Supporting foster children who showcases the fawn trauma response 

Thank you so much for realizing a kids “yes” may be less of a “yeah let’s do it!” And more a “anything that will keep the peace”. Showing kids that it’s okay to be unhappy is so so SO important.

Fawning can go undetected for so long because these kids may "function" so well in our systems. And then with time, the fawning becomes a real problem. Thank you so much for noticing and bringing it up so it can be softened early and kids grow into using their voices and having healthy boundaries

I'm 26 and display fawning behavior. This video made me reflect on the number one thing I was complimented on growing up, being "polite". Looking at it, that meant quiet and obedient. It was my mother's pride how "polite" I was.

This is definitely one response that bears looking at from a safety perspective. Children that are extremely compliant (whether it is a trauma response or a personality trait) are in danger of being exploited by ill intentioned adults or by their peers. So it becomes really important to model and reinforce autonomy (especially body autonomy) with very compliant children. Teaching children to say "no" in many different types of situations and what to do when someone doesn't take no for an answer are important life lessons for every child, especially where safety is concerned.

I especially like the part about celebrating their strengths that aren't about how helpful or agreeable they are. It's easy to forget that you have worth in ways other than what you can do for others.

I am a fawn responder. My parents found me especially easy to parent in comparison to my siblings. I was also taken advantage of as an adult because of this behavior. And a lot of failed relationships. And suicide attempts. Because I never let anyone know how much I was suffering. Keep the peace. Expect the worse to happen if I told anyone my suffering. I've only really now started letting people know how they impact me. Or saying "no." I appreciate the work that you do to ensure these children learn to advocate for themselves. It is so so so important for their own safety.

Thank you for this, our adopted daughter does this (only been here 6 weeks) it's so handy to show people to explain what she's doing!

My inner child really wants to have you around to feel safe. You do a great job.

I was never in foster care but grew up with abuse at home. I wish even one adult in my life had recognized this and not just praised me for being helpful and a "good kid." Thanks for educating people on this.

I never knew how much of my behavior was made up of trauma responses until a couple years ago. I was always taking care of others (often neglecting myself and my needs/wants because me wanting something for JUST myself was selfish), was a constant people pleaser, avoided conflict at all costs, I was constantly guilt tripped if I didn’t want to do something/give something up, threats or violence and threats that my family would abandon me on the side of the road, comments about my appearance, etc… Not to mention almost everyone on my family has had some sort of addiction. Then I had a mental breakdown my sophomore year of highschool and it was like my personality had a factory reset. I started taking care of myself and ONLY myself, became way more suspicious of people who were ‘just being nice’ because I assumed they just wanted something, I never accepted compliments about me, and I was generally just very closed off since. And I’m not even adopted or a foster kid. This is my biological family.

putting them in pretend situations where they HAVE to say no is actually such a good idea!

This video resonated with me so much. I am in my mid-thirties and I am just slowly learning to voice my opinion. Unfortunately, my mom used to get mad because I grew and needed new clothes (we were poor) and this had a big impact on me. I always admired ppl who can fearlessly express theor wishes. Good luck to everyone who is trying to put an end to being pleasant all the time! You can do it!

What do you do when you don't feel that a child will be safe after reunification? I know you probably talk to the social worker, etc. but there must be situations where you aren't given a choice and you know you're probably sending a child back to a bad situation. This is what keeps me from wanting to become a foster parent...I don't know that I could support reunification if the child was afraid to go back or I suspected that the parents were just putting on a show temporarily to get them back (before I get attacked in the comments, I support reunification, I just know that it's not always in the best interest of a child...I see lots and lots of comments on these videos from former foster kids who were sent back to their parents and experienced trauma)

Important note about fawning. It not only reinforces this people pleasing behavior, it also desensitizes the child to compliments. If the child is already displaying anxious behavior (like I did) they may start to question the sincerity of compliments. Part of the agreeableness may be a “humbleness” that is actually a lack of self worth. If a child brushes off compliments or says things are “no problem” they may just not know how to accept a compliment, or they think that you can’t be sincere because they aren’t worth the compliment. I wish I could’ve had someone like you in my life as a child. I acted exactly the way this child did due to early trauma and due to continued emotional abuse, I’m only just now learning to stand up for myself as an adult.

