The Secret That Almost Killed Me | Kirsten Johnson | TEDxSDSU 

Every pause, every word, shook me. She was so brave to tell her stories. She helped me become more open about my suicidal ideation, and made me seek help. Thank you for that, Kirsten.

“As a culture, we don’t want to talk about the underlying trauma.” The thing is, unless and until we talk about the underlying trauma, we don’t heal.

Dear Sister, You are courageous. This secret is unbearable.

Thank you for sharing your elephant. Powerful stuff. The flight, flight or freeze reaction is not a choice. Hearing you say this really struck me. The revictimisation shocked me. The ability to change the pattern soothed me. So many people don’t speak about this including me so thank you for speaking.

Telling the secret to the wrong person can really put you inside a never ending spiral. It can be dangerous, so choose the person wisely. Letting someone into the most traumatic event of my life was awful, I was made to feel repeatedly, it was my fault. I wish nobody goes through, what I went through. I know how that deep depression and anxiety can kill you like a poison from inside.

One of the most relatable speeches I've ever heard. Crazy. I am not alone

I don't understand how as a human someone could actually do that to another human..

I shared my secret when I was 13. Today I am 33. I have told my secret to at least 32 professionals... Nobody helped me. They added to the trauma. Society put me aside. I cannot but smile and pretend that I am ok to cope with work. Nobody truly understands me and my pain. I am alone with it. A few weeks ago I started EMDR which is my last resort... because I tried everything and I emptied my pockets to be shown the way to healing.

She was incredibly lucky to go to such a upscale recovery center.. speaking as a recovered addict, what most people have to settle for due to lack of funds is horrible... everyone deserves a world class recovery- or at least a facility with enough COMPETANT, well educated addiction professionals and psychologists who can be one on one with each patient and not overworked and understaffed like all the facilities are these day. God bless every addict suffering and in recovery.

Tons of respect for this Kirsten.

i called a treatment center today because of you. thank you for having the courage to talk about this, you are helping so many people.

I honour your bravery for speaking your truth and calling out the elephant on the room. We can all learn a valuable lesson here, so thank you Kirsten for putting it out that, not sugar coated, raw and honest and hard. I am as always in awe of your courage & bravery as you face the demons within. Keep being you, you are so loved. Xx

You are so incredibly brave, Kirsten. Thank you for having the courage to get up there and share your story. You have already helped so many people in your life, and I know there will be many more after watching this.

I "deal" with PTSD. All I want is "sacred time & space" to heal. I continue to be in "toxic environments" focused on re-victimization. Thanks for letting me share 💝

She is so right. And don't tell yourself that your elephant isn't big enough to be worth some help. Because nobody else can make that decision. only you know, how you feel about something.

one day I'll find my voice, I hope.

2 minutes in and I have goosebumps and feel every single word she is saying .. I’m still working on my ptsd and still haven’t let anyone know... this gave me hope that one day I will be able too😔❤️

And this is true on any abused victims, physical or psychological. Many feels silenced and unable to speak up while the abuser happily goes on with their life pretending to be great person for everyone else... until they find new victim.

It breaks my heart to listen to this. Poor woman. I’m glad she’s recovering from all this horrible trauma.

Such a courageous woman who by sharing her stories has hopefully made us more aware and strong.

a speech that makes the core of one's soul to shiver and makes the angels cry. I wish nothing but happiness for you the rest of your life 💕

I was never afraid to tell my story. My problem was finding people who care, listen, and do not take advantage. Trust me when I say this that the secret I bare could tempt even the highest of some professionals to take advantage. No, issue is about trust. It is about respecting, and understanding. It is about recognizing, with respect other people's boundaries.

Wow! At first I thought she was never going to speak. She kept pausing, it was like it was so hard to drag every word out. All of a sudden it was like a raging flood, spilling out of her like lava, gushing higher and faster every second. That was an amazing story, she had so much pain, so much trauma. I am glad she got help, and is using her experience to help others. Bless her.

I can't believe how similar our stories are. You have helped me so much. Thank you for not being silent.

I'm 42 and I am still afraid frequently,thank you so much for sharing!!

how cruel can a person be? so happy for her. love her and hope she continues inspiring others. Thanks Kristen.

Fantastic talk Kristen. I've known you "virtually" for a while but didn't know your whole story. What has always struck me about you is your adventurous spirit along with your generosity, courage, and contagious joy. I'm so pleased you overcame those challenges and now I better understand where those powerful traits spring from. Thanks so much for your honesty and transparency and for speaking up and out to encourage others to begin an upward spiral.

When she talks about her recovery the joy and relief in her voice is so amazing.

This was so powerful. The problem is many times your own family do not believe you. They can’t accept the truth and that in itself is another trauma. This happened to me and it is emotionally isolating. However, you are right the only way out or ‘up’ is by speaking out and honoring our authentic self.

