Should You Practice Non-Attachment With Those Closest to You?

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The practice of non-attachment to all things is at the heart of Buddhism. How can we work with such a practice though when it comes to those closest to us: our friends and family? We will consider this problem and how in fact a non-attached approach may actually be the healthiest and most skillful even in these situations.
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Опубликовано:

20 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 100

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Free mini-course at the Online Dharma Institute: onlinedharma.org!

@mickmo5242 3 года назад

Ya that's what this is all about. PAID courses, the free course is good advertising. Only the WISE SEE TRUTH

@scarlettfarrow633 3 года назад

Thank you for a thought provoking video Doug. Another aspect of non-attachment with those closest to you is when you are in a relationship with someone who is instinctively non-attached. It can be unnerving at first as it can feel that they don 't care about you and the tendency is to think you are not important to them. It takes time to realise it is a thing to be grateful for and to enjoy, as they enable you to grow without trying to control you.

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

Yes that's exactly right Scarlett. It's a delicate balance though in a relationship, and hard to get just right.

@diyaroso3806 4 года назад

In fact all of us Confused between attachment and Love

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Yes Diyar it often seems very hard to distinguish them.

@mickmo5242 4 года назад

Because its the same

@nikkinorman4254 3 года назад

@@mickmo5242 Attachment is controlling something, loving is letting something be

@mickmo5242 3 года назад

@@nikkinorman4254 So you'd let your kid run into the street and get run over? Or you'd let your kid steal? Real LOVE is controlling in some ways. You obviously don't know.

@lz6027 3 года назад

@@mickmo5242 I can see your point of view too. I think that by nature we interact with each other alas has a cause and effect by that. Love has many forms and it can come up in endless expressions. In fact love is all in a very "assumed" sense is true. An other point is that many people who practice detachment from certain people is actually the product of fear and suffering that would the eventual attachment can carry. I think that attachment many times is important for us to learn lessons and change ourselves by the doing of that other person we got attached to. I think we must always maintain a sense of balance between detachment and attachment.

@clairebradbury11 4 года назад

Thank you for clarifying these points. I hadn't thought of attachment as being so negative, as being similar to possession. Though I still feel that some degree of attachment is necessary in our society for it to work. We need to take care of our family, if we don't society would break down. We can't disgard parents or children. Though I agree that we need to give people their space. I think this is an interesting area which I need to work on more

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Exactly so Claire. Indeed the Buddha also argued that we have a responsibility towards our parents and children, there is no denying that. We also have responsibilities towards our family: this is part of the fourth precept after all. So it should be seen as a nuanced position.

@xiaomaozen 3 года назад

In my opinion, practicing non-attachment with those closest to us is the ultimate battle ground where we can see Mara showing his ugliest face. And that's exactly the place where in-depth transformation can take place - if only we are willing to look deep into Mara's eyes. It might take years, but if I could/can do it, *everyone* can do it! 😘👹

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

That's right xiao mao, it's difficult but I think we can make progress.

@ChristopherBastian334 4 года назад

Thank you for this video, Doug! I’ve had this topic on my mind for some time now.

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Yes it's been on my mind as well, glad you found it useful Christopher!

@neshimanati 4 года назад

I find that there are people who, perhaps out of their own sense of attachment, don't really want that freedom, they feel they need someone to feel attachment to them. To me this is so strange because I prefer neither attachment nor detachment; I much prefer the middle-way of feeling good with someone and feeling just as good without them. It's fine as a state of mind and an attitude, the practice of it is a whole other story. Thank you for these "LEDS to LIFE" videos :)

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

That’s right Anati, it also depends on the person we’re with. With most people we may be OK if they are around or not but then we will find someone that we click with, and it can be difficult to remain non attached. 🙂

@neshimanati 4 года назад

@@DougsDharma I was "fortunate" to learn about detachment early in life, so non-detachment is a practice that comes perhaps too easily for me.

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Ah yes, well this is the flip side of the coin: aversion rather than greed becomes the issue. We all have to deal with both, but circumstances can make one dominant rather than the other.