Yeah i learned about the Fawn 4th F of Fight/Flight/Freeze trauma responses around maybe 4 or 5 years ago when i was 28 or 29 years old, some great blog posts on people pleasing as a trauma response opened my eyes to it and i had so much of that ingrained in me still at that point after being raised by an abusive mother who displayed narcissistic traits and who likely had borderline personality disorder. I was conditioned from such a young age to try my best to make her happy because her alcoholic/ narcissistic/BPD rage could get triggered by the littlest thing and ruin hours of the day. I love how you're giving us concrete things we can do to help these children. I want to be a foster parent and it's so good to keep in mind all the little ways we help model that people pleasing isn't the only way, prioritize what actually matters to them, and help empower them to make easier decisions than just the people pleasing default ones. And I'm proud of myself for knowing how far I've come in healing from my own trauma that i feel like i can much more easily day No to things and have reasonable boundaries these days. Not be afraid to be honest.

It's a trauma response? I do this...

Thank you for showing that sometimes the best response to fawning behavior is to resist the urge to push back against it and just accept it with gratitude. Whether the person in question is a foster child or not, or even an adult, the last thing they need is to hear how they are still getting it wrong no matter how desperately they try to get it right. Instead, what they need is to be seen and validated and have their contributions be acknowledged and appreciated; the rest will come in time as they claim the space they need to rebuild themselves up.

I love that you are seeing this ❤❤❤ As a kid I never learned to state my wishes clearly. It really is a valuable skill i'm practicing now!

"She was raised so well!" "She's so polite!" "She's so easy!" I wanted to end myself the whole time. I'm 21 and finally trying to be real for the first time. I cannot even process or feel real love at this time, but I am working hard every day to change that. Do not become a parent if you aren't ready. Please.

You are amazing. Thank you for the way in which you share and lift up how adults can help children - I'm a teacher and many of your tips help with students who have had past trauma!

I didn’t learn about fawn response until I was in my 20’s and went through a bad breakup with an abuser, and found out I was doing it constantly. It’s taken a lot of therapy as an adult to break that response. It’s good to see people discussing it, when we help break that response in traumatized children, we help them avoid taking that behavior into adulthood! I wish I’d had someone to tell me it was okay to rebel a little I can’t wait to see the other 3 F’s!

Thank you so much for this. It's not foster care, but I immediately saw a child I care for. I'm going to do more research and make sure I'm doing the best I can for that child.

Wow... I am so glad you (and others) are there for these children. 💜

You are brilliant. Thank you for such a down to earth and “real” insight into fostering. I would feel very safe with you as a foster kid. Thank you for being you ❤️

I always felt I had to make up for my existence by being helpful to others, and people recognizing that it's a trauma response that needs help rather than a positive thing for a child to be is life-changing

I was a burden to my mother so she chose drugs... then I was a burden to the state.. I failed indianas independent living program because I was depressed. I wasn't complicit so I was abandoned. What you're doing is so so very important. I have 3 amazing kids that I am raising and I want to break the curse.. I hope I can be strong like you. Idk whatvyou have been through but I'm very glad you exist and I know those kids are too

God bless you and your work. ❤

I don't foster but my oldest (Nearly 6) is autistic and subsequent has had a bit of trauma and has been forced into overwhelmingly stressful situations due to main-stream schooling (Pulling him out this week to go back to homeschooling, which was always what I wanted to do but was told he couldn't get any support or official diagnosis until he was in school. They let him get horribly hurt a lot and I'm filing a complaint). As soon as he would find out his main teachers were there etc or realise no amount of upset or protest could get him out of what is, to him, a very traumatic environment (Added to by his meltdowns or aggressive outbursts leaving him with crippling remorse and guilt later) he would fawn. Like a wave comes over him and everything is a yes, he is so quiet and like he is barely there. The school point blank refused to see it (Or any of his needs, had to fight tooth and nail!). Your videos are really helpful to me, they help me know how to try and handle him a bit better in a lot of his situations. I'm his mother and have been with him his whole life, so I have a little bit of an advantage with some of it. But so much of your content has totally changed things for us. Thank you so much. ❤

Thanks for making this video, it is very helpful. I have to do a bit of translation as I have a teen at my hands, but I am definitely gonna consider those.

