I'm in a similar position, I don't have kids and I'm glad I don't because I'm divorced and not still attached to a very toxic ex-wife. But when I watch my long time friend's children reach milestones like High School and college graduation, marriage, etc. Then I am left wondering what I missed out on. I'm still close with my best friend's children like an uncle, but I'm not "dad" to any of them. I'm in my fifties now and all the men on my father's side of the family don't make it past their mid sixties. Today, if I pass my best friend's daughter will get my home, my best friend's son will get his home paid off. My best friend will get enough from my estate to buy a home for themselves and end their life as a renter. But I don't have any children of my own to leave an estate to. I do wish on some level that I had a legacy to leave to them, but I do wish on some level that I did. Part of me also is glad I don't have children because of the state of the world today. Lots of governmental debt, high taxes, and a very depressing future. I'm sometimes glad I spared them from having to live that. Did our parents feel the same?
My sister said it the best when I asked if she wants to have kids. "I don't want to have kids because I dont want to". That's literally it. I had kids because I wanted to have kids. We dont need to justify or explain ourselves.
I know so many older adults who do not have kids because they didn’t want to and they are all still happy with that decision just as we can also be happy with the decision to have children. It’s great when everyone can just be happy for each other and the decisions we make for our own happiness.
I'm in my mid 50's and have two friends, same age, that chose never to have children. They've confided in me over the last several years that they regret not having children. I was sad for them because I knew they would never experience being a mother and grandmother.
I dont understand why do some people think not wanting children is selfish. Who are we owing these children to? There is nothing selfish about it, we as women are not just baby making machines, we are people and we have other purposes in life that we should be allowed to pursue aswell.
I’m 66 I’ve always known I didn’t want children. I never had that urge to procreate. Despite everyone telling me I’d change my mind. Never felt the ticking clock. Never regretted my choice. Just not for me. Good for you Eva. Follow your heart
Don’t have any stats on this but I know anecdotally a lot of women who didn’t want kids in their 20s and 30s. Some seem to be happy with that decision but I would say the majority either panicked and had one in their early 40s or regretted not doing so. Again I’m sure for some it is the right choice but it’s a very hard one to make.
This isn't true, or it is a half truth. Plenty of people have children on a whim. Many want sex but get children as a result. About half people born were not planned conception. Truth is, we are biologically hardwired to reproduce. So having children is much less of a choice and more of an impulse.
My dad told my mom “I don’t want children!” I heard him say it to her. My life has been hard partially because of the idiot she married. Women if a man says I don’t want kids believe him.
@@badgirlhollywood9741 it is common to regret becoming a parent. But we rarely hear about it because it is taboo to say so. Taboo for a few reasons. To avoid public ridicule and to avoid kids thinking they were not wanted. But often, parents regret the hardships of parenting and not the human life that already exists. There is a distinction. Parenting is extremely difficult for most people in modern age so I don't blame parents. Nobody really know how much and how deep amount of work and responsibility they are adding when they are creating kids. When you have kids, you no longer exist, your identity goes away and everything becomes about the kids. Many parents are in denial about this. Because it happens over time they don't notice. Having kids is more expensive than ever, one can buy a ferrari instead for the same money...Point being, most people don't buy new ferraris but they have kids they can't afford.
I'd argue that it is a compulsion. Like all species, we are programmed to breed and expand the species. The problem is that we have no natural enemies and we have consumed the planet like locusts.
At age 12, I announced to my family that I would never marry or have kids. They stopped laughing at my statement when (my unmarried) tubes were tied at 32. 58 now. I’ve done my part. No regrets.
Good! You had the courage of your own convictions. Why would anyone have the obligation to marry and have kids? Do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to.
You took every word out of my mouth and described the exact same reason why I chose not to have children. I am 47, happily married with 3 cats and not bringing kids into this world was the best decision of my life.
Just not wife or relationship material. Now, you are expecting the children of others to fund your retirement healthcare and pension. The childless should be taxed much more
Hi. I'm 67 years of age. I never felt the need to justify my decision not to have children, though I could cite many reasons including not having been financially set up in my younger days to do so. But if I had put aside all of those reasons and decided to have children so that they would hopefully be around to support me in my older years, THAT would have been selfish. Nonetheless, I've had numerous animals that I have cared for, most of whom have passed on, which I loved immensely. Most were strays and had no homes to live in. Most recently, a stray cat found his way to me and adopted ME out here in the woods. His name is now Dusty. I will not discount the effort that it takes to provide for his safety and well-being. I believe that I have put in at times a greater effort in raising my animals then some moms or dads did for their children. The responsibilities can be just as profound. Best
I birthed a bakery, and an art career. I traveled around the world in 1990 for 2 years when all of my friends were having babies. They said I was lucky! I chose to not have the large house or the kids. It was not luck. I worked hard all along the way. I do think sometimes of what it would be like to have a child in the world today. I don't know. Having children gives you no guarantee that they will be there for you. As I have seen in many of my friends and my husband's kid. If you want a mothers day card once a year that is selfish. So many ways to live a life. Just go for it cause it passes fast. Eva you are doing wonderful things that enrich your life. All is good! Thank you
@@_dz sorry but you are not that special… you are the result of millions of years of evolution and although you have the ability to reason and make choices as an individual, you are part of a developed species with a specific set pf evolutionary abilities , one of which is having a brain that will make up whatever reality and temporary truth it needs to survive and be happy even if your life is miserable af. So sorry.. you are great, you are a unique soul but you are not that special.. at all.
@@gabriel06123 Hmmm...Unfortunately you confusing biological (body) evolution with intellectual or social evolution. Following your argument, you probably believe that because female humans evolved as mammals they should still only live they lives as a womb with legs in 2023, right?
