talking to my mom about the hardships of growing up with undiagnosed Neurodiversity 

As an Asian woman who has autism and also has a traumatic history w her mom this conversation is SO confrontational and I am shaking in my seat lol My mom could never sit there and have this kind of convo it would be a one sided fist fight immediately 😅

As a teacher who has observed students in my classroom (and definitely has undiagnosed something), I have some unfortunate news about notifying families about potential developmental disorders. Many schools actually caution teachers against directly approaching families about diagnostic testing because if a school employee raises the issue, the *school* has to pay for the testing, not the family. Therefore, schools are systemically disincentivized to train their teachers to detect possible disorders. Instead, we are taught to “differentiate” our material to be accessible to more types of brains so that kids who haven’t pinged on their parents’ radar are more likely to succeed. As someone who’s managed to survive by carefully and frequently masking my difficulties, I feel for my students and I try to help them as much as I can

**trying to get you to do stuff** "You're very talented." That hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't tell you how many times a mom has said something like that to me when she was trying to get me to do something.

I could definitely feel you were triggered midway. Sending you both so much love & healing💜 Props to your mom for the strength to be a part of this. No one is perfect. Parents don't know what's coming when they have babies & unfortunately mass society gives in to social pressure/expectations, because that's what they learn; and becomes avoidant of what they don't learn. The past is the past, but there's always room to unlearn, to relearn better from today forward. Conversations like these are important & sharing them to the world is so powerful🙌 But also important to forgive, or else we fall into the caged cycle of "hurt people hurt people"

Irene , thank you so much for being vunerable in your videos.. I love how you frame this with so much respect and kindness for your mom while also portraying a relatable dynamic.

Thank you for doing this video. I can tell it was hard for both of you but what I really noticed is that when you told your mom “no those weren’t tempter tantrums, those were meltdown” she doesn’t question you. She accepts it and the next time she mentions temper tantrums she can clearly remember your correction and works to use better language so at the end of the video she isn’t using that word anymore. It was really nice to see a mother daughter conversation where both sides are truly trying to understand each other and support each other. You both did great and I hope you keep having conversations like this.

For others asking why didn’t the mother seek help when she knew her daughter was acting out above what a typical child would experience, publicly and through friends and family, mothers are told it’s because they as mothers aren’t setting boundaries or that the child has been spoiled through bad parenting That’s changing as more people become educated I’m so glad channels like this exist to not only help the person that’s been diagnosed, but also for the parent

I notice it from her mom and my mom, they are so focused on appearances it’s like I need to be exactly how she imagines me or else she is confused

I understand the culture sadly does not understand or is ashamed of anything “different” as your mom kept saying “normal”… very sad and I’m sorry you went thru that. I didn’t graduate high school and was told I was crazy and defiant. I’d have full blown meltdowns and couldn’t concentrate on anything. It is very hard for the parents to understand especially if they are from a strict culture. My dad would call me “headstrong” but once I discovered channels on here of other women who are neurodivergent I relate so much with the frustration and hurt that you don’t feel heard or seen, I hear you and I see you Irene. Your feelings are valid. Your mom being a libra just wants to always keep the peace. But I can tell she’s trying her best. I struggle daily with communicating with my mom too. Sending love and thank you for being so vulnerable I am going to share with my mom. “See! We’re not alone!” ❤

It is such a gift to have a mother who is willing to be vulnerable like this. Obviously you've both done so much work together already. I think it's just as important for us to give our parents the compassion we want from them, understanding is reciprocal. You are both brave.

I can relate to the feelings of “Why didn’t anyone see this and help me??” I would also caution to be kind to your mom- I’m sure she did the best she could/knew how. The understanding of what Autism looked like (or even ADHD in girls) was just not widely available. I’m 39, and was diagnosed ADHD in college, and am self-diagnosed Autistic just recently. Thank you for sharing your story; I’m sure it will help others to understand neurodiversity better!

This is a very uncomfortable watch for me as I relate to so much of the pressure you were put through as a child to perform for adults amusement, and for adults to have bragging rights about your achievements. You’re obviously gifted with many talents, and it’s such a pity that society didn’t provide a way for you to express that in a safe And private way. I have to stop and start this video a few times and watch it in private so my family don’t see me getting emotional. I’m also autistic with ADHD and I was only diagnosed last year at age 44. I also have a difficult relationship with my mother, and I’ve had 20 years of talk therapy, but I think I’m still only scratching the surface of healing, my inner child, and all that burnout and trauma and pressure to perform at such a young age.You are you and your mum are fantastic to have been able to sit down and discuss this in front of the camera and I have a feeling that maybe your mum would not be so open to this conversation without a camera, but it looks like she’s really willing to learn and to accept your feelings as well and now I wish my mum was as open minded as yours. Thank you so much for sharing this I’m subscribing to your channel.❤

Who else could never be this confrontational with their mom.?Like wow, I was getting so uncomfortable with how mad Irene was getting and how her mom was fighting for her life😂. Like I can't even finish the video because it's giving me anxiety. Maybe that's just the empath in me(and trauma) I really admire Irene for pulling out those hard questions on her mom. I could never.

Your mom is so brave to talk openly like that. What's funny is we all think we would do different when approached with the question "if we had known then would we do differentt?" We think we would but if we didn't have the tools we wouldn't of done much different. We even tend to get more overwhelmed and it can be worse. Just knowing isn't enough, we have to have tools to respond better and looking at how nurodiversity is handled even right now it's a bit dismal to be honest. With me I was tested for everything but autism, it was the 1970's-80's and the understanding is even lower then. They thought I couldn't hear, or was mentally retarded. Put on special slow classes that insulted how intelligent I am and brought my confidence down till I checked out and was defeated. I stopped trying at that point and just did what I had to to get done with the school year

Your mom is amazing! She not only engages you with your special interests right of the bat, she recognizes how your brain is trying to cancel itself out with ADHD and Autism and how hard it must be for you.