This whole video hits hard, but that first one is almost every day with my loving partners. I stopped voicing my needs for so long, I cant remember them. I trust my partners to hear me, but I cant hear myself after growing up in fawn response. Why would I know if I want quesadillas or not? What do YOU want? With a lot of therapy and related efforts its slowly getting better, but my lack of knowing my own desires has been a source of conflict in my relationships many times bc its often viewed as unwillingness to share. But I genuinely struggle to know myself.

You are amazing.

I have so much love for you❤❤❤❤

Why is that slghtly calling out my behaviour aroudn my parents? I grew up with a samll voice sure but I useally got talked down to or tooled "Maybe" wich woudl usealyl be a no. Anytime my parents were haveing and arguemtn I woudl just remove myself form the room adn hide in my room. It wasn'T a good envierment for me. It made it so that anytime I feel someone is upset that I go "Sorry. mode" instently, even tho I had nothing to do with that issue. I am finding my voice and learnign to stnad up for myslef, plus slowly droping other bad behaviours I adopted to jsut seame "More agreeing to others."

I feel like I am being reparented appropriately watching this. Wow.

This is great

🫶

I was a fawner and still struggle w ppl pleasing as an adult. Something I do with kids is stray from asking things that require them to say yes or no and giving both of the options as sentences so they can easily just repeat the sentence I said instead of yes or no. For example: “would you like some alone time or would you like me to sit with you.” Then they can just say “alone time” instead of me asking “can I sit with you?” And them not being able to find the word no. I couldn’t find the word no I always said “I don’t care” and my family would make fun of me for it.

Fawn response can be so tricky to recognize as a substitute teacher. These kids are usually identified by the regular teacher as "A great help! Trustworthy! You can ask them for anything!" in the notes. But there is such a thing as an unusually/problematically compliant kindergartener. A child who will ALWAYS relinquish a toy with a smile if it looks like another might want it, a child who uses their free time to clean up others' mess, a child who tries to hug anyone (including adults) who seems upset... I don't really know what to do in these situations. I try and help (e.g. "Excuse me Kid Y, it is still Kid X's turn with that toy", "Kid X, since you cleaned up your spot so fast, why don't you come sit on the rug and pick out a book you like?" etc) but at the same time, it isn't really enforcing THEIR boundaries, but MY expectations of what their behavior should be... I just want them to worry about normal 5 year old things, at least while they're under my care. Edit: It's even trickier to recognize the older the child is, because our society and education system prizes compliance. For preteens and teenagers, I let them know they have free time (within certain parameters) and to let me pick up the room/help other students/stack the books/whatever.

“Your needs matter to me.” Wow that hit me surprisingly hard.

Thank you!! I work with kids with trauma, and one of the things I run into the most when I ask for updates is when a teacher/parent/caregiver says "they don't give me any trouble!" I have to provide psychoeducation on why that's not always a good thing; children and teenagers should be giving you a little bit of "trouble." It's how they learn to establish healthy boundaries while respecting others' boundaries and rules, communicate wants and needs, express opinions, etc. It's vital to make sure kids know that their mental health is important aside from anything to do with whether or not they're being disruptive or having more noticeable behavioral challenges. A lot of times, other professionals and caregivers don't think to get a child help until their challenges inconvenience the adults in their life, and that's not right.

I am not a foster kid but seeing an adult treat a child’s needs with respect like is something that was never shown to me growing up. Now, as a mother myself, I almost get a weird thrill when my kids disagree or tell me they don’t like/want something because I neeeeeeever felt safe to say stuff like that! agreeable children make adults feel better, but it’s almost always a sign the child is worried something will happen if they disagree.

I’m 40 years old and I just realised I’ve had the fawn response ALL MY LIFE! Omg. No wonder I feel the way I feel now in life. Your videos are enlightening.

Ooooh... now I understand why my step-father always tried to stop me from vacuuming the house. I always thought he was mad at me for cleaning "incorrectly"… Whenever I feel uncomfortable with someone from my family I always turn to cleaning something in the house. Guess it does make me feel safer, as it makes the person "happier" and therefore our relationship "safer".

