The Two Things That Deeply Psychologically Change a Person - Analysis by a Former Therapist 

Absolutely, in my case it was working outdoors (landscaping/gardening) with likeminded, positive and funny people. 4 years and i have become more stronger and calmer.

Now you owe us a location where you've found those people.

@@name5876 I married a supportive wife, raised our son to be a good little kid, chose an office with laid-back colleagues to work with (small team), and have no friends or family members who I ever speak to except for one who doesn't live in the country, and for me, that works out pretty well.

​@Skye M I found this positive environment in intellectual spaces. Particularly in "fireside gatherings" with members of the Baha'í Faith. I think organized spaces that facilitate open and free discussions on deep topics (regardless of whether they are spiritual or not) is a good place to start and maybe even stay. I have built the strongest and most meaningful friendships of my entire life in spaces like this. Be aware that broken people exist everywhere. It's resilliant/ self- aware people that you must be able to identify and get close to in these, and in every space.

That sounds amazing

Even regular old parents do this. They think they are helping us by teaching us to conform to society's expectations (and also selfishly doing this to avoid embarrassment.) They think they need to train us and guide us to do what they have been taught to do, often with good intentions. All the while, what they are really communicating is that we are unacceptable as we are and must do what insist in order to get approval. We must choose between being authentic or being accepted, and we all choose the latter because we must when we are still so dependent on adults for survival.

The more difficult truth is they often arent narcissists. the more difficult truth is they FULLY believe they are doing the right thing, that they're doing whats best for the child. Thats the hard part to come to terms with. This is my life. I have no scape goat. No villain. No one to blame directly. Because they are ignorant of wrongdoing

@@phillystevesteak6982 They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

@@benjamin4930 exactly. ignorance is bliss - FOR the offender. But can be hell for the offended

Holy shit how did a comment made a day ago get 137 likes? Is Daniel blowing up??

Wow that sucks. I'm like this to at 28 just hate myself so much because I too wasn't allowed to be my true self.

I’m so sorry you went thru this and totally resonate the inability to socialize and be normal.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wish you a happy and contented life from now on ❤

I'm 31 and have a very similar story. No friends, no wife or gf, just a couple family members. God bless you, you're not alone.

@@filippians413 I don’t feel alone but with people like you responding, it makes me think there are good people after all. Thank you and you have a good life. We all can heal.

Rip

What does that mean for you

​@@Kinobambino this song is actually about this guy's strained relationship with his parents. So, this verse probably refers to the toxic, unsupportive environment, he grew up in.

Rest in peace

I’ve never heard that quote before but I love it

It's even worse when you marry someone just like that parent because you don't know better but that's the only dynamic you know how to function in.

@@patriciasalem3606 Really sorry to hear that but understandable. I hope you can move away from any negativity and toward only good things. x

@@ladybirdtravels Thank you. Peace to you too.

It's even worse when it's both parents and they worked as a team

@@lockandloadlikehell I'm so lucky that my late father tried his best to make up for my mother's narcissism, even when he himself came from a terribly traumatic childhood. Everything good in my early years is because of him.

Oh my. My deepest condolences for what happened to you and your family. You are very strong to have changed things for yourself and those around you. I strongly believe we can change with courage, therapy, awakening, and much more. I’m doing all I can to get rid of past trauma for the benefit of my grandchildren. Children so deserve it, and you so deserve a good life. Kudos to you. ❤️‍🩹

Its fairly easy when you acknowledge Gods Grace and think like Christ and do your absolute best to act in that manner❤✝️

@@saysHotdogs You're in the wrong place to judge buddy. This man did better than most could've and aknowledged his mistakes. I think now he knows well enough how his kids must've felt and that better than any of us. Props to you Mayor, glad you changed for the best!

@@saysHotdogs Don’t do that. This person is in the process and learning and being vulnerable here and you are resorting to your own trauma and shaming him. Don’t do that.

Thank you so much!! You’re extremely strong!

Same.

Keep on going, you're not alone!

The vast majority of people are like this. They think they are staying youthful, but in reality, they are stuck at around the age they were traumatized.

I thought I had worked on those issues already, but it is like peeling an onion. Very slowly. I am almost forty and still get surprised to learn new things about me or about the world. And every time, it feels exactly the way you described.

HealthyGamers, while being clickbaity, have good content on this as well

Im at this season in life, of transformation by loving myself, and suddenly, all the anxious attachments I had with everyone are disappearing. It's amazing. Along with finding God as a source of love, my validation and worth are coming from him, and I'm so different now, I don't need to cling onto people so desperately..

Thank you so much for sharing! This makes everything a lot easier and lighter!

Usually happens around 30s

This is the best comment. ❤❤❤

💯💯

I wouldn't say some parents...I would say most parents.

Yeah i understand that girl and i'll never be a zombie and you shouldnt either!

Happened to me too 😢

@@thecheekyambipom5730 absolutely girl! Sending u good vibes 😊

I agree. Really very acurate. Enough is emough. I wish no child had to undergo this anymore.

I lived through it and can describe it as the only "real" Hell on Earth.

@@violetastoykova-jakobson9278 _"Hell is other people"_ -Jean Paul Sartre

Sadly religion, bullying and absent parents do this.

My entire childhood. Had to hide my hobbies, lest I been enjoying myself instead of working or being repentant of my sins.

Mine did...shut me up, not allowed to "create"... makes a mess...

Thanks for sharing. The essence of your story touched me and brought me to tears. Glad to know you’ve been doing well since.

@@erigerontriteleia 🙏

That made me cry. I kinda see myself from time to time as a child and a young woman and wished I could have been there to mentor her. I do it more so now that life has brought me more understanding of the abuse of power used against me. Esp extreme mental cruelty. Thank you for sharing.

