The Bachelorette Speedrun 

Clare: I’m 39 Everyone else: yeah, 39 seconds from death

“Oldest bachelorette and only shoot for two weeks” At face value it sounds like she just died while shooting.

The jump cuts during Claire’s interviews may be because she forgot her lines due to being old and senile. Jarvis I am disappointed that you would mock the elderly like this, shame on you.

I would pay good money to see an actual 90 year old grandma as the bachelorette

Claire: I'm 39 years old The Bachelorette: Watch this 99 year old woman find love before she disintegrates from old age.

"I feel sorry for Taesha because she's inherited this pile of broken men and has to pick up the pieces" is a gem

Now THIS is a guy who loves to hate to secretly love this show.

“Normally in the show when they cut to someone we’re like who’s that?” Cuts to Danny Gonzales

She should really be quarantining, her old age puts her at really high risk.

the bachelorette is like that friend who is convinced they’re the main character but really the whole group doesn’t like them.

Claire's dramatic monologue has more cuts in it then a youtube apology god damn

My theory is Dale is so charismatic they had to edit the show to try and make him look bad because everyone from editors to cameramen to the host all fell deeply in love with him via his sheer charisma and they were actually trying to keep us all from falling for Dale and the entirety of western society collapsing over the inevitable Dale conflicts.

I just got tested for covid last week, and I can confirm: when they told me I was negative the birds started singing, the squirrels started dancing, everyone in the street high-fived me and 15 guys offered to date me all at once. That's just the standard procedure.

The person who choose Claire has dyslexia and told everybody the next bachelorette was 93 and when they found out she was only 39 they didn't have time to rewrite the promos so they just went with it

"Congratulations, you've just blown up 'The Bachelorette.'" Hard cut to the smoldering remains of the resort, Dale is dead, the Harvard guy is dead, half of Chris Harrison's robot face is melted off his robot head. Claire has blown up The Bachelorette.

"He went to Harvard, and that's really the only character trait he has" *Andy Bernard, Cornell Alum has entered the chat*

You’re so well rounded. Pokémon and bachelorette.

claire: is 39 years old show: watch this woman who we borrowed from a nursing home talk about Dale the whole time

Jarvis: Dale is always showing up in places where he shouldn't be Clare: He really showed up

I hope Claire's age isn't like- a touchy subject for her or anything lol, can you imagine if you were a 39 year old lady who didn't really like talking about her age, and then suddenly hundreds of people are like "WOAH THIS LADY IS STHE *OLDEST* BACHLORETTE!!!!! SHE'S PRACTICACLLY DEAD NOW!! THIS IS HER LAST CHANCE AT LOVE!"

Bro didn't want his kid to see him play dodgeball naked, even though he wasn't even there, but was okay with his kid watching him insult and belittle someone for something that didn't even affect him

The Bachelorette: We had to shut down production! This show could all be over! Jarvis: *Kim, there are people that are dying*

"You are 100% clear to go-" "Yes!" "-away from this show. You're 100% infected with COVID."

BEHOLD THE MAJESTIC CLARENDALE

the way everyone focused on her being "tHe OlDeSt BaChElOrEtTe" is a new kind of misogyny i wasn't expecting from a show misogynistic in its premise, but hey, it's fun to be surprised.

You know someone’s had a bad love life when there list of things their looking for in a person is: 1. Show up 2. Be on time 3.

"She's a rational person". The whole point of reality tv is that NO ONE is rational because that makes good tv.

"alright. where is dale?" "i’ll do you one better. who is dale?" "i’ll do you one better! why is dale?"

They always ask “who is dale”, but they never ask “how is dale”.

Dale deadass looks like the guy who says: “i aint never seen two pretty best friends”

The worst part about Jason attacking Claire so aggressively is that in her old age it was entirely possible she'd disintegrate.

Man how is that 39 Year old gonna find love? She's gonna fall victim to her toothpick bones and fall apart if she even tries to kiss a guy!

"theres a claire front runner and the other guys have to dale with it" -the actual bachelorette commercial

Claire's dating criteria is literally my life. "Just show up".

I didn't realize showing her by the sofa was supposed to show how hard quarantine is bc that room alone is at least twice the size of my apartment so yea

Claire: “All I care about is showing up. Someone who shows up for me. A man that will show up.” Dale: “Well, I’m here.” This guy understood the assignment 😂

Yosef was the one setting a horrible example for his daughter.

