The Truth About Mother Wounds & 3 Ways to Heal - Terri Cole 

Did this resonate with you? Do you feel like the mother wound is an invisible scar? Which healing exercise are you willing to try? Remember to download the guide here: www.terricole.com/self-parenting-heal-motherwound-guide/ and check out my mother wound course here: terricole.com/motherwound

I've had a mother wound for years, my mother is narcissistic and had everyone in my family thinking she was a great mother and I was the ungrateful child when she really thought as long as she gave the basics like clothing, food and shelter it was enough. I could not depend on her for anything else and I was made to feel like I was never good enough because I was born a girl instead of a boy she always wanted. We still have a strained relationship. I was forced to grow up faster than I should have and became very independent and self sufficient.

My stepmother taught me how to be strong and resilient. I learned a lot from her modeling strong work ethics, providing for our family, keeping a roof over us and food on the table and managing money. After she died my dad wondered if she ever really loved him, hell, I wondered if she loved me or any of us kids because she didn't show it, except towards my youngest brother. She couldn't be vulnerable, she had a lot of pain that we couldn't understand but knowing what she had to put up with, with my dad, I don't blame her for shoving her emotions down. I learned that from her too, it's a coping mechanism in a turbulent marriage with an angry, controlling, abusive husband and/or father.

This video is such gold... I got to this video from watching your father wound video (also gold,)..both content has been really healing for me.prior. I had never fully acknowledged to myself (forself) the source parent for my wounds this ..it's growth for me.. Not blame only gain.. Love your work Terri Cole.. Sending appriciation from Aotearoa (the indigenous name) aka New Zealand.. Land of the long white cloud 🎉

Guitar playing self soothes

I love your videos....My mother plays head games with me, one minute she says she loves me & the next minute she treats me like she can't stand my presence. I been living with family members fas lighting me my whole life ....telling me the abuse is all in my head or that they cant see my mother being like that! I spent my life second guessing myself! My therapist told me that my mother never loved me & that she never will.

Thank you, Terri. I have been dealing with childhood emotional neglect issues lately from both my mother and father, (but especially my father). This term is new to me at my age of 77. My therapist has disagreed with the word neglect, “extreme.” Tonight I followed your two sessions on the mother wound from four years ago and from this year. I took copious notes. I have the scar. I intend to self-soothe my inner child, as you suggested. She needs love and affection, touch and praise. Your book is on my list this week. I appreciate your empathy and strategies. Bless you!

Thank you, Terri. These are very good suggestions with clear instructions on how to do them and why they help. I've saved this and will be sharing it. I hope you had a beautiful day today.

This resonated so much with me. I knew I had inner child problems/traumas,but never knew it was a mother wound. My mother was and still isn't a good nurturer. I've had so many times where I've needed a loving person like my mom by my side and she wasn't there. She never believed me when her bf sexually assaulted me and chose him over me. We still have a connection but very distant.

Thank you very much Terry, I really inspired by the content you create, and I want to ask your permission to make your video one of the sources for my content about motherwound in for my subscribers in Indonesia? Thanks for your attention Terry. Love from Indonesia. ☺🙏

I have always felt like an orphan. I raised myself, while my mother and siblings tried to break me. I was taught to hate myself and the criticism I received from them nearly destroyed me. Only my Dad ever showed me love. The pain I live with is too deep to mention. I have always felt alone in the world and it is terrifying. I don't have a family; I have relatives 😢😢😢

Awesome Podcast topic👏🧿

Terri thank you again for this valuable information. During your course on the father wound, you mentionned an article on your blog explaining the difference between mother and father wound I haven't been able to find. Would you kindly maybe share a link to it here ? Thanks a million 🙏

★★★★★ This information is so much more on the mark than the stuff that was taught to us thirty years ago by people like John Bradshaw, Thomas Moore, or even Claudia Black. The "mother wound" is a better descriptor than just shame. Belief is a good term but ideation is better because the ideation is a belief that is that profound, and because it probably originated before the child had the boundaries to know or understand that he or she didn't cause the lack or problems presented by the mother. Like the movie GOODWILL HUNTING, that it was "not your fault." Thanks, Terri!