💚

Wow, I really liked your story! That is a great and actionable advice, and gave me goosebumps picturing that for myself. Our younger selves shape our adult internal view so drastically and dramatically, and to undo it often requires direct action like this. 👍

😂😂😂

😂😂😂

At 38 I met a woman who had written a book about how her childhood memories were healed through theophostic prayer. I went to her and asked her to pray me through my memories of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father. She met with me over a period of weeks and we went into one memory at a time...when the particular chosen memory of the day was focused upon in my mind, we went to prayer and asked Christ to come into the scene and "change it" (actually in this type of prayer we're praying for a vision of "truth" of where the Spirit of God is in this traumatic event) and Jesus came into the scene and picked my little girl self up and held me and shoo'ed my dad out of the room, held me and assured me he was there, he had me, my dad was his problem and not mine and he'd deal with him later, etc. That comforting change of scenes of my memory may seem completely false to someone who doesn't believe in Jesus' divinity, so of course it wouldn't probably work for everyone. But if you are a believer I encourage you to seek out someone to help you pray through your childhood memories of abuse...that is if you'd like to be a better functioning adult! If you're a happy child, well, ok! But I needed to start adulting and it didn't really start happening for me until age 38 when I could finally see my dad as just a sad, pathetic human guy with issues of his own that didn't affect me any more. I was able to let it all go and just unemotionally treat him with the same kindness I would show a bum on the street. Very freeing.

@@kmsongbird Prayer is just another repression mechanism. You need to fully grieve and feel the pain. Prayer and belief in jesus just function as a drug and keeps you from actually healing.

I’m really so happy you’re finally exploring your true self. And I genuinely feel for you and understand you. Peace love and health to you 💗💗💗💗 I love you

@@anthonyiacobucci3652 Oh I grieved for 18 years prior to this, 18 years of wanting to forgive him but not being able to. I felt that pain, too. It was time to stop. You call it repression mechanism. I call it being done being a child and starting to grow up. Belief in Jesus may be a drug to some but it is life to me and I wouldn't trade the experience of this drug for anything in the world.

@@kmsongbird thats sounds very constructive

I Just wanna send you good vibes!

Linda, sending you love and light.

I understand. Better to break one's bread in peace.

Linda, I relate fully with what you’ve said.

I'm sorry I am 41 and went through a si.ilar journey recently. I am writing a book.

🙏I am so deeply sorry for your suffering. Jesus said there is going to be a resurrection. The True God will end all suffering, pain and tears at his appointed time. Revelation 21:3-4

I'm so sorry 😞 I lost my first daughter when she was a week old over 30 years ago. Sending you love and healing ❤️ 💕

Loss of your child changes your very DNA, or it sure feels like it!

sorry❤

I’m so sorry for your loss. I never had my own children but I was very happy to be an aunt but I lost my 22 year old nephew in 2022 and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, I accepted I will never recover and I feel like I’m just trying to cope. It’s the most painful thing to experience and some days it’s almost unbearable. Some people just have no comprehension and seem to expect me to just get over it meanwhile I’m drowning in grief.

I feel you

Keep going take it one day at a time

It’s not over till it’s over bud, don’t beat yourself up too much. Christ bless you.

repeat after me: Perfectly Flawed.....still i rise.

He is so lucky to have come across you and your family. Thank you for rescuing this lovely doggy

A GSD has more capacity to love and snuggle and goof and play,....and _still_ be ready to *work hard* at the drop of a hat. Awesome that you rescued him.

you did a good deed.. so many animals are suffering... the world ignores their plight and how their numbers are alarmingly reducing ... it is a very upsetting situation we have brought upon ourselves... may God save us.

Thank you for mentioning animals. I’m a pet sitter, and I see dogs and cats go through this process- usually takes a few months to about a year.😊

Good job, lucky dog and lucky you to have him

That shit happened to me because od my lisp. I would change my vocabulary just to avoid sounding out the th and s sounds, and of course sometimes it was unavoidable. It hurt when people made fun of my lisp.

I feel so trapped like I can never express myself truly around a lot of my friends and I think this has a lot to do with it

I feel the same. I am not religious but for me, a happy natural laugh is something sacred. We are so small and vulnerable in this world, and still sometimes we laugh, happily like there are no worries at all. To make fun of or mock those moments is like striking a dagger straight in other persons heart. It really hurts me every time somebody does that to another person.

@@chriscams9303 aww I feel you! Igave myself speech therapy to get rid of the dreaded lisp around 6th grade (forCee mySelf to match my teeth up for SSSSSS. unnatural feeling lol) Still lisp if I'm stoned lol get too relaxed and become normal again.

@@churnetvalleyrunner3635 I watch my brother do the same thing to his girl everyday literally call the baby mother a nut Infront or the kids

You rock! ☺️

I’m beyond words. Thank you for sharing🙏🏽❤️

😢

Lol! I love the end. You’re pretty bad ass. You’re not a survivor -you’re a Viking!

My god thats horrible. I’m glad you’re in a better place now and hope you find/found your peace.

Yes! For too long I “waited” for the apologies, the acknowledgment of their mistakes. How dumb is that?! Never going to happen. I’m now learning to think/feel as if I am extinguishing the power of those emotions and memories that live inside of me. I want to be free and joyful. In order to do that I have to make room for these new feelings. Does that make any sense at all 🤪

@@cynthiaopsahl3422 Two things I’d say: firstly, it’s definitely not “dumb” that one would deeply want that those who have wronged you to acknowledge and apologize for what they had done, regardless of how possible that is, that’s a very reasonable emotional desire, one which is actually very painful and hard to come to terms with. If you think about it for a second, the notion that such feelings are dumb is probably sourced from conditioning you got that unconsciously convinced you that you cannot afford to legitimately feel your feelings. Emotions, by their nature, either have to be dealt with at their core, or will continue to live in your subconscious or conscious mind and influence you, so dealing with them is necessary to heal. The fact that various people in your life have wronged you and will never do you any better is one of the things you will have to deeply grieve as you try and learn how to heal, and it will probably be a very difficult and involved thing. Secondly, I would caution you on trying to “extinguish the power” of your feelings as your only solution, and if I interpret you right it seems like a largely combative attitude to changing your internal state. This is often necessary to a degree unfortunately, often times we are simply not ready yet to really feel and work directly with our deep wounds, but to truly heal, that is the ultimate necessary process. It would be hard to say how ready or not ready for that you are being that I don’t really know you, but that is something you will need to figure out on your path. One of the most hugely powerful things with me has been talking to a family member who’s both a really good listener and who’s life experience and perspective I really respect and find valuable. If you have any friends or family members like that you can talk to, it’s just amazing what it can do for you. I think there are also a whole bunch support groups that exist, I haven’t looked into it personally but that probably serves a lot of similar functions. Lastly I would say the other major thing that’s been massively helpful for me has been a regular spiritual practice. Personally I am really a fan of this guy “Sadhguru”, maybe you’ve seen him floating around RU-vid recommendations. Ironically his approach to emotions is highly dismissive and that’s like my least favorite thing about him, but the practices he offers (Shambhavi, a meditation technique, his various Hatha Yoga things) have been really fanstastic for me, I do two of them daily, roughly the meditation thing and a yoga posture practice, and I really think they are exceptionally powerful as far as any meditation things I’ve tried. Unfortunately each one is relatively expensive as they have to train teachers really thoroughly to be able to teach the practices, and for some you can only learn them directly from a teacher (they have a page of trained teachers and their locations around the world) but you can tell theirs a certain level of sophistication and depth to what you’re learning which is hard to find for free or like say online. If you don’t jive with that or don’t want to go that far yet or anything like that, I would still say though, take up some yogic practice, maybe just look around online for something that feels like it would help, Aum chanting is great, some pranayama or breathing techniques are great, I’d be careful about ‘mindfulness meditation’ as for people with a lot of emotional trauma or wounds, the fact that you’re just letting your mind run makes it so that it can make you become more conscious of a lot of stuff faster than you’re ready and it can actually be very harmful, but whatever you do, pick something, anything like this and practice it daily. Even if it’s just 5 minutes start there. In a few months you’ll be so glad you did, You won’t notice the positive changes it’s having on your till a while in, but when you do, it’s really something remarkable.

