Too often the church's message about singleness is aimed at the "pre-marriage" crowd. What about middle-aged and older adults who are single due to divorce, widowhood, or those who have never married. There are a lot of us!
I'm a divorced Christian who left an abusive husband (that's a whole other story by itself). My daughters are married with their own families...and there I was, trying to find a church where I didn't feel like an immediate outsider. It was painful every week walking into the church by myself ... and walking out by myself. Even though everyone was cordial, I was keenly aware that I did not "fit." I still recall that last Sunday when I determined I'd not go back again. That was about 5-6 years ago. By no stretch of the imagination is today's church reflective of the book of Acts. We are a far cry from what Christ intended.
I understand where you're coming from. I've been tempted to leave myself, but then I remember that the devil doesn't want me there either. I press into God at those times and try to refocus on Him. Seeking His wisdom and guidance through it.
Thank you for doing this. It shines a light on an important message the church is ignoring. I was single for a long time as well as a Christian. I rarely felt comfortable in church. At best I was ignored. I felt like a black sheep in a sea of fluffy white sheep. At best I was ignored at worst like your speaker said I was broke and needed to be fixed. The church is missing out. Half of all households today are single. The church continues to bank on a model from the 50s centered on families which doesn't reflect today's America. Ministers seem focused on that old model and the church experience and not on Christ.
fixing the root issue I think starts in the churches where they can / need to do A LOT better. it’s all about worship & giving Glory to God Almighty, preachers & parents / family need to encourage young people to feel welcome & know church is a very important place to have in your schedule simply for the congregation & group worship. we know we must praise God all day every day, always grow a relationship with Him, learn His law & live by it. strive everyday to be more Christlike. if more young people truly live for God all week all year long I know the “dating crisis” would be improved.
also any single person nmw age needs to feel welcomed & actually visible! It’s been on my spirit to find a good church & reach out to those people who might be older & need help with things at their house. also if needed I would start a Bible study so people who feel ignored at church would see they do have a group of godly people they can spend time with & grow closer to the LORD learning the teachings of His Majesty & having a calm quiet setting to share anything they want with people they trust to get godly advice or wisdom. One Love ❤
It’s not just the older single females, but also the older single males that are treated as second class citizens within the church. As the pastor said several times, he’s never noticed or given it a thought. That’s part of the problem …the marrieds have never noticed or given it a thought either. Kind of difficult for a well fed person to understand what a starving person is feeling.
You're right. I left the largest church in my city. One reason: singles, male & female, over 40 or over 50 became invisible. Long story. Felt suicidal at times, as have many. Not unique to me. It's a 'young go-getters' church; young people, students, young families, plus some older couples (higher earners - their money is handy). And while the pastor etc is 'reaching out to the community' there's a whole 'community' of older singles who are ignored, forgotten, neglected, inconvenient, just not 'hip, trendy and cool' any more. Past our Sell By date. This is the picture in so many of today's Church. A change in priorities has resulted in many lonely, isolated older singles, & it's just not right.
As a single christian I stopped going to church going on 4 years. The biggest reason is well, nobody ever said it directly but single people are not welcomed at church. We’re often seen as a threat to someone’s marriage when you try to socialize, another big reason is all the Bible Study groups are more often than not married couples, the groups that go do things are married couples, the Sunday schools are married couples, if you show up single to any of these they often get little uncomfortable. Then there’s the sermons the sermons are always directed at married couples, they’re often about marriage and single people can’t relate because they are not married, and often you just wonder what’s the point. I haven’t been back to church in so long because of these reasons and I’d love to go back one day but I can’t bring myself to do so. 😢
Hi, and YES! You're right. I'm 61 now, and I'm still seen as a potential threat by some wives, to their marriages, so yes - they exclude us. I'm SICK of this attitude! I have NO designs on anyone's husband! So immature and downright selfish. Married couples getting together socially, but no one bothers with the single men and women over 40 or 50. Forces us into isolation. Very wrong. I don't go to 'church' much now. I'm just so tired of how ignored, neglected we are, and his we obviously don't matter, and are virtually invisible. I really don't want to be so negative, but this is the experience of so many of us. Not just me. I know how other men & women feel. Same. And I can't see it changing. God help us, because no one else will!
@@susandumbill8805 what you call negativity I call reality, and what you say is more true than anything else. Often I would sit in the back closet to the exit and usually during the last prayer I’d be so heart broken I’d just slip out while literally no one was looking. Some cases I’d slip out half way through the service especially if it was centered around marriage. And yes I would say God help us because no one else will. But I wouldn’t give a dime for our chances either. He blesses those who are married seems He curses those who aren’t everyone else does why should He be any different?
