The Altruistic Narcissist 

Some of this is flat out spiritual abuse. Could you address this devestating issue, please?

There are people who act selflessly and never expect admiration or some other payoff: people who rsscue animals. Animals may clearly be grateful for kindness or extreme rescue. But they don't bestow money & fame or lavish public praise on the altruist who saves them. Of course i don't mean the people who make videos of themselves doing the rescuing & then post them on YT asking for donations. But there are lots of people who quietly rescue animals & never brag about it.

Narcissistic father has caused ongoing splits in relationships between adult offspring e.g how sons and daughters feel about their past and future with him. Thanks for your helpful talks

Do you have a video on a NARC using the silent treatment after a disagreement?

Would love to hear your response to my question

They always do that

exact

Yep

“Here! I got u something! I love u! Now go away!” Is how a lot of parents show their love to their children

They want to keep you- so they find a way.

Nice work!!!

I was hoping it was Ian Paisley. Drat.

"I am also here but not sure why." - Will Wheaton

True charity is something you don't need to blast on Facebook. True charity is done on the down-low.

Truths!

Even used and that don't work.

They will will also UN-give presents if you don't "utilize them properly"...

@@NunYaO you are so right!

My neighbour is a ultralist narc defo. I have a lot of visitors, im sure giving me things like water soup 😁, is because she has to be seen as popular, also she needs to keep me as prey for her antics. They are money mad as well.

They will give YOU the gifts that people gave to THEM, because they didn't like them. That's why the gifts often seem weird and inappropriate.

These kind of people are the WORST and very hard to spot. I am currently going through the same thing with someone that has been a close "friend" for years. I only noticed all these behaviors recently and I am really thinking of how I can get out...

@@agbaya1000 No contact! That solution, however, also comes with a price. But the good thing about going no contact is that you slowly realize that you've known this truth about the covert narc for ages but you just wouldn't believe what your gut feeling told you. You might be on your own for a while, you might be caught up in financial woes as a result of this - but you will survive. I wish you all the best.

@@weenajensen4670 Thank you so much! Wishing you the best too on your journey of breaking away. I have not seen her in almost 3 weeks and keep coming up with excuses for why I cant meet. I need to cut her out completely. It's not easy as you said. She is one of the very few people I was very close to. I've had a weird feeling about her in my gut for years but I doubted them. I am going through financial strain but I will rather eat pot noodles than rely on her. I like many others have fallen on hard times over the last year. I lost my job and I started a small business, early days of that are never easy and it has affected my mental health. The altruistic narcissist wanted to offer to pay for my therapy as she has the means to but I declined after I finally figured out who she is. She also offered to get me a small position at the company she works at, a small company where she has a high position. I also declined because I don't want the role and I now know it is the perfect opportunity for her to exert further control on me. She was upset at me some weeks ago because a mutual acquaintance was having a bachelorette weekend filled with several activities of which she paid for one of them for me to attend. I told her thank you and I appreciate it and went for this activity. She asked if I wanted to come for the other activities and I declined cause I saw it as unnecessary for her to pay for the whole thing since it is so expensive. She kept pressuring me and nagging me non stop to attend. I kept declining and then she got upset. It was this point I realised who I was dealing with and put the pieces of the puzzle together from over the years. All the belittling comments, control tactics, constantly speaking over me, putting down my opinions or getting upset if we don't share the same opinions, constant complain of either how people are "not on her level" "people are "jealous" of her", "people don't appreciate all she does for them".. It was exhausting. I am so upset at myself for not seeing this earlier.

@@agbaya1000 try being married to it and wake up almost 30 years later don’t be hard on yourself it’s easy to miss this it’s so insidious many times and that’s what they mean by covert really soonest dangerous type because it is hard to see until you’re entrenched in their web! And even then you know somethings off but you don’t know what it is for many more years and therapist won’t tell you what it is cause unethical for them to tell you you’re being abuse cell is horrible I need the kids traumatized your traumatized horrible again don’t blame yourself it’s not your fault! This is their issue not yours

That’s my (soon-to-be-ex) all over.

Yep! My brother did that with our mum.

So sad, i really pity your mother! 😓

I understand this very much.

Yup! I know this very well!

The Neglectful Narcissist combined with the Community/Altruistic Narcissist. It is SO hurtful!