I was aware of my losses. In terms of relationships , self development , progress in life. But I actually grieve now. I cry everyday over some memory. Narcissist step mother who controlled me , narcissist husband for whom I was a slave and giving me a loveless marriage. I’m 60, going through a divorce , wondering if I’ll ever know who I really am.

@@katyflame3668 I’m so sorry for everything that happened to you. If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer a bit of advice. Besides everything Daniel talked and talks about in this video (he’s got plenty of other fantastic stuff that’s worth watching) and doing things like talking to a good listening friend, if you’re lucky enough to have one, these being things which directly work with your thought and emotions, I’ve found personally that some sort of spiritual practice it’s highly beneficial. It’s not a substitute for the emotional and mental work, it’s kind of felt like some sort of a force which generally revitalizes me and makes me feel more alive, strong, and capable of doing whatever it is I need to, including dealing with emotions. You totally don’t have to go this specific route, but I’m a big fan of the practice offerings of this figure “Sadhguru”. Ironically his approach to emotions is very flippant, which is my least favorite thing about him, but if you get past that a lot of what he has to say is very valuble, but more importantly he offers some really fantastic yoga/meditation practices he offers. Unfortunately they all both cost a good bit of money, like $300 I think, and a bit of time investment to learn and do some the practices, their most common one takes about 21 or 40 minutes once or twice a day depending on if you include some preparatory things in your practice. But when you learn them it’s obvious theirs a certain level of sophistication and depth to the practice you are learning which you might be hard pressed to doing elsewhere, especially free, and I’ve found the two practices I’ve been doing are having more of a tangible positive effect and faster than anything else I’ve done, it’s been very amazing to watch, it’s been essential in some of the recent things I’ve been dealing with. If you’re not about that, it’s worthwhile to do your own personal explorations of this stuff, it’s actually called yoga, before yoga got kind of distorted in the west: pranayama, meditation techniques, mantras, etc. Aum chanting is a fantastic one, just opening your mouth into an “Ah”, closing it slowly through “oo” to “m”, with the three portions approximately equal. But the most important thing is choose something and do it daily, if that means starting with 5 minutes a day that’s totally fine, ideally build up from there. You some months in the future will be so glad you did, trust me. I really think we should be teaching yoga and meditation techniques to our populace in school, it’s such valuble and powerful stuff yet totally underappreciated and underutilized in our society. The only thing I’d caution against is mindfulness, as it’s basically a practice where you’re supposed to increase your general mental awareness and let your mind run free for some time and that can often be problematic for people with lots of trauma.

@@cynthiaopsahl3422 makes perfect sense and I can relate so hard! well said! more power to use this year onwards :')

aah no wonder i can only see clearly n stand up for myself when at the tipping point but unfortunately my rage leaves with me guilt and dismantling of whatever boundaries i had to even begin with.

Been traumatized be it sexual abuse as a child. then again as an. Adult , partner physical abuse me in a relationship in my early 20s. And I then a catastrophic betrayal in my last relationship I'm surprised I'm even alive. I'm inately strong mentally but at those time psychologically weak. And still to this day in failure to recognize people who really want to do me harm. That is a he most worrisome, going on 13 yrs marriage but the life before holy sh... When people ask me how do you do it. I say well just look at the moon 🌙 and how battered and bruised it was is and yet we still seek it at darkest of nights to learn that our paths. Among other things. ❤ I'm still rebuilding and now dealing with a narcissistic coworker I can't get away from.

Just wanted to quoat that...

But i get called an incel when i get angry because i cant get a gf. So you being a woman dont allow men to be raged !

​@mcpartridgeboy I hear you, brother. However, you don't know anything about this particular individual. You are making baseless assertions because of your anger. She may or may not he the type of person you describe, but "be angry and do not sin" applies here.

🤯😣

Yep

I feel this to be true

golden comment

Well spoken!

Blessings for you on the rest of your life journey

Your 70s? You too, huh? (Well, my late 60s.) Most of my problems came from so-called "friends." I walked away from the whole world (except for family). I no longer have any "friends", and I DON'T WANT any.

You had to be a 'dove' because god forbid you were who you really were to your parents.

Thank you for sharing. I am 50 and just starting this journey. Wasn’t sure if it was too late for me. I needed your comment! ❤

@@willrivers1819Because it is in person’s DNA 🧬. Narcissistic personality is never going to leave Humanity. The good news is that now you don’t have to wait until you’re 70 to recognize it when you see it or are its victim. You can understand earlier that the “problem” is not you necessarily. It doesn’t solve the problem but at least you know what “hit you”.

Holy shit, I realte to EVERY word you said. Crazy

I’m ditching a brother of mine too.

So very sorry. But understand completely. I have shunned all my family and so called friends. Friends were as srlf centered and selfish as the family. All used me and when I said enough to all of em, THEY ALL GOT MAD AND CALLED ME OUT OF CONTROL CAUSE THEY COULD NOT LIE OR MANIPULATE ME ANYMORE. ...... 🙏

@@spookems8 good job

Respect for you keep going

Proud of you. Wishing you the very best❤❤❤

I understand. Unfortunately, I do.

