The Number One Rule for Healthy Relationships 

Main problem: anxiety of being honest, anxiety of seeming vulnerable

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." George Bernard Shaw

"Nonviolent Communication" was one of the most eye-opening books for me on this topic: open dialogue where we take ownership of our needs and wants without putting the blame on our partners has been a game changer

Alain de botton saying "Fuck off and die" got me

I know it might sounds obvious, but all these things he said are 100% valid with friends, family, whatever kind of relationship you have. I recently started behaving in this way and I reckon it changed incredibly the way I live bonds with people, truly.

“Honest, Kind, & Polite” 😊

I believe that, before you say anything at all, one should undergo introspection to determine whether or not communication is warranted. Just because you might feel insecure or hurt, for example, does not mean you should necessarily notify your partner, colleague or loved one. Personal growth is to come to terms with your own feelings and determine whether or not these feelings are justified. If justified, one can then communicate these feelings in a healthy manner.

Ever notice that the moment you are honest, and talk openly to anyone, it is noticed immediately, because it is the exception. I pick it up with friends who are always happy, they just speak the truth. It is contagious when we all do it. it is beautiful

THIS. This is what I mean by communication is key. Every one of my exes agreed that communication is important without actually knowing how to communicate in a healthy way. I'm so tired of being the only one in a relationship that tries sooooo hard to communicate in a respectful, kind, and non-assuming/non-accusing way.

The problem is that a lot of us don't know how we are feeling. Feelings have been pushed down or away for so long that even the individuals themselves are only aware of the irritation they feel rather than beung conscious of the root of the irritation. For example "I'm annoyed that you are spending time with friends" is surface level. It takes a lot of unpacking to be able to realise the root is actually fear of abandonment or rejection

A lot of people are not aware of their real feelings (or the cause of the feelings), they just feel angry or upset without analysing the motive behind it. What they say is related to the closest thing that bothers them, that is really only the trigger.

This advice is delightful, WITH the caveat that the other person is at least willing to try to also communicate in a nonviolent way. Otherwise, you have an emotionally unavailable dynamic that is not going to change.

"honest, kind and polite". Probably, one of the biggest life lessons that we need entirely throughout our life.

2:44 goes suddenly so hard, I was not prepared.

I think for a lot of people, a big part of the problem is the older generation shaming us into silence until we snap because people under the age of 40-50 aren't allowed to think or feel. For example, growing up, I was made to be the eternal villain in my life. If I asked someone to stop doing something that hurt me... it was like, how dare I, how dare I have the gall to not consider THEIR feelings, how dare I put my needs over their wants!? I was grounded, I was treated worse, and it was made abundantly clear that 1) I wasn't a person, I was property, and 2) Not saying anything at all was a defense mechanism best employed one hundred percent of the time. Very recently, a friend of mine with severe auditory sensitivity (an unfortunate tendency to be overwhelmed by sound that I share and in fact experience even more acutely) asked our group if we could stop with something. I was thrilled that they spoke up and was excited to accomodate their request. Later that night, I spent time with a different friend who was screaming needlessly (they weren't even upset and just felt like screaming) and based on how my day had gone, I addressed my concerns. And I felt awful. Because how dare I, HOW DARE I express my wants and needs? We need parents, teachers, and other such figures in the lives of our youth to treat the young like people and not property. Because communication is important, and a lack of it can quite literally tear our entire society apart. And they're making many, MANY of us feel like we're simply not ALLOWED to communicate. (Take the absurd phenomenon of age gating pain. I'm 34 with a chronic injury from 30 years ago. If I even shuffle uncomfortably because of my messed up back - which is so bad that I'm legally disabled, oh no how dare I, I'm under the age of 60 so I don't have pain receptors at all, and clearly I need to be beaten to a pulp to show me that I don't actually know what pain is! I HAVE NEVER MET SOMEONE OVER THE AGE OF SIXTY WHO DID NOT TAKE OFFENSE TO MY ABILITY TO FEEL PAIN. WHAT THE HELL!?) And of course, I've tried to communicate how obscene this is. But this isn't even talking to a brick wall. A brick wall has the literal integrity to eventually crumble and give way.

