Terrance and Phillip star in the film "Not Without My Anus." In the first scene, Terrance is on trial for murder. He and his lawyer, Phillip, fart a lot.
"Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus" S02
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INT. COURTROOM - DAY
The Prosecuting Attorney, SCOTT, is standing before a
jury.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
Ladies and gentleman, before you today
sits a murderer. On the night in
question, this monster entered the
home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck
him repeatedly in the head with this
hammer.
The Prosecutor holds up a hammer. It has blood and hair
all over it.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT (CONT'D)
That monster is sitting right over
there and his name is Terrance!
He points to the defense table where Terrance sits and
shrugs nonchalantly and then lifts his ass cheek to fart.
His defense attorney, Phillip, laughs.
PHILLIP
Oh, Terrance, you've farted in court.
TERRANCE
Yes, Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
The Prosecutor continues, pacing in front of the jury.
He has before him an endless table of physical evidence.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
All of these things link Terrance to
the murder. Hair fibers, blood
samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt...
He holds up the fabric. Terrance casually covers the rip
on his sleeve and smiles at the jury.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
A watch with his initials on it, a
dayplanner with the murder scheduled...
The prosecutor holds up the dayplanner page. It has a
skull and crossbones and says, "Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer
7:30. Dinner with the McCullough's 8:15."
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
...a haiku called Time To Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer
(counting the syllables on his hand as he reads)
"Doctor O'Dwyer, Time to have your
head smashed in, with my new hammer."
Terrance shrugs.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
Terrence, you may be a famous surgeon
but you're not God! Do you think
you're God?! J’accuse, Terrance!
With a big dramatic fingerpoint, we pan quickly over to
Terrance. He smiles at the jury, then farts.
TERRANCE
Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
PHILLIP
Yes, please.
Terrance lifts his ass cheek and farts a different
sounding fart.
TERRANCE
That's called the monkey claw because
it feels like my colon is being ripped
apart by a thousand monkeys!
PHILLIP
The monkey claw is smelly!
Terrance laughs. The OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE smacks her
gavel and speaks in a slow, drowsy southern-Canadian
drawl like a hillbilly bear.
OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
Come on, get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here.
PHILLIP
My sentiments exactly, your honor. I
see from your accent that you’re
Southern-Canadian.
OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
That is correct.
Phillip stands and addresses the jury.
PHILLIP (CONT'D)
Good people of the jury. My client,
Terrance, is an innocent man.
Phillip farts.
TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip, now you've farted during
the closing argument.
PHILLIP
I have, haven't I, Terrance?
He farts again. The jurors start to smile.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
Your honor, the defense is trying to
make a mockery of this court! They
think that farts are funny!! But they’re not!!
OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
Sustained.
PHILLIP
Good people of the jury. My client,
Terrence, is no more a murderer than
you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things.
He shows a picture of Terrance giving a carrot to a llama.
PHILLIP (CONT'D)
Would a murderer go to the zoo and
feed animals like this? Of course not.
So, in summation, find Terrance
innocent... Or else he’ll KILL you!!
The jury gasps.
PHILLIP (cont’d)
Ha, ha! Just kidding!
Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.
PHILLIP (cont’d)
The defense rests.
Phillip crosses to his chair. He stops and farts on the
Prosecutor again as he passes.
SCOTT
God dammit! That isn’t funny!!
JUDGE
Madame foreperson, have you reached a
verdict so we can get hell out of here?
FOREPERSON/WOMAN
We have, your honor. We have found
Terrance, in the above entitled action
of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer...
Just then, Terrance lets a huge fart rip and it drowns
out the verdict. He and Phillip roar with laughter.
Everyone looks around confused.
JUDGE
You're gonna have to repeat that
verdict because we had some flatulence issues.
FOREPERSON/WOMAN
I said, we find Terrance...
Terrance lets another one rip. We still can't hear the
verdict. He and Phillip laugh their asses off and fart.
The forewoman screams in between farts.
FOREPERSON/WOMAN (CONT'D)
We find Terrance........Not guilty!
Terrance hugs Phillip.
PHILLIP
Did you hear that, Terrance. You're
not guilty!
28 авг 2024