Thank you Terri for this great episode. My mother is at the hospital with advanced-stage cancer. I'm taking the time to reconnect with my mother wounds and realize that there is still baggage to unpack and heal. I told her just last week that I often do things to hear her tell me I'm a kind person. It's difficult for her to give compliments and she recognizes that. I am generally very loving to myself nowadays, fx when I look at myself in the mirror. But it's very hard for me to let people in and trust them with my feelings. Terri, what can I do to open up again to people after having emotionally unavailable parents? I feel easily invaded when someone has genuine loving feelings or interest in me. It does not feel safe at all. I quickly feel exhausted in the presence of other people. I'm happy by myself. Any thoughts? Thank you Terri for your wonderful teachings!

I guess its impossible to assess how long it normally takes to heal from a mother wound? I suppose its different from person to person? 🤦🏼‍♂️😖 Been struggling from this my whole life....50 years of internal damage. 😢

Thanks so much, Our beloved Terri. I only got to realize my mother wound recently after the conception of my 1st born daughter (though 2nd child) which has intensified recently when I git to see the truth as it is. I tried mending walls but my mother was super defensive and narcissistic about it. I was hurt but glad I have the truth blunt to myself. There's no hope of fixing the martenal bond yet grateful I have a daughter to share it with and myself to begin with. I am However as a result of such an upbringing,as I suffered neglect and so much despise from both my biological parents have a husband who is truly controlling and altogether narcissistic. I have started working on myself but it's so not easy to stand up for myself and completely heal since I am seemingly in a continuous cycle. Is there a definite way I can cope and be effective with all my healing even in such a toxic environment?

Your definitely describing my mother all in all. Add a Religious Sadistically Catholic twist to the story. Im near 60 & she's 85 years old n evil healthy...

Oi amem❤😂

My mother died when I was very young…but I learned from her to care for what was mine. I’m an avid gardener like my mother was as well as the many women neighbors I grew up around. I also love animals and I strive to always be classic and timeless with my clothing ensembles as my mother was. But still…big mother wound around all those things that I admired about her - because she wasn’t perfect. Where I got into trouble was with my MIL. That difficult relationship was far more damaging as a young adult than the death of my own mother as a child. And it is clear that my husband was massively impacted by his mother but will never admit to her shortcomings probably out of embarrassment. This has been a source of discomfort in our marriage.

❤

I find the name mother impactor terrible, it sounds awful. I understand it means mother figure, someone who had a role of mother, but in the context of mother wound, is it appropriate? Only a mother can hurt you like that, no one else. The same words said by another adult in the role of a mother would not hurt as much. A child can say You're not my mother. Motherhood carries more weight, in my opinion, but I can be convinced otherwise.

My mother was very critical.. Told me I have no friends, I was unlovable, and a brat. Then she wouldn’t allow me to do anything with the friends that I had. I later realized she was jealous because she felt crappy about herself and she was unable to do what she wanted in life. My father was and is a control freak and verbally abusive.. My parents are a double edge sword. They love bomb us one minute the next minute, we were no good.. I grew up always feeling like shit! To this day, I push people away and don’t trust anyone. On a positive: My mother is a fantastic cook, she a wonderful host, she is very loving when she feels like being loving.

Both of my parents were extremely immature and traumatized themselves. I’m only recently learning about all this and it’s been liberating to cut ties with mom (3 mos now). My past has so much pain but I’m married to a fantastic partner, 10 years, and finally feeling safe enough to face it all and heal.

Now i understand, why everytime i tell to my cat " you're a pretty girl, you are such a pretty girl, i love you" and then i kiss her.... it really makes me and my cat happy😊❤

My mother wouldve been happier if she didnt have children. Shes in her 70s and none of her children including myself are close with her and keep conversation on a superficial level. I wonder if deep down she now realizes good parenting is more than housing, food, paid bills and material gifts in lieu of emotional security.