Hi Eva, I am a mother, and becoming a mother has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Once my first child was born, I realized that it is a choice each woman should make, a choice that should be respected and honored. Great video! Thanks for sharing.
Women also should not chastise other people about their decisions to have children, nor should they promote antinatalism -- especially if they will be depending on the future labor of those children, having chosen to end the vast chain of being with themselves and not pay forward the gift of life and preserve the incredible species and culture to which they belong.
@@mojakaunt6637 You're absolutely right -- my mistake for thinking the universe become aware of itself through sapience is any more significant that the simplest sentience of a paramecium. How shallow of me.
All the things I love best about life are not child-friendly. This one sentence is usually enough to get people to leave me alone about it. Nice to hear someone discuss it the way you do, with logic and empathy. Do what you do best, it doesn’t have to be motherhood. Love from Canada. 💕
Thank you for having the courage to state this. As a female who never felt the need or maternal drive to have kids, it seems we are looked down upon in society.
Luckily I never even felt looked down upon for never ever wanting kids. Maybe it's just that I truly don't care what others think about me in this matter. I felt the same indifference to those who told me that I don't want kids now because I haven't found "the father" or that I would regret it later in life. Lol. I just really don't care about their opinions in this very matter even though I'm generally very sensitive and emotional about how others think about me
I have the impression that women often feel cornered, annoyed, or feel the need to defend themselves when asked the "And when..." question, while most of the time this is just a smalltalk topic like the weather. I got asked this question countless times, simply answered "I don't want/like kids" like I would answer "Yeah, it's awful outside today". If it continues with "But why, they are adorable, best thing in life, blabla" I answer "To me they are loud, smelly, boring and expensive, simply not into it", and that's usually enough.
I’m 55, never wanted kids and do not regret it one bit. My husband and I agreed on that point before we ever got married. People didn’t stop asking “when are you having kids” until I got older and it was obvious.
Thanks for talking about this, I'm a man and I've never had the urge to have kids. I want to live and experience life to the fullest and I feel that a child would just chain me down. Its hard to meet others that feel the same way.
Great vid Eva, as usual. I'm 72, single (was married), and no kids. I'm an only child. Mom and dad were married for 64 years! Dad passed at 95, mom at 94. I helped care for them the last 20 yrs of their lives. Something I willingly did because I loved them. I was blessed with great parents. They were in an assisted living facility the last 15 years. One of the reasons I hear given for having children is to have someone to take care of them when they get old. That is an assumption! An observation I noticed (and heard residents talk about) when visiting mom and dad was how they missed their children! They felt forgotten, not visited nearly enough! A sad sight to see. Just because you have children does't mean they will take care of you in your golden years. Even if your a good parent, a child can bring tremendous stress into your life. Drug addiction, unwanted pregnancy, jail time, and even suicide! I've seen it all. I'm now retired and enjoying my bucket list.
Oh yeah. My husband has four daughters. The oldest two are chronic fuckups. Drugs, etc., rampant narcissism. The oldest actually went homeless after her husband/caretaker passed unexpectedly because she simply could not take care of herself. We tried to take her in for a while, and it was utterly exhausting how self-absorbed and lazy she was--a woman in her 40s, ffs, not a teenager but she acted like one. Her own mother gave up on her and she is DEVOTED to her kids. My husband and his ex are truly nice people. They don't know what happened, they really don't. They weren't abusive, neglectful or cruel. Then he had two more daughters with his second wife. They are successful, functional, great mothers and hardworking. But they do not care about their father at all, really. Well, they sort of care; but everything else is pretty much more important to them. They've known for years that his health was failing but did they visit? No. Did they call? No. Did they help me care for him at all--and he has dementia, so it has become an exhausting consuming job in the last several years, pushing me nearly to the point of a nervous breakdown. NO they did not. Not one bit. It took an old friend of ours caring enough to decide to move in and help, to shame my husband's daughters into showing more of an interest in their father's welfare. Ultimately, I guess they took their mother's side in the divorce--even though she promptly drank herself to death after she dumped my husband and ran off with another man. So caring, such a devoted parent--she even drank when she was pregnant with them, despite my husband's best efforts to stop her, causing both daughters lifelong health issues. Yet she is their angel and they have neglected their father--who really loved them so much, bought them everything they ever wanted, worked so hard for them, and always placed their welfare first. But he, you see, didn't manipulate his kids. He didn't play that game. His ex-wife did, and very successfully, so that she is still the favored parent even today. You really cannot count on your kids to care for you when you are old. Certainly not all of them. Often there will be one who stands out above the others, genuinely cares, and shoulders more of the burdens when their parents grow old and need help--but sometimes, there's not even that.
There isn't a day goes by without my giving thanks for not having children. It wasn't for me. Good luck to those who find a sense of fulfillment and purpose from having them though.
THIS!! I am also told, that one day I will regret, because I will be alone with nobody to take care of me... But my thought is exactly this - you cannot guarantee your kids will want or be able to take care of you! People call us child-free by choice women selfish, while their reason to have kids is to have someone to take care of them when old. How is THAT not selfish??
Thank you for sharing. As a mom, I always since a child I wanted to be a mom, also travel and know the world, I did that on my 20s. I feel that woman who don’t want to be moms are fine, moms who want to be a mom, are fine too. Everyone should do their decision and nobody should judge for it.
You would have to think all the time about another person. You are never free again once you bring a child into the world. They are wonderful but lots of worry.
