To people sending the emails: These videos are for people like me. I have only had sex with one person, it took five years into our relationship, and a terminal cancer diagnosis (him not me) for it to happen. I love him so much. We've been together 9 years as of 3/14, I am 33 years old, and, despite being told he only had a year to live, he's made it 4 and we just celebrated his 30th birthday in February. That being said, I hate having sex so much. It is a very real problem in our relationship. He's been amazing and the only person I've been able to stand being around for the better part of a decade, but just last night we were up until 6AM arguing about this issue (our normal bedtime is 2AM). I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and PTSD at the beginning of last month and I have been doing so much research to figure myself out. After last night, I figure it was time to get over the subject and watch a video about sex, but let's make it about autism too. I rarely cry watching RU-vid videos, and before just today, I thought it was stupid when people say things like, "I feel so seen right now," but here I am, bawling my eyes out because things finally make so much sense and I can go inside to show him this series and make it make sense to him instead of talking in circles and getting nowhere or making it worse. I'm really good at talking in circles and making it worse. I need these videos, not you. I am so happy these videos exist, even though I hate the topic of sex as a whole. Trust, I would NOT be making this comment at ALL unless I thought it was important. Sometimes thinking about sex makes me feel like I might puke, and talking about it in real life is so hard and so embarrassing and I hate doing it so, so, so much, but this information is so life-changing for me that I might actually stand some semblance of a chance at getting somewhere with this problem. It definitely will make my relationship better. If it only brings understanding and less arguing, that's already a good improvement. I've never been excited to watch videos about sex, much less REWATCH videos about sex. I'm so sorry for the wall of text, but thank you if you've read it.
I find that if I can overcome the shyness, then the bluntness can be a secret power. Like saying, "I respect your boundaries, but I'd love to snuggle," or, "can I kiss you on the cheek?" and then of course respecting their boundaries and gauging their degree of openness to such.
Thank you for talking about this. I've been married for 28 years. I've never felt comfortable with being touched . I've longed to be hugged but it feels uncomfortable. Over the last few years, sex has been non-existent and I’ve felt horrible as a husband but I hate the whole physical touch as an autistic man.
So glad you are addressing this topic. When I gave up the idea of how my partner and I should interact based on a perceived social script and we started paying attention to what makes sense for us it made us both happier. Scheduling sounds like a sex killer but with ND it is more comfortable by eliminating anxiety over the unknown and transitions.
My partner and I made and shared with each other "want will won't" lists. The amount of discussion and windows it opened has boosted the areas we've started to explore together.
This is an incredibly kind and compassionate series about an icky topic that people are so often shy to really openly talk about. Thank you for putting it out here, Taylor, it means a lot, and it is really needed ❤
I've seen people use LED strips with different colors to indicate different levels of communication on mood. Could definitely be something I do in the future if I end up in a relationship
I have struggled so much in previous relationships because of exactly what you mention in tip #2. There is a huge cultural expectation that mens sexual needs take priority and it's all chalked up to testosterone. Well now I'm the one on testosterone and guess what? I still have a much lower sex drive than my partner - turns out I'm ace! When I started dating my current partner I made a promise to myself that I would no longer have sex that I didn't want to have. Life changing! Definitely not only applicable for a-spec people.
I totally agree that a safe word is so useful outside of more intense stuff. I have one for basic stuff just so my partner, when i have one, knows its not that i dont want him when i need to stop. Oo the nonverbal ques too! I love that! I use socks, i have certain pairs i only wear when im in the mood. 😊
This was so well-handled, Taylor. It's a difficult subject, and I don't even know how to comment without saying more than I probably should. To keep things vague, I agree that it's so important to keep an open mind about touch and intimacy when one or both partners is neurodivergent. I'm 8 years into my relationship with my partner and I was just diagnosed this year - we've done a lot of adapting and a lot of communicating lately. There are so many things that I'm just now understanding about how my mind and body operate, and therefore I'm finally able to communicate the "why" behind my preferences. It's not always easy but it's also empowering to have words now and a partner who is willing to hear them. ❤
Thank you for your openness and honesty -but since having any sort of close relationship seems beyond me -knowing I am Autistic hasn't actually changed anything ...