@moanapooh9726 2 года назад

yes. There's pros and cons of being overly attached and being avoidant attached. And I felt it all. I want to feel loved and cared for but I don't want to depend ALL my life on them yk? Like middle ground balance because you DO need a certain level of attachment on others to ACTUALLY form loving relationships :)))

@uuutuuube3691 4 года назад

You are at your best when you give of yourself. Thanks Doug

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

You're very welcome john, glad you found it worthwhile.

@jacindadao3814 2 года назад

This really helped me understand my past and current relationships. In the past I would feel intense jealousy, was always suspicious of partner’s actions. I was not true love but I was lying to myself that it was. In my current one, I feel so much love to the point where if my partner told me we should separate because it is what they needed, I would almost (strangely?) gladly accept because I just LOVE and trust them so much that I knew whatever choice THEY make is the best for them. Thank you Doug

@DougsDharma 2 года назад

Glad to help, Jacinda. 🙏😊

@jfh09 Год назад

Great videos, Doug! Thank you so much :)

@DougsDharma Год назад

Glad you like them! 🙏

@paulomoreira995 Год назад

I am about to leave brazil and im having a difficult time detaching from my mother, this helped me a lot.

@DougsDharma Год назад

So glad to hear it was helpful to you!

@sidstovell2177 4 года назад

Watching a late middle-aged couple preparing to see their beloved, cossetted, only child go off to college in a different country. And remembering what that was like. Thank you, Doug for another informative, helpful talk. As to family attachment; it helps to move away to a different country, that they're never going to visit.

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Ha! Yes Sid that’s definitely one strategy to use, though we should also be alert to avoidance when it arises. 🙂

@sidstovell2177 4 года назад

@@DougsDharma Nice one, Doug.

@scarlettfarrow633 3 года назад

Ha! Sid I did that - and speaking from that experience Doug's comment was absolutely right!

@Mantras-and-Mystics Год назад

@@scarlettfarrow633 Did that myself but found I took them all with me. 😂

@mickmo5242 3 года назад

I had the biggest @sshole emotionally abusive spew this same garbage. When my dog died he said it was becuase of an attachment when I was still crying a month later. Yet he was still crying about the loss of his parents 10 years later and I never told him it's becuase he was attached to his parents and shouldn't still be. Eveyone grieves in their own time and grieving comes from attachment, which just means a lasting emotional bond. Grieving is normal and healthy, everyone who's tried to tell me otherwise has been completely out of touch and they never let themselves get attached to anyone and just end up hurting anyone in their life. Controlling and attachment are not the same. In fact everyone who has been controlling in my life was not attached at all. They had no issue dropping me at all when they couldn't control me.

@moanapooh9726 2 года назад

well said

@MjF809 10 месяцев назад

Hi Doug, I believe non attachment is correct with my daughter. My daughter is from God through me...yet she is her own identity, her own soul. I give her a mentor, encouragement, unconditional love , yet she is her own person. She is not my idenity. In the Western world were we are...there is alot of possesive, and enmeshment with parents and children. Thank you for this video.

@DougsDharma 10 месяцев назад

Glad to help. 🙏

@Kayronator 3 года назад

Nonattachment is the key to unconditional love.

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

Yes I think that's right András.

@paulomoreira995 Год назад

amazing as always, thanks for you teachings ;-)

@DougsDharma Год назад

My pleasure! 🙏

@ayesharashid03 3 года назад

Thank you so much for this video!

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

You’re very welcome Ayesha.

@coldhart79 3 года назад

Doug, it certainly help me alot. 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

You're very welcome Keith, I'm glad you're finding the videos helpful! Be well. 🙏

@thegreatest_ar1813 4 года назад

Thank you 🙏 for the knowledge.

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

My pleasure Adrian! 🙏

@jean-michellaurora1854 3 года назад

Thank you very much for this video!