I really wish hot people would stop acting like COVID has affected them worse than anyone else

"Be that onion, I love it" --shrek- -Clare

My girlfriend and I feel so bad for dale. The “sit down” reveal after production episode showed dale muttering maybe 3 words, and Claire saying “show up” 30 times while painting this happily ever after fairytale she sees in dale. I give their relationship a year before they divorce. I’m sure Dale does like her, but he by no means loves her. You can tell by the way he looks at her, and speaks about her

“You are not fit to be the mother of my child” is my new favorite insult

And once again a woman makes history for being "old" and publicly existing in some manner. Oh how much progress have we made...

No ones gonna talk about how she said “be that onion” like it isn’t the most memeable thing I’ve ever heard

Clearly, if Clare's parents are Lily and James, she's the Girl who Loved

Claire is the boy who lived. She lived very long verrrrry long like unimaginably long she’s 39 YEARS OLD she’s practically dead

Imagine you're singing to the birds and twirling in the sunshine thinkin you're going to be playing live-action Snow White and then they tell you you're actually going to be *The Geriatric Bachelorette*

"You're not. FIT. to be. THE. MOTHER. of my. child." It sounds pieced together too LMAO

Bennet and John Paul jones would either be best friends, or the worst rivals. No I’m between

Great seeing Danny Gonzalez on the show. I thought he was married though.

This is not GOLD content Jarvis. This is just really good content.

22:45 Wasn't ready to see Drew Gooden, felt like someone licked my toes.

If my boyfriend doesn't propose by saying, "I'm hot. Will you marry me?" I will be very disappointed

Yosef: What would my daughter or my family think of me if they saw me do that? Yosef: *Shares a woman with 29 other men on national television and berates her for participating in it with him*

"Who is Dale" "Why is Dale" "What's Dale's deal" As someone named Dale i feel so attacked right now...

This season makes me feel like an absolute mummy (the dead, Egyptian kind, not a parent) because I'm 33 in and not married either. God forbid a woman want to get her shit straight before drawing in some poor innocent guy.

22:45 ma boy Danny Gonzalez! I didn't know he was on the show, damn, you really can cut to anyone and no one will notice that person was never even there...

I love how “editing Jarvis “ actually wears a totally different outfit like he’s from some lofi AU

God, I can’t even. The 7:30 sequence of the animals rejoicing is straight out of a Disney movie. It’s too perfect.

Jarvis is the only person who could make me care about this show

I want a lesbian version of the bachelorette, but those cowards won’t.

speedrun is one word, cmon jarvis youre doin us dirty

Why does editing Jarvis look cooler than recording Jarvis

I'm just now finding this guy's channel and he seems so nice. I love how he smiles while he speaks. Hello, Jarvis :)

“He’s just showing up in places where he’s not supposed to be” Well that’s what she asked for innit

'i expected more from the oldest bachelorette' how many red flags we up to now?

Jarvis: “Birds are chirping flowers are blooming” *Megalovania starts playing in the background*

I’m sorry but I did not come here for Bennett slander

Dale looks like he hasn't graduated 3rd grade but is still incredibly smart.

One of my favourite parts about your fanbase is that nobody makes fun of you for liking the bachelorette and we all mostly just watch your videos on it anyways

Bruh dale bouta walk into a high security military establishment bein like, i-i-i wrong door

I completely get why people really dislike Yosef, I mean so do I. However, he did make a really good point (before he got unnecessarily personal) about how humiliating it is for men to stip down to practically nothing on national television. When it was announced they would be stripping, some guys were visibly not comfortable with it, and there was even a contestant who said to Clare something like "I like you a lot, but not enough to strip that much." Imagine if this happened on the Bachelor and the lead asked all the women in the house to play strip dodgeball to thongs. Double standards like this can be hurtful to guys who may also only strip due to peer pressure and then compare their bodies to other guys in the house. Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Thank you for making this video so that I don’t have to actually watch the whole show myself 😅

You: *drops the H bomb* People: Oh, alright okay guy

To be clear, when they filmed this, COVID tests were extremely scarce and even some hospitals didn’t have enough. But at least Clare (and her animal friends) throughly enjoyed getting tested!

Why does Jarvis look like he's on a zoom call with his colleagues about his new business proposal?