Once again hitting it out of the park, Taylor! Thank you for this “episode” and the entire series! I keep learning new things…and having other things validated makes me feel much less alone! My partner and I have a schedule and at first it seemed so unromantic. But it has taken the guess work out of wondering if the other person was in the mood or not which was a huge source of anxiety before. That alone has made the whole experience better. Another thing we talked about early on…albeit with lots of cringe…was words that weren’t “safe”. For instance…and hopefully without too much TMI…I hate the word panties. Always have. So for me that was a no go. Having that conversation was anxiety-producing but it was gonna be worse if I didn’t say something. So in a choice between anxiety and hell, I reasoned that anxiety was more tolerable😂
I HATE THAT WORD TOO!! 🫣 omgsh thanks for sharing 😅 and yes the scheduling may seem unromantic but it actually clears up other anxiety and creates more space for intimacy. 💕
I find that a lot of autistic people in my life that are sexually active, actully leans over to the kink side! I have a good friend who loves puppy play, and are exploring other kinky things like electic stuff, spankings and that kinda thing ❤ I heard from many that roleplaying in some form can be helpfull. Sharing porn too, like watching something or looking at pictures that gets you in the mood! To me blindfolding has helped a ton, because i dont know what to do with my eyes, open or closed, eyecontact or not. Many like masturbation, alone or together! I think there are so many fun ways to have sex but our standard is a hetrosexual couple, laying on top of eachother moaning for 5 minutes and then its done. And it can be that, but it can also be so much more if that isnt doing it for you! I do have some sexual trauma, especially from privous relationships - i dont like penetration, it hurts badly, i usually rip, and that takes about 5-7 days before it heals.. So while we figure out what is up and down, can we "fix" the rip or something, we have sex in other ways and its more engaging to me! I love toutch, especially soft toutch, so thats a big part of it!
Thank you! For so many years I thought there was something wrong with me when this affected my relationships. I didn't realise my struggles were related to being autistic as I hadn't heard anyone talk about this before. I hope this video will help me to work out how I feel, with compassion towards myself rather than beating myself up for never seeming to get any of this 'right'. Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for doing videos on this subject! It's hard enough to have information on sexuality even in the neurotypical space. To say that info on intimacy from a neurodivergent POV is little is an understatement. Keep up the awesome work you're doing.
Taylor, thank you for this! Lots of helpful tips! I’m also looking for more of a conversation about exploring/honoring sensory sensitivities with sex. Would love if you addressed this in future videos if you decide to continue the series.
Thanks Taylor. I do not like being touched unless it is by a woman I am attracted to. I have gotten better at drawing boundaries with people. And I hate it when I feel like I am pressing someone's boundaries or someone is pressing mine.
Yes, thank you for covering this topic. As a fellow neurodivergent and non-biinary human and someone who is a social worker/ coach, I find this topic is so important. And I think you did a very good job introducing this topic! Keep doing what you are doing!
It's awesome to see this talked about directly and without shame. We are physical beings and connection and intimacy on those levels is an important piece of most (not all, but most) people's well-being. We aren't an exception. My own experiences have had overlaps with what you talk about but I've found that being able to process the emotional and relational side of things within the right space of time is the most limiting barrier for me. Being able to process how I feel about a particular partner, what I desire and want with them, how I feel about that, what I want to do about it. Then discerning and processing as much of the same from them as possible through direct and indirect communication. Then processing how I feel about that and if there's acceptable congruence. AND THEN figuring out if there's sufficient emotional and relational trust and safety for me to be vulnerable in the necessary ways. Will I be safe to go slow, not know what I want and need in the moment, be actively discovering that, all while trying to be receptive and responsive to what my partner wants and needs AND while navigating the intensity of so much sensory stimulus to be overwhelmed by that alone.
Instead of just one safe word, I find a traffic light color system works really well: Red - Stop everything immediately, let me calm down and let's talk through what went wrong. Amber/Yellow - Keep going, but slow down the intensity, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Green - All good, please keep doing what you're doing. The amber/yellow thing is great because it stops me from worrying that I need to stop an encounter because I'm feeling overwhelmed, allows us to reset our pace to something comfortable and dispel the anxiety.
I really felt that love and the road to getting a love life destroyed my happiness. (ever since my 11th) so later I eradicated it from my social being. together with the tools used to get there, and so overcoming being addicted to substances also. 20 + years later now and 59 thinking about giving it a chance again. but I am insecure about it and wonder if it ever will come that far. glad to have found this, I think it might help me.
The transition to physical touch. It's been a while. Long story. Walks etc doing things together is awesome to. A lamp. Ok never thought of that . Spoon theory. I just heard the definition from you for the first time or I am about to. I needed to learn this. I will create a list of things that need to be done everyday at home and I am looking forward to getting involved in so much more. I took care of my mother here until she passed and then covid hit. So, I never moved back to downtown Nashville. I definitely miss it. Yeah, I think I have about 1 spoon left right now. I wake up before daylight everyday and I am probably not resting as much as I need to. I am still watching and listening. I still have no idea if I have autism as well as the ADHD I have been diagnosed with. I write to much also. More than I plan to almost always.