A healthy relationship is made when both parties are willing to express themselves in an honest, kind and polite way. If only one is actively doing it, they will just be drained in the long run and will lead to a bitter ending.

This advice is great, but only if both people can respectfully handle each others' vulnerability. There are people who will turn it against you. If you are with such a person, you may need to break it off, because that person doesn't have empathy and compassion. A person like that is not usually motivated by those traits.

2:01 Basically "think before you speak".

Worst situation is when you're with not mature enough partner so even your kind attempt to communicate for example "I'm tired and angry so can you leave me alone for a moment so I can calm down and rest?" isn't met with understanding but with "Oh, so you don't love me?" or worst "Is it because of me?"

my last relationship that lasts 7 years ended like this. I gave her many many chances to explain herself what she actually mean. sometimes i relent, be soft, and ask her directly. but i was still met with violent insults. thats when i decided i don't care anymore and left her.

This channel, along with therapy, has been so helpful in my healing journey.

I am delighted to see that your editor has reintroduced a few seconds of silence before the video ends. All your videos make me think, and I find myself needing to take a moment to mull over what was said. Those few seconds give me an opportunity to press pause and reflect, instead of the playlist immediately moving on and I hear someone else banging on about something completely different.

The biggest frustrations of my past relationships have been from my partner either not communicating what they're thinking or feeling, or communicating something they later reveal wasn't true. I can't do better if you lie about what hurts you. I can't do better if you won't tell me what's wrong.

I once heard somewhere, be honest, but be tender in your honesty. It’s guided me well.

I'm 33 years old now, and my personal 3 pillars for the past 5 years have been: honest, kind and compassionate. I literally GAGGED when the answer to the question: "If I were gonna try and be three things" came up! You're on it, as always, TSOL! (L)

Communication also only works if the other person actually listens and comprehends. You can be the best communicator in the world and would still be meaningless if your words go into one ear and out the other of the person you're trying to communicate with. My ex was a dismissive avoidant, so even though I very thoroughly communicated with him in a nonviolent way, no insults, just straight to the point + reassurance, it was to no avail. No matter how much I tried, he either wont listen, or listens but doesnt care or act, or throws a "sorry" and repeat anytime you bring the problems up again. He even made it look like IM the problem. "My day is ruined because of you" "thanks now i feel like shit" "Can you not ruin my night for one second?" "why do you always have to do this?"...

At the end of the day, acting in a kind way is still acting. So it is important to also be kind enough to yourself to admit it is a skill set that you can, and will, hone over time; and that acting kindly, even if it is not completely honest, is much better than the alternative. The point of communication with others is not to be understood, it is making yourself the least likely to be misunderstood.

WOW *pause at key moments and ask, ‘if i were to be 3 things-honest, kind and polite- what would i say now?’* I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT 🙏🏽

Honesty and open communication are vital for building trust and intimacy in a relationship. Being truthful and transparent with your partner helps create a strong foundation. However, honesty should be balanced with tact and kindness. Bluntly voicing every critical thought may do more harm than good. Effective honesty involves communicating with care and consideration.The healthiest relationships tend to have a combination of honesty, compassion, and a shared commitment to the relationship. The key is to find a balance of openness, empathy, and commitment that works for both partners.👋❤

3:10 This part reminds me of the THINK acronym, Is it?: T-rue H-elpful I-mportant N-ecessary K-ind

“To speak candidly, yet kindly, is as complicated as to play the violin, and perhaps a good deal more useful and beautiful.” Perfect! ❤

As an avoidant type person, this is definitely a skill I need to focus on and practice. I appreciate all the examples

I had a fight with my wife a couple days ago.. thanks, this video was what I needed at this time.