I was not a foster child but my mom was very verbally, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive to me. Watching this video was like looking into a mirror. I realize that I've been fawning for the past 10 years and still heavily struggle with it as an adult. People don't realize how much of a toll fawning can take on your well-being.

Some really overt signals of fawning: constantly apologizing (try to never express annoyance about it), anxiety that really sticks with them after even a stranger expresses even mild frustration or irritation

As an adult who grew up in fawn mode, I still struggle almost daily to make my voice heard and feel comfortable saying no and displaying boundaries. Thank you for sharing this

I understand this instinct so much. I never had a tramatic childhood, but with a household where I was the oldest, and I needed to be the helpful because my siblings couldn’t, I never got the opertunity to learn how and when to say no. As a young adult I'm learning that now and hopefully, I'll be able to recognize that in myself so that when I foster or birth kids, I won't pass sown my same habits ❤

This gives me so much insight into my own childhood trauma. I would happily agree to whatever so no one would get mad which led to others having a false sense or my likes and dislikes including myself. When faced with a decision I honestly didn’t know what I wanted. These videos are really helpful to me as a parent as well ❤

My mom would ask me questions and then get upset if i didn't choose the answer she expected. Recently she tried to pull this on me as an adult and i straight up told her "Why even ask me then if I don't really have a choice?"

This is my reaction STILL as an adult who grew up in a violent, volatile and aggressive environment

Oh wow. I’ve noticed this but never had a name for it. I can see myself doing some of these things but my sister even more. She was always the people pleaser but myself I would shut down and basically see myself as an empty “shell” so I could keep busy and keep my head down and do the work that needed to be done. I still do this sometimes but I’m starting to become more confident and self-assured, although I do revert to this method when anxious. Thanks for sharing Laura!

I struggle with this a lot from growing up in a family where there was emotional abuse/neglect. Now, as an adult, it's really hard to unlearn. Thank you for making a video about it. ❤️

This is very, very helpful. I struggle with similar issues, although not to this extend. Sometimes you just learn that your feelings don't matter, so you always pretend to agree, because that is easier. And sometimes being nice and friendly and agreeable is the only way to sooth someone whose wrath would hurt you otherwise. So you learn, for years. It is so difficult to unlearn that stuff as an adult.

Struggled with untreated childhood trauma for 35 years before reading about fawning and complex ptsd. All kids deserve to be seen like this. You are the adult I always wished for, I hope you understand the difference you’re making.

I really love these videos. Theyre even good for people who arent foster parents but might interact with children where you dont know their past or who have been in unsafe enviorments in the past. Heck, theyre pretty good parenting advice on how to make sure your own children feel safe and loved and respect autonomy if you come from a situation where good parenting wasnt always modeled.

Your videos have helped me reparent myself more than anything else and I've tried a lot of things. Thank you, for real, thank you ❤

someone at work told me to stop saying thank you so much 😔 literally called out for being too polite… it’s weird-i’m either totally unafraid of confrontation and speaking my mind or absolutely incapable of expressing my wants and asking for anything. idk how i can be both at once but here we are

Over here literally crying because I didn't get to have a caregiver lik you

This is sooooo important. Thanks, Laura. ❤

As very often, I find your videos very helpful in a general sense, not only for the foster parent situation. I was informed, when my youngest kid was in kindergarden, that he had immense problems in saying "No" or expressing his opinion, and did his best to agree to everyone, as conflicts really tended to drag him down. We worked on that... however, he still tends to (seemingly) "play along", the go on and do his own thing, not telling anyone. Or outright lying if he is worried he might be in trouble. or just in order not to worry _us_ (Part of the problem is certainly that one of our other kids is special needs, and there is a lot of worrying and stress involved at times.) I tried to figure out how to find a solution for this for a rather long time, but was not very successful. This video gives sound advice on how to establish a better communication and help him express what he really wants w/o inadvertently putting more pressure on him. I really want to thank you for that.

Welcome back to another episode of: Is This a Personality Quirk or a Symptom!!?? Though in my case i think its both. I can be very enthusiastic about helping out with chores (especially cooking and doing laundry) but sometimes my fawn response reacts too.