Thanks so much for making this video and your mum for agreeing to it! It was really helpful

My mom is a social worker and therapist and denial prevented her from ever getting services for me. She just said I was different. I'm almost 30 and just now exploring my neurodivergency. I can feel the trauma radiating during this conversation but I really really appreciate the vulnerability from you both in putting this out there. ❤

I can tell that you’re mom is really sad that they did not know what was really going on (i.e. autism/adhd) She seems like a strong female person of chinese background; I can see where you got your strength. It shows to me how much she lovesyou to cooperate with this interview. You appear to have a huge anger towards your childhood experiences, snd you express this towards your mother. ( I also grew up as the daughter of an immigrant mother and I believe that there is a gulf that exists because of the different upbringing and cultural experiences, which our mothers just cannot transcend, as they themselves are trying to cope living in a very different country, culture. I can also tell that you’re still very hurt and triggered. I would really encourage you to possibly do family therapy with n autism expert, while you still have your mom to heal the past and your relationship. I am crying, because my mother is gone and I could never get over my rage towards her even though I did my own therapy about what I went through as a child. I have a lot of grief and regret now. Sending you love and encouragement - you’re an extraordinary and talented ( your mom knows that ) person and i feel you can make a difference in many people‘s lives with your videos and your work books and templates. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

As an AuADHD asian woman, also daughter of an immigrant asian woman, this is hard to watch but also so helpful. Theres SO much here! We are working with intersections of race, divergence, social norms within a specific culture, gender social norms, BIPOC women navigating a white supremacist culture, authoritarian school systems. SO MANY LAYERS! I can see and acknowledged both experiences .... you, having the systems in power ( your school experience and home life experience) fail you and then blame you! So much injustice. I relate to your experience spot on. And i can acknowledge your mothers struggles as well...immigrant woman influenced by her cultural norms to stay 'safe' within her community/ family, 'WE CANNOT HAVE THE FAMILY/PEOPLE TALK ABOUT US , we have to blend in and not stand out.' This is a very asian mindset from my experiences I also am realizing how immigrant BIPOC women just have not had access to their voice to stand up to the white man/ woman. Assimilation requires someone to again, blend in and not cause any disruption to the systems in power. Im assuming most of your teachers were White? And for an Asian immigrant woman to stand up to them (for you) just wasnt probably an option in the unconscious mind. We also have to remember technology / the internet was not as accesible as it is now. And the lack of access to information in the 80's/ 90's of ADHD & Autism , especially presenting in girls, just was not a thing. RAWR ! to the patriarchy within the health care systems that consistently overlook girls and women. I have so much anger towards my parents who werent paying attention to my suffering and nonverbal cues and in turn blamed me for being naughty, defiant, having 'anger issues', not smart enough etc . I have to undo all the internalized thoughts about myself. And I can also hold the truth that my parents did the best they could with their limited knowledge and specifically for my mother, the limitations as an immigrant Asian women navigating a white supremist culture. Its complex and messy.

I had the same struggle as Irene. Constant meltdowns that my parents knew weren't typical, yet they dismissed them. I was "just too sensitive". From as early as I can remember (around age 4-5), I told my parents "There's something wrong with me", "I'm not like the other kids", and "I don't fit in", etc. I was just dismissed and anything I brought up was invalidated and minimized. I had so many difficulties and meltdowns that were ignored. When I was a teen, I confided that I believed I had depression and asked to see a therapist. That was dismissed as well. *TW* Maybe a year later I imploded and couldn't take the intense stress anymore. I tried to end my suffering and it's only then that I got mental health help. That was at age 16 and I was Dx'd with OCD, ADD, depression & anxiety. It's hard not to feel upset that my parents realized that I was struggling, and I constantly told them that I was & had meltdowns, yet they ignored it all. It's nice to see Irene's convo with her mom because my parents are incapable of having discussions where they truly listen. Talks result in emotional and verbal abuse, no matter how carefully I converse or approach it. I recently had a memory come back to me that I'd ignored because it didn't make sense. I was 4 and my mother was irate on the phone. I asked her why she said that I wasn't artistic and why she was so mad about it. She snapped, that's not what they said! Well, now I think I know what she was upset about! I asked her but she doesn't remember; she's toxic, so even if she did remember, she wouldn't be truthful.

Thank you both for this conversation. Honestly it's taking me awhile to get through your whole video because it really resonates with me. The way your Mom perceived you as a child is very familiar. The fact that she was willing to sit with you and do this is mind blowing to me. This will never be my reality with my mother. I am so sorry for all the pain and difficulty you suffered as a child and continue to experience throughout this discussion you had with your Mom. It feels so strange to me to try to explain to your parent how you were not trying to be defiant or difficult. I hope parents watch this and I change how they approach their children. I am a parent of two neurodivergent kids and I always try to start from a place that they are not doing anything intentionally to me and everything I see is them trying to cope. My job is to figure out why they are using this thing to cope and why they feel like they have to cope. I don't always get it right but I seriously hope that they won't go through what you went through and what I went through as a kid. And if they do feel I didn't do what they needed that they can speak to me like you are speaking to your Mom here and I will just apologize and learn. Thank you so very much for this and I hope to make it to the end of your video at some point.

As an autistic person who was late diagnosed, the conversation was triggering and I felt so much empathy for you, Irene. As a parent of 2 autistic kids that I had before I was diagnosed, I also felt empathy for Irene’s mom’s blindness. It’s taken me 4 different viewings to comment, and I still can’t finish this video. I cannot even imagine having a conversation like this with my mother (who I’m positive is also autistic). Thank you for your content ❤

Totally relatable. I wish my mom was as open to discussion as your’s - mine is still so deeply entrenched in the stigma around not being normal that she’ll deny anything related to the topic. Would you ever do one of these types of videos in Chinese? It would be super helpful as it’s tough to find resources / media or anything like this for the Chinese community and us with parents who aren’t as fluent in English.

This video is really tough to go through because I identify with Irene in a lot of moments, but also see how hard it must've been for your mother who didn't know any better and tried her best but at the same time could be very unsympathetic toward her child, who was still growing and learning how to navigate the world. It's tough, I have my own issues with my mother and how I wish she would've done things or said things differently and it has affected our relationship and at the same time trying to understand that she went in blind and didn't know how to deal with it.