Dear Eva, I´m 60 years old and have never wanted children. I like children a lot, I´m a mathteacher, but have my owns - no. Why? The "wanting" never appeard , my husband agreed with me and the last is the scare of not being a good parent. We have heard SO many times: "o, you are egocentric", "you are going to be lonely when get really old" and so on. Well maybe I´m egocentric, maybe i´m going to be alone....BUT...putting a child to this world today, no I don´t regret not having children. Sometimes I think that some people get a little jealous because we TOOK the decision to not have children..... Go with your heart and brain, Eva. Never let anyone talk less of you! Take care...and wew love to follow you! 🧡
To be honest, having children is no guarantee that you won’t grow old alone. I had 2 and I will probably be alone growing old and dying. As much as I sacrificed and loved them, they don’t really care about me. They have their lives and I respect that. But having children because you don’t want to grow old and die alone, well there is no guarantee of that. If I had to do it all again, I’d do my life much differently.
There’s nothing wrong on not wanting to procreate. It’s actually great that you recognize that fact. Some people are clueless and keep getting birth to children, yet are lousy or lacking skills on how to raise these little humans, then these tiny humans grows up as a$$holes and lousy people.
It's good that most people are not as you describe. And they have not been that way through millennia. I mean as a whole, humankind has done pretty well.
@josephine Very true and i've seen enough of this while living in UK... While i'm aware UK isn't the only place in the world with this issue... but as i was there... i can vouch for your comment.
@@jaym8257to my mind the human gene pool is totally screwed, and because there are so many of us now most days leave me feeling like I'm part of some sad amateur lab experiment
@@jaym8257where have you been…under a rock?! People are so selfish in todays world. They do not help their fellow man out. Social media has desensitized people. They would rather film someone than help them. We have done well because we are the top predator but we still act like animals and let rulers commit genocide. Civilizations rise and fall from this, so no we are not compassionate and empathetic enough. This comes from someone with kids. Look at the mental health crisis on our hands…no one has it together not even you if you dig deep enough, none of us are normal and that’s fine but don’t expect to have every one be on the same playing field as you.
Thank you, Eva! I’m your age and 90% sure I don’t want kids. My real reason is that I don’t trust any man to take on the endeavour with me. And I don’t want to do it alone (single mothers are at great risk for poverty and mental health problems). Just based on my life experience so far, I’ve become very scared of being trapped. And few things seem more claustrophobic than motherhood. That’s not noble, it’s probably not even healthy. But it’s real.
As a man I'd like to say that it saddens me to hear that you feel this way. I think this is one of the reasons I consider myself a feminist. I hear people talk about a return to more "traditional family values" as a solution to divorce and single parenthood, but I worry that it reinforces an isolating role of motherhood (which might be at the core of divorce and single parenthood). Personally, I would like us to reframe masculinity and fatherhood as a role of an empowering supporter. I hope that you're able to find a trusted partner (if you want). Not so that you will have kids, but will have an equal partner to hold you up in all things.
If that is your only reason, then you made a good decision to not have children, bc as long as you have that fear- then you will attract the same partner & situation that you fear. One has to trust life & trust that life will be exactly the way they envision it, not on blind faith, but a knowing that you are the Grand Architect of your life. No ifs,ands,buts,looking at others’ experiences, looking at your past experiences, looking at statistics, listening to media, etc. If you want a baby with a fantastic partner: envision, believe, trust in yourself that you will choose the right person to procreate with, and expect that you will receive just that and more 😊 This applies to anything in life really
I really appreciate this video. I’m 24 and I’ve met a lot of angry conversations about how “I don’t know that I want kids yet. Wait till your older”and it’s really frustrating because it shouldn’t be that you are treat with naivety. I’m very happy with my life. I’ve never asked someone why they had children but I can be asked why I haven’t. This norm needs to change.
Well, the reason they had children was because they WANTED to have children or they were wrecklessly irresponsible and got themselves or someone else pregnant. It's as simple as that.
men are just upset that good looking woman going to be "wasted " overheard this comment once... but pls know yourself and do what you want dont ever let someone to tell you how you should live.
Most human beings have an instinctual drive to have children. It's one of the basic features of all life on Earth. So that's why people ask you that. 🙂
I just turned 50 this year. All your reasons are things that i've thought of or dealt with before. There are not many of us out there who choose not to have children, but we do exist :)
I was born to selfish parents who when they divorced neither really wanted to be bothered with me. Thank God my grandparents took me in and raised me as their own. I always knew I wanted to be a father and after several miscarriages my wife and I were blessed with a wonderful daughter. Now she's moved out and off to college and I feel blessed to have been allowed to be a father to her. It has been an invaluable experience and there's nothing in my life that compares. All that written, to each his or her own. Life's full of choices and being a parent is not one to be taken lightly.
I knew since I was a child myself that I didn't want to have children. I saw the sacrifice that my mom has made throughout her life for her children, and I felt I didn't have it in me to give so much. I like being child-free. I do love kids as long as I'm not their mom. This choice did result in my getting divorced in my late 30s. However, I have no regrets. I'm 58 now and I'm happier for it. I believe in living your life as you see fit. It is our individual right to do so. Thank you for sharing your true reason. Take care.
As a 22yr old I also feel the way you feel. I am scared that in future when I will marry will my partner support this decision or not😢. I just pray I get a partner who wants to stay childfree. And I believe in today's time it's better to ask such questions upfront from our partner. And sometimes mindset of people regarding having child or not change after marriage so it's scary.
@@ridinwithjake Well, it's not guaranteed that your children will take of you when you are old. Secondly, it's actually a selfish reason to have children so that they can take care of you when you are old.
@@Dragumix I guess its cultural. In Middle Eastern households, it makes perfect sense to help your folks out as you age. The modern era has challenged that in terms of leaving home and pursuing your passions far away. That said, I feel that it's not practical for people to be so selfless as to not expect support in old age from kids they supported their whole life.