Same but with my dad only.

@@Travis_Trauma with my brother only whom i sadly live with in the same house

Traumatized probably isn’t the best but not trying to remove every situation where your child might be stressed or pushed to a limit has benefits so they know the feeling and how to use the tools they’ve developed to navigate to a better situation is beneficial, to me.

@@boonedocksfl2012 I think they’re talking about when the parent is just a straight up piece of shit.

Have 20 kids in my neighborhood. Lost them all to the drug dealer pimp. 9 year Olds talking about sex. Split personality. One for the parents. One for the streets. Sad. Not one parent wanted to say anything because of retaliation. It broke my heart. Broke the kids mind. 😢

Not always so, the ones that let you go love you more than themselves. They set you free

100% agreed. Same.

Same

Yeah the Nevada state is awful

Truly

Just because he has a million views doesn't mean he's helped a million people. Just because someone watches a video doesn't mean they agree with it. Lying to someone, even to make them feel better or good, is still unhealthy and manipulative.

I did. My step father beat me mercilessly. Today, he would have been arrested. In the 1960s, nope. I never hit my children. I never brow beat them or verbally abused them . I remembered how it felt. I loved my children. Love does not abuse...in any way. My children are grown now. They are wonderful people. They had the freedom to choose to be themselves without the terror I grew up with. I broke that mold in our family

@@SteveAubrey1762 You're incredibly strong, kudos!

People must see it before they can break it!!! Don’t we all feel our family was the norm? 🤦‍♀️😂 I did!

@@SteveAubrey1762 you are commendable my friend, really well done and enjoy your crops

I like the new Daniel, thanks!

Exactly. I clearly recall as a kid growing up my mother being quite nice and buying us wonderful toys and clothes after she beat us into a trans like, submissive state and after a while I guess we'd begin to wake into a natural child like state again, the cycle would repeat it, until as we become teenagers we stayed in those states for longer to avoid contact with her as humanly possible. I continue that zombie state around her now but I have much clearer boundaries. I was in my 20 yr marriage as well. It was always his way or the highway sort of mentality.

Even in households without narcissism, most parents love easy parenting, meaning - less work for them but at the expense of the childs needs. Sure those parents take care of the bare minimum, the housing and food but emotional and mental well being, the quality time? Too tired, too busy, here's an iPad, here's a video game, here's a pizza, here's a movie, sign you up for another after school class? Basically anything other then the actual parents spending time helping their child emotionally and mentally develop over the years.

Julian I Oh yes, I’ve been using his fortress mental health system and it’s been working great 😉

@@Sketch_Sesh great! :D same

Julian I Awesome my friend 👍

Narc some day your victim may be stalking your sorry ****. Not all gets forgiven, some should not get in my sight. They may get the bad reaction they deserve. Especially if you act like my 6th grade teacher you will lose.

Yeah and it only takes a real experience to do that, not any psychological degree.

That's the healthy way. But as most people age they keep them repressed, drink them away, or take them out on their kids and pass on the abuse.

100% the human mind is incredible. It will keep the trauma unconscious as a survival mechanism. As a young child you must see your parents as perfect and right because you rely on them for survival. The child will see everything as their fault so as to create a sense of being in control. "If only I was like x, then that wouldn't have happened", "I deserve it, "I'm broken" etc. Of course once we are an adult and can care for ourselves, those memories and introjects (internalized voice of the abuser) will break through into our subconscious and conscious minds. MDMA is an incredible tool for this process because it allows memories and feelings to arise from the unconscious but in a way that can be physically processed in the body.

Beautifully said

@@anthonyiacobucci3652 That or break down / burn out when all of it becomes too much to handle

​@@chengiggler Loved everything you said UNTIL you mentioned mdma 😬 People have died from that

Agree. They have been 'character building' experiences.

Good points.

damn, you got hella good writing :o and that's a crazy niche point you brought up that got me wondering, how tf did they think of that?

Never heard these concepts be articulated so well, nice job

I agree

It also implies that it is someting you can easely unlearn. The idea is that if you can understand that your behavior follows a pattern of learned helplessness, that that insight should immediately dissolve the negative pattern by recognizing it as such. And that is simply not realistic. It is also not enough to simply destroy negative behavioral pattern you also need to replace them with positive and or socially accepted patterns. And for that you are also dependant on a certain kind of useful feedback from people. the way that society works that not gonna happen usually because society is competition for a limited amount of good spaces. a sort of perpetual war of all against all. so if people see you as a potential rival and see some kind of weakness they will go for the kill and make a good efford to get any notions of ideas above your standing out of your head whenever they get the chance.

Good idea your right

Most would say that about the majority. Ironic.

​@@musicandlaughter_ it's true that the majority can never do sh*t so I have to agree with the first statement

not can't but rather won't - why? because it takes effort, it takes work, it's inconvenient, it's not fun, it's not glamorous and so on

God loves u bro read about the life of Jesus in the Bible

I’m grateful you’re here. ❤

hello, I am deeply touched by how deeply you have suffered and your resilience gave me an awe, i don't know what kind of encouragement or any words that i could give to you, because no one knows what it takes to be you, one thing for sure, thank you for being alive, till this day, honestly, thank you for everything that you have been through, for not ending it all, that's it, that's all I wanna say, i hope you can heal from things that you don't talk about, and i hope you slept well every night dear stranger! i know you're tired of hearing "you're strong" so how about Thank you for enduring such pain! for being strong❤

​​@@blushbb. Could you please explain what steps you ve taken.

Glad to hear!

Yep, me too!

@@andrewhaywood3853 ditto

Are you still in that marriage?

I’ve gotten away from mine fairly quickly though.

WoW....I am so sorry. I hope you are getting yourself where you want to be mentally and emotionally. You've endured A LOT!!!

Damn it only took you 2 years? I'm 5 years in and I actually feel like I've gone backwards lol

Victimhood is using your grievance as a status display in order to get something from others - meaning that you are more entitled, from a moralistic view point. Victim mentality on the other hand is a hindrance for your own growth - and that includes not being able to grieve... Grievance has absolutely nothing to do with victimhood or victim mentality. Grievance is part of what makes us humans - and it is something personal - not something I can tell you what you should or shouldn't grieve over... If you're unsure who you are, I'm pretty sure you're the one in defiance to whatever your therapists have told you. Doubting yourself in this, I think is a survival mechanic. Survival mechanics are good when they help you survive, but it seems this is not working for you at the moment. In this case, do you need to respect your elders (authority) - or do you need help? You might need to respect authority in order to get help, but that is secondary, isn't it? Authority does not know your needs or how you feel... To be honest, I bet your therapists are eager to get home and watch Game of Thrones. Before, people became therapists to help people out of necessity, because they felt bad for other people - today many become therapists because they find psychology interesting, so they will become an interesting person to others by becoming a psychologist...