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

You're very welcome! 🙏

@kylebarnett9234 4 года назад

Hey doug. I would love to hear some thoughts and ideas or perspectives from you on hinduism, if you have heard anything from it, abd maybe some connections and differences to buddhism and hinduism. Particularly more so vedanta hinduism, with ramakrishna and swami vivekananda. Since they tend to be the most popular but also an all encompassing philosophy which has a small amount of relgious belief but mainly is more philosophical. There are alot of amazing differences and similarities between Hinduism and buddhism. Such as all self or brahman vs no self or anatta. Or the hindu idea of the four paths of yoga, karma, raja, bhakti, and Ghana. It would be interesting to look into. Thanks again for your videos.

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Thanks for the suggestion Kyle. My focus is generally on early Buddhism, which means I do a certain number of comparisons from time to time with approaches such as Jainism or Vedic Brahmanism. The latter, Vedic Brahmanism, eventually became Hinduism around the early centuries of the common era. Hinduism in general is a later development, and much of it (such as Yoga and Advaita Vedanta) grew up in dialogue with Buddhism. It's a bit outside of the scope of what I do here, and my knowledge of the relevant academic research is limited, so it will have to wait. If I find out interesting things that can be distilled down to a video or two I might do something.

@lorenzomuratori2462 3 года назад

Thank you!

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

You're very welcome Lorenzo!

@noahdanielg 4 года назад

Thanks Doug! I heard it explained as the Buddha teaching that attachment in itself is not wrong, as long as it comes from a place of loving compassion towards friends and loved ones, but when it becomes possessive or dependent, it is ego-ic and should be let go of. Compassion and selfless emphaty should guide attachments, is that right?

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Well I guess it depends what we mean by "attachment". As I understand it, attachment is the problem we are trying to overcome; it cannot come from a place of true lovingkindness or compassion since it is essentially egoistically directed. So we should substitute selfless kindness and compassion for attachment insofar as we can, and understanding that this is a very difficult practice that will take a long time to perfect if indeed we ever can do so.

@upulieh 3 года назад

Well, we here could be taken as a group of people practicing dharma together. 😅💪🏾

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

Yes exactly Upulie! 👍🙏🙂

@chhattebuhr 4 года назад

I wanna thank you for the informative content on your channel, Doug. I also would like to ask you a question about attaching to certain rules in daily life. Isn't it necessary to live by certain rules in your life to structure it instead of not attaching to them ? This might be especially true for lay people living in today's society. Also...wouldn't following the principles of the dharma be a form of attachment as well ? I feel a little confused so I would really like to hear your opinion on this aspect.

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Right yes Rocking, the Buddha did provide "five precepts" to live by for laypeople, and other similarly simple rules. And also yes, following the dharma *can* become a form of attachment, if we become emotionally involved in it and identified with it. But that mostly becomes a problem as we get quite far along.

@chhattebuhr 4 года назад

@@DougsDharma Thank you for the kind reply. I wonder which rules were also set up by the Buddha for laypeople besides the five precepts. I guess it's probably a good idea to live by certain rules as a guidance while understanding that these rules could change anytime.

@NaNNaN-sh4vz 2 года назад

Thank you for this video

@DougsDharma 2 года назад

My pleasure!

@bertolomew 4 года назад

And "suffering about love"? I usually be in pain seeing the suffering of people i love. Do you think this is 'attachment'? I struggle to fight with it every day.... Thanks a lot for your videos Doug!

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Good question alberto, it certainly can be from attachment. It can also be from taking too much of a practice of empathy, which can become debilitating. See my video on the history of Buddhist compassion meditation: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-FVpdon6YErY.html

@bertolomew 4 года назад

@@DougsDharma Thanks for your answer... I appreciate it so much! #truly

@kellykizer6718 Год назад

If it would not have been that particular person it would have been some one else. It's apart of growing up it's a process you either learn from it and grow out of it or you stay stuck in arrested development and you retard your growth.

@mickmo5242 3 года назад

I agree that what you are describing as Attachment is unhealthy like being controlling. But I dont think that's what attachment actually means. To me and my most definitions attachement just means a strong emotional bond. It does not have to be unhealthy. In most of these condition based cases you described, for example the wife who only stays with her husband for his money does not have an emotional bond to him, as soon as she can't control him anymore with getting the money she wants, she will leave. That's the opposite of an emotional bond.

