THE VELOCIPASTOR - A Movie So Stupid I Fell In Love With It 

"So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you." Father Stewart 2018

This wasn’t a terrible movie, just brilliant satire, that was obvious as soon as we saw the “ VFX : CAR ON FIRE”.

"The movie was like crack cocaine. I threw up the first time I tried it, but now im adicted. The CGI was horrible and the story made no sense. I rate it a 10/10." - Me

I'm disappointed the movie didn't shoehorn pirates into the plot somehow

Don't you hate it when "VFX: Car on fire" starts vibing infront of you

Doug: is a priest, not a pastor Doug: turns into a t-rex, not a velociraptor movie title: V E L O C I P A S T O R

Elvis: “So these are Christian Ninjas.” Me: you mean Crinjas?

"A pastor who turns into a dinosaur and a hooker team up to fight Mandarin speaking Christian ninjas." 9:06 The ninja flag says: "Morning training everyday 7 o'clock" "Please stay away from drugs" "Pants are choosable" "Rest on Fridays" 16:39 Sam the white ninja, brother of Doug, had a headband with the word "brother" on it. So I guessed he was Doug's brother before Elvis said so. 19:52 This flag says: "Today's diving class canceled"

"and then he turned himself into a dinosaur, funniest shit i've ever seen"

I find it almost hilarious that Sam, the brother, has 兄弟 on his bandanna, which literally means 'brother'.

“He’s transforming into some kinda of lizard-” Zuckerburg’s at is again boys

I laughed my head off when that woman blew up "she's too far gone", and the guy's expression - hahaha!

Fun fact: the director got the idea for this masterpiece when he was texting his friend about his favorite dinosaur and his phone autocorrected velociraptor to velocipastor.

As a Catholic, I can say truthfully that this is an 100% accurate portrayal of the Catholic church and what we do. You were never supposed to know.

A lot of lesser writers/actors have tried to strike the perfect balance of "funny Bad on purpose". Velocipastor is near genius level comedy when you see the nuance and effort they put into emulating and satirizing terrible B movies. shooting or acting bad on purpose almost always misses the mark. So many layers of awareness and talent required... All just to appear terrible.... its profound. Theres maybe only a few other teams that have come even close. Manborg/psycho Goreman, or Garth Meringi are the only ones i can think of.

"Carol, hello..." -SLAP- 😂😂 now that's hilarious.

I love this movie, not gonna lie. I also love the people who think this movie is meant to be taken seriously. Edit: Holy fuck guys thank you so much for all the likes--

(Jurassic Park) Velocipastor: opens door Velocipastor: Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

Y’know, as a Catholic, I’ve always thought that Christian media was pretty sad and overly preachy nonsense. But this? Oh, this is beautiful.

I was so surprised to see Aurelio Voltaire as the exorcist in this movie and now I want to watch it even more.

I like how these clearly joke movies are not made for money, they’re made for fun. Like you can tell they had a blast filming this.

Sequel should be: " *Velocipastor Vs Philosiraptor: Why is God?* "

22:07 I love how the actor for the Master Ninja can't even say his lines with a straight face. You can literally hear him trying to control his laughter.

Franky Mermaid is the absolute best name for a PIMP I've ever heard. Masterpiece.

“Do not touch me with thee sinning hands Jezabel!” **wheeze**

This movie is hilarious, but there is A REALLY bad movie called “Killer Sofa” (2019) it’s so bad that’s it’s hilarious.

I feel bad for the poor souls who don't know that this gem is a parody

21:52 Elvis: But, there’s ONE thing that the master forgot. The Dino-HANDS.... 🤗 ....are immune to the arrow’s powers!”

“I don’t know much about god.” “I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”

most movies take the "he turned into a werewolf" or "vampire" route but these guys went the fuck it route made the dude a dinosaur

"go where God won't follow" Immediately goes to China

Sam is one of the most sympathetic villains I have ever seen.

"Touch not thy sinning hands, jezebe!" I am gonna save this line for later for when I am in a situation wearing an orange dress with my very evident bulge poking through.

The only reason that god still loves the human race is because this movie exists.

I'm gonna write my graduation thesis about this modern masterpiece

"I believe in higher power. But praying right now will never save.." *pauses while the ninjas are staring at Doug* "..YOUR LIVES." Best quote

Idk if it’s just me but this movie just feels like someone came up with the title and thought it was hilarious and then just tried to make a movie around it.

Why is this whole movie shot like an episode of the office

That quote after murdering everyone is an homage to Miami Connection where they drop that quote after violently murdering everyone. Classic

Love that China, Vietnam and Usa have the same exact forest

The guy who plays Doug looks like a mix of Benedict Cumberbatch and John Mulaney

They must've had a blast filming this.

Finding out Aurelio Voltaire was in this film was probably the best moment of this movie. Followed by "burning car vfx" and the whole Vietnam scene

When you’ve been dating for 8 years and she tries to hold your hand before marriage: 6:11

I died at the dialogue "I don't know much about god." "And I don't know much about dinosaurs."

"Why don't you just kill me now?" "Ok" Best dialog of all time...

Starts singing: Thats what parents do They die on you They die on you

The guy who plays the Exorcist is Aurelio Voltaire, He's a goth singer/songwriter as well as a bunch of other things. He's got a youtube channel where he does gothic home decor as well as other stuff related to the goth subculture and his music. I met him at a show earlier this year and I got my copy of Velocipastor signed by him. Really nice guy and he puts on a great show.

I remember waking up to smell of smoke and the sound of sirens then i see the horror outside (VFX : CAR ON FIRE)

"Vampire Guy" is Aurelio Voltaire, a comedic horror musician. Him being in this movie is perfectly on-brand, honestly.

To be fair, Carol probably has experience fighting off men.