@@ianfortuna9385 The apostle Paul was single, one of the most prolific writers in the Bible. He was extremely blessed. He actually said it's better to be married than single in some respects. “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9).
Mother’s Day service - 4 person panel on the experiences of each women being a mother, and gods work in it. Father’s Day service - quote: ‘it’s basically like groundhog day’ - soap on a rope day
@@TyreeceBrownTV and you should not get told to man up. Being alone without strong, kind, safe, Christ centered community is dangerous for men and women. The church is failing.
Let's not narrow this into singles in a certain age group. I'm 55, never married, born again, ministry leader, author, healed from tragedy, grew up a nice girl, loved school, graduated with honors, teen model, well spoken, kind, very active( fitness trainer in the tropics), still attractive by any standards. Churches these days do not get what singles need at all.
I never married due to being crippled at twenty. Lots of people assume I must be a career driven girl boss with lots of disposable income who has fun flying around the world all the time. Fact is I am forced to live with my parents on disability and seldom leave the house.
@@StewBedazzle-876 With those kinds of accolades and qualities she would have had a near limitless amount of men trying to make her their wife. Unless of course there's more to the story..............
Thank you for doing this topic. Being a woman in my mid 60s having never been married or have children. Church is difficult because it's ALL about "the family" and I don't fit.
Appreciate your response and am certain if you can get the community church leadership on board of creating single groups in their churches, single members will appreciate and thrive. Unfortunately, it won't help me where I am. God bless you in the pursuit~
I hope some great people who are striving everyday to be Christlike & humble servants of God that make you feel welcome / not alone at the very least, decide to go to your church. also desire to make everyone in that position be included & grow closer to God / work for the Kingdom as a group whenever yall are together! I am young but I have been alllll alone for my early twenties so I do feel for those people. I’ve been looking for a church to go to. I’m hearing many of them need some light! I have good plans with a desire to help / teach the community mainly to grow our relationships with God Almighty! I hope some humble disciples of Christ make it to your church ❤
Some Single men are leaving because the church isn't being honest and real on what us single men go through. Thats why we gravitate towards the red and black pill online.
I left Women don’t talk to you Men are too scared to talk to you if their wife is there And your LEFT OUT OF EVERYTHING had enough Walking in sitting alone Hurts too much💔💔💔
@@chrisquiring So do i However as for now it’s too much for me to go I just feel so left out of everything…… I am a widow and that makes it hard too… as I met my husband in church … it’s already been 18 years . I was a young widow and I just closed that chapter of my life. It just brought ALOT of confusion in my walk with the Lord. Especially when you see people meeting and getting remarried again in such short time frames. That ones especially hard . I go to church to connect with people and other believers….. I just leave feeling more disconnected😞😞😞😞So I don’t go anymore.
Everything you mentioned are my exact experiences and thoughts! Im 41 and the amount of hoops single women experience just to have normal interactions or participate normally in ministry is exhausting. The emphasis and abuse by leaders regarding honor and submission has been a theme these last couple of years for me. If I were to have a spouse I know I wouldn’t have been as vulnerable to this kind of manipulation. It hurts because I just wanted to serve. I don’t want anyone’s spouse, I’m not seeking a man at church, and really desire Christian fellowship as I come to church by myself and always leave by myself. I just can’t anymore. I often feel worse and more lonely leaving than when I came in. I know not everyone in the church is like this but the overall culture has become unlike Christ regarding loving each other, including each other, and actually “seeing” each other. The elevated place the church has assigned to married people and family has been hard to sit under as well. Thank you for your comment. It resonated with me so much.
Also....something no one seems to talk about enough....is the fact that being a mom and bearing a child is portrayed as like the ultimate of being a woman. So, if you're a woman who hasn't had a child, plan on feeling like less of a woman for the rest of your life regardless of how well you can do anything else.
Same thing as a man. The idea is that the fullness of masculinity is providing for a wife and family, and if you haven't attained that yet, you're less manly and on a lower moral and value tier. In my experience, it's very pervasive. I think it is true, actually, that marriage would be better in terms of living for Christ, unless you have the gift of singleness. That makes singleness tough for me. However, I know the years of affliction are going to be repaid in full and a lot of people haven't had this affliction, which gives me unique experience and spiritual credentials.
This was very good. I'm a single woman in my 40's. I definitely relate to being called too picky or that there is something wrong with me because I wouldn't settle for man that I knew wasn't a good match. I really would have liked if could have talked more about single woman being seen as a temptress/ threat. I've struggled a lot with this throughout my life.