Another “main problem:” the enraged/defensive/low self esteem partner has to know their triggers and be open to examining them. There’s no other way for this to work. Many of us are so unaware of our own mental shit on a daily basis, we’re able to fool ourselves into thinking that it *really* is the other person’s fault. We walk around subconsciously playing out the same mental loop in a variety of relationships. Sometimes it’s our ego trying to protect us from that nagging feeling that maybe our partner actually does have a point. All of that to say… This video is powerful, IF you remember that you have to BE a semi healthy person AND date one for this to work.

This is all surely true, but one must not expect such clear and direct communication from others and act like they speak this way. To try to listen and understand what is behind all those rude and/or evasive speech is perhaps even more important than to correctly express ourselves.

For anyone who has been trying to express themselves in this "better" way mentioned, but the other person in the relationship still seems to take it negatively or avoid communication all together, please, and I repeat, please don't blame yourself. Speaking from personal experience, even if you have all the best intentions, some people sadly won't understand it or outright refuse to understand it, no matter how you twist or turn it. Believe me, it hurts to be in such situation, but it's valid to feel that way. For me, it was a rough time, and even to this day I can feel the aftermath, but never forget that you've done your best with what you knew. ❤

1:30 That made me do a small chortle. I actually play the violin and wonder quite what the point of that is 🤣

These advice work only if your partner is mentally healthy in general and only have some acquired bad communication habits that he or she is willing to work through (same as you are trying to do). Although, the reality is often more cruel. There are many people with narcissistic personalities and a bouquet of different psychological conditions. Being kind can all the time can turn one into a victim in a relationship. It’s important to see if your open heart meets another open heart. If not, sometimes it’s better to step back and look for an escape instead of trying to find a key to a lock which has no keyhole whatsoever.

I feel like as kids we experienced that being honest could lead to disapproval and dismissal. And so we shut down ourselves and put a mask on and this has followed everyone into adulthood :( oh how i grieve for all our inner child, may we be the parent we never had and become ourselves again❤

Communication is EVERYTHING

I feel that no matter how good my husband treats mem....I always look for ways to prove he doesn't love me.....I have issues.

It takes an incredible amount of self awareness that lots of people don't have unfortunately

One year after getting out of a hurtful relationship, I still cannot find anyone who is willing to spend the time to communicate like this instead of generating conficts out of nothing, blaming me in every statement they make or laughing at me when I react by speaking clearly and calmly about how I feel about it (instead of biting into the imaginary conflict and shouting or something like that). I understand we are human and there might be times where one can't react well, but all the time? I seriously don't understand what's going on, if I'm having bad luck or maybe only some people with aspergers find value in this kind of direct communication. Honestly I feel lonely and out of hope.

“to speak candidly yet kindly is as complicated as playing the violin, and perhaps a good deal more useful and beautiful”

This is great advice, but does miss the fact that a lot of the anger we feel is valid however was probably evoked by someone other than our partner, maybe a long time ago. Therefore we can’t expect that hurt part of ourselves to be muffled, but express the anger and pain in a different way.

Assertive Communication is the most useful skill we can aquire in life.

Wow, great advice. I think what you are suggesting is that the person expressing their feelings, the speaker can use more polite and kind ways to express their feelings but instead, they express it in the form of rage, but in the listener's side as well, I think some people can or are expected to understand the hidden meaning in their angry tone and respond affectionately than arguing back. This expectation is a problem. Some people can't understand this. Mothers can. For example, she knows exactly what the baby is crying for whether it is for food, water, diaper, or attention, while the dad might just hear a loud cry, that is, just noise and no information. So understanding each other's capacity is important to express kindly or to understand the deeper meaning and respond kindly, and the limitations, of what one can and cannot understand and thereby adjusting to them accordingly.

Sometimes the opposite happens. I'm trying to convey a feeling like the B version in the video, but it's hard to precisely and thoroughly express my feelings, my vocabulary is struggling, yet they focus on certain words or phrases, (involuntarily) ignoring its _meaning,_ while I can't come up with a more precise phrase, and hence we misunderstand each other. Like I'm trying to convey the underlying message, yet they see only the surface.