Despite your justified frustrations about your upbringing, I think your mum dealt with this talk very well considering her generation, her culture and the general understanding of parenting at the time. I know many parents who would have shown more of their hurt pride at having their child tell them what they did wrong, even years after leaving the house. It's really difficult to see the other side when something hurt you so deeply and was a cause for so many regrets, especially if you were a child who was forced to care for your parents and consider their feelings over your own. You are both very brave for having such a vulnerable and difficult conversation. Thank you for this

Irene, our lives are so parallel that it’s uncanny 😅 Seeing you guys on the screen is like looking at my mom and myself. There’s such a push and pull with resentment and understanding. Our immigrant parents did the best they could with their set of circumstances and knowledge, but it’s so hard to not grieve our childhood if they had just noticed. I don’t think they will ever truly understand how much they stunted our growth and self worth trying to raise us with their eastern values in a western world. But it’s really up to us to let that pain go and move forward. But as hard as it was for us, I know it was hard for our moms as well. I think it would be hard for any mom to see their kids struggle and act out more so than other kids. Deep feelings of sadness, embarrassment, anger, resentment. Watching this makes me want to move forward with continuing to heal my relationship with my mom. Honestly, you’re a gem Irene ❤ I love your videos. They’ve helped me so much. Wish you best **also watching this I feel like when your mom was trying to say that she thought you were normal, it was bc she was looking at you through normal lenses. Bc she never suspected asd/adhd she saw you as a normal kid doing abnormal stuff. Which of course confused her and was wondering why you were such a trouble kid

props to your mom for getting on cam with you

I'm really struggling with having a conversation about this with my Mom right now. Quite triggering to watch but agreed it's important, and thank you for sharing this with all of us. It is so personal and so difficult.

I’m 42 and I do think I have autism. I went to therapy for a moment and I brought up that I may have Asperger’s but it was quickly blown off that these people are super smart and focused on one specific thing. I did get a social anxiety, depression, and Trichotillomania diagnosis but never has it been connected to the fact I could be autistic. I also feel I struggle with ADHD. I used to sulk that my parents didn’t try to seek help for me when I was young because I so clearly had issues. I’m black and it just wasn’t in our culture or finances to seek any mental health services back then. Although I’m not looking for any more labels, I do think it would help me learn to navigate this thing called life with a bit more ease.

I have just self diagnosed as autistic at age 45. I´m going through a kind of rage period because it seems impossible to me that no one ever caught on to my autism. It would have been a great help if they had. I insisted on going to school counselors and then to psychologist starting at 9 years old until college because I was struggling so much and they never even hinted at autism. I went to psychiatrists, went on to major in psychology and did years of psychoanalisis and never even suspected it myself. So I´m not in the least bit surprised that your mom had no idea. I was constantly around professionals who never detected it. The results have been devastating in my life in every possible way. I really hope that the visibility that you and people like you are providing is helpful to kids going through the same things now. Thank you to you and your mom for doing this. It was very brave and vulnerable of both of you.

This video is so amazing, heartbreaking and so necessary. I can't help but think of all the other neurodivergent people who will never have this conversation with their parents and maybe they don't want to! But maybe this video can still offer them some comfort and solace in the fact that at least someone is able to have this moment with their parent. Thank you so much for making this video and your content and channel. ❤

i saw so many parallels between your story and mine , that i decided to show this video to my parents. They told me it helped them understand certain important aspects of my life experiences, and i just want to thank you for making this video so i could use it in this way.

This is hitting so many spots. Meltdown/tantrums. Chinese family issues. Bluntness got me fired this week. “Rudeness”. Thank you for making this channel.

That need to understand why you're being told to do something, and need for logical reasoning is soo core to my entire childhood with ADHD though I don't believe I'm autistic, it is therapeutic to hear someone else had this experience; I too was punished and made to believe I was a defiant "problem" kid despite trying to fit in, I'm sure this contributed to developing anxiey and trichotillomania at 11 among other things. I mourn for us kids (esp us minority kids who had added pressures) who were undiagnosed and parents didn't have any idea of neurodivergence or even mental factors at all. It strikes my nerves everytime my family use the word "normal" like your mom does here, where it carries this weird weight as a "good" vs. "bad" thing and with it, parental denial. And I'm so sorry for your mistreatment from teachers💔 I learned from this and though it is triggering I think its great you've made this video with your mom, so glad she is trying to understand.❤ Lots of love to you Irene.

I love what you’re doing!! This is something I want to do with my own dad and shine a light on the African American experience with neurodiversity. This is a great example of how to do that without villainizing your parent, and highlighting the complexity of it all. This is a topic wis really difficult to unpack and I think you did this really well. Thank you❤

In high school I went to a boys school, which wasn't very strict, but appearance was an issue. They checked you at the door and if you didn't meet the standard, they sent you back home with a note for your parents. Color scarves, color gloves (in winter), shoes, and hair length. If it touched the neck of your jacket, you didn't get in. And it was constant... then one day I got tired, and the most logical thing was "ok, if I have to cut my hair every 2 or 3 months, then if I shave my head I won't have to go back to the hairdresser so often". When the monday came, everyone thought I was a freak, my classmates, my family, no one saw "the convenience of the reasoning" hahah, only the appearance scared them deep down XD... And when I shaved my head, I had to explain myself a bunch of times. Some time later, I simply let my hair grow, very long, and it was exactly the same: "but why do you grow your hair so long? Why go from shaved head to long hair?" ... it was always the need not to obey or submit to standards that made no more sense that "should be" (now I know that's PDA)

I really appreciate a different perspective of parent child relationship. I'm also 2nd generation immigrant daughter and i no longer have a relationship with my own mother because of denial and willful ignorance. I actually really really appreciate how open and vulnerable your mom was here. As both a daughter and now mother, i really feel that she loves you deeply and is trying her hardest to cut across cultural barriers that were ingrained in her so that she can have a better relationship with you. She may have not taken the correct actions in the past but hindsight is 20/20. As a society we knew so much less about mental health back in her days. Even in my own experience it was a nightmare getting a sensory processing disorder diagnosis for my son just 10yrs ago and i had no idea what i was facing when he did get it... but thankfully i had just enough alternative thinking individuals in my life to nudge me in the right direction. Truly, there was so much less of that in her days as a mom to young children. She didn't have internet forums or webMD. I'm not sure about your mom but my mom faced a LOT of discrimination after she first immigrated, so having a child acting out was just even more difficult to navigate (not to mention her navigating what sounds like an abusive relationship). It is really hard being an autistic child, and really hard being in charge of caring for an autistic child without understanding what is really happening. I know both sides of this and feel a lot of sadness for both of you talking about the past. I know there's a strong desire to push her nose in her mistakes but honestly she seemed like she was trying to be a good mom in the way she knew how to. Her best may not ever live up to your expectations or what you deserve, but it's not nothing. Asian culture is a b*tch and it really seems to me she's trying to dissolve her conceptions of what is acceptable and appropriate. She really seems to be listening and trying to understand all the new terminology and ideas you toss her way and i think that's really amazing for the both of you and your relationship together 👏 💗

I'm self diagnosed as autism as of a couple months ago. I am of latino culture. I can understand your mom's thinking back then only because they don't ever assume mental disorder. Their first assumption is misbehavior. Mental illness is taboo in our cultures. In my case, I was "non verbal" or "shy" was called quirky. My dad has told me what he saw as odd about me as a child but still refuses to believe Im autistic. It's frustrating.