Thanks for reaching our Kelly! I'm so sorry you've experienced the same thing in your life, but know that you are in good company with some amazing people! That sounds like another worthwhile issue to explore! Maybe in another conversation soon!
That has been my EXACTLY!!! Women don’t talked to you as you are perceived as a threat and men don’t approach you for this reason either which equals going to church and talking to no one …… it’s very painful and very lonely….. women talk in their own circles and you are excluded from it all😢😢😢
It depends on the specific church. Mine is well balanced between married couples and singles. Most of the older singles are divorced or widowed. I do not detect any fear of temptress mindsets among the married couples. We also have a large number of people, both single and married, who are in recovery from alcohol and drugs!
I've experienced a lot of what Sheena talks about, but what took years to figure out was that, a married person just doesn't understand that it's hard just to turn up every week on your own, or go to church social events on your own, if you are in the minority, and singles are always in the minority. SO even if a church doesn't do most of the ridiculous things mentioned above, it's always a hard road for singles in the church, unless you have a lot of single friends who go to the same church. One thing I'm dealing with now is the churches use of the word "family" . When there's no kids church in my church, and the kids are in with everyone else, it's called "Family Sunday". Church leaders have said it's doesn't mean that service is only for families but it mean's God's family is all together. Ok, but........I've asked the leadership why they don't call it that then? Family together, all ages etc etc. I've pointed out that EVERY Sunday we meet as God's family, whether there are kids there or not and they agree with this. I've tried to explain that from my point of view as a single, to only call this one Sunday "family Sunday", implies it's only God's family when there are "earthly" family units there. But no one is able to make the connection because for them, they are with their families on that day so they are muddling up the idea of God's family, with the family unit. It's been incredibly alienating for me. As Sheena says, words matter.
I know some Christian married couples have gone to 'Marriage Seminars'. There are teachings in some places about 'How to affair-proof you marriage'. Is that why they won't offer us hospitality? Is that why they hold us at arm's length sometimes?! That can drive us singles into isolation & extreme loneliness, suicidal thoughts & feelings. I've even stopped meeting with some of these silly wives, who won't bring their husbands to my house when I invite them both round, who won't come even by themselves, it's always got to be in a cafe, with a strict time limit, as if I'm some kind of serial husband-stealer or criminal who has to be treated with caution, & they only feel 'safe' with in 'a public place'! I'm even afraid now to ask how one lady's husband is, in case she thinks I might have designs on him.
Single guy in his 30s here. Part of it is what I call the paradox of abundance- basically, some people will kick away someone who hits only 7/10 of their must haves because there might be someone who has 8/10. In my case, I have had the tables MASSIVELY stacked against me: high-functioning autism, bullied, not being able to make long-lasting friendships because either my dad would sabotage them or they'd leave because of the military (they'd leave, I'd stay). I turned to organized religion in my late teens and into my 20s and 30s for purpose and for possibly a relationship. I had a few, but they went nowhere, and a LOT of rejections and heartbreaks in between. Basically, it felt like I've had to have the "right" job, the "right" family background, the "right" friends, the "right" etc. And I experienced that even in trying to make friends. And that was what ultimately led me to leave organized religion altogether, was lack of social support and as is relative to this video, lack of dating prospects.
Man, that sounds like a difficult run. Sorry Greg! I know the church can do better in this area, and I hope one day you'll connect with the right people who understand what it's like to be single in the church. Thanks for connecting.
Not saying this to sound mean but there’s really not much difference between women inside the church and outside of it. Even the ones inside the church could be just as picky and have unrealistic standards
@@stevenirizarry9427 that is true. But in secular dating, they don’t hide behind the veneer of faith to justify the pickiness and unreasonable standards.
@@stevenirizarry9427 What unreasonable standards do you speak of? I'm single, 29, and have a few friends around my age who are single and we are not overly picky when it comes to things like looks and wealth. But, interestingly enough, even within our Christian faith there are plenty of men that completely lack any sort of relationship skills, empathy, are self centered, rude, crass, disrespectful, etc. Not to mention that in any relationship you need to have a regular connection, an emotional connection, be able to have fun together, you need to get eachother, have similar interests and views on life, morals and values, work ethic, agree on lifestyle and raising children, etc. It's a lot, it's almost a miracle anyone finds a match. But yes, the older we get the harder it is and at my age I do feel like I don't belong anywhere.