I love this so much!! This is useful inner child parenting guidance too. I definitely did this when I was in kinship foster situation and it causes some resentment with kids because it came across as being a "suck up" or showing them up. I think it was a combo of fawning and genuinely being used to doing adult things like making meals tidying up etc etc.

Holy hell. I feel seen! Not surprising as I was a parentified kid.

Thank you for recognizing this and not taking advantage of their agreeableness. This really is awful when it goes unchecked. When I was a teenager, I tried to get up to clean the hospital bed and floor right after giving birth (placenta not out yet) as I felt horrible for making a huge mess. (A nurse and my husband stopped me lol) I didn't realize why I was like that until a few years ago.

As a worker I love these videos and think they would be so helpful for foster parents I work with. Fostering is such a difficult job and you make such accurate videos. As I go to visit my kids in care, I hope my visits don't trigger them. However, I know the kids get tired of answering questions and just want to live life.

Oh, shit. I do this far more than I'd like to admit.

Thank you for this. It actually made me step back and appreciate how my son is comfortable enough to be head strong and opinionated.

I don't know if I fawn a lot I just like to be helpful. I had a dental procedure done earlier in the week so that I had to request to not be put in our back room at work (I work in online grocery pickup and being in the backroom means lifting more heavy items, needing to talk loudly, needing to be quick, etc. and I wasn't able to do that just yet). It has taken me years to feel like I can advocate for myself. I did have one coworker yesterday being in the back ask me if I could give him his 15 minute break and I had to tell him "I'm sorry, I can't be in the back today". He was okay with it but I felt so bad for telling him no. That I should have done it since we were slow and it was *only* 15 minutes. That maybe I should have explained it more. Even though I was specifically even told not to "over do it" at work. I still like to be helpful and sometimes when I'm doing something and struggling I hardly ask for help because I feel like people should just see it and offer the help (I understand internally that that's not how people are. That they can't know everything that's happening and if they see me working they're not going to go "oh she looks like she needs help" if they think of it at all beyond wondering when their own lunch is). But then when someone does come over to help and I am doing fine and don't really need help I feel all prickly and defensive. It's such a strange mindset for me.

*sweating in recognition*

Oh h*ll yeah, this is for real. I went through the system back in the dark ages, when everyone didn't believe in empathy and foster kids were just a bunch of trouble makers that needed more discipline and chores to straighten them out. Meanwhile I had a European 🇨🇦 bio-mother who hated me, because I was mixed race, and had the nerve to loo lighter than her and used to drug me and sell me to guys to get her gambling money. But hey, it was me who was the problem. Thanks for doing these videos. You're what I always wished I had back in the day.

Thank you for sharing this, this is so important!! This trauma response often goes unseen and even enabled because it's seen as the child (or adult) just being nice or helpful when it's actually coming from a bad place.

I never realized that me hugging my parents constantly when I'm nervous is a trauma response. What she described is exactly how I feel when I do it.

This is always the trauma response that breaks my heart the most.

I was like this as a kid and I think it’s because my dad was so frightening at times in his behavior and actions… thank you for advocating for children. I have learned a lot from your channel for my work as a caregiver and it also has helped me with my own inner child work.

Yes, it's me.

Wow. What a healer you are ❤️‍🩹

The way this made me cry as an adult who still engages in these fawning responses 😭 Thank god for my therapist teaching me to reparent myself. It's a long process but I'm done with being exploited by Ill intentioned people. It's so easy for them to do because I have such a hard time saying no. Best to start this work early and not in your 20s

Wow. Your videos just made me realize I developed a pretty serious faun reflex as a kid. It was a protective measure at the time. But yeah, it can cause a lot of problems as an adult. Thanks for making content that heals both adults and kids. ❤

Yup. Fawning is my trauma response. As a young teenage girl it led me to burn out. Now that i'm a mom it actually does my soul so much good to see my kiddo feel comfortable to disagree with me.

You are a hero to so many! PLEASE keep spreading your positive wealth of know! It's priceless 🤗

I'm someone who has a fawn response and tends to just. Apologize and cower all the time and I wish more people recognized it as trauma instead of thinking I'm just "so sweet!" It feels awful being seen like that by something that distresses and hurts you

Laura, giving us directions on how to reparent ourselves without even meaning to... I love that what you do helps children now, and grown up children who could have used help sooner. Thanks for Being.