"Party bulbs" are LED light bulbs that put out a dozen different color light and a dozen different brighness levels. I have used them to great effect to communicate friskiness and hunger type with partners. All it takes is a basic agreement of what the three either RGB or CYMK colors are. The different combined colors and varying brighnesses can very easily communicate a very particular sets of desires or what you're receptive to. You have an exhaustive set of variables and the bulbs come with little credit card sized remotes. With 100-150 color and brigtness options, you can imagine the effectiveness.
Oh, she turned the Party Bulb on and it's a bright pinkish lavender. I don't need too many definitions to know what I am feeling when I see the bulb. That tells me that my partner is not just receptive, but in need due to the brighness and they are probably looking for q lot of sweet, romantic, physical affection. Many humans have intrinsic color emotions and we instantly understand that brighter means hotter. We typically associate richer colors with more intense flavor. I love that the lamp idea was touched on. I hope someone tries taking a step further with the color idea.
I actually like discussing boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc with a new partner before ever getting intimate. If done right, it can be super hot! I love these videos, so much excellent advice.
Great tips. Along with the safe word I would like the add the idea of a “safe touch” for those of us who find verbalizing during moments of overwhelm. My husband and I use the “tap out” touch pattern that wrestlers use to signal “stop everything” It’s absolutely necessary.
Amazing video Taylor; you handled this sensitive subject delicately and respectfully; each point is so important and gave lots of guidance for thought and action processes surrounding intimacy. Gracefully and compassionately done 🙂🍀
All these things you brought up is why I feel so much safer and more comfortable in the bdsm community tbh! I feel like specifically in bdsm there's a huge focus on trust, honesty and talking things through first. As well as things such as soft and hard limits. And I think this is something that should be more normalized in vanilla spaces too!
Thank you for standing your ground about speaking to these topics. Good boundaries. You're helping people, keep standing up against the negative feedback because you have every right to share your insights on these issues.
Thank you so much for this. At 66, I've never figured sex out, just avoided it. Thank you for permission to not just do what is expected of me which always felt gross.
This is such a wonderful resource! I found that lots of learning through content creators helped me to navigate my own boundaries and get comfortable with them well before trying it with anyone else, and it was incredibly helpful.
I love that idea of the nonverbal cue! A shame I have no one in my life currently to incorporate that with, but I can still appreciate it. When I did have someone, I was very good at making my feelings (and state of accessibility) known, but still... I love the idea of spoon theory. Again, learned it too late to add it to my toolbox, but still... The term ''bandwidth'' also works. Consider how sexy it is to build intimacy when your partner comes to you and says "Teach me how to add to your supply of spoons". It's not just putting it on YOU to tell him/her/they how to fulfill that need in the moment, but learn the parameters and generalize out from there (because having to come up with ways your partner could add more spoons may actually COST spoons, and could turn into a net loss). It seems to me unforced intimacy is a 'spoon-generator'. Actually, curiosity is also a 'spoon-generator'; at least for me, I find it very exciting and energizing to learn new things, solve a present puzzle, understand a new area or component of life.
a topic you didn't touch upon - and it's not an easy one - is the link between fetishism and autism. Not every kinkster is autistic, but ... there seems to be a trend.
Thank you for talking about this. Weird that my husband and I were just discussing it a few weeks ago for the first time in years. It became a taboo subject. He is NT but came from an abusive first marriage as I did, and i am AuDHD. Add that to having two ways of thinking and it just got swept under the rug. I see some of my issues in your video with solutions. I appreciate that. Why is this such a hard topic anyway?
I think because there is a lot of shame around the subject and that makes it harder to talk about it. Part of the reason I want to have these discussions is bc I believe when we bring some of these tough convos into the light we can see we are not alone and there is support out there.
I really appreciate what you are doing here. My partners has not openly told me she is on the spectrum, she may not know, but what you are describing is so right on and explains so much. what I perceive as mixed signals and so different from all other sexual experiences I have had in the past. We have been together six years and this is the most difficult place for us. Thank you so much, I am definitely going to use this info in my approach to our intimacy.
Thanks Taylor for making this content. You manage to illuminate an awkward subject in a bold yet sensitive way. It's really inspiring! I received my ASD diagnosis this week at the age of 53, which feels like the end of a long road and also the start of a new journey. You are my favourite RU-vidr for autism content. Thank you for sharing everything you are learning. I love your energy and vibe.