I disagree again with the fact that Men don’t get questioned about they’re biological clocks or pressure on when they will get married. I’m confident I can say this because as a 40 yr old man not married and no kids, it’s not a month that doesn’t go by that I don’t receive these comments. In fact, because I’m so private, I distant myself from people in the church and intentionally avoid volunteering to take part in many ministries within the church because I know this question is going to get brought up. I also make excuses not to go to any church functions with members outside the church, because I’m aware in a intimate setting with many people around the question of Are you married? or do you have any kids will get brought up? As a matter of fact, because I’m to myself most people in the church, especially those that work in the church think I’m some kind of player that lives a very promiscuous secret life outside the church and that I’m just being low key about it. I’ve had nosy people at my local church insinuate comments like this to me in conversation because they don’t believe that a well put together man ( and I mean this humbly with humility) with no wife and kids could be content waiting on God and wanting a wife but not necessarily looking for it and trusting God that he’ll send it to me my way soon when I’m ready. They assume that I’m some play boy outside the church because there is No Way he could look like this and not be doing something outside the church without people knowing. I don’t give them any information about my personal life. I’m a private person, no social media, just working hard trying to get to the next level of my life.
Wow, I thought it was just me. I'm 34 and this has been my experience since my mid 20s as a single man in church. I'm also a high functioning autistic which makes it worse from a social standpoint. Socially awkward and single are an awful combination in a church setting.
To be really honest, I really respect my single brothers, because I know they struggle with this imposed isolation too by the church. Personally, I think it's awful how people speculate all sorts about the motives and lives of single men, as if they're a serious liability, or are sexual predators. They're NOT! I'm a very sociable person, and like to talk to men and women of all ages. I get along with two very decent brothers who treat me with care and respect, and although I don't see them that often, when I do, it's always really good to sit and have a sensible chat, without worrying about husband or wife stealing!! They treat me like a sister, and have no idea how healing that is for me, having had some v bad boyfriends before I was a Christian. Also, they don't behave or touch me in a sexually inappropriate way. Only the elders and pastors do that! You wouldn't believe what they try on if you're a single woman! Dirty bastards is what they are!!! So, thank you for your comment. I really do hope good things happen for you.
I'm a woman with the same issues. Thank you for explaining it so well. I'm vibrant, full of His life, a speaker, fitness trainer, have lots of opportunities, and people don't want to get to know me for me at church. Been around the world for Jesus. Served Him far more than most in America- not being arrogant, but have purposefully suffered and sacrificed for many years to grow my spiritual life, and not take the easy way out-- and have also experienced extreme tragedy at the hands of my parents growing up which cost me my career ( scholarships awards etc). People in the church don't care about your character-- just if you're too vibrant or kind or capable, they'll not take you seriously.
15 small groups at my church. 2 for grief share. 12 for couples. 1 for singles (with half the group married or living together). I fit in more in a foreign country than I did at my home church.
Walking into a church as a single is like walking into a family reunion as a stepchild. People will smile and speak but you know it's all for show and that you'll never truly be part of the "family".
Singleness post-college is really difficult or at least it can be. Not just in church but in public. It’s hard to do things by yourself. Like going to a sports game, or a movie, or a restaurant, or a theme park, or traveling. Obviously, you won’t be able to find friends to do things with you all the time, especially when more and more people around you get married. It also seems like it’s becoming more and more difficult to find other Christian young adult single friends. I think there’s just less people like this in the Church than there were 40 years ago. But I’ve learned that you can’t let those feelings of what other people think of you make you miss out on life. You also have to learn to enjoy doing things by yourself and not become consumed with loneliness. The silver lining to all of these things is that it forces you to find your sufficiency in Christ alone. It makes you find your satisfaction in Christ and not in a relationship. The world tells you in movies that you watch growing up that a relationship or being married will make you supremely happy or satisfied. But this is just a lie from the devil. Many people have become divorced because they went into marriage believing this lie instead of being satisfied in Christ first. I also wish people would stop spreading the lie that just because you have a desire to be married and have a family, that one day you will be given those things. This is unbiblical and only hurts people. This is like saying that because I have a desire to be wealthy to give money to the poor that one day God is going to provide me with this. It’s just the prosperity gospel with a noble twist to it.
Too many times, church services have themes that are focused on the married couples. Go to a church service closest to Valentines Day. The pastor always asks married, engaged, or dating couples to stand up and be recognized. Mother's Day, all mothers please stand up. Father's Day, all fathers stand up. Church is so focused on marriage and family at the neglect of those without families or a spouse. Pastors even shoehorn mentioning their wife or their marriage into a sermon that has nothing to do about marriage.