I clicked on this video expecting to hear just some person talking about what they think would've fixed their last relationship while calling it the fix-all. However, I was greeted with an idea I knew to be true yet I never saw represented. I think everyone could benefit from watching this video, even if they are in a happy relationship or miserably alone; clear and honest communication about anything, especially oneself, is key in nearly every scenario.

The fastest way to a point is a straight line

I think this video just saved my relationship

You do this kind of communication not just to get a particular response. You do it bc it is in line with your values, how YOU want to treat people, who YOU want to be. That’s all you can control anyway. And then MAYBE it will influence another. “Be the change in the world you want to see” -Ghandi…Remember?

this has to be one of the most powerful videos this channel has ever released. I also loved the "now you try it" part❤ More videos like this one, please!

even as a kid, I would always tell my mom calmly that her ignoring about what i have to say about food she cooks is hurting me, but she is narcissist so she never cared enough She would start cussing at me, in turn i would again ask her what words of mine is making her mad and cuss when she can simply tell me where am i wrong so that i understand if i am wrong, she would cuss even more And the more i grew up, the more i saw that very less people are willing to communicate their thoughts as well as hear what others have to say This is so so easy to me, that when people don't hear well and communicate their words as well, i get so frustrated and heartbroken Getting angry and cussing is definitely tougher than simply communicating but somehow people chose the former

I think the problem isn't miscommunication with our partners, it's miscommunication with our own selves. I really struggled to understand what was going on inside of me, to even begin to explain to him what I needed. Only now that we're not together, the picture is getting clearer. It's beautiful how some people play such important and yet such temporary roles in our lives. If I ever see you again, I am going to be really scornful with you, but what I really mean sweetie is that I am grateful that I had that experience with you.

I don’t understand why so many people struggle to say what they really mean. I manage it. But kudos to School of Life for at least telling the perpetrator of bad behaviour what to do for a change, as opposed to telling the victim to be more tolerant.

2:27 say that and they will abandon you

sometimes we don't even know what the true problem is. also I need to remind myself of this when someone else is speaking to me. I take things far too literally, so this is really hard for me.

I read his excellent book and did some research into improving my emotional well being and intelligence. I vividly remember doing something completely vulnerable and foreign to me, I expressed candid vulnerability. I messaged her.. "Hey I know you've been busy, but I've really missed your attention and would like some reassurance." I got a call from her telling me she lost all feelings for me, and she broke up with me the next time I went to see her. It's so hard to remain optimistic when you finally decide to take a risk by getting your hopes up, and be vulnerable and you get absolutely crushed.

Relationships are so hard! I love the realistic examples you gave in your video...

Thank you nice British man for using your soothing voice for a good cause

If you want to have an adventure, tell the truth. Truth is like a piece of paper; once abused, the paper crumbles causing tears on the paper which are very difficult to restore.

I think everyone should enroll in the school of life ! Best teachers ever

Thank you, this came right at the perfect moment.

One of the best things I have seen in the last few years

Such a powerful and amazing message! "Fuck off and die" killed me btw! It's really interesting because this is one of the main lessons i've learned from my past relationship recently. As much as it pains me, I feel like a new man who's much more honest with himself as well as the people close to him. Honesty is perhaps the single most important thing in relationships just like it was mentioned in the video

A : "I don't give a damn who you talk to at the party" B: "I think I feel a bit hurt when you don't give me enough attention when we got out". A: "Why didn't you tidy the kitchen?" B: "I feel tired of you not taking enough responsibility in the relationship and it feels like a lot of work on my behalf" A: "Fuck off and die" B: "I don't want you to go away from my side right now and I need you close"

I have found that being honest and vulnerable in relationships puts me at a disadvantage in a world where it feels like nobody else is. It feels like putting my cards on the table in a poker game.

I think the problem is often that we overestimate how alike we think. When we reach an impasse in a disagreement, we should ask which element of the conversation we view fundamentally different, but what we most often do is conclude that the other person is making irrational judgements. If we've had a disagreement, we've falsely assumed we were in agreement about something. (not necessarily the main topic of the conversation) We just need to figure out what it is.

