My best advice: THRIVE Get your life back! Make a difference in the world! Since my breakup 3 months ago I started a podcast (to celebrate writers around the world), I launched a new short(ish) story, and got booked on over a dozen podcasts to talk about launching my new novel trilogy in 6 weeks. Don't get hurt. Don't get mad. Don't even get even. Don't "just survive." GET OUT THERE AND THRIVE. The best way to prove to him/her/them - and to YOU - that you're BETTER than how they treated you is to show that you can THRIVE without them!
I made the decision to block my avoidant "ex", because he kept coming back with empty promises. He was able to acknowledge his unhealthy self-sabotaging patters and do some inner work, but he always made the same mistake (ghosted me) even if I pointed out that this is hurtful and if he keeps ignoring my presence, my patience with him is just simply fruitless and there is no future for us. It has been 6 weeks and it hurts like hell and, but God, I feel such inner peace and harmony since I know nothing about him. I was proud of him that at least he started to feel the importance of change in his avoiding tendencies and hope he asks for professional help. I am also proud of myself, that I was able to walk away after a year and exit this vicious circle, even if I love him to bits.
Good for you, I just did the same thing. My ex and I broke up almost two years ago, and since then, she has come back out of the blue three times, we'll reconnect, sometimes even meet up, or at least have long phone conversations, everything always goes amazingly well, we rediscover our deep connection, make plans to go out again, and then she ghosts me and ends up dating some rando three weeks later that she dumps at the 6 month mark. Like f--ing clockwork at this point. "Oh, it's been 6 months, M___ is about to call me." Couldn't do it anymore, confronted her, didn't hold back, said everything I ever wanted to but didn't for fear of driving her away, and didn't wait for her to respond before I blocked her everywhere. I'm absolutely crushed, but I know it's the only way forward.
7 months. Mine hasn’t come back. I did no contact after he pulled the rug out from under me and broke up with me. Three months of no contact and then brief contact three other times, but it never went any further than that. He wished me a happy birthday on social media last month. I wasn’t expecting it. that was a month ago and nothing more. He is the ultimate dismissive avoidant. i’ve never been more heartbroken or confused
Why don’t you do the communication, who cares who messages first, message the same time each day. Only once daily tho, don’t over do it. These people are scared, I use avoidance to cope in some situations, I have a pushy friend she always made contact first, now I trust her because of her persistence, also have your own life and interests a partner is the icing on the cake and not the cake, they cake is my life he makes it sweeter,
As a former DA if you want a relationship with him just ask him point blank if he still has feelings for you? If so then list out your unmet needs in the relationship and how he can meet them. If he can't say yes to that then don't go any farther. Probably should make the list before starting. He is going to get very uncomfortable while talking about this, just assure him you aren't trying to blame him but want to make him aware of how both of you can be more fulfilled. He doesn't understand that concept.
@@andrewmeppen8068 I agree with what your saying, often times the DA partner isn’t a match, many people don’t understand this, my needs from my DA is two reach outs a week via text and one date night, I like to be left alone after that, I have other things to do work friends ect, I’m fulfilled with just that, it’s not fair to ask people to perform in ways they can’t, if you can’t meet their needs or they can’t meet yours it’s best to find someone else willing, it’s too frustrating for both people. That’s why I said, I do most of the reaching out cuz he can’t seem to manage it, I don’t really care if I reach out 80 percent of the time, I’m happy. With a little distance,
Sometimes when someone walks away the do us a favor we just can't see Through the pain of the heartbreak Focus on yourself and fall in love with yourself Go out have fun flirt dance Listen to music journal Eventually you'll get to the point where you don't even want them back There behavior becomes unattractive Sending your prayers and healing vibes ❤🙏
I am MARRIED to one. Don’t do it. I feel like I have no power in the marriage because he knows he can just shut off. It is cyclical and the cycle never ends. After 12 years, I feel unattractive, lonely, bored, disconnected and more anxious than ever. Listen to me: EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE LOVED properly and openly with JOY. I’m turning 50 in less than a year. Do not do what I have done. There is no changing these people.
@@tnt01 We are deeply financially involved and live in a coastal area where currently rents are sky high and locals cannot find places to live - there isn’t enough rental inventory and I’ve lived here my whole life and my aging parents live here. I make peanuts compared to him and in a divorce we would have to sell the house and I wouldn’t qualify for a new mortgage or be able to buy him out. I spent most of my older son’s life (17) at home caring for him (he has medical issues and learning problems) and my younger son is ten. Now I work 3-4 days a week and take care of the kids 100%. It would greatly impact their lives to leave their childhood home and live in borderline poverty with me. It’s honestly less stressful to me to just deal with him and focus on building my career at this point. But it’s a HUGE WARNING to young women and men to not get into a marriage with someone who cannot communicate. He hid his tendencies but there were red flags. I just didn’t understand the red flags well enough to know which direction this would go. You’ve also got to get strong in your own self and self worth before entering into a relationship. I thought I was but I definitely wasn’t. Life is a learning process….just try to value yourselves.
Let mine come back two times but third time i refused. Now in a new relationship and he is going crazy texting me from time to time asking to meet up! They always come back but dont let them back and stay Single until the right person comes!
Avoidants are cowards unfit for close/romantic relationships. They are a better fit for casual friendships. Stop crying over them. Disappear from their lives. Build your own amazing life. And if you encounter another one, friend-zone them or ignore them or they will drain you
@@mathiasautric3845 The problem is you can't be the one to convince them of that. They have to figure that out themselves, especially with therapeutic tools. They are too damaged to properly receive and give love. Deeply damaged.
