Struggling with constant thoughts about your partner's past? Read/listen/watch dozens of retroactive jealousy success stories, and learn more about my online course/private community at www.retroactivejealousy.com/course-open/
One thing is for sure they were not crying while having sex. It is exactly gone the way we all think. Ur method is worng And ancestors were right in control of women's lives they knew what would destroy men mentally . We are fucked up 😢
This is a life saver for me. Had no idea it had a name. I’m a Soldier, and have experienced some hard things. None of it ever ate me up as bad as my wife’s past. It tore me up. I thought I was alone in this. I felt trapped. You have helped me in a way that is hard to describe. This is beatable now. I’m not crazy. I was just stuck in a mind trap of my own design. Thank you so much. You have help save my marriage from potential disaster.
I feel you man. My gf is my first ever gf and i love her very much. Is just the thought of her past with her ex made me sick. The curiosity kills the cat. When i know i wasnt the first to have that intimate moment with her, it feels like only me that feel special because its my first while shes been doing this for fun. This is toxic, thats why im here to seek help before i start ruining my relationship. I love her very much
@@ssstuart0039 yes I used the course and still occasionally revisit parts. It was very useful. Particularly useful areas was the determination to break out of this false reality in my mind (getting out of my own head) and also understanding that memory rarely provides an accurate picture of reality. Also, the mental exercises, and decision to not entertain unhelpful or unhealthy thoughts and impulses was also very helpful. RJOCD has lost almost all its power over me because of all this, and I’m thankful. When it does surface occasionally, I know what it is, how to combat it, and how to take control. You can do it too!
@@CrayZtwin1 dude thanks a lot for taking the time to reply.. I think i am going to get the course. Living with this can be hell, as you well know, its encouraging to hear that this this bullshit is beatable. Thanks a lot bro. wishing you the best
This is my first relationship and I love my girlfriend so much. But whenever I remember that his ex (the only one) used her only for sexual activity, I can't stand it. And when talking about sex my gf tells me what are the things that turn her on I can't deal with it, because I think that she is rememembering her experiences with that guy (for example she told me that she reaches the point faster if I go down, which I haven't done yet, so immediately my mind creates an image of her getting eaten up with another guy). I just can't get it over
@@diegorosales7527 idk, I guess having sex frequently has helped me a little bit, but sometimes I still think about it. She hasn't told me anything more that turns her on since I have done pretty much everything with her at this point. Her telling me that I'm really good at it also helps me but it would be awesome if she told me that I'm better than her ex, because I can think the ex was better and that is terrible. I liked it too when she told me that they didn't have much sex since she didn't let him use her.
I gave up on love. I can't change even after going to therapy. And the fact I'm getting older it makes me not even consider dating anyone just from the fact that its almost guaranteed they have a past. So I guess some of us aren't fit to love.
I'm only 25 but I'm not going to lie to you I've been dealing with retroactive jealousy since the beginning of high school. It has ruined relationships for me. Stunted the hell out of my intimate relationships and has truly tormented me. I saw therapy but also in the process began experimenting with different pharmaceutical prescriptions that a psychologist can prescribe. Turns out I had deeper underlying issues and exhibited symptoms of bipolar disorder which can also include obsessive compulsive thoughts. Took me a few different medications over the course of the last three years but I can honestly say that these past nine months since I finalize my dosage and medication I have been largely retroactive jealousy free. While I still will occasionally get retroactive jealousy I believe with the aid of medication my symptoms of obsessiveness have subsided. Which has allowed me to deeper analyze why I feel the way I do without the obsessive side effects that come along with these thoughts. All in all what I'm getting at is I am not old but I have truly been hurt by retroactive jealousy and personally I can attest to certain medications drastically improving my life. My girlfriend and I just celebrated our one-year anniversary. Her and I have shared beautiful open conversations about our own Mental Health and while life isn't perfect I want you to know that there are ways to beat this horrible compulsive mental disease.
Dude honestly... I just found out that this shit has a name and that alone already helps somehow a little bit! Already ordered your book and cant wait to get this shit out of my head and finally start to have a even more beautiful relationship with my girlfriend. Thank you so much!!