It can be hard when your partner has a different level of libido and when your thoughts of how well you think your sex life is going is different from theirs
Yes. That definitely complicates things. I think it’s also important to explore other avenues of connection, and also different types of physical connection.
I imagine that many autistic people aren't a fan of this subject, because it is so easy for us to be victims of SA. Especially at a young age when we struggle to get what we need and to communicate. But thank you for showing a light on this subject.
I feel like I have so many barriers to having a physical relationship with my wife. One, I have MS and she has anxiety disorder. Those two make for a bad mix. She's often looking at me wondering if my MS is flaring up. Her anxiety can cause her to be aggressive which I can't take. I will not fight through the day and then try to be romantic in the evening. I will take my needs into my own hand, literally.
Love these tips! I’m excited to try the tip on building in a transition. I do have a question. Do you have any tips for dealing with all the physical sensations of sex (the sounds, smells, feelings)? I find I get lost in the moment only to get pulled out by some strange sound or a touch that’s too much. Music or tv in the background helps with the quiet sounds, maybe I just need to turn the volume up? Is wearing headphones too weird? Lol life is weird. I do have tips for smells and that is to use lubes that smell very neutral, which has been hard to find. I recommend coconu for oil based and slippery stuff for water based. They have mild smells if your up close but at a distance aren’t noticeable. Also female condoms that are made of nitrile have almost no smell, compared to latex male condoms which make me wanna vom 🤮 🤢.
These are great tips! I think if headphones help you then it’s not weird it’s just your own unique style! 😎 maybe we can explore more of this topic in a future vid. Thanks for the suggestion!
Wow been waiting for this one & was well worth the wait Taylor! It was enlightening/illuminating jammed pak full of xactly what I need 2 know ~ I'm even more strongly attracted to my autist interest if auties like detail instructions & I enjoy talking/working in details, discovering/exploring with laughing as my 2nd favorite drug of choice ~ I know now with out a doubt it's gonna be fun/memorable/well worth it all eh!?!!8:43Pm3/22/2024
Thank you for the video! On a side note, I adore your shirt! Do you have a reference of where you got it, or a picture? I really wanted to paint the patterns, the colors are so pretty together.
YES! I'm hoping to get a partnership with them soon. I LOVE THEIR CLOTHES: shopdressup.com/collections/shirts-blouses/products/graciously-glam-blue-satin-blouse?_pos=8&_fid=23dc08ce2&_ss=c
It is very important to know what you want and express it to your partner. At the same time, your partner should be able to create an environment where you feel safe expressing your needs and desires. I'm acutely attuned to what my partner wants, If I feel that they are not into what I'm doing, then I'm going to stop and ask what is going on. It would also be a good idea for some people to take a page from the BDSM world and "negotiate a scene" prior to engaging in sex with a new partner, or when introducing new elements. What does it mean? It means that I lay down what I want to do to my partner and what I want them to do to me. It helps avoid surprises. We can discuss what elements they'd like, and what they'd want me to avoid. Some people were keen with opening our encounter with some specific act, some wanted it later. That's all fine. My aim is always to please my partners. Some people might think that it "ruins the mood" somehow if you know what is going to happen. Neither me nor my partners have had an issue of this type. As you grow to know each other, you can eventually dispense with negotiating scenes, unless you are bringing in a new element into the bedroom. I'll also note that negotiation does not prevent spontaneity. I've had nice spontaneous encounters, when my partner and I were ready for it.
When I like a guy, I tend to both get nervous and not swallow my spit as much (I naturally have excessive saliva problem anyway) and I want to talk a lot to impress him by sharing things I know. With my boyfriend, my way of being intimate is to talk about things I'm passionate about nonstop. But then again, I do that already, so maybe to me intimacy is to be myself but with more saliva, haha. As far as physical affection goes, he seems okay with the fact I'm far less physically affectionate than his previous girlfriends. By autistic standards I'm unusually physically affectionate but by neurotypical standards I can come across as cold and distant. I mean, I've been dating for a couple months and the most physical intimacy we do is me putting my arm around him (I'm taller than him) or the occasional hug. We haven't even had our first kiss. Thankfully my boyfriend is accepting and understanding. I allow him to "play solo" to me in my presence and find it really sweet when he does that (and I do the same thing with myself to him). I hope the details I gave weren't inappropriate or TMI, I apologize if they were.
Sexual intimacy gives spoon and lot spoons. I don't get why. Even a long hug can give me spoon back. Not having that I run out of spoons faster. Notice this when my is away visiting her month and I'm home alone. She's always wondering why I'm going to bed early. It's that I don't have that spoon I get from hug after work. That and all routines are gone and changed. I enjoy the time alone though too. It's just tires me out a lot more at the same time.