I’ve known about my mother wound for some time. My mom was not a great nurturer and I remember feeling like I wasn’t worthy of her love

As a child I would get blamed for things I had or hadnt done to the point I would confess to thingd I hadnt done just to cut to the chase of blame and punishment

I struggle with trusting women because of my mom

Thank you so very much for this! ❤ As a member of a larger family, with both parents displaying different forms of narcissistic traits, as well as two siblings with very similar styles of living, its been a few decades of unpacking, gaining understanding, healing and releasing. I am the only one (of the 7) that actively tries to heal. My father passed at Christmas, my mother is facing the last weeks/months as well. I'm finding facing the loss of our parents brings up much more than i expected in myself, but more so with my siblings...which (as in childhood) is being brought back towards me as well. THANK YOU for sharing your knowledge, your wisdom, and your beautiful grace on this channel. I feel like I have "unpacked" decades of "stuff" in the last 2 years alone from your gifts & wisdom. It ain't easy work, but your help and guidance has been life changing! I can breathe again, as odd as that sounds. ❤👏

My mom was abused, she became a toxic person, she was extremely controlling, and abusive. She pushed everything on my sister's and I. She was diagnosed with bipolar depression. She would rage and abuse us, horribly. I learned to stay away as much as possible. But she would never show up to any performance that I was involved in. This resonates so much. On a recent conversation she told me she wished I would stand up for myself more. But we would get punished severely if we did, that fighting was bad, being selfish is bad, and she changed the rules all the time.

I love your vids serious mommy energy that I never got 😅

I ever fantasize that my mother will available for me. But, in 30years, nothing change between our relationships. I feel loveless, not worthy enough. My mother just my only family member that I have. But, its painful to longing for mother love that missing in my childhood.

I am a mother of one awesome daughter who passed away from stage 4 cancer 2 years ago at the age of 36. My covert narcissistic mother is in her mid 80’s and has dementia. My ex-husband’s mother (also very narcissistic) is 104 years old and also has dementia. The point I want to make here is the extreme unfairness I feel in this world. While my young, very giving and loving daughter died so young, while these two selfish and covertly destructive grandmothers of my daughter are still alive and sucking up all the attention they can. Neither of them j is my daughter was sick and passed away because the are being cared for by family members who did not want to tell them this bad news because it might “upset” them. It is amazing how narcissistic mothers are able to manipulate people so that their feelings are always consider over everyone else’s. The message in the family where a narcissistic mother is present is “Gotta make momma happy”. Everyone puts the narcissistic mother’s feelings first and foremost if for no other reason than to avoid momma’s rage or passive aggressive punishment. I held my daughter’s hand as she took her last breath. I stayed with her during her 14 month’ battle with cancer. Yer, I feel guilty because I could nit do more for her, especially take away her pain… which was not only physical so, but also emotional. It is hard to grief your life at 36 years old. I will never forget what she had to endure, and yet if my mother did know my daughter was sick and dying…, I don’t think she would have been able to comfort me or my daughter. Looking back on my life, the only time I delft love from my mother was when I was giving her attention or when her I interaction with me was to get attention. Anytime I tried to set healthy boundaries with my mothers their was some sort of punishment that would follow. Either the silent treatment or the covert “behind my vack” smear campaign. Unfortunately I have a sister who is just like my mother. She also has 3 daughter’s line my Mom. And she “used” her daughters and their children routinely for narcissistic supply and to be her flying monkeys. The destruction that my Mom and this sister (and her flying monkeys) inflicted upon our family when my father passed away in 2014 would curl your tooth. Both of these narcissistic mothers have been very destructive (sometime dangerous) in their lives…. But they’ll probably outlive the good people in this world. My daughter certainly deserved more than 36 years.