I connect with most of the comments stating that they need to know every detail in order to satisfy what my gf did in the past. I feel like knowing everything will fulfill my thought of not knowing the full story. But In reality if you believe in a higher power, I feel as if some of our bodies can’t handle the thoughts of the past because our bodies are programmed to feel the feelings that you have with one person… sex is far from an act, it connects the two people that do it spiritually(soul ties). That’s why waiting until marriage is a big thing because your body becomes attached to the one special person you do it with the first time. And after you understand that, you see that thinking about your partner doing sexual acts with someone else because you know the ex has been doing what you are doing now with your partner. It is definitely a mind game but that is how I view it and believe with practice it will get better…. It’s hard to get over it because you just can’t imagine your partner being with someone else doing sexual things…
My retroactive jealousy came on when I heard from multiple people (including the girl in question, mind you) that she had a hyper sexual past, one-night stands left and right and very questionable sexual choices in general, seemingly being purposefully used for sex during a period when she was also heavily drinking. She tried to explain it away as some sort of coping mechanism because she had a very troubled growing up and abusive, controlling parents. This is true but I still didn't feel like it could excuse the decision making in the past. We all have our baggage but that's not an excuse for irresponsible decision-making over and over and over again for years. The worst part is, she wanted to wait a while before being sexual with me because she "really liked me and wanted to take things slow". Imagine knowing that a bunch of guys had sex with your girl within hours of meeting her and then she tells you she wants to wait a while to have sex with you because she LIKES you. I ended the relationship today, before it even really had time to properly begin. But I think in this case it was warranted. The takeaway here is that most of the time retroactive jealousy is unwarranted and a problem you have to deal with yourself, but sometimes there are genuine parts of a person's past that should trigger alarms in your head. There are genuine red flags when going into a relationship, so while the advice in this video is great for people who are unjustifiably making a bigger deal out of someone's past than it really is, try to remember that there is still such a thing as a deal breaker, and it's up to YOU to decide what is and isn't a deal breaker. Zachary himself actually mentions this in one of his texts that I read online. You shouldn't interpret this video as "I must get over my partner's past no matter what". Instead, you should interpret it as "am I actually correct about my partner's past or is my jealousy making a much worse picture than it actually is?" Sadly, the reality is sometimes just as bad or worse than you imagine it and you should be aware of that as well.
I actually had a similar situation and made the same decision. However my OCD didn't stop immediately after breaking-up, intrusive thoughts have been there for a while... what about you? OCD disappeared at the moment you broke up?
You make an extremely good point. Inventing a clinical term to describe a "condition" and trying to pretend the past "doesn't exist" or that since you can't have "EXACT 100% facts" about your ex's past means you should close your eyes, ignore whatever the past is and assume you are just a bad/sick person for trying to go deeper into it is ridiculous and delusional. Your partner's past MATTERS if you decide that it matters. Of course you might regret looking into it and finding truths... Or you might regret causing drama for no good reasons. Like so many other things, whatever choice you make can end up being the right one or the wrong one depending on what you actually find out or not. Ignoring signals and blindly closing your mind to the past can be a really dumb strategy, IN PARTICULAR if you're thinking of marriage. There ARE a lot of people who'd rather "not know" about things that can cause pain: this video is really targeting these people. I prefer to face truth, always. That said, there's a fine line between facing truths versus encouraging one's paranoia... The number one questions I'd ask myself if I'd suffer from retroactive jealousy are: "what is causing me to mistrust my partner?" and "what is causing me to feel devalued?" I mean, I don't think retroactive jealousy can exist when there's high trust and feelings of being highly valued between partners - so that's where it starts. By the way, this is indeed something that women have completely wrong, this really DUMB idea that "oh, I did all these crazy things with all these guys on so many one nights but hey, I LIKE this guy so much that I'm going to MAKE HIM WAIT. Hand in hand with that same "logic", the "red pill" view that women will do EVERYTHING with random alphas, but RESTRAIN what the sex they will allow with their actual life partner!! A real recipe for disaster, if you ask me. Your story was very interesting. And I definitely think you took the best decision...(not that it has any importance whether I agree or not, ha ha...)
Sure, if you’re a Christian or something and you have a warped perception of morality It makes sense that you would lose your respect for sexually active people, but I think that’s still something you should actively fight against and try to improve about yourself. Edit: I’m not a feminist, soyboy or cuck, I just legitimately don’t think there is anything morally wrong about that
I disagree with your conclusion, even though I know I would struggle very badly to overcome RJ in this scenario. What you described sounds like healthy behaviour from the girl. Her understanding that her promiscuity was a coping response, impulsive, etc. Her wanting to wait for sex because she liked you, take that out of the equation, that takes great self-control and self-awareness. I absolutely envy those who have zero RJ because they can land and retain people who are more emotionally evolved. Land those with healthy levels of communication etc. Not trying to give you a hard time, but I felt compelled to defend this abstract girl because I commend the honesty and self-awareness you described about her.
Thank you for taking time to make educational videos like this. I'm a good looking guy. Never had anything past normal jealousy and insecurities. Met this girl and learned some things and I was so in love. I spiraled down a dark path. Took it out on her. Interrogating her. Coming off as an ass alot. Read all of this, on Google after realizing i had a problem but for some reason, your video and how you created it,, Maybe even just hearing your voice and how you interpret this OCD. Really helped and helped me figure out more in depth of myself. So thanks bro, much love.
I'm single but I know I would be uncomfortable being with someone who has a promiscuous past. I've known people with over 30 sex partners and I immediately lose interest. More than 5 already makes me uncomfortable, but more than 10 is usually a deal breaker for me.