I've talked to churches about this. Stood in front of pastors and marrieds and reminded them Paul was single and said it's better to be single. Still is according to the Word. Singles should run most churches. Having more time, needing more to put our energy into that is of God. Marrieds are distracted and have a place to put their energy, their spouse. If singles put their energy in the world, it's dangerous for many of them.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Paul's lifestyle is impractical for most people as I've observed the vast majority can't do it. There was a girl in may HS that could beat any guy in arm wrestling. You can't make policy for the rest of the women based on her alone. The situation you propose as Paul did doesn't apply to most people and as evidenced by the Bible itself, single/celibate people were an extreme minority. The situation is really screwed up today with most single people wishing they had someone and unable to get that.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I was widowed when 39 years old, I was overwhelmed by how it feels to be "single" in church. It's somewhat uncomfortable and I feel like a prey to the older single men that are in church. And I knew from a friend that has been single a long time how hard it is to be single in church, but then it happened to me as well when my husband died. Where do I fit? I am bow a single mom as well. I cannot attend smallgroups without having a babysitter. So many different groups that fall outside of the cultural frames.
I totally disagree that the people at your local church that are trying to set you up with someone “Legitimately Mean Well” - I’m confident that they’re just being very nosy and very evasive. What people need to understand is that Everything is Not for everyone. I have a different temperament than most in the local church. So when people approach me or do this to me at church I put them in their place in disrespectful manner that causes them to back off and re think if they should ever approach me with that topic again. I hate it!
"Singleness is not a punishment." Usually folks who lecture on singleness got married before 25 and tell you one of two things. "God is keeping you single as punishment for horrible sins like unchastity, pickiness (picking your nose too much), idolatry of marriage, not loving Jesus as much as the rest of us, not feeling large enough quantities of contentment, delight or joy." Or they say, "God is waiting till you are both ready. You just haven't learned to be holy enough, spiritual enough, pure and loving enough, joyful enough. Or tell God you are willing to be single forever if He wills. I did that at 22 and just three days later God sent my perfect hubby into my life. Blah, blah, blah. Look at how spiritual and holy and superior and perfect I am."
i was confronted with "are you living for yourself or for God" guilty trip by a crusty old fart of a priest I was already in rebellion mode and declared defiantly I am going to live for myself then walked away from the church for good 11 years later Im married to a nonbeliever and have energetic 3 year old
Most Christian women, want the same type of over 6ft chad who makes 6 figures in income. What about us average single men who dont measure up? What are we supposed to do? Smh.
It may be getting even worse for me now. I quit a good paying job to search for employment that I get satisfaction from, which will most likely be a lot less money. Also, practicing being more of a minimalist and throwing out half the stuff I own. Women will view me as just some poor popper ha
Really appreciated this video. This is an area people don’t like talking about. I am single and 40. No kids. I continue to attend church because I believe it is the right thing to do. But it is obvious people wonder what is wrong. Being short and bald I’m sure has something to do with it. It’s almost to the point of marriage idolatry.
Thank you for making this point! I've said the exact thing - marriage and family (while lovely things) are idolised to the point of being used to exclude 'outsiders' in the church. It's unhealthy and unworthy of Christ.
Pastor Doug Wilson (as well as others) say that celibacy is a gift and that singleness is an affliction. The Church (more often than not) conflate the two, much to the detriment of single Christians. It was such a relief to finally hear a Christian leader honestly and compassionately address the injustice the church has perpetrated on singles (perhaps unknowingly) since as long as any of us can remember. I think a lot of single Christians eventually stop going to church not because they no longer enjoy worshiping God, but, because they've grown weary of the unintended subtle and incessant ostracization. After all, the church is the last place one wants to go to feel "alone in a crowd". One can't really blame the church because they really don't realize there's a problem. I don't know if it's allowed, but, here is a link to one of Pastor Wilson's short videos on the subject.... ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-8uV-aSbX_lg.html
Churches need to be proactive in helping single Christians find marriage partners. If they don’t, they have NO RIGHT to tisk tisk or look upon singles narrowly as they venture outside the church for a marriage partner. I am so utterly disappointed and disgusted with today’s churches and their utter laziness and abject willing ignorance on this issue.
They like to hammer parents that "Christianity is only ever one generation from dying out", MY BROTHER IN CHRIST, AT THIS RATE THERE WILL BE NO NEXT GENERATION AT ALL.
Again I totally Disagree and I sincerely mean Disagree that Men don’t feel the pressure or same pressure of what single women feel when getting antagonized by church members on their single status.