I tend to be very agreeable because of a mix of my personality and a slight trauma response, and I'm working on unlearning this behavior. It doesnt help that a few people in my life are less than understanding of my budding ability to say no :(

I'm a survivor of the system and an adult who now is being treated for CPTSD/DID/other trauma based disorders. At 16 when I was being flung between different fosters like a hot potato, the first thing I would do in every house, on my very first night there before even asking to see my room, would be to vaccum the shared spaces of the house. It was a chore I could do confidently and all I wanted was to make my fosters like me so that I could avoid conflict. At best my foster would just allow it without questioning me, at worst they would take advantage by making me take on EVERY chore of the house so I never had free time (unreasonable things like cleaning spaces I don't use or cleaning a shared space several times a day) Basically Ive been through some shit in general and with fosters I admit I don't watch your every upload but sometimes when I need the reminder that people like you exist who go out of their way to empathize with traumatized children, I always come back to this channel

I’m crying my eyes out right now.. Thank you nice lady for making a fawn response video for trauma responses because I didn’t really know what it was until now and seeing that I’ve used the fawn response since I was as young as a toddler and still am, it’s kind of a life realization, thank you though 👍

God, I’m 20 and I still can’t get rid of this fawning. It just leaves whoever I’m talking to weirded out, and me completely exhausted and unsatisfied. But hey, at least my parents brag about how much of a “good girl” I was as a child.

Wow, this is incredibly informative. I didn't know the name for this response before, but it's something that I've come to realize I did constantly as a child (and still do, although I'm a bit better at recognizing it now). I wish all the adults in my life hadn't praised me for how polite, obedient, and I helpful I was, because the truth is they couldn't recognize how much I just wanted help to deal with all the darkness in my life. But I was a "good" kid, and so no one ever thought I was struggling with anything. Now I realize I spent my entire childhood with no identity, feeling miserable and disconnected, and I never developed the skills necessary for adulthood. At least now I'm learning how to be more compassionate towards myself and establish new, healthier habits. Channels like these are so vital, not just for foster parents but really for anyone who wants the cycle of abuse and trauma to end with them. I don't know if I'll ever have children, but if I do, I want them to know that saying "no" is perfectly fine, and experiencing negative emotions is not something we should supress, but rather work through.

I grew up doing this and never had any idea that it was this response. I remember the feeling (and still struggly with it) of feeling like I was going to be kicked out at any moment after leaving my dad's (he was schizophrenic). I now STRUGGLE with setting boundaries and feeling uncomfortable asking for even water at a strangers house for fear of being a burden on them. I now have a disability that does not help the burden complex either

Convenient children =/= healthy children I was a very convenient child. My parents are great, but I don't think they realized how much they taught me that I was only emotionally safe in my home if I fulfilled expectations and was a peacemaker. I forgive them. They have religious trauma and didn't have access too the info that I have access to.

I was not a foster kid but my behaviour was very much alike and I had to overcome being a people pleaser later in life and it was SO hard because my opinions and wishes never mattered in my early days. My "no" was considered to be so rude whatever the situation was. This is really a very important video.

I found that it helped me learn how to say no by finding other ways to say no. I was still communicating my preference was/was not but I was more informing the people around me of that preference and let them have the final say. What REALLY helped was no longer being around the person whose emotional reactions had to be catered to. I could spend a year witnessing people disagree, state their preference, and make choices and I could spend that year testing those things out, but going back to that person would undo a lot of work. It felt mentally draining and physically exhausting due to the anxiety. In so many ways, just being agreeable and silent is so much easier. It's just that easier =\= better.

I never heard of fawn trauma, but I was that kid and I am still the same as a woman. I could relate so much with every situation you showed in this video. I behaved exactly like that child.