@@Tripps2564 I don't consider it to be a support to bring children into this world in the first place. Children will face suffering (like dying etc.) in this world and some children will experience extreme suffering (by means of chronic illnesses etc.) here. You as a potential parent don't know beforehand if your potential child will have a relatively good life or a bad life. Therefore I regard it as totally wrong to bring children into this world.
I don't understand why people feel you should conform to their standard. It saddens me that they continue to the point where you feel you must defend yourself. Just be Eva, that's why we like you.😉
I heard someone say that all the good people aren’t having kids, and all the horrible people are having kids left and right. So im going to have kids. Im a good person and the world needs more good people.
I am turning 50 and I have never had that need or calling to bring children into this world. My life was never conducive to taking on this responsibility and I am at peace with this decision. Also, I've allowed myself the space that if I changed my mind as I grow in wisdom, I can always open my heart and home to a child in need (either foster or adoption).
I'm 51, no kids, and I have two reasons for not wanting children -- 1. I don't like kids; 2. I never met a partner I wanted to marry, and I didn't want to be a single parent (cheers to all you single parents....that's A LOT of work).
Someone once asked me, "Do you have children?" and I immediately gasped and said, "Gosh. No. Thank goodness! I dodged that bullet." 😂 Safe to say, she never spoke to me about children ever again. I am like you in the last reason you gave. I have never wanted to invest my time in having children, because I realized it would take away from the things I wanted to do in my life. Yes, I have admitted to people that my reasons for not wanting children are selfish, and I am okay with that. The other reason, which I am coming to realize as I get older, is that this world was never good enough for any child of mine. The world is a horrible place for many, and I have been truly blessed to have been given the best opportunities in life, wonderful parents (may they rest in peace), a wonderful family, and a loving husband...My life is perfect. But I know how bad life can be, especially for children. So I try to help make a difference in my community, in the hopes that somewhere, a child's life improved because the community improved. Anyway, I truly enjoyed your video. Thank you for sharing this perspective. PS: I noticed, your video had 45.8K views and only 74 likes. Clearly a a hot-button topic.
I completely agree with you. I work in science and from most of the future projections that we can make with scientific data the future isn't looking very promising for us as a species. We might see a population crash within the coming decades...even if it doesnt mean extinction (a population crash is a common phenomenon in ecology after a population boom like the one we as humans had over the past hundreds of years. You also see it in history, e.g. the Romans and Mayans). It may sound overly dramatic, and that's why it isn't spoken about so much. But for myself, just knowing the critical times and uncertainty that my child would grow up in, and how different it was to how I grew up, is enough to seriously hesitate to have kids. It's not the main reason I dont want kids (similar to Eva I dont think the mother role is for me), but it's a big reason.
Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a Mom. I had a miscarriage at 19, and then life happened. Got married, got divorced, developed a rare autoimmune disease found the one and he suddenly, u expectedly passed away, lost my house and everything I owned due to medical bills and high Rx Costs and got even sicker. I’m now 45 and that season has passed for me and I’m okay with it. Looking at the world today, I have less rights as a woman than I was born with, you can’t afford to feed or put a roof over your head unless you’re working 2-3 jobs, school and mass shootings are happening with more frequency, college tuition costs are escalating. In some ways now I’m grateful that I didn’t bring a child into this world. As much as I always wanted to be a mother, the world the way it is going isn’t what I would want my child to grow up in. I worry for my nephew who’s 7, and friends kids and can see how difficult it’s going to be for them. And with my sickness and having lost my own mother before I was 15, I wouldn’t want to put my child thru that.
There's no better reason to not have children than not wanting to. Nobody should be pressured into parenting if they don't want to and certainly nobody should be brought into the world by people who don't want to have them. It would be utterly tragic for everyone. Also, I don't think we have to "make up for not having kids" by doing something extraordinary with our lives instead. I just want to live my life and enjoy as many moments as I can with the people I love and also the moments with myself. I enjoy my own company. Me and my partner make each other laugh and support each other. We don't want anyone else in our family. As for "never knowing true love/happiness until you have a child", allow me to doubt that very much. I know a LOT of people who have become parents and "happiness" or "bliss" is not exactly what comes to mind when I see them. But maybe they do feel that way, in which case, more power to them, but keep in mind that what makes you happy won't necessarily make me happy. We're different people. And lastly, my choice not to reproduce does not affect anyone in any way at all.
It's so wonderful to finally see women openly opting out of having kids. That's real freedom, I'm a mother but would never want women to be forced by society into taking that role.
Thank you!! I am 40 and I always felt like a weirdo when I was not as enthusiastic about babies and little children than everybody else. I simply never felt like being a mother and it‘s so encouraging to hear that! ❤
I'm your age and have always felt exactly like this! Whether someone wants children or not, I think it's beautiful and important to follow your own idea of happiness and live the life YOU want ❤️ Also, people need to stop pressuring especially young women with this topic.
Motherhood is every woman's personal choice, not an obligation, no matter what. Women don't owe this world or anyone any kid/kids. You don't even have to give any reasons for your choice, or be apologetic about it. Its totally ok to be childfree by choice. Your life, your body, your choice, no one else's business. Stay strong ! And thanks a lot for this video.
I grew up in a tense, unhappy household. I think my late sister and I felt we were to blame. I also babysat in my teens for a household that was struggling, went through divorce, etc. Those experiences really shaped our thinking that we would be terrible mothers and pretty much killed any intense desire to have children. In my 20's I was in a bad relationship with someone who claimed he wanted to have kids. I got out of the relationship not because he wanted kids but because I thought he would be a terrible father. If you have no immediate family it is important as you get older to do "end of life" planning because you won't have inheritors.
