My mother made many recipes. She chooses best ingredients. Everyday everyone enjoys her meal. We believed she could've won cooking contest, she tried and did win. (22 words)
My mother made many recipes and chose the best ingredients. Her meals cooked every day were enjoyed by everyone. My family believed she could win a cooking contest. One day she tried, and a judge announced that she won. (39)
Fine herbs, fresh vegetables, and a little love: my mother's championship recipe. (12 words) This is a good lesson and one that beginning writers need to hear. However, some of these commenters seem to have misunderstood. Be concise, yes, but not at the risk of sounding like Alexa reading a grocery list. I must say I'm not exactly fond of the sentence I made (it's too concise for my taste) but I really liked the challenge of cutting things down to bare minimum and wanted to see what I could do. Fine Herbs, Fresh Vegetables: This is not overly specific, but still gives more detail than just "ingredients." A little love: A very homey way to show that the mother puts effort and care into her cooking. It also can be inferred that she shares it with those she loves, her family and friends. My mother's championship recipe: This shows two things- that this is only one of her recipes and that she won a competition with this recipe. This one sentence gets across the basic ideas of the original paragraph. Though if I were to truly write it my way... Bottles of tumeric, clover, and thyme line the kitchen walls of my childhood home. My mother cuts into another slice of zucchini with a slunk. The peppery scent of a boiling broth wafts through the air. "Wait," I say, "didn't you win some conest making this?" Her lips twitch into a smile. "Yes. Indeed I did." This is obviously longer and definitely a narrative style of writing, but this is how I would write the scene. All this to say: being concise is important, but not as important as being compelling.
@@MrSnazzy682Alexa is a computer programmed assistant who tends to be concise when she speaks. She's robotic. That was my meaning when I referenced her.
Many recipees were made by my mother. Her meals were enjoyed by everyone. She won a cooking contest. (18 words) Is this good? Especially for scientific writing.
Mine is better: My mother made many recipes, and she chose the best ingredients. Every family member enjoyed what she cooked every day: they thought she could win a cooking contest. Once, she competed and won. (33 words)
Is this good for scientific writing? As you know they don't care about emotion in writing, just straight up direct communication. Many recipees were made by my mother. Her meals were enjoyed by everyone. She won a cooking contest. (18 words)
@@josephstar1883 Your version is uncompelling. First, all sentences have the same structure and similar length, leading to monotony. Second, you use the passive voice, which is less lively than the active voice. Third, I agree that writers need to define their goals for writing. If intending to report facts, then your approach is fine, though the prose is bland. But since this exercise is a rewriting of the original passage-where you should retain its original meaning-you cannot cut as many details as you have. And you cannot ask about how your passage works in the context of scientific writing. Would you really be writing about your mother in a scientific paper?
“Each family member thought that she would win” is confusing because “she” can describe the family member or the mom. Sometimes removing words can waste the reader’s time
Amazing video! This is My rendition of the paragraph: My mother has many recipes up her sleeve. She had a knack for choosing good ingredients. Every day, she cooked great meals everyone loved. My family believed she could win in a cooking contest. One day, she competed and won-over the judges. any feedback? Thanks,
Too many unnecessary phrases like "up her sleeve" and "knack for." Here's my version: My mother made many recipes, and she chose the best ingredients. Every family member enjoyed what she cooked every day: they thought she could win a cooking contest. Once, she competed and won. I am an undergrad at the University of Chicago btw. English major.
Cutting out words, aka "wordiness," also cuts out the flow, the momentum of a smooth read. When things become concise, it feels like you're stopping for no reason, only to pick up again and then stop again. Rinse and repeat. Overall, it feels like something is missing. 06:47 The "updated" conciseness of Michael falling in love reads like an instruction manual. When conciseness is written all over a book, it's as enjoyable as reading a manual on how to connect your 486 to a dot matrix printer. It's incredibly dull. People who pick up a book to read already expect there to be words, *lots of them.* Reading concise sentences like your example is jarring.