You and your mom are both incredible women Your discussion was very familiar to me. My mother, daughter, and I are autistic and because we were undiagnosed, have dealt with many of the situations you discussed with your mother. When we became aware of our neuro diversity, the door opened to forgiveness, which freed us all from actions born of our ignorance. Anger has been replaced by peace. As Maya Angelo's so wisely said, "When you know better you do better." ❤

Listening to you recount your meltdowns with your mom and other experiences with undiagnosed autism really reminded me of many of my childhood memories as well. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 7-8, but it wasn't until recently in my mid 20s that I recieved an autism diagnosis. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in my experiences and others have had similar childhood struggles that many people didn't recognize.

Meltdowns are so common with children and even more frequent from those with ADHD/ autism.... Interesting thing about meltdowns, kids have them around parents, bc usually it's whom they feel the most safe around. With all the bottled up energy that hasn't been released bc of having to mask or processing so much let's say for example in school around the child's peers , is exhausting! By the end of the day all the extra processing and hiding behaviors that seem weird or abnormal they just want to let go of, and children do so around parents bc they know they won't be judged . I feel adults who have still deal with meltdowns will also lean on people whom (we) trust like our partners or parents.

Thank you for sharing this! I wish my mom would agree to do something like this but she’s in even more denial than it seems your mom was. Her answers to what she thought of your behaviors as a child are so similar to what my mom would say. I appreciate how direct you are with her and in the video. I watched a bunch of your videos yesterday while I felt like I was in a brain and body shutdown (I strongly believe I am Autistic and I know I have ADHD, among other diagnoses), and I find your voice and what you say super calming and grounding. You definitely helped me, and I wanted to say thank you for what you do here 💚

Parent of a self diagnosed autistic young adult, diagnosed with anxiety and adhd in her mid teens. Watching your video I realized that one of the reasons why my kid didn’t get a formal autism diagnosis is because I accommodated instinctively a lot during her childhood which prevented a lot of behaviors. Perhaps this is due to my being -undiagnosed- adhd as well and having some trauma from not receiving explanations during my own childhood. My parenting style definitely included explaining the why, and tried to listen to her input. At school she always had caring teachers and she was happy. The ever changing friend group and not fitting in didn’t happen until middle school because in elementary school we had a mom group that provided a stable kid group. I simply thought she was unique but didn’t realize there was something wrong until she hit puberty when friend dynamics got really tricky and external demands went up. I understand the cultural aspect as well. We are a mixed household, South Asian and European. My husband had a lot more trouble accommodating but at least I was in her corner.

This is truly hitting home with me and my 14 year old daughter. I wanted her to be different, to do all the things I could never measure up to: grades, dance, cheer. As a single Mom, I couldn’t afford for her to do anything, now, she just doesn’t wanna do anything -bc executive dysfunction. She is in therapy and is seeing a psych for her ADHD, PTSD…trying to find a provider who accepts our insurance for the actual Autism diagnosis is difficult. Thank you both for this video!

Awesome that you both were generous in sharing this difficult conversation with us! That was courageous of your mom to not let the fear of judgement stop her from participating (in a convo that will help many ppl). My mother has often said something to the affect of “we did the best that we could” (which is true more or less to the level of their consciousness and information available at the time). but the takeaway to me is that now that we’re both adults it’s incumbent upon you to learn about my diagnosis and the way that played a part in my upbringing and your perception of my personality. I understand it’s hard for parents to understand the impact (or relevancy) of how they treated/treat us and I feel we get triggered for having to hold space and parent them at the same time as explaining how damaging it was/is when we were treated as “normal”. That we were never bad children. Anyway, thank you both!

I can see how much pain your mom is in. Gosh she looks absolutely gutted putting on a strong face. God bless you both For me I was tested and they said I had ADHD but my mom ignored them because she thought they wanted to put me on meds to make managing me easier in school. My mom isn’t from this country and she was born in the 50s. I think I have autism and ADHD but I’m very good at masking to a certain extent. Social situations are super difficult because I learned how to socialize from tv so it was very Surface level. Now I hyper fixate on reading people so that I understand. I have been diagnosed and I don’t know where to go to get help.

Thanks for sharing this very difficult conversation 🙏🏻 I’m a parent of a 27 yr old son who was diagnosed Autistic with ADHD too at age 25. It’s been a big learning curve but adult autistic creators like you were so helpful for him to understand himself but especially for me to understand all of these different ways he was experiencing the world and his inner thoughts, emotions, and sensory processing. Every parent with an autistic adult child or late diagnosed child can learn so so much if they watch content like this. Paige Layle , Monique Botha, Aucademy, and Dr Nick Walker and our friend Aaron Orsini have all been great educators as well as now your channel ☺️

My heart. 🌻💜 This is so profound to me, Irene. Thank you for witnessing yourself and making room in your family the way you have. Also, thank you to your Mother who is doing her best given when she’s coming from in her upbringing. I’m going to share this with my Mama, who is also doing her best with what she has to work with. All of the love, honor, and dignity 🌻🌈🕊️🪻🦋🌌

I have tears in my eyes watching this but mostly because I can feel the desire to just hear one encouraging word about how amazing you were but I heard the same things- temper tantrums and crying all the time. But I was a tender hearted kid but also bullied by family A LOT. You had guts having her on and I could understand her too. It must have been really really hard with such expectation and culture too. I am from the Bay Area also and get it ❤

Thank you to you and your mum for this open conversation. It's not easy and in a way I can understand both of you, the different perspectives. I was also diagnosed as an adult recently and sometimes it's difficult not to feel some resentment towards our parents, but I guess they did as best as they could, including the mental/social/emotional limitations they themselves had and the knowledge available at the time.