Have therapy or do meditation, you will find ur real self, Hypnotherapy also helps alot

​@@steffenirgens7022 Are you European? Is English a second language for you? I ask because you seem to think "grieving" means or is equivalent to "grievance". But the latter word is all together different from the former. Your use of grievance is illogical and wholly unrelated to the topic of victim/victimstance/victimhood. @craig Your "therapists" have done a huge disservice to you -- unless their premise acknowledges the critical necessity to grieve from trauma or LOSS, and they have supported you throughout the process of grieving, but have made their statement, _"grieving over my trauma is taking a victimstance"_ , moreso to be related to the duration of time (highly variable!) it takes to fully process through the stages?? If they are shaming you about the very process of grieving from trauma or loss, you might be better served by Group Therapy -- where you would encounter many people (group members) who would relate so specifically to your situation and support you. The wisdom that comes from well-run Group Therapy often surpasses that of the Leader or Facilitator. I am sorry you are still highly activated by what happened 50 years ago. But perhaps your therapists have failed to provide you more effective tools and a pathway to fully and properly grieve that trauma. You might try looking elsewhere for more empathetic counselors or a different methodological approach. Some people have had remarkable and profound success from the use of EMDR desensitization processing *. (*) NOTE: _I am not a medical or behavioral health doctor so do not rely upon my experiences written here. Consult a licensed Doctor_ . _EMDR is a very disputed tool, some people praise it, others dismiss it as some therapeutic snake oil. Personally, it was very effective for me working with a highly qualified therapist 4 decades ago, after I'd experienced an onboard tragic airplane accident. After about 6 weeks of desensitization processing with my therapist, every memory, sensory detail, every association with the event was effectively purged from my brain, to this day never being triggered or played back by my brain_ .

❤😢 God bless u...

Im sure you do help a lot :) its nice to read you, thanks for sharing

You just explained my childhood & early twenties. Then I had two daughters with a narcissist that punished me by withholding money and emotional & physical affection. I left him when my youngest daughter was a week from turning 2. My oldest daughter at right before age 5. That's when the Parental Alienation & psychological abuse REALLY began!! You can never discard a narcissist and not get hurt terribly. They'll use your kids (THEIR KIDS) as collateral damage bc that's THE ONLY thing left that will really kill you. My daughters are grown now and they're damaged & I can't help but blame myself. Maybe if I had stayed, I could've saved my girls from trauma from being away from me bc he was awarded joint custody bc he came from a family of means. It's been an awful 17 1/2 years to say the least. 😢 I'm finally in a very healthy, loving relationship with a wonderful man that came from an abuser be home and then married a narcissist himself bc she got pregnant on purpose. She discarded him two and a half years ago and their one child has no contact with her Mom bc she cheated, as most narcissists do. I just got back into Trauma & Grief therapy and support groups bc I realize I'm broken. Progress not Perfection.

​@@gypsyfiresign1064 same here! Almost identical. Guys we are not THAT alone ❤️

Be very careful, let yourself heal. You will know when this is complete. You will know because you remember who you are. Then you may help others if you wish.

Same and I’m 29. Whenever I see my narcissistic dad it’s “what job are you in now, oh, you’ve not been promoted?” Rather than “are you happy?, how are you?, I care about your creativity”

same and im 19. My mom was the narcissist, she used to tell me i would never amount to anything and she told me she signed me up for low income housing when i got older

Coming from a verbally abusive alcoholic family, I couldn't be myself ever. I took this into abusive adult relationships and felt continually beat down for being myself. Eventually I put up a huge wall to keep people out. I was then accused of being arrogant and unapproachable..

Same happened to me, I’m changing it through god though. ❤️✝️

Bullying is disgusting. I can't get over the fact that some people, instead of working on themselves, thinking their thoughts through, reflecting, just make someone even more vulnerable their punching bag. Recovering from bullying and other types of verbal abuse is difficult, but i have faith in you. You're already doing so much to improve yourself, to make yourself a better person. You can do this. If the words of this random stranger mean anything to you. I wish you success with your recovery, and to be surrounded by kind and caring people

Let a new you shine

Same here. She said, "You know, I'm sorry as I can be." She's only sorry that I grew up into someone who isn't a helpless defenseless child that she can manipulate and abuse.

Same. My dad would ask why I wasn’t the adoring, happy child I used to be. Uh maybe bc your anger was the flip of a switch and I never knew which side of you I’d get

Amen. 🙏🏼♥️🕊Trauma since 6 years old. I’ve become resilient and cut people from my life, but I’m still fighting to get ‘me’ back.

I never cried when my mother died... eventually I realized she meant little to me. She always wished that I had never been born, cautioned me to NEVER have kids (which I didn't), and while she was able to financially, she never gave me even the most basic things I begged her for... so how could I grieve her when she died? She failed at every single opportunity to show me any semblance of love from age 5 to age 40. Still... I was very surprised that when she died, for days, and then months, and as years passed, I never shed one single tear but always hoped it would one day come. And of course, I've always been envious of people who grieve and mourn the death of their mothers or fathers. I would never know what that felt like. You can't mourn the loss of a love that never was. I was always left alone while they were getting drunk at the bar every night. All we had was an empty house in a pre-EPA LA suburb where my lungs ached and my eyes bled from the pollution... we just had a TV set with 5 channels... anything I loved she got rid of... the piano, books, records, pets... etc. She never asked how I was, what I was studying in school... she always mocked my good grades, laughed hysterically when I told her I wanted to be a doctor... etc... she could have written a book called "How to Destroy your Child." I tried suicide twice but it didn't work. Who could cry when someone like that dies?