Honestly, I know the church teaches and preaches about getting involved in community, but for me right now, I’m loving Not participating in any church ministries. I’m loving Not saying No to people at church to come over their house or participate in recreational activities outside of church Just so I can avoid the married with kids question. I’m actually having fun spending time and isolating myself from everyone. Because it’s not worth the headache no more and not worth me cussing someone in the face for asking me the same question over and over again.
Sometimes a little distance is healing for sure! Thanks for your honesty Amir. So often people have no idea how frustrating those same questions all the time can be...
Oh and its worse when you are disabled, have multiple medical bills and unable to put any coins in the "offering basket". You basically get treated like sh*t. I have enough experiences from myself and others to write several books on this.
@@JMarie-th8xe and what about this has fixed any of the problem? . Warfare against what? People have been doing this for decades. Spiritual warfare is a way to shut us up. As soon as we start to expose, we are told we don't do these things, that's why we don't see change, when in reality it's because no one gives and shares with the poor and no one speaks up about it. It's time to lay down the spiritual warfare and just start doing what you damn well know to do.
@@JMarie-th8xe and for the record the devil hasn't gotten me down. I'm not afraid of his ass. It's the people who oppress over and over, not the devil.
16:00 dead on 👌🏻I often feel challenged by my fellow Christians that I'm not trying hard enough at not being single, because I would like to be in a relationship but it just hasn't happend yet.
This language of "waiting", is odd to me. We start life single, we end life single, and in heaven we will be single. Paul praised singleness 1 Corinthians 7. Jesus was single. Marriage is the time marking period in between being single.
Single/celibate people in the Bible were few and fr between. Jesus had a specific mission and that was to die for humanity. Daniel was castrated by Nebuchadnezzer (he doesn't count).
One has to have respect for both marriage and singleness. The only people who did not descend from family are Adam and Eve. Everyone since them has lived through both states as real and legitimate human beings.
Personally having met you I would see you as young 20s❤. Being almost 52 and never married, but having taken the wrong path the majority of my life and having children out of wedlock and being shamed for it by my former church congregation I prefer salvation and singledom as I await the best bridegroom God can offer❤
I find church no real pull for me to go anymore as a single. I just would be doing other things then being around people who are married and who just talk about married life all the time!
I think this way, when at church, your being is for the church. Be open to being part of everyone and everything in the church. Don't stsnd there clinging to yiur spouse. Be available for the ehole church and the people there. It's the reasonable duty of all Christians. We aren't married in heaven. At church, worshiping Him for 2 hours is about Him, and all of us are to be available for all the church.
What a great podcast. Thanks for making this. I don't personally believe in love, so this doesn't really apply to me. However, I still love to hear from people. I've gotten hurt at too many churches now that I'm done, I won't be going back to another church. But I still love to hear different people's perspectives on why or why not they're going to church. It's very interesting to see and hear real individuals talk about their experiences.
I go to a mega church in Minnesota. We sound Canadian by the way. Not once have i been approached to be set up. Even when I went to a smaller church, it never happened there either. At least people found you to be valuable in the dating world. As of now, the mega church allows me to blend in and be left alone...
Celibacy is a "gift". But, let's be honest, undesired singleness is an affliction. If one deeply desires to be married, they don't have the gift of celibacy as the Apostle Paul did. They have an undesired continual "affliction" like Paul had. While I might wish there were a different answer than the one God gave Paul in that circumstance, I'm inclined to believe it's the same. It would be a good thing however, if the Church would find it within itself to stop rubbing salt in the wounds of those so afflicted. They don't realize that most Christian singles grieve the loss of something they never had, sometimes on a daily basis. The grief is most pronounced on Sundays and during the holiday season. For those who can't see the problem, imagine taking a really nice dish to a church potluck dinner and when the blessing has been said and it's time to eat, a leader comes over to you and tells you to go sit at a table apart from everyone else and that you aren't allowed to eat any of the food, you can only sit and watch everyone else eat all the delicious food while they are seemingly unaware that you are even present in the room, how would you feel? That is the best illustration/analogy I can draw to describe how many, if not, most Christians who are involuntarily single feel when they attend church. They aren't bitter towards or blame the church. They just have to acknowledge that is the reality of their situation, while "wondering why" offers no solace.
The church could do something radical, like working the problem. They work other issues quite handily, helping married people issues, addiction, but with singles it is "aw shucks." Even if they create a singles group, tend to push a narrow mindset of gift of singleness, and don't support the group, hide it, and don't encourage membership. And they don't accept that most want to find someone, and address it from that perspective. There is little worse that a group of people that treat your cares as trivial, but here is my issue we need your help with.