Yeap after 13 years of relationship I am going too reach out to my ex, an avoidant, after emotional cheating and a discard like I ment nothing. Haha yeah right I have self respect after all. And to all those who are going through the same thing, have some dignity and do not enable avoidants. Remove yourself from these situations and protect yourself and your mental health.
This is awesome. Please can you make more videos on friendships especially FAs n DAs how they can heal from big fights. I lost a sibling 6 weeks ago n my DA friend just left me to deal myself despite me asking them to b there
Ask them explicitly for support. Tell them in very detailed manner exactly what you want, to hold your hand and tell you you'll be ok, to call you every now and then to check in on you, to make you a meal, to sit in silence with you etc.
@miaduana trust me I did. I asked for the support I needed very detailed and consistent I wasn't koy about anything. I asked for a week of they could joke with me, because I can't find a reason to smile, if they could check on me in person or via text, if they could send me some jokes, if we could go to the gym together Here n there. Everyday for a week if we could play either board games or video games. If I could talk to them not feel judged or sometimes just sit in silence. I told them I did not always want to share my pain. Trust me I did. They would provide it once and be like I'm good. I told them I'll have good days and bad days I just need you to be there for both. Tbh they were overwhelmed by me being overwhelmed I rarely ever ask them for anything and I present strong. I went thru a turmoil of emotions, anger, sadness and logicalness(not a word but I am using it). I allowed my self to be vulnerable in front of them, I was feel sad alone, weak n deeply hurt about my sister’s passing 💔. I needed a rock as I communicated to them but they made me feel sad, angry n small. I was feeling bad to about these emotions. They tend to feed of my energy and this time I had no positive energy I was not seeing the end of the tunnel. What sucks is last year I was really there for them. I am in a different country away from my nuclear family, we did the whole we are blood pact brothers thing, so it truly hurt when they couldn’t be there for me. They were giving e space and I would be like thank you but I truly need this n this. To them, it was inconvenient, when I'd bring things up or show how other people were extending support need from them they felt blamed even though I would have either said it to them in calm tone or written a thought out text. One time I wrote a long message thanking them for being there if I have put too much pressure on u I am sorry. I actually want these things for a week to feel like myself. My mistake of saying when you are high u are super supportive n empathetic, I wish you could be that person too sober. They only zeroed in on that point removing everything I have pointed prior. They told me very harsh words during this process to the point I felt I had to get over the grief for their sake n not mine. They couldn't understand the concept of me soothing through them. It was more like I'm here today I did my part now figure ur stuff out. I asked for grace and it would only make them mad. I understood thy were going through a lot as well struggling with realigning their purpose. It just sucked they couldn’t set aside their pride n problems down for a week. I asked for the bare minimum here.
@miaduana trust me I did. I asked for the support I needed very detailed and consistent I wasn't koy about anything. I asked for a week of they could joke with me, because I can't find a reason to smile, if they could check on me in person or via text, if they could send me some jokes, if we could go to the gym together Here n there. Everyday for a week if we could play either board games or video games. If I could talk to them not feel judged or sometimes just sit in silence. I told them I did not always want to share my pain. Trust me I did. They would provide it once and be like I'm good. I told them I'll have good days and bad days I just need you to be there for both. Tbh they were overwhelmed by me being overwhelmed I rarely ever ask them for anything and I present strong. I went thru a turmoil of emotions, anger, sadness and logicalness(not a word but I am using it). I allowed my self to be vulnerable in front of them, I was feel sad alone, weak n deeply hurt about my sister’s passing 💔. I needed a rock as I communicated to them but they made me feel sad, angry n small. I was feeling bad to about these emotions. They tend to feed of my energy and this time I had no positive energy I was not seeing the end of the tunnel. What sucks is last year I was really there for them. I am in a different country away from my nuclear family, we did the whole we are blood pact brothers thing, so it truly hurt when they couldn’t be there for me. They were giving e space and I would be like thank you but I truly need this n this. To them, it was inconvenient, when I'd bring things up or show how other people were extending support need from them they felt blamed even though I would have either said it to them in calm tone or written a thought out text. One time I wrote a long message thanking them for being there if I have put too much pressure on u I am sorry. I actually want these things for a week to feel like myself. My mistake of saying when you are high u are super supportive n empathetic, I wish you could be that person too sober. They only zeroed in on that point removing everything I have pointed prior. They told me very harsh words during this process to the point I felt I had to get over the grief for their sake n not mine. They couldn't understand the concept of me soothing through them. It was more like I'm here today I did my part now figure ur stuff out. I asked for grace and it would only make them mad. I understood thy were going through a lot as well struggling with realigning their purpose. It just sucked they couldn’t set aside their pride n problems down for a week. I asked for the bare minimum here.
I'd let this one go, You lost a sibling - that is hell!! For them to just leave you to deal with it yet you needed them says a lot about their attitude of the friendship, I'd let this one go and create space for more genuine friends. Even friendships can be toxic & draining.
You are exactly describing my ex who ghosted me over 4 months ago. Never contacted him since & never will. I don’t know what I will do if he ever came back. It depends on what he will offer and prove
These time frames .. I get them but also they will drive a person nuts a bit .. all bets are off if someone has a major death in the family or medical procedure or if you are long distance.. etc. I think ppl should apply these very specific time frame verrrry loosely.
Hey all. 28 years now. Last time I did lots of work. Alas not quite enough 😊. This return will 100% be different and I feel different. I love her and even though it truly broke me this time. I will be steadfast on communicating boundaries and needs. I am truly prepared to walk if there is no accountability on her part this time. I am not weak but have I believe finally come to an understanding about myself and her. We all have difficult choices. Look deeply in yourself and the answers lie within. You are all worthy and deserving of happiness. Stay safe and do what you think is best for you ❤
My ex wife kept coming back. But every time she came back she only kept doing worse due to drug use. She came back after three years of disappearing on our family, she wasn’t the same person anymore. All the drug use the past three years has destroyed her mentally and psychologically. I had to cut her loose again because she’s now doing drugs around our toddler.