The problem is it’s always facts. Because I know the details about his sexual past due to my countless questions I asked at the beginning of the relationship
Omg and here i was thinking i was crazy and alone i thought it was Boarderline personality disorder or something thank you for putting a face to my feelings
Well, I have to thank you very much for SHORT TIME solution. I can force myself to stop looking into something now, most of the time. However that's not helping at large. Because I know too many facts. Not thoughts but actual 100% facts. I kinda went too far with my detective work, and I, unfortunately, hacked my gf's socials (something I'm not proud of and truly regret now) and I found out too many unreliable facts that I wish I could forget and never think of again. I love her very much, and I know that she loves me, but the flashbacks are not controlled... I mean, something might happen, and I know for A FACT that very same things happen with her and her ex, and then I just loose control again... Is there something else I can do? I really don't want to break up...
How can I react when my mother in law keeps posting pictures of my husband’s ex ? He is not gonna block his mom and she won’t stop posting pictures of ONLY her. I feel so insecure when my husband sees pictures of her. Sometimes it’s been weeks that I don’t bring this subject but his mom always posts something about her. I hate this. Thank you so much for your video
Thanks for the video. Please what can I do if I saw conversations of him with a girl (before being with me, of course) and he was totally in love with her, finally nothing happened but he told her he dreamed of her (he never told me this) and also he dedicated songs to her and told her he had never had such a deep connection with anyone. Actually i would've preferred they dated and it hadn't worked, than him being in love with her and finally easing to feel that way bc she rejected him, because i feel that if he sees her again he will feel those things again.... I'm devastated
Damn thank u for this… I do the exact same thing with RJ - I start a discussion just bc I want reassurance from him. But the thing is I’m not only doing it with the topic RJ…. How can I get the reassurance I need in another way? How can I stop self sabotaging….
Here is a good story.. in 2006 I was 25 when I met my last girlfriend (my wife) and she was 24.. she had 2 boyfriends before and I had 2 girlfriends before, she invited me to her brothers weading but I reject her invitation.. in 2008 she met an idiot who she ended having sex in two ocations and she decided that he wasnt worth it.. 6 months later we got together.. I was really hard for me and made me really mad with everything.. know I understand that she always loved me but I made a bad choice on reject the invitation.. know we have 2 girls and 11 year together.. but it was hard for me at one point of the relationship..
Does RJ only happen with past scenarios because I always think my partner prefers another female that we maybe talking to. It happens in the present moment too. It's so tiring, I can't cope any more with this.
Does this situation age to be with a partner. I have intense jealousy and whenever my friend gets a new friend I stalk them on social media and they always go places together and I absolutely have to find out how they met and if I ever hear her even say her new friends name I get so pissed and jealous I have to leave. One time my two best friends had a situation that made me so jealous that I developed depression and even suicidal thoughts just because of my intense jealousy
I am virgin... but, my gf is not virgin... after 1.5 years, i knew that story that she slept 8 to 10 times with her ex-bf... but, i like virgin girl... now, i am frustrated... but, i love her very much that i can not leave her... what should i do???
You want a virgin girl? She slept 8 times only with her bf? That’s not that much. If it’s only one guy it’s not as bad. I know your feelings. My girlfriend was married for 4 years imagine that having sex 1-3 times a day for 4 years 1460-4380 times with her husband. I only had sex around 31 times in my life time. 11 with other girls and 20with my girl. I know the feeling you feel like damn she had more experience. So why hasn’t she had sex with you? You mention you a virgin?
I disagree with your methods for the following reasons: 1. Telling yourself that “It’s just ocd and you shouldn’t worry about it” is reassurance, and people who suffer from ocd should avoid doing that 2. Trying to disconnect from your unwanted thoughts as soon as they come up does not help anything and it’s antithetical to the purpose of ERP Please tell me if you don’t think I’m correct about this.
Here I am at frickin 2am on a Tuesday looking for ways to stop being jealous of my boyfriends ex girlfriend from three years ago that is no longer in his life and was never even in my life and then finding out that this shitty and stupid behaviour of mine actually has a name. Welp. Great. I think I'm delusional 😂
I'm right there with you! I obsess over a guy my wife briefly went out with when we were dating and well before we were exclusive (I too was seeing other people but of course that is FINE!!! LOL). I obsess FAR more about him than my wife ever did in the six months they went out! The description of phony movies in my head is right on! I too am an IDIOT!!!!
I can't thank you enough for putting this information out there. My RJ has gotten to the point where I can't hear anything at all about my partner's past without feeling some kind of jealousy, anxiety, or nausea. Either she'll show me a photo on her Facebook memories of something from years ago and all I can think is that she was with that disgusting man at the time, or I just feel threatened by her socially active, exciting past. My intrusive thoughts in conjunction with my other psychological issues have progressed to where I'm practically avoiding any emotional or physical intimacy with her, and it makes me feel terrible.