I started thinking this way in hs after I learned more about my religion and wanted to change and become like the prophets I learned about. The best way to get into this mentality is to be honest with yourself first. We often delude ourselves so we can feel better, feel like we weren’t wrong in the situation and that we are never to blame. It’s a lot healthier to tell yourself “yeah, my ego got the best of me and she/he was right all along” or “you’re too defensive and you need to work on that. What others think of you will never impact you because they’re also lying to themselves like you are” or “you’re socially awkward, but so are millions of people and it’s really not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be.” things like that made me less afraid to be honest to myself and then in turn makes me a lot more honest to those around me.

I absolutely love this, explaining in the simplest ways the hardest questions and situations a relationship can encounter.

Truth = Vulnerability. While being able to explain and interpret things properly is important, trust is the underlying key.

I have no idea what aspects of honesty changes with autism, but me and my boyfriend (both of us being on the spectrum) have a hard time understanding how many people overlook this basic aspect of a relationship. Being honest, without sarcasm or violence, has always been our most important rule between ourselves. Of course sometimes with joke around with sarcasm, but when we discuss about serious topics, or just show our love to eachother, we'd never even think of being this aggressive towards eachother, or blaming one another for something that comes from within ourselves. This video was highly educative, and I'm glad to have stumbled upon it, even if its 5 A.M. and I should most definitely be asleep lol.

"To speak candidly yet kindly"

It's common sense to be clear in communication with your near and dear ones. I always tell my wife that we should communicate even when we have a fight. I have seen better outcomes when there's communication as compared to when there's anger induced silence 😊

Problem with this is that some people cannot handle honesty. They are so stuck in their own trauma they don’t care to grow and change.

Communication is always important. The claim makes sense but these examples don't. A large part of social interaction is wanting to be understood while also wanting to use minimal effort to convey that information. This for the most part is what causes frustration in conversations. In terms of healthy relationships being honest is important but even more so is communicating your needs when you feel resentment. Having the awareness to understand and explain what you feel and the stimuli that affect those emotions. Helps clue your partner to your needs and makes it easier to respect your boundaries. For example let's say you're running an errand at home and your partner who you live with you comes home. The look on their face you interpret as distain. Now you have a choice. How do you respond when they enter. Here's some options: - Hi dear! how was it? - Are you ok? you look upset? - (be affectionate such as a hug or kiss) - What now!? - Hey... - (say nothing) Of course sone responses get better answers than others. But notice how all of them are comments rather than observations you this, you that. A perhaps better responce would be Dear? Is everything ok? I though maybe something was wrong based on your expression. Reflective speech works cause it explains your thought process instead of justifying logical reasoning. So best advice is talk with the intention of goal oriented. Instead of saying what you want or how you feel. Say what you're thinking about and what they said that caused it to pop up.

My number one gripe with the world: people don't say what they mean. You don't have to be blunt (though it will come across that way to the rest of people who don't speak directly), but you should be accurate. Most don't do this.

Ha, CBT therapy taught me this as did my ex, who had very high emotional intelligence, combined with actual training. The ‘I feel’ statements. And still, it was a breakdown in communication in the little things that unwind us. But we both were strong enough communication wise to accept to end it amicably. I will forever be grateful to her for teaching and aiding me with this. I guess knowing how to communicate calmly and truthfully is a key skill many miss and it causes conflict. My family say I’m the best at conflict resolution. The first thing many don’t do, is hear out the other person with space, even if you strongly disagree with their stance.

The "A" example as just cursing always gets me 😭

Whilst a lot of these arguments are over inflated or unrealistic. The big takeaway is being just being honest and open with your significant other that doesn't degrade or intentionally hurt them. If they aren't willing to either sit down and talk calmly about a situation or show that they don't care enough, then they honestly simply aren't worth your time.

