Quick poll: What do you think about that mum's "jokey" comment about my kids' speaking Chinese? 1) Out of order, outrageous; 2) Just a joke? Please share in the comment below!
We can imagine what she was trying to say: "The sound of your child and you speaking is to me completely foreign; it's so surprising and cool that you and I can be friends and yet there is a whole other side to you and your child that I know nothing about!" But the way she said it was not appropriate or acceptable at all. It's unfortunate, because in the moment you (and I, I'm sure) didn't feel prepared or confident enough to respond immediately in a firm way (for example "I don't appreciate you making fun of my child and our language. That is hurtful."), and so this interaction that could have been a learning moment for her, and she could have apologized and you could have continued to be friends, instead turned into a difficult situation where you feel regret about your lack of response, whereas she either also feels regret for saying something rude or feels no regret and has no idea how rude she was. I am one of those people who thinks about these kinds of situations in my life constantly for years, wondering how it could have been handled differently. I hope you are better than I am at letting go of this stress.
You're not overreacting the first time I dealt with racism was from my "boyfriend" Joey's mom in Kindergarten when he introduced us to each other. She was smiling talking with the other children's parents and Joey said, "Excuse me mom look here is my girlfriend Chelsey I told you about". I can still remember her frown, scrunched eyebrows, and curt smile while I shyly said hello to her. When I saw her reaction it reminded me of the race talk my mom gave me before the school year started. How we can't ask for playdates at people's houses instead my mother will arrange playdates for us because not everyone likes all races of people. I still remember this incident and how it made me feel. I'm 26 years old but this happened when I was 5 so it left me with a lasting impression. You never want your first racist situation to come from the people you care about because it lasts longer in your mind...I hope you are not friends with that person anymore or don't have unsupervised playdates with that mom because she will pass on those underlined biases to your children if they spend time at her house!
Just my opinion from my experience, and you don't have to agree. How you call her (or the next person) out would really depend on how much you want to keep the relationship. If you wanted to keep the relationship, laughing and not sure what to say isn't a terrible immediate response but then follow up later with a call or text regarding how her comment made you feel. Keeping it neutral and not even demanding any apology, only seeing how they respond. If you didn't care about the relationship, an immediate rebuke, even a gentle one, could cause the person to become defensive to protect their ego and say, "it's just a joke, you've being too sensitive, etc" (obviously not what you want and making the situation worse) or they could apologize immediately, but you wouldn't know if they were really being truthful especially when you're still together on a playdate. It might also kill the vibe of the playdate. The reason for delaying letting them know how you felt would be to give both of you some space to have psychological safety. You're less likely to lash out and they are less likely to give a knee-jerk defensive reply. Also, I feel like loading up a response for the next person could be detrimental because all of the pent up hurt feelings from the original situation will be subconsciously unloaded onto the next person in the next situation, even if it wouldn't warrant such a response. Again, just an opinion of someone that doesn't live in the countries that you frequent. I wouldn't know if cultural differences would make my response completely incorrect so do what you like. Thanks for the video. 🙂
Thank you for this video. It is so important to be prepared for this before it happens, because unless you are expecting it and mentally ready, it can be so devastating to your confidence. The UK, the US, Australia, these countries are not multilingual-friendly, so inevitably something will happen to you and you need to be prepared!
The algorithm brought me here. Great information and I admire your family's dedication to education for your children's future. They'll thank you one day. 加油!