What helps me most is reading through the comments of these videos and knowing it's not just me. So thank you folks. I know this is a tough emotion to deal with, but your stories and comments help by knowing I'm not alone in this.
Zachary Stockill yea man honestly you saved me haha. Only yesterday I found out about retroactive jealousy and I've been dating this girl for almost 8 months now. I've been dealing with that since the very beginning and I did all of the things about type 3 RJ to try to find reassurance. I thought what I had wasn't normal and when I found out I wasn't the only one it gave me a sense if hope and when I found out about your work I felt instantly relieved trying out the techniques you talk about. So thank you again for putting out your work like this to help others like me
@@stefanobiagiotti2705 you can definitely say that yes I'm still with the same girl we've been dating for over 2 years man happy relationship. Their past will never disappear you need to live with it
This is the first video I've watched on your channel and it's helped immensely. I felt like you were describing me to a tee. And sometimes just knowing there's someone else out there who experiences the same things as you and that you're not alone is enough to calm the anxiety. Thank you for this.
I feel so hurt by talking about my girlfriends past, but I can't stop. I have to know EVERYTHING about what she did so that I can fuel my jealousy and give myself satisfaction in knowing that I was right the whole time... Which is crazy and I'm never right. She told me how she's "hooked up" with three dudes in the past and I feel like I need to find out every detail of about these three hookups. It almost feels like she has cheated on me. It's an insane feeling and I do not want to feel this way, and I can feel her getting exhausted by it. It's truly terrible.
I know exactly how you feel. Its destroying me. But I can't get over the reality that she did sleep with those people, and it's not just a phony memory.
Hey man, just wanted to say I’m going through the exact same thing, have you found anyway to deal with this issue, my girlfriend is the love of my life and I too feel like she’s getting tired of this feeling of mine so please if you have somehow managed to deal with this, please share the secret with me
I feel like my RJ is extreme. I can hear words and it'll trigger me or I can see her doing something and imagine it being sexual or something she's done with an ex-boyfriend. I ask her tons of questions and she has the choice to tell me or not and she does, and when she does, I don't fully believe it most of the time which is not fair to her because she's been honest enough to tell me and I can't give her the benefit of the doubt by just trusting her. I feel like shit all the time because your video is right, I do imagine things in my head the way I see things now. I imagine our sex but with her exes and I can feel my heart sink to my stomach. I've been with more women than she's been with men, twice as many (11 to her 5) and I feel bad because I know I've done what she's done but I know what she's done but it goes back quite a ways to never feeling special. It goes back to my insecurities and not keeping busy doing things. She has her exes blocked and I do as well because she does get jealous and that has really helped but you can't block out thoughts. I'm worried she thinks about her exes when we do things. Cuddling, sex, watch a movie, going for a walk, anything. This isn't because I think about my exes and I'm just paranoid, because I don't. I want to go a day without thinking things, I wish everything would just vanish for a while so I can enjoy this relationship. She's told me things like she doesn't value sex more than love which is definitely new in this society and it's also hard to believe especially because I was at College but I guess not everybody is the same. She's an amazing woman, the love of my life. She's always there to reassure me when I need it. I used to ask her the same questions every single day until I realized that's what insanity is. But it wasn't me expecting a different answer, it was seeing if I would get a different answer because I have severe trust issues. I don't have trust issues or any insecurities when I'm not in a relationship, but I feel as though this woman is the love of my life, and she's never been told that. Her exes are all cheaters and abusers and were never good to her but she was too scared to leave them. I asked her to be my wife and she said yes. We're still in college but this is my last year and so we're waiting a bit for the wedding. I'm super excited because she's never been in love before, because we've both been through relationships where we thought something was love, but love wears a mask sometimes and we're so blinded by it all the time that we forget to look closer and harder. We sometimes have to date people to find out what we truly hate so at the end of the day, be with the people we know we love.
Consider this: she will grow resentful and leave you if you don't stop it! She's with you out of choice. People are free to choose. You should seek professional help, because you have issues from childhood that need to be resolved. Don't wait til it's too late! And I know this, because I am wise...
@@donnieluc6830 Not to be rude, but you can't just assume it's because of my childhood. I grew up with 5 siblings and a mother and a father in a nice neighborhood. I played sports and did well in school. Also, if I were to get advice from anyone, I'd rather it be from Zach.
Donnie Luc why ADD and not regular OCD. Curious. I’m older. Great woman. Fantastic. But can’t get by specific person for reasons. Therapist I had no use. Been to therapy before but I’m suffering. It’s cycles. For 9 months. Used to be weekly. Now every two weeks. Feeling ok. Holiday on my mind. Then sadness at thoughts. Trying to control them. Not bring it up. Then caving. Shane. Withdrawal. Anger. Only about one person. My details would make any of you obsess. I have no control in it. Why ADD. Not OCD.