I don't want him to come back. I don't think so he will come back. It's better to leave this kind of relationship it's just destroy us. He took me on stage to do suicide. He doesn't deserve anything. Fall in love with an avoidant means you're going jump into a hell and it's gonna suffer you so much mentally. If anyone struggling with this kind of person then my suggestion would be try to leave them. Otherwise you would never be happy. Give some respect to yourself and your tears. Don't waste your tears for them it not worth it. I had a good lesson after this kind of fucking relationship 😅
Thank you for everything you have helped me understand so much !! i’m going into the no contact phase except we work together !! Help me navigate this please 😢
I’m an FA dating a DA. He has been triggering me badly lately, where I had to end things and I meant it. But then I did that frustrating FA thing of immediately regretting it, because I ended things bc he wasn’t responding, but as soon as he did it made me feel seen. But then he said I’ve talked about leaving too many times, and he’s done done. This just happened tonight and even though rationally I can observe and see everything that’s going on, I think I had a panic attack over it. Of feeling like I had to leave him to protect myself, and not wanting to and feeling it tear me apart. Do you have any thoughts for my situation? I love him and wish I could have controlled my reaction better 😔 I’m afraid I’ve really fucked it up by talking about my needs, and I feel like he’s justified for leaving because I shouldn’t have ended things and immediately run back to him. I hate that I did that, but my anxiety was at a level 10 and i just could not control it. It was like my subconscious was just running the show and i couldn’t stop it. It’s so frustrating as I’ve put in over a year of work into my attachment and can literally watch it unfold in front of me, but I could not stop myself. I stopped myself many times previously, but just couldn’t this time. At such a deep level it just feels like it’s tearing my soul apart, this is misery 😭 If anyone read this and has any thoughts or has been through this before, please share what you think with me. I’ll be fine, but I’m struggling over feeling like I’ve lost the love of my life
I think if you took the brave step to express your needs that’s your whole self screaming something in this dynamic is not matching as painful as that can be to admit. Going through something similar rn. We both deserve partners that show up in the ways we need and are open to hearing that feedback and working together. Don’t beat yourself up, talk to yourself like you’d talk to little you in a loving and compassionate way ❤ you’re doing your best
I did this too. I had an anxious reaction to my boyfriend's dismissive behavior, crazily lashed out at him and he had warned me a few times that he couldn't handle my emotional volatility and wouldn't tolerate it. So I felt responsible for my part. We were no contact for 3 weeks then met for an amazing evening and are meeting again after another 3 weeks (he was out of town this time but we still have had minimal communication). He went from being super cold and brutally dismissive to now sounding very regretful and fearful of losing me. Give him space and time and hopefully you two can eventually come together and compromise about what needs to change in order for things to work in the future. I know it feels hopeless and unbelievably scary. People are telling you that you deserve better and, while part of you knows that, you have hope things can change. It does help to study up on ways to work through your own core wounds and how to change your subconscious thoughts, coping mechanisms, etc. Self-reflection, self-care, time/space and a heck of a lot of patience and understanding will slowly lead you to a much happier place. I hope it works out for you. ❤
First thing first, kudos for working on your attachment ! Not many people do it. Everyone's first aim should be to become secure and heal their core wounds. That doesn't mean that all the triggers will disappear. It'll take time too, to change how you react to it. But let's focus on what happened. You voiced your needs and it's a great important step. You have been triggered by your partner because of their patterns. So the real question is imo, is he aware that he's DA and also willing to become secure ? It's his dismissiveness that triggered your fears of abandonment and of rejection. And from what I read he didn't tell you that he needed space. He also has to take responsibility for his actions, which they (DA) seldom do.It's his fault too, so don't blame yourself for everything. Takes 2 to tango. It's completely normal to feel like you lost the love of your life. The separation is recent, but with time and allowing yourself to grieve and feel what happened, you'll see that maybe it wasn't meant to be a match. I've gone through the same thing with a DA, 2 years on and off with him constantly ghosting and ignoring me for months because of his past traumas. But now 4 months post break up, I can finally see how it would have never worked out. Someone who doesn't want to change to become secure isn't my idea of a happy future. Having a reliable, consistent trustworthy partner isn't a mere utopia. We all deserve one.
@@HEYEMMY8 wow this sounds just like my situation, my ex’s warnings, and our breakup. It’s been a month since break up and two weeks no contact. Did he reach out to you at the three week mark? How’s it going now?
@@janef4701he did reach out after about 3 weeks. It's been a bit touch-and-go but we have kind of started anew and are getting to a good place. We were unwittingly hurting and triggering each other. If you are working on yourself, I believe there's a good chance to improve the relationship if there is another opportunity to do so. For me it's been all about limiting my alcohol (to just 1 drink!), processing my emotions to self-soothe and having better control of the way I respond.
What if they blocked you everywhere for no apparent reason? How do you reach out to them and tell them that you still have feelings for them after 2 months of no contact initiated by them? Everything was perfect for 3 weeks - everything was mutual and open and vulnerable to a point that we were talking about being excited about what the future have in store for US and then suddenly after you make a request for clear and direct communication when you feel them pulling away a bit, you get a message - “I don’t think I can give you what you are looking for, thank you for your time” leaving you wondering - WTF happened? How do you know if they even want to come back and take accountability for leaving you hanging like that. 😢
Were you only dating for 3 weeks? It sounds like they were pretty clear and don't think you're a good match together. I wouldn't reach out. Sorry that happened. ❤
You have deep abandonment issues. 3 weeks is not a relationship. You also acquired a soul tie that must be dismantled. You have to look at yourself. Why you keep doing this .Turn to the Lord Jesus for clarity.