@@icecold9511 , yes I agree. I should have mentioned that I really don't just see this issue as only a "church" problem. It seems to happen in other social organizations and situations as well. To some extent, sadly, I've even noticed it at large family reunions. There is hope though, yesterday, I saw a facebook post by a church that said that they consider it an "emergency" situation if anyone notices any person standing around not talking to anybody before or after a worship service or other church function. I found that somewhat encouraging.
most single men left the church a while ago, so who else is left who would be leaving? single women. the marrieds aren't going anywhere. I will also add folks who tend to marry early, ie, 20s do not seem to understand that 'IT' doesn't always happen for others in their 20's too...it may be 40's and 50's before IT happens. And thats ok
Oh, yes, marrieds see you as a threat. Not much Jesus in them. Never invite you to get to know you. When I was young people did this in our culture. Not anymore, been decades. Heaven forbid a woman actually invite you to her home with her family and be a kind friend. Because, yiure too pretty, you're too capable, yiure too kind, yiure too good of a conversationalist, ...
Its okay that the church stresses marriage BUT really needs to figure this out in the West. Cause the way it is now a whole in flux of singles will hit the church soon once church growth starts happening and it's coming.
Same. And often when they do, it is with an unwise choice. Be best if they actively worked the issue. Guided group efforts, including dealing with unrealistic expectations keeping someone single needlessly. The Bible shows they worked the problem.
One of the issues isn't just that there is a pressure or social stigma placed onto single Christians, or even that there are real or perceived barriers but one of the fundamental issues is most churches spend very little time together, socially, as a community, with settings that really allow the types of discussions that allow single Christian men and women to explore and discover those with compatible values and personality/habitual traits. I do think it is wise and God's will for most to be married for the multiplication of godly children in the church. Outside of this is a very special but rare calling for those dedicated to the ministry of the word and support of the church. Single women have a unique gift to be able to bless the elderly women of the church who may not have a Christian family and support, or for the married women who struggle with the pressures of raising kids and perhaps needing help looking after their kids. Single Men have a unique ability to serve the church with time that isn't constrained with husband or father duties. There are plenty of ways that singles can be a blessing to the church but I do think this will be a minority.
@happy777abc Actually, re-read the gospels and letters and you'll notice we're made to serve each other. So, while we don't just exclusively serve married couples and families, but also those who have disabilities, the sick, the hurting -fellow singles- and so forth. The main jist of what was said is that we don't spend enough time together as a church per se. I'm ashamed to see muslims and jews do their community far better than we do. FAR better. And we are meant to be the salt and the light. We have a lot of growing to do...and part of the growth will only come once God kicks out the useless hireling pastors. The church is going to go through further purging as the world around begins to crumble; God will raise His temple up as He brings the nations down and we will see His Glory shine. Single people have a function; keep Jesus' commands, as He kept yhe Father's command for us; love one another, serve one another, and know that our love and service for Him is seen and has a reward in Heaven and on earth, and that is a time of harvest coming.
@@happy777abcthank you! I’ve been saying this for years. It’s especially hard now in this economy for singles trying to survive one a single income. At least married couples could have dual income if absolutely needed. I need to work multiple jobs just to afford the basic necessities of life and still keep up my own place. I don’t have a plethora of spare time to volunteer away for free.
One reason that there are no single leads in Christian culture is that the very same Christian culture uses marriage as a way to validate leaders. They would rather have a married individual in leadership than a single person that has more time to dedicate to the task for fear that they would be sexually compromised. Even after the past 5 years of scandals in Church leadership with married men, that very same belief is held as a reason to disqualify singles from front roles in church. You would think that a man committed to singleness would be seen as a validation unto itself but it is also my belief that people look at singles through the lens of their own perception and experience as a single. "I was hungry for sexual attention so this single must also be that way." No one will outright say that though because that will compromise their own reputation.
Thanks for bringing this up, but.....Singleness is a STATE. Why dqes the pastor keep calling it a "single SEASON"? In that phraseology, lies the injury- the idea that it's only for a season makes it seem as if it's somehow a wrong abberation, like a "wilderness season" 🙄What if it's not a season? This lady is speaking accurately, but a lot of it seems to be going over the pastor's head. Churches.need to get back to preaching about spiritual formation instead of the current trend of always preaching about marriage and family and sex. To outsiders, Christianity is starting to look like a full blown sex cult.