Damn I didn’t know this was a thing. Cause of this shit I’m ruining our relationship I feel like I’m going to lose my shit people I need help but don’t know where to look for help :(
I am also struggling.. finally found a man who loves me, cares for me... But the jealousy thing is about to ruin it and i cant seem to help myself 😭 How has it been for you? I hope you were able to overcome this terrible emotion!
Whenever you gf is still friends with exes even if you know they aren't doing things you get triggered and keep having a vicious cycle. I don't want to have these thoughts it's making me sick and I'm being distant to her she doesnt deserve that
Anybody feel like your mood changes when let’s say you hear something new about her past or stumble upon a photo of her with her ex ? I noticed I get this anxiety or distant and it’s really Interfering with us moving forward
holy crap I needed to hear all this stuff mate! thank you so much Zach. I have been dealing with the thoughts of my wifes promiscuous past for a long time now, it sometimes devours hours of my time and I can't concentrate or work or anything. this already seems to be helping.
@Shaun Cullen I'm right there with you brother. I hope all is well and know your wife loves you. Being told my wife's experiences made her become the person I love today helped a lot. Either way it's tough and it was comforting reading your comment and know I'm not alone in this.
@@joshthejedi1224 Chalk up another one in the exact same boat as you guys. It is/was consuming me but after finding this info and his site tonight it offers me some hope
What I found is retroactive jealousy is basically a control issue where we try to control our partners experience for fear that they may abandon us. You have to work on your abandonment issues and this stuff will naturally go away. Soon you will be able to allow your partner to have experiences in his or her life And hope that they had a happy experiences!
Mike L my boyfriend has had control issues with me since I met him. And when the relationship got serious and I opened up to him about my past his control issues got worse. Now that we live together he tortured himself everyday. I’m watching these videos to understand because although he has a pass far worse than mine. I don’t feel this jealousy. So I’m trying to understand and help
@@carolinestacey7928 That is truly commendable. I stuggle with this and it really matters that you've decided to try and help him instead of giving up.
What about partner who is retroactive jealous but because he saw like pictures and stuff with me and my ex? Idk it was fact cause it happened but also I don’t understand when partner calls it ‘sexual disgust’ not a retroactive jealousy, I don’t see a difference tbh
As a soon to be 43 year old male this jealousy hit me hard and was really insecure and just wasn't myself but I knew it and felt trapped basically inside my own mind. What really helped me was getting my testosterone level checked and now take testosterone and I feel alot better and even my wife says I'm not the same person I was 3 yrs ago being super jealous of things that happened years ago. Also when you have those thoughts tell yourself hey this thought is not welcome and needs to go away.
Mate I tested myself privately for testosterone levels and it came back low. I honestly think there's a connection between testosterone and insecurity/RJ OCD, I'm pleased u mentioned that. On the face of it I shouldn't have low T as I look after myself and have played competitive sports including boxing but u can't take things like that for granted.
This is my first relationship. We’ve been dating from almost 2 years. I don’t make up things tbh but I ask her to tell me details about everything and practically saying, she really had a relationship like in movies not sweet and romantic but like sexual and fun. It makes me feel bad about how inexperienced I am. I am always curious to know what it was like dating that guy so I ask her everything about it. I found out whatever he did to her were all I used to imagine doing with her and knowing she already experienced all that hurts. Her ex was a stud he was a womaniser and I used to be a simp lol. I don’t compare myself to him at all I know what I am good at. But the thing is she’s experienced she’s done everything ugh I literally spoke to multiple therapists lmao nothing ever changed I don’t want to feel this but I still want to blame her past and don’t want to feel sorry for what I am doing for her with these jealousy mood swings and sh*t.
My gf is white and it hurts thinking she's had bbc in her past. Makes me feel insecure of my size since she described the biggest she's ever had was 10 inches from a black guy. Help what do I do
@@mikeolithory898 if you find it hard to get over it and always face it. its better to break up, it will help both of you but at least for the next committed relationship work on your RJ OCD
I think I'm going to buy enhancement pills so I can feel better about my size. After that, I don't think I'll want to be in a committed relationship, maybe I'll just be a player.. I'll be known as coochie assassin
What an eye opener. I had no idea that what I have been suffering with for too damn long has an actual name. Watching your video was like watching a window into my brain and circular, futile thought processes. It also explains my chronic stomach problems. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I love him SO much. I feel awful for all that I have put him through with my ruminations and checking and seeking constant reassurance from him. He deserves a medal for being so patient with me
GreatLuch 98 Dozens of retroactive jealousy success stories from students and clients on this page: www.retroactivejealousy.com/retroactive-jealousy-success-stories/
I did man. Here’s some good advice my friend told me about this situation. He said there is no point in being jealous or thinking horrible thoughts about it, instead of shaming your gf, you could ask what did she learn? That’s helped me. Instead of thinking horrible thoughts blah blah blah I now just think, I’m sure she had fun and learned something.