My resentment is actually sorrow and pain

Happy I found this. Subscribed. Not sure if it's mother wound, but my mother has emotional issues because of her own mother's traumas. As a man I've always felt guilt, shame, not enough and that I have to be the perfect boy, the nice guy and that my mother's state of mind is on my responsibility. I mirror this in my relationships with women too.

You brought me to tears with the self parenting tip. Just cut off ties with my narcissistic mom 2 weeks ago and it’s so hard grieving someone that’s living but knowing it’s time to put yourself as a priority and heal that little girl inside whose been craving to be seen & heard for 37 years 😢thank you for this video ❤

oh my goodness! This is me!! I knew I had an inner child that was put through a lot of depression and rejection but I never knew how to heal and it caused me to not be as loving a mother as I should be because I just didn’t know how. Thank you for showing me that I am worth being loved and that I can treat my inner child like my beloved and treat myself by self-parenting. I am NOT A MISTAKE! I am loved and lovable…

how do I fix and heal the mother wound?

I never really felt free, my mother always had me tagged. I was the youngest of 5 children and I ended up caring for her until her death 2 months ago. At one point we were the same person. The hardest part is all of her fears were put on me daily. I didn't realize how fearful I was until her death because I haven't been afraid anymore. All of the warnings of doom and gloom from her were very depressing and I didn't even realize it. I do feel free now.

I have alwaya felt like a reject.. I suffered all kinds of abuse and never felt like I was worthy... I watched my Mother protect and nurture my siblings but I was left to it.

I don’t wish I had a better relationship with my mother. I can’t stand my mother. I don’t ever want a relationship with her but I still have a mother wound and don’t know what to do about it. I also see the generational effects from my great grandmother to my children. How to I heal myself and my girls and break this generational pain.

My Mum is very artistic and intelligent and a great educator

This is such a great video. I really appreciate the sensitive way you covered this very complicated relationship issue. Helping us to focus on the good things we got from our moms as well as what was missing. In a lot of ways my own mom was a great mom but things changed drastically as I got older and wanted to be "me." She became hyper critical of literally everything I did and so many things became a competition?? in her eyes. I have made peace with it over the years, partly because I saw how her own mother treated her. It was awful. Males were more important in her family and unfortunately that mindset bled over into my upbringing. Such a delicate topic and you just did an amazing job sorting through all of it. Thank you so much.

💕💕💕

That was so nurturing. I love how you don’t blame parents with the statement “We are all human” Terri. Will you be offering the course in 2024 at all? Australian/ Brisbane time zone?🥰Gratitude.🙏🏽Lee

THANKS! It makes me feel good to hear you say that. I talked to a cousin about why I had to cut contact with my parents. I hadn't spoken to him in years, we have a 20-ish years difference and I cut him off my Facebook last fall. I spoke to him, since I found out his mother died and gave him my sympathies. And since he's getting a certificate in psychology, he was trying to diagnose me vs. my parents, before I even told him why I wasn't talking to them anymore. And when I told him more about the situation, he said to me "why do you say that about your parents, they are good people." Our mothers are sisters, his mother had more serious psychological problems than mine, or it was more visible I should say. for a few seconds, I questioned myself. then I stopped and think "hey, I know the facts very well, it was me who experienced those facts, not him." What is his problem? he even told me that my mom told him that my father would like a boy like him.... I never felt accepted from my dad. and my mom told me at 7 when they were separated, that my dad try to kill him self the day I was born... they got together again sometime after that. and so much more stuff, but... why my cousin tells me this and then, oh! your parents are not bad people... oh! yes, they didn't burn my hand on the oven, or something physical... I saw a therapist who helped me a lot. She never juge me. She told me that I need to respect my self first, they never will it seems.