Damn, Didn't know Diego Brando was a pastor

Fun fact, I have the exact same “horn” they used for this movie. It’s literally a cheap fake dinosaur fang from target

vampire guy looks like a younger, goth Nick Cage made u look

So did anyone else notice when the guy is talking to he's dad in the car for advice, it looks very, VERY similar to that one scene from the spider man movie where Peter is talking to Uncle Ben?

I imagine Cinema Sins has a riveting video review, chock full of snarky big brain complaints about preachers not really being able to turn into velociraptors and what not.

I cant believe that Benedict Cumberbatch actually acted in this movie

"He looks like an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean" I mean, "Goth Pirate DILF" IS the look Voltaire is looking for.

Velocipastor is a work of genius! My daughter and I have trash movie nights and we both fell in love with this masterpiece. "What was she doing here?" "I don't know, maybe trying to start a family..."

i was debating about watching this movie until i saw "VFX: Car on Fire" and now im definitely watching this.

Everybody gangsta till the VFX: car on fire starts Rollin in ur hood

Hard to believe this is all based off the true story of Feeky Beek, the Baptist Preacher from Prague who owned multiple scolios-infected Kangaroos that served in the War of 1812. Pretty accurate story telling tbh, most modern cinemas stray too far from the source material 👍🏻

I love how freaking Aurelio Voltaire was the exorcist guy lmao

Interesting tidbit: The "Exorcist" character (His name is Altair apparently) is played by Aurelio Voltaire, the gothic singer, which is someone I recognized instantly. I find it hilarious because I'm pretty he was just asked to be in it and he took it because he's someone that either wanted to be in this silly movie because he's a simple man or he was paid an unhealthy amount of money, which I doubt. Just thought I'd shared that bit.

"....a magic horn that turns you into a dinosaur." _Diego_ _Brando_ _would_ _like_ _to_ _know_ _your_ _location_

Is this the sequel of shark exorcist

this is hands down the best movie ive ever seen in my life.

5:00 S H E B A N G E D A D I N O S A U R

Diego Brando becomes a priest: The Movie

After watching this review, I can conclude that this is a cinematic masterpiece, that has no plot holes whatsoever and should've been nominated for best picture. Plus I appreciate that this film is virtually just one big JoJo reference.

16:20 The way he spoke that line is hilarious . A plus acting.

The flashing scene with the unknown girl is probably the Ninja's last thoughts. He died, thinking about women (incredible)

Because of this movie, I have been converted into a Christian

I can imagine a version where this movie was made into an anime, and i genuinely think it could work

> He looks like an extra for Pirates of the Caribbean I'm sure Aurelio Voltaire would get a giggle out of that comment 😂. He's a somewhat famous singer with a goth look, and kind of a guest star in that movie. The "satanic key thing on his neck" isn't a film accessory, it's a pendant he designed and has been wearing for years. The key's teeth spell out his name.

12:45 It is clear and simple. It was the power of love which allowed Doug to keep his inner dinosaur under control.

"Remember this random white ninja?" Me: _please_ tell me he's the secret brother or something "Well that's Sam, Doug's brother" **slow clapping**

The actors look like they're having fun

The colour grading, cinematography and the cuts are quite sick in this movie.

What I love most about this movie are the little things. Like at the Vietnam flashback scene before Stuart's wife comes along (for some reason), there's a soldier leaning against a tin hut with the words "the world is full of kings and queens who blind your eyes and steal your dreams" spray painted on it and I was like "I've heard this before, but from where?". One Google search later and turns out it's lyrics from Black Sabbath's Heaven and Hell. I refuse to believe that that was a coincidence, just a radomn reference that happens to coincide with the religious theme of the movie? Naw, this movie is brilliant. I adore it

That "horn" is clearly a tooth.

this is my stand ability "SCARY MONSTERS!!"

I watched like two scenes of this movie w my brother in law. I was full on crying from the “VFX: Car on fire”

you put this out on my birthday, a true gift

Fun fact: the “Vampire guy” is Aurelio Voltaire, he’s the guy who sang that badass brains song from billy and Mandy

“I use to be a velocipastor like you, before I took an arrow to the knee.”

I can’t believe Aurelio Voltaire was just randomly in this movie. I was watching this on my friends birthday and I was floored.

Fun fact: at 10:51 the "vampire looking guy" its a cuban-american goth singer and composer called Aurelio Voiltaire, he also composed some songs for the show "grim adventures of billy and mandy" like "land of the dead" and "brains", im so glad, surprised and laughing my a$$ to see him on this movie

*Honestly Elvis I think if there’s any content I really adore from you it’s these reviews. They have the same type of natural comedic delivery as your other videos while also being pretty good analysis on the film you’re talking about. Thanks for brightening my day today during this quarantine and honestly let the velocipastor bless your day today as well.*

The Drone, a movie so stupid Elvis fell in love with it Velocipastor: *Hold my Bible*

"This vampire looking guy." lmao. Being in this film is totally on brand for Voltaire.

I want more of these dude.. seriously.. LMAO.. OMG.. Keep coming

My first reaction to his parents’ death was like “is this a nightmare or a parody movie” and my friend goes “Who knows the description made it sound like a shit show” and we continued until the pimp showed up and we were like ight imma head out

Doug: *Find person with arrow sticking out of their chest* Also Doug: Are you hurt? WHaDdyA tHinK DOUG?

so excited they're making a sequel

I have jus found ur channel and dame I like it 👌

The Chinese signs in the background are pretty funny. "Farm practice every day at 7." "Notice: Scuba diving practice canceled today."

This whole movie sounds like a fetish

Yo the comedic acting from the leads in this movie is actually pretty on point. Unironically solid lol

This is every thing that is great about "bad movies".