I’m much like you, Eva! Adding to the list- I haven’t found a partner yet (and I’ve had a few long term relationships) that I felt would step up to the plate in terms of equal parenting. I see many females at least in American society that end up absorbing 90% of the household managing and child rearing. In my last relationship, I took on all of the household management while we both worked full time. NO THANKS! I work in pediatrics and see ALL kinds of parents. The funny part is people like you and I, who REALLY put the thought in about parenting would end up probably making the most loving, responsible and respectful parents. I’ve seen my fair share of parents who obviously did not put in the thought and certainly did not do the research and let’s just say….. yeah. 🙄
I never wanted to have children as far back as my teens, but I also understand not having found a partner that will be an equal responsible parent is a very valid reason. I don't know why people try to use this reason to belittle others
Know thyself… A dear late friend of mine told me back when we were both in our 20’s that she didn’t want children. I was sceptical at the time (or simply immature in my outlook). But she passed away decades later never having changed her position. Over those years my outlook changed from scepticism to admiration. My friend had clearly known herself and knew what she wanted in life. A child simply wasn’t going to fit - no more explanation required. During those intervening years I spent +20 years as a foster parent, caring for somewhere between 40-50 kids. I saw first hand the outcome of people having kids that should never have had them. My friend made for a much better role model. Eva, you clearly know yourself. You do you.
After becoming a single mother, 10 years ago, when my kids were 1 and 2 1/2, I respect people's decision to NOT have children even more. It is hard, thankless and exhausting. That said, I wouldn't change a thing as I always had the desire to be a mother and didn’t get pregnant until after setting myself up to be able to independently support myself.
I totally agree with you. I don't want to have a child because I adore my life, and there's no room for a baby. I'm selfish, but I don't think it is something bad. Being selfish means taking care of yourself first. It does not mean not taking care of others.
As a young man who never wanted to have kids I feel finding love is going to be so hard I never caught myself thinking "yeah I want to have kids with this woman" even when I was in love. I never dreamed about that, being a dad and doing [insert any thing dads do?? Idk] But I feel like a lot of women will judge me or think less of me, or downright lose interest as soon as they know how I stand on this. Recently I've been visiting my friend and she asked if I wanted to have children after I commented about the annoying sounds that the child was making in our proximity. This question caught me off guard and for some reason it immeduately made me upset. I really hesitated to answer and I couldn't even bring myself to say "No" even though I completely trust that person. It feels like everybody is expecting you to have children, as a "universally normal" thing to do, and unless you want that, something must be really wrong with you I don't care if it's considered right or wrong, I just want to be in love with someone who can give me as much love in return, THATS IT that's a perfect relationship to last a lifetime. I'd love nothing more than to live my whole life with a woman who feels exactly the same about this, and maybe even comfort each other and dispel all the bullshit expectations as we live together, just the two of us, in the bubble of intimacy and pure love, because we wouldn't need anything else to make us happy
Just because you are in love with a woman does not mean you will want to have kids with her. In fact most children born in the world are not born out of love, but rather out of religious, familial and cultural obligation. Most marriages are arranged. It has been this way since Antiquity.
I had 3 miscarriages and wasn't able to have a child. So we adopted our daughter. So if you don't want to bring another one into the world adopt one that's already here. Foster a child. Find a mentoring program. Lots of other options. Whatever works for you. It's your choice.❤❤❤
I think she explained that she just doesn't want children. Whether birthed or otherwise...she doesn't want children. So of course she'd never adopt a child because she doesn't want children.
Time is limited and I don’t wanna spend it to raise someone else’s genes. I’d rather have a dog. I just really don’t get it. It would be like a stranger sleeping in my house and I wouldn’t feel safe. What you don’t understand that everyone is different and you shouldn’t advise such a thing to a childfree.
I got sooo tired of people voicing 'oh you will regret it' ! regret could fall both ways regret having them is also what could have happened. If i did live to regret not having any then that is just a chapter in my life i have to live with. I never felt any maternal instincts whatsoever, and could never find where a child could fit into my life, and having reached the young age of 60 still living a very active life I'm still sooo regret less 😊👍
OMG, Ewa, YES! Exactly! It's not about not wanting children but not wanting to be a mother. And people might think it's selfish, as you say. I think wanting children is 1000% selfish. Also, among many of my friends with children (and I am 40, so EVERYONE has at least 1) I see little joy and happiness. I rather see people being tired, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated. Mainly, because they don't have "the village". And this is another HUGE change that happened in recent years that we don't acknowledge - parents are mainly on their own with their children now. And that's not working.
Father at 32. You're right. There is no village. We live in nuclear families in which it's unfairly hard to raise a child. Speaking of one. I can't imagine having even more..
Why would you expect everyone else to raise your child? And how has that worked out for the kids who have been raised (and possibly abused) in childcare or even in public schools? Bottom line is that global governments long ago began an anti-family and now anti-human campaign that began with destroying the nuclear family, forcing both parents into full-time work outside of the home just to survive, and is now implementing ways to off the rest of us through “free healthcare.”
whoa, call urself selfish! i have kids and i will NOT claim that. what a rude thing to say about my kids. im very glad to have given them life, and im certain theyre glad i did too. we dont have much, but thats about to change, and it is NOT my kids that exhaust and frustrate me. the rest of the people i have to deal with all day do. biden does. people that vote for biden that surround me are making my life impossible via their sorely uninformed voting opinions. bidinflation is driving up my bills, my children dont print off money and ship it off to foreign a holes while i struggle to pay bills. and thats my bills. kids are not that expensive while theyre young unless u go crazy. but i will do whatever i have to for my kids, and theyre so worth it. its 1000% UNselfish to have a family unless ure doing it for wrong reasons, thats such a crazy thing to say, given the sacrifice required
This topic brings me so much anxiety. I have always had this feeling inside that I will never ever want to have children but I have rarely said it out loud when I was younger out of fear for being judged. The older I have become I am finding myself being forced to say it out loud because most people around me keep asking me why I have no children or when am I planning to start having children. It’s honestly the most uncomfortable conversations I have. I wish people wouldn’t be so blatant about wanting to know why such a personal decision needs to be openly discussed because in their minds that’s the normal and right thing to do. I just do not want to have to explain myself to anyone. No one will truly understand why no matter how much you try to explain. Let’s just respect one another’s choices and not judge so quickly when we do not understand or relate to their perspective of life.