​@@kinky_Z I indeed believe that you can mourn love that never happened, because everybody - no matter who, needs love to develop and function properly. I myself regard this situation of recovering from lack of parental care as mourning for them (or rather their role which they didn't fulfill) and burying them while they still are alive. They never fulfilled their role, so why to cry after their death when they already aren't doing their job? I don't mean to blame them for everything - I figured out reasons why my parents are like this but I also believe that these reasons don't relieve them from their responsibilities. I hope my comment will somehow be useful for you, though it may sound a bit chaotic - english isn't my first language ;) Take care!

the real explanation is neurotypicals' weakness for psychopaths. they love playing games and then are played by the devil

@@TheFpskiller That too.

@@guesswhosbackg6616 And their parents that raised them and so on and so on and so on.

​@@guesswhosbackg6616 unfortunately most tend to overlook how society and culture has a major influence on adults raising children, somthing to really worth looking at and questioning, especially in today's times.

@@guesswhosbackg6616 yup, parents, who got it from their parents, who got it from their parents, etc, etc, and so on.

The algorithm loves me more than my mother.

Difficult, but not impossible!

“Emotional alchemy”; I love that. 😌

Right on brother. Same thing with me. Did it all myself. Used journaling and depression doesn’t exist for me for decades. My children haven’t a clue what depression is.

“Ignore the faulty advice of others”. I stopped all counseling and ceased discussing my issues with friends, many who would unwittingly re-traumatize by failing to ask a single question before giving some cliched comment, “we all have problems,”, “just let go and stop dwelling on the past”, “I’ll pray for you”. Only in complete isolation could I begin the healing process. Thanks for your insightful words. 😀

what practises did you do to reconnect with your body and get into your body? I am so ungrounded and disconnected from myself … so much so i’ve lost a sense of what i want and who i am…

​@@DannyWJaco 👏👏👏👏 Yep, so many are dismissive of valid feelings and just end up doing more damage

"Go back to who we were before " for many of us there is no "who we were before " the trauma started from birth . I will never be a ble to be Me because simply there s no "me " I didn't develop it , I wasn't aloud .

I very much like how you worded your message..🌻

@@newanas5271 you can create a new you. Find what you like, what you genuinely enjoy, regardless of what anyone else says. What are the values you believe in, the personality traits that feel right, the preferences, the interests, the activities you enjoy. It can be a painful, emotional process to investigate and discover those things later in life, but it’s never too late 💜

@@newanas5271 I feel the same. I have very few memories of my childhood. Whatever went wrong in my life, went wrong at a very early age. From my present perspective, my demons have been here as long as I have. I can't imagine existence without them. Perhaps this is why I chose to focus on creating something new. There is no "healing" for some of us. We ARE our wounds. But we don't need to be imprisoned by that. We can become the person we choose to become. I know that my demons are very powerful. If they are a part of me, then I will use their power to create something true and beautiful.

@@helenaquin1797 Thank you. I'm glad it resonated with you. Be well.

Oved 50 years ?!? That's too much, very very long time. What on earth 😮

We all appreciate you for taking the time to learn all you can for the children! Best of luck.

Bless you for doing this important work!

I'd nominate you for sainthood if I could. ❤

I pray the Universe blesses you for your wonderful, kind work! Thank you for shining on them 🩵

Yeah -- I think a huge part of the healing, of triggering in you the beginnings of a complete return of your true self, is absolutely creativity. When you learn how to give yourself the space for all of the wistfulness, imagination, weirdness, and whimsy of your own creativity, you start to learn how to treat yourself better and how to give yourself the space to also be yourself. Then you start allowing yourself to feel your true feelings, come out of your shell with your true personality, have spirits and energy that are beautiful and high. And once you can somehow find a way to make the space for yourself unequivocally in that creative space no matter what or who else also gives that space to you or wants you to have creativity going on, you slowly start to learn how to be yourself, even to the very people who hurt you so deeply for doing so. But it hurts less. It makes sense why there is so much healing in the whole of the arts and creativity, but the key is where it taps into this true change, of an internal sense of freedom to be yourself. ♡ (Good luck on the journey ahead. :))

still its first world problems. but I do love the knowledge

​@@TubeMeisterJC oh now, go and blow it out of your emotional and compassionate heart 😉😄 I'm kidding with no ill intent. I hope it translates, but probably won't. That's one of the sad things about the internet. Joking and tongue in cheek comments are very hard to convey or understand.

Perfect description of the effects of trauma. I remember the exact moment i had to shutdown parts of me. Many years i spent not knowing if my thoughts, actions or, heaven forbid< feelings would be accepted or punished.

💟🌟

I don't know that I feel ready to do that but I'll keep your words in mind, thank you.

I'm getting there!

i agree that "accepting yourself" and to stop "hating or loathing yourself" is an important step to healing, and toward loving yourself. thank you for sharing. keep progressing toward "learning to love yourself."

I can not forgive myself for all the things i did out of desperation / insecurity trough out the years.. I have been so strong in many ways but also weak in others, but i can never forgive myself for not being able to forgive myself :(

Props to you pauline its so hard setting boundaries ! Especially confusing when the toxicity is coming from your own mom! The one who's supposed to support and luv u the most.. Sumtimes it DOES help admitting nobodys perfect EVEN HER.EVEN THO SHE ACTS AS if she is. Maybe shes GIVING ALL her mom has given her? Its our job to break the cycle so ur veru brave i too plan this.. thanks for the encouragement... ☆☆▪︎▪︎ Xoxoxo.. ✨️💫✨️💫✨️💫💫💫

That's a good one, good for you! My mom took my grandmother in when her husband passed and she's been pulling this with all her siblings for at least a decade now. Being around to know the hypocrisy in the complaint has been a frustrating home-life to have very little say in. The phrase "It's all in your head" finally made my mom snap into not caring anymore a couple years ago and after switching her attention to demanding more help with taking Gma to doctor appointments and stuff it's finally turned into "I don't know how you live with her." It's still a hellish household for us all but many of my mother's stress-related ailments have alleviated since the snap and the moments where she is able to calmly explain a "No" instead of lashing out or storming away are such cool little wins to witness.

My mom feels the same way. I start using my own brain.

Well done - it's not at all easy x

Good for you. It is hard xo

abandon everything which does not belong to you

I find stoicism depressing, its close to Christianity, seeking Jesus helped more for me

👏🏽💯🔥‼️

Exactly same here.

