The Autistic go-to reaction of ANGER 

Been there... I never hit my daughter, I feared of being out of control. I've lived in suppression. I'm 57 years old finally getting all the answers. Adhd at 46.. Asd at 57. My dad committed suicide at age 29. He had a neurodivergent brain and a wrong diagnosis. It breaks my heart.

One therapist said I had bi-polar tendencies (and diagnosed with depression and ADHD), on account of the anger I displayed at home before I discovered Autism many years after my marriage fell apart.

When I tell you...having that level of rage and anger is so scary. I remember when I got sick for a solid week. I was angry at myself, my mom and all of my family members. Simply because I was sick and I couldn’t make myself better at a rate that I wanted or self isolate. That's one of my immediate triggers for rage. Being sick and people watching me be sick. I had never been so ashamed and so upset with myself about this one small silly thing. It's mainly due to how I've had to self isolate whenever I did get sick not wanting to make my mother sick and hear her blame me for it. The sh#t sucked hard. A huge thank you for posting this. It's nice to know that you're here letting others, like me, know you're not alone❤

Same for me. I was so ashamed of my anger. My friends called me “furious kid”. Now all makes sense. Breathing helps, also change of mindset to “it’s not my problem”. It changed with leveling up my self esteem. Even if I am angry, I can just silently tell to myself “fuck that” and take space to process. In the past I made many bad decisions based on my fury. Didn’t know until now that this is autistic trait. I am going to take an assesment - 31 y now

So my experience is a little different. I barely masked outside of my home and masked a lot in my home. I never questioned adults in and out of home, always took in everything they would do to me (except my grandfather, he was the worst, but regardless of my complaints, he never changed). With my peers tho... I never masked a lot. I was reactive, violent, screaming at them from the top of my lungs, sometimes I tried to just insert myself into a conversation (like I wasn't looking for a moment to blend in with a conversation or consider if they liked me or not, I wanted to talk - I would go for it. Of course it would end up in people not liking me even more). I was a meanace to society. But at home I was a lot more quieter and calmer. I tried not to make much noise and behave a lot more, even though sometimes I would slip. I think the reason I masked at home rather than outside is because 1) I care about my family the most and this is where my priority lies. I accepted the fact that I was "weird" for everyone else and that I was a "bad person", so I didn't bother to mask outside, and 2) my household wasn't the safest enviroment. My father left, mom got depressed, grandfather was violent himself (I would go into details why, but that would be trauma dumping. Let's say he wasn't typically violent like beating me up or beating with a belt, but it was still traumatic), nobody supported me or said anything nice when I was bullied and so much more. Since very young age I felt like I shouldn't report on horrible stull adults did to me (my teacher and grandfather) or my actions would cause our family to fall apart. That was my fear number 1 growing up, so I masked. Now, when I experience autistic burnout, after a surgery and still needing to survive, I discover more and more about myself and I do not hold back a lot of times. It actually feels so great to stop giving a shit and do what I need to feel better.

It’s alexithymia, which you acquire due to not picking up feelings from neurotypes with whom you cannot communicate naturally, but you are right, it gets better with age, learning theory of mind and empathy.

Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing your journey. This inspired me to hop back on the healing wagon

I don't think a typical anger management course is effective for Autistic Rage. When I was 13 I did attend one & it was atrocious. Early on the social worker was agitated by my "know it all attitude" & asked me if I'd like to lead our group therapy, so I did. While I learned a lot about other people & social work, I got nothing new about effective anger management out of months of attendance.

Definitely describes my anger. I had a counselor if I felt it build up but I didnt, it just went from 1-10 quickly.

I have that rage- I’ve broken so many things and sometimes when throwing things have hurt others- well hurt one other and it was my Mom. What I threw flew and hit her. She started crying and then I flash stopped. Everything inside me turned sick. I looked at where she was holding at the deep red welt that would definitely turn to a bruise. I wept. I apologized over and over. I picked up the pieces of what I broke and kept asking if she was okay or wanted me to leave. Mom hugged me. She told me it hurt, but knew I didn’t throw it at her. But she asked if I was willing to go get help. I said I was. That I hurt her and that’s not good. I’m in a lot better place now. I still get angry, but the outbursts don’t turn physical. I still have such deep shame there and a huge sense of gratitude for the love my Mom has for me. She does so much to help me succeed and I often try to do it without her feeling like as an adult myself now… she does too much for me. She won’t have it tho. She says I’m her little girl no matter what and she will help me cause she’s my Mom. So I just do my best to help her. I’m glad I have such a good relationship with my Parent. She has a heart of gold.