Oh Eva, thank YOU. This resonates so so much with what I’m feeling. I’m 36, childfree and I still struggle to explain why. I feel that people expect us to have a « concrete » reason for choosing not to have children. But sometimes it’s just that « we don’t want to! ». I often hide behind the environmental reason, that is probably the one I relate to the most… but if I’m being honest, that’s not why. I just don’t want to take on this role. That’s all! Thanks for your content, I love it, you inspire me a lot. Hope to see you in France one day! 🇫🇷
I appreciate the honesty of that answer. I know being a Dad will require a lot of me... but I feel a calling for it (kind of like your answer, but in reverse). I guess the thought could go both ways. I argue "oh you'll be bored" or "no one will be there for you" but plenty of childless people have interesting lives and have people. I guess I just love the time with my big family and want that "village" to continue. It seems to me that a lot of folks just don't have the strong families others were raised with. But then again, I do worry about the future for the elderly... without enough kids, who will take care of them? Immigration isn't likely to be enough. I mean that care in both at-home care, but also in the service industry and in medicine where I work. The demand keeps climbing, but the young people are increasingly not there to take the reins. I'm just not sure what the solution is. To each their own
Before I had my son I was just like you. Thinking the same thoughts and having the same feelings. Kids were not for me. Now, I still have the same worries and some days are really tough, but I feel like a new world has just opened up with new feelings and a new opportunities to grow and heal. I am not trying to convince anyone, I am just sharing my story.
@@luxraider5384say that to all the people in countries that are having civil wars and conflicts atm. Your head is in the sand. Humans will always be at war with each other. It may be quiet in your country but it will only be quiet for so long before unrest breaks out. Maybe if we come to some enlightenment where empathy reins then maybe we can be peaceful.
I recently realised I don't have a child wish. I have a wish to be part of a community, a real community, that works together as a family. That is not something I often see in this world where independent living is the norm.
The way I see it, you already have a child. A child that doesn’t grow up for the next 10-15 years. A child that you’re responsible for and look after 24/7
I would say all of the above. 33 here, people told me all my life that I would change my mind and everyday as the world gets worse it just strengthens my decision.
I have to agree with your main reason. I feel the same way. I've traveled since I was 19 and always assumed I would meet someone and settle down with kids, a house etc. But after meeting my boyfriend who also travels in a van and has a nomadic lifestyle like me, it made me evaluate everything. And now we have decided we don't want kids, it doesn't work with our lifestyle and personally I would probably 'resent' the child if I had to give it up - which is awful I know. I have a 4yr old black lab who travels everywhere with us and we will be driving the Pan Am with him - this is much more our style than a traditional family vacation 🤷
I am a mother of two boys and I completely agree with you that a woman can lose her sense of self at least during the first years of motherhood. I've always had a mathernal instinct, but it was so hard that I really started thinking " did I really signed up for this?" It takes a lot of internal work to find what you really want and need in your life. I love my kids and luckily with the support of my partner and family I came through my doubts , but your discussion is really important , because there are people who realize that they do not want to be parents AFTER they have kids. Being true to yourself is the best you can do in this world! Admirations for your honesty and bravery! ❤
I had 4 daughters and my youngest one will be 18 this coming February. I am a single dad and I have custody of my daughters. All I can remember is that it was so difficult raising my girls'. All I can say is I don't want to ever make anymore children again. I learned my lesson the hard way.
Hi Eva I am 38 this year. I never wanted kids but hoped I would change my mind as I got older and did more stuff with my life. However, the more I did the more I wanted to do. I kept putting off the idea of having children, even when at 30 I found a partner that would have allowed it to happen (up until then I had never been in a long term relationship). But nothing changed, in fact each experience I had I would say I’m just going to travel to India and then I’m ready to settle down and have children. But I was never ready. The years passed and last year my brother had a child and I decided that if I wanted a child it needed to be now while I had support of other new mothers. It was scary, I felt like I was going to the gallows. But I didn’t get pregnant. I felt relieved. Maybe I really don’t want children and never did, for all the reasons you described. But I felt like I was letting everyone down. My mother kept telling me I was unfulfilled. My partner is not contributing in any way it’s all on me and I’m taking care of sick parents and a yard and lots of animals who depend on me for everything. My freedom to travel is hard earned, I understand responsibility and commitment and I long for freedom but also I can’t leave the things I love. I knew having a child would be the same. But then I watched your video and on the same day I found out I was pregnant. I can’t tell you the anxiety I felt I had a complete mental breakdown because I suddenly realised the freedom I had been craving had been taken away again and on top of that I had no idea how I was going to take care of my parents, the family home, my partner who was living in my home with my parents, my horses and animals and being self employed I would have to stop working who would take care of it all? It all became very real. Then I had a miscarriage. No woman should have to experience such a traumatic event. Since then my outlook on life which has gone from adventure and beauty and freedom has turned into a nightmare. I’m really struggling with my mental health. I know deep down I don’t want children because I am not in a safe place. But I always imagined I’d have a daughter and call her Eva after my grandmother, so it feels like I’ve had to say goodbye to her. Watching my sister in law with her baby makes me feel so trapped. People like you who are strong in their convictions help me to feel better about my decisions when every one around me sees me as a failure, including my parents who want a d grandchild.