I think you hit the nail on the head saying that churches primarily preach about marriage and family. They need to get back to the true gospel message rather than societal issues. Also the Christology doctrine needs to change. Too often Jesus is presented as a cosmic genie or a divine ATM dispenser. Holiness and repentance are ignored or downplayed while teaching a feelgood message. The implication for singles is let's get you fixed and become a normal member of the team!
Old Testament God says make babies because tis good for the tribe to have numbers. Judging by declining church attendance and how most attendees are old, pastors gotta bump up those numbers for their own reasons.
@@politereminder6284 so be fruitful and multiply ur tithe. See how fast those same pastors shut up when single ppl fork over money like the church is the family they gotta feed
@@blondequijote That is why I say the church needs to go back to teaching about spiritual formation. It needs to go back to building communities vs building networks. It needs to go back to the " godliness with contentment is great gain" message, rather than the "give until it hurts/&tithe on everything" message.
A lot of the percieved hostility to single people has to do with the habits of "American Evangelicalism". A lot of people don't realize the dating scene has changed radically in recent years and for the forseeable future a lot of people won't be able to marry. I would advise singles not to stay away from church. Find a church that treats singles with dignity. Try a conservative Reformed or conservative Lutheran church. They tend to be less judgemental toward singles.
Single, 38, but I wanna go to (Catholic) church because of Jesus (the Eucharist). Finding a partner there (and I had a date at my church but it didn't work with us) would be the cream on top.
Yep nothing really for A single older christian Never married no kids 50+ most are married or been married the singles group most churches are from teens to late 20s after this sort of left no place Its different life struggles so makes it hard to relate
Singles groups should be just that- for singles. I am single and quite happy being, staying single. Marriage may be a consideration but, not a primary goal.
When your single in a church it seem you have to prove your self to the rest of the crowd that your not a threat to them because your single and your motives are honorable and then maybe if your lucky you might be accepted
So glad you like it! I'm sure some things are different! But I bet there are some real common threads between the generations... Thanks for interacting!!
17:35 Women over 35 have very significant risks in carrying a fetus for 38-42 months. Uterine incompetency, hemorrhage & an acute risk for birth defects are all grim realities for women after 35 who plan on pregnancy. Geriatric birth is the farthest thing from a misnomer, it is the correct term that should be used. Women have a biological clock and should be aware of that.
Pro life OBGYN’s have said that with modern medicine women over 35 can still safely carry babies to term and that geriatric is a term leftover from older times.
There are lots of reasons people are single in the church. Some are not very attractive/overweight. Some are divorced with kids. If you lost your job and was facing homelessness within a few weeks what would you do? You'd get out and apply for other jobs, brush up on your resume, and make connections that could help you to land a new one. Why not do that with your personal life? You can get in shape, buy some new clothes, go have your makeup done and maybe learn how to do it better, and learn where you need to go to meet new people. Why not take up some new and productive hobbies which will allow you to broaden your social circle?
Hey Jason, attractive woman here. Fifteen first place body competition awards, former teen model, actress ( award winning), speaker, turned missionary, worship dancer, evangelist. Still attractive, still active- fitness trainer in my community. Never married. Love Jesus. Love this life. Don't need to find a husband. Not against it, but not looking.
@@jasonwilliams8321have you considered the fact that those of us who do try to up our game and do become more attractive are resented even more in church circles because we’re not matronly holy roller women who are overweight , dress down to our knees just short of a burka, no makeup,and won’t better their health? Its a catch 22 - when you go thru a transformative process spiritually and physically the challenge then becomes finding someone who’s willing to work as hard as you do at self love, self care and self improvement while maintaining balance in this area and after seeing the value in working out that is something i will expect a potential boyfriend to prioritize and i don’t think that is an unreasonable standard in taking care of your temple- you’re quick to point out that some singles may be unattractive physically but have you looked at the married couples? Most are the same as the singles- this is an across the board issue for the body of Christ and let’s not get started on all the overweight preachers in the pulpit - i’m a 51 yr old Christian lady who joined a gym during covid and 4 yrs later i’m in the best shape and health in my life- far more than in my youth- by God’s grace i have slowed down the aging process due to lifting weights and do not look my age - God is blessing me by renewing my youth like the eagle’s (psalm 103) - now if it were that easy such as going out and meeting people which so many married people like to bleat out like a broken record - have you stopped to consider what challenges some of us mid life singles have to deal with? I’m a caregiver for my elderly mother and when she is living with me i hardly have time to do anything else let alone date Imagine finding time to date as a single parent raising small children or teenagers?