Validating that after 3 months of minimal contact he is back. But ... I'm assuming not back with the commitment I asked for because I don't really see any attempt to heal his avoidant wounds. It's very flirty. But what's funny is, this whole time I wanted him to come back and yet now I've started to heal and be so happy with my life that I don't think I even want to commit to him anyway. If he'd get trauma therapy and commit to healing I'd feel differently but he's just checking out by intriguing with me. I am still very attracted to him but I know I wouldn't even WANT my partner to be someone who is unhealed and acting out with smoking weed and indulging in intriguing as a means of escape and self protection. He's all about me now but if we actually were to sleep together then he'd only ghost again. It's just boring at this point.
I have no idea what my attachment style is. Seems a little bit of everything. I give and give and when its never reciprocated its natural to back off. Why should i give and get bread crumbs? Yet i was accused if being the one that walked away. But they walked away a little every day for long time but continued to keep taking and when i tried explain it i was wrong. I dont fear getting hurt i hate wasting my time n resources.
What if i as the anxious attached broke up with the fa because of extremely push and pull for month after triggering them? One day my fa loved me, next day my fa was unsure if she would be happier without me. My fa kept distancing more and more, the more i was pushing and putting them on a pedestal. So i broke up. No contact for almost 3 month now...im happy again the most time, but how do i know, if they want to reconcile again? Wait for them to reach out indirectly? I dont want to reach out, because my ex threw our relationship away and invested nothing in the relationship after being triggered. My ex betrayed me emotionally and lied to me. Im pretty sure that my ex provocated me to breakup, because she hadn't enough courage to break up. So in my opinion my ex has to make the initial steps to fix things...
What about UNDER THE RADAR N O CONTACT I.E. AFTER NO CONTACT FOR 2 TO 4 WEEKS SHOW SUBDUED INTEREST AND PUSH PULL BEHAVIOUR..PUTTING TIME RESTAINT OF 30 MINUTES ON COFFEE MEET UP..BE THE ONE TO LEAVE THE DATE FIRST AND PRE EMPTIVE PULL BACKS ( BEFORE THE AVOIDANTE DOES)??
My ex girl was like that, never gave anyone a second chance, she gave me one a week after thing went wrong, we broke up again tho but 4 months she kept stalking my story secretly, I had posted about missing this own girl and she contacted me, declined but then later gave it another chance, didn’t go well again and we broke up but was fine with being on talking terms, I declined then 2 months later I reached out, she wasn’t okay and comfortable with it so I left it alone for a month then reached out again, yet it only pushed her away more and she respectfully said no, 4 months later now with no contact, and she went to Easter service when she knew I was attending, weeks before I once again posted something similar mentioning a certain someone, as she attends the service I got shocked because when we reconnected before, she admitted that she only avoided those services because of me, yet now she attended and even to this day she’s still stalking my social media everyday.
I am not sure if my ex is avoidand or something else. We got closer for half a year. When we first time slept over with my kid and her kids everything seems fine. Then she said me she can't have a relationship now and wants to try herself out. I like her alot and she me. I cut communications but every three weeks or so we wrote and missed us both. But when we try to get togehter it seems good for two or three days and then it repeats itself. It feels on the one hand like breadcrumbing but I know she is very truthful. We write sometimes and it is very inconsistence. One night we are sexting, the next it is just daily things or she isn't replying at all. I think about cutting it but I like her very much and I know she likes and misses me too. Yesterday we met and kissed and I felt she liked it. And today we wrote shortly, I said just write me how your appointment was and then nothing ...
Women aren't natural pursuers and personally I've never felt comfortable in that role. So even if I initiated the break up, I probably would never reach out again. I know these dating coaches tell men to wait until women come back around, but as someone who leans avoidant, I don't do that. I actually commented this on a dating coaches video because while I agree with using no contact as a time to better yourself physically and mentally, also using it in hopes your ex will come back might have you waiting a long time. I don't know your dynamic so I can't say for sure if you should reach out, but if you need to do it for closure or your own peace of mind then go for it.
If your ex is a DA, they may never reach out during NC, so you may need to be the first one to reach out, but only do it once, and if they don’t reach out after that, don’t reach out anymore.
@@gogohappygirlWhat if he unblocked me after few months and I reached out first after 15 days of being unblocked, he replied with short answer. The next day I said thank you and he said you're welcome. lol Should I continue to reach out first or should I stop reaching out to him?
I reached out after 3 weeks of NC. She didn’t respond. She texted me 4 days later when she saw my car at a grocery store. She told me she didn’t see me text until that day (BS). We reconnected for a little bit and even went on a date. The date went super well and she started to open up to me, talking about her family secrets, relationship with her father etc. Guess what happened after that, she went dark again. Everytime she flaked on me she would be posting some sad lyrics or some feeler stuff on IG, saying stuff like she’s scared of love stuff like that. Obviously she’s self-aware but with no intention to seek help. It’s not worth it man.
@dr_fantom Thank you. It's been about a month and a half of NC. She hasn't reached out and I'm not going to be the one to initiate contact. If she does reach out, I will only consider going slow if I see she is working on her issues.
I could be mistake for avoidant as I'll go no contact with friends and family. For me it's autistic burn out when it happens. My wife knows about and I just can't do social activities well and up sleep lot more. Looks like I'm depressed but totally not depressed. I'm up and down for 6 week to 18 weeks. Typically 6 weeks.
This sounds similar to my partner. He is autistic and I used to think he was avoiding me. I have noticed his patterns that cycle about the same as yours. I have been emotionally overwhelming during those times unfortunately. I wasn’t aware of what he needed
@@Zara19888 The with this it's not a no contact but can appear so. What is really needed is kindness and no pressure. Typically when it happen people get anxious and put more pressure and are not very kind about it. That just make it worse and leads to more meltdowns and shutdowns.