I'm 33, this shit has destroyed my life. I have suffered from it since I was 18. I cannot have a normal relationship. My second girlfriend had no past, and those were the only three happy years of my life. Selflishly so, cause she was my second. The first time I felt this way, I thought I would go crazy. The second time, seven years later, after thinking I had overcome it, I thought I would die. Now, another seven years down the road, it's back stronger than ever. I'm having suicidal thoughts. This is a nightmare.
@@ZacharyStockill I don't think I will ever harm myself, but the idea of spending two years obsessing over the same excruciatingly painful things over and over again, like I did last time, makes me want to give everything up and be on my own forever. Thank you for caring, anyway.
I had his past thrown in my face unwelcomed too many times that I’m afraid I have no control over getting over it cuz I can’t escape it. I had slight retroactive jealous in past relationships and it ruined my attraction. But with my man now I feel I am truely in love and nothing can take that away, however unwanted thoughts make me withdraw from him. This week has been the worst and it’s getting more intense.
MLD&NLD the person I dated had a few sexual partners with people I worked with. I didn’t know about it until other people started to bring up his past to me. My heart would sink everytime and I’d feel disgusted. I worked there for a year and ultimately those feelings never left until I left that circle. It was the only way out of that cycle of thoughts and feelings for me.
I m 35. Are 14 years that i fight with this problem. I also have depression and bpd. 5 years ago i had my last boyfriend, then i decide to live alone Forever. Because the pain is too much. One month ago another guy come in to my Life. I thought that there was a reason. Well all' my problems come s back....he left me...and now i m in pain so bad. I cry all day. I miss him so much...but i know that if he come back...my fears and my jealous comes back. So sad
Weirdmanu, I have suffered from extreme jealousy in relationship for a looooooong time. My father is a narcissist, and I believe that the invalidation and lack of security as child (of his), has definitely led to this debillitating condition I now have. Its ruined my life! After my parents divorced when I was 8, my mom left to go back to Australia. My dad convinced me to stay with him, because, according to him, he couldn't handle it if I were to leave too. Omfg. Then, within weeks of mom leaving, he is dating other women and neglecting my needs. It broke me. It really did. I felt like a nothing.
This advice did not help me at all, thanks though. I see your point but I just don't care if it's a fact or opinion, I don't care if it's not exactly as I am picturing in my mind, I know what I'm picturing is not the very same but it's a lot like how the real thing happened and that's enough for me
There is the reason why young girls and men should keep virginity until they get married. The reason is so simple because keep virginity can prevent Retroactive Jealousy. If you are a virgin, your partner will not hurt from retroactive jealousy in your married life. It is so beautiful too. Unfortunately, there are a few men and women who care at this point.
My situations with this RJ stuff is so messed up. So basically my girlfriends first love is in the same class as me, when school started my gf and him were together and i didn’t even know her, me and the guy were kind of classmate friends. Eventually they broke up and me and my gf got really close. The guy was not that big of a friend of mine, we would just chat during class now and then. Now when me and my gf are very close it kills me thinking about him being her first love and him taking her virginity and him being the one that made her experience everything first. It kills me thinking about this and er ex who goes with me in class doesn’t even know that we are dating. I can’t look at him without starting to feel anxiety and RJ.
I did much worse than this. I have hacking skills. I hacked her ex bf work email, social media and other email accounts. He was evil to my wife and left some major mental scars. I sent an email from his companies account signed by him of course and sent a confession to all of his colleagues and senior managers. Suffice to say he left the company but this did not help my retroactive jealousy. The solution is inside of you. No matter how all consuming and painful it is, you can find a solution....I don’t have the answers yet but I will find them
Props to you for admitting that RJ was so unbearable that you took measures that you admit were not healthy, and thank you for stating that ultimately, it didn't fix anything. In my experience, the thoughts have driven me to fantasize about extreme things that feel like they'd help soothe the feelings. Absolutely. Thanks for sharing.
So last night I had honestly what I can only describe as a relapse if you will. I’m on some meds for bipolar and OCD and to be honest my retroactive jealousy has not been a major problem since I made the medication shift almost 9 months ago. My RJ used to be absolutely horrible it made me contemplate ending things it made me incapable of having a relationship. I’m in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman who understands my triggers and what not. Unfortunately last night she mentioned some thing that in hindsight she shouldn’t have. She apologize profusely. Damage was done though and for some reason my RJ got triggered and I couldn’t sleep all night. I’m already feeling better but honestly last night just freaked me out because it reminded me of how bad it used to be all the time. Are there any support groups you guys know of where people like me and you and everyone reading this and watching this video can talk?