I'm 50 and have not wanted children since I stayed with a family when I was 16 and saw what the mother went through. The dad just went to work every morning and the mother who was studying to be a psychologist had to tend to the 4 kids under 10. Driving to violin lessons, softball practice, soccer practice, boy scouts, girl scouts, tai kwondo, recitals, jungle gym, play dates, birthday parties, summer school, science camp, church camp, it was never ending. Constant snack providing, fighting in the car you'd have to screech to a halt and tell them off. They were lovely kids, but boy it was endless and I decided there and then that it wasn't for me. It's not for everyone and the mother relished her role in their lives and did end up qualifying and starting work.
You don’t want children because you don’t want to… end of! We need to respect women decisions… because anyways, when the “fathers” leave and do it part time, no one complains!! Good on you lady!!!
I'm in my 30s now and have never wanted kids. I've considered adopting at an older age, but I currently do not have the desire either to be a mom. I love kids (have worked as a camp counselor, substitute teacher, etc.) but just do not want any of my own. Being a Christian / in the church, my decision has led to lots of questions and comments from people. I appreciate people like you speaking out!
I chose not to have children when I was in my early 20's. I got a vacetomy when I was 25. My wife supported it as well, for number of reasons. She did not have to take birth control no more, for it was driving her insane and unhealthy. So as a couple we had our reasons. The world has plenty of people, we could adopt if we wanted children. Finanicial reasons too, as an artist, money earning has been very difficult all my life, now at age 58, that has held true. I've always stressed about money and children cost a lot of money. Another reason I didn't want children is that I have a hard time with children, they trigger me. Now as a single man living in the woods alone, I don't doubt my/ our decision, like I said if I wanted young ones around i could get involved with foster care or something. No big deal.
Thank you for making this video! As a mother to 4 children, I appreciate the acknowledgment and I also admire your clarity! I’m hoping that society is starting to change where being child-free is as accepted as having children!
You are a great inspiration to me. I often mention you to my friends as a very positive icon for women. You helped me accept my grey hair. I love that you don't shave, you eat great food, you love adventure, you have a strong will, you are transparent. I share the same views about children. Please continue to empower women and please continue to live your best life and share it with us.
Your message is super important for many young woman out there to hear. My daughter has voiced your same message and she gets mixed responses. Thank you for everything you do, it's a great community that you are building. Long time fan - Jeff
I’m 41, was sterilized in my 30’s and I’ve known since I was 6yrs old that I never wanted kids. I’ve heard the “when you meet the right man, you’ll change your mind, it’s different when they’re yours” from people my whole life. I don’t know why people question people who don’t want kids more than those who do (surely potential parents are taking on a bigger responsibility by choosing to). I also think we need to stop attaching the word “selfish” to childfree people. Parenthood is a choice. Therefore you can choose to or choose not to. It’s not a default. So choosing not to isn’t selfish. It’s just your preference. And people need to get over that.
I’m also 32 and I’m partly like you, I never felt the urge to be a mom I’ve always known the commitment that is and while it’s a beautiful thing when done right, but I’ve never changed my mind thus far. I also have always thought if I ever felt the urge I would prefer to adopt in that case and help a child that already exists in the world.
Only in first world nations will people ever complain about the “inconveniences” of having children. It’s so depressing to see so many self centered and hedonistic young people making excuses to not have children. When societies don’t have children that’s extremely bad for future generations because the financial strain it puts on them to support an aging population. Japan is realizing that now.
I think the paternal/maternal instinct definitely exist. I felt it - once. So I locked myself indoors for 3 days, binged some series and it went away 😂 And about your main reason being selfish, I feel exactly the opposite about it... in my view it is imensely more selfish to have a child just to please a personal desire.
@@findthekindness well I didn't say that having a child is selfish in itself. What I meant is that having a child, solely to please one's desire to have children (and not take into consideration other aspects), is selfish.
Its comforting to hear someone in my age range say such a thing because I am constantly inundated with questions about whether I regret not having kids. I bear the same sentiment you do but am often regarded negatively about my choice. Even male and female friends my age, in our late 40's who havent had kids yet are all lamenting the fact. For me though, after practically raising three brothers, caring for two terminally ill people for over a decade, putting a lot of my dreams to travel extensively and live a certain lifestyle aside out of necessity, and for so many other environmental and sociological reasons, I couldnt imagine having kids. I think people without kids can have a much greater impact on the larger picture of the world today with the work and life we are able to focus on. But I need to hear that others feel the same way some days - as I head out to a baby shower with armour on.
Yes, being a mother is a huge job that I did not want to do alone. I ended up being a stepmom, daycare provider, favorite aunt, sunday school teacher and enjoying time with my friends with young children.
Childfree women who enjoy the company of children can play an invaluable role as valuable aunty to siblings and friends children etc.. bringing a different energy to kids and giving a valuable break or help to parents of kids..
Thank you so much for this! I’m 44. I bade never wanted children. I gone through every reason you have your vlog. As always you explained it so much more eloquently than some have. I simply cannot imagine losing myself to the degree one should with a child. I have always wanted different things. Just thank you again for this. I will share this so many times
My wife died very suddenly a month ago after 51 years married and I am BLOODY glad we had two boys. They have been there for me 200% since and my grandkids have forced me to smile in spite of myself. It’s YOUR choice and I am glad we made our choices the way we did. My two went through private schools here in the UK and the expense was horrendous - on the plus side they both have great jobs and homes with stable loving families.
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I know myself, I would lose myself in the role. I'd fall in love with a child and I'd never look back, but if I never have a child and never meet them to fall in love, then I can continue the one life I have being free and being me and who I am. It's selfish, but only to someone who doesn't exist.