@@chrismaxwell1624 thanks for your reply. My partner hasn’t spoken to me for a few weeks now. I wasn’t aware of this and took it personally. He wanted space. I haven’t reached out to be respectful. Should I reach out to say hi or leave him?
@@Zara19888Sure say hi, give them an open invite when they are ready. They might not be for time or they might be. It's different for everyone and the impacts can be worse for some than others. .I just know I'd appreciate kindness, knowing someone cared about me with invitation to enter their lives once I recover.
@@Zara19888 actually autism co ocures very often with Da or Fa attachementstyle. And it's necessary for people with autism to learn to recognise how they feel, what they need, communicate their needs and to set healthy boundries to their own needs to make the chance on accuring burnout and meltdowns smaller and less frequent aswell as shorter by knowing how to deal with it. This I know as an late diagnosed Ass with Fa. Since I started working on healing Fa and actually understand better and feel better what my body was telling me I recognised that fatigue and exhaustion could be emotional overwhelm (even days or weeks delayed), social overwhelm, fysical fatigue, mental overthinking fatigue it could be not understanding of fully seeing how a situation was that was draining me, but also trying to achieve a goal that is too big and overwhelming or not getting there fast enough, it's about not being in the moment, it's about not having healthy movement hormones or good and lighthearted enjoyable connecting moments, it can be a feeling of feeling deeply alone and misunderstood, it can be too much sensory overwhelm aswell this can be delayed or being too harsh and perfectionistic to myself or being overwhelmed with empathy for other peoples problems. Learning to recognise and understand the difference between mental, emotional, sensory and physical fatigue was huge especially cause it makes room for the right solutions. Psychologists don't understand enough the connections between attachementstyle and autism. But it is HUGE.
THIS is VERY BAD NEWS ... the posts are frightening. EVERY YOURUBE VIDEO has crucified and over complicated these styles. What could happen so bad in their childhood that they can't be 'human' and terrified. Is narcissistic same as dismissive avoidant?
“How do we prevent this from happening?” LEAVE. Forget all labels and psychology and understanding. Why would you want to stay with someone who isn’t sure about you, who plays hot and cold games, who you never know what they’re actually thinking or feeling? The answer is if you value or respect yourself at all, you don’t. You simply have to leave and be done and let them continue their cycles, waste the time of less aware people, and abuse and take advantage of others love
@@brownell.landrum Absolutely. And this always begins with shifting back focus to where it should’ve been all along, on yourself. Staying in touch with and being true to yourself once you are back in a safe environment, either alone or around those you can trust with your life
I spent 2 years with a DA (I'm a FA) and I really want to emphasize that IT'S NOT WORTH PURSUING! It might seem like your situation is unique and you hang onto smallest bits of hope BUT it wont change unless a person goes to therapy and genuinely wants to understand them for the sake of your relationship. Everything else is bs and you'd be MUCH better of with a secure person. I promise you! Now I'm with a secure partner for 3 years and I've never been happier. Looking back at the DA relationship as a nightmare. True love to all ❤❤❤
What brings you to this video if you have moved on and are happier than ever? I just wondered how people find themselves commenting here if they are over their ex / breakup.
I am happier and have moved on. I still watch PDS videos as I find them informative in hindsight. I have healed and moved on from my ex FA. I still like to learn about the condition. I still have love for him even though I would not rekindle the relationship. Most situations are shades of grey rather than black or white.
I feel like most avoidants are not going to have the hard conversations. Or if they do, they may hear you out, but they'll be shut down while you talk about trying to get your needs met. Or, they'll perceive it as criticism.
Yes, yes, and yes. My avoidant ex had no issues always telling me of the problems I had, and it was real nitpick crap. The moment I would say well x,y,z bothers me with you. She would fold her arms, turn her head or say I'm going home or i want you to take me home. Then her favorite game show of The Silent Treatment would begin. Avoid the Avoidant
I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. They're listening, but they don't want to really hear what I'm saying because they don't actually care about me or my feelings, just meeting their own needs.
@@PerrySkyePhoenix My avoidant ex got back with me last week. Had an amazing first night together, but back to the same crap the next day. I'm on eggshells, I'm constantly defending myself, and wait for it she blocked me everywhere yesterday after an argument she started over something I thought we had already went over earlier in the day.
@@PB-md3nt the reason my ex broke up is because, he said I don't eat enough fruits, and I replied how do you know that, when I don't stay with you? We both had anxious avoidant attachment relationship. And after that I said I don't know why you pick on people, and mostly me. And then said it's not working out. And it's tiring. That snowballed for him. He didn't budge. As an anxious person, I begged him. Profusely said sorry, and yet still. He dropped me like a hat, and that's it. He hardly gave any closure, except he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. That happened within 4-5 days. When I asked how did he stop feeling that way within a day, he said I just want to be at peace. It's been one of the most hurtful, cruel ways someone can discard another person. To think we were talking about marriage and all that 😂.
@@PerrySkyePhoenix That is exactly my experience too. He wouldn’t retain anything I said and would somehow fabricate a reason everything was my fault and only focus on that.
We're reconnecting, and he cant respond quickly to deep conversations, but he doesnt push them away anymore, and always sends me a text after once he's collected his thoughts... I dont wanna get my hopes up too much but im shocked at his growth.
@@janef4701 we're on opposite sides of the world, but we're calling each other partners. I feel its very likely he's only comfortable with a relationship BECAUSE of the distance, and if I moved over there, he'd suddenly run. However, this is a narrative I'm building in my head. I'm going to see him in two months, we'll re-assess from there.