Thank you, it`s truly invisible wound and a taby-topic in many ways in our society. What I resent in your video is that the first healing exercise you suggest is - what I am grateful for, what good did I get from my mom. Even though you mentioned that you do not personally identify as having a mother wound... I was prohibited for criticizing my mom in a slightest way for decades, by her, other relatives and society in general... And when the first thing you say I should do is to be grateful it`s really triggering

I had a close relationship with my mother until she died in 1981, but I never felt like she understood me. I felt she was always taking my brothers side when we were children. I had a strong personality, and I don't think she knew how to discipline me. I felt that she was unfair and I think some of that behavior was me looking for attention from her and protesting her partiality toward my brother. When I was about 7 or 8 she told me one day when she was upset with me that she loved me but sometimes she didn't like me. That was the mother wound for me. If she would have said I don't like how you are behaving I don't think it would have hurt so much. I went through my whole life feeling like she did not like me. It became a deep hurt and I did not realize it until a few months before she died. God allowed that memory to come to my attention and I still have to deal with that. I made a choice to forgive her but I will tell you I still feel that hurt when I remember that day. I often feel misunderstood by others. I don't know if that will ever go away. I am tearing up right now as I am telling this story.

I absolutely love your videos. I feel that you are describing what I have been feeling for so long but I am unable to express or explain. thank you for everything you do! Je t'adore ❤🙏

Yeah something huge way off!

I cut ties with my parents and they are traumatized people with low emotional intelligence and failed as parents. I learned about inter generational trauma, scapegoating abuse, family system abuse and trauma, emotional neglect and emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Also parents who are psychic/emotional vampires and I finally understood what happened to me. I’m healing and in recovery and I’m glad I’m free and learning about the mother wound. I learned about attachment trauma and I never bonded to my mother as an infant and the pain is starting to make sense. You also need to look at the abandonment and rejection wounds and the pattern being played out.

My relationship with my mom is hideous. I just went no contact. It’s a to challenge to face every single day!

I’ve done this journaling practice and it is so helpful!

You just described me. Thank you for sharing this invaluable information with us. ❤

I had a brilliant mom who was honest, kind and gentle. But was also distant, cold and seldom acknowledged my existence. I don't hear much about this type of mom.

Isn't imposter syndrome in father wound, as you said in father wound video? I'm not confused if it's father wound or mother wound that i have imposter syndrome

my mother was extremely emotional and physically abusive how to heal?

😢

I started bawling about halfway through the video... I knew my relationship with my mother was messed up, but this video helped me realize that, even though I haven't talked to her in over a year, I'm still hurting. I'm the 2nd oldest of 7, and I was the accidental pregnancy that got my parents to marry each other. Growing up, my mother seemed to resent me simply for existing, and she was always treating me differently from my sisters, even my older sister. My dad always claimed that it was because I was "too much like her" that she just couldn't stand me, but everyone else in the family had no idea. Even my grandparents on my dad's side, who constantly took me to their house to give me a break from my mother during school breaks, had no idea what her problem was, but they were the only ones who at least had an idea as to how bad things were at home. By the time I was 16, I ended up with an ED, and I was fighting tooth and nail to not only get a job but to not graduate a semester early because I didn't want to spend the 8 months between 1st semester senior year to my 18th birthday being at my mother's mercy. I was 24 when my grandfather on my mother's side died alone in hospice, and I finally snapped and went NC with my mother due to her blaming me for years for him being alienated from the family when it was her fault, but, like an idiot, I spent 11 years believing her. When 2020 hit, she threatened me when my older sister told her I thought I might be pregnant, and I had a miscarriage due to the stress. That same year, I ended up with COVID, and I called my mother simply because I was scared and wanted to be told everything was okay, but she told me that I had better have my life insurance policy up to date and hung up. To this day, I still struggle with my reputation despite spending my entire childhood being bullied not just by my mother, but by my classmates and coworkers, simply because my mother was so obsessed with her reputation and, as a result, mine that she would punish me for "attempting to ruin her reputation" or "trying to turn people against her." Thankfully, my mother-in-law has stepped up since we met, and she has deemed herself my "mom." She's defended me from my other in-laws, helped my husband and I get out of horrible financial situations, and, when I was sick with COVID, she stepped up and came over to take care of me until I was better. She's been there for me through all my miscarriages, and even helped me patch up some relationships with my extended family that my mother tried to destroy. This all just scratches the surface, but, ever since my grandfather died, and I went NC, I thought I had come to terms with everything that happened, but this video made me realize that I'm nowhere near healed from everything my mother put me through over the years.