I'm sorry for how you were treated and are still treated in this video :(

That was so brave of you both. Thank you for sharing this. I'm a mom of 2 boys who have autism, one also has adhd. I strongly feel that I have both autism and adhd. I was never diagnosed. When I recently told my mom I think I have undiagnosed autism, she instantly responded while laughing, " You don't have autism." Then I asked, "how do you know that? A lot of ppl my age ( mid-40's) didn't get diagnosed".. she then says emphatically, "because I'm your mom." This conversation that you had gave me an example of how to ask the hard questions. I also love that you had the questions written out so I can use them if needed. Thanks again for your content, bravery, and honesty. I'm a new subscriber. I also really liked your video on executive dysfunction. I'll be watching more soon. Edited to add that when you talked about being in school, that really hit home for me as a little girl, masking/ppl pleasing. Also for my 2 children who were treated very badly in the public school system. After years of me trying to figure out how to keep my children safe at school (my children were locked in rooms, isolated, screamed at by aides, physically restrained, dragged, I was DESPERATE! I would go to sometimes 10+ IEP's per year, write the behavior lans myself, meet with te director of the sp. Ed dept, etc, read laws, school regulations, classroom observations, talked to a lawyer. Ultimately I am now happily homeschooling my 2 sweet boys, we moved to a very tranquil environment with lots of trees, animals, etc. I felt so alone and helpless as a child and as an adult. The public school is driven by their money, accountability reduction. It might sound silly but my inner child thanks you for this video!! ❤

Your poor mom my mom would be just like her second generation American from Czechoslovakia. She is so sweet.

First and foremost, I wanted to say thank you! I needed you and your channel at such a pivotal moment in my life. It feels so good to know that you are not alone in your experiences and how neurodivergent experiences almost mirror each other. Being Asian American, your story resonates with me on so many levels. For me, the greatest challenge in life is discovering who I am. The second greatest is being happy with what I find, by changing the dialogue in my head, but also doing my best to ignore the dialogue around me. I haven’t been formally diagnosed for AuDHD, but through personal research (after severe burnout) and online screening tests, I have come to the conclusion that I most definitely am. I feel like most neurodivergent’s journeys haven’t been about becoming anything, but about unbecoming everything that really isn’t you. Unmasking to be who you are meant to be. Breaking free from society’s pressures, expectations, and conditioning. What was very difficult for me to accept after disclosing my self diagnosis to family is that they can’t believe that you came from the same place due to the stigmas they have surrounding autism. Even though autism is highly heritable. I started recalling family’s behavior that could have indicated that they were on the spectrum, such as “t-rex arms”, lisps, walking on tip toes even into adulthood (highly masked), or just the inability to regulate ones emotions (meltdowns). I’ve had to tell myself that they just don’t have the capacity to understand my struggles, but after watching some of your videos, I feel so much more confident in being able to verbalize them and my needs, so I am truly thankful.

This was a very powerful video. Thanks for making it. Watching this after having my own kids and failing in the most spectacular way with the differences in all of our emotional landscapes, I felt sad for both and protective over the mum. I don't know what it's like where this family lived but here, during my parenting time (my kids are early 20s), I sought and couldn't get answerers or support anywhere. In fact, I was told in no uncertain terms that I was the problem, not that there was a problem and our family needed support. So yeh, it's great in theory to say 'go get help' or 'just try this'. That's not necessarily going to work. It's just so complicated and triggering. Parenting is so hard and everything is somewhat easier with hindsight. Anyway, so good and kudos to you both for sharing so openly.

This is so important as a conversation. I’m Indian and I remember a family friend crying to my mom that the teacher told her her kid has adhd. She cried saying her kid is perfect and doesn’t have a ‘mental issue’. We have a long way to go as a community to both accept mental health and mental disabilities but also to realise it is totally ok. Funniest thing of all is that a decade later i realise i probably have adhd and so does my mom. 😂 I hope the friend realised it is just neurodivergence which needs to be accommodated.

This was amazing and something I’ve never seen before so thank you for sharing. I deeply sympathize as an autistic daughter of an immigrant adhd mom who did not listen to my needs growing up and still struggles to understand now

Irene, I love your content and thank you for posting this. It was very brave of both you and your mom to address these topics so directly and publicly. I can only begin to understand the hardships you experienced growing up. Thank you for giving us a window into your lived experience.

How wonderful to see you have such an open conversation with your mother, without either of you blowing up and being defensive. There is a lot of love here. I can see how your mom is just being honest about where she was at that time. And having you question her in a way that allows both of you to keep the conversation going. Our parents’ generation just didn’t know there were such things of diagnoses. If I was in her shoes at that point in time, I would’ve been so hard on myself, like, “Why am I such a bad mother? Why can’t I connect with my child?” But I don’t know if I would’ve even entertained a diagnosis to be the bridge to connect us. Our parents were very, “It is what it is.” And label us as bad, lazy children. Look at you two now, though-the communication and being open to seeing each other’s side is HUGE. Had you two done this a lot before the video? How did you get to this place? Time and maturity? That’s how it worked in my case. This was a very triggering conversation, but so helpful in more ways than I can count. I just found your channel, and I’m happy I did. Thanks to the both of you for sharing these experiences.

Kudos to both of you for being able to have this conversation to begin. I commend the effort it took, with many things at stake for both of you, and helping provide a starting point for others in your situation who are at a loss on how to even have a conversation to begin. Psych education on autism and allism as a relational communication complex has done a massive service to many. I wish both of you inner peace, in your individual journeys and your shared one. ♥️

Thank you for this ❤️ sending to my mom

This was so profound, I am flummoxed ngl, as somebody who isn’t as familiar with any of the autistic mannerisms and difficulties and realities, I learned a lot and I’m thankful for your transparency 🙏🏾. This was such a beautiful, and difficult conversation. I’m glad you had it out as people who know each other and love each other, because it was at times very brutal and very confrontational, but ultimately and essentially was showing the truth and being as bare as possible. I’m really thankful, and I’m sure your relationship grew stronger as a result of honesty and understanding ❤

My mother complained to everyone that would listen about my behavior but couldn't find any help. 80s and 90s smart kids didn't get these diagnoses.