@@janef4701 we're long distance so it's a bit... Unorthodox, but he's really opening up, he's excited to tell his family about us, and he's listening to my insecurities without running. He actually told me yesterday that during no contact he thought about me every single day, and that's how he realized he was in love with me. Turns out no contact, strict, immediate, but done maturely and compassionately really can work. But I don't wanna jinx things and I know anything can change in a heartbeat. But I've also learned I'm just fine without him.
@@daniellediaz2516same but i rushed it because i didn’t know. I’m sure if you took it slower you’d have some degree of success although getting and maintaining a relationship seems not worth it most of the time
Most avoidants will not work on themselves, just like most anxious will not work on themselves. Dont take them back if they are not willing to have the difficult conversations that addresses their sabotaging behaviors.
I strongly disagree regarding anxious will not work on themselves, when in reality anxious people are the first on recognising their issues and as a consequence looking to work on it becoming more secure, whereas avoidants won't commit to heal themselves because that will be requiring self reflection, something that give them the iks...
@@elrincondelcaballeroluna APs are more likely to look for solutions than DAs, however, I also notice that quite a few stop at identifying attachment styles and put their energy into assigning blame to their partner and trying to make them change, rather than self-reflect on where they fall short in healthy relating and working on themselves. All insecurely attached people avoid intimacy, they just have different strategies to protect themselves.
I’m not doing gymnastics and logistics to simply hang out with someone. If they can hang great, but if they treat me with this bul&hit I’m not doing the heavy lifting here.
After 3+ years of hot and cold, him disapearing on me for weeks on end sometimes month's, coming back, rekindling with me.... us trying again and repeating this cycle about 4 times... I'm out this last time when he started pulling away he just wanted to fight with me over ridiculous things like where i park, or he would walking around all day with ear buds in not talking to me and when i tried to talk to him he just got mad..... i tried, i learned, i was patient, i read, i watched videos trying to figure out how to talk to him when he pulls away. After this last episode (its been 3 weeks of scilence) im SO out!!! This is TO much work and my heart cant take the pain anymore of him going away and coming back. Its so sad when it was good it was great, no fighting, we're great together the moment i feel safe that we might go over that hill for somethingling term maybe...that switch goes off in him after 6-8 months and he starts sabotaging, pulls away and goes silent.
I so agree! Round 2 for us and it sounds similar to your situation. It was great, I relaxed and was cautiously optimistic. Then he’d pull away and start sabotaging. Usually more 4 - 5 months in. We’re at 6 months now and he is still there, but I have to do all the work and I can’t do this anymore. He did so great meeting my needs when I expressed them. Still open to having talks now, but super distant. I need to end it. The first time around, I ended it often as an FA. Now that I’m more secure, he probably can’t stand it and needs to destroy it. “I miss you, but I know I’m not good for you” is what he texted after we tried to reconnect and he went silent again. Then we did reconnect… I love him, but I can’t do this anymore.
@@nathalieangela3457 same for me I’m an FA I think it’s the perfect match for DA, we understand avoidance because we understand it’s purpose , we have the anxious aspect that will keep the relationship alive, if we become more secure and the da loves us they will put in the work, because it’s a good match. I’ve broken up with mine for the 3rd time, he’s actually leaving the country but won’t put plans in place for us to do long distance, his problem seems to be his independence which is really fear of depending on me and I abandon him. DAs have big big feelings inside and if they fall in love they have a hard time with fears of abandonment, reason why they don’t want to attach. Tell him you accept him as he is and allow you some time for him to get comfortable with you. Hopefully his walls will come down eventually, life is so short tho.
Stay out. You know it’s going to hurt like hell, but it is nothing compared to the pain he will continue to cause you if you let him back into your life again.
I have a FA who keeps coming back, for 6 years, she'll run away, date someone else, might last a month to three, and then it ends, and she runs back into my life, although I'm just holding her as friends right now, because I cant trust she wont run away again, she had a very traumatic childhood and I've always been very kind to her.
@@LeeChrissy it hasn't been easy, but i understand why she behaves the way she does now, the don't consciously run away, its an overwhelming feeling to make themselves feel safe.
@@macdavy70 I understand. My ex and I are both avoidants who lean both FA and DA. I test secure now, but I know I'm 100% there yet. We pretty much mirror each other although I have been the one to physically leave for a few months. He would shut down, but not like I did. Anyway, he still tells me to this day that he loves and adores me and always will and I to him. I think it makes us both feel safe. We've known each other forever and have witnessed past lovers and the pain we were both put through. We've always had each others back. We just can't make it past the honeymoon stage, so we remain friends. The type of love and safety you're offering her is admirable.
@@LeeChrissy sounds familiar, I was secure and in our first stages, I had never dealt with a FA, and it put me A, I spent some time on Attachment theory and realized she was FA, leans D. So now I have my head around this, I'm approaching her as a Secure friend, but I dearly love her, despite all the damage and trauma I see through it. She very attractive and I suppose I'm one of the few men in her life that never tried to use her, she actually very intelligent and sensitive and she is aware she needs to heal, I just keep supporting her, I try and build her up. I really hope that me giving her this kind of care will help steer her to healing. you as a former FA might understand if that the right thing to do.
As an anxious attachment style. The work that I had to do to finally make sense of the habits of the DA has taken quite the toll on me. I felt like I needed to understand not only myself and my patterns as an anxious, but the habits and behaviors of the DA to finally have the peace of mind of an explanation. Its like I have to do therapy for both me and the DA for me to finally start healing. I cant help but feel bad for the DA because it wasn't as personal as I assumed, and they never asked to be that way. But the hurt is still there and I'm trying my best to manage my own emotions. As and currently recovering anxious attach, I still care about this person, and im debating on if I should try to help them knowing that this person has been feeding into their insecurities? Or would that be self destructive to my own needs and healing?