I literally have tears in my eyes bcz I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Everything you said has hit home. I’ve had trouble with imposter syndrome and being seen. I always felt like I had to be perfect and with creating my own course I always am focusing on the 15-20% that went wrong. Creating I think self sabotage in who I want to be in this world. Wowwwwww I felt so alone bcz I didn’t truly understand the depths of a “mother wound”. Ty for creating this video ❤

Brilliant video, well done, and a huge thank you. All bells rang for me, and your process is actually what worked for me. I somehow I learned to be thankful for what I did learn and gain from my mom, as you say - and I used my drive for perfectionism to develop these gifts to a very high level, leading to my career :) I am far less of a perfectionist now, and in times of feeling traumatized, I feel the fear but then focus again on the gifts. This is so important to us to acknowledge our love, the love we wanted to share, and to find some peace and connection to the world through these gifts. Fortunately, your third journaling topic is where I excell, having found so many joys in life. I think and feel that I've become my own good parent. Mostly. There seems to be lingering hardwiring that crops up, but I am aware of it and now have ways to address it, usually - some deeply ingrained nerve development response to trauma, neglect, being a latchkey kid adultified far too soon. Your journaling process is wonderful, what I stumbled on myself after my mom died, but I wish you had been around many years ago as I probably would have healed much faster with your insights and compassion. Thank you!

Hi I’m Emilia and I hope your doing well xxx I’m here to reprogram my mind and my Uber mother towards myself

your words are soooooo soothing xox its like I drop into this relaxed state of feeling okay with myself...its so sweet, there is no pressure to be .. just receive

My mother is very resilient and has a very good work ethics

My mom was very physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. I know she also did not receive a good childhood because her mom was an heroine addict and overdosed when my mom was 13. But the pain and trauma that all of that has caused me has been very painful, difficult and devastating. I have been mourning the love, support and care that I didn’t receive for many years now. I’m still on my healing journey and it definitely is an invisible scar/wound. That others try to understand, but can’t fully comprehend because they did not experience the trauma theirselves. Thank you so much for this content. ❤️

Your videos are so helpful. My whole life all I heard was “Your parents are so lovely.” No one had any idea what was going on behind closed doors. It took half my life to see the reality of the neglect and the emotional and verbal abuse and how it impacted me. I still often forget and get pulled back into it spirals of shame and self-hatred and have to keep reminding myself that I’m not that little boy anymore. I’m allowed to feel my feelings. I’m allowed to be angry. If I don’t let myself be angry at them then I get angry at myself, so I have to direct it outward and know this is part of the process of moving through it. I’ve cut off ties with my family for this reason, so I can give myself the space to keep going through it without being told to “just get over it.” ❤🙏🦋

Hi dear I m dujah

Gawd yes

The mother wound is profound in that it can affect all aspects of life, but fortunately it's not insurmountable with time and commitment to healing. I have been no-contact for years from my entire family. I have undergone several types of therapy and several therapists throughout my life. I'm now considering trying IFS as a modality. My mom has strengths and I see those alongside her struggles. She has her own unresolved mother wound.

thank you for this video 🩵

I’m going to start this last part of reparenting to journaling to heal the wounds. I’ve been on this journey for a long time. As a 63 year old I’ve tried letting go and lovingly giving myself the compassion to live on my own terms. I am worthy and so grateful for the tools to make what is left of my life to truly be free. Thank you Teri. I’d love that, hopefully have the funds. 🤍🌌🕊️🕯️