I just wanna say how glad I am the algorithm suggested your channel to me. I'm Autistic, and I find the way you speak about the Autistic experience just resonates so well with me. I tend to not watch alot of content about being Autistic these days, but the way you speak and relay information about ASD makes me feel really glad that people will be finding you, and having information delivered to them in a really kind, chill, informed way. so.... thank u for your excellent work!

Thank you so much for sharing this, I think I’ll watch it with my mom to start a conversation about this exact thing. I could relate to each point, and I think she will to. We’ve had a surface level version of this where she said she just didn’t know what to do a lot of the time with me when I was young. Hopefully future generations can overcome this.

Girl you are so strong for doing this and I want to say thank you so much for all your videos. I'm proud of you. It's really important to educate about these things and knowing there are more autistic women with parents that are not supportive is kind of a "relief" to me, not because it's something good but because I know I'm not alone. My mother is narcissistic too, she always makes everything about her and she just says I was crying all day when I was a child, NOW I realize those were meltdowns... She's always telling me I'm lazy, too dramatic, and all those harmful things. It's so sad to hear your mom say "of course" to the question "was I a hard child to raise?" as if she didn't 100% DECIDE to have you! Sending love xx.

Great video, as always I can see your mother struggles to word her thoughts when it comes to this subject and that this is a difficult topic for you two but it is something very important to discuss (when possible, of course) I was pretty lucky to have a mostly normal childhood, I only started to struggle from 5th grade onward. My mom didn’t understand why I struggled so much with socializing and judged me for slowly distancing myself from our family members. I was officially diagnosed a couple of months ago and she said it finally made sense for her. We don’t have the best relationship in the world (I struggle a lot with family relationships) but at least now we are both aware of my condition and can actually work to make things easier for both of us. I love your videos and wish you nothing but the best! I rarely say this but I don’t understand how you don’t have thousands and thousands of views per video, they’re all so great!

I'm a mum, recently diagnosed with ADHD and self diagnosed. Still navigating through my own diagnosis whilst learning about my children's struggle who also show traits of ND. Having come from an abusive relationship myself i can feel overwhelmed with learning about Autism/ADHD and all the other responsibilities parenting come with. This podcast was super insightful. I truly empathise with both of your journeys and the struggles you've gone through.

God I wish I could do this with my mom, she would deny ever treating me badly or turn herself into the victim. So glad to see some type of talk between mother and daughter, it heals me.

I really admire this video and you're very strong for being able to do this. Around 21-25 mins in especially I see you're getting quite distressed (and you do mention you're getting triggered in the later half)-- arms folded, guarding yourself, taking a deep breath but not in an obvious or dramatic way, in order to calm yourself, your eyes started really darting around so you could carefully choose your words-- the way you handled everything was very admirable and strong. I also, as a late-diagnosed autistic adult woman (29, diagnosed at 27), struggle(d) with not doing things that didn't make sense to me. My mom also shamed me for a lot of physical appearance things because she feared judgment and standing out, but I kept doing me because her reasons didn't make any sense. I also questioned her like you did and she was also having that realization of never actually questioning that. It's interesting how little our parents practiced critical thinking, but it sadly just created very traumatized adults-- made even worse for autistic/neurodivergent adults. I am happy that your mom seemed relatively receptive to you/the conversation/learning as well as that can be difficult with people in their generation especially. Our generation has to deal with a lot of resentment and they just don't understand why because they were just ignorant.

Good job to both of you for going through this together. 💕

so very brave of both of you to be having such a vulnerable conversation, on camera. Thank you for doing this!!! I love your videos xxx

Irene, this is amazing. Thank you so much from the very bottom of my heart. and Thank you too Irene's mom!!

This video was super helpful. I think it’d be easy for some to be judgmental towards your mother, but like you said, it’s not so black and white. I understood how you felt and all I could think about was how thankful I am to be autistic myself while raising my autistic child. We’re able to always meet in the middle with compassion, understanding, logic, and explanation. I think my autism allows me to see things much differently than a neurotypical parent would and will greatly have a positive effect on her upbringing. Im able to drop that “because I said so” pride. If she “sasses” me or is upset, I get it. If you choose to raise a child one day, there will be difficulties, but this will be your super power!

Got a minute for some co-curricular activity storytime? Hearing about all your childhood activities and the effect they had on you, and your mother's reaction got me thinking... My godmother was fairly well off and was kind enough to pay for horse riding lessons for me for YEARS, because I loved horses and all four of her daughters had been riders so it made sense to her that I would want that also. She even paid for me to part-lease a horse - I don't know what that entailed financially but it just meant that I got to look after and ride someone else's horse that was part of the riding school when they weren't there. That made me so happy, to have this connection with first beautiful stubborn Emma (she wouldn't work well with just anybody and people called me stubborn too so we got along... she died of colic, oh god my heart) and then Phooey, this lovely little horse who could jump way higher than you'd guess and was my friend. I was so incredibly lucky and privileged to have all of that, and I knew it at the time (obviously not as well as I do now, with greater context). But the weekly lessons were on Friday afternoons. After an entire week of school, I was supposed to pull on a tight pair of jodhpurs in a hot car, sometimes no snack or drink and go straight from school to a lesson with my amazing but a bit abrasive teacher and all the sensory overwhelm of switching from primary school to a country riding setting on top of a large animal I may or may not know very well, depending who was available. And this is in Australia so fairly good weather, but sometimes the sun is so bright, you can't stand it and so hot, you can feel your skin burn in under a minute (somehow, it always hit me first). Holy freaking moly. I often moaned and whined to get my mum to cancel the lesson. I didn't even understand why, and I was so mad at myself, but I just couldn't do it. What's worse, if my mum refused to let me out of it and managed to force me into my gear, out of the car and onto a horse - THEN I WAS FINE, HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE. You'd think knowing that would have got me out of those meltdowns more (and I think it did, eventually, as I got older) but of course not, you can't just overpower sensory overwhelm at will, at least not without a lot of practice, tools and support. This dynamic of me not wanting to go, but loving it if I managed to get there, drove us all crazy and kept the situation going for a few years, thank goodness for our collective persistence (said with hindsight - I did love being with horses) Thinking about it now is rough as guts, I feel so bad for my little self and I still feel the same confusion, anger, frustration and misery at missing out on something I loved for reasons I couldn't describe and could barely understand. I also feel bad for my mum, not understanding the situation and getting super frustrated, but it's hard... because I feel like I HAVE to feel more sympathy for myself, because that's what I had to do at the time - she didn't have much, and there was no one else, so it had to come from me. So even now, as an adult and long after she died, it's still really hard to fully extend that sympathy to her position, because I'm so stuck trying to protect myself from feeling utterly alone, completely misunderstood and somewhat genuinely despised. It feels a little stupid because I can't even do it as a theoretical exercise when I'm low (which is pretty frequent) - I mean, she's not even around for my sympathy or forgiveness to even be offered, what's the problem? But it hurt so much going through most of my childhood feeling like I had to be fundamentally different in order for anyone, but particularly my mother and only parent, to even consider loving me. Um. Heavy. But thanks for helping me think through those memories in context of my actual neurodiversity rather than "Well, you have always sucked, haven't you?" Gosh, I identify with your experiences related here so much! Edit: Ha, forgot - I'm AuDHD (ADHD diagnosed, ASD self identified, in diagnostic process). Seems self evident, but good to identify.