I have sometimes heard it broken down as "say what you mean, and mean what you say!" And yes, you ARE allowed to ask for help, i promise. Safe, healthy people will ENJOY helping to prop you up, even (and perhaps especially) when you're dealing with something difficult. And if it's hard to believe that about others - for you, doesn't it feel good to be needed? :) Others want to be needed by you, too.

To do that you need to know how you feel, and many times thats not the case, so self knowledge helps too

*Larry Burkett's book on "Giving and Tithing" drew me closer to God and helped my spirituality. 2020 was a year I literally lived it. I cashed in my life savings and gave it all away. My total giving amounted to 40,000 dollars. Everyone thought I was delusional. Today, 1 receive 85,000 dollars every two months. I have a property in Calabasas, CA, and travel a lot. God has promoted me more than once and opened doors for me to live beyond my dreams. God kept to his promises to and for me*

Okay guys just appreciate this is for free.

"Communication is a good way to handle the problems, but so is being silent when needed"

Respect… that is a key to a healthy relationship… without respect, the relationship is serving a purpose for personal gain… NOT the health of the two in a relationship… this is true for all relationships… parent, child, friend, and romantic.

Eureka!! It is possible to express honesty, respectfully...

Amazing ! I recently had a similar situation with my partner who has an assignment in S. America. I had to travel for work with colleagues from my home in LA to D.C. Some of the communication was unexpected and irrational. Once the temperature was turned down it gave space for the underlying issues... hopefully that process will accelerate with practice!

Lost a 5 years situationship with a really beautiful woman. Why the fck would someone do this? Well... this video gives some insides: I had always witnessed horrible experiences with dates and even tho it looked like it was meant to be a relationship after months, they left me broken when I opened my feelings to them. This hurt me so badly over the long-term, that I refused to go into another relationship til' I made my own stuff done (2016). Because of external problems (health + covid), I couldn't do shit for my personal development for 5 years in a row (2017-2022). I met this girl in 2018; she was 18 and I was 21. We had a chemistry which was so crazy and we developed such a powerful bond which I never witnessed before. Sadly, I didn't feel the sparks but wanted to commit for her. So we started the situationship, but acted like in a totally normal relationship - just a more secret one. In 2023 she told me for the first time that she loves me from the bottom of her heart. She repeated it again and again over time. And what did I do? A: "I also have feelings, but I don't think they're enough for a relationship yet" B: "I love you so much but my past kills me with attachment anxiety, can we somehow do anything against it?" A (after she said she loves me): "I do so, too... but not as much as you, you know?" B: "After 1000s of tries where I suppressed to tell you my love, I was finally able to tell you that I love you and I feel so reliefed" A: "I love you" B: "I love you" She (shortly before): "Sorry, I think that I just lost feelings for you" After telling her that I love her, she was shocked, cried and wished that we could have talked earlier about it. To be more honest, polite and kind. This happened 3 months ago. She didn't lose, she just shifted her feelings towards someone new (3 weeks after "BU" they're together). A: "What an idiot you were. This could have changed your life" B: "Absoluetly true. This just changed my life"

real when I struggle doing it, it can be because I need to work to improve my patience, regarding myself (so I don't know if it's the same for everyone but it has been quite helpful so I wanted to talk about it in case it can help)

this is so GOOOD!!! youre healing a generation

I would 100% agree if only the world was full with kind and mentally healthy people. Sadly, it is not the case, so if we don't want to be walked over, we need, at times, to be harsh on people - even harsher than we had wished to be.

Isn’t this the essence of NVC? That practice opens hearts 💕

beeing open and honest, lead mostly to differences in feelings and wants and thus to seperation until the next partner came, and that happend over and over

My grandfather andy mother taught me the best time to be rude is never and it does take work but it's easier with the right influence around us

The rule: expressing our true feelings honestly and kindly

Another perfect gift. Thank you so much.

I'm incredibly grateful for these and this page. I'm hoping to be a better person through learning and practicing.

I like being blunt and straightforward sometimes and just say B right away without any coding