Exactly 💯 percent

Oh, how true. The worst narcissists I've met have always been the super nice sweet types with a lovely great smile. The annoying thing is that no one sees them for what they are. Truth is that personal likeability dictates how you will be treated in life, not how truly upright, good or sincere you are.

@@PotterSpurn1 I think it's a good idea to be wary of those who want to be "cool" and "sexy" more than anything else. There is one celebrity philanthropist I know of who places great premium on those qualities, and talks about giving a speech at the United Nations. (Clearly one of the highlights of his life.) He might be unaware of the fact that the United Nations is the proverbial "wolf in sheep's clothes". I saw a dictionary definition that defines the word "cool" as "the quality of being fashionably admirable and impressive". I am very, very wary of the whole idea of being "cool".

That's jy mother sweet and sickly through to nasty as hell. I hate the sweetness because it's a lie. The truth is she is bitter and contemptuous and treats with disdain! It's all a con

Wisest comment ever

Ohhh that’s me

Transactional always

These are the kind of people who would help someone in need just so others could see how great they are.

@@taraarrington2285 absolutely seen that behavior-a public and private persona very different and carefully cultivated. Personally it feels a lot like gaslighting to me when I’m witnessing and/or experiencing both of those personas turn off and on in the same person. Seems they are most invested in reassuring themselves more than anyone that they are not actually capable of behaving in the shallow mean spirited ways they do towards some of the people in their lives.

These people will steam plow you to get what they want and then call you selfish

Soo sorry :( I can't even imagine how hard this must have been all your life .... and still is 😥

Yes. This sums up my mother and worse, she would rope in my sister and me into the latest trendy charity that's getting lots of publicity, praise, admiration and all that.

💔 The hardest part for me was - still is - learning where to draw the line with giving. I’ve been in so much danger because of belief that says, “you must give to (take care of) others”…

I would kick that kind of mom rght in the @...moms are suppose to love protect and help a child grow and a mom s job never ends ..my child is my biggest concern and grandkids and in my life I can’t can’t can’t understand it when someone does not have the maternal instinct. Sounds like your mom was not taught well by someone or raised in a home where there was some things missing I don’t know but hunny you can’t waste the rest of your life looking back. Be the mom and grandma you didn’t have and I realize old wounds take time to heal but try to keep thoughts good my oldest wisest dad said ...don’t compare and don’t dwell ...and wake each day wth a purpose ...there s a world out there wth much to do. Simple things to enjoy wth loved one s ...bloom where you are planted and attitude is what determines your day well I don’t know why so many people waste time looking back I do the same thing and media seems to keep people dwelling on things that I don’t know just open up discussions but do they really do any good but I guess people need to relate and release. Namaste love and light to you. Enjoy your life and dad must have gone thru things too many people I met that seem to want praise came from dysfunctional things and try to learn from past so it does not keep you in a place of buried emotion s that surface in not healthy way s. And remember things that are good. Hugs.to you pearl girl ..be the change you want to see I often say to myself on days when life gets me down and make life better for those around you giving is also a big time key to happy living. I work in a hospital and there so many opportunities to give. It’s a good feeling that makes my often frustrating day much better. Well now I tired from typing lol thanks for listening to my words of wisdom ..

Also I am a very intuitive empathic human that does some very nonjudgmental things thru out the day because I sometimes feel driven by some force it hard to explain but an example I recently was on same path of someone older than me and I felt bad fir this person as many health prob brought on by addiction I knew this man was very selfish minded and did sone shady things but at this moment was facing some not good hardship s I kept pic him as a child and felt at some point he was an innocent happy child and I felt like I know this sound strange but someone up there wanted me to help this person well it feels good to give and I brought him some thing to take his mind off of trouble ( failing heart and lungs ) sometimes compassion is what we should focus on and I am not perfect by no means but giving and esp to my family is the best joy in my life and helps me in this life. It s too bad your mom was the way she was but hunny like I said. Learn from it and teach your loved ones the joy of giving but don’t go overboard lol well rise and shine and don’t look back your not going that way ..today is what matters and improving I know a person in my circle that struggled wth addiction and is 5 years clean ! I love love love it when people grow and succeed ! It what we on thus earth to do.

Yeah, I know the type. She said then no because it wasn't under her conditions, she didn't control it. Everything was about her, not about you. You were always just part of her empire, you had no say in the matter.

