I’ve spent most of my life with, what I felt, was relatively healthy self-esteem. I find myself exhibiting every behavior you’ve mentioned for the exact reasons you’ve attributed to them, right down to the ‘de-skill’ concept (great term, btw). I’ve done a lot of introspection and identifying which events triggered this. Thank you for calling things out as they are, and also for reiterating that helping AvPD is more than telling sufferers to just ‘go and do it...’, and specifically for pointing out that ‘helping’ friends and family members requires patience, empathy, real understanding and love. Pushing without these just drives sufferers farther in and away... Often being labeled as stubborn when, in fact, they are truly terrified, albeit for illogical reasons. We are an emotionally driven animal, at heart.
I've kind of fallen into this once I left my parents' home. My mom was a very strict parent that wanted perfection and punished me for tiniest of mistakes. After I left to go to uni, I realized my mother's standards were too high to maintain, so I dropped them altogether. Now I have anxiety around anything work related, I procrastinate and avoid tasks, and I almost never show up. I live below my potential and it's killing me.
I'm 42 and this is me. I spent my 20s and 30s hiding in basements, garages, abandoned buildings. Never furthering my education, barely having low paying jobs, never traveling, never making friends, just absolutely defeated. I wish I would have seen this back when I was young
I would say a very strong cross-over is with not only social phobia, but even Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). I struggle from this a lot. I feel this mode is ruling all other modes ... :-/
Hi Jessica whats the difference between the exposure side and the avoidant protector giving excuses side because sometimes it kind of sounds the same "I'm going give myself 10 minutes here and go if I have anxiety" type of talk
What if avoidance gets worse with exposure? It always does for me. I generally have no trouble going into an entirely new situation but keeping going gets harder and harder as the relationships develop and become more difficult to understand and navigate.
That tells me you’re okay with superficial interactions but struggle with deeper, meaningful connections because that’s where the vulnerability originates from.
@@thePSYCHcollective I have a similar thing. However, recently I've been able to develop a couple deeper friendships where I've been getting more involved and trying hobbies that they like to see if I might be interested in them too.
@@Rachelxxc I’m not a therapist but what I can say is to start watching your fears but instead of running away from them just observe them lovingly and peacefully whitout judging, this will slowly fill your unconscious fears whit love, do it 20 minutes when you’re fully awake also there’s a 10 days course called vipassana meditation this improved so many people mental health whit anxiety and depression (it’s not a cult)
@@thePSYCHcollective Turns out I'm autistic and my mistake was trying to build connections with neurotypicals. Problem solved instantaneously when I started interacting with other autistics. Interactions were suddenly comprehensible. Anxiety gone overnight.
How does one develop an objective framework to distinguish between 'Avoidant Protector' vs. making sound decisions based on real information? Examples: A guy doesn't want to buy lottery tickets because he realizes the chances of winning money aren't worth the cost of the ticket. The fat kid in the high school class doesn't ask the cheerleader to prom because he knows there's no chance she says yes. People don't want to apply for jobs they aren't qualified for. A person who was once seriously injured by a dog does not want to go near dogs anymore. When does 'I have real evidence to believe that I will not succeed' turn into avoidance? It seems impossible for person to be able to differentiate them because of the subjective bias they have for their own life experience/
Then base it on the whether you have a fear response. Lotto tickets won’t usually cause a fear response, so it’s not avoidance. If you’ve been attacked by a dog, then your avoidance is fear based.
‘One’ stops smoke-screening issues with massive, avoidant hypotheticals and accepts that ‘one’ is displaying a behavior documented by clinical psychologists...
I have such a bad case of this that, during covid, *nothing changed* for me. Literally, nothing. Same social interactions (none), same environment (parent's home), same romantic/love life (LOL). Currently getting better. This kind of video helps, really, because I feel like - no, I *know* - that awareness of this stuff is key. No awareness, no intent to heal. No intent to heal, well, start hiding those plastic bags. Thank you for posting this.
"Compassionate kick up the ass" - love it Jess! I've been really enjoying these schema mode videos. Packed with clear info which have been helping me focus when developing treatment plans. Cheers!
I have been doing Schema Therapy for a few months now every fortnight with my consultant psychologist. The material she has provided has been thorough and these videos are helpful too. But it seems a very complicated system. I'm drowning in terminology. I wish a therapist could just, like, I don't know, put me on a reclining chair and say I'm screwed because I didn't get a bicycle for my ninth birthday. Or get me to scream out the trauma. Or something like that.
I would suggest maybe changing your therapist or at least talking about it during your sessions. I felt the same way with my ex therapist like the work is interesting but i'm not comfortable with her techniques. I got someone new with different techniques a month ago and let me tell you it's a game changer, I don't feel like this at all with my new therapist and i'm much more hopeful and energetic. I wish i would have changed sooner, I waisted a lot a of time
I've tried Schema, CBT, Gestalt, meds. You name it. Too much work, and complex study. If you want simple and effective, try meditation. It worked best for me.
I am an avoidant and having a Church is an absolute lifesaver. There are many people to form a bond with so if it doesn't work out with someone there is always someone else. You get together in a setting where not much is expected of you. And the main value of a church is to love, connect and support, so you know people are in it for the right reasons. It's great.
I have recently come to terms that I have work to do in myself as I have NPD. This video helped me gain more depth and perspective about some of these schemas I didn't even know existed. 👀 This content is extremely valuable. Best of luck.
The cost of allowing one’s world to shrink is that one might end up with nothing positive. The antidote is to expand your world in small steps. You might need to use some anxiety/distress SKILLS. but take those SMALL steps deliberately, voluntarily and most importantly: COURAGEOUSLY.
Thanks for a good video. I think AVPD is a bit hard to get a grip of since the grade seems to be so different from person to person, some being quite isolated while other have wife and kids. I recognize much of the AVPD traits in myself but some don't fit e.g I've a long education and always had work(part-time when studying and full-time after). But I have forced myself to do much, and it came with a lot of stress and anxiety, and I did not get any very close friends or relationships(probably because I kept a distance). It probably would have been easier if I had sought a therapist and gotten some feedback on my catastrophic thoughts. If I could go back in time, I would advise myself to find a good therapist and check in at least once a month (and perhaps buy bitcoins in 2009 🙂). I think that would have changed my life much.
I was speaking to someone who said I need to be kind to myself and acceptant of my limitations; I answered that no, what I need is a kick up the ass! The trouble is that I literally can't kick myself up the ass, I need someone else to do it and despite intellectually knowing that it would be good for me, on any given day I'm absolutely going to avoid it if I can!