Yeah, it's like trying to to "read" the parents mood, to guess if you can say or do something now, or if it would cause drama, reproach and aggression and you are better off being silent

Can relate…

Spot on. Kind of recently, my sister moved out, she was talking with me and both of us kind of came to this conclusion. Can't make the wrong move, or else they'll disect every move you make. "That's not like you". "Oh, that's normal for him, he's the quiet one." A lot of what they wanted me to become was good (and I'm grateful I did become that), but so much of who I was needed to be repressed to fit that image. I recognize that moving out from a situation like this important. But it's hard to create the distance needed, and with the cost of living so high these days, I'm always making excuses for why I haven't left yet. They're not terrible people. My parents are mostly kind and well intentioned. They just don't allow me to grow. Not sure when I'll make the move out. The world is so big and unpredictable, and I don't even know who I am or what I want in life. Even if I move out, I have no idea where to, and how to keep myself from self isolating. That's just all I know and it's emotionally crippling to branch out. Anyway, this was a really well put together video. I felt like your comment resonated with me, at least a little.

@@runesr4nerds277 we’re on the same ship partner

Same. My imagination has always sustained me and kept me going. Though, I don't want to be a slave to my self-made escapism. It does always feel like a "key" out and probably always will be for me, too, but I know I need balance and it would be tragic to not seek out the things I know I need in life (like meaningful companionship for example.) Either way, I'm glad I have the "private world" - it's pretty reliable!

Delusion is not cure to trauma it’s a way to only deepen it

I can somehow relate to the inner world,shit I used to daydream for hours about what pissed me off It’s only after so many years that i realized that there’s one truth that i chose to ignore regularly despite being in-front my eyes ,, it took a bad turn when I indulged in my delusions without even realizing it!! Avoidance behavior was what fueled my daydreaming skills day by day , with drugs being introduced into the “inner world” equation, i was left with psychosis , ironically positive delusions, it helped w/ anxiety and depression but my entitlement was something I wouldn’t talk about it back in the days Carful it’s a thought loop not a mental “prison” , i hope i break the chains of my -ve thoughts

Time eventually cures ALL ills. So use it efficiently or don't, it's up to you. Nobody cares and that's NOT a bad thing.

Daydreaming is something many people do to suppress the reality and to not live your life to the fullest is the consequence of it

Having a real connection to another healthy human being helps, but there is no guarantee a therapist would be one.

A therapist with this kind of understanding, will also help ☺️💖✨👍

I love this so much. Every word resonated with me. New follower here. Amazing video 😊

@@alexxx4434 Therapy as an occupation is a joke. I'm not paying money for someone to talk to me. It's the same with prostitution. I'm not paying money to receive affection. It's degrading.

@@williamlevy6964 interesting. You’re absolutely right.

Hello me ..

Same :(

What a ridiculous statement. There are is an equal proportion of emotionally immature woman.

Maybe because, as explained in this video, they are trained at an early age to avoid these qualities.

Thank you.

@@dmackler58I’m replying here of hopes you’d read this instead of a regular comment if that makes sense. This was the best video I’ve watched on RU-vid and it’s given me a blueprint on how to know where I am in my grieving process and what ways it can go. Thank you Daniel

@@e52nthank you!!! Daniel

I like your explanation of how this crying is different from depression. I describe it as having a purity to it - it's proof to me in the very moment that I'm healing so I celebrate my tears.....and the gratitude you describe for a friend validating you - all the relatively small (but SO not small) ways we notice when someone respects us - the initial shock of it...and then the realization...oh this is what real friendship and love is....Anyway, happy for you. I am currently on the deep dive into the worst of the trauma and seeing the shifts too. It's worth the work. It's taken me most of my life to get here.

I went through many years of pain... the death of my Grandma, 3 serious relationships (one was a normal guy, 1 was a narcissist, one a psychopath), plenty of other trauma in-between including chronic sickness, and then being rejected by a long-term friend of 10 years who gave signals that he loved me so believed something could start up with us. I obviously suffered a lot through all of that and experienced times of extreme depression and sadness but still I struggled to actually cry, I struggled to express pain in the form of tears. Just after this I had a VERY short relationship with another narcissist and I'm telling you I spent 2 years crying buckets. It's not about him, but it's years of pain being opened up, there was a huge wound of grief inside of me from years of suffering. I could just sit and cry for hours and hours and I was so relieved because it was like grief was finally being released. It's like when you cry at a funeral of someone you don't know because it's easier to process somehow than the person you knew because that is too painful. That's how I feel it happened for me - I cried about the person I barely knew but it wasn't really about him, it was about everything else that came before it! But I feel great because I'm back in touch with my emotions.

Very happy for you in your healing journey🤍🙌

Most of the people running this world should have no power over anyone either. We´re abused as adults by powers that be same as we were as children by our parents. Problem is, few ever grow to the point they can see this. They can see the abuse their parents did once they´re adults, but they never want to go all the way and recognize their goverments perpetrating the exactly same thing on their subjects. We´re powerless in front of our goverments manipulation and abuse as we were as children with our parents.

No, no, no - you’ve survived. If you’re feeling pain, consider that a badge of honour. Weak people allow themselves to feel no pain. You’ve seen them. If you’re in than much discomfort its because you’ve chosen to suffer instead of throwing away who you really are. Strange to say, but be proud of your pain. Now, go get your payoff. Repair your ‘outside’ and get everything you’ve been saving up for.

.....millions of others shouldn't have had kids either.

Same. I'm terrified of my parents

@@SkyeMpuremagic If we consider the cultural aspect, many get children as well as it's expect of them by their parents, by their culture or their god. I've seen it here so often, big family clans and the small kids with housemaids who are not even Nanny's. Often the women are unhappy in their marriage but need to bring more kids. Other cultures need to bring a lot of kids as they expect them to take care of them in old age.... Thinking often times is distorted. Thinking is hard, that's way it's not practiced by everyone I guess.

i feel like this too and it only makes me more angry in life, how do you cope

Yeah i relate heavily, the anger and sadness feel endless

@@booger4627Jesus

Thank you!

