offering a Ray of hope.
@anubis8680
@anubis8680 5 лет назад
newtonianromance Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.
@stanlucian4282
@stanlucian4282 5 лет назад
Sure i want to create a second one ....obviously not with the same woman, but :) with a woman that does not cheat
@mdogruc
@mdogruc 5 лет назад
No way with the same person.. It may never be forgotten.. The incident will always remain in the middle of the room like a stinky mass
@bt7846
@bt7846 5 лет назад
@@anubis8680 Said Albert Einstein.
@MiraiMemento
@MiraiMemento 5 лет назад
Dan Kennedy Agreed, cheating is mentally scarring. Funny enough no one gives a woman, who has been assaulted by her boyfriend/husband, advice to reconsider staying in a relationship with him. Somehow a deeper explanation of why someone did something wrong is reason to consider staying with that individual. I get that no one's perfect but it doesn't take a perfect person to honor being commited to your significant other. I'm all for self improvement and introspection, but staying in a relationship where someone has done something as devastating as cheat will lead to more suffering.
@carlakyle
@carlakyle 4 года назад
“Your first marriage is over, do you like to create a second one together...?” Let’s talk about ending lecture with a high key!
@lwc41
@lwc41 4 года назад
That quote has become the motto of my relashionship, let go of trting tonhet what tou once had and let's create something new!!
@kathy2888
@kathy2888 4 года назад
Do she mean with the same person?
@Dream-Me
@Dream-Me 3 года назад
@@kathy2888 yes with the same person
@Dream-Me
@Dream-Me 3 года назад
@A loud Italian shh
@chandrashekharhinge5225
@chandrashekharhinge5225 3 года назад
Big "No", Once milk becomes curd, it won't become milk again...
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