Jesus I do that still. Definitely came from abusive mom. Thanks for sharing this helpful information for ppl and I can’t wait until one day I can help and host kids in the system also

Laura, thank you for doing these. They're very informative. I know that you have covered many topics. You might have already addressed this, but I was thinking about the difference between babysitting several non traumatized children vs a few traumatized children. 1: Some Traumatized children may not play. If you have toys in the room and a Non traumatized child (NTC) walks into the room, the child may run over and start playing. But the traumatized child (TC) may not know how to play or may be in a state where they can't play such as being in survival mode. 2. The amount and type of supervision varies between the two groups. For example, the NTC might write on the walls. Whereas the TC might carve into his arm or leg. (Not with a knife....that would be too easy. Usually it's a pencil, a pen cap, a paperclip, a broken toy... which they may have just broken a fork, or a lot of other things that you could never imagine being used that way. 3. TC are almost always delayed in one area or another. This however does not mean that they are not smart. It might mean that they were never exposed to that particular knowledge or they are still in "survival mode". It took my daughter about 3 years of living in a safe place before she began to come out of survival mode. So she was not only delayed from the trauma, but also she missed 3 years living in survival mode. So now she is 6 years behind other children her age. (3 years of traumatic living and 3 years to become aware of her safe environment) She is highly intelligent. She will catch up but it will take several years. Imagine being 6 years behind in school work. So simultaneously the child works on the current school work along with making up the missed work. Imagine the frustration of trying to understand the new assignments when the foundations for the subject has never been learned yet. Also, the child may feel so overwhelmed by the whole situation. The child will feel dumb, less than, say, " What is wrong with me? Why can't I learn?" However the child IS learning at an exponential rate. The child just doesn't see the progress. He just sees that he is still struggling with the same thing as he was last year. Now imagine being this child who is not just delayed academically but also socially, emotionally, and sometimes physically. I always say that being a parent of a traumatized child is a lot about being a good listener and a great cheerleader. 4. The child WILL make up EVERY stage that they missed. Whether it involves bottles, pacifiers, experimenting with matter and mass, learning cause and effect, etc. Some examples might be a 12 year old writing on the wall, or crookedly cutting their hair at the scalp. And speaking of phases and milestones, some children may not have object permanence, which is developed generally by 6-9 months old by playing peekaboo and dropping a toy and getting it picked up. Just to throw it again. Without object permanence, a child may be in a safe environment and you might be their safe person, but as soon as you leave the room, their world fails apart because they have no knowledge that you will return. There's no guarantee that you still exist because you are no longer in sight. Thank you for all of your hard work to help the children.

Good foster parenting is good parenting. Even as a multi-decade parent, I appreciate these models.

Wish u had known way before my 30s that I have a built in fawning response. Gotta reprogram that still...

I'm 29 and I'm such a heavy fawner. My husband encourages me to speak up for myself and make decisions. If I make anyone unhappy, I freak the heck out. If I do anything that upsets him, he's very hesitant to tell me because he's afraid I'll absolutely grovel about it. Unfortunately, that just leads to me frequently asking if I'm doing anything wrong, or me apologizing out of nowhere for something I perceived as wrong.

Imho, these are good ways to support people of any age with similar trauma. In my case, I'm 28, have known I'm neurodivergent for almost 2 years, and trying to undo these same kinds of fawning (as well as masking) responses has been... difficult, even with a few incredibly supportive people in my life now. I can recognise some of what they do to help me feel comfortable in this video, and it helps _so much_ just to feel like you have the space to be a messy, complicated, but whole person. I spent so long only allowing small parts of myself to exist around others that I'm learning things about myself most work out much earlier. Thank you for making videos like this. Even not exactly being the intended target, it's incredibly cathartic to see people practicing this kind of care and patience with kids :')

This is really subtle and important. Thank you. Most inexperienced people's well-meaning impulse would be to reinforce helpfulness.

God, this video was really eye opening to me. My girlfriend has experienced neglect from her parents all her life, and I've always been so proud of her for becoming such a mature, kind and wonderful woman, despite her upbringing. But damn, she ticks every single box in this video. When we order food, it's always hard to get a clear answer regarding what she wants, it's always "anything's fine," she always offers to cook, or do the dishes, or do one of those things even if I promised to handle both. She said "I love you" very quickly, and she constantly says it to her dad and grandparents and hugs them a lot. Even when we're intimate, she has difficulties saying exactly what she wants from me. Thanks for this video, it's given me a lot to think about in going forward with our relationship and trying to get her to feel as comfortable as possible.