Kind of lived the same life. I had really strict parents that set a lot of boundaries for me. At 6 I was made to do chores every damn day from morning to after school to nights, and even take care of the animals. I was kept inside all day, and had to ask if I could go play outside, most times it would be a no. Wasn't allowed to the park or go visit for friends. My parents would barely take me anywhere. I had no means of communication or to socialize. Even at school I thought kids lived the same life as mine until I realized that their life had much more freedom than mine did. At school I was struggling just to be me or be spirited. My parents had a really strict mindset. Wasn't allowed on electronics only on Friday and Saturday. During my childhood I was very imaginative because I would play by myself. Even talk to myself. Because I had no one to socialize with or play with. I know that my parents were struggling with their emotions and all that. Sometimes I would really want to stay at school and live there, because I was scared of my parents. They were so mean and they didn't try to talk to me in a calm way. I'm still struggling with my past, I'm now 23. I ran away at 16 to another province where they wouldn't find me. I sometimes wish I could tell them how I felt as a child and how it affected me throughout life and till now. But of course they won't listen and always have something "better" to say or they live a much harder life than you.

Finally someone who understands, it was like balm to a wound reading your take on "authority" and it is the absolute truth. You should however try to acknowledge that your being broken has lead to a much higher level of awareness, that is how it usually works. And for.. dimmer-lit people let's say, that hightened awareness equals to being "smart". They will never know unless they somehow live it it themselves.

The most important comment here !!!

@@earth1710 Consider leaving the trap of thinking that every statement needs to have an in-depth peer-reviewed study from some University in order for it to be true. Some things are just axiomatic, or concluded through observation and intuition.

@@CJ-lr4uq You mean it's axiomatic like knowing that God exists? Is that what you mean?

@@earth1710 The thing about axioms is that people can deny that they're axioms, and there is no way to "prove" them wrong per se. Does that mean axioms don't exist?

@@CJ-lr4uq If you agree that anyone can deny anything, including "axioms" , then your existence question is irrelevant according to such logic.

How long did it take them to stop trying to subjugate you with the hooks?

I am german, could you explain it a little bit further? What does escalating the hooks mean?

@@freddiemehrcurry428 ..it means they are trying even harder to drag him down by playing their usual games, continuing with their usual pattern of dysfunction. A hook is something by which you are caught or beholden or obligated, a strong expectation of a particular behaviour, a strong familial pressure to conform to acceptable behaviour which is actually detrimental to you

Not always though. Our own traumas fears and limitations Come up In parenting. That doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist. Our limitations show up in how we talk and what we do even when we love the crap out of our kid and want to give them everything but can’t for whatever reason.

My (adoptive) father was a liar and a gaslighter; his wife was repressed and stuck in the past. My experience maight not be exactly the same as Daniel's, chronologically, but there is much that matches. And thanks for this personal view of a lived experience--well done! @ep7154 has given me a possible description for Dad--I'm thinking about it

We are all narcissists to a degree, when it becomes a disorder is a different thing. Narcissists are focused on their own image to the world, tell half stories to be the hero or play the victim, gaslight to make you question reality etc.

@@strawberryme08 Doesn’t matter. Someone that behaves a certain way can be described as narcissistic.

That's what self-help videos do to people's perception. This issue is way more widespread than narcissism, you can't compare the two.

Do you know Tony Robbins? If not read a book of him or watch a seminar, it helps that he sees even the worst stuff in your life from its good side. Like the being "on guard" is something that can be useful. Im not saying its not bad what happened but you have to move on an get happy by noticing the good things hidden between and behind all the bad things. You are able to make a change in your life.

Peter Pan oh i have made changes and moved on and actually am doing well and am over all happy...i am still always on guard and as i say that will never leave.the crushing violations took away a deep sense of “you don’t have to be afraid” in some ways that is good because i am not as gullible in other ways as i know i will always on guard, not as spontaneous in living life

@@Dstew57A That is nice to hear. :)

D Stew thank you for sharing this. You sound courageous and the boundaries you ended up developing sound so resourceful. :)

Our pain helps us keep a healthy distance from people we really shouldn’t be around. Our pain can remind us it is wise not to be vulnerable with people who haven’t earned our trust.

I can relate. My trauma was so serious that my innate potential was suppressed to the point of lifelong emotional disability!

Yes, I agree. One can only look forward (the past is done and gone) and hope to unbury that lively essence (15:18) that drives a true self.

Sarah , yes

Same with me amd my sisters....

@@athensmajnoo3661 I'm sorry, thank you for sharing that and God bless all of you.

What was the old daniel?

A book ''Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving'' gives insights about self hate. Finally we can grow. Although I find it weird how the author casually mentions his grandmother as an internal source of comfort, that perplexed me. How can that be? It's it the grandmother's inability(choice) to self reflect and take responsibility the very reason why his parent traumatized him? Of course, don't feel pressured to answer this question

Seeking Jesus helps too

I'd look up kirsten neff a self compassion researcher.. if you can learn to be more self compassionate towards yourself about your trauma or as david clarke md put it if you can see yourself as a hero for surviving all that instead of a victim, then you realise that you're incredible your mind body was a hero for trying to keep you safe any way it could and youre a hero for still being here.. it wasnt justified or ok but nevertheless you're still a powerful hero compared to what your abuser(s) wanted you to view yourself.. the abusers wanted you to see yourself as broken / irredeemable etc but you are none of those things.. you still are you and you're a hero

I believe his grandmother was more of an enabler and it was his grandfather that was the cruel one. She probably had more empathy and was able to provide some sense of comfort. My guess.

This is a great comment. I agree with you. But taking psychedelics didn't take me to that place...it made me feel more traumatized and overwhelmed. But I agree my natural grieving process was shut down and my body lost the ability to grieve and was self-hating. When your sense of self is shut down its impossible to grieve. Grieving is for "healthy" people.

I say embrace anger. It’s totally ok. Anger wants change. There are are plenty of ways to change. Perhaps just ending relationships with disrespectful people. Eww that’s a tough one. I’ve done it slowly over 25 years. Try to add people to your life too or loneliness could be too hard.

So True! 20:31

I look. Ack at pictures of my brother he always looked angry as a child he couldn’t hide it I on the other hand internalized everything

Anger is dissatisfaction, that you want to change something. Being denied anger is one of the worst things one can have, period. Your story sounds very similar to mine, can't help but relate to you. I don't know you beyond what you wrote here, but this is enough for me. Your anger is justified. People may call it irrational or whatever, and you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being irrational. The people who may tell you that your anger is irrational don't even realize how irrational they themselves are. I hope you rediscover yourself fully. You're already doing a damn good job starting that in the first place. You're actively trying to be better. And that's worth celebrating

I started getting angry too. It has fueled me and even made me rebellious and ready to prove myself but it does not make me happy.