The "doctor said you are 100% clear" is funnier when you think theyre talking about STDs

Jarvis laughing at his own jokes is high quality precious content

“Before Claire hits menopause, will she find love? Find out next time on The Bachelorette!”

I have a feeling that Dale and the “I ain’t ever seen two pretty best friends” guy are related

The thing about Yosef is that he’s not entirely wrong when he says that Clare overreacted during that group date-because she did, and honestly she just comes off as really emotionally immature-and he’s completely within in his rights to be uncomfortable about the strip dodgeball date. (Because I feel like most of us were.) If he doesn’t think that their values align, that’s fine, but the fact that he becomes aggressively upset that Clare doesn’t immediately apologize to him and say, “You’re so right” is the part that’s gross. I see where he’s coming from in both of these instances, but he’s also a complete asshole so he loses all credibility.

Update: Clare and dale have broken up lmao

Claire and Dale lasted almost as long as Claire's Bachelorette tenure

I hate Yosef too, but she made them play "strip" dodgeball. Men shouldn't be put in situations like that just as much as women wouldn't.

I can’t believe the new game show that Jarvis invented

16:06 "Wait... Didn't you *lose?* " That absolutely fucking killed me! 🤣😂🤣😂

Good to see the reprise of that Danny clip

Jarvis saying "My butt loves it" is all I need to buy a wallet.

Jarvis with a beanie on looks like the one black guy they hire in silicon valley

Clare absolutely owes them an apology. Her comments behind the scenes show how disrespectful she was to the show. They came on here thinking they all had a fair chance when in reality that wasn't the case due to her being able to stalk the guys on social media. If she respected the show and the guy's time she wouldn't have done so. In the end she was given the opportunity to stalk these guys before due to a lag in covid and nowhere saying that she couldn't, because why would they? They are already usually isolated before knowing who the cast is usually. She disrespected the process of the show and came in with preconceived notions about the guys.

i disagree with some sentiments. claire was not giving the guys a fair chance after night 1. it was obvious that she was only thinking about dale and didn't give a shit about the other guys. she said she was always in the conversation with them but you could tell she wasn't. she would say constantly that she was only thinking about dale even on other dates. meanwhile it's day 2 and she's already decided it's dale basically. she would praise him for things the other guys were doing as well (5 men went over to comfort her immediately after the yosef situation and as soon as dale came over like 10 minutes later she cried in his arms and kept saying that because he came to check on her it made her feel better). she would let that one dude break rules (dm'ing her even though it wasn't allowed, coming to talk to her when he lost the group date) with no consequences. the guys could see all this and felt disrespected and honestly it's understandable. and that dodgeball group date was messed up. it was strip dodgeball and she had them strip down to jockstraps and walk home like that all the while clearly ogling them. if you watched the episode you could see most of the dudes felt uncomfortable doing the challenge. it was dehumanizing. if they were all on board then i would have no problem but they clearly were not all that comfortable. yosef...... while he went about it completely the wrong way and was a huge asshole, i agreed with most of what he said (in the first part of his spiel). he lost himself in the last half though and was just being an ass to be an ass. anyway i'm glad she's off and tayshia's coming in because she's great and from what i've seen so far she's actually giving these guys a chance. love her already

the chess dude seemed sweet tho

I think Elder Bachelorette would be fantastic. A series of delightful dates from people with decades of stories to tell, meeting the kids and grandkids from earlier relationships, etc.

the bachelorette: the entitled man baby show??!! holy shit??? every single guy on this show from the video thinks they’re so entitled to her

I went to school ( middle - high) with Ivan . He is so charismatic, funny and sweet guy to see him only be set as " one tone" was sad.

“And then there’s Jason, who has bottled up his emotions and talks about his past like he killed someone.” That’s basically JD from Heathers. Edit: holy sh*t holy sh*t holy sh*t holy sh*t holy sh*t holy sh*t holy sh*t holy sh*t holy sh*t! I've found my people.

Jarvis looking like a dad going to his kids' parent teacher conference is giving me life

20:04 "he's just showing up in places he's not supposed to be" I guess he was showing up for her, no wonder she chose him lmao

Me: ”YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PARENT OF MY CHILD” My child: *[could not give less of a sh!t because he is a dog]*

I'm sorry but Bennett is the best part of this season. He is absolutely *iconic*

Before quarantine, my math teacher would take time at the beginning of class to give up the synopsis of the most recent episode of The Batchelor or Survivor