It will be destructive to your own healing. They are grown ups who would be actually able to see what they are doing wrong if they wanted to. But they refuse to because they are not the ones in pain. You give them power when you care about them while they don't care about you. And that is what they want. The take what they can get without ever giving anything back. The know no empathy or borders of honor hurting others. They can destroy you. It is not worth the risk. I've been with an extreme da maybe a narc ok but one thing I learned is such people do not change
@niclas889 you're right, Regardless of why they are like that, its still harmful to you and could even sabotage your life trajectory of you're not careful, Its best to stay away and deal with someone who wants a relationship and is WILLING to work on it, Everyone has a story, everyone has gone through some painful events in life, or are currently dealing with hell at the moment, Its no excuse for using someone and playing them like that, Relationships with stable people also require work amd patience, why waste that potential with someone who doesn't want you as much as you want them? The pain isn't worth it.
The first thing you need to do for healing is to find it in your heart to have real and sincere compassion for your ex. Just like your anxious insecurities, your ex's insecurities is not their fault - they're acting out a script written for them during childhood. In this sense, it seems you're on the right path, but please stay the course. At the same time, please realize that your ex - and only your ex - can take action toward their transformation. You cannot do this for them and you must be resolute in not taking any part of this responsibility. Sadly, it's easier for most people to maintain habits of maladaptive comfort rather than form emotionally healthier habits. For this reason, no justice is done by you in waiting for your ex to transform. Good luck with your journey...
Why does the reconnection phase need to be so long before moving to the hard conversation phase? I want to find out sooner than later if they are willing to work on things.
I'm a FA/SA and I refuse to wait. Everytime my ex DA tries to initiate us spending time together as more than friends, I remind him that I'm looking for more. These rules where we should wait takes the chance of prolonging the inevitable and take longer to heal if you don't get the answere you're hoping for. It's honestly not worth it. I'd rather be my blunt self and just ask than stay in something that may or may not work.
As an FA, it’s taken me anywhere from 4 weeks to 2 months. The DA I was talking to no longer than 2 months. Insane cycle but I think we’re finally done. The connection was so intense but toxic.
I laughed a little when you said they come back at 6+ weeks no contact. Yep, he’s come back twice now after 6-7 weeks. It’s only been 2 weeks this time and I have a wall up to protect myself. Right now, I have no expectations. But it sounds like I pushed too quickly the first (or second, I’ve lost count) time he came back.
How do I connect with a fearful avoidant I met online? She's an amazing, wise person who is working on herself, we have the same interests, the same vibe, but she is not replying to me. So disappointing,,,
You mentioned in a previous video about them jumping into rebound committed relationships after leaving a long term one… three months of no contact isn’t really going to do much in that case. Can you speak on this?
I'd be curious about the effects of neurodivergent traits mixed in with these. I have ADHD and possible level 1 ASD. I didn't realize those dyregulated outbursts were common and signs of overwhelm, overstiumlation or interruptions. The sensory sensitivities as well. Sigh.
Could you do a video on autism and DA correlations or differences? I dated an avoidant who had a beautiful, safe, connected family (I know - I lived with them), so I'm confused how he ended up so avoidant, but I suspect he's on the spectrum
Oh, if only this video had been posted sooner! In an earlier version of a video where you spoke about reconnecting with a DA post NC, you had actually suggested having the hard conversation after two weeks of reconnecting, which for me was way too soon. Now in this video you’re suggesting to have the hard conversation after two months of reconnecting/dating, so this video assumes you’ve transitioned back into dating before having the hard conversation. Question is, how do you transition from reconnecting into dating? I haven’t made any moves on my ex physically out of respect for their decision to break up, so how do you transition into dating again, wait for your ex to make the first move physically, try to increase the amount of time you spend together, come right out and ask your ex what they want from the reconnection going forward?
I tend to believe “avoidants come back,” is an urban legend. I say this as a therapist who works with many DAs who, maybe 6-12 months after will a break up will think about it… have yet to see one out of the at lease dozens (probably in triple digits) of clients ever do it.
Maybe you talk to the ones who are healthy enough to be getting into therapy. As I said earlier, it would be an unhealthy avoidant who "comes back" and reheats the leftovers, so to speak.
All of my ex’s have come back, this last one I thought never would, but he just reached out to me yesterday after 2-3 months of radio silence. They are tricky as hell.
My ex is a 63 year old divorced avoidant. He said that he has only been to 1 therapy session and that it was a waste of time. He breaks up when we get “too close” and comes back 1-3 months later. What he doesn’t know is that I’m done this time. A person can only trample your heart so many times before the love is gone.
It's been nine months of NC for me after being dumped. for another. I don't think my FA ex will try to come back. He texts occasionally about casual things : co-workers, the dog, etc. Knowing him, I think he feels guilty as he tried to minimize the relationship. He wanted to date another, and remain friends. Nope. I have finally healed and have moved on. We had our time, four years of a mostly good relationship/situationship. Although I still have love for him, the relationship was too exhausting and confusing. I am happier now. I doubt he has done any healing work. I wish him well.
9 months after the break up he never contacted me again..of course he watches my sories...sometimes likes one of my pics, and posts a meaningful song avout us...but nothing else! I never met such an extrêmely avoident person. I gave up a long time ago. Life goes on and beautiful things are coming my way!
does it make a difference how long you knew each other? because i think emotional depth plays a bigger role than the timeframe? its just been 4 months seeing each other before she ghosted me. but on the other hand, i had a relationship breakup after 3 years and didnt feel the same pain at all.