Completely agree with you, Eva. I don’t want children either. I don’t want the role of a mother, the role that I feel our society largely (unfortunately) undervalues. I spent a lot of time with my nephew when he was a baby and that was a good validation for me as to why I shouldn’t have kids. He was cute and a great baby but for 2 months that I spent together with him to help my sister, I felt suffocated, I felt like I had lost everything, I felt like I was lost and I felt very, very tired. I wasn’t even a parent to this baby, I was just helping out. I’ve been married for 4 years now and every time the topic of kids comes up and I say that I don’t want them, people respond with “you’ll change your mind” , “what’s the point of life without kids”, “you’ll be bored of your husband over time so might as well have kids”, “who will look after you when you’re old”. I find this so fascinating, that our society is built with an expectation that everyone will follow a linear passage in life. They will study at school, study at uni, get a good job, get married, buy a house, have a kid, have another kid. And then force your kids to have grandkids. I don’t buy into this. I think there is more to life than just having kids. If people want kids, absolutely, I don’t judge and I love kids. But the expectation for EVERYONE to have kids is just crazy. I remember when I told my father in law that I don’t want kids, he said “it’s your social responsibility to give us grandkids”. That blew my mind, social responsibility? No, it’s not, it’s a choice, it’s a very personal and private choice. Nothing wrong with having kids or not having kids but everyone should have the right to choose what’s right for them. I think if more people thought about whether they really want kids, we would have a happier population out there. Thank you, Eva for talking about a subject that I think is very much still taboo, in 2023. And for making women like me, feel less weird and “odd one out”. Thank you.
Getting old and dying of some dreadful disease sucks. Most people (parents) do not take into the consideration the pain and suffering that happens at the end of life. 10 minutes of excruciating pain as one dies from cancer is enough to wipeout a lifetime of happiness. What's worse is most of the time, the selfish parents that brought you into this world will not be around when you are there writhing in pain before you take your last breadth.
I grew up radical Christian and had kids very early. And as much as I love them and would never give them back.. I know, if I had the choice back then, I would not have had kids. I broke out of religion, am single mom of 3 kids now.. but I know I could have lived my potential better without kids and that I would have been a better person. I offen feel I have to navigate a life I was not meant for. .. still thankful.. it’s a wise and strong decision to not have kids. And I congratulate you for that backbone you have.
I’m 47 and retired from the military. My two kiddos are grown, I put them both through college, and now they’re living their lives. I live alone, and enjoy traveling when I want to, and where I want to. I love being a dad! Raising children isn’t for everyone. You have to want to have children, if you don’t. Then don’t. Either way, no one should tell you how to live. One day you might want to…that’s cool too. It’s your choice.
Better to be selfish with no kids than selfish with kids 🤣 that’s how I see it. I don’t see kids in my future either. I do however want to help my nieces and nephew as they go through life experiences 😊
Thank you Eva. I love your videos. I am 32 years old and I am really starting to get stressed out because I am at an age I should have children. But it's just not the right time for me. I have anxiety and there are a lot of other things that I want to do in life so I am not even sure that I would be happy with a child even though I have this feeling that I really want to have children. :)
I love this “my life energy is much better spent on things I am passionate about”. I feel the same. We are not all equally suited to a specific task. Let the passionate parents spend their energy where they can, and will, give it their all. For me, my energy is well spent in other places, where my passions lie.
I really appreciate a young woman that is so conscious to stop and think about this instead of just "plugging in", literally/figuratively 👀and blindly pro-creating. For all the parents commenting, what makes you feel like creating new beings that are doomed to suffer and die is worth the misery? I see many saying "I was once like you until I had my x number of them". Not to be mean but all of these comments from parents look like clueless carbon copy copes. Like you all are posting about having your kids just to have them or trying to rationalize an accident.
Not wanting children is fine. Maybe your desire will evolve with time and it's fine too. Maybe you'll meet someone you'll want to have a child with, or not, and it's fine too. Live your life the way you want. 🌞
Thank you so much for making this video. I am struggling with the guilt and shame about not liking babies/children. I am tired of explaining myself and feeling like I'm a societal pariah.
You can either want children or not want to have children. What ever you decide is your decision. Children can be extremely taxing. I raised one. It was a lot. However, after all I have been through with him, I do feel good about it.
I never wanted kids. I knew I didn’t want any when I was very young because of how I was raised. Very dysfunctional household where my mom abused me physically and mentally. I was spit on , hit with a belt , always blamed for things I didn’t do , given silent treatment when I was very little . If I came home from school without a smile plastered on my face she would yell “ what’s the matter with you “! She always picked on me. My dad was an alcoholic. He told me he started drinking around 13-14 years old so my parents always fought. My mom was always angry and mean and my dad was always working or drunk. I remember thinking of this is what’s it’s like to raise a child then I don’t want any part of it. I was abused so much that I was terrified I would treat my child the way my mom treated me and I don’t want to do that. I was always so unhappy and I just don’t want to make someone else unhappy. I feel like I’m unstable mentally. I have two sisters . One doesn’t want kids either. The other one has two and both of her kids are in therapy with major anxiety and depression. Her daughter went to therapy for over a year about her mom ( my sis ) and went NC while going to therapy. I have no idea what happened with all of that but I think my sis with the kids passed some dysfunction onto her kids.
Thank you for sharing this with the world and furthering the conversation about why it is ok not to want children. I am mother to three biologically and many others, just from maternal nature. I was meant to have children and yet at the moment only one of my three children has any inclination that if life presents the opportunity they might have children. I think all of my children are right in their decisions. I have always told them, if you want to have children that is wonderful and if you don't that is wonderful and please don't have children just to fulfill some perceived societal expectation. There are enough of us driven to have children that the species will continue to exist for many thousands of years, if we can learn to take care of the world we live in.