Appreciate the bravery of both you and your Mum in sitting before the camera and talking about such personal and difficult history. I really want to show this video to my own parents. I relate so much to what you’re saying as a Western Chinese woman on the spectrum, such as the cultural stigma of being ‘not normal’ and the difficulty in getting traditional Chinese parents to understand autism and how it relates to you. I’m the same way with how I always want to get to the point of issues, whereas my parents never can say anything directly. This is such an important video that gives insight into the difficulties experienced by autistic Chinese children growing up in a demanding and restrictive culture. Thank you both for making this video.

yes I relate, it is so hard to be misunderstood in this way. I was pushed into all these activities that were all overwhelming for someone as sensitive as I am .

You were both right about the importance of more education in society for adults to help kids earlier, with more understanding, and peer support. ( As mentioned, each of you experienced isolation as both a neurodivergent child, and also a mother who was trying to fit into the culture around her, whether as in the Asian American community, and/or the different gender and social expectations in the US that was still less aware about neurodiversity at that time. Understanding continues to evolve.) This was a very courageous thing for both of you to address together. Thank you.

Our mom was probably similar on where she thinks that we were just throwing tantrums to get what we want. It might have been true as a toddler but as I grow up, Im always the "too sensative" chid or have anger issues. Ironically, my mom changed profession as a special needs teacher when I was 10 (she said it was simply because it was the only vacancy available). After that, she probably saw that I have similar meltdowns as her students. But even then she always resorted to alternative treatment (mostly because her father is one of the one doing the alternative treatment) to "fix" me. I felt very invalidated to the point I doubt my own personality. She did mention that she suspected that I was autistic in my late teens but due to multiple reasons, i rejected her offer to start theraphy. Ive only started ro go to theraphy once I made my own mony as that was basically my bucket list. Now Im on med for ADHD and sometimes my mom does point out on "weening off" the meds. I do suspect that she also has adhd because the two of us are extremely forgetful 😅

My mother was quite similar to your mom in how she handled me when I was a kid (with undiagnosed autism spectrum back then, I'm 29M) My mother deep down knew here was something wrong with me, she told me how i used to get upset and cry (meltdowns) when I was a little boy over things that I didn't agree with, there was so many signs that I needed more help professional in the education system too ( I struggled with education, because I was not confroming to the norms at all and I've got historical learning difficulties with my ASD). So just like your mother...my mother also just thought i was throwing temper tantrums, she couldn't understand why back then I had meltdowns or shutdowns or even at some point be muted (mutism) at certain times. She also couldn't understand why I behaved so differently compared to my brother who is a year younger than me and also has ADHD but was still able to do normal things, while I didn't do the normal things. it took me al the way up to my late 20s (28, last year) I'm now 29 to get my diagnosis that I have ASD and for me it was a sense of relief and happiness, because it answered a lot of my questions in my head (all those years ago) i started to get flashbacks of my childhood and my teenagerhood as well when they disclosed it to me. That was when I realised that i wasn't being weird at all, I was being me. I only started masking when I got in my adulthood, because I was quite ashamed of who I was, I didn't know how to embrace my slef yet (I'm referring to my late teens and early 20s) it took me so many years with challenges and struggles to overcome a lot of it be comfortable with who I am. A lot of the times it got so bad that I questioned why i even exist at certain times, because I felt I was misunderstood by my friends and family. But now, I feel better because I'm to discover there are people like me out there who have gone through a similar experience. I'm happy I'm not the only one out there.

Your school behavior issues and constant questioning of hierarchies/authority figures and stupid rules was VERY relatable to me.

to be honest tho it is really nice of your mother to say, she sees you as a normal child despite your behaviors, like se sees you as normal, even with a diagnoses, she knows what you could behave like and can act differently now and keeping on pushing on her trying to get out of her to tell you, you are not normal, I think is kind of trying to put her on the spot to reinforce that

Hi Irene, thank you for creating this content. It has helped me immensely as a mom. I am in the process of getting my son diagnosed with ASD at the age of 25. For years I have been researching what the root cause of his behavior is, leading to a graveyard of supplements and doctor appointments and books. Growing up, his defiance was through the roof. I remember actually having him sign a contract for an after school activity he wanted me to sign him up for which always ended in meltdowns and such struggle. I couldn’t understand why he would want to sign up for things when it created such stress for him. I have a daughter that I needed to take to sports as well and we were always late due to his meltdowns. The contract stated that he was the one that wanted to participate and he would be ready to leave at a timely manner. After doing all the research, it got me nowhere closer. When he went to college, my stress was through the roof. If he didn’t answer my texts or calls, it was gut wrenching. I would get calls from him in the middle of the night to ask me to come over which was 1.5 hours away. Of course, I would pack my belongings and jet out the door. This created a lot of tension with my husband and my father. It would create added stress since they were afraid he wasn’t doing well but then more stress about me driving in the middle of the night. One time, after getting off the freeway, a drunk driver was driving on the wrong side of the street coming straight at my car. I finally reached out to a therapist to help me cope. Her advice was to let him know, I will get help for you in the morning or turning my phone off. NOT helpful and not something I could ever bring myself to do. The only helpful thing she mentioned when I told her I suspected he has BPD is that BPD and ASD overlap. That is when I saw so many similarities and it made more sense. My husband and I feel like such idiots that we couldn’t see it before. My son has also excelled in school and every single one of his teachers loved him. His manager at work actually teared up during his exit interview when he was leaving to college. I say this to preface that with all this, I never suspected ASD. It wasn’t even on the radar. I sense your annoyance with your mom for not knowing how to cater to you. As a mom myself and growing up in an abusive home and having to go through life trying to unravel that, I would like to say that when you become a parent, no one gives you a handbook. You’re plagued with your own past childhood trauma’s and you do the best with what you have. I would do anything for my kids but I don’t what I don’t know. I resonated with your mom when she said, you seemed normal but you had behaviors that weren’t normal. My son was diagnosed with ADHD during high school and not once was ASD mentioned. If a doctor didn’t catch it, it would be difficult for anyone else to come to that conclusion. My hope is that you forgive your mom for not catching it sooner. I love my kids and seeing them suffer is the last thing I want. If I had known what I know today, of course I would do things differently.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm sure it's a very traumatic experience. This video lays out every single common stereotypes in a very obvious way. I felt so angry during some parts. I just wanted to hug little Irene 🥺 It's difficult for me to empathize with your mom, but at the same time, I recognize how generational this mindset seems to be. So many parents in that generation seems to think that way. And as if it wasn't hard enough, Asian culture seems to amplify these patterns even more. All I can say is that your reactions were very normal. I'm sure most neurodivergent people can relate. Thanks to you and your mom for allowing us to see that ❤