Wow. This is just like my narcissist. She would would randomly send money to our extended family in our country to look like she was a super caring and kind person to everyone (she made sure it was not in secret she sent the money lol). But when I asked her for help to finish my last semester in college because I had run out of scholarships she told me to figure it out on my own. I don’t ask her for help anymore. She will gloat about how she helped me or worse act like I’m weak for asking for help.

Typically the vulnerable for a little kids doesn’t matter who it is it’s always somebody that doesn’t know how to do anything and it’s like why do you ask them to help you if you’re gonna complain about it

Agreed!

I mean, I'm just some godless secular humanist trying to be a decent person... but I'll admit that the bible does hold some pearls of wisdom. One that more "True Christian TM"s should pay more attention to is Matthew 6:1-4: "Be careful that you don’t do your charitable giving[a] before men, to be seen by them, or else you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. 2 Therefore, when you do merciful deeds, don’t sound a trumpet before yourself, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may get glory from men. Most certainly I tell you, they have received their reward. 3 But when you do merciful deeds, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand does, 4 so that your merciful deeds may be in secret, then your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly." www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6&version=WEB

“So when you make gifts of mercy, do not blow a trumpet ahead of you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be glorified by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.” Matthew 6:2

WOW, my mother is not religious, but she does the same.

The ideas of Dr Joe Dispenza may help in the healing process. They've helped me a lot. *A lot!*

Laura M i too am or was a people pleaser, and looking back was very easy to manipulate. I guessed i didn't understand boundaries, I hear everything you say feeling like I had to say yes ir be punished. I was brought up with being told do as I say not as I do. I was never hungry or cold but I just don't feel I got the emotional needs met (hope thst doesn't make me woke!) Also told I was too sensitive... Darren F Magee I just don't understand my family, its really complicated

Sadly we can at times tie ourselves up in knots trying to understand some people

they act as if saying no is telling them to fuckoff, and guilt you to death with it.

Sounds true!! Strings attacks.

Oh my gosh! This is me! I’m 34 and I was weaseled into moving into my aunts house and slowly she made me financially dependent on her to the point where I felt I was incapable of being a full functioning adult without her help. I’m the middle of untangling myself from her and your comment gave me so much hope. Yay I’m not the only one in my 30s figuring this out (and from a family member not a romantic partner).

Praise His Holy Name.

These types are all over that Farcebook constantly gathering up for themselves attention and praise by collecting money for their causes, but behind the scenes some of know exactly who and what they really are.

I’m married one of those great guys that turned out to be a daydream turn into hell and a nightmare where you have my parents fooled and everybody and my dad‘s company it was a mess!

Some churches too.

And if they don't, who cares! ❤

@@arleneshanley9889 exactly!

@@BigHeartNoBS something that I remember from before all the trauma: this is me. If you don't like it, then, I'll consider the source.

They'll suck the life out of you in the name of Jay-suss

I am just figuring this out and I’m in my mid-40s and yes we become the laughingstock‘s the ones that don’t want to do for ourselves the lazy ones. I don’t think going to college and getting a degree is lazy and I barely sat in my furniture during the whole pandemic and it was brand new I was always doing something.

I agree you do get the emotional feeling of being happy for that person and grateful that you were able to help them but I don’t think anybody should ever take it off their taxes or anything if they’re really truly doing something for someone else you shouldn’t get that free gift either which always bother me because that charity had to spend money to buy something just to get somebody to donate that’s crazy!!!

🎯🙏👍

Exactly.

It's callous and not genuine kindness, like trying to make the other feel guilty. And it's a form of dishonest behavior and contradiction on the narc's behalf, which can lead to cognitive dissonance. But I guess that's okay with narcs because they are a walking contradiction

@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 Truce as mine told me he didn’t feel loved but recently told me I deserve somebody great because I love unconditionally. Sounds like he knew exactly what he had! That’s why he stayed so long with me now he’s on the second one he was on the first one for the divorce was even done they didn’t last but a little over the year he’s got a new one in a different state Mrs. Texas

@@Portia620 wow, I believe it

Thank God the doctors behind it he can say that they don’t feel that she’s being taken good care of because of neglect of a person that is elderly is against the law so they can say that she’s not being taken good care of and they can have her removed and put into a home!! We’re hopefully she’ll get good care some of them homes aren’t the greatest either and I wish you the best sorry to hear this!