Trouble is when you're large enough and classical masculine and good enough at masking. You suddenly lose license to have anger and you become a threat instead of a person most people's eyes and it doesn't matter. To yourself and others it feels like once you control is gone so is your humanity. Some days this stuff is hard man.

om All of this! I also thought i needed anger management! and have these uncontrollable moments of just feeling pure rage..I have never considered it to be a meltdown ...makes so much sense

In my case my autism was hidden behind my mental illnesses. So all my autism symptoms were taken as mental health symptoms. A man at the bus stop spit on me and I blacked out and started whacking him with shopping bags. He wasn't hurt but I got really scared of what I was capable of. That was in 1999. That is the last time I hit anyone. I have since had two incidents of breaking things. One in the Emergency Room in 2009 and one in the psych hospital this year (I smashed a chair). I am pretty good at regulating myself normally but it is harder in the hospital.

Thank you so much for sharing this. My younger brother is turning 12 next week and over the past year has developed several behaviors, thought patterns, and emotional responses that have made it very difficult for him to function successfully in school and at home. One of these is him becoming highly angry very quickly over small too little to no cause and a times this leads not just yelling but also him doing things/becoming violent with objects etc. etc. He’s received a few mental health diagnosis from a psychiatrist evaluation but he was not assessed for autism and in fact the summary report that the psychiatrist wrote for the district stated that they did not consider what are some in his case because of the fact that mom has not reported yes to answering any of the questions about his early childhood that would’ve indicated what are some symptoms. This was all to me because I knew that there were plenty of instances when it was not diagnosed until later on in life. Put in mention that if they ask both if you have any suggestions on how to get professionals to consider doing an autism assessment, and what if any advice you might have regarding questions I could ask him about what he’s thinking/feeling during his outburst to try to figure out whether they might in fact be autism related anger/meltdowns, or something else.

You're proud of me? I'm proud of you! You're so awesome. And congrats on the arm implant. Did that issue with it being painful ever get resolved? I of course want you to be able to enjoy life. I learn from your videos. Thank you for them. Bless you and best wishes.

Would love a vid about more internal experieces of autism. Internal stimming... Internal meltdowns/shutdowns. I have had a few external meltdowns and have a well regulated fight response (from years of fawning to survive).. but the internal stuff would be helpful to know more about. I identify with struggling with others, and feeling like i need alone time to recover and reregulate. Also feeling very frustrated and angry with others without the skills to manage during rhe interaction, so i end up just holding it all in.

Jeezus, every time I wonder whether your videos will continue to resonate, you come out with another truth bomb. When I was your age, I kept all my anger and sadness inside and turned it inward, which totally quashed my self-esteem. I’m still struggling with my ability to emotionally regulate, so as to avoid wallowing in shame (which totally derails my productivity) or erupting at my family when I feel overwhelmed. I am also trying to help my kids manage their emotions. They are boy-girl twins, about to turn 14 this month, and they are both on the spectrum. My daughter was like you when she was between about 2-6 years old, but she switched to being extremely stoic after that and rarely shows emotions. She’s an extremely bright and verbal kid and holding it together in a mainstream school setting, but I worry that she’s holding too much inside. My son is exactly as you describe yourself. Instead of holding this in, he acts out. It began in 3rd grade when his needs were not being met during the pandemic (also coinciding with his other parent - my partner of 25 years - leaving me), and it got really bad from there. He would rip things off the wall, break every pen and pencil in the house, cut up clothes, pee on furniture and everything else in the house, tear up books (not just his - everybody’s) and spit on the floor. I worry about his future if he can’t find a way to self-regulate before he’s an adult. He could find himself arrested, beat up, or even shot by the police (as a neighbor’s son was a few years ago). On top of that, I am now a single mom with limited ability to replace what he destroys. Do you have any recommendations for how to help him feel seen and help him learn to get his needs met without destroying things? He’s at a special school right now that embeds therapy into each week, but I don’t think it’s intense enough to really take root in time. I believe Dialectical Behavior Therapy might be really transformative for him, but it may be difficult to access that kind of intense approach financially. If you have any insights to offer from your own experience - what started turning you away from a pattern of physical destruction and toward other ways of managing - I have my mind open to all ideas.