This is a wonderful and powerful talk. Words are weapons. I also love that you use the word survivor, not victim. I've asked my friends recently to call me a survivor, not a victim. Thank you for this talk ❤️

I’m very proud of you Kirsten. Powerful message. Keep up the real path. It matters. You matter.

This talk is fantastic....and knowing this woman went through what she did....makes it even more resonating. She has a very positive message to tell! What a love she has!

I can't even process right now. This young lady very well may be the strongest person I've ever heard speak.

It's Complex-PTSD. Ptsd caused by *continued* trauma. Ptsd is trauma from a singular event. This poor girl endured years & years of continued trauma & abuse 😞😭

Thank you for sharing this. It's strange, yet comforting to hear someone else describe the same feelings you've experienced. Glad to see she's opening up and processing the trauma that has changed the trajectory of her life.

What a wonderful discussion. As I mentioned on FB, this is such a relevant and necessary dialogue that needs to happen more. I truly believe this message can help those who are considering suicide are their only option to feel safer opening up about their pain and trying to find the proper help to heal.

Your story sounds so much like mine.... thank you, beautiful soul..💪💪

What an incredibly gifted speaker on such a heartbreaking topic. I hope this helps open the door for other survivors to communicate their story and pain.

This is my story to the exact same words. Embrace your voice, believe survivors, change the culture.

You’ve inspired me *so* much. Thank you. I decided to come out about my problems. You’re stronger than you’ll ever know. ❤️

Thank you for sharing. Silence must stop for cycles of violence to end.

Kirsten Johnson you are a total inspiration, much love and respect to you and all watching.

She’s very brave for sharing this story! God bless you Kirsten❤️❤️❤️

I was in foster care, I have no memories of what happened. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD due to trauma in early childhood.

Wow,,!!!! You’ve just told my own life story - I related to everything!, I’ve stayed silent for too long and your talk has helped me feel,less isolated . I’ve stayed silent on so many traumas as I didn’t want to be judged. Wishing you continued health and sobriety and thanks for sharing 🙏🏼💕💕

i couldn’t really sit through the video yet but thank you for being so brave and telling your story. I’ve saved this video and will finish watching it one day. That little bit Ive heard is powerful enough.

I have a lot of secrets, but I'm slowly getting them out. I'm going to therapy, I've been there for 2 sessions, and have already told my mom about my depression. that's the very top of the iceberg but at least it's a start. (edit) I'm also still going through a lot, and to be honest I'm still in a very toxic mindset.

Thank you SO much for sharing with us, Kirsten! My gosh do I feel you... I feel you so much! All my love to you. You are amazing and inspiring. It's so hard to live with the trauma aftermath every single day, physiologically and psychologically. It's a pain indescribable.

This is one of the bravest people I’ve seen.

Thanks so much for this. Some of her experiences resonate with me; I have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety too, I am also a recovering alcoholic: I am now 8 years and 9 months sober. I have some traumas that I have been dealing with alongside bipolar disorder. For me I am learning that there's a lot of help out there but I had to be willing to listen and understand and stop getting in the way of my healing. God bless.

i'm so sorry for you and all the people who were abused when they were young. you should always have a voice.

Me too. Still in recovery. Thank you for sharing your story.

It’s a disorder if you don’t experience post traumatic stress from these things. PTS, is a normal reaction to horrific events, it’s not an abnormal response. You only have a disorder if you don’t feel bad when bad things happen. Love to you all.

I think I need professional help.

You are very strong and brave, and I pray you heal completely ♥️ May the almighty God bless and help you💕

Sister, preach! I see you, I hear you, we understand each other’s pain. The fear of leaving the house and sleeping anywhere that anyone could access me really hit home. To this day, I sleep with a locked bedroom door.

She's so amazing that I felt every word she said

Thank you for sharing you story, Kirsten. I'm so glad that you are rising above the things that were done to you. God bless you for being willing to be vulnerable in order to help others.

The right thing to do and can take years to realise ...I love TED talks and people like this that are brave and giving..Thank you

Very courageous! There are things I myself could confess. Thank you for your inspiration and bravery.

CPTSD is a form of PTSD but more severe. I understand her whole story. Me too. xoxoxo

I have found that it seems to be the majority of women in recovery were actively using to kill the pain of some kind of horrid abuse. The substance abuse is a secondary problem because of it. Some of us have found our way through the pain of abuse yet still struggle with addiction to substances, sick relationships, overindulgence in various things and CPTSD. For some of us recovery has become a way of life and helps us daily stay out of the ditches. I can not say enough good things about recovery, it saved my life. Nothing is perfect, including recovery. I had to find a solid support group of longtimers and become solid myself before dealing with newcomers, yet still have found nothing that has given me more or better healing. Oddly enough the focus on the real self pulled me away from the made up egotistical survival self. Today I keep my head up and face my challenges with confidence, not ego. Thank you for speaking your truth and hopefully planting the seed that grows the vine that so many of us have been able to grow and be fruitful on, instead of wilting in pity and shame. It works when you live it.