I should’ve read the Bible because the more I learned about it some more that there’s some very profound lessons that are so true in life. I went to Bible school as a little girl but there’s so much to learn. I know I wouldn’t be here today without God’s strength it’s amazing after being drained of everything from a narcissist

@@Portia620 Thank you for telling this about your own experience! I'm sure it also helps a lot to be able to pray to a loving and just God, and to forgive. God bless and keep you

It’s still an audience and it’s still self serving I guess

Yep, that family member becomes a servant, a marionette. Being controlled by manipulation and shame. Behind the giving there is big selfishness and behind that a power game.

@@dotendit This is a whole family situation in my extended family on a farm. Wow

@@Portia620 So sad!! It happens quite often and in the eyes of the outside world the bad person is the one who refuses to be grateful for such help and kindness ( even if they didn't ask for it or asked for something entirely different - it's never on their terms).

When I was broke and vulnerable I asked a "helpful" family member to "Please don't make a project out of me." Guess what happened?

My god, you found my ex.

They can't answer them; they just get angry and deflect.

That is horrible but in today’s world you can’t trust anybody especially when it comes to money when you’re buying a house and that’s all you have

Oh my gosh! The same thing happened to a former coworker of mine! She & her mother shared a home she'd raised her son in. Son & DIL persuaded mom & grandmom to take out a second mortgage to help he & his wife buy a house, and they'd make the payments. They reneged on the deal and she & her mom got foreclosure. Another coworker rescued them, but the woman still treasured visits from evil son and family. 🤦

Thank you for your suggestion 👍

Yes please I'd like that too. I think this type is the most popular about for me personally. Thanks in advance.

🏃‍♀️ RUN 🏃‍♀️

Simple runaway and don’t buy into anything and pay your own way

As soon as you notice them eating into the "Inappropriate Zone" (they won't start there, it'll seem innocent at first), SILENTLY consider your options and, if you are dependent on them in ANY way, deal with that first in such a way they don't know until it's over. For example, pack up and move out and mail the rent check, return valuables via certified mail, etc. If there's a timeline necessary make sure not to tip them off as you work at it. If you must lie to protect yourself, do it -- they have no interest in the truth except as they can use it to hurt you. If you have no dependencies, just cut ties and run. Don't let them suck you into defending, explaining, engaging, or personalizing -- block and ghost, or go low contact. There are so many better people out there. You don't need narcs (they "need" you).

Perhaps they actually feel lonely and vulnerable themselves -- perhaps they have low self-esteem and are trying to over-compensate for that?

@@alrinaleroux9229 you may be right . My dilemma was that can you go so far as risking your health to play the victim? . And the person is very capable of taking care of themselves . But they choose not to and then people feel bad for them .

@@ss-hm4ug OK, it's difficult to understand. Perhaps a false sense of security makes them behave in a more reckless, self-indulgent way. I think that is a temptation for me also sometimes, because there is a reason for consuming things that are unhealthy (comfort food, escapism, gluttony/hedonism).

I wonder how this amount of assistance is actually good for adult children? All the daycare, taking to all the lessons, classes, school. Parents time out free days. Errands. Gardening, housecleaning, home repairs. Taking children with on every vacation without the parents. Vacation with the parents present too is so grandparents take care of the grandkids and their adult friends kids…these are adult kids with good incomes, two parents - one stay at home parent in both couples. Feels like overcompensating and exhausting. But the adult kids appear they are all in. And the grandparents believe they are serving. There is an evangelical Christian background involved. I’m weirded out by the intensity of offloading responsibility but I raised my kids partially as a single parent, without support, so maybe I just don’t get it. One of my sister’s is doing this over the top grandparent role and her husband’s family is a large extreme religious group she’s been part of for many years. She’s also furious about our parents neglect and abuse. In any case I cannot do anything but listen to the recitation of good deeds and how much they are investing in these relationships. In detail.

You’re welcome 👍

Ugh. I had a roommate like this. She also had to write her name on everything. So annoying!

I saw a film clip once of Hitler visiting some kind of infirmary in Germany and putting on a false, supercilious, unctuous smile, pretending to be very polite towards the patients, while he was actually cold-bloodedly planning to introduce measures to have them killed ("euthanized" -- what is called "social cleansing").

Poor Jesus. How bout Zeus? He always expected something in it for him.

@@Donna-cc1kt I've always called it that because of how he presents any (supposedly) charitable action as though he's 'saving' someone; but I like your reference better...Zeus is definitely a better example of a narcissistic god-figure!