I cried after watching this video. Until listening to your words and hearing about your experience with anger Elena, i had been feeling SO alone and confused. I live with other people (and am not diagnosed with Autism or etc) and let's just say that my own anger has caused quite the tension in the home over this year so far. I absolutely thank you for your encouraging words and for being here for us Elena. I am most definitely in the thick of my anger + anxiety and depression too. The past 2 years have been so tough and it hasn't been getting any better but hopefully educating myself more and finding relatability in others will be helpful, even if i can't see it yet. ♡♡♡

Thanks, I can relate to this very closely.

Wow…this video hits hard. My narc mother really pulled out the rage in me. I would sometimes get into raging screaming matches to where I would be physically voice strained. And I’ve had issues with self harm as well. And with having ADHD as well, I think part of it is a big issue with dopamine.

Morning! Recently started following, so many of your videos resound. Moreover I love that you’re from NZ like me. I am 39 (since 6 days ago). I meet an unexpected cousin last year and his family (9yo girl with autism lvl 1, low needs) thought I should start to read about ASD in females And over several month I was like…. Errr…. 💡 and even my cousin was like are you sure you’re not autistic. So then I went on a further 6 month deep dive (purchased about 30 books on ASD & ASD in females - this is in a personal library of 424 books 😊). As well as watching RU-vid ASD creators… So many things just clicked into place including this recent vid on anger… Then I slowly started to slowly talk to people I trusted and their responses where “omg, I thought you knew, lived with it and didn’t talk about it”…. They talked about a variety of specific reasons from their observations… Anywho, hearing about your late diagnosis has really incited the idea and so I’m saving up for an official diagnosis. So mainly yes, thank you for coming forward as autistic kiwi female. It’s really encouraging, interesting and comforting.

Get accused of anger all the time... tell them I am not angry I am just frustrated.. get told that clearly I am actually angry and I need to calm down... tell them no I am frustrated its different... get told that if I don't calm my anger down there are going to be repercussions... Now... I am starting to feel extremely frustrated and starting to get angry that they are not listening to me and instead trying to suppress my autonomy

I learn a lot from your videos keep making them and your smile is great

i relate to not being able to control my anger i dont know how to get control or stop it

Everything makes sense, thank you.

One thing I find REDICUKOUSLY odd is having to mask or whatever you call it when I am WATCHING videos.....

Great video. Thx for sharing this.

Don't worry about feeling embarrassed by sharing it; it really helps us to get to know this world a lot better :) Want to know a secret? Being a neurotypical, I still feel like an outsider and a bit of embarrassment along with some imposter syndrome when I ask you questions here to learn more about this world. Guilt is also a healthy experience, but doesn't necessarily get us to make better choices. I should share that I went to the hospital once because I went to the other extreme and kept my rage bottled up inside. Trust me that there are worse outcomes other than smashing objects. Anger is something that needs a good strategy to be managed in a healthy way, and not hurting people when you release it is already a large part of that :) On the note of managing anger and meltdowns in a healthy way: What should we do to help someone who is having a meltdown? (especially someone who we care about?) Our first instinct is to give hugs when people are having a tough time, but of course that can make it worse for a ND person depending on the individual. Adding in more of other stimuli could make it worse as well. Are soothing words useful? Calming noises? Music?

I’m curious what anti-depressants they tried u on, (if ur comfortable) I’m weaning off of Effexor after 7 years. The anger really resonated, my therapist suspects I have ASD I’m 19 and I never would even considered, despite some of the traits I’ve shown and being around almost exclusively ND ppl. I’m trying to find community online and not feel like an imposter .

So there are fiesty autistics, i was wondering about that since i strongly suspect i may ne autistic myself but i have not and still never have known anxiety. I have never shied away from my temper, i harnessed it and wielded it as a tool. I made friends with my demons and we are allied. I actually enjoy my temper but i keep it in check do it does not go too far, love the power it brings forth but i realise it can twist things in a bad way.

Curious, what’s your take on borderline personality disorder and were you ever given this diagnosis? I’ve heard it’s a common misdiagnosis/comorbidity with autism.

what if i am an alien that .... i never really express my anger to people. but i think i should be angry, or rather, express it sometimes, as this society is so .... undeniably stupid and evil. i keep getting weird ocnception that lots of what jesus said is autism, or rather, the bible. like, at least here i thought about "be angry, but do not sin" and like real sin, you can still run around and flip everyone in town off lol......... ok maybe going to jail for being mad at the shady stuff other people did and how nobody anywhere listens to ANYTTHING

what rod?

Thanks.

Did you ever think you had BPD?

Did you ever think you had BPD?