I used to tell random people about my story .. because I’m too afraid to tell someone i know 💔☺️

Happy to say that the same power it takes to suppress my abuse , is the same power I now function in. Not to mention if you can speak to ur friends about it, you will be surprised how much permission it gives another to speak of it, sometimes for the first time

Tks for sharing part of your life story. I too am working on my traumas, EMDR is helping. It took a semi road rage assault to bring out the deep and hidden ones. My wife is by my side supporting me as I walk thru so many T’s and the anxiety , panic , crying ext. I’m over 60 urs old. Guys and gals Please deal with yours ASAP.

Inspirational to many!! Keep talking as the more we all hear it the more others will also speak up. We are ready for the truth to surface! It’s time to change our world from pain into love💗

I was recently diagnosed with Ptsd. My current boyfriend is the only person i really ever opened up too...my therapist helping a little... EFFEXOR is a horrible drug very addicting made life worse

Thank You - as uncomfortable as I felt about Your mesaage, I made myself listen. You have described similar events that occurred in my life. It's like a hard punch to the gut when ever I hear of other's trauma.

Also Victim of Old-School Child Abuse, TY for your Ted Talk

The justifications an abuser tells themselves baffles me. Going through this currently, I can only leave on HIS TERMS not mine. Maybe I just should then take advantage of the moments apart to make a real escape plan ...

And about 30 other things you mentioned. Revictimizations, the adverse physical effects of unmanageable stress due to trauma (mine was the manifestation of Shingles at 21- the entire nerve plexus was illuminated with a sick open sore that was painful even when not being touched, and that same exact region of my back will start aching when I’m under more stress than typical, a rapid hair loss on my scalp which has never fully returned probably because my stress has remained constant if not slowly increased over time, and I even have unexplained dental issues as someone who is very adamant about my dental hygiene).... so many things just hit all my nails on the head during that talk. Thank you.

I have been looking for so long for someone who's gone through anything even remotely similar to me. Thank you for being the voice I need to hear right now.

So proud of you Kirsten! You're one strong person 💛

So brave. Something just clicked with me.

The thing that angers me is why don't these men and sometimes women know or are they pretending they don't know they're hurting these survivors? We need to teach our children better that they will only be respected when they respect others their boundaries etc and just because your peers do it or that movie star does it doesn't make it ok!

I’m happy that telling her traumas have helped and empowered her, we all process pain and trauma in different ways to heal. To continue to be linked to the trauma your entire life by resharing and making it the focus of your life isn’t for everyone. I survived it, I won’t spend my life or give anymore of my time to it. I’m glad it worked for her.

Wow, just wow...so relatable. Thank you for validation for fellow PTSD sufferers

This is my story I have been though this I am now crying to myself about myself to learn real self love again before it first happened when I was 4 1/2

YOU ARE SO STRONG. Thank you for telling your truth

I was quiet for a very long time. . . Now I don’t care who knows I’m not protecting anyone! ANYMORE!

I'm wondering why 85 people would down vote this. It was very brave and compassionate of her to share her story to help others. Why can't you see that? Thank you Kirsten and be blessed

Me too. I found my voice and i am finally healimg.

Thank you Kirsten for an encouraging testimony. May God bless you more that you may bless others suffering from anxiety and fear. Jesus is our healer...

Love you Kristen. I’ve had your same symptoms especially with klonipin. What gave me my issues are different than yours but similar in the source of many things. I like a lot of your content on your channel

Powerful truth. Thank you.

You are beautiful, strong and you are a survivor

Sad story . Beautiful impressive amazing soul . Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.

so important to remark on the treacherous trend that forms after 1 unacknowledged experience of abuse, it can happen again and it's impossible to keep pretending its normal, you deserve better. you deserved better the first time and double that amount everytime it put a spike in your path, it can be a whole life of reminders, your loss didn't end in that time, at any point in your life you deserve better than having been made to carry that. allow yourself the bare minimum of better you deserve, to get better and rise to the life you always shouldve had

There are actually four responses: fight, flight freeze or fawn.

Can relate on multiple levels. Glad for her recovery and sharing her story.

This woman is so inspiring she has gone through a time that no one should ever go through.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Wow this took huge amounts of strength to share- thank you 🙏

Thank you so much I really needed to hear this ... and your so strong and amzing.

Thanks for sharing. You are amazing!!!

Every Heart ♥️ has a Story to Tell. I Broke my silence often, but Most of The people, even professionells could Not handle IT. Now Jesus Christ is my healer and does Wonder ✨🙌🦋💃

Great speech!!! Thanks for sharing. 🙏🏼💜🤗

i tell myself every day i need to get help, but i can never bring myself to tell my parents i’m depressed

SMH my son PTSD took that knife and slashed his fathers throat ( he was ok). Now son is going to prison while his victimizer ( Father) gets to be the victim. Too sad that my son couldn’t get help before this terrible event.

She is so strong.