Is anyone else’s DA brutally honest, prides themselves in being so, being “a man”? I’m not referring to defending themselves during an argument, but generally speaking saying things they shouldn’t say that may trigger jealousy or hurt or resentment in you just during conversation, but they don’t see anything wrong with it because they’re “open and honest.“ I’m not sure if this is an avoidant thing or just my DA’s personality. Thank you.
@@rearose8127 possible but I don’t think so. Probably was spoken to that way and/or witnessed it so that’s all they know. Seems to be an avoidant thing. Also, a masculine wound. 😔
It's crap being an avoident. If the engine oil is the negative pressure, anxious, nervous standoffish feeling, then the happy excited butterfly feelings are the engine coolant and with AP both fluids are mixed together when they should have separate closed off systems for the engine to run healthily. For want of a better analogy.
I’ve been putting a whole lot into my healing journey as anxious avoidant, and I gotta say that I am so happy that I have taken the time to really work on myself, and I’m becoming the best version of myself for myself & future partner.
You talk about avoidant attachment style being developed in childhood. Can somebody become avoidant as an adult after a narcissistic abuse marriage with trauma bonding and potential PTSD?
Ti, I'm amazed that I've done this before watching this video. It came to me naturally. I believe I am finally healing!!!!! Thank you for being you!!!!! It's a great help!
And on another channel, they said a DA will never reach out when you are in no contact even if they miss you because they don't ever allow themselves to be that vulnerable so now I don't know what to think and its been 9 months
did no contact for two months, he texted me the other day out of the blue asking me how my life was going and now he keeps randomly texting me but not addressing the problem.
I was going to do the reach out after 6+ weeks of NC, but she unfriended me on fb after 5 weeks NC because it was my birthday. Does this mean I should give it some more time first? Does the unfriending mean anything? Context, met 10 months ago, both had a crush for 5 months then dated 3, everything seemed perfect, no communication, she broke it off saying she was scared of being hurt when I asked if we were official, and never saw her again. She has childhood abandonment wound.
ive been no contact with girlfriend almost 3 weeks !!! today I accidentally butt called her and instantly hung up !!! did this break no contact ??? should I text her to say it was a butt call ??? or do nothing and continue no contact ??? Plesae help !!!
Avoid avoidants at all costs. You will end up traumatized, anxious and confused. Love and caring and being the perfect partner won't change anything. What a royal waste of time!
Is No Contact different than when they Stonewall and Ice Out? All my attempts to Repair and communicate was perceived as Abuse of their Boundary of Ice out. Even if I wanted us to practice giving empathy to transparent vulnerability. Sigh. I was told I'm abusive by desperately wanting to Repair n reconcile or have better closure.
6 months and the no contact and radio silence is going strong.. 😂 Don't care anymore... have ensured to work on myself. Healing is in progress and I am confident I will get there. If the avoidant has the audacity to pull something off like this after 10 yrs, so be it. Do whatever the heck you want. Let me live my life. You live your frigging life .. Goodbye!!
No way I'm waiting 6 months. Both ppl need to change if she's not changing n.. I'm sitting here waiting what am I doing?? 2nd break up and multiple therapy sessions but once again she tells me all the issues at the break up wen I tell her I can't do this anymore why??? Now she's askes for space. 2 weeks later she stays in contact but says she's not ready.
The guy I presume is avoidant that I’ve been seeing sent me this text…..if he is an avoidant how much is time will he need? Brian. I’m not responding to get into a conversation. I just want to put you at some ease. Everything was real. I really like you. I just need some time. I don’t know yet if I can be the man you need. I need to figure that out. I don’t know how long. I’m sorry if that leaves you hanging.
My ex I definately think has avoidant attachment style but his ex wife cheated on him and in the divorce she also took a lot from him. So although we’re the ones picking up the pieces, the sad in all this , is understanding what they’ve been through. Not everyone is doing this on purpose
1 year and he never came back so don't wait om this...get your life back and take control. They don't sort of their shit leave them behind and live your best life.
I have no idea that he is avoidant or not but we are not in relationship yet. He always say he does not know what he wants in life but he really likes me. Always void hard conversation with me every time i tried to make it I tried to have deep conversation with him he always avoid. I see him getting annoying me.
Thank you! And very very helpful for where I am at right now don’t want to continue this cycle and you’re giving good points… I got distracted with the advertisement for the course and then he went back into explaining the steps so I’m listening to it for the third time… I am a singing teacher and I was just curious about the voice breaking… Check with a voice therapist regarding full abduction of the vocal folds … You have a lot of good points I missed what you were saying that I avoidant will fall in love in their own space? Thank you for your help
Merci beaucoup Cyrille pour cette vidéo, ils sont forts pour le marketing fait pour peau sensible… parfum naturelle à base d’huile essentielle 🤦♀️ au Canada c’est très populaire et ça me tue a chaque fois en mode, mais pourquoi vous sabotez vous même vos produits 😅 Niveau solaire on a pas grand choix, ma peau sensible tolère uniquement ceux de Laroche posay, et certains de Vichy (Avène et Bioderma j’ai fait de grosse réaction 🤷♀️). SVR nous n’avons pas leurs solaires (normes canadienne) et plusieurs de leurs produits. Le défaut du blur que j’entends régulièrement (que j’ai pu essayé grâce à une amie qui en avait ramener d’Europe) c’est la couleur du produit, il me donne vraiment un drôle de teint à cause de la couleur 😅 On doit écouter la science et arrêter avec le « mais c’est naturelle, naturelle c’est mieux » ! 🤦♀️
Are you trying to work it out or go no contact to get over him and leave? I date DA's, but I wouldn't do this if we were committed under the same roof. Best you can do is to focus on yourself more by doing the things you love and make you happy. I can't imagine purposely ignoring my partner. If that was done to me I'd leave.