This was triggering but healing and I wish I could have told my mom how much it hurt me to be locked alone in my room when I had meltdowns. Thanks for sharing this. My mom is still alive and I wonder if I’ll ever have the courage to have this sort of talk with her.

Well done to you both for being willing to have this conversation, and the courage to share it publicly. It was triggering to watch having living some very similar experiences myself, but the moment at the end of you thanking your Mum and her responding in a heartfelt way was comforting. I felt for both of you during this conversation, you mum, for being able to endure your hard questioning, and for yourself, as I can only imagine how hard revisiting those past traumatic memories would be, especially when many are connected to the person you're speaking with. Again, thanks for sharing. I'm a new subscriber and getting a lot of value from the videos I'm watched so far.

Thank you Màmà for the interview. Me relate a lot with the "why" and the immigrant culture unacceptableness of died hair. As early as potty training i have been known to ask why and adults often said i talk to much... i talked and asked questions because i was trying to understand.

Wow Irene, you are an incredible being! I admire your courage in bringing your mom on set for such a difficult topic. I am an Asian American woman, 33 years old, who just self-diagnosed with Asperger's/autism. I remember the meltdowns well and it was clear that my parents thought I was a bad kid based on this. Ironically, my neurodivergent father was the hardest on me, and thought he could employ some kind of psychotherapy to change me but it backfired on him. My mom is a bit narcissistic and probably won't have the patience to understand this video, but I would like to show it to her. There are a lot of similarities and the way your mom glosses over your neurodivergence as "but yeah, why don't you just be normal, that's what all parents want for their kids" brings up some familiar infuriation from me. Thank you for grounding us all in self-care and mindfulness as well, you are wise as hell.

I totally see everything in this conversation about how you are triggered. It is something that takes a lifetime to resolve our needs were ignored. At this point your mind needs a lot of kindness too. She struggled too and wasn’t provided the right tools. It was harder for her too. All the trauma you both received instead of support.. she was trying to be there for you all the time. Thank you both for sharing so much together. As a parent I am doing a lot and I think I am avoiding and improving things that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.

I am sure that both myself and my daughter have autism/adhd I think my daughter is much more unmasked than I am. I try to be sensitive but have unfortunately said and done things that have made her feel the same as you have, I also received the same from my mother and felt very alone and misunderstood. I don’t mean to do it but sometimes I forget she struggles so much because she looks normal. And I often hope that I’m wrong and she can be taught to cope better. also I am triggered by her meltdowns because I hate loud noises so it’s very hard to manage. Even though I understand a lot of what she is going through I have different experiences. And sometimes societal pressure and ignorance can become too important. To parent and support her in her comfort takes everyone to be on board and so many people don’t understand. Sometimes my worry and stress and fear makes me want to force her to learn how to get on with things 😢 now I’m a mother I understand how we can get it so wrong sometimes. And unfortunately being so misunderstood can be traumatic for autistic and adhd people.

'locked you in a room until you do your work', mmmmmmmmmmmmm hearing that sure stokes a special kinda rage, my biggest fear since getting my diagnosis a month ago is facing more isolation and judgement from others. Late diagnosis at 30 goddamn sucks.

Seriously thank you so much for this. We have had identical experiences. Thank you so so so much ❤

Ahhh thank you from bottom of my heart I learn so much from you Love from Denmark Thank you million❤❤❤❤❤❤❤from Denmark

Wow - thank you to you both for this conversation. The fact that your mum is willing to participate, never mind actually interact with you like this is powerful. That’s love ❤️ X

Oof this was heavy. We’re all products of society, time, traditions and our own upbringing. I’m glad your mom has been open to learning ❤

Thanks you for this video. Being an autistic mom of five and having experienced much of what you described myself I think that generation didn't have any clues to what we were experiencing. I blame the medical system for not educating mental health practitioners. The damage done to so many of us can never be measured but left us with severe challenges along with societal stigmas have left some of us pretty disabled 😢

binging ur videos and i admire how u advocate for ur child self. i shut down at invalidation, and am still working towards being able to advocate for myself.

This is so therapeutic to watch 😢My parents are so similar to your mother. I am an INFP btw There’s so many similarities between your dynamic and mine as well😊 Probably off topic but Omg you look so cute as a kid and just so beautiful ❤

Hi, I was diagnosed like this week lol, at age 26 (and a cis woman Your mother seems sweet and I love her voice, she speaks super calmly. I'm very grateful that she agreed to talk with you (and us) about your upbringing, how hard it was for her and how you reflected on how difficult it was for you. It was very insightful and I appreciate it. Thank you

I empathize with you both very much. Frequently growing up I was hurt deeply by my parents treating me like a "normal kid" in situations where I couldn't cope due to my ASD. Sometimes it's hard not to feel resentful for those times, as I feel you must be talking about it, but I try my best to understand my parent's perspective despite it. Only recently has society grasped the breadth of ASD and other conditions, and people like you or me were just unlucky enough to grow up before the widespread dissemination of this knowledge, and the shift of culture and acceptance of it. I wish you both peace in your current relationship, and appreciate hearing both your experiences.