I’m struggling with her past it’s doing my head in! Tried everything but can’t see past it! I’m obviously very insecure and probably better off on my own.
Holy crap. Ive been struggling with this for a minute now. I had those thoughts a couple of months ago, and i tried just forgetting about them, ignoring them. But I recently started thinking about them again. But man does this video help me understand better. Its not me its OCD. Thank you so much for this video. This helps me a lot.
It's all cool, but does it matter if one suffering from RJ has the "exact" mental movie in their head? Yes, it's not "precise", it's a brain trick and you're right. But the fact alone causes the anxiety, shame and pain on it's own, no matter if one has that movie in their head. Can you help find a clue to disintegrate one's mind from that?
My problem is that my gf lied to me about how many people she slept with and also the time frame. It's not just that I'm jealous but she also destroyed my trust and I dont know how to fix things. It would have hurt if she told me before we started dating but she lied to me for 3 months and didnt tell me she had slept with her ex 1 week before we started dating. I dont know what to do
Damnnn!!!!! You are so good. This information is like gold to me! I suffer with this and now I clearly understood what is it actually that is bothering me. Thank you so much for this video.
I also felt like this in my daily life for the Past 10 years been married to my wife until now...and i felt sorry to my wife...! My wife spoked to me evrytime when i burst my anger. she told me that, "she's the one to blame why i am becoming like this terribly"but in my heart i felt so sad why she's telling me that. My wife is perfect and i love her soo much . . . The problem is i dont have a peaceful mind everytime i remember her past.
I am going through this now with a partner of 5 months. She made a stupid comment a few weeks a go about her ex and it hasn't left my brain since. We had our first argument last night which now I realise is all because of RJ. This is the first time I have ever experienced feelings like this before and I have no idea what to do, but your videos are really amazing and are helping me understand what RJ is and how I can overcome it and, hopefully, will save my new relationship from breakdown.
This is all me.. including the detective part where I looked through all of my wife’s college photos,, scrapbooks and I did the same for her high school keepsakes, photos and yearbook. All in an effort to complete the story that I could never nor should ever ask her about.
Zach. Thank you, truly. I can’t say that it has worked yet, as I’ve just seen your video, but you capture the thoughts and process running through my head perfectly. I have struggled with RJ OCD for all of my life. I’m at the age where I’ve just started to realize it taking ahold of my thoughts around my partner. Thank you for providing me a way to hopefully shell the thought out.. I’ll try, and I’ll keep on looking for ways to better myself.
i just think that i am suffering from retroactive jealousy. he is my first boyfriend ever and i am not his first. he's my FIRST in everything and i feel so mad and sad at the same time that my boyfriend had sexual experiences with his past relationships. every time i see him, that's all i think about. it feels like i'm being cheated on when it's not. i can feel him getting annoyed by this kind of behaviour of mine where i always bring up his past because i can't help it. i feel disgusted, annoyed, and sad that he had exes. just thinking about it makes me stressed tf out. i can't go into details because it hurts me so baaaad 😭😭 it's my fault as well 'coz i keep on asking him about it. i'm so curious about what else they did and after getting answers, BAM, stabs in the heart. help
I had this quite badly back in 2006 with my ex. It made my relationship no fun, and ultimately made me so miserable I had to end it. It began to happen again with a couple more girls I began to get close with, but ended it before it could manifest it again. Glad it has a name now. It's definitely a mental illness but seems very real when your in it. It's a lie when people say it come out of nowhere. It doesn't. It's usually rooted in past abandonment or trauma manifesting in the present. It's a defense mechanism.
Insecurity for me. Always trying to compare yourself to her past lovers it's a losers game you're never going to win against the evil voice in your head
@kevh7941 Yes also it cab be a disgusting thing, like they're unclean or un-pure. Of its in your face or in your mind, its best to find someone with less of a past
@@bwilliamson3887 thing is with mine she hasn't got much of a past, but the evil RJ makes it out to be much worse than it is. Luckily I'm starting to beat the demons with the help of Zach's material, I hope u do too mate
Okay, I watched the video. Is the memory fact or fiction? Zachary asks. Did it really happen as you imagined it? Probably not. Should that make it all okay? Because had I actually been there to see the my boyfriend having sex with his ex as it actually happened, it would make me even sicker to my stomach than what I imagined and I would find it completely impossible to be with him intimately. Sex doesn’t have to go down exactly as we imagine it to hurt. Just the fact that it happened regardless of ever little detail, is enough to feel like the sexual experience between myself and my partner can never be sacred.
Omg! Finally, someone brings up the sacredness of sex between two people who love each other. You are spot on. The spiritual bond cannot exist if there's infidelity or even thoughts of your partner telling you things they've done with someone else. Dang!
Hey same here, I feel you :/ I'm in a long distant relationship and I'm virgin but he had 2 girlfriends before and more experienced with others girls, he said he loved me and he tries really hard to make feel special but I cant with my thoughts I just cant think about having sex with him because I inmediately start thinking about him and his pasr sexuak experience and it makes me feel so depressed and I think I would never feel special to him cause I'm not his first one, I'm thinking about break up with him and find someone who is virgin just like me but I feel like maybe it's too late or maybe I should try to work on my thought but goshhh it's so painful and difficult
Here is very good thing to tell your brain when this occurs and I found is so very much helpful " you are a piece of shit , brain ! we got a long road ahead of us and we gotta stay calm dude "
ive always thought that i was the most awful person for feeling such negative and jealous ways, i never want to feel this way i want to be normal and not be bothered by it at all. it causes me to feel suicidal and worthless
My retroactive jealousy is so bad its ruined me . Wanna hear something sad ? My first girlfriend ever was about 10 yrs ago , we dated for 3 years . I cant remember in detail any night we spent together , everything is a blur .... BUT I can tell you in vivid detail every guy shes banged before , how and where it happened . Ive lived those stories so much at the time that thats all I remember . Its a special kind of hell that I feel with every girl im with . Nothing helps
lucky him i have no ex. no past.. a virgin, inexperience in love inside out. only love i knew is the innocent type the he failed to give. cant wait. and now i feel like an idiot. i wanna die
I feel horrible... I never did any sexual contact with my bf (virtual relationship), but he's not virgin anymore, I feel so pathetic imagining things all the time and crying all the time... I feel so stupid, it's like I'm not good enough, I wonder if he miss having a sexual partner... I wonder if he want to throw me away too :( I really love him but I suffer every day, every hour... I'm having enough
Please remember that this is a problem with you and not him, and this can 100% cured with Exposure and Response Prevention. It’s probably not worth it to break up because of this since you will keep having the same problem with future partners
Thank you for this. I am studying to become a counsellor and I would like my marked presentation to be on this topic. I wouldn't say I've done this myself in previous relationships, but my ex partner was very secretive about his past so I found myself digging for info after we split, mainly because he was so obsessed with my past. He used to get upset because I wasn't a virgin or I hadn't met him first etc. He always used my past against me, but he was a sociopathic narcissict, so I guess this type of thing is 'normal' for them. I'm glad you're bringing awareness to this, especially for those who don't fall into the narcissist or misogynist category
i’ve been with my boyfriend for around 8 months now. during the recent months, we’ve been off and on with our “label” but have not changed any of our behavior. i know that he has traumatic history, which he has gone to counseling for. however, he says his therapists made him feel at fault for everything, ie. his behavior, the way he speaks to people, etc. but a good therapist should be finding the source/root cause of why he is the way that he is. anyways, every so often he becomes distant with me for approximately a night because he cannot stand the idea of me being with another guy in my past. it mostly is a sexual thing for him, he doesn’t enjoy the idea that i have done anything sexual with anyone but him. he acts this way towards me randomly, so i have tried asking him what triggers him to get these thoughts and i’ve tried searching for patterns to see what happens previously to result in these thoughts, but i can’t seem to find anything. a lot of the time it’s after we had a really good day, but when he’s alone with his thoughts they come and taunt him. he claims that they are always there and that nothing “triggers” them. i started digging a few months in and discovered retroactive jealousy ocd. i finally opened up to him and expressed that this is something that i believe he has. i am not going to list everything that he does/has done to show symptoms but i am 99% he has it. i’ve talked to him about counseling or therapy for it and he is beyond against the idea of it. i asked him why he views it as such a bad thing and he stated “because other people don’t need to know the shit going on in OUR relationship especially bc there’s not gonna be a change of outcome”. i make sure that he understands that it is okay to feel the things that he does and that it takes time to heal, but no matter what i say, it doesn’t help. i reassure him constantly and have tried to rid his thoughts but it is out of my control. i’m lost on what to do and want to reach out for help. however, because he is against the idea of counseling or therapy, i am turning towards researching it and gaining the best understanding of it that i can. i will never leave him, despite this inconvenience. my main goal is to help him move past this, but he has such a negative outlook on it and we both don’t know how to solve it. i won’t quit trying until i have found an effective way to heal him and his invasive thoughts, but it is so hard to do when he is not willing to reach out to outside resources. i even asked if i could go to counseling and apply their advice to our relationship, but again “no one needs to know about the stuff in our relationship”. if anyone has any advice for me, i would deeply appreciate it. he is a stubborn man but i am convinced that, with time, he will be able to move past it.
I’ve met my girlfriend recently it’s been 4 months and it’s a long distance relationship we meet once in a week and her past is very messy from drugs to sex she has done everything but she says she wants to change as I’m in her life ( I’m her sixth, she’s my first ) and I’m not able to decide what to do further yes I do love her , but everytime in my mind there’s always anxiety and jealousy about her past I don’t know whether I should settle or not. please reply 🙏🏻😔