Brown Chicken Brown Cowww ❤💃🕴❤ your covering every base of life 🎉😇 so cool.....thank you for sharing your perspectives and perceptions so freely helping others
I’m so extremely ticklish…it’s an issue. And sometimes I can’t stop focusing on my “narrow interest areas,” (as in the causes I’m passionate about and things I research obsessively), or something else totally unrelated.
being a people pleaser is a big mess here I guess. Also the traditional hetero stereotypes: she "must please her partner"; he "must be ready always and at all times". For me the issues has always been on the emotional side (demisexual), the "macho latino" model is a role that I have never felt comfortable with, but it's what the majority of the NT population demands, it's the cultural expectancy . So, as a male you can't feel safe being vulnerable, there isn't much room for that. Then you end up, most of the time, trying to mask a lot of things related to the relationship, and it becomes stressful, until either you or the relationship, or both, breaks down
Personally, I tend to just overthink things during sex and be really unsure of what to do, how to act, where to put my hands,... what the other person expects of me, basically. Which is probably part of the reason why I like dominant guys who take charge and tell me what to do in the bedroom xD. Takes some of the guesswork out of it and frees up my mind so I can actually focus on the experience and enjoy it.
If people are emailing you in the tone of anger about these topics- GET A LIFE…. Also what you watch on RU-vid, your phone will show you more of, so ENJOY! 😂
In my local kink community there seem to be a lot of neurodivergent people. I have always wondered wether there is a link between neurodivergence and kinky lifestyles and fetishism. It would be interesting to hear your thoughts/ research about this.
Hey, I have a question/situation for anyone to answer/give their opinion on if possible: I am being pressured to get a mandatory pap smear for my work. I don't know if it's the autism, or the asexuality, or just me, but just the idea of it gives me intense anxiety and a vehement NO feeling. They keep asking me why I won't do it, but I've never been sexually assaulted or anything like that, and I don't know why, and I can't think of anything reasonable to tell them, so I just keep saying it doesn't matter why because there is nothing anyone can say that will make me let anyone touch me. I don't know if they can kick me out for refusing, or punish me (I'm in the military and it's a requirement to be deployment ready), but I'm not going to budge and the doctor said their next step was to go to my command about it. I'm not looking for anyone to try to convince me that I'm silly and it's important for my health and to just do it. I would like to know if anyone else had something like this happen. Or possibly know why I feel like this- if it's the autism or asexuality or just me. Or, I don't really know what I'm looking for, I just know that nothing will change my mind about allowing it. Anyone have any advice?
@@knrdvmmlbkkn No they didn't. Which is why I said, "if". If they have had sex then cervical cancer is a concern. I hate those exams with a passion. I was sexually assaulted as a child. But I get them occasionally because I don't want advanced cancer which would mean operating down there. That would be worse.
That they basically own me for the next four years, but we still have certain rights- I just don't know the extent of them. I have to follow lawful orders, but I don't know if it's lawful to make me for something like this. I asked legal but they said that this is my command's issue, and I don't want to outright ask them or bring it up until medical brings it up to them. I don't know how I'm going to react in real time because I really struggle with conversations like this and just kind of... glitch or stop working as a human. They don't know that I'm autistic, and even if they did, I'm not even sure if this is an autism issue or just a me one. Just the thought of the conversation has me panicking and I can't even get through planning what I might say because mental me starts having a meltdown so I start planning how to escape and hide instead.@@knrdvmmlbkkn
You guys are having sex? 😟 Sex is one of my special interests, but it often caused me incredible anxiety, even though I needed it. Rejection of my needs was the rule, and it really hurt me, until one day… it didn’t. I haven’t mated in 13 years, but just celebrated my 22nd anniversary. I’m not old. I was married at twenty. I’m not the only one living this way, right?
This video I did might be helpful in terms of understanding different sexual experiences/preferences: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-CSyzP1y16iA.htmlsi=a9bFpSOgTloCh9zs
What makes sexual intimacy difficult for me as an autistic person is I have autogynephilia, gynandromorphophilia, fecalphilia and macrophilia and have had them for as long as I can remember (age 5 or earlier) and it's like how do I navigate this? I already have trouble with understanding social norms and this just makes it so much worse. Im a 30 year old virgin and this is largely why
Thankfully this advice will never be needed, i'm never getting near another human being in that way >.< And to be fair, i wouldn't want to, seems kind of cruel to risk forcing my condition upon them knowingly