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

Well in the case you're describing it sounds like the wife has a strong emotional bond to money. In any case of a strong emotional bond, dukkha is the result when that bond is threatened by inevitable change. This is the problem with emotional bonds like the sort we're discussing.

@iscreamforicecream7066 2 года назад

Do you believe it possible to be both attached, and genuinely in love with someone at the same time? And how do we let go of this attachment and allow ourselves to embrace the genuine love ?

@DougsDharma 2 года назад

Yes I think probably for most of us our feelings for our loved ones is going to be a mix of both. Letting go of attachment is going to be a long process. The practice for this is just the basic Buddhist practice involving the Eightfold Path.

@gerhardbraatz6305 2 года назад

Sounds like attachment and suffocation are synonymous, a sort of clinging.

@DougsDharma 2 года назад

Yes, suffocation is an extreme form of attachment.

@zack-vk2nm 4 года назад

So how do you put this in to practice? I mean it's one thing to say I want what makes you happy then to actually convenience your emotions that you want what makes those close to you happy for them

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

It's a long process, and there is no quick way to practice and achieve the end of non-attachment. A practice of non-attachment involves mindfulness meditation, meditation on the non-self character of experience, on dukkha, on change. It involves basically all of Buddhist practice.

@zack-vk2nm 4 года назад

@@DougsDharma thank you this is something I've been struggling with a lot recently in my daily life and I was concerned that maybe there was simply something wrong with me that I had to achieve it over night that feeling as though you should have a say as to what happens in someone's life is non human and I should feel ashamed by it I still feel ashamed by it because I feel as though it is wrong to lead someone to believe that they must appease you because we are all human and no one is really any better than the other but your video and reply has helped me to see that maybe some of it is natural and it's not something I can fix overnight but maybe it can be achieved

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Yes, it's very difficult but we can make a little progress at least over time through practice. I'll aim to do a video about this problem down the road.

@timeandattention3945 3 года назад

at the core of attachment is fear and selfishness.

@DougsDharma 3 года назад

Yes I think that's right. Thanks Lebohang.

@mickmo5242 4 года назад

It's def a calmer life but means you aren't loving anything which is just a sad loveless life

@DougsDharma 4 года назад

Ah, I don't think so. Attachment isn't really love, it's an ego-driven desire to have others like us. True kindness and true love are non-attached.

@nikkinorman4254 3 года назад

@@DougsDharma Exactly, you can love something and try not to control it. A good example would be animals.. they love you yet they don't try to change you

@mickmo5242 3 года назад

@@nikkinorman4254 Ok so you'd let your cat run out the door and probably get killed? Y'all have no idea what you're saying. You're just repeating what you've heard. Take it from someone who spent 9 years in isolation. I know TRUTH because truth comes from INNER KNOWING NOT what you've heard.

@mickmo5242 3 года назад

@@DougsDharma You HAVE TO BE ATTACHED IN ANY RELATIONSHIP or you never cared about them to begin with. If you were friends with someone for 10 years or had a pet and they disappear from your life one day, you will miss them dearly and it will hurt. If you don't, then you never loved them to begin with. Attachment means an enduring emotional bond. It can be healthy or not. It's up to the individual.

@dazknight9326 7 месяцев назад

If it is people close to you, you can love and still love them making their choices in life. Either way they are the same person. I am not talking extreme choices or choices to rob or steal here, their own path in life. Archangel Michael

@jamisedenari2449 2 года назад

So how do you practice non attachment with siblings that you have helped raise and who you see may be making bad choices?

@DougsDharma 2 года назад

Well, maybe you realize that you cannot change another person if they don’t want to change. Treat them with kindness and compassion, but also with self-compassion.

@jamisedenari2449 2 года назад

@@DougsDharma I get that. But should I just seperate from them completely ? Because dealing with them causes me anxiety

@DipayanPyne94 2 года назад

@@DougsDharma Well, Doug, that sounds so relatable. I have a loved one who is ruining our family's lives because of his impatience. Should I try to change him ? Or should I leave him be